The Simpsons The Simpsons Seasons

Season 17


Dan Castellaneta  Hank Azaria  Harry Shearer  Julie Kavner  Lily Tomlin  Mandy Moore  Marcia Wallace  Michael York  Nancy Cartwright  Pamela Hayden  Richard Dean Anderson  Ricky Gervais  Tress MacNeille  Yeardley Smith

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Bonfire of the Manatees

Does any kid still do this anymore?

Homer: Alright. You can shoot your gay adult film at my house.
Fat Tony: I didn’t say anything about gay.
Homer: I thought you guys were the gay mafia.

Elf: Welcome to Santa’s Village where it’s Christmas everyday. Closed on Christmas.

Homer: Look, we’ve been down this road before. I do something stupid, your mom leaves, we eat waffles.
Bart: We’re out of waffles.

Bart: Country cousins? Are they rubes? ‘Cause I don’t cotton to rubes.
Homer: The rubiest!

Homer: Okay, the key to this thing is the manatees. Is Marge saving them or killing them?
Lisa: Saving them!

The Girl Who Slept Too Little

Homer: Stupid best friend Flanders.

Marge: Whatever happened to “please” and “thank you”?
Homer: I think they killed each other. You know, one of those murder-suicide deals.

Homer: Don’t be surprised if a snuggle monster shows up.
Marge: Well I hope he’s accompanied by the “How was your day” monster and the foot rub monster and the “Let me just—”
Homer: Don’t worry, he’s not showing up.

Lisa: Okay, gotta stay calm. If Scooby Doo has taught me anything it’s that the only thing to fear are crooked real estate developers.

Milhouse of Sand and Fog

Bart: This is awesome. Black God rules!

Marge: Homer, don’t touch her. You’ve never had chicken pox.
Homer: I know and you did. And you’re great.
Marge: No, I’m just saying it’s very dangerous if you get it as an adult. It could leave you sterile. Down there.
Homer: You always gotta work blue, doncha Marge? You’re better than that.

Bart: Don’t worry, Dad. I’m saving one for you. I’ll just leave it here in the dog’s mouth.
Homer: No! Bart! That’s a really bad storage area!

Ned: Hey Homer, why the sour puss? Did you chug-a-lug of skunky Snapple?
Homer: I don’t know, maybe. Plus my wife won’t let me inside because the baby’s got chicken pox.

Kirk: Son, I want to make one thing clear. Unlike the break-up, this is not your fault.

Bart: Those TV writers are geniuses.
Milhouse: Whatever they’re paid, it’s not enough.

Homer: Of all the people for Marge to cheat on, why did it have to be me?

Marge: Oh boy, I’m beat. If you want to return a melon to the grocery store, clear your day.

Lisa: If you don’t tell Mom what you did, I will.
Bart: Oh come on. Wouldn’t it be easier if our parents divorced and you compensated by marrying much older men? Meanwhile I’ll be one of those weird guys who’s thirty-five and shows up at high school basketball games.

Treehouse of Horror XVI

Kang: This is the most boring game in the Universe!
Kodos: And with all the steroids they take the players look like freaks.

Kodos: Smooth move, Space Lax. You’ve destroyed the totality of existence.
Kang: It’ll be fine. I’ll just leave a note.

Flanders: Hi-diddly-ho! There’s no bot like a robot! David punches Flanders. Ow. My Flander Doodles.

Bart: Eat my shorts!
David: I will comply.

Lisa: I hate going to the zoo. I feel so sorry for the animals.
Homer: Lisa, the zoo opens up a whole new world for the animals. In the wild, they would never experience boredom, obesity, loss of purpose. You know, the American Dream!

Robot: Tell me, young man, what is it like to have feelings?
Bart: I said I’m human, not a girl.

Lisa: Dad, Dad! Wake up! You’re not a robot. You’re just possessed by the Devil.

Bart: No fair! Dad gets to shoot wild animals. But I kill one bird and I have to go to a psychiatrist.
Marge: Mm. He still thinks that hobo was a bird.

Announcer: You’re watching the World Series of Manslaughter. Most violent TV spectacle since the Image Hip Hop Awards.

Agnes: Seymour, I told you not to go as GI Joe.
Skinner: Mother I’m fine. I— checks pants. Uh oh.

Mayor Quimby: I am not a Happy Meal right now.

Wiggum: I’m Jared from the Subway ads! I’m only a little overweight and sexually ambiguous.

Marge’s Son Poisoning

Lisa: They’re tearing down the pier!
Bart: But what will junkies do drugs under?
Homer: They’ll bounce back, son. They’re a strong people.

