The Simpsons The Simpsons Seasons

Season 12


Dan Castellaneta  Drew Barrymore  Hank Azaria  Harry Shearer  Joshua Jackson  Julie Kavner  Kelsey Grammer  Marcia Wallace  Michael Keaton  Nancy Cartwright  Pamela Hayden  Patrick McGoohan  Roger Daltrey  Tress MacNeille  Yeardley Smith

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Treehouse of Horror XI

Homer: Who cut out Beetle Bailey? I need my Miss Buxley fix.
Marge: I don’t like you ogling her! Why don’t you read Cathy? She’s hilarious.
Homer: Eh. Too much baggage.

Homer: Snakes. Nature’s quitter.

Homer: That horoscope was baloney. Nothing happened except for the pickaxe in my head, the rattlesnake bite and the testicle thing.

Dr. Hibbert: Another broccoli-related death.
Marge: But I thought broccoli was—
Dr. Hibbert: Oh yes. One of the deadliest plants on Earth. Why, it tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.

Marge: Well I’ve got a whole list of chores. Clean the garage, paint the house—
Homer: Woah woah woah. I’m just trying to get in. I’m not running for Jesus.

Homer: I lost my job as an oaf today.
Marge: What? Oh why are the oafs the first to go?
Bart: Maybe you could be a dunce, Father.

Lisa: You know, she’s only fattening you up so she can eat you.
Bart: Eh. What are you going to do?
Lisa: You could at least stop basting yourself.

Mayor Quimby: People, please! We’re all frightened and horny. But we can’t let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring.

Lisa: Oh no, you poor thing. {she removes plastic and it bites her} Ow! Son of a—

Kang: Can you believe it, Kodos? They left us out of the Halloween show!
Kodos: Are you sure the space phone is working? {Kang checks} Hang up! They could be trying to call right now.
Kang: I knew we should have sent them a muffin basket.

A Tale of Two Springfields

I will not plant subliminal messagores

Lindsey Naegle: I know some of you are upset about the area code change. Especially those of you covered in dynamite.

Homer: Nice wiring, Bart.
Bart: It worked on the test corpse.

Nurse: Oh no. You can’t do heart surgery in the dark.
Dr. Hibbert: Sounds like a wager to me.

Kent Brockman: Thanks, Mayor Simpson. Because of you we’re all taking golden showers! {the crew starts laughing} What?

Roger Daltrey: Who huddle!

Mr. Burns: Smithers, why did you iron a crease in these dungarees? I look like a square!
Smithers: Uh. That crease is in your leg, sir.

Principal Skinner: Hm. Not like The Who to be tardy. I’m worried.

Insane Clown Poppy

I will not surprise the incontinent

Homer: Honey, there’s a point in every father’s life when he blows up his daughter’s room.
Lisa: Oh yeah? You didn’t blow up Maggie’s room. {there’s an explosion down the hall}

Dr. Nick Riviera: With my diet you can eat all you want anytime you want.
Marge: And you’ll lose weight?
Dr. Nick Riviera: Ah, you might. It’s a free country!

Sophie (Drew Barrymore): I can’t believe you would gamble with something that meant so much to me.
Krusty: Wait! Time out! Four aces is not a gamble.

Lisa: I’m all for ethnic diversity but this is just pandering.
Homer: Maybe so, but Dawson is gonna be bummed.

Homer: Ow! That bullet went in!

Lisa the Tree Hugger

I am not the acting president

Thai Restaurant Owner: Menu Boy must move silently like ghost. Leave no footprint. Only lunch special.

Marge: I can’t believe how young he is! He’d be cute if he weren’t so idealistic.

Jesse Grass (Joshua Jackson): I’m a level five vegan. I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow.

Lisa: Do you think I could join Dirt First?
Jesse Grass: Well we might have an opening at the poseur level.

Homer vs. Dignity

I was not the sixth Beatle

Marge: When did this happen? When did we become the bottom rung of society?
Homer: I think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hobos.

Marge: Maybe we should talk to a financial planner.
Homer: Financial panther, eh? {he imagines it} Heh heh heh. I’m on board.

Mr. Burns: A show about a doll? Why not write a musical about the common cat? Or the king of Siam! Give it up, Smithers.
Smithers: Actually, sir, we’ve been booked into a small theatre in New Mexico.
Mr. Burns: Woah woah. Slow down there, maestro. There’s a “new” Mexico?

Lenny: Wow. I’ve never seen you have so many lunch beers before, Homer.
Carl: Oh I concur! {they look surprised} Word-of-the-day calendar. {holds up an entry for “conquer”}

Lenny: My eye! I’m not supposed to get pudding in it!

Comic Book Guy eating Peeps: Oh, if only the real chicks went down this easy.

