The Simpsons

Celebrity Guests

1989.12.17    

50 Cent  Albert Brooks  Andy Garcia  Angela Bassett  Anthony Bourdain  Ben Stiller  Betty White  Beverly D’Angelo  Billy Corgan  Bob Costas  Brendan Fraser  Carmen Electra  Charles Napier  Cheech Marin  Christina Ricci  Christopher Guest  Cloris Leachman  Daniel Radcliffe  Danny Devito  Daryl Strawberry  David Copperfield  David Hyde Pierce  David Mamet  Denis Leary  Dick Smothers  Don Mattingly  Drew Carey  Dustin Hoffman  Elton John  Elvis Costello  Elvis Stojko  Eric Idle  Ernest Borgnine  Frank Gehry  Fred Willard  Garry Marshall  Gary Busey  George Harrison  Gordon Ramsay  Gore Vidal  Harry Shearer  Harvey Fierstein  Isabella Rossellini  J. K. Simmons  Jack Lemmon  Jackie Mason  James Earl Jones  James Lipton  Jan Hooks  Jane Kaczmarek  Jane Lynch  Jay Leno  Jeff Goldblum  Jennifer Garner  Jeremy Irons  Jerry Springer  Jim Varney  Joan Rivers  Joey Ramone  John Goodman  John Mahoney  John Slattery  John Waters  Jon Lovitz  Jon Stewart  Jonathan Taylor Thomas  Jose Canseco  Kathleen Turner  Keifer Sutherland  Kim Basinger  Kim Cattrall  Leonard Nimoy  Liam Neeson  Lily Tomlin  Lisa Kudrow  Lucy Lawless  Mandy Patinkin  Mario Batali  Marisa Tomei  Mark McGwire  Martha Stewart  Mary Lynn Rajskub  Matt Dillon  Mel Gibson  Michael Cera  Michael Keaton  Michael McKean  Michael York  Michelle Pfeiffer  Mick Jagger  Mike Judge  Mike Scioscia  Natalie Portman  Neil Gaiman  Nichelle Nichols  Parker Posey  Patrick McGoohan  Patrick Stewart  Paul Newman  Paul Rudd  Penn Jillette  Penny Marshall  Phil Hartman  Placido Domingo  Randy Jackson  Richard Dean Anderson  Richard Gere  Ricky Gervais  Ricky Jay  Rodney Dangerfield  Roger Daltrey  Ron Howard  Rupert Murdoch  Ryan Seacrest  Sacha Baron Cohen  Sara Gilbert  Sarah Silverman  Shepard Fairey  Simon Cowell  Stephen Colbert  Steve Buscemi  Steven Weber  Teller  Tim Robbins  Tom Colicchio  Tom Smothers  Tom Wolfe  Wade Boggs  Werner Klemperer  Wren T. Brown

Season 1

Homer: Is that a good siren? Am I approved?
Cowboy Bob (A. Brooks): You ever known a siren to be good? No, Mr. Simpson, it’s not. It’s a bad siren. That’s the computer in case I went blind telling me, “Sell the vehicle to this fellah and you’re out of business.”

Cowboy Bob: Mr. Simpson, you’re never going to own a better RV. And I don’t mean that in a good way.

Marge: I didn’t realize there was so much to this game. What do you charge for lessons?
Jacques (A. Brooks): Twenty-five dollars.
Marge: Twenty-five dollars?
Jacques: It’s a forty dollar value.

Jacques: Meet me tomorrow for brunch.
Marge: What’s brunch?
Jacques: You’d love it. It’s not quite breakfast, it’s not quite lunch but it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end. You don’t get completely what you would at breakfast but you get a good meal.

Jacques: Mimosa?
Marge: I’m a married woman. Please don’t call me that!

Jacques: You have a lovely friend there. Let’s hope something runs over her.

Lucille Botz (Penny Marshall): You’re a smart young man, Bart. I hope you’re smart enough to keep your mouth shut.
Lisa: He isn’t.

Season 2

Karl (Harvey Fierstein): No no no. Stand naturally, Mr. Simpson. Let it all hang out. You! Conceal it.

Karl: Dear Mr. Simpson, I’ve taken the liberty of preparing your speech on the enclosed, numbered three-by-five cards. All the big words are spelled phonetically. God bless you. You are one of Springfield’s very special creatures.

Serak the Preparer (James Earl Jones): Here you go Earthlings. Take all you want, but eat all you take.
Marge: Well thank you very much, Mr.—
Serak the Preparer: To pronounce it correctly, I would have to pull out your tongue.
Marge: Ew.

Lionel Hutz (Phil Hartman): My fee is fifty percent.
Homer: Fifty percent?
Lionel Hutz: You’ll be getting more than just a lawyer, Mr. Simpson. You’ll also be getting this exquisite faux pearl necklace—a ninety-nine dollar value—as our gift to you.

Court Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Marge: Yes I do.
Lionel Hutz: She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.

Herb Powell (Danny Devito): People don’t want cars named after hungry old Greek broads! They want names like Mustang and Cheetah.

Herb Powell: You! What are your roots?
Exec: Well I guess you could say they extend to when Anglo met Saxon.
Herb Powell: In other words when white met bread.

Herb: Homer, you’re the richest man I know.
Homer: I feel the same about you.

Lisa: Three: you seem to be of the Jewish faith.
Mr. Bergstrom (Sam Etic/Dustin Hoffman): Are you sure I’m Jewish?
Lisa: Or Italian.
Mr. Bergstrom: I’m Jewish.