Homer: You want me to ride a whatsicle built for who?
Marge: A tandem bicycle! When I bought it you said you’d ride with me.
Homer: But I’m watching television! A lot of people worked hard on this show.

Marge: Mom, who’s Neil Young?
Bart: He was a singer in the sixties. Like The Archies and the Banana Splits.

Marge: I’m a little worried. This part of the county is unincorporated. Just to be safe I’m going to dial 9-1 on my cell phone.

Bart about the tea house: Mom, this is great. It makes our real house look like a pile of crap.

Marge: Where are you two going?
Homer: I’m joining the professional arm wrestling circuit.
Marge: Uh huh. And how will this affect your job at the power plant?
Homer: Negatively, I would assume.

Homer about My Sharona: That song is a pop music footnote! {the bullies pause} I didn’t say stop!

See Homer Run

Bart: Hey mom, can I have some money to buy Dad a present?
Marge: If I give you money how is the gift really from you?
Bart: Where do you get your money?
Marge: Here’s a ten. Make your own card.

Bart: Cool. I’m a street.

Homer: Oh sure, it’s easy to point out my faults. It’s a little harder to shut up.

Mayor Quimby: Dear god, every wacko, nut case and Disco Stu in this town is gonna run against me.

Homer: I can’t believe I lost after Ben Affleck campaigned night and day for me.
Lisa: Yeah, I warned you about that.

The Last of the Red Hot Mamas

Homer: Oh come on, honey, you have lots of friends. There’s Lisa… and the stove.

Homer: Why does every woman I try to talk to run into cans?

Tammy (Lily Tomlin): How ’bout that wind! I don’t know how you keep your hair so perfect.
Marge: Johnson’s Water Seal.
Tammy: My name’s Tammy. And these are my friends. The Cheery Red Tomatoes.

Homer laughing: Marge? In a gang! What are you going to do, shoot me with a frosting gun? Seriously. I would love that.

Homer: Marge, I wanted to save you from the cops but the cops followed me. Game over, man! Game, over!

The Italian Bob

Bart: What’s with the Canadian flag on your backpack?
Lisa: Well… some people in Europe have the impression that America has made some stupid choices in the past, oh, five years. So for the next week I’m from Canada.

Homer: Stupid Italy. Wish you’d never been unified by Victor Emmanuel II. If only you’d stayed a loose confederation of city-states trading with each other and occasionally warring.

Homer: Why can’t you people learn to speak my language? I learned to eat your food.

Marge: Excuse me, Mayor. They say you speak English.
Sideshow Bob: Indeed I do.
The Simpsons: Sideshow Bob!
Sideshow Bob: The Simpsons!
All: Augh!

Sideshow Bob: You little scamp. You know you’ll make one murderer very happy some day.

Lisa: Dad! Don’t act like Mussolini.
Homer: Oo. I thought I was doing Donald Trump.

Simpsons Christmas Stories

Homer: A pregnant virgin? That’s every man’s worst nightmare!

Frink: Herod’s coming for the child! Manger danger! Manger danger!

Homer: And did you know that little baby Jesus grew up to be… Jesus? {the crowd is awed} I know, weird isn’t it?

Pilot: Kamikazes at two o’clock!
Grampa: Well, I don’t usually drink after lunch, but…

Santa Claus: Donder! Blitzen!
Burns: He’s German. That’s good eatin’.
Grampa Simpson: You useless waste of socks! That ain’t no Kraut. We just shot down Santy Claus.

Homer’s Paternity Coot

I am not smarter than the president

Announcer: How often have you driven by a fire and thought, “How can this benefit me?”

Rev. Lovejoy to Action Jesus: Oh be cool for once!

Homer: So this guy might be my real father. And his name starts with M. Hm… Moleman… Mr. Burns… M. Night Shyamalan! That would be a twist worthy of his increasingly lousy films.

Mason Fairbanks (Michael York): I’ve dined with the Prince of Wales and killer whales. And only the latter knew how to chew without humming.

We’re on the Road to D’ohwhere

Teacher was not dumped––It was mutual

Bart: Thank you, Satan!

Principal Skinner: Hm. That’s odd. I only turn the heat on for Parents Night.

Principal Skinner: They use a proven concept: tough hate. To turn around foul-mouthed hooligans. Then they send them home, quietly ticking away.

Bart: Dad, if you take me to Vegas I’ll teach you how to cheat at blackjack.
Homer: Boy, you don’t need to cheat when you’ve got a system.
Bart: What’s your system?
Homer: I don’t tell your mother how much I’ve lost.

Homer: One child to Portland. He’s your problem now!
Ticketing Agent: It seems he was our problem before. Your son is on the no-fly list.

