Daniel Desario (James Franco): Oh man, you wanna hear something way messed up? You know that Molly Hatchet shirt I was wearing the other day? You know the one with that executioner guy holding that bloody axe, under his foot’s the severed head.
Ken (Seth Rogen): Yeah. That’s my shirt.
Girl: Ow! Don’t touch me, you scuzz.
Ken: I’m sorry. Your butt was calling to me.
Daniel: You guys know Lindsay?
Nick: You were in my english class last year, right? You were the chick that got an A.
Lindsay: Yeah, well. What are you gonna do?
Ken: I don’t know. What are you gonna do?
Ken to Lindsay: Who’s your dad, Hitler?
Kim: I’m cutting. Who’s got gum? Ken offers her a piece. Oh yeah, that’s real great. Why don’t you blow your nose in some bread and make me a sandwich too.
Ken: Why is everyone crawling up my butt today?
Kim spills the contents of Lindsay’s bag on the floor
Ken: That is exactly why I don’t carry a purse.
Kim: No, what you gotta do is look for something in the store that’s expensive, but looks really cheap. And then you switch price tags with something that is really cheap. Then you gotta put the original back on it and return it for store credit. That’s how I got this jacket. Ten bucks, this thing cost me.
Ken: It’s beautiful! Clearly worth all the effort.
Ken: I am the Lord of Quarters!
Sam: Hi Ken.
Sam: Do you guys like my sister?
Sam: Then can you make sure she doesn’t get into too much trouble?
Ken: Which one’s your sister? She’s not that chick singing, is she?
Ken: This is Mission Control. Requesting permission to rock out.
Ken: You finally got your wish, Nick. You’re a good as drummer as John Bonham. Of course he’s dead.
Mr. Rosso: There’s two ways you can look at anything in this life. Take my job for instance. I could get up every morning and go “I don’t wanna go and help a bunch of kids. I’m tired.” But I don’t. I get up, and put on my shirt and my tie and I say, “Hot dog! Lemme at ’em.”
Ken: Do you actually say the words “hot dog”?
Mr. Rosso: Yes, I do.
Daniel: So are you guys like a couple now?
Nick: We’re not really into labelling things, you know? We have a more mature relationship than that. Let’s just say we have an understanding.
Ken: Well I’m glad you have an understanding. ‘Cause I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.
Ken: I’d hate to be that guy’s drum set tonight.
Ken: We’re gonna blow the roof off his garage in the most rock-tagious way.
Daniel: You know, who asked her to hang out with us anyways? Like we need her little judgments all the time.
Kim: My life ain’t a lost cause, you know. Her’s is.
Ken: She’s just a big baby. I told you that from day one. It’s like hanging out with my grandma.
Daniel: Yeah. Well. Little Miss Perfect doesn’t know what I’m going to do with my life. She doesn’t know what my plans are.
Ken: What the hell are your plans?
Daniel: I got a lot of plans.
Daniel: What are you, my guidance counselor?
Ken: Hey, I didn’t get all gussied up to sit here alone, man!
Lindsay: Hey, at least she knows how to play an instrument.
Ken: That’s not playing an instrument. That’s like blowing into a toilet.
Lindsay: Sounds better than your singing.
Ken: Lindsay, here’s an idea: how about you break up our band so you can make out with Nick.
Daniel: Nick, you want Lindsay back, you gotta give her the cold shoulder.
Nick: I don’t know, man. It doesn’t seem right.
Daniel: Trust me! Don’t call her house, don’t write her notes, and don’t sing to her. Geez, man. We don’t even want to be friends with you after hearing about that one.
Ken: Yeah, Nick. We need our space.
Ken: Hey Sergeant Pepper, where’s the rest of the Lonely Hearts Club Band?
Amy Andrews (Jessica Campbell): Well looks like you ate ’em.
Kim: Yeah, Ken. When are the twins due?
Daniel: That’s not nice.
Amy: Lindsay, is this bonehead a friend of yours?
Lindsay laughing: No, he’s a pain in my ass.
Amy: Well, see you later, Elvis. Good luck with those muttonchops.
Lindsay: Are you going to be nice to her? ‘Cause I’m not going to do it if you’re going to be a jerk.
Ken: Of course I’ll be nice to her. I’ll be an angel.
Lindsay: Forget it.
Ken: Lindsay! I’m serious.
Ken: Do you think that there’s any chance that this might actually happen?
Lindsay: Oh my god!
Lindsay: You really like her, don’t you?
Ken: I feel odd.
Amy: Boy this is exciting. I could have seen this outside for free.
Ken: You are seeing it for free. I paid for your ticket.
Amy: Yeah. A whole two dollars. How are you going to live without it?
Ken: She seemed to like me, right?
Random Girl: Yeah.
Nick: Do you guys have any pot?
Ken: The cupboard is bare, man.
Nick: Yeah? I’m running out really quick. I’ve been rationing all week. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
Daniel: Um. Not be stoned?
Ken: I always say, girl plus car equals dead animal.
Ken: What, are the Blues Brothers doing a show in town tonight?
Daniel: No. George Bush is coming to speak to the school.
Nick: The porn star?
Ken: The vice president of the United States of America. George Bush.
DJ (Joel Hodgson): Aren’t you one of those guys who’s always running in here yelling “Disco sucks?” What’s the matter, cat got your bong, man? Is that how you learned to communicate? Running in here and yelling stuff? Is that what your precious “rock ‘n’ roll” teaches you?
Ken: No, it teaches me that disco sucks!