Freaks and Geeks

Daniel Desario

2000.07.09    

James Franco

Pilot Episode

Daniel Desario (James Franco): Oh man, you wanna hear something way messed up? You know that Molly Hatchet shirt I was wearing the other day? You know the one with that executioner guy holding that bloody axe, under his foot’s the severed head.
Ken (Seth Rogen): Yeah. That’s my shirt.
Daniel: Yeah so, my mom she makes us go to church every week. And we gotta dress up. And so I get there and the stupid priest says I can’t come in.
Curly-haired guy: You can’t wear stuff like that at church, man.
Daniel: Why not, man? It’s church. You’re supposed to forgive people there. So you hate my shirt. Forgive me, lemme come in.

Nick about going to Homecoming: I’d rather make out with Principal Barber.
Daniel: Again?

Beers and Weirs

Daniel: Wow. The designated driver’s pretty hot. I’d like to get her drunk.

Daniel: I love being told not to drink by a pot-head hippie guidance counselor.
Lindsay: There’s probably a bar in the teacher’s lounge.

Daniel about the poster: Wow. Like that unicorn.

Tricks and Treats

Millie: Your car is really loud. My dad says you need a muffler. Once, he even threw a rock at you as you drove by. But… I guess you didn’t hear it.
Daniel: He threw a rock at me?

Nick: Hey, at least she’s being nice! Just because you hate your mother doesn’t mean everybody else does.
Daniel: No, everybody hates her mother.

Nick: So hold on a second. So they’re called Santana, right? But that guy who’s singing is not Santana.
Daniel: No. Santana’s the guitar player.
Nick: Then how did he get them to name the band after him?
Daniel: I don’t know, man. Maybe he’s just a bad ass.
Nick: If that’s true then that’s… amazing.
Daniel: Hey, maybe we should name our band Desario.
Lindsay: Hey! I’m going out with you guys tomorrow night.
Nick: Hey that’s great.
Daniel: Yeah but what about your mom? How’s she going to hand out candy all by herself?
Lindsay: Well. She’ll survive.
Daniel: Well well well.

Daniel: Hey, knock it off, Blondie. You’re gonna blow the speakers.
Kim Kelly: Oh I’m sorry, Grandpa. I’ll try not to blow anything of yours from now on.

Kim Kelly Is My Friend

Millie Kentner: Hey! Those are for my French class.
Daniel: But I love sprinkles!
Millie: Fine just eat it.

Nick: Wow. What’s wrong with her?
Kim: Ricky dumped her this morning. I don’t know, she’s on the warpath.
Daniel: Wow. If she’s looking for new customers, I’m up for a test drive.
Kim: Shut up, Daniel.

Tests and Breasts

Daniel: These types of books just make me think of all the crap that can go wrong inside of you. Why are you reading this?
Sam: I’m taking sex ed with Mr. Fredricks. He embarrassed me in front of the whole class just ’cause I’m a little bit behind when it comes to that sort of stuff.
Daniel: Yeah. I know how that goes.
Sam: You do?
Daniel: You know, you’re not going to learn anything useful from a book like that.
Sam: No?
Daniel: No. I’ll tell you what, I’ll find you at school tomorrow. I’ll set you up.
Sam: With what?
Daniel: Don’t worry. It’s cool.

Lindsay: You’re manipulating me.
Daniel: What?
Lindsay: You’re manipulating me.
Daniel: No I’m not.
Lindsay: Yes you are. And you know it’s really hard to say no to you, but I have to.

I’m with the Band

Lindsay: I bet you guys are really good.
Sean: I don’t think so.
Lindsay: Do you guys have a name?
Nick: Yeah. Creation.
Daniel: No, we don’t have a name.

Nick: Three o’clock.
Daniel: Nah, I gotta do something with Kim at three.
Ken: How about 3:01?
Daniel: How about 3:15. I gotta fit in your mother.
Ken: You want to sleep with my mom?
Daniel: Mm hm.

Lindsay: You know, I didn’t break up the band. I just wanted to help Nick.
Daniel: He doesn’t need any help.
Lindsay: How can you say that? If he doesn’t make it as a drummer then he has to go into the Army.
Daniel: What? He’s not going to make it as a drummer. So why don’t you just let him have some fun before he has to ship off.

Daniel: I wrote out some Iggy Pop and Ramones songs.
Nick: The Ramones? The Ramones only play like three chords, man.
Daniel: Alright, so I’ll learn another one.

Carded and Discarded

Daniel: Oh my god.
Kim: That was brutal.
Ken: I’ve never hated Alice Cooper as much as I do right now.
Nick: Guys, Mr. Rosso’s really good at the guitar. Some of those chords are hard.

Daniel: Every old person thinks they’re so smart. What, there’s like no dumb old people?
Nick: Yeah.
Ken: I just wanna be older so I can go to bars. Everything fun in this world happens in bars.

Howie Gelfand (Jason Schwartzman): Alright. How many do you guys need?
Nick: Four.
Howie: Didn’t I just get you one? You lose it already?
Daniel: Yeah, I’m not into astrology okay?
Howie: Astrology. It’s not astrology, it’s you, man. It’s facts. It’s who you’re supposed to be. June: Cancer. Libra: October. Capricorn: December. Know it. 1958. You are them.
Daniel: You gonna give us the I.D.’s or not?

