The Simpsons

Homer Simpson

1989.12.17    

Dan Castellaneta

Season 1

Homer: Oo, look! Pantyhose. Practical and alluring.

Marge: Bart, this is a big day for you. Why don’t you eat something a little more nutritious.
Homer: Nonsense, Marge. Frosty Krusty Flakes are what got him where he is today. It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart.

Homer: Come on, Bart. Your mother’s only trying to help. So go ahead and enjoy the show.
Marge: Homer, you’re going too.
Homer: But I’m not a genius. Why should I suffer?

Lisa: Here’s a good job at the fireworks factory.
Homer: Those perfectionists? Forget it.

After lugging a huge boulder to the bridge, only to find one sitting there.
Homer: Well. Live and learn.

Homer: A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

Co-worker: What’ll I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I’m going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love. And I won’t be back for ten minutes!

Season 2

Homer: Okay. I’m not going to kill you, but I’m going to tell you three things that will haunt you the rest of your days. You ruined your father. You crippled your family. And baldness is hereditary!

Isotopes Owner: Why don’t you talk it over with your family.
Homer: Because they might say no.

Marge: Homer, this is a terrible thing that’s happened but we can’t blame ourselves.
Homer: We can and will.

Homer: You heard me. I won’t be in for the rest of the week. […] I told you! My baby beat me up. […] No, it’s not the worst excuse I ever thought up.

Homer: English? Who needs that? I’m never going to England.

Mt Sinai : 1220 B.C.

Lisa: Dad, I think that’s pretty spurious.
Homer: Well thank you honey!

Homer: Hey! Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.

Season 3

Homer: Marge, I can’t wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I’m not popular enough to be different.

Michael Jackson: Hi, I’m Michael Jackson from the Jacksons.
Homer: I’m Homer Simpson from the Simpsons.

Homer’s Brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer’s Brain: Okay, don’t use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!

Marge: We can’t afford to buy a pony.
Homer: Marge, with today’s gasoline prices we can’t afford not to buy a pony.

Homer: Lisa, your father needs your help. Do you know anything about Germany?
Lisa: Well, its a country in Europe.
Homer: Good, good, I’m learning.

Homer: So… do you think the Redskins will beat the spread?
Lisa: Put me down. Look, Dad. I’ll tell you who’s going to win the Superbowl if you want me to, but it’ll just validate my theory that you cared more about winning money than you did about me.
Homer: Okay.
Lisa: I pick Washington as a mortal lock.
Homer: Washington! Woo hoo!
Lisa: However.
Homer: However? What do you mean, “however”? “However” what?
Lisa: However. I may also be so clouded with rage that subconsciously I want you to lose. In which case, I bet the farm on Buffalo.
Homer: Lisa, do me a favor. Complete this sentence: “Daddy should bet all his money on—”
Lisa: I don’t know. If I still love you, Washington. If I don’t, Buffalo.

Moe: What are you so happy about, Homer? You didn’t win any money.
Homer: Money comes and money goes, but what I have in my daughter can go on for eight more years.

Marge: I think he needs a dog house.
Homer: Yeah, but what’re you going to do.
Marge: We could buy a nice dog house for fifty dollars.
Homer: Marge, you’re a tool of the dog house makers.

Homer: Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. {writing} “Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpville. Population: You.”
Marge: We’ll all help.

Homer: Three simple words: “I am gay.”
Marge: Homer, for the last time. I’m not putting that in.

Lisa: “And anytime I hear the wind blow it will whisper the name Edna.”
Marge: Oo! That’s very good, Lisa.
Homer: “P.S. I am gay.”

Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Marge: I don’t know if that tape is working. You ate three desserts tonight.
Homer: Forbearance is the watchword. That triumvirate of Twinkies merely overwhelmed my resolve.
Marge: Another thing I’ve been wanting to talk to you about…

Season 4

Marge: Homer, are you actually giving up your faith?
Homer: No! No no no no! Well, yes.

Homer: The doll’s trying to kill me and the toaster’s been laughing at me!

Bart: Dad! You killed the zombie Flanders.
Homer: He was a zombie?

Marge: I saved this newspaper from the day Lisa was born.
Lisa: “Mondale to Hart: Where’s the beef?”
Bart: “Where’s the beef?” What the hell’s that supposed to mean?
Homer: Heh heh heh. “Where’s the beef.” No wonder he won Minnesota.

Homer: Simpson! Homer Simpson! He’s the greatest guy in history. From the, Town of Springfield! He’s about to hit a chestnut tree! {hits tree}

Homer: Heh heh heh. Oh Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk.

Homer: Hey boy, where are you going?
Bart: Father son picnic.
Homer: Have a good time. {pause} Wait a minute.

Homer: I’ve heard ’em all. “I like you as a friend.” “I think we should see other people.” “I no speak English…”
Lisa: I get the idea.
Homer: “I’m married to the sea.” “I don’t want to kill you, but I will.”

