Mr. Rosso: There’s two ways you can look at anything in this life. Take my job for instance. I could get up every morning and go “I don’t wanna go and help a bunch of kids. I’m tired.” But I don’t. I get up, and put on my shirt and my tie and I say, “Hot dog! Lemme at ’em.”
Ken: Do you actually say the words “hot dog”?
Mr. Rosso: Yes, I do. I know you’re struggling. That’s what they made guidance counselors for. To help you. I understand—you’ve just been through puberty, you guys are tall— I’m surprised you fit through that door, quite frankly. Okay? A lot of times you might see, maybe you’re taking a shower or something and you go, “what are these?” “what’s that?”. But you feel alone and confused. And you don’t think anyone understands. Well. I do. Lots of people do. Even Mr. Alice Cooper.
Mr. Weir: I was visiting Mr. Pries at his store today, and he was selling a game that my family and I used to play as a kid. every Friday night. Pit.
Mr. Weir: Pit.
Sam: Sounds like fun.
Mr. Weir: It is. It’s a stock trading game. See, we all yell across the table at each other and try to get the other players to trade stocks with us.
Lindsay: So we all sit around the table and you yell at us?
Sam: You do that to us every night.
Howie Gelfand (Jason Schwartzman): Alright. How many do you guys need?
Howie: Didn’t I just get you one? You lose it already?
Daniel: Yeah, I’m not into astrology okay?
Howie: Astrology. It’s not astrology, it’s you, man. It’s facts. It’s who you’re supposed to be. June: Cancer. Libra: October. Capricorn: December. Know it. 1958. You are them.
Daniel: You gonna give us the I.D.’s or not?
Sales Guy (Joel Hodgson): Hey, Gelfand. You know what? There’s a box of Parisian night suits in the back and they’re not going to unpack themselves, alright?
Neal: She is beautiful.
Bill: I can’t believe she’s gonna hang out with us.
Neal: What if I’m asleep right now, and this is just a dream, and any moment Maureen and I are gonna make love.
Sam: Then what are we doing here?
Bill: Maybe this is my nightmare.
Maureen: God, Bill, your rocket’s huge.
Bill: Oh it is? I hadn’t noticed.
Daniel: So are you guys like a couple now?
Nick: We’re not really into labeling things, you know? We have a more mature relationship than that. Let’s just say we have an understanding.
Ken: Well I’m glad you have an understanding. ‘Cause I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.
Mrs. Weir: Honey, you can not force these kids to spend time with us.
Mr. Weir: Did you know that in some cultures if children shame you, you’re allowed to have them executed. Well I feel shamed.
Mrs. Weir: Harold.
Mr. Weir: Well I’m not swinging an axe, I just want them to play Pit with me. Is that so horrible?
Mr. Rosso: I’ve got some brochures from some Ivy League schools. Several are in color.
Lindsay: Mr. Rosso, why can’t you just leave me alone?
Mr. Rosso: Because it’s my job. I’m a guidance counselor. I’m trying to guide you.
Lindsay: Well, guide someone else.
Mr. Rosso: I heard the words but your eyes said something else. They said, “I’m lost. I need your help. Don’t listen to me. Guide me.”
Lindsay: I don’t need your help.
Mr. Rosso: Okay. Tell you what, why don’t I just come and visit you then in the prison, where you’ll be living, and give you some really good advice. Like, you know, should you get shanked in the yard or the dining hall. When you have your baby, which prison guard should take care of it. That kind of thing. That’d be a great way to do my job. Don’t you think?
Lindsay: Only time will tell. See you on the prison yard.
Toby (Kevin Corrigan): Don’t play with that rooster. Don’t play with that rooster. That’s not a nice petty pet pet rooster.
Toby: No, you’re the only who’ll be sorry. Very dangerous.
Toby: Okay, now look like you’ve been waiting on line for two hours. Look like you don’t want to have your picture taken.
Eli: Excuse me, is this seat taken?
Neal: It is by you, my good man.