The Simpsons

Bart Simpson

1989.12.17    

Nancy Cartwright

Season 1

Bart: There’s only one fat guy that brings us presents and his name ain’t Santa.

Bart: KWYJIBO. K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. Twenty-two points. Plus triple word score. Plus fifty points for using all my letters. Game’s over, I’m outta here.
Homer: Wait a minute, you little cheater! You’re not going anywhere until you tell me what a kwyjibo is.
Bart: Kwyjibo. Ah… a big dumb balding North American ape. With no chin.
Marge: And a short temper.
Homer: I’ll show you a big dumb balding ape!
Bart: Uh oh, kwyjibo on the loose!

Bart: Look everybody, I would just as soon not make a big deal out of this. I’m not saying I’m not a hero, I’m just saying that I fear for my safety.

Bart: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, contrary to what you’ve just seen, war is neither glamorous or fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars. With the following exceptions: the American Revolution, World War II and Star Wars trilogy.

Season 2

Bart: Look in my eyes. See the conviction? See the sincerity? See the fear? As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade!
Homer: And if you don’t, at least you’ll be bigger than the other kids.

Mrs. Krabappel: What’s the matter? Well I would think you’d be used to failing by now.
Bart: No, you don’t understand! I really tried this time! I mean I really tried.
Mrs. Krabappel: There there.
Bart: This is as good as I can do! And I still failed!
Mrs. Krabappel: Well, a 59. It’s a high F.
Bart: Who am I kidding? I really am a failure! Oh, now I know how George Washington felt when he surrendered Fort Necessity to the French in 1754.

Homer: We’re proud of you, Boy.
Bart:Thanks Dad. Part of this d-minus belongs to God.

Lisa: Mom, I poured my heart into that centerpiece. Things like that always happen in this family.
Bart: I noticed that too.

Marge: Oh Bart, we thought for a minute you’d gone away from us.
Bart: I did go away, Mom! I was miles and miles and miles away! Writhing in agony in the pits of Hell! And you were there, and you and you and you… {seeing Lionel Hutz} You I’ve never seen before.

Marge: Did you make any money?
Bart: Not yet but I’m in a lot of pain.

Season 3

Lisa: Excuse us, Rabbi Krustofski?
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski (Jackie Mason): Oh, what can I do for you my young friends?
Bart: We came to talk to you about your son.
Rabbi Krustofski: I have no son! {he slams the door}
Bart: Oh great. We came all this way and it’s the wrong guy.
Rabbi Krustofski: I didn’t mean that literally!

Bart: Rabbi, did not a great man say—and I quote, “The Jews are a swinging bunch of people. I mean, I’ve heard of persecution but what they went through is ridiculous. But the great thing is, after thousands of years of waiting and holding on and fighting, they finally made it.” End quote.
Rabbi Krustofski: Oh, I never heard the plight of my people phrased so eloquently. Who said that? Rabbi Hillel?
Bart: No.
Rabbi Krustofski: It was Judah the Pious.
Bart: No.
Rabbi Krustofski: Maimonides.
Bart: No.
Rabbi Krustofski: Oh, I got it. The Dead Sea Scrolls!
Bart: I’m afraid not, Rabbi. It’s from Yes I Can by Sammy Davis, Jr. An entertainer. Like your son.
Rabbi Krustofski: The Candy Man?

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart! Are those liquor bottles?
Bart: I brought enough for everybody.
Mrs. Krabappel: Take those to the teacher’s lounge. You can have what’s left at the end of the day.

Lisa: Bart, who’s winning?
Bart: “You hate Dad” is up by a touchdown.

Bart: You make me sick, Homer. You’re the one that told me I could do anything if I just put my mind to it.
Homer: Well now that you’re a little bit older I can tell you that’s a crock. No matter how good you are at something, there’s always about a million people better than you.
Bart: Gotcha. Can’t win, don’t try.

Bart: If you don’t watch the violence you’ll never get desensitized to it.
Lisa: Just tell me when the scary part’s over.