Homer: And if that doesn’t work, six simple words: “I’m not gay. But I’ll learn.”

Homer: Where’s my burrito! Where’s my burrito!

Homer: Sorry, Mr. Burns. But I don’t go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure I’m flattered, maybe even a little curious. But the answer is no!

Homer: You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine!

Lisa: Like Halloween and Christmas, April Fools Day traces its origins to pagan ritual.
Homer: God bless those pagans.

Marge: What’s this? An invitation to our high school reunion. Gee, that’s odd. They didn’t send one to you.
Homer’s Brain: This is it, Homer. It’s time to tell her the terrible secret from your past.
Homer: Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.
Marge: Oh my god!
Homer’s Brain: No, the other secret.
Homer: Marge, I never graduated from high school.
Marge: Well that still doesn’t explain why you ate my soap. Wait. Maybe it does.

Season 5

Bart: What’d you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus?
Homer: All the time. It was the title of our second album.

Lisa: Dad, you shouldn’t wear glasses that weren’t prescribed for you!
Homer: Lisa, just because you’re ten feet tall doesn’t mean you can tell me what to do.
Bart: I’m Bart.

Homer: Remember when I let that escaped lunatic in the house because he was dressed like Santa Claus? Well you have a gambling problem!
Marge: Homer, when you forgive someone you can’t throw it back at them like that.
Homer: Aw, what a gyp.

Homer: You’ll have to speak up. I’m wearing a towel.

Homer: Ah, Oliver North. He was just poured into that uniform.

Homer: Apu, if it makes you feel any better, I’ve learned that life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

Marge: Lisa, ordinarily I’d say you should stand up for what you believe, but you’ve been doing that an awful lot lately.
Bart: Yeah. You made us march in that gay rights parade.
Homer: And we can’t watch FOX because they own those chemical weapon plants in Syria.

Marge: Homer, it looks like it could gore.
Homer: Heh heh. It does look like Al Gore.

Marge: I really think this is a bad idea.
Homer: Marge, I agree with you. In theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.

Lisa: Dad! You’re sinking!
Marge: Get a rope, Bart.
Homer: Nah, that’s okay. I’m pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I’ll just reach in and pull my legs out. {his arms and legs are now stuck} Now I’ll pull my arms out with my face.

Mr. Burns: I suggest you get off my lawn.
Homer: Or what? You’ll release the dogs. Or the bees. Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you? Well go ahead! Do your worst.

Marge: Homer, you didn’t do a very good job frosting Maggie’s birthday cake!
Homer: What? It’s not Maggaggie’s birthday?

Homer: Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain! Remember when I took that home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That’s because you were drunk!
Homer: And how.

Marge: Homer, I really don’t like you telling personal secrets in your class.
Homer: Marge, I didn’t tell them personal stuff.
Marge: Today at the Kwik-E-Mart everybody knew I dyed my hair.
Homer: Oh. You mean about you.

Season 6

Homer: I’m taking a shortcut.
Marge: Homer, no. You’re gonna get lost.
Homer: Trust me, Marge! With today’s modern cars you can’t get lost. What with all the silicon chips and such. {after the shortcut} Alright, we’re here. Let us never speak of the shortcut again.

Homer: But Marge, I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a diagram?!

Homer: So what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of “No TV and no beer make Homer… something something.”
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer: Don’t mind if I do!

Homer: Television! Teacher. Mother. Secret lover.

Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart’s activities but then I’d be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah. And then we’d get the chair.
Marge: That’s not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge. Admit it.

News Presenter: Simpson Scandal update: Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent which he believes gives him sexual powers.
Homer: Hey! That’s a half-truth.

Homer: Why don’t those stupid idiots let me in their stupid club for jerks?

Marge: You know, you are a member of a very exclusive club.
Homer: Black Panthers?
Marge: No!

Al: Show up tomorrow, bring three rags. Oh and, ah, change your pants.
Homer: Why?
Al: When it happens, you’ll know.

Homer: Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown. I’m leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business.

Marge: I’m not saying it won’t work, I’m just saying it’s dishonest.
Homer: Well if we agree then why are we arguing?!

Homer: Burkina Faso? Disputed Zone? Who called all these weird places?
Homer’s Brain: Quiet. It might be you! I can’t remember.
Homer: No, I’m going to ask Marge.
Homer’s Brain: No, no! Why embarrass us both? Just write a check and I’ll release some more endorphins.

Bart: Hey guys, just so you don’t hear any wild rumors, I’m being indicted for fraud in Australia.
Homer: Pfft. That’s no reason to block the TV.

Lisa: Oh my god! I’m losing my perspicacity.
Homer: Well it’s always in the last place you look.

Marge: I’m worried about the kids, Homie. Lisa’s becoming very obsessive. This morning I caught her trying to dissect her own rain coat.
Homer: I know. And this perpetual motion machine she made today is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster.