Mr. Bergstrom: And for the record there were a few Jewish cowboys, ladies and gentlemen. Big guys, who were great shots and spent money freely.

Mr. Bergstrom: Mrs. Krabappel, you’re trying to seduce me.

Mr. Bergstrom: That’s the problem with being middle class. Anybody who really cares will abandon you for those who need it more.

Mrs. Glick (Cloris Leachman): Filthy! But genuinely arousing.

Season 3

Michael Jackson: Hi, I’m Michael Jackson from the Jacksons.
Homer: I’m Homer Simpson from the Simpsons.

Lisa: Excuse us, Rabbi Krustofski?
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski (Jackie Mason): Oh, what can I do for you my young friends?
Bart: We came to talk to you about your son.
Rabbi Krustofski: I have no son! {he slams the door}
Bart: Oh great. We came all this way and it’s the wrong guy.
Rabbi Krustofski: I didn’t mean that literally!

Waitress: And for you sir?
Rabbi Krustofski (Jackie Mason): Oh, let’s see. I want a nice sandwich but the Joey Bishop, eh, too fatty. The Jackie Mason, I don’t know. Sauerkraut makes me gassy. The Bruce Willis? I don’t even like his work.

Lisa: Here you go, Bart. It’s a long shot. But that’s all I can do without learning ancient Hebrew.
Bart: Rabbi, did not a great man say—and I quote, “The Jews are a swinging bunch of people. I mean, I’ve heard of persecution but what they went through is ridiculous. But the great thing is, after thousands of years of waiting and holding on and fighting, they finally made it.” End quote.
Rabbi Krustofski: Oh, I never heard the plight of my people phrased so eloquently. Who said that? Rabbi Hillel?
Bart: No.
Rabbi Krustofski: It was Judah the Pious.
Bart: No.
Rabbi Krustofski: Maimonides.
Bart: No.
Rabbi Krustofski: Oh, I got it. The Dead Sea Scrolls!
Bart: I’m afraid not, Rabbi. It’s from Yes I Can by Sammy Davis, Jr. An entertainer. Like your son.
Rabbi Krustofski: The Candy Man?

Jose Canseco: I get fifty thousand dollars to play one game?
Smithers: That’s right, Mr. Canseco.
Jose Canseco: Well, it’s a pay cut. But what the hey.

Smithers: How do you like working for the Dodgers?
Mike Scioscia: Well it’s okay. But sometimes I wish I had something a little more blue collar job. You know, with big machines and cool dials and stuff. Like an oil refinery. Or a hydro-electric plant.
Smithers: We should talk.

Mr. Burns: Mattingly! Get rid of those sideburns!
Don Mattingly: What sideburns?
Mr. Burns: Hippie.

Mr. Burns: Now, before I post the starting line-up I want to ensure those of you who are not on the list that I’m very disappointed in you. Something was lacking. Let’s call it heart.
Daryl Strawberry: No hustle either, Skip.
Mr. Burns: That’s right, Daryl.

Barney: And I say England’s greatest prime minister was Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Okay, you asked for it, Boggs.

Mattingly: I still like him better than Steinbrenner.

Homer: Lurlene, I can’t get your song out of my head. I haven’t felt this way since Funkytown!
Lurlene Lumpkin (Beverly D’Angelo): Well aren’t you sweet.

Lurlene: I want you to be my manager.
Homer: Really? Well I should warn you, I’m not great with figures.
Lurlene: That’s okay.
Homer: I make a lot of stupid decisions.
Lurlene: That’s okay.
Homer: I did bad in school.
Lurlene: I didn’t even go.
Homer: My personal hygiene has been described as—
Lurlene: Homer. Homer, you’ll be a great manager.

Shearer: I can’t think of anyone who’s benefited more from the death of Communism than us.
Guest: Maybe the people who actually live in the Communist countries.
Shearer: Oh yeah, hadn’t thought of that. I bet you’re right.

Harry Shearer (Spinal Tap): We salute you, our half-inflated Dark Lord!

Herb: Forbes Magazine called it the blunder of the century. A little overblown, don’t you think? What about New Coke.
Bum: Hey! I invented that!

Herb: Every word you say just makes me want to punch you in the face!
Homer: Well while you’re a guest in my home can you just kick me in the butt?
Herb: I’ll try, but I can’t make any promises.

Herb: Now I bet you’re all wondering what lies under this sheet!
Bart: Not really. We peeked inside when you were in the john.

Herb: Homer, would you stop thinking about your ass!
Homer: I tried to, but I can’t.

Season 4

Marge: I’m Marge Simpson. I’ll be playing Blanche. I made some peanut butter brownies for everyone.
Llewellyn Sinclair (Jon Lovitz): Well. would anyone else like a bite of banality?
Wiggum: I would.

Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film The Never-Ending Story.
Homer: So you think I have a case?
Lionel Hutz: Homer, I don’t use the word “hero” very often, but you are the greatest hero in American history.
Homer: Woo hoo!

Laura (Sara Gilbert): Well Bart, you were right about him.
Bart: As usual, a knife-wielding maniac has shown us the way.

Laura: Hello, I’d like to speak to Ms. Tinkle. First name Ivana.
Moe: Ivana Tinkle. Just a sec. Ivana Tinkle! Ivana Tinkle! All right everybody, put down your glasses. Ivana Tinkle!

Season 5

The Be Sharps perform on a building rooftop
George Harrison: It’s been done.

Joey Ramone: Go to hell, you old bastard!
Mr. Burns: Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: But sir, those aren’t—
Mr. Burns: Do as I say!