Pilot: Welcome to Atlanta. Please keep your seatbelt fastened until we have come to a complete stop.
Bart: Nobody tells Bart Simpson what to do! {unfastens seat belt}
Pilot: Thanks a lot, 38C. Now we all have to go back to Minneapolis. And I’m very tired.

Bart: Where’s the old carefree Homer that likes to cut loose?
Homer: You mean Fun Homer? I’m afraid Serious Homer has him locked up ’til you’re at your snooty torture camp.

Dead Intellectual Homer: Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny

Mount Rushmore : Twenty Feet Out of Your Way.
Homer: Eh.

Homer: I’ll have the Smiley Face breakfast special. But could you add a bacon nose? Plus bacon hair. Bacon mustache. Five o’clock shadow made of bacon bits. And a bacon body.
Skobo’s Waitress: How ’bout if I just shoved a pig down your throat. {Homer sounds interested} I’m kidding.
Homer: Fine! But the bacon man lives in a bacon house!
Skobo’s Waitress: No he doesn’t!

Otto: Oh wow. Drugs in a bottle. I feel like Elvis Presley.

My Fair Laddy

Marge: Sweetie, if someone’s bullying you, you should tell your teacher.
Bart: But it’s the teacher who’s bullying me.
Marge: Well tell your regular bully. He won’t like it one bit.

Bart: Time for the bombarder to become the bombardier.

Marge: Would you like to spend the night with us?
Willie: I don’ need your charity! As long as I’ve got a pan over me head.
Marge: That’s not a pan. It’s a colander.
Willie: Ah, so that’s where all me soup went.

Marge: Homey, what’s that? On the back of your head?
Homer: It’s called headvertising. It creates brand awareness without relying on traditional media.
Marge: Well it creeps me out. {Homer turns off the light} Wow. It glows in the dark.
Homer confused: It’s not supposed to.

The Seemingly Never-ending Story

Homer: I’m stuck! And I have to pee. {pause} Now I’m just stuck.

Lisa is trying to escape a big-horned sheep:
Lisa: Mad beast!
Burns: Liberal midget!

Texan: Yee ha! I’m gonna win me a nucular plant!
Burns: Dream on, bitch.

Moe: Barney, how do you keep getting back in?
Barney: I’m a drunk. I don’t know nothin’ about how I do anything.

Moe: Listen boozebags, I got a good thing going here. If you mess it up I will out the one of you that is gay!

Burns: Oh. The sheep was no danger at all. I sacrificed my gorgeous body for nothing. This must be what it’s like to have a baby.

Bart Has Two Mommies

Reverend Lovejoy: This fundraiser is close to achieving the Lord’s goal. Building a taller steeple than the one on that snooty Episcopal church across the street.
Marge: Reverend, why do we really need this?
Reverend Lovejoy: To compensate for my own sense of smallness.

Ned: We could do a little quid pro for the Kaypro.

Left-Handers Convention
Today’s Seminar — Ambidextrous: Lefties in Denial?

Marge: Here’s my mask. I’m a Star Wars!

Ned: Call me Ned Zeppelin, but is one of my boys abrased and contused?
Todd: I cut myself on a knife playing Christian Clue.
Rod: The Secular Humanist did it in the Schoolhouse with Misinformation!

Homer: Lisa, monkeys don’t have feelings. If they did then my experiments could be called cruel.

Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife

I will not laminate dog doo

Marge: What are you doing, Homer?
Homer: I’m signing us up for a reality show where we trade you to another family.
Marge: Wow, that could be interesting. Or it could damage many many lives.

Lisa: I don’t understand, Dad. Our family has so many flaws. Why share them with the world?

Homer: You take forever to say nothing!

Charles (Ricky Gervais): Marge, I love you. And I can tell by your basic level of courtesy that you love me too.
Marge: What? No!

Million Dollar Abie

I will not flip the classroom upside down

Homer: You’re a useless old man! Name one thing you do for this family.
Grampa: I watch the baby.
Marge: Where is the baby?
Grampa: You left me with a baby?!

Dr. Egoyan: I am so honored that you’ve chosen me to murder you.

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bangalore

Lenny: Does this mean we’re losing our job?
Mr. Burns: No no. Your jobs are safe. They’ll just be done by someone else in another country.

Richard Dean Anderson to Selma and Patty: You’re into MacGuyver? That show was so stupid. “Oh, I’m MacGuyver! I can make a bomb out of a banana peel and a toaster!” That show was just a paycheck to me and nothing more.

Richard Dean Anderson: Watch the face! I need that for acting!

Homer: This isn’t India! Where’s the University of Notre Dame? The Indy 500? Wrigley Field? Dodger Dogs?
Traveler: You ignorant American. You have confused India with Indiana, Indiana with Illinois, and the Cubs with the Dodgers.