The Computer Wore Menace Shoes

I will only provide a urine sample when asked

Salesman: That’s the same computer astronauts use to do their taxes.
Homer: I was an astronaut.
Salesman: Of course you were.

Homer: Don’t worry, head. The computer will do our thinking now.

Homer: Now then. {to mouse} Computer, kill Flanders.
Flanders: Did I hear my name? My ears are burning.
Homer to computer: Good start. Now finish the job.

Homer: Oo! It’s Dancing Jesus. If there’s a better use for the internet I haven’t found it.

Lisa: You can’t post that on the internet. You don’t even know if it’s true.
Homer: Nelson has never steered me wrong, honey. Nelson is gold.
Bart: You know, it might have been Jimbo.
Homer: Beautiful! We have confirmation.

Chief Wiggum: I assure you, the police do not take prisoners out of their cells and race them. {beat} Anymore.
Phil: What about using the electric chair to cook chicken?
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, alright. This press conference is over.

Lisa: Well you can’t post news if you don’t have any.
Homer: That’s a great idea. I’ll make up some news!
Lisa: At least take off your Pulitzer Prize when you say that.

Number Six (Patrick McGoohan): Welcome, friend. I’m Number Six.
Number 15: I’m Number 15. What Number are you?
Homer: I am not a number! I am a man! And don’t you ever— Oh wait. I’m Number Five. Ha ha! In your face, Number Six.
Number Six: Yes. Well done.
Homer: Who are all these oddballs?
Number Six: Well they keep us here because we know too much. Number 27 there knows how to turn water into gasoline. Number 12 knows the deadly secret behind tic-tacs. And I invented the bottomless peanut bag.

Homer: Of course. It’s so simple. Wait, no it’s not. It’s needlessly complicated.

The Great Money Caper

The nurse is not dealing

Homer: So she was made of chimps.
Bart: Man, magic can do anything.

Bart: Wow! It’s approved by the Royal Magic College of Hyderabad.
Lisa scoffing: That’s a party magic college.

Marge: What are you doing? Why are you frosting that old throw pillow?
Homer: I could ask you the very same question!
Marge: Mm. Should I just back out of the room?
Homer: Would you?

Grampa: In the Depression you had to grift. Either that or work.

Grampa: Call me mint jelly! ‘Cause I’m on the lamb.

Skinner’s Sense of Snow

Science class should not end in tragedy

Marge: Ready for the circus, Homer?
Homer: The circus?
Lisa: Le Cirque de Purée. We’ve had tickets since septembre.
Homer: But I want to watch Brett Favre!

Lisa: As French-Canadians, they don’t believe in refunds or exploiting animals for entertainment.

Marge: They always pick the guy with the wires.

Marge: This is terrible! How will the kids get home?
Homer: I dunno. Internet?

Principal Skinner: Bart, if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s pretending things didn’t happened. And I think this is one of those.
Bart: One of which?
Principal Skinner: Exactly.
Bart: No, seriously. I wasn’t listening.


Network TV is not dead

Totally Sick, Twisted, F***ed-Up Animation Festival
Children Half-Price

Homer: Animation is so great. It’s way better than… whatever the alternative is.

Voice: For automated stock prices, please state the company name.
Homer: Animotion.
Voice: Animotion. Up one and one half.
Homer: Yahoo!
Voice: Yahoo. Up six and a quarter.
Homer: Huh? What is this crap?!
Voice: FOX Broadcasting. Down eight.

Homer: I have a great way to solve our money woes. You rent your womb to a rich childless couple. If you agree, signify by getting indignant.
Marge: Are you crazy? I’m not going to be a surrogate mother.
Homer: C’mon, Marge. We’re a team. It’s uter-US, not uter-YOU.
Marge: Forget it!

Scientist: That appetite suppressant is amazing!
Scientist 2: Homer… you really have no desire to eat that food?
Homer: Food? I’m blind! Augh! Augh!
Scientist 3: Who’s gonna buy a pill that makes you blind?
Scientist 2: We’ll let marketing worry about that.

Homer: I was working on a flat tax proposal and I accidentally proved there’s no god.

Homer: I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world. Change me back to the blissful boob I was.
Scientist: I’m sorry, we don’t play god here.
Homer: That’s ridiculous. You do nothing but play god. And I think your octo-parrot would agree.
Octo-Parrot: Awk! Polly shouldn’t be!

Marge: Lisa, a missing crayon could be anywhere.
Homer jumps through the window
Homer: Who wants lottery tickets?
Marge: Okay, it’s in his brain.

Pokey Mom

I will not “let the dogs out”

Warden: He painted a unicorn in outer space. I’m asking you, what’s it breathin’?
Homer: Air?
Warden: Ain’t no air in space!
Homer: There’s an Air and Space Museum.