Ernest Borgnine: Well it sure is lucky we stumbled upon this old abandoned summer camp.

Mindy Simmons (Michelle Pfeiffer): I can see I’m gonna love working with you. Well, gotta go. I want to sneak in a quick nap before lunch.
Homer: Foul temptress! I bet she thinks Ziggy’s gotten too preachy too.

Homer: Colonel Klink! Did you ever get my letters?
Colonel Klink (Werner Klemperer): I’m not actually Colonel Klink. I’m just assuming his form.
Homer: Hee hee hee. Did you know Hogan had tunnels all over your camp?
Colonel Klink: Homerrrrr!

Mindy: What’s wrong?
Homer: Oh yeah, like you don’t know. We’re gonna have sex.
Mindy: Oh. Well, we don’t have to.
Homer: Yes we do.
The cookie told me so!
Mindy: Well. Desserts aren’t always right.
Homer: But they’re so sweet.

Lisa: Excuse me. Ms. Lovell? I’d like to talk to you about Malibu Stacy.
Stacy Lovell (Kathleen Turner): Do you have any idea how many kids have tried to track me down?
Lisa: Am I the first?
Stacy Lovell: … Yes.

Ms. Lovell: What do you expect me to do?
Lisa: Change what she says. It’s your company.
Ms. Lovell: Not since I was forced out in 1974. They said my way of thinking just wasn’t cost-effective.
Lisa: That’s awful!
Ms. Lovell: Well that and I was funneling profits to the Viet Cong.

Ms. Lovell: You all have hideous hair! {everyone gasps} I mean from a design perspective.

Lisa: You know, if we get through to just that one little girl it’ll all be worth it.
Ms. Lovell: Yes. Particularly if that girl happens to pay sixty-four thousand dollars for that one doll.
Lisa: What?
Ms. Lovell: Oh nothing.

Season 6

Number One (Patrick Stewart): Welcome to the club, Number 908. You have joined the Sacred Order of the Stonecutters, who since ancient times have split the rocks of ignorance that obscure the light of knowledge and truth. Now let’s all get drunk and play ping pong!

Number One: Homer Simpson, for your continuing and baffling desecration of our beloved sacred parchment, you are hereby banished from the Stonecutters forever.

Hugh Parkfield (Mandy Patinkin): I can’t believe how much we have in common. We’re both studying the environment, we’re both utterly humorless about our vegetarianism, and we both love the Rolling Stones.
Lisa: Yes. Not for their music, but for their tireless efforts to preserve historic buildings.

Season 7

Macarthur Parker (Jeff Goldblum): Ever hear of The Planet of the Apes?
Troy McClure: Ah… the movie or the planet?

Corgan: Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.

Tech guy: Who is playing with the London Symphony Orchestra? Come on people, somebody ordered the London Symphony Orchestra… possibly while high. Cypress Hill, I’m looking in your general direction.
Cypress Hill: Yo, did we order the London Symphony?

Erin (Christina Ricci): You like hanging out too?
Lisa: Well it beats doing stuff.
Erin: Yeah. Doing stuff sucks.

Season 8

Larry Burns (Rodney Dangerfield): I tell you, I don’t get no regard. No regard at all. No esteem either.

Mulder: Mr. Simpson, we want you to recreate your every move the night you saw the alien.
Homer: The evening began at the gentleman’s club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it’s a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney’s car eating packets of mustard. Happy?

Scully: Homer, we’re going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. lie detector blows up.

Bart: Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here?
Leonard Nimoy: Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near.
Bart: Uh huh.
Hot Dog Vendor: Hey Spock, what do you want on your hot dog?
Leonard Nimoy: Surprise me.

Frank Ormand (Jack Lemmon): Hello, I’m Frank Ormand. And if you’re watching me, that means you’ve got pretzel fever. And not the kind that attacked my intestinal lining some years back.

Marge: I have something that I’d like to sell.
John (John Waters): Please tell me it’s your hair.
Marge: No. It’s an heirloom my grandmother passed down to me. A very rare old figurine from the Civil War.
Lisa: Please don’t construe our ownership of this as an endorsement of slavery.
John: Hm. Well see here’s the thing on this. It’s a Johnny Reb bottle, early 1970s. One of the J&R Whiskey Liquor Lads. Two books of green stamps if I’m not mistaken.
Marge: Oh no. Oh no. No no no no. It’s a very very old figurine.
John: No, it’s a liquor bottle. See? Ah! That’ll make your bull run.
Marge: Well. I guess it’ll always be a monument to Grandma’s secret drinking problem.

Homer: Fifty bucks for a toy? No kid is worth that.
John: Ah, but this is the Rex Mars’ Atomic Discombobulator. Don’t you just love the graphics on this box?
Homer: No. how can you love a box or a toy or graphics? You’re a grown man!
John (John Waters): It’s camp! The tragically ludicrous? The ludicrously tragic?
Homer: Oh yeah. Like when a clown dies.

John: And Helen Lovejoy. Sure she looks blonde, but I’ve heard cuffs and collar don’t match if you get my drift.
Marge: I don’t, but I loved hearing it.

Homer: It’s a miracle!
John: No, ultrasuede is a miracle. This is just good timing.

Homer: I don’t want you calling him a sissy. This guy’s a fruit, and a— . No, wait. Queer. Queer! Queer. That’s what you liked to be called, right?
John: Well that, or John.
Lisa: This is about as tolerant as Dad gets, so you should be flattered.

Cecil: And now to kill you. There may be a slight ringing in your ears. Fortunately, you’ll be nowhere near them.