Bart: How would I go about creating a half-man, half-monkey type creature?
Mrs. Krabappel: I’m sorry, That would be playing God.
Bart: God shmod. I want my monkey man!

Bart: Milhouse, we’re living in the age of cooties. I can’t believe the risk you’re running.

Herb: Now I bet you’re all wondering what lies under this sheet!
Bart: Not really. We peeked inside when you were in the john.

Season 4

Lisa: I feel like I’m going to die, Bart.
Bart: We’re all going to die, Lis.
Lisa: I meant soon.
Bart: So did I.

Bart: Alright, that’s it. I’ve been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heartbeat from those Krusty Brand vitamins. My Krusty Kalculator didn’t have a seven or an eight. And Krusty’s autobiography was self-serving, with many glaring omissions. But this time, he’s gone too far!

With the church doors frozen shut, Lisa starts praying.
Bart: Lisa, this is neither the time nor the place.

Bart: I’d say that the pressure’s finally gotten to dad, but, what pressure?

Bart: I thought dabbling in the Black Arts would be good for a chuckle. How wrong I was.

Laura (Sara Gilbert): Well Bart, you were right about him.
Bart: As usual, a knife-wielding maniac has shown us the way.

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, have you ever read The Boy Who Cried Wolf?
Bart: I’m halfway through it, I swear!

Bart: Oh! My ovaries!

Bart: Can’t sleep, clown will eat me. Can’t sleep, clown will eat me.

Marge: But Main Street’s still all cracked and broken.
Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken.

Bart: Some day I want to be an F-14 military pilot like my hero Tom. Who lent me this new weapon called a neural disruptor.
Mrs. Krabappel: He’s not dead, is he, Bart?
Bart: Nah. But I wouldn’t give him any homework for awhile.
Mrs. Krabappel: Very good. Thank you, Bart.
Bart: Oh don’t thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight year military build-up.

Bart: I’ll go disguised as you.
Lisa: What if he wants to hold hands?
Bart: I’m prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he wants a kiss?
Bart: I’m prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he—
Bart: You don’t want to know how far I’ll go.

Lisa: Bart are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Bart: Probably not.

Bart: Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll bust you out of there just as soon as I get a cocktail dress and a crowbar.

Season 5

Devil Flanders: Hey Bart.
Bart: Hey.

Bart: Woah! That’s good Squishee.

Bart: I know, I’ll just do like Lisa and escape into fantasy. {it doesn’t work} Damn TV, you’ve ruined my imagination! Just like you’ve ruined my ability to, ah…

Homer: You’re our last hope, boy.
Bart: I really don’t want to be here, Dad! Besides, I started a fire this morning that I really should keep an eye on.

Season 6

Marge: Bart, are all these children friends of yours?
Bart: Friends and well-wishers, yes.

Flanders: I wish there was some other explanation for this, but there isn’t. I’m a murderer. I’m a murderer!
Bart: Then that’s not the real Ned Flanders.
Flanders: I’m a murder-diddly-urdler!
Bart: If that’s not Flanders, he’s done his homework.

Bart: He’s gonna kill Rod and Todd, too. That’s horrible! {pause} In principle.

Mrs. Lovejoy: I didn’t know rocket sled was an Olympic event.
Bart: Well no offense, lady, but what you don’t know could fill a warehouse.

Bart: Jessica, I don’t think we should hang out anymore. You’re turning me into a criminal when all I want to be is a petty thug.

Skinner: Because you have impeded science you must now aid science. Yes. Starting tomorrow you will assist me with my amateur astronomy. Taking down coordinates, carrying equipment and so forth. Four-thirty in the morning.
Bart: There’s a four-thirty in the morning now?

Bart: Hey guys, just so you don’t hear any wild rumors, I’m being indicted for fraud in Australia.
Homer: Pfft. That’s no reason to block the TV.

Homer: Oh boy, this is the life. Boy, next summer can you commit some sort of fraud in Orlando, Florida?
Bart: I’m way ahead of you, Dad.