Girlfriends and Boyfriends

Ms. Yeats: Mr. Desario, don’t you have something to do?
Daniel: Right. But I thought we were going to do that after class, Ms. Yeats.
Ms. Yeats: Bestill my beating heart.

Daniel: Hey. Check it out. Donkey basketball Saturday. I love those things.
Lindsay: I think they’re mean.
Kim: Oh, yeah. Like the donkeys even give a care.
Lindsay: Well how’d you like some big fat teacher on your back while you run around a gym.
Daniel: Yeah, how did your date with Fredricks go?

Kowchevski: Lord and Lady Skips-A-Lot. C’mon, lets go.
Daniel: Yes ma’am. I mean sir.

We’ve Got Spirit

Daniel: I’m so sick of all this rah-rah stuff. These jocks think they’re such bad asses. Walking around like they cured cancer.

Daniel: This place is turning into a cult.

Daniel: Man, I love the smell of gasoline.
Kim: Yeah? It gives you brain damage.

Kim: Man, I’m soaked! Will you do something, Daniel?
Daniel: Yeah? What do you want me to do? Blow on you?
Ken: That better have been water. That’s all I’m sayin’.

Daniel: Go McKinley! Shut ’em down! Lincoln, you suck!

The Diary

Kim: Who does she think she is anyway?
Daniel: I don’t know. Let’s talk about it for four more hours and try to find out.

Looks and Books

Lindsay: I’m sick of you guys getting me in trouble all the time. I’m sick of you guys period.
Daniel: Maybe you’re just on your period.
Lindsay: Yeah, Daniel. That’s exactly it. I’m on my period. You figured it out.
Daniel: It was a joke.
Lindsay: Oh. Sorry. It’s hard to pick up on the subtlety of your wit.

Daniel: You know, who asked her to hang out with us anyways? Like we need her little judgments all the time.
Kim: My life ain’t a lost cause, you know. Her’s is.
Ken: She’s just a big baby. I told you that from day one. It’s like hanging out with my grandma.
Daniel: Yeah. Well. Little Miss Perfect doesn’t know what I’m going to do with my life. She doesn’t know what my plans are.
Ken: What the hell are your plans?
Daniel: I got a lot of plans.
Ken: Like?
Daniel: What are you, my guidance counselor?

Harris: You’re not going to beat me up are you?
Daniel: No. What are you reading?
Harris: The monster manual. It’s the Dungeons and Dragons Handbook. Do you play?
Daniel: No.
Harris: You should. You’d make a good Dungeon Master. I can tell.
Daniel: Oh yeah? Thanks. Can I ask you something?
Harris: Sure.
Daniel: What do you make of me?
Harris: Excuse me?
Daniel: Well if someone asked you, “What do you think of Daniel Desario?” what would you say? Would you he’s a loser?
Harris: No, You’re not a loser because you have sex. But if you weren’t having sex then we could definitely debate the issue.

The Garage Door

Daniel: It’s like the tortoise and the hare, alright? The little rabbit gets tired, guess who wins?
Ken: Are we still talking about the same thing?

Daniel: Nick, you want Lindsay back, you gotta give her the cold shoulder.
Nick: I don’t know, man. It doesn’t seem right.
Daniel: Trust me! Don’t call her house, don’t write her notes, and don’t sing to her. Geez, man. We don’t even want to be friends with you after hearing about that one.
Ken: Yeah, Nick. We need our space.

Chokin’ and Tokin’

Nick: You know, I always noticed that the day after we have Salisbury Steak, we always have hamburgers. But then the day after that we always have meatball heroes. And a few days after that we have meatloaf. So is it the same meat? Are you guys recycling the meat?
Lunchlady: It’s different meat.
Nick: I guess you would have to say that, right? I’ll have the salad.
Lunchlady: Excellent choice, sir.
Daniel: Some Salisbury dog meat for us, please.

Nick: Do you guys have any pot?
Daniel: No.
Ken: The cupboard is bare, man.
Nick: Yeah? I’m running out really quick. I’ve been rationing all week. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
Daniel: Um. Not be stoned?

Daniel: Just look at him. He’s a freakin’ mess.
Ken: You are holding out on us!
Daniel: Of course.

Daniel: Mr. Rosso, I told you. I was just trying to get rid of my weed.
Mr. Rosso: How dumb do I look?
Ken: You really wanna know?

Nick: What do people do when they’re not stoned?
Ken: I don’t know. Relate to one another.
Daniel: I don’t wanna relate to anybody.
Nick: I wanna relate to Lindsay.

Dead Dogs and Gym Teachers

Noshing and Moshing

Smooching and Mooching

The Little Things

Ken: What, are the Blues Brothers doing a show in town tonight?
Daniel: No. George Bush is coming to speak to the school.
Nick: The porn star?
Ken: The vice president of the United States of America. George Bush.

Kowchevski: Alright you guys. Come on, beat it. There’s no hanging out under the stairs.
Daniel: What? Since when?
Kowchevski: Since
the vice president is coming. Come on, give me a break. The Secret Service wants all these areas cleared out.
Daniel: How are we ever going to plan our coup?

Disco and Dragons

Daniel: All right, fine, I’ll be a dwarf, but my name is Carlos.
Bill: Carlos the dwarf?
Daniel: Yeah, you got a problem with that, Gorthon?