Season 9

Hank Hill (Mike Judge): We drove two thousand miles for this?

Cooder (Jim Varney): Son, if you don’t finish your cotton candy you won’t get your sno cone.

James Earl Jones: So the children learned to function as a society. and eventually they were rescued by, oh… let’s say, Moe.

Bart: Excuse me, I’m looking for someone named Jay Leno.
Jay Leno: Somebody wanna get this kid a TV?
Bart: Woah. Gee, thanks Mister.

Brad (Brendan Fraser): And when he reaches the top, Mr. Simpson here will plant this Power Sauce flag as an eternal symbol of man’s contempt for nature.

Neil (Steven Weber): Wake up, Homer. Those bars are just junk. They’re made of apple cores and Chinese newspapers.
Homer looking at the bar: Hey. Deng Xiaoping died.

Season 10

Lisa: These are for pierced ears.
Sherri: Yeah, aren’t they great?
Terri: Alex did ours.
Alex Whitney (Lisa Kudrow): Yeah, all you need is a thumbtack and a lot of paper towels.

Lisa: Come on, Alex. We’ve only got nine, maybe ten years, tops where we can giggle in church and chew with our mouths open and go days without bathing. We’ll never have that freedom again.
Alex: Listen, you can giggle and stink all you want, but I have a credit card. So *phtpt* on you.

Audience Member: Yeah, I got a question for that gross thing, whatever it is.
Jerry Springer: Homer.

Ron Howard sniffing Homer’s breath: Do I smell vodka… and wheatgrass?
Homer: It’s called a lawnmower, I invented it. You want one?
Ron Howard: Yeah, okay.
Kim Basinger: And I’ll have a rum and zinc.

Wally Kogen (Fred Willard): Wally Kogen.
Homer: Hey, I know you! We were in the same pyramid scheme.
Wally Kogen: Yeah. Don’t remind me. Friends Helping Friends, my ass.

Rupert Murdoch: I’m Rupert Murdoch, the billionaire tyrant. And this is my skybox.

Apu: Elton John!
Elton John: That’s my name. Well, not really.

Astrid Weller (Isabella Rossellini): Your husband’s work is what we call “outsider art”. It could be by a mental patient, or a hillbilly, or a chimpanzee.
Homer: In high school I was voted most likely to *be* a mental patient, hillbilly, or chimpanzee!

Season 11

Studio Executive: You desecrated a classic film. This is worse than Godfather 3.
Mel Gibson: Woah. Hey. Woah. Let’s not say things we can’t take back.

Mel Gibson: I’m getting too old for this crap.
Homer: How old are you anyway?
Mel Gibson: Well I’ve been told I can play anywhere from 28 to—
Homer: Sorry I asked!

Mark McGwire: Young Bart here was right. We are spying on you pretty much around the clock.
Bart: But why, Mr. McGwire?
Mark McGwire: Do you want to know the terrifying truth or do you want to see me sock a few dingers!
Townsfolk: Dingers! Dingers!

Lucy Lawless: Must remove my breastplate! {Xena fans start snapping photos} Maybe later.

Bart: Wow! Thanks for saving us.
Lucy Lawless: No problem. Now let’s get you kids home.
Lucy flies, carrying Bart and Lisa.
Lisa: Wait a minute, Xena can’t fly.
Lucy Lawless: I told you, I’m not Xena. I’m Lucy Lawless.

Teller: Will you shut up!
Homer: Hey, I thought you didn’t talk.
Teller: I didn’t mean to. It just slipped out. Oh god, now Penn’s gonna beat me.
Penn: Folks, it’s all part of the act.
Teller: No it isn’t! Don’t leave me alone with him!
Penn: You ruined the act! I’m gonna kill you!
Teller: He’ll do it.
I’m not the first Teller.

Larry Kidkill (Garry Marshall): Get ready for the eight wonders of the third world. Welcome to Octopia!

Marge: Could you at least tell me what you’re planning to do with me?
Meat Hook (John Goodman): Oh, don’t worry, you’re safe. None of us find you sexually attractive.
Marge: None of you? really? I could have sworn that Ram Rod— Well, did you see that picture of me in… ?
Meat Hook: Sorry.
Marge: Well good. I guess.

Meat Hook: There’s only one reasonable way to settle this. You and me in the Circle of Death.
Marge: Oh. I just swept the Circle of Death.

Lisa: You people took advantage of trusting school children!
Jim Hope (Tim Robbins): How did you get past Gary Coleman?
Bart: Let’s just say he’s a few prawns short of a galaxy.

Pledge Drive Host: Sure, FOX makes a fortune from advertising. But it’s still not enough.
Rupert Murdoch: Not nearly enough!
Betty White: So if you don’t want to see crude low-brow programming disappear from the airwaves, please, call now.

Rupert Murdoch picking up phone: Hello, Murdoch here. […] ten thousand dollars? You’ve saved my network!
Bart: Wouldn’t be the first time.

Becky (Parker Posey): Wow! You’re a real life Martha Stewart. I mean without the evil.

Season 12

Roger Daltrey: Who huddle!

Number Six (Patrick McGoohan): Welcome, friend. I’m Number Six.
Number 15: I’m Number 15. What Number are you?
Homer: I am not a number! I am a man! And don’t you ever— Oh wait. I’m Number Five. Ha ha! In your face, Number Six.
Number Six: Yes. Well done.
Homer: Who are all these oddballs?
Number Six: Well they keep us here because we know too much. Number 27 there knows how to turn water into gasoline. Number 12 knows the deadly secret behind tic-tacs. And I invented the bottomless peanut bag.