Bart: Oh please. This is senseless destruction with none of my usual social commentary.

Marge: This is a Springfield Isotopes hat. When you wear it, you’re wearing Springfield. When you eat a fish from our river, you’re eating Springfield. When you make lemonade from our trees, you’re drinking Springfield!
Bart: Mom, when you give that lecture, you’re boring Springfield.

Season 7

Bart: Come on, Milhouse. There’s no such thing as a soul. It’s just something they made up to scare kids. Like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.

Lisa: Pablo Neruda said, “Laughter is the language of the soul.”
Bart: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

Bart: singing You don’t win friends with salad! You don’t win friends with salad!

Bart: Wait a minute, if you’re here then you’ve fallen asleep too!
Lisa: I’m not asleep. I’m just resting my eye— Uh oh.
Bart: Goodbye, Bart!
Lisa: Goodbye, Lis. I hope you get reincarnated as someone who can stay awake for fifteen minutes.

Marge: Bart, what happened?
Bart: Well we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself. But Dad seemed cautiously optimistic.
Homer: Crap!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lisa: Hey, I thought Krusty was Jewish.
Bart: Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.

Bart: Grampa! I don’t mind when you spit at home, but I have to work with these people.

Bart: Hey Mr. Burns, can I go with you to get the treasure? I won’t eat much and I don’t know the difference between right and wrong.

Season 8

Teacher: So, you never learned cursive?
Bart: Well I know hell and damn and bi—
Teacher: Cursive handwriting. Script. Do you know multiplication tables? Long division?
Bart: I know of them.

Belle: When you work the door, the main things are to greet the visitors and toss out the troublemakers.
Bart: Ah! The old Greet ‘n’ Toss. No problemo.

Rod Flanders: I don’t like this clown.
Bart: I wouldn’t take that down if I were you. It’s a load-bearing poster.

Bart: No refunds! Force majeure! Read the back of your ticket!

Reverend Lovejoy: Friday you will have the chance to party down in the church basement to the decent rock stylings of Testament.
Bart: Pfft! All the best bands are affiliated with Satan.

Frank Grimes: If you lived in any other country in the world you would have starved to death long ago.
Bart: He’s got you there, Dad.

Season 9

Lisa: Well I know you don’t want to disappoint Dad, but how do you feel about lying to him?
Bart: Good.

Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilon: Surely you children are aware of your Brahman heritage.
Bart: As long as you have absolutely no follow-up questions, yes. Yes, we are.
Lisa: Fully.

Bart: Wow! I wish I had an elephant.
Lisa: You did. His name was Stampy. You loved him.
Bart: Oh yeah.

Bart: Why are we getting dressed up, Mom? Are we going to Black Angus?
Marge: Well, you might say we’re going to the best steak house in the universe.
Bart: So we’re not going to Black Angus.

After Homer turns on the Christmas lights.
Bart: It’s craptacular.

Skinner: Okay, Libya: exports.
Bart: Yes sir, you American pig!
Skinner: Nice touch.

Bart: Excuse me, I’m looking for someone named Jay Leno.
Jay Leno: Somebody wanna get this kid a TV?
Bart: Woah. Gee, thanks Mister.

Bart: I pick my dad.
Nelson: Him?
Bart: You’d be surprised. He gets pretty competitive when he’s been drinking.

Season 10

Bart: I think I read somewhere that cows like being killed.

Bart: I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.

Bart: Well, I’m flunking math and the other day I was a little attracted to Milhouse.

Season 11

Homer: Hey! I had Lenny’s name on that.
Bart: They have it now.
Lisa: Who are “they” exactly?
Bart: Who else? Major League Baseball.

Lisa: We’ve gotta go to the police!
Bart: They’ll never believe a Simpson killed a Flanders by accident. Even I have my doubts.

Lisa: Bart just let me drop and save yourself!
Bart: What do you think I’ve ben trying to do!