Homer: In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Season 7

Homer: Okay, I’m never going to win Father of the Year. In fact, I’m probably the last guy in the world who should have kids… wait, can I start again? Fathering children is the best part of my day. I’d do anything for Bart and Lisa.
Judge: And Margaret?
Homer: Who? Lady, you got the wrong file.
Marge: It’s Maggie.
Homer: Oh! Maggie. I’ve got nothing against Maggie.

Homer: “Do not touch Willie”. Good advice.

Marge: Homer, where are you?
Homer: Uh, I’m somewhere where I don’t know where I am.
Marge: Do you see towels? If you see towels you’re probably in the linen closet again.

Homer: Mmmm… unprocessed fish sticks.

Homer: Oh my god. This is the worst place yet. {walking along} Oo! Erotic cakes.

Dr. Hibbert: My god, that’s monstrous! I’ve never heard of anything so negligent. I’ll have no part of it.
Homer: Can you recommend a doctor that will?
Dr. Hibbert: Yes.

Homer: Hee hee hee. I pity those poor suckers on the freeway. Gas break honk. Gas break honk. Honk honk punch. Gas gas gas.

Homer: All this computer hacking is making me thirsty.

Homer: Shame on all of you! Give me my dignity. I just came here to see Honk If You’re Horny in peace.
Theater Manager: Sir. Just quiet down. I’d be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn.

Homer: I guess some people never change. Or, they quickly change and then quickly change back.

Marge: Can we get rid of this Ayatollah t-shirt? Khomeni died years ago.
Homer: But Marge, it works on any Ayatollah! Ayatollah Nakhbadeh, Ayatollah Zahedi… Even as we speak, Ayatollah Razmara and his cadre of fanatics are consolidating their power!

Homer: You suck-diddly-uck, Flanders!

Lisa: Miss Hoover didn’t believe me. She called me a PC thug!
Homer: Well I’ve been called a greasy thug too. And it never stops hurting.

Homer: Here are your messages: “You have thirty minutes to move your car.” “You have ten minutes.” “Your car has been impounded.” “Your car has been crushed into a cube.” “You have thirty minutes to move your cube.”

Lisa: Dad, what’s a muppet?
Homer: Well, it’s not quite a mop, and it’s not quite a puppet, but man… {laughs, then pauses}. So, to answer you question, I don’t know.
Bart: Why did they make that one muppet out of leather?
Marge: That’s not a puppet, that’s Troy McClure.

Homer: Sleeping bags on the floor, a roaring fire. It’ll be just like the time they kicked me out of the sporting goods store.

Homer: I’m sick of these constant bear attacks. It’s like a freakin’ Country Bear Jamboroo around here.

Corgan: Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.

Homer trying to casually buy illegal fireworks: Let me have one of those porno magazines… large box of condoms, bottle of Old Harper… a couple of those panty shields, and some illegal fireworks, and one of those disposable enemas… Nah, make it two.
Later…
Marge seeing Homer’s purchases: Gee. I don’t know what you’ve got planned for tonight, Homer, but count me out. Didn’t you buy any meat?
Homer: Heh heh. This baby’s sure to kill something.

Season 8

Marge: You know how I feel about hoaxes.
Homer: Still?!

TV: It’s eleven o’clock. Do you know where your children are?
Homer: I told you last night, No! Where is Bart anyway? His dinner’s getting all cold and eaten.

Homer: I’d like to file for… {dramatic pause} Divorce.
Lady: These things happen. Eight dollars.

Homer: This is Homer Simpson, aka Happy Dude. The court is making me call everybody back and apologize for my telemarketing scam. I’m sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, send one dollar to Sorry Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power.

Homer: What is it, boy? Fire? Earthquake? Hippies?

Homer: Note to self: Stop. Doing. Anything.

Homer: I hope I didn’t brain my damage.

Homer: In your face, space coyote!

Mulder: Mr. Simpson, we want you to recreate your every move the night you saw the alien.
Homer: The evening began at the gentleman’s club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it’s a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney’s car eating packets of mustard. Happy?

Scully: Homer, we’re going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. lie detector blows up.

Homer: You mean the mob only did me a favor to get something in return? Oh, Fat Tony. I will say Good day to you sir!

Homer: Cram it with walnuts, ugly!

Homer: That John is the greatest guy in the world. We’ve gotta have him and his wife over for drinks sometime.
Marge: Mmm, I don’t think he’s married, Homer.
Homer: Oh, a swinging bachelor, eh? Well, there’s lots of foxy ladies out there.
Marge: Homer, didn’t John seem a little… festive to you?
Homer: Couldn’t agree more. Happy as a clam!
Marge: He prefers the company of men!
Homer: Who doesn’t!
Marge: Homer, listen carefully. John is a ho… mo…
Homer: Right.
Marge: …sexual.
Homer: Augh!

Marge: You feel softer than before.
Homer: I’ve been tenderized.

Homer: To alcohol! The cause of—and solution to—all of life’s problems.

Lisa: Hey, it was all a coincidence.
Bart: Yep. There’s your answer, Fish Bulb.
Homer: Well it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on kids, let’s go home.
Bart: We are home.
Homer: That was fast.