Wiggum: My wife and I like watching that Oz show on HBO. Uh, is… is prison really like that?
Jack (Michael Keaton): wouldn’t know. We only get basic cable.
Wiggum: Ouch. I also like that Sex in the City. None of those girls looks like my wife.
Jack: Sportscenter’s not bad.
Wiggum: Yeah, I never got that show.
Jack: What’s to get? They just tell the scores.
Wiggum: Yeah, I suppose, yeah. Hey, ya meet any mob guys? Are they really like The Sopranos?
Jack: I told you, we just get basic cable.
Wiggum: Oh right, right, right. Listen, if I’m getting too chatty, just, uh, just tell me to shut up.
Jack: Ah, I’m enjoying it. Hey, you ever watch them strong man contests? They’re pretty good. Those guys look strong. Other guys in prison say they’re gay, but I don’t know. They look strong to me.

Season 13

Judge Constance Harm (Jane Kaczmarek): Don’t spit on my cupcake and tell me it’s frosting.

Judge Harm: But I was just going to bang my gavel making the sentence official.
Judge Snyder: Sorry, I’ve already put my clown down.
Judge Harm: But I was just going to—
Judge Snyder: The clown is down.

Homer: Hey! You’re looking at that spokesjack. Well I can fantasize too. {he looks around at various products} Oo! Mama Celeste.
Mama Celeste: You touch me, and I cut you! {he looks at the Newman’s Own dressing}
Paul Newman: Homer. I’ll tell you what I told Redford. It ain’t gonna happen.

Lisa: Mr. Gere I was hoping Buddhism could bring me inner peace. Or is that just a pipe dream?
Richard Gere: We all have dreams. Mine is of a free Tibet.
Lisa: That would be so great.
Lenny: I dream about meatball sandwiches. All you can eat for two bucks.
Richard Gere: Good luck.

Marge: I’m Marge Simpson. Long-time customer. First time complainer.
Garth Motherloving (Ben Stiller): Hey Marge. I’m not up on the current slang, but do the kids still say, “Get the hell out of my office.”?

Artie Ziff: You can’t spell party without Artie! If you misspell party. Or Artie…

James Lipton: It’s a pleasure to eat your lead, good sir.

Manjula: I know you have all gone to a lot of trouble to meddle in my affairs. But you cannot change my mind with one night of blasphemy and store-bought tandoori. Or should I say, blandoori!

Homer is talking to Carmen Electra’s chest
Carmen Electra: Uh. Homer, my face is up here.
Homer: I’ve made my choice.

Season 14

Mick Jagger: Remember, rule number one: there are no rules! Rule number two: no outside food.

Elvis Costello: Come on. Who’d like to be a bass player?
Homer: Out of my way, Nerdlinger. grabs guitar and knocks off Elvis’ glasses
Elvis Costello: My image!

Sara Sloane (Marisa Tomei): Are you for real?
Ned: I’m as real as the nose on your face.
Sara Sloane: Yeah… real.

Sara Sloane: Rainier, you’re too jealous. You beat up Jon Lovitz just because he presented me an award.
Rainier Wolfcastle: Oh come on! Nobody misses a handshake that badly.

Sara Sloane: Wow. That made me completely forget about Bob Balaban.
Ned: Huh. That’s what Maude used to say.

Declan Desmond (Eric Idle): And in a flash, Bart’s glory has gone the way of England’s masculinity.

Lisa: Does it make you feel superior to tear down people’s dreams?
Declan: Yes. Does it make you feel smart to question people’s motives?
Lisa: Yes.
Declan: Well alright then.

Lisa: Sister! You mean she’s not your girlfriend?
Luke Stetson (Jonathan Taylor Thomas): Hell no. They outlawed that in this state two years ago.

Season 15

Jennifer Garner: You know Dr. Hershbach, our jobs are actually not that different.
Dr. Hershbach: I disagree.

Artie Ziff (Jon Lovitz): I had nowhere to go. So I came here because Marge is the closest thing I’ve ever had to true love.
Marge: We had one date! And you were not a gentleman.

Marge: My husband’s going to jail and it’s all your fault. Do you know why no one likes you?
Artie Ziff: Anti-semitism?

Nichelle Nichols: Listen, I said it to Shatner and I’m saying it to you. There is no way I’m going to be dating a man with pie on his face.

Season 16

Chloe Talbot (Kim Cattrall): How about a half-hour of pity sex?
Barney: Is there any other kind?

Bart: Jeepers, it’s 50 Cent!
50 Cent: Yo, B. I heard you throw down on stage. Wanna join my world tour?
Bart: Sorry, 50. I have school tomorrow.
50 Cent: You’re right. The more you know, the further you go. And that’s one to grow on. {to his assistant} Does that count as community service?
Assistant: No.
50 Cent: A’ight, take me to the park. We’ll pick up dog poop.

Gary Busey: I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. Joe is me. And “Mary” is a composite of twelve different women and a small independent film company, all of whom couldn’t deal with me. Because I’m too real.

Frank Gehry: Bill… bill… Bilbao bill… Snoopy stationery!

Officer Krackney (Charles Napier): Let’s see now. Barely finished high school, you challenged me to fight six times since the interview began…
Homer: Make it seven!
Officer Krackney: Mr. Simpson, I like the way you go nuts over nothing.

Homer: I’m not supposed to be new meat! I’m supposed to have your job!
Officer Krackney: I’m sick of you positing on alternate realities.

