Jeff Rosso (Dave “Gruber” Allen): So what’s going on here?
Lindsay: All I… I was trying to do something nice in a stupid school where nothing nice ever happens. But instead Eli broke his arm. Now I feel like the biggest idiot in the world.
Mr. Rosso: No. Why aren’t you taking part in the Academic Decathlon?
Mr. Rosso: We need you! You’re our best mathlete.
Lindsay: Oh god. Please don’t say that.
Rosso: Look, uh, I know you’re not happy about this. But don’t make me out to be the bad guy here. If the worst thing in your life is somebody makes you go to a dance, then I’d say you have a pretty good life.
Mr. Rosso: Hey! If it isn’t the Amelia Earhart of McKinley High.
Lindsay: What does that mean?
Mr. Rosso: Well, you head to class but you never seem to get there.
Lindsay: Mr. Rosso, could you not humiliate me in front of the whole school?
Mr. Rosso: Come on. Lindsay. Don’t turn me into the man here. I’m just trying to help you.
Mr. Rosso: There’s two ways you can look at anything in this life. Take my job for instance. I could get up every morning and go “I don’t wanna go and help a bunch of kids. I’m tired.” But I don’t. I get up, and put on my shirt and my tie and I say, “Hot dog! Lemme at ’em.”
Ken: Do you actually say the words “hot dog”?
Mr. Rosso: Yes, I do. I know you’re struggling. That’s what they made guidance counselors for. To help you. I understand—you’ve just been through puberty, you guys are tall— I’m surprised you fit through that door, quite frankly. Okay? A lot of times you might see, maybe you’re taking a shower or something and you go, “what are these?” “what’s that?”. But you feel alone and confused. And you don’t think anyone understands. Well. I do. Lots of people do. Even Mr. Alice Cooper.
Mr. Rosso: I’ve got some brochures from some Ivy League schools. Several are in color.
Lindsay: Mr. Rosso, why can’t you just leave me alone?
Mr. Rosso: Because it’s my job. I’m a guidance counselor. I’m trying to guide you.
Lindsay: Well, guide someone else.
Mr. Rosso: I heard the words but your eyes said something else. They said, “I’m lost. I need your help. Don’t listen to me. Guide me.”
Lindsay: I don’t need your help.
Mr. Rosso: Okay. Tell you what, why don’t I just come and visit you then in the prison, where you’ll be living, and give you some really good advice. Like, you know, should you get shanked in the yard or the dining hall. When you have your baby, which prison guard should take care of it. That kind of thing. That’d be a great way to do my job. Don’t you think?
Lindsay: Only time will tell. See you on the prison yard.
Mr. Rosso: So… I understand you and Nick Andopolis are getting pretty tight. How’s that going?
Lindsay: Mr. Rosso, Nick and I are just friends. That’s all.
Mr. Rosso: Hey, no need to explain anything to me. I got it on in a van at Woodstock so I’m not judging anybody.
Mr. Rosso: You’ve got to be careful these days.
Lindsay: Yeah, I know. I know.
Mr. Rosso: Do you? I thought I knew to. Until one night I was checking out this discotheque, the one in the bowling alley on 15 Mile. I met this girl, she seemed really nice. We danced a bit, I kissed her. One thing lead to another. And now I get sores on my lip once a month. I have herpes. It doesn’t hurt that much but believe me, you don’t want it.
Lindsay: Can I please go now?
Mr. Rosso: I just blew your mind, didn’t I?
Daniel: Mr. Rosso, I told you. I was just trying to get rid of my weed.
Mr. Rosso: How dumb do I look?
Ken: You really wanna know?
Mr. Rosso: I could have you expelled for this. But I’m going to give you a break. Learn from Frank. Or you’ll be Frank. It’s your choice.
Mr. Rosso: Do we understand each other?
Ken: As much as that’s possible.