Season 9

Marge: Marge, name one successful person who ever lived without air conditioning.
Homer: Balzac.
Marge: No need for potty mouth just because you can’t think of one.

Ex-con Salesman: But surely you can’t put a price on your family’s lives?
Homer: I wouldn’t have thought so either, but here we are.

The law requires a five-day waiting period. We’ve got to run a background check.
Homer: Five days! But I’m mad now! I’d kill you if I had my gun.
Yeah well, you don’t.

Homer: But I have to have a gun! It’s in the Constitution.
Lisa: Dad! The second amendment is just a remnant from Revolutionary Day. It has no meaning today.
Homer: You couldn’t be more wrong, Lisa. If I didn’t have this gun, the King of England could just walk in here any time he wants and start shoving you around. You want that? Huh! Do you?!
Lisa: No.

Marge: You know, Homer, it’s very easy to criticize.
Homer: Fun too.

Homer: I’m feeling kinda low, Apu. Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it. You know, Skittlebrau.
Apu: Such a product does not exist, sir. I think you may have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh. Then just gimme a six pack and a bag of Skittles.

Marge: I don’t know. There’s something very peculiar about this.
Homer: Geesh! You’re the most paranoid family I’ve ever been affiliated with.

Homer: The experts say that if you want an animal to do something you should do it yourself first to show them how.
Marge: I’m not going to the bathroom in the backyard.
Homer: Pfft. Sorry, Your Majesty.

Homer: Homer no function beer well without.

The Leader knows how miserable you, Marge, Lisa, Bart and Maggie are.
Homer: Really? I’m surprised about Maggie.

Homer: Wow, they have the internet on computers now.

Praying heavenward
Homer: I’m not normally a praying man. But if you’re up there, please, save me, Superman!

Homer: Lisa, can you open the window? The cops have daddy’s prints on file.

Season 10

Homer: Marge, if you don’t mind I’m a little busy now achieving financial independence.
Marge: Through cans of grease?
Homer: No. Through savings and wise investment. Of course with grease!

Marge: What do you think he’s doing up there?
Homer: I dunno, drug lab?
Marge: Drug lab!
Homer: Or reading comic books. What am I, Kreskin?

Man: Uh, sir, you can’t operate a boat under the influence of alcohol.
Homer: That sounds like a wager to me!

Maude Flanders: My eyes have been soiled!
Homer: Come on, Maude. The human wang is a beautiful thing.

Ned: How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says, “Think”?
Homer: You mean Lisa?

Ned: This is all your fault! You and your stupid program.
Homer: Blame me if you must, but don’t ever speak ill of the program! The program is rock solid. The program is sound.

Lisa: But it’s not fair. Adults always blame kids for everything.
Homer: Well if kids are so innocent why is every bad named after them? “Acting childish.” “Kidnapping.” “Child abuse.”
Bart: What about adultery?
Homer: Not until you’re older, son.

Marge: But I fell in love with Homer Simpson. I don’t want to snuggle with Max Power.
Homer: Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and feel the G’s.

Homer: I’d like to read the following statement, but I do so under {a gun cocks} my own free will. It has come to my attention that NBC sucks. I apologize for misleading you and urge you to watch as many FOX shows as possible. So in summary, NBC bad. FOX good. CBS great.

Mr. Burns: Simpson. I need your help. I want to be loved.
Homer: I see. Well, I’ll need some beer.

Marge: Come on, Homer, Japan will be fun. You like Rashomon.
Homer: That’s not how I remember it. Besides, if we want to see Japanese people we could have gone to the zoo!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi. He’s in my book club!

Season 11

Marge: Good Lord! He’s gotten into the pep closet.
Homer: I’d say he’s coming out of the pep closet.

Homer: Stupid sexy Flanders!

Brother Faith: Brother, I sense you are feeling trapped and desperate.
Homer: Yeah! And I got a bucket on my head.

Bart: You’re watching PBS?
Homer: Hey, I’m as surprised as you.

Homer: Save me, Jebus!

Homer: Florida? But that’s America’s wang.
Plant Psychiatrist: They prefer the Sunshine State.

Homer: Why did I take such punishment? Let’s just say fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.

Homer: I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute.

Season 12

Homer: Who cut out Beetle Bailey? I need my Miss Buxley fix.
Marge: I don’t like you ogling her! Why don’t you read Cathy? She’s hilarious.
Homer: Eh. Too much baggage.

Lisa: I’m all for ethnic diversity but this is just pandering.
Homer: Maybe so, but Dawson is gonna be bummed.

Homer: Ow! That bullet went in!

Marge: Maybe we should talk to a financial planner.
Homer: Financial panther, eh? {he imagines it} Heh heh heh. I’m on board.

Lisa: You can’t post that on the internet. You don’t even know if it’s true.
Homer: Nelson has never steered me wrong, honey. Nelson is gold.
Bart: You know, it might have been Jimbo.
Homer: Beautiful! We have confirmation.