Lisa: You people took advantage of trusting school children!
Jim Hope (Tim Robbins): How did you get past Gary Coleman?
Bart: Let’s just say he’s a few prawns short of a galaxy.

Bart: How’d you really get the bucket off my dad’s head?
Brother Faith: Well I didn’t son. You did. God gave you the power.
Bart: Really? Hm. I would think he would want to limit my power.

Rev. Lovejoy: I suggested missionary work and he jumped at the idea.
Marge: Missionary work?
Bart: He’s dead, isn’t he?

So. You like to sneak into casinos.
Bart: I wasn’t going to gamble. I just wanted a Bloody Mary.

Bart: Way to make a guitar, Sears.

Bart: What happened to you, China? You used to be cool.
Chinese Ambassador: Hey, China still cool!

Season 12

Homer: Nice wiring, Bart.
Bart: It worked on the test corpse.

Season 13

Bart: Prank be undone! Destroy the evil one! {it zaps him} Not me!

Lisa: What’re you doing?
Bart: Diggin’.
Lisa: Why?
Bart: Make a hole.
Lisa: A hole for what?
Bart: More diggin’.
Lisa: Okay then.

Bart: Cool! Mom’s on drugs. If we turn her in we can get a form letter from Dick Cheney.

Bart: Lis, women are easy. State capitols are hard.

Homer: Homer, what are you going to do?
Bart: Crazy scheme, crazy scheme, scheme.
Homer: Get me tools and beer.
Bart: Yes!

Season 14

Bart: Mutt and Jeff comics are not funny. They’re gay! I get it!

Krusty: I can even tell the FCC to take a hike. Look at this list of words they won’t let me say on the air.
Bart: Aw. All the goods ones. I’ve never heard of number nine.
Krusty: It’s doing thirteen while she’s elevening your five.
Bart: Can I keep this?
Krusty: Sure. No twelve off my ass.

Bart: All that’s left for me is to become the biggest drunk this town’s ever seen.
Homer: Talkin’ won’t get you there.

Milhouse: You’re gonna depreciate a mafia don’s car?
Bart: Hey, we’re all gonna be murdered some day.

Milhouse: Do you think bugs feel pain?
Bart: If they don’t, I’ve wasted a lot of my life.

Bart: These losers are out of peanut butter.
Milhouse: I know how to make some. Peanuts… butter…. Now we just put the top on.
Bart: Hey, I didn’t get where I am putting tops on things.

Season 15

Bart: Please don’t take me! Take Milhouse. We all know there’s no happy ending there.
Death: Your time is up.
Homer killing Death: This is for Snowball I and JFK!

Bart: Dad. You blew it. You listened to Lisa and then you lost your stranglehold on the audience.
Homer: I’ll audience you!

Lisa: If Dad ever reads that book he’s gonna be so humiliated!
Bart: He’ll never read it.
Lisa: What if they make it into a movie?
Bart: He’ll never see it.
Lisa: What if they parody it on “MadTV”?
Bart: We’re doomed!

Ralph Wiggum: Eighteen, nineteen, twenty… I found you!
Bart: Ralph, we’re playing checkers.
Ralph Wiggum: I don’t like you, Boy Mommy.

Lisa: There’s spiders in your hair!
Bart: That’s what you call commitment to a bit.

Bart: Ah cartoons. America’s only native art form. I don’t count jazz ’cause it sucks.

Marge: Bart, stop fooling with the remote!
Bart: Lisa made me with a witches spell.
Lisa: It’s called Wicca and it’s empowering.
Bart: Wicca’s a Hollywood fad.
Lisa: That’s Kaballah, jerk!

Bart: What do those women expect? When you sign a contract with FOX you know you’re going to be betrayed and humiliated.

Season 16

Bart: The Tooth Fairy’s made a donation in my name to the United Way. That gossamer witch!

Bart: Listen, Lis, I gotta tell you something. I’m going to Yale.
Lisa: What?! I don’t want to go to the same college as you.
Bart: Then I got some great news! You’re not going to Yale.