Tab Spangler (Al Brooks): C’mon, let’s look for your dad. And if we have some time maybe we’ll look for mine.

Homer: I am not too fat. I’m alive, aren’t I?
Tab Spangler: Mr. Simpson, you’re suffering from P.S.I. {points to the PSI sign} Poor Self Esteem. That’s not I. Every sign is wrong!
Homer: Oh that’s terrible.
Tab Spangler: We got a long drive ahead. You wanna pull off at a motel? We’ll split a room.
Homer: Where will I sleep?
Tab Spangler: We can worry about that when we’re standing naked before the bed! My goodness! No wonder you eat. What are you eating now?
Homer: Cheeseburger.
Tab Spangler: You’re a catastrophe! Let me have half of it.
Homer: I don’t wanna.
Tab Spangler: I just want the cheese. I don’t want the meat. I do want the meat!
Homer: Here’s a corner.
Tab Spangler: Let me just bite it. Don’t rip it! Let me have the whole thing. You’ll get some later.
Homer: You’re a selfish jerk.
Tab Spangler: I’ve smelled it. It has to be eaten!
Homer: But it’s my burger.
Tab Spangler: I’m driving. I’ll kill us.
Homer: Fine. I’d rather die.

Bart: Stupid Catholic school. Suffering for my hip attitude. I’m the real Jesus here.
Father Sean (Liam Neeson): So it’s sacrilege you’re spouting now.
Bart: What’s it to ya, Irish?

Father Sean (Liam Neeson): I was laying in the gutter, picking up my teeth, when St. Peter himself appeared before me. “Sean, ya wanker,” he says. “Repent of your wicked ways or sod off.” And he gobbed in my face and turned back into a street light.

Season 17

Tammy (Lily Tomlin): How ’bout that wind! I don’t know how you keep your hair so perfect.
Marge: Johnson’s Water Seal.
Tammy: My name’s Tammy. And these are my friends. The Cheery Red Tomatoes.

Mason Fairbanks (Michael York): I’ve dined with the Prince of Wales and killer whales. And only the latter knew how to chew without humming.

Charles (Ricky Gervais): Marge, I love you. And I can tell by your basic level of courtesy that you love me too.
Marge: What? No!

Richard Dean Anderson to Selma and Patty: You’re into MacGuyver? That show was so stupid. “Oh, I’m MacGuyver! I can make a bomb out of a banana peel and a toaster!” That show was just a paycheck to me and nothing more.

Richard Dean Anderson: Watch the face! I need that for acting!

Richard Dean Anderson: Okay, here’s the plan: you lock me in the trunk of a car and park it under the pier at low tide. All I need are these everyday objects: a nail file, a Farmer’s Almanack, a gun with no bullets, some bullets, and three of my MacGuyver writers.

Richard Dean Anderson: Welcome home! Guess who made MacGuyver burgers? MacGuyver.
Patty: We didn’t have any ground beef.
Richard Dean Anderson: Yeah, but you did have Slim Jims, a cheese grater and rubber bands to hold it all together.
Selma: We gotta get rid of this kook.

Season 18

Lisa: It’s Tom Wolfe! He uses more exclamation points than any other major American writer.
Tom Wolfe: It’s true!

Gore Vidal: I don’t need your sycophantic laughter. I have some on tape.

J. Jonah Jameson (J. K. Simmons): I need photos. Photos of Spiderman!
Assistant: This is a poetry journal.
J. Jonah Jameson: Okay, then poems about Spiderman. And I want them finished before you start. And before you start, get me some coffee.

Moe: Don’t you hags know that all male figure skaters are twinkly in the lutz.
Elvis Stojko: That’s a common misconception. I have a girlfriend in Vancouver.
Moe: Made up girlfriend, made up city.

Darcy (Natalie Portman): Wow. You really are ten. I thought you were just kinda stupid.
Bart: I’m ten and stupid.

Darcy: I wanted you to marry me so my baby would have a dad. I’m very religious that way.
Bart: How religious can you be if you’re pregnant? {she slaps him} Good answer.

Declan Desmond (Eric Idle): But Homer had found a peanut of hope in his Crackerjack box of despair.

Jack: Chloe, I need those schematics now.
Bart: What? Who is this?
Jack: I’m Jack Bauer. Who the hell are you?
Bart: Me? Uh. I’m … Ahmed A. Dooty.
Jack: Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed A. Dooty. Does anyone there know Ahmed A. Dooty?
Chloe: Ahmed A. Dooty. Wealthy Saudi financier disappeared into Afghanistan in the late 90s.
Jack: Really?
Chloe: No, Jack. It’s a joke name.
You’re being set up.
Jack: Dammit!

Season 19

Homer: Dr. Frederick J. Waxman, you’re a genius!
Colby Kraus (Stephen Colbert): That’s not my name.
Homer: I wasn’t talking to you.

Colby Kraus (Stephen Colbert): You have what made America great: no understanding of the limits of your power and a complete lack of concern for what anyone thinks of you.

Homer: Wow. Praise from Placido Domingo.
Placido Domingo: Just call me P. Mingo.
Homer: Eh. I’ll think about it.

Homer: When you call in sick, who do you call?
Louie (Matt Dillon): I don’t call in sick. I work when I wanna.
Homer: Sometimes you wanna work?

Dwight (Steve Buscemi): Okay, this isn’t the way I planned it. But you can make it out alive as long as there’s no funny stuff.
Krusty: Don’t worry about me. I was voted America’s Least Funny clown. Worse than Scuzzo, Scummo, Oopsie, Carlos Mencia, Stinko, Blumpy… Even worse than Sergeant Serious. How could I do worse than him? I stole all his jokes!