Marge: This is terrible! How will the kids get home?
Homer: I dunno. Internet?

Voice: For automated stock prices, please state the company name.
Homer: Animotion.
Voice: Animotion. Up one and one half.
Homer: Yahoo!
Voice: Yahoo. Up six and a quarter.
Homer: Huh? What is this crap?!
Voice: FOX Broadcasting. Down eight.

Homer: I have a great way to solve our money woes. You rent your womb to a rich childless couple. If you agree, signify by getting indignant.
Marge: Are you crazy? I’m not going to be a surrogate mother.
Homer: C’mon, Marge. We’re a team. It’s uter-US, not uter-YOU.
Marge: Forget it!

Homer: I was working on a flat tax proposal and I accidentally proved there’s no god.

Homer: I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world. Change me back to the blissful boob I was.
Scientist: I’m sorry, we don’t play god here.
Homer: That’s ridiculous. You do nothing but play god. And I think your octo-parrot would agree.
Octo-Parrot: Awk! Polly shouldn’t be!

Lisa: Thank you, Dad!
Homer: Hey, any friend of Marge is a friend of mine.

Homer: Dancing away my hunger pangs, moving my feet so my stomach won’t hurt
I’m kinda like Jesus, but not in a sacrilegious way.

The kids are watching a commercial for Stabby-Oh’s featuring a beheaded mother
Lisa: That ad campaign may have crossed a line.
Homer: Eh, what can you do. Sex sells.

Marge: Homer! You’re still here? You should have left for work an hour ago.
Homer: They said if I come in late again I’m fired. I can’t take that chance.

Homer: That baby proofing crook wanted to sell us covers for the electrical outlets. But I’ll just draw bunny faces on them to scare Maggie away.
Marge: She’s not afraid of bunnies.
Homer: She will be.

Season 13

Moe: Look, I don’t want to start a pissing contest here. Or do I?
A little while later:
Homer: Woo hoo!
Carl: That was wind-assisted.

Marge: This is the worst thing you’ve ever done!
Homer: You say that so much it’s lost all meaning.

Record Book Guy: Everyone, welcome to the Duff Book of World Records. Springfield is the world’s fattest town.
Homer: Woo hoo! In your face, Milwaukee!

Homer: Wait. You went to a sugar factory? Were there Oompa Loompas?
Marge: There was one in a cage. But he wasn’t moving.

Kent Brockman: Good evening. Our top story: Springfield’s cake hole has been shut forever. Under what has been dubbed “Marge’s Law,” all forms of sugar are now illegal.
Homer: Thank you, Erin Choco-Snitch. That was a group effort.

Homer: Okay, Ziff, you get her for the weekend. But no funny stuff. And by funny stuff I mean hand holding, googoo eyes, misdirected woo—which is pretty much any John Woo film.

Homer: This job will be perfect. I’m going to leave this world the way I entered it. Dirty, screaming and ripped away from the woman I love.
Lenny: Quick and pointless. That’s the death for me!

Homer: Canada? Why should we leave America to visit America Junior!

Homer: Overdue book? This is the biggest frame-up since OJ! Wait a minute. Blood in the Bronco. The cuts on his hands. Those Jay Leno monologues. Oh my god, he did it!

Homer: Hm. Homer’s Odyssey. Is this about that minivan I rented once?

King of Troy: Now throughout history when people get wood they’ll think of Trojan.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Trojan.
Lisa: What are you lauging at, Dad?
Homer: If I’m laughing at what I think I am, it’s very funny.

Homer: Homer, what are you going to do?
Bart: Crazy scheme, crazy scheme, scheme.
Homer: Get me tools and beer.
Bart: Yes!

Bart about his Speedo: I feel so European.
Homer: Mine keeps disappearing. {He put on another one, which disappears} I hope they’re going someplace good.

Marge: Homer, I’m very uncomfortable having a gang of crows in our bedroom.
Homer: It’s a murder, honey. A group of crows is called a murder.
Marge: I’m sleeping on the couch.

Homer: But isn’t marijuana or “dope” illegal?
Dr. Hibbert: Only for those who enjoy it.

Bart: Dad, I though you didn’t like her saxophone.
Homer: I didn’t, but now Daddy’s special medicine—(raises voice menacingly) which you must never use because it will ruin your life—lets Daddy see and hear magical things you will never experience. EVER!

Marge: Now before we get there, you have to put this blindfold on.
Homer: All my other senses are getting sharper! Bart, you had pizza for lunch. Lisa, you’re extremely depressed.

Lisa: Who wants to put on a leotard and get screamed at.
Homer: Well, hookers and Spider-man.

Homer: Can’t you do anything? Surprise witnesses? Evidence tampering? Play the race card! {menacingly} Play it!

Homer is talking to Carmen Electra’s chest
Carmen Electra: Uh. Homer, my face is up here.
Homer: I’ve made my choice.

