The Simpsons

Lisa Simpson

1989.12.17    

Yeardley Smith

Season 1

Patty: It’s almost nine o’clock.
Selma: Where is Homer anyway?
Patty: It’s so typical of the big doofus to spoil it all.
Lisa: What, Aunt Patty?
Patty: Oh nothing, dear. I’m just trashing your father.
Lisa: Well, I wish that you wouldn’t. Because, aside from the fact that he has the same frailties as all human beings, he’s the only father I have. Therefore, he is my model of manhood, and my estimation of him will govern the prospects of my adult relationships. So I hope you bear in mind that any knock at him is a knock at me. And I am far too young to defend myself against such onslaughts.
Patty: Mm hm. Go watch your cartoon show, dear.

Lucille Botz (Penny Marshall): You’re a smart young man, Bart. I hope you’re smart enough to keep your mouth shut.
Lisa: He isn’t.

Season 2

Lisa: Prayer. The last refuge of a scoundrel.

Lisa: I heard you last night, Bart. You prayed for this. Now your prayers have been answered. I’m no theologian. I don’t know who or what God is exactly. All I know is he’s a force more powerful than Mom and Dad put together and you owe him big.

Bart: You throw like my sister, man!
Lisa: Yeah! You throw like me!

Dancin’ Homer: Well I’m ready to punch in!
Bart: Woah. Hey. Cool, man.
Lisa: Our lives have taken an odd turn.

Lisa: We’re simple people with simple values. Capitol City is too big, too complex. Everyone in Springfield knows us. And has forgiven us.

Lisa: Why do I get the feeling that someday I’ll be describing this to a psychiatrist?

Lisa: This is a rather shameless promotion.
Bart: Hey, it worked on me.
Lisa: Me too.

Season 3

Lisa: Meditations on Turning Eight by Lisa Simpson
I had a cat named Snowball. She died! She died!
Mom said she was sleeping. She lied! She lied!
Why oh why is my cat dead? Couldn’t that Chrysler hit me instead?
I had a hamster named Snuffy. He died—
Homer: No deal.

Homer: Here’s good news. According to this eye-catching article, SAT scores are declining at a slower rate.
Lisa: Dad, think this paper is a flimsy hodgepodge of high-brass factoids and Larry King.
Homer: Hey, this is the only paper in America that’s not afraid to tell the truth. That everything is just fine.

Lisa: All the years I’ve wanted to be treated like an adult have blown up in my face.

Homer: So who do you like in the afternoon game?
Lisa: Well, I like the 49ers because they’re pure of heart. Seattle because they got something to prove, and the Raiders because they always cheat.

Homer: So… do you think the Redskins will beat the spread?
Lisa: Put me down. Look, Dad. I’ll tell you who’s going to win the Superbowl if you want me to, but it’ll just validate my theory that you cared more about winning money than you did about me.
Homer: Okay.
Lisa: I pick Washington as a mortal lock.
Homer: Washington! Woo hoo!
Lisa: However.
Homer: However? What do you mean, “however”? “However” what?
Lisa: However. I may also be so clouded with rage that subconsciously I want you to lose. In which case, I bet the farm on Buffalo.
Homer: Lisa, do me a favor. Complete this sentence: “Daddy should bet all his money on—”
Lisa: I don’t know. If I still love you, Washington. If I don’t, Buffalo.

Bart: I guess you love Dad.
Lisa: I suspected as much.

Season 4

Lisa: I feel like I’m going to die, Bart.
Bart: We’re all going to die, Lis.
Lisa: I meant soon.
Bart: So did I.

Lisa: “So we’ll march day and night by the big cooling tower. They have the plants but we have the power.”

Season 5

Marge: In honor of legalized gambling, why not go as the state of Nevada?
Lisa: No. Nevada makes my butt look big.

Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
Homer breaks lamp: D’oh!
Bart: Aye Carumba!
Marge: Hmmm.
Maggie sucks her pacifier.
Flanders: Hidely-ho.
Barney burps
Nelson: Ha ha!
Burns: Excellent!
They all stare at her.
Lisa: If anyone wants me, I’ll be in my room.