Selma: MacGuyver lives! And not just at 2am on the USA Network.

Richard Dean Anderson: Okay, here’s the plan: you lock me in the trunk of a car and park it under the pier at low tide. All I need are these everyday objects: a nail file, a Farmer’s Almanack, a gun with no bullets, some bullets, and three of my MacGuyver writers.

Homer: You’re giving me absolute power?
Burns: Mm hm.
Smithers: Sir, doesn’t that corrupt?
Burns: Absolutely not.

Burns: No office talk. I’m floating down the Ganges with my new chums.
Smithers: Those are corpses.
Burns: You never liked my friends.

Richard Dean Anderson: Welcome home! Guess who made MacGuyver burgers? MacGuyver.
Patty: We didn’t have any ground beef.
Richard Dean Anderson: Yeah, but you did have Slim Jims, a cheese grater and rubber bands to hold it all together.
Selma: We gotta get rid of this kook.

The Wettest Stories Ever Told

Sea Captain: Perhaps an old sea yarn might pass the time. Too bad I don’t know any.
Lisa: I know one! About the most important sea voyage in American history. The journey of the Mayflower.
Sea Captain: Ah yes. The ship that brought prostitutes to America.
Lisa: Not prostitutes! Protestants!
Sea Captain: Now who’s being naive?

Homer (captaining the Mayflower): Don’t worry, Marge! I’ll see to it you fundamentalist Christians live to take over all of America by the 21st century!

Ned Flandish: I just thought of a name for where we’re going. New England!
Willie: Oh, that’s real creative! What do you call your foot? New hand?

Willie: I’m warnin’ ya, Captain. Push this crew too far and there’ll be mutiny.
Captain Bly: Mutiny? On the Bounty? What have you been smoking?
Willie: Opium.

Girls Just Want to Have Sums

Lisa: I can’t wait to see this re-imagining of Itchy & Scratchy by avant garde director Juliana Krellner.
Homer: Hey, it say here the “book” was written by Tom Stoppard.

Lindsay Naegle: You’re a worse version of Hitler!

Nelson: Ha ha! The principal’s a tranny.

Otto: Girls Entrance! Have an empowering day, my pony-loving leaders of tomorrow. {the girls exit} Alright, I’m gonna open this cage. But no biting!
Nelson: You’re not the boss of my teeth.

Marge: …Since then, I haven’t been able to do any of the Calculus I’ve encountered in my daily life.

Bart: No one with a choice should ever have to be a girl. I’ll teach you how to be a boy.
Lisa: You would do that for me? That is so sweet.
Bart: You’re a boy. Nothing is sweet. {kicks Lisa in the leg}.
Lisa: Ow! That hurt.
Bart: Sweet.

Regarding Margie

I will not leak the plot of the movie

Bart: Dad, isn’t it wrong to open and/or eat other people’s mail?
Homer: Son, all our mail has ever brought me is bad news. Bills, jury duty, Entertainment Weekly.

Lisa: I’m Lisa, I’m eight years old and, this might sound presumptuous, but I’m your favorite.
Marge: Oh you seem sweet, but I could never have a favorite.
Lisa: Well… talk to me in a week.

Marge in her head: I think he’s a male gay.

The Monkey Suit

Je ne parle pas français

Homer: Time to do what I do best: ruin it for everybody.

Voiceover: IMAX 3-D films presents Nunchucks: Cool But Useless

Ned: My most cherished beliefs, a myth?
Rod: Daddy, was Mommy a monkey? I can’t remember.
Ned: No one was ever a monkey! Everything is what it was and always will be. God put us here and that’s that.

Ralph: Are oceans God’s tears?
Principal Skinner: They sure are. A+!
Ralph: Now Lisa’s the Ralph.

Lisa: This is slander! Darwin was one of the greatest minds of all time!
Janey: Then why is he making out with Satan?

Bart: So according to Creationism, there were no cavemen.
Homer: Good riddance! Their drawings suck and they look like hippies.

Lawyer: Now Mr. Flanders, you’re familiar with the Bible.
Ned: As familiar as it’s proper to be.

Marge and Homer Turn a Couple Play

Have a great summer, everyone

Grampa: You wanna know something, Bart?
Bart: Eh. I know enough.

Bart: Wow. I’ve this suddent urge to give her a five dollar bill.

Homer: Oh. You’re so hot. If only I’d seen you before I met my wife.
Tabitha (Mandy Moore): Aw, Homer. You’re sweet but— Oh. You’re talking to the chicken.
Homer: Don’t tell the hamburger in my car.

Buck Mitchell: This is the worst blimp crash ever.
Grampa: Too soon!