Season 14

Lisa: Dad, is there anything you’d like to tell us about this horde?
Homer: You’d think so. But no.

Dr. Hibbert: Now he may try to slobber on your crotch.
Homer: Eh. I’ve been around Scotsmen.

Homer: I’m so excited I couldn’t fall asleep. I even took some pills I found on the floor and still nothing.
Apu: You took some pills you found on the floor?
Homer: Uh huh. Now I’m afraid that if I stop talking I’ll die. Isn’t Mick cool? I thought he’d be all like, “I’m a rock star. Aren’t I great?” But he’s just like you or me, or Jesus over there.

Marge: Homey, are you as attracted to me as you were when we met?
Homer: Sure. Why not.

Homer: Wow. Someone’s tucked in to an insane degree.

Wiggum: Mr. Simpson, is it possible you’re leading a double or triple life that your wife doesn’t know about?
Homer: Triple? No. Definitely no.

Sideshow Bob: How can one ordinary man have so many enemies?
Homer: I’m a people person. Who drinks.

Lisa: Mom. Dad. My birthday’s coming up and Girltech Turbo Diaries are in stores now.
Homer: Lisa, nobody likes a shill.
Lisa: Just buy me the friggin’ toy.
Homer: Heh heh heh. I love that little shill.

Lisa: I don’t like McNuggets. I’m a vegetarian!
Homer: Still?!

Homer: Now, if you need to reach me, my email is chunkylover53 at AOL.
Dexter Colt: Chunky Lover 53…
Homer: It’s one word.
Dexter Colt: One word.
Homer: Chunkylover53.
Dexter Colt: AOL.
Homer: Dot com.

Homer: Bart will play Apu.
Lisa: I’m a magazine rack.
Homer: Look, I’m the first to admit it. I don’t write good parts for women.

Homer: Oh! Nobody loves oily Homer.

Homer: “Tip 1: Live each day like it was your last.” {cut to Homer sitting on a curb, crying}. I don’t wanna die! I’m so young!

Lisa: I’m impressed that you drew up blueprints, but these are for a go-cart track.
Homer: Did Frank Lloyd Wright have to deal with people like you?
Lisa: Actually, Frank Lloyd Wright endured a lot of harsh criticism
Homer: Look. I have no idea who Frank Lloyd Wright is.
Lisa: You said his name two seconds ago.
Homer: I was just putting words together.

Homer: Marge, prepare the emergency ham!

Homer: Prepare the celebration ham!
Marge: All we have are the earthquake ham and the condolence ham.
Homer: Marge, they’re just hams, okay?

Homer: I am Homer Tribal Chief. I am wearing tiny briefs. Braves teach values boys should know. Now extended drum solo.

Season 15

Caller: Sir, I’m honored to inform you that you’ve won the Nobel Prize.
Homer: The Nobel Prize? Finally! So it’s for what? My whole deal?

Homer: Check it out, ladies. The suit that makes me completely invulnerable to bear attacks.
Marge: Homer, there’s no rear on that thing.
Homer: I know. If I get scared I don’t wanna ruin the suit.

Homer: What kind of example would I be if I didn’t take revenge on things?
Lisa: Dad, you can’t take revenge on animals. That’s the whole point of Moby Dick.
Homer: Lisa, the point of Moby Dick is, “Be yourself.”

Homer: TV and Nightmares have joined forces to teach me a lesson. From now on I will stop being selfish and start being good. In fact, I’ll be the nicest man in town.
Marge: You’ve made that promise before.
Homer: Yeah, but this time I’m sober. -Ish.

Homer: You’re a hero, Homer J. You’re as crafty as a skunk. They’ll thank you in the morning for stealing Flanders’ junk. Homer J. You’re a double-bacon genius burger! And just a little drunk!

Homer: For more information, visit our website, www.aljazeera.com. We’re not affiliated, we’re just piggybacking on their message board.

Homer: Boy are you in trouble.
Bart: What are you talking about?
Homer: When a woman says nothing’s wrong, that means everything’s wrong. And when a woman says everything’s wrong, that means everything’s wrong. And when a woman says something’s not funny, you’d better not laugh your ass off.

Homer: That’s it! It’s one thing for a ghost to terrorize my children. But quite another for him to play my theremin!

Yes Guy: Sir! Other customers need to use that dressing room.
Homer: Dressing room? Uh oh.

Homer: Son, seeing sappy movies with a lady has certain payoffs.
Bart: Like what? They’ll do something with you that they hate?
Homer: Exactly.

Homer: As the Bible says, “Screw that!”

Homer: All I wanted was a second honeymoon. And now the floor is made of lava.

Homer: The only thing that can make bacon more delicious is seeing how it’s made.

Homer: I bet this is all a big surprise, huh? Mild-mannered Homer Simpson.
Lisa: You’re not mild-mannered. You’re often liquored-up and rude.
Homer: Honorable men can differ.

Season 16

Bart: Am I the only one here who’s in horrible pain?
Homer: You’re the only one who won’t shut up about it!