Marge: The Lord will forgive me for giving you a second chance.
Jack (Michael Keaton): Actually Marge, it’s the third if you count that farm couple.
Marge: Farm couple?

Skinner: That felon could have torched the whole school. Were it not stuffed with asbestos.

Wiggum: My wife and I like watching that Oz show on HBO. Uh, is… is prison really like that?
Jack: Wouldn’t know. We only get basic cable.
: Ouch. I also like that Sex in the City. None of those girls looks like my wife.
Jack: Sportscenter’s not bad.
Wiggum: Yeah, I never got that show.
Jack: What’s to get? They just tell the scores.
Wiggum: Yeah, I suppose, yeah. Hey, ya meet any mob guys? Are they really like The Sopranos?
Jack: I told you, we just get basic cable.
Wiggum: Oh right, right, right. Listen, if I’m getting too chatty, just, uh, just tell me to shut up.
Jack: Ah, I’m enjoying it. Hey, you ever watch them strong man contests? They’re pretty good. Those guys look strong. Other guys in prison say they’re gay, but I don’t know. They look strong to me.

Worst Episode Ever

I will not hide the teacher’s medication

Bart: Milhouse, my friend, you and I are going on a spending spree.
Milhouse: My doctor says I’m not supposed to go on sprees.
Bart: What about jags?
Milhouse: Jags are fine.

Dr. Hibbert: Young man, you had what we call a cardiac episode.
Comic Book Guy: Worst. Episode. Ever.

Comic Book Guy: Human contact. The final frontier.

Bart: I must warn you, once this tape starts it will not stop. Because that button is broken.

Tennis the Menace

I will not publish the principal’s credit report

Abe: You don’t care what happens to me when I die!
Homer: Of course I do, Dad! And if it were up to me you wouldn’t die at all. But try telling that to Killy McGee up there!

Homer: What on earth are you doing?
Lisa: Practicing tennis.
Homer: That’s tennis? Oh! What’s the one where the chicks wail on each other?
Bart: Foxy boxing?

Lisa: Oedipus killed his father and married his mother.
Homer: Ugh. Who pays for that wedding?

Lisa: Dad, I think you’re over-reacting.
Homer: I think you’re under-reacting.
Lisa: This session’s over.
Homer: This session’s under!
Lisa: Goodbye.
Homer: Bad bye!

Day of the Jackanapes

The hamster did not have a “full life”

Krusty: Eh. This Quiz Show crap is just a fad.
Network Exec: Well fad or not, it’s here to stay.

Sideshow Bob: Oh can it, you tiresome tot-sitter. I was the risible one in our dyad.

Sideshow Bob: Rakes. My old archenemy.
Bart: I thought I was your archenemy.
Sideshow Bob: I have a life outside of you, Bart.

Krusty: You know I’d like to thank God for my success. Even though I never worshiped or believed in him in any way.

New Kids on the Blecch

I will not buy a Presidential pardon

Marge: Hey, Grampa’s running!
Lisa: That’s not Grampa. Dad’s just dehydrated.

Kent Brockman: A new challenger has emerged out of nowhere. He’s running on sheer pluck, moxy and grit. All of which he’ll be tested for after the race.

Principal Skinner: So from now on anything caught in your zipper will be handled by the school nurse and not me.

Homer: Evan eht Nioj. You gotta love that crazy chorus.
Lisa: What does it mean?
Homer: It doesn’t mean anything. It’s like “rama lama ding dong” or “give peace a chance.”

Lisa: There’s something weird about this video.
Marge: None of those girls has had three kids, I can tell you that.
Lisa: No, something else.

Bart: Think he’s going to do something dangerous?
Nelson: How should I know. Just keep loading missiles.

Milhouse: The Statue of Liberty! Where are we?

Hungry, Hungry Homer

“Temptation Island” was not a sleazy piece of crap

Lisa: Thank you, Dad!
Homer: Hey, any friend of Marge is a friend of mine.

Milhouse: What a great ballgame. Thanks, Weekend Dad!
Kirk: Stop calling me that.

Homer: Dancing away my hunger pangs, moving my feet so my stomach won’t hurt
I’m kinda like Jesus, but not in a sacrilegious way.

Homer: Who are you?
Cesar Chavez: The spirit of Cesar Chavez.
Homer: Why do you look like Cesar Romero?
Cesar Chavez: Because you don’t know what Cesar Chavez looks like.

Bye Bye Nerdie

I will not scare the Vice President

The kids are watching a commercial for Stabby-Oh’s featuring a beheaded mother
Lisa: That ad campaign may have crossed a line.
Homer: Eh, what can you do. Sex sells.