Dr. Robert Terwilliger, Sr. (John Mahoney): East bids two hearts.
Gino: Three diamonds.
Snake: Three clubs! {he clubs them over the head}
Cecil (David Hyde Pierce): The joke’s not funny and the bid’s not sufficient.

Jon Stewart: Hey Krusty, I haven’t seen you since you bailed on that benefit.
Krusty: Yeah, I didn’t really believe in the cause.
Jon Stewart: Well Krusty’s Kids sure missed you.
Krusty: Yeah, they’re great. A little clingy.

Jon Stewart: I’ll thank you to keep my zingers out of your mouth. I’ll try to remember you the way you used to be.
Krusty: But I’ve always been terrible!

Homer: If you haven’t sprung from or are married to my loins get out of this house. You too, Fred Thompson.
Fred Thompson: But I was in Die Hard.
Homer: Die Hard 2.

Drew Carey: What I love about Krusty is he’s always on. But to find out what, you gotta test his pee.
Homer: Pee! Ha ha ha.
Drew Carey: Seriously. Test his pee. He’s a danger to the community.

Season 20

Denis Leary: Can I give you some advice?
Marge: Of course! You’re Denis Leary.
Denis Leary: Give your kid back the phone, but first activate its built-in GPS system. That way you can
log on to your carrier’s web site and track your son’s movements. The way I track every actor who gets a movie that I was up for.
Marge: Shouldn’t you just be happy for their success?
Denis Leary: I should be a lot of things, lady.

Season 21

Tom Smothers: Dick, you’re my brother and I love you.
Dick Smothers: Well I love you too, Tom. Thank you very much. But! If you hadn’t fought CBS they would never have fired us from our show.
Tom Smothers: Oh, they didn’t fire us, Dick.
Dick Smothers: They didn’t?
Tom Smothers: We quit.
Dick Smothers: We did not quit. They fired us.
Tom Smothers: You, you were fired. They didn’t—
Dick Smothers: They fired us from the show.
Tom Smothers: No, they fired you. They didn’t fire me.
Dick Smothers: Why wouldn’t they fire you?
Tom Smothers: Because they can’t fire The Yo-Yo Master!

Bob Costas: Oh my, that delivery has less juice than Sunny Delight.

Virgil (Wren T. Brown): You look like you could use a little help.
Eliza Simpson: Actually I’m here to help you. Follow me north, to freedom.
Virgil: I don’t think so.
Eliza: Why? Because I’m young and I’m a woman?
Virgil: No, because you’re pointing south.
Eliza: Right, right. Sorry, it’s my first time.
Virgil: That’s okay. It’s my fourteenth.

Bart: Oh man you girls ruin everything. Even vampires.
Nikki (Sarah Silverman): Hey! Vampires are cool outsiders who love girls who hate cheerleaders.
Bart: No. They’re all about chomping neck. And they don’t put product in their hair like this loser.

Principal Skinner: So the lesson is, children—
Michelle Obama (Angela Bassett): I’ll tell them what the lesson is.
Superintendent Chalmers: He’s our Joe Biden.
Michelle Obama (Angela Bassett): Understood.

Jacob (Sacha Baron Cohen): I’m pushy? Please! You stay there, surrounded by your great enemy, Canada. Try Syria for two months. Then we’ll see who’s pushy.

Simon Cowell: How do you like LA?
Moe: Oh it’s a hell of a city. It’s like someone stepped on New York and scraped it off on a beach.
Simon Cowell: Clever. Slightly nasty. Very impressive.

Moe: Simon? Huh. Was he really here or was it just my imagination?
Simon Cowell: I’m here. My black tee shirt makes me blend into the shadows. I’m here. I’m gone. I’m here. I’m gone. I’m here. I’m gone.
Moe: I get it. I get it. That’s your thing.

Ryan Seacrest: Okay. Randy, what did you think of that performance?
Randy Jackson
: A’ight, a’ight. You know what? I was feeling that, dog. Happy was very cool, right? But “birth” was definitely a little pitchy. But I gotta tell you something, you worked it out on “day”, man. And then when you hit that “to you”? Dude, that was the bomb. You blew out all the candles, baby.
Ryan Seacrest: If you think that answer was a “yes”. Text the number at the bottom of your screen. Giant secret charges may apply.

Season 22

Edmund (Daniel Radcliffe): You have beautiful eyes.
Lisa: They’re just dots and circles.

Martha Stewart: Wake up, Marge. Magical memories don’t make themselves.
Marge: Martha Stewart! How did you get in here?
Martha Stewart: A picket fence, stood on its end, makes a sturdy and attractive ladder.

Martha Stewart: You boys want to play soldier?
Bart: I can’t think of a better way to spend Jesus’ birthday.
Milhouse: I’m not sure I like where this is going.
Martha Stewart: Well I’m not sure anyone asked your opinion. {she tapes over their mouths.}

Lisa: Ms. Stewart, I made a star for the tree out of discarded water bottles.
Martha Stewart: Lovely, dear. Except I would have soaked the labels off with warm water. Then I would have melted the plastic down in a double-boiler and poured it into a candy mold. And finally, I wouldn’t have presented it quite so proudly.
Lisa: I’ll go outside and make snow angels.
Martha Stewart: Lie face down, and your beautiful smile will be molded into the snow.
Lisa: Okay.