Homer: One of you ate cans, one of you ate health food. How you solved crimes I’ll never know.

Homer: Hey! Maybe the internet has the information I need. It certainly answered a lot of my questions about wang enhancement.

Homer: I can’t go to a gay bar! I’m too fat.

Homer: The internet wasn’t created for mockery. It was supposed to help researchers at different universities share data sets. It was!

Sports Newscaster: But first, professional sports continues its downward march into the gutter.
Homer: Heh heh heh. This is either about me or steroids.

Insurance Agent: Are you a smoker?
Homer: Yes I am.
Marge: You don’t smoke!
Homer: Sh. I want her to think I’m cool.

Flanders: Son we’re here to help with your… uh, which addiction are we going after here?
Homer: Overeating. And if there’s time we’ll get to my drinking. But there won’t be time.

Homer: I am not too fat. I’m alive, aren’t I?
Tab Spangler: Mr. Simpson, you’re suffering from P.S.I. {points to the PSI sign} Poor Self Esteem. That’s not I. Every sign is wrong!
Homer: Oh that’s terrible.
Tab Spangler: We got a long drive ahead. You wanna pull off at a motel? We’ll split a room.
Homer: Where will I sleep?
Tab Spangler: We can worry about that when we’re standing naked before the bed! My goodness! No wonder you eat. What are you eating now?
Homer: Cheeseburger.
Tab Spangler: You’re a catastrophe! Let me have half of it.
Homer: I don’t wanna.
Tab Spangler: I just want the cheese. I don’t want the meat. I do want the meat!
Homer: Here’s a corner.
Tab Spangler: Let me just bite it. Don’t rip it! Let me have the whole thing. You’ll get some later.
Homer: You’re a selfish jerk.
Tab Spangler: I’ve smelled it. It has to be eaten!
Homer: But it’s my burger.
Tab Spangler: I’m driving. I’ll kill us.
Homer: Fine. I’d rather die.

Homer: He’s about to learn the most important lesson in the music business: don’t trust people in the music business.

Homer: Stupid family. Won’t even come to my Rapture. I went to Lisa’s play! Which had serious pacing problems.

Homer: What are you guys laughing at? If you say Jimmy Fallon, I’ll know you’re lying.

Season 17

Homer: Alright. You can shoot your gay adult film at my house.
Fat Tony: I didn’t say anything about gay.
Homer: I thought you guys were the gay mafia.

Marge: Homer, don’t touch her. You’ve never had chicken pox.
Homer: I know and you did. And you’re great.
Marge: No, I’m just saying it’s very dangerous if you get it as an adult. It could leave you sterile. Down there.
Homer: You always gotta work blue, doncha Marge? You’re better than that.

Homer: Oh sure, it’s easy to point out my faults. It’s a little harder to shut up.

Homer: Marge, I wanted to save you from the cops but the cops followed me. Game over, man! Game, over!

Bart: Dad, if you take me to Vegas I’ll teach you how to cheat at blackjack.
Homer: Boy, you don’t need to cheat when you’ve got a system.
Bart: What’s your system?
Homer: I don’t tell your mother how much I’ve lost.

Marge: Homey, what’s that? On the back of your head?
Homer: It’s called headvertising. It creates brand awareness without relying on traditional media.
Marge: Well it creeps me out. Homer turns off the light Wow. It glows in the dark.
Homer confused: It’s not supposed to.

Homer: I’m stuck! And I have to pee. pause Now I’m just stuck.

Homer: Lisa, monkeys don’t have feelings. If they did then my experiments could be called cruel.

Homer: This isn’t India! Where’s the University of Notre Dame? The Indy 500? Wrigley Field? Dodger Dogs?
Traveler: You ignorant American. You have confused India with Indiana, Indiana with Illinois, and the Cubs with the Dodgers.

Season 18

Homer: Oh, no you don’t! If I can keep down Arby’s I can keep down you!

Marge: Homer! Our son joined the army!
Homer: Eh. Big deal. By the time Bart’s eighteen we’re gonna control the world. We’re China, right?

The Colonel (Kiefer Sutherland): Gentlemen, I’ll be frank. Never before has the Army accepted recruits with test scores as low as yours.
Homer: That’s an odd way to start handing out medals.

Homer: There once was a rapping tomato
That’s right, I said rapping tomato
He rapped all day, from April to May
And also, guess what, it was me.

Marge: Homer! Don’t drink and drive.
Homer: Fine. I’ll drive between sips.

Homer: Bart! Buddy! It’s your dad. I need a ride. I think I’m in Chinatown. Not our Chinatown.

Homer: But I thought bankruptcy was the cool law. The one that says, “Don’t worry about it. I got this.”

Lisa: You can’t give me a yellow card! You’re my father!
Homer: When I put on these shorts, I’m not your father. And judging by how tight they are, I’m never going to be anyone else’s either.