Marge: Homer! You’re still here? You should have left for work an hour ago.
Homer: They said if I come in late again I’m fired. I can’t take that chance.

Terry: Red hair! What’s she trying to pull?
Sherry: Those shoes look Canadian.

Saleswoman: Your baby is dead!
Homer and Marge: What?!
Saleswoman: That’s what you’d hear if your baby fell victim to the thousands of deathtraps lurking in the average American home.
Marge: “Springfield Baby Proofers”
Homer: You really scared us there.
Saleswoman: Sorry about that. But the truth is, your baby, Maggie Simpson, is dead! Dead tired of baby-proofers who don’t provide a free estimate. Let’s start in the kitchen.

Saleswoman: Now. Pretend I’m a baby.
Homer aside to Marge: That’s a pretty big caboose for a baby.
Marge: Homer, don’t be— Wow. That is huge.

Homer: That baby proofing crook wanted to sell us covers for the electrical outlets. But I’ll just draw bunny faces on them to scare Maggie away.
Marge: She’s not afraid of bunnies.
Homer: She will be.

Professor Frink at a scientific convention: Don’t make me flick the lights on and off! {No response from the crowd} Pi is exactly 3! {silence} I’m sorry it had to come to that.

Simpson Safari

I will not flush evidence

Homer: Hurry up! I can’t stand here jabbing you all day.
Bagger: Ow, stop! Bag boys have feelings too you know.
Homer: No you don’t.

Marge: Homer, no! Those were made in the sixties.
Homer: Mmm…. turbulent.

Marge: Who’s Muntu?
Kitenge: He is our leader. He seized power in a bloodless coup. All smothering.
Homer: Just like Jimmy Carter.

Homer: Poachers are nature’s way of keeping the balance. Whenever there are so many species that people get confused and angry, a poacher is born.

Homer: Augh! A hungry hungry hippo!

Greenpeace: She’s got diamonds everywhere!
Marge: Even on the soles of her shoes.

Trilogy of Error

Fire is not the cleanser

Flanders swearing: Son of a Diddly.

Marge: I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!
Homer: Sorry doesn’t put thumbs on the hand, Marge!

Dr. Nick: Inflammable means flammable? What a country!
Marge: Lisa!
Lisa: Mom, where’d you get that car?
Marge: I stole it from McBain after I cut off your father’s thumb.

Milhouse: I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency!

I’m Goin’ to Praiseland

Genetics is not an excuse

Bart: Ice cream in church? I’m intrigued, yet suspicious.
Lisa: Wow! Look at all these flavors. Blessed Virgin Berry, Commandmint. Bible Gum?
Reverend Lovejoy: Or if you’d prefer, we also have Unitarian ice cream.
Lisa: There’s nothing here.
Reverend Lovejoy: Exactly.

Lisa: That was great. I can’t believe she found a rhyme for Hezekiah.

Ned: So where’s your band?
Rachel Jordan: They switched from Christian music to regular pop. All you do is change “Jesus” to “baby.”
Ned: Oh how horrible.
Rachel Jordan: Oh, they’ll all go to Hell.

Marge: Wow. Three pairs of shoes. Someone had a fetish.

Homer: Now for the awkward part. We gotta talk about money.
Lisa: What? You said we were doing this out of friendship!
Homer: That doesn’t sound like me.

Homer: I’d be glad to spearhead the entire begging initiative.
Ned: Well thanks, Homer.
Homer: No problem. I’ll need a sack and something sharp.

Maude Flanders: She taught us the joy of shame and the shame of joy

Carl: Any religion that embraces carob is not for Carl Carlson.

Sideshow Mel: This place is the height of tedium!
Sea Captain: Yar. She blows.

Children of a Lesser Clod

Today is not Mothra’s Day

Rainier Wolfcastle: I have purchased the Springfield YMCA. I plan to tear it down and turn the land into a nature preserve. Where I will hunt the deadliest game of all: man.

Homer: Soon I will have a miracle hybrid, with the loyalty of a cat and the cleanliness of a dog!

Apu: Hello. I would like to take advantage of your baby prison.
Marge: We’re calling it day care.
Apu: Yes, whatever.

Bart: You haven’t seen the real Homer. It’s all burping and neglect.
Milhouse: I think we know your dad a little bit better than you do, Bart.

Simpsons Tall Tales

I should not be twenty-one by now

Moe: We gotta do something about Bunyan. We’re going bankrupt just feeding and clothing the guy. Not to mention the crushings.
Carl: I say we get him drunk and drag him out of town. Same way we got rid of Laura Ingalls Wilder.

Paul Bunyan: We’ve been together a long time now. When are we gonna… you know?
Marge: Soon. I just need a few more yoga classes.

Huck Finn: Whitewashin’ sucks, Tom. It powerful sucks.