Digby Sheridan: Crap. Total crap. You! Writer! What’s your name?
David Mamet: Um. David Mamet.
Digby Sheridan: Well, “Mr. Mamet”. Why don’t you *bleep* learn how to *bleep* write a *bleep* script!
David Mamet: Hm. “*bleep*.” I could use that. {writing Glengarry Glen Ross: Act One}

Ricky Gervais: What do you think?
Not-Ridley Scott: I’m a seat filler.
Ricky Gervais: Well why didn’t you say that a minute ago? Don’t take any of my ideas.

Homer: Do I get to meet Dave?
Cheech Marin: There is no Dave.
Homer: How about Don Johnson?
Cheech: It’d be easier to meet Dave.

Homer: Can we at least get some french fries?
Cheech: Too high in trans fats.
Homer: Stop speaking Spanish.

Dr. Zander (Paul Rudd): Homer, to emphasize the seriousness of this situation, I’m going to turn my chair around backwards.

Dr. Zander: I believe we’ve made excellent progress here today. And after another few more years of twice weekly sessions we can really—
Homer: Um… I lied about having health insurance.
Dr. Zander: And you’re cured.

Marge: Whatever you did to my husband, it was too effective.
Dr. Zander: Hm. Yes. One of the most common complaints of therapy.

Lisa: I guess it’s up to me to save you, Cregg Demon, Magic Freak.
Ricky Jay: You ain’t saving nobody demon nothing freak!
Lisa: Ricky Jay? David Copperfield? Penn! {gasps} Teller.
David Copperfield: We switched the trick milk can with a regular milk can.
Lisa: But why?
Penn: Because when he—
Teller: Quiet! You talk on stage, I talk off stage. That was the curse the witch put on us.

Penn: Woah. My ponytail’s been burnt. Teller, the witch’s curse is broken!
Teller: Penn, there never was a curse.
Penn: You’re a real jerk, you know that?

Season 23

Tom Colicchio: For your prize, you have won a new kitchen. Which I will now become. {he transforms} Ow! Ow! I miss my Soulpatch.

Wayne Slater (Kiefer Sutherland): I’m sorry. I have so many nightmares I’ve done unspeakable things. From Buenos Aires to the Ukraine.
Marge: Well what brought you to Springfield? Was it our Frit-o-Lay Distribution Center?
Wayne: I needed somewhere to lie low. Your town appears on no maps or charts.
Homer: Yeah, they couldn’t find a Google Map photo without me naked or urinating.
Marge: And when there was a mapmaker’s convention here, they all got Lou Gehrig’s Disease.
Homer: Not the one you’re thinking of. There was another one.

Wayne walks past Tsarbuck’s, Insane in the Ukraine and Cossacks Fifth Avenue
Wayne: I’d take a moment to enjoy those store names if I didn’t have a job to do.

Walter: Yes Maggie, we will have a use for you soon. Stay close to your Busybox.

Homer: You’re mean!
Roz Davis (Jane Lynch): And
I want a list of a hundred ways to make your job worse by close of business today.
Homer: Can one of the hundred be making the list?
Roz Davis: No.
Homer: Can some of them be callbacks to earlier ones?
Roz Davis: Also no.
Homer: Oh!

Anthony Bourdain: I’m food bad boy Tony Bourdain. There’s nowhere I won’t go and nothing I won’t eat. As long as I’m paid in emeralds and my hotel room has a bidet that shoots warm champagne.

Mario Batali: Everything’s more fun with Homer.

Gordon Ramsay: Now get out of my dream.
Marge: It’s my dream.
Gordon Ramsay: Not anymore it’s not.

Bart: Okay, Gaiman. You’re in. Your job is to get lunch. And lose the British accent.
Neil Gaiman: Cheeseburgers! French fries! I’m all over that, pal.

Neil Gaiman: I’m so proud of us.
Bart: Oh, you didn’t write any of it.
Neil Gaiman: That tuna didn’t salad itself.

Homer: Do the characters still say trolly instead of cool?
Exec (Andy Garcia): No.
Homer: Oh, that is so untrolly!

Exec: Hey, if you don’t want your words changed write a screenplay. We own your book.

Robert Marlowe (John Slattery): Before you say yes, Simpson, I feel it’s my duty to warn you. Account men lose their soul.
Homer: Woo hoo! No more church!

Marlowe: There ain’t enough bourbon in Kentucky for you, big guy.
Homer: Yeah. The governor wrote me a letter to that effect.

Annie Dubinsky (Joan Rivers): If you ever hear a star’s name and wonder, “Is he dead?” The answer is either I represent him, or yes.

Annie Dubinsky: Would you played a bloated corpse on CSI?
Homer: Would I!
Annie Dubinsky: Wow, that’s good bloat work.
Bart: He always comes back really religious.

Marge: This is the part where I get the kids out of the room.
Annie Dubinsky: Today’s kids are less sensitive than an army condom. They’ve seen more on TV than my mother did on her wedding night. And they don’t complain about it for the next fifty years.

Rag (Jeremy Irons): I was moved to a magnificent cathedral and learned that tapestries were the rock stars of the Middle Ages. I had legions of what you now call groupies. It felt like the good times known as the Dark Ages would never end.

Nick (Michael Cera): I don’t know, this water’s a little choppy.
Lisa: I thought you rode up the Zambizi without a guide.
Nick: Right. Right.

Nick: This isn’t working out. Lisa, I’m sorry that God gave me this gift of lying to girls for a little while.

Shepard Fairey: I’m not in the business of helping out poseurs anymore. Now I just sell stuff to them.