Bart: Jumpin’ Johnnycakes. Those dames are cheesed.
Homer: Son, I’ll never understand women if I live to be forty.
Bart: Big “if”.
Homer: You said it. Enjoy me while I last.

Homer: Did you know that everyday Mexican gays sneak into this country and unplug our brain dead ladies?

Season 19

Mr. Burns: And just so you know, she’ll do anything for you. Anything except sex! And I do mean “anything”.
Homer: Oh… I’m aroused. And confused.

Marge: Homer, you can not miss Lisa’s big day. And you have to come sober!
Homer: American sober or Irish sober?
Marge: .08 sober!
Homer: .15!
Marge: .09!
Homer: .10. With a stomach full of bread. Final offer.

Marge: Homer, I’m a hostage in a bank robbery!
Homer: What? Oh my god! My sweet Margie! Okay, listen very carefully: don’t do anything they say, remain panicky, and above all try to be a hero.

Homer: Marge give me a break. I don’t notice the color of people’s eyes. I just judge them by the color of their skin.

Bart: Why do all your bedtime stories have commercials in them for the Container Store?
Homer: Because if I do it enough maybe they’ll start to pay me.

Homer: Why would women want to go to a gym if there were no men there watching them and judging them?

Homer: Hors d’oeuvres, big fancy desserts and my wife is paying for everything. Now I know why pimps are so happy.

Homer: Oh. All food tastes like barf now.

Surgeon: Okay, count backwards from ten.
Homer: Fine. I admit it. I’m drunk.

Homer: Heh heh heh. I spit on your corpse, advertiser-supported television!

Homer: Listen carefully: I’ve taken your wife hostage. If you don’t have a wife I have kidnapped your brother. Nod if you understand. Good. Now back away from Burns and I will let your dog live.

Homer: Son, while your mother and little mother are out I’m going to let you in on a deep dark family secret.
Bart: You got a drinking problem?
Homer: I said “secret”.

Bart: So Dean Martin would show up at the last minute and do everything in just one take?
Homer: That’s right.
Bart: But Wikipedia said he was passionate about rehearsal!
Homer: Don’t you worry about Wikipedia. We’ll change it when we get home. {menacingly} We’ll change a lot of things.

Homer: You keep disappearing and reappearing and you’re not even funny. You’re just like that show Scrubs!

Homer: I’m really glad you corrected me, Lisa. People are always really glad when they’re corrected.

Season 20

Homer: Is there something different about the kitchen?
Transformed Appliances: No. No.
Homer: Well. The toaster’s never lied to me before.

Homer: Before you kill me, I’ve gotta know. What is the one true religion?
Krusty: Eh, it’s a mix of voodoo and Methodist.

Moe: This Bashir kid is Muslim. And therefore up to something.
Homer: Oh. I can’t believe that until I see a fictional TV program espousing your point of view.

Marge: You’re teaching Bart a terrible lesson of intolerance!
Homer: I’m sorry. It’s just so fun and easy to judge people based on their religion.
Marge: I want you to go over to their house and apologize.
Homer: But we’re the more powerful country for a few more years!

Skinner: By the way, I enjoyed the photos of your trip to Yosemite.
Homer: Oh, that. We were actually going out for brunch and I got lost. But don’t worry, Officer. We’ll definitely have a talk with the boy.

Lisa: Dad, just because you won a high school election doesn’t mean your whole life would’ve been better.
Homer: That’s exactly what it means! And Dondelinger took that life away from me. And the taking of a life is murder. And the punishment for murder is— well it varies from state to state and by race.

Homer: Marge, don’t worry. It’s like when we stopped paying the phone bill. They stopped calling us. In fact everyone did.

Homer: He’s nailing something to our door!
Lisa: Hm. I wonder if it’s theses.
Homer: That’s gross.

Homer: “Thing I want to do before I die.” “Pitch in the Negro Leagues.” I can think of at least two problems with that. Can’t read that one, my thumb’s over it. “Have one more beer at O’Flanagan’s Pub.” We’ll do that one.

Oscar Wilde: Homer, there are only two tragedies in life. One is not getting what one wants and the other is getting it.
Homer: But that makes no sense.
Oscar Wilde: Experience is simply the name we give to our mistakes.
Homer: Shut up!
Oscar Wilde: “These days, man knows the price of everything. And the value of nothing.”
Homer: Whatever happened to “Boo!”!?

Homer: I’m sorry. I got carried away. From now on the only thing I’ll ever do for you is co-sign if you want a gun. But at least I made Lisa popular. he gets a text. “I Ha-Eight This”? Wha?
Lisa: I’m sorry Dad, these girls are nice on the surface but it’s hard work staying this shallow. I hope you understand.
Homer: Yeah. It’s clear to me now. The best thing I can do as a parent is simply check out.
Lisa: No. There’s a middle ground.
Homer: Lisa, the light bulb is either on or it’s off.
Lisa: Not if you use a dimmer switch.
Homer: That’s what the dimmer switch companies want you to think.