Daniel Desario (James Franco): Oh man, you wanna hear something way messed up? You know that Molly Hatchet shirt I was wearing the other day? You know the one with that executioner guy holding that bloody axe, under his foot’s the severed head.
Ken (Seth Rogen): Yeah. That’s my shirt.
Daniel: Yeah so, my mom she makes us go to church every week. And we gotta dress up. And so I get there and the stupid priest says I can’t come in.
Curly-haired guy: You can’t wear stuff like that at church, man.
Daniel: Why not, man? It’s church. You’re supposed to forgive people there. So you hate my shirt. Forgive me, lemme come in.
Nick about going to Homecoming: I’d rather make out with Principal Barber.
Daniel: Wow. The designated driver’s pretty hot. I’d like to get her drunk.
Daniel about the poster: Wow. Like that unicorn.
Millie: Your car is really loud. My dad says you need a muffler. Once, he even threw a rock at you as you drove by. But… I guess you didn’t hear it.
Daniel: He threw a rock at me?
Nick: So hold on a second. So they’re called Santana, right? But that guy who’s singing is not Santana.
Daniel: No. Santana’s the guitar player.
Nick: Then how did he get them to name the band after him?
Daniel: I don’t know, man. Maybe he’s just a bad ass.
Nick: If that’s true then that’s… amazing.
Daniel: Hey, maybe we should name our band Desario.
Lindsay: Hey! I’m going out with you guys tomorrow night.
Nick: Hey that’s great.
Daniel: Yeah but what about your mom? How’s she going to hand out candy all by herself?
Lindsay: Well. She’ll survive.
Daniel: Well well well.
Daniel: Hey, knock it off, Blondie. You’re gonna blow the speakers.
Kim Kelly: Oh I’m sorry, Grandpa. I’ll try not to blow anything of yours from now on.
Millie Kentner: Hey! Those are for my French class.
Daniel: But I love sprinkles!
Millie: Fine just eat it.
Nick: Wow. What’s wrong with her?
Kim: Ricky dumped her this morning. I don’t know, she’s on the warpath.
Daniel: Wow. If she’s looking for new customers, I’m up for a test drive.
Kim: Shut up, Daniel.
Daniel: These types of books just make me think of all the crap that can go wrong inside of you. Why are you reading this?
Sam: I’m taking sex ed with Mr. Fredricks. He embarrassed me in front of the whole class just ’cause I’m a little bit behind when it comes to that sort of stuff.
Daniel: Yeah. I know how that goes.
Sam: You do?
Daniel: You know, you’re not going to learn anything useful from a book like that.
Daniel: No. I’ll tell you what, I’ll find you at school tomorrow. I’ll set you up.
Sam: With what?
Daniel: Don’t worry. It’s cool.
Lindsay: You know, I didn’t break up the band. I just wanted to help Nick.
Daniel: He doesn’t need any help.
Lindsay: How can you say that? If he doesn’t make it as a drummer then he has to go into the Army.
Daniel: What? He’s not going to make it as a drummer. So why don’t you just let him have some fun before he has to ship off.
Howie Gelfand (Jason Schwartzman): Alright. How many do you guys need?
Howie: Didn’t I just get you one? You lose it already?
Daniel: Yeah, I’m not into astrology okay?
Howie: Astrology. It’s not astrology, it’s you, man. It’s facts. It’s who you’re supposed to be. June: Cancer. Libra: October. Capricorn: December. Know it. 1958. You are them.
Daniel: You gonna give us the I.D.’s or not?
Ms. Yeats: Mr. Desario, don’t you have something to do?
Daniel: Right. But I thought we were going to do that after class, Ms. Yeats.
Ms. Yeats: Bestill my beating heart.
Daniel: Hey. Check it out. Donkey basketball Saturday. I love those things.
Lindsay: I think they’re mean.
Kim: Oh, yeah. Like the donkeys even give a care.
Lindsay: Well how’d you like some big fat teacher on your back while you run around a gym.
Daniel: Yeah, how did your date with Fredricks go?
Kowchevski: Lord and Lady Skips-A-Lot. C’mon, lets go.
Daniel: Yes ma’am. I mean sir.
Daniel: I’m so sick of all this rah-rah stuff. These jocks think they’re such bad asses. Walking around like they cured cancer.
Daniel: This place is turning into a cult.
Daniel: Go McKinley! Shut ’em down! Lincoln, you suck!
Lindsay: I’m sick of you guys getting me in trouble all the time. I’m sick of you guys period.
Daniel: Maybe you’re just on your period.
Lindsay: Yeah, Daniel. That’s exactly it. I’m on my period. You figured it out.
Daniel: It was a joke.
Lindsay: Oh. Sorry. It’s hard to pick up on the subtlety of your wit.
Daniel: You know, who asked her to hang out with us anyways? Like we need her little judgments all the time.
Kim: My life ain’t a lost cause, you know. Her’s is.
Ken: She’s just a big baby. I told you that from day one. It’s like hanging out with my grandma.
Daniel: Yeah. Well. Little Miss Perfect doesn’t know what I’m going to do with my life. She doesn’t know what my plans are.
Ken: What the hell are your plans?
Daniel: I got a lot of plans.
Daniel: What are you, my guidance counselor?
Harris: You’re not going to beat me up are you?
Daniel: No. What are you reading?
Harris: The monster manual. It’s the Dungeons and Dragons Handbook. Do you play?
Harris: You should. You’d make a good Dungeon Master. I can tell.
Daniel: Oh yeah? Thanks. Can I ask you something?
Daniel: What do you make of me?
Harris: Excuse me?
Daniel: Well if someone asked you, “What do you think of Daniel Desario?” what would you say? Would you he’s a loser?
Harris: No, You’re not a loser because you have sex. But if you weren’t having sex then we could definitely debate the issue.
Daniel: Nick, you want Lindsay back, you gotta give her the cold shoulder.
Nick: I don’t know, man. It doesn’t seem right.
Daniel: Trust me! Don’t call her house, don’t write her notes, and don’t sing to her. Geez, man. We don’t even want to be friends with you after hearing about that one.
Ken: Yeah, Nick. We need our space.
Nick: You know, I always noticed that the day after we have Salisbury Steak, we always have hamburgers. But then the day after that we always have meatball heroes. And a few days after that we have meatloaf. So is it the same meat? Are you guys recycling the meat?
Lunchlady: It’s different meat.
Nick: I guess you would have to say that, right? I’ll have the salad.
Lunchlady: Excellent choice, sir.
Daniel: Some Salisbury dog meat for us, please.
Nick: Do you guys have any pot?
Ken: The cupboard is bare, man.
Nick: Yeah? I’m running out really quick. I’ve been rationing all week. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
Daniel: Um. Not be stoned?
Ken: What, are the Blues Brothers doing a show in town tonight?
Daniel: No. George Bush is coming to speak to the school.
Nick: The porn star?
Ken: The vice president of the United States of America. George Bush.
Kowchevski: Alright you guys. Come on, beat it. There’s no hanging out under the stairs.
Daniel: What? Since when?
the vice president is coming. Come on, give me a break. The Secret Service wants all these areas cleared out.
Daniel: How are we ever going to plan our coup?