Bart: I’ve learned that even made-up corporate shills can lie to you.

Marge: What language is this? Gibby Gabby?
Lisa: It’s Albanian. But the producers added subtitles to make it “commercial”.
Bart: Mom! I don’t wanna read. It’s the weekend! {he pulls his shirt over his head}

Bart: I know what we can ask Jeeves. Why does he suck.

Sister: In the old days, we’d use a ruler to deal with incorrigibles like you.
Bart: Thanks for the history lesson, Sister.
Sister: These days, we use a yard stick!
Bart: I’ll show you! I’ll move thirty-three inches away.
Sister: A yard’s thirty-six!
Bart: Oh. Now you tell me.

Bart: Stupid Catholic school. Suffering for my hip attitude. I’m the real Jesus here.
Father Sean (Liam Neeson): So it’s sacrilege you’re spouting now.
Bart: What’s it to ya, Irish?

Season 17

Lisa: If you don’t tell Mom what you did, I will.
Bart: Oh come on. Wouldn’t it be easier if our parents divorced and you compensated by marrying much older men. Meanwhile I’ll be one of those weird guys who’s thirty-five and shows up at high school basketball games.

Robot: Tell me, young man, what is it like to have feelings?
Bart: I said I’m human, not a girl.

Pilot: Welcome to Atlanta. Please keep your seatbelt fastened until we have come to a complete stop.
Bart: Nobody tells Bart Simpson what to do! {unfastens seat belt}
Pilot: Thanks a lot, 38C. Now we all have to go back to Minneapolis. And I’m very tired.

Bart: No one with a choice should ever have to be a girl. I’ll teach you how to be a boy.
Lisa: You would do that for me? That is so sweet.
Bart: You’re a boy. Nothing is sweet. {kicks Lisa in the leg}.
Lisa: Ow! That hurt.
Bart: Sweet.

Season 18

Bart: Can’t you read my writing? I didn’t say “kick Homer’s walls.”

Bart: Woah. Even the Army has Humvees now.

Bart about Nelson’s party: Mom, I can’t go. No one else is.
Marge: Well if no one else jumped off the Empire State building, would you not jump?
Bart: Kind of?

Darcy (Natalie Portman): Wow. You really are ten. I thought you were just kinda stupid.
Bart: I’m ten and stupid.

Bart: Do you think I’m telling people not to have a cow because deep down I want them to have a cow?

Marge: Bart, this is all we can afford for now. If it doesn’t work maybe when you’re an adult you can pay some lady to make you happy for an hour.
Bart: You know, I think I will.

Marge: What are you kids doing up so late?
Lisa: It’s seven am.
Marge: I was on the computer all night!
Bart: Actually, it’s Saturday.
Marge: I played a day and a night!
Lisa: Bart, it’s not Saturday.
Bart: Sh!

Season 19

Kirk: Attention everyone. Luann and I have some big news.
Bart: Is it that you’re brother and sister? Because you really look a lot alike.

Lisa: And Ralph is only eight years old. It says in the Constitution you have to be 35.
Bart: The Constitution? I’m pretty sure the Patriot Act killed it to ensure our freedoms.

Bart: Whatcha doin’, mom? Going crazy?

Bart: Hey, I didn’t know this park was here.
Lisa: You wrote a report on it last week.
Bart: The internet wrote it. I just handed it in.

Bart: Mom, they’re going to kill Lou and make him into food and fringe vests for gay cowboys!

Bart: “Anguished Animals III”? That wasn’t my conscience mooing! That was… Tress MacNeille!

Homer: What could be greater than eating and drinking for hours in a drizzling parking lot.
Lisa: Anything.
Bart: No, everything is better.

Season 20

Bart: Stupid angry mob, chasing me because I shine a harsh light on modern society. Now I know how Dane Cook feels.

Marge: How about a family outing?
Bart: A family outing? I’ll start. Lisa’s gay!

Season 21

Lisa: This Andy sounds like kind of a loser.
Bart: How could someone so much like me be a loser?

Bart: No no no. You’re too young to be a witch. Savor the steps leading up to it. College anorexic, string of bad marriages, career disappointments, failed pottery shop. And then when you’re old and alone you can hit the witch thing hard.

Marge: Look how the snow glistens on the tiniest branches!
Bart: Yeah yeah. Miracles are all around us.

Lisa: Bart, I’m losing my grip.
Bart: Put the rope in your teeth.
Lisa: What will that do?
Bart: It’ll shut you up.

Willie: Well done, boy!
Bart: Wait. Here comes the mykia.
Willie: What’s a mykia? {the stump falls on Skinner’s car}
Skinner: My Kia!

Marge: Then again, there’s only one way to get an accurate reading. Bart. Pants!
Lisa: Just close your eyes and think of Milhouse.
Marge: Yep. One-oh-three on the dot. You’re staying home.
Lisa: How did you— ?
Bart: I don’t want to talk about it.

Lisa: Congratulations. You’re officially a sociopath.
Bart: Hey, at least I’m on a path.

Bart: I hate being stuck at home.
Marge: Play with Lisa!
Bart: Mom you don’t play with Lisa. You play despite her.

Marge: Bart Simpson, are you a druggo?
Bart: What? No! Not until you raise my allowance.

Season 22

Lisa: Hot streaks are a statistical illusion!
Bart: I wish you were a statistical illusion.
Lisa: Well there’s a ninety-seven percent chance that I’m not, so do what I say.

Bart: …And absolutely no Brazilian hardwood.
Fifth Grader: Is this a rumble or a Harvest dance?
Bart: Okay, you want hardwood?
Fifth Grader: No no!
Bart: Then let’s do this thing.

Marge: Maybe we could get back together.
Bart: Awesome! I’ll get the white wine.
Marge: You can’t buy white wine.
Bart: Why not? Are you having red meat?

Bart: What am I doing here, Seymour? The thing I’m planning hasn’t even gone off yet. {Willie falls into a pit}. That wasn’t me and you’re my alibi.

Bart: I think I just met the thing I’m gonna die on.

Homer: When you get anything you want, you don’t want anything you get.
Bart: What is this crap? Are you wearing a wire?

Bart: How now mad spirits! / Before we part
’Tis I! Mischievous and puckish Bart
Twas not I the players did disturb
Twas the doings of a green naughty herb
The gods have righted every wrong
Cheech the Stoner has his Chong
And Homer, he is back with Mom
You can watch us tomorrow at hulu.com

Homer: Come on, party pooper. Bust a move!
Bart: Meh. This song’s a little bossy for me.

Bart: Maybe this key will be the key to putting the “key” in anarchy.

Lisa: So the answer to our mystery lies on the other side of that ice bridge.
Bart: It’s summertime. The ice bridge will be a water nothing.

Season 23

Marge: I take your sugary sweets and I give you healthy items. Plain brown toothbrushes, unflavored dental floss, and fun-sized mouthwashes. TSA-approved.
Bart: This is exactly why kids need a union.

Lisa: Isn’t that awfully similar to the cootie patch you did last year?
Bart: That was preventitive. This is morning after.

Bart: Whatever the job is, I’m not interested.
Homer: A million bucks has changed stupider minds than yours.
Bart: I like the beat. Play me the tune.
Homer: We’re taking down kids who read.
Bart: Chapter book crowd. That’s a juicy peach. But what’s the cream?
Homer: I’m putting together a tween lit gang write.
Bart: Tween lit gang write?
Homer: Tween lit gang write. But this Babar needs a Zephyr.
Bart: A Zephyr?
Homer: You’re the Zephyr.
Bart: This better not turn out like Kansas City.
Homer: It won’t be like Kansas City.

Exec: Good evening, gentlemen.
Bart: Kansas City.
Homer: Kansas City.

Marge: So what was everyone’s favorite thing at the museum?
Lisa: I liked the knowledgeable docents.
Bart: I liked the early closing time.