Marge: Ooh, Lisa! Is that too spicy for you?
Lisa: I can see through time!

Lisa: Excuse me. Ms. Lovell? I’d like to talk to you about Malibu Stacy.
Stacy Lovell (Kathleen Turner): Do you have any idea how many kids have tried to track me down?
Lisa: Am I the first?
Stacy Lovell: … Yes.

Bart: It’s weird, Lis. I miss him as a friend but I miss him even more as an enemy.
Lisa: I think you need Skinner, Bart. Everybody needs a nemesis. Sherlock Holmes had his Dr. Moriarty. Mountain Dew has its Mello Yello. Even Maggie has that baby with the one eyebrow.

Season 6

Lisa’s Brain: They’re only using you for your pool, you know.
Lisa: Shut up, brain! I’ve got friends now. I don’t need you anymore.

Lisa: Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.

About the Yahoo Serious Festival
Lisa: I know those words, but that sign makes no sense.

Marge: I’m glad you’re okay, honey. But I wish you’d chosen a more tasteful to be patriotic.
Lisa: I’m impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt.

Hugh Parkfield (Mandy Patinkin): I can’t believe how much we have in common. We’re both studying the environment, we’re both utterly humorless about our vegetarianism, and we both love the Rolling Stones.
Lisa: Yes. Not for their music, but for their tireless efforts to preserve historic buildings.

Marge: Whatever happened to good old fashioned town pride?
Lisa: It’s been going downhill ever since the lake caught fire.

Season 7

Lisa: But you know Bart, some philosophers believe that nobody is born with a soul. That you have to earn one through suffering and thought and prayer. Like you did last night.

Lisa: I don’t get. Straight A’s, perfect attendance, bathroom timer. I should be the most popular girl in school.

Erin (Christina Ricci): You like hanging out too?
Lisa: Well it beats doing stuff.
Erin: Yeah. Doing stuff sucks.

Season 8

Lisa: My god, I’ve created life!
Marge: Lisa! Breakfast. We’re having waffles.
Lisa: Oo! Waffles!

Lisa: Wait. One of them is nailing something to the door of the cathedral. I’ve created Lutherans!

Lisa: Dad, wake up. I think a hurricane is coming!
Homer: Oh Lisa, there’s no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.
Lisa: Yes, but the records only go back to 1978 when the hall of records was mysteriously blown away.

Homer: I don’t want you calling him a sissy. This guy’s a fruit, and a— . No, wait. Queer. Queer! Queer. That’s what you liked to be called, right?
John: Well that, or John.
Lisa: This is about as tolerant as Dad gets, so you should be flattered.

Season 9

Homer: But I have to have a gun! It’s in the Constitution.
Lisa: Dad! The second amendment is just a remnant from Revolutionary Day. It has no meaning today.
Homer: You couldn’t be more wrong, Lisa. If I didn’t have this gun, the King of England could just walk in here any time he wants and start shoving you around. You want that? Huh! Do you?!
Lisa: No.

Marge: Well I guess you were right, honey. But you have to admit, when that angel started to talk, you were squeezing my hand pretty hard.
Lisa: Well it was just so loud, and…. Thanks for squeezing back.
Marge: Anytime, my angel.

Bart: There’s gotta be a way out of this. Lisa, chop off my hands!
Lisa: No! Then who’ll chop off my hands?

Lisa: Dear Log, Can it be true? Do all Simpsons go through a process of dumbening? {she stops} Wait, that’s not how you spell dumbening. Wait, dumbening isn’t even a word!

Homer: Does this make me look fat?
Lisa: No, it makes you look like a tool of government oppression.
Homer: But not fat?

Lisa: May I have that seat?
Comic Book Guy: Yes! If you can answer me these questions three. Question the first!—
Lisa: Never mind.

Lisa: Stupid bus that can’t even go to the stupid place it’s supposed to stupid go.

Season 10

Lisa: Dad, women won’t like being shot in the face.

Marge: It’s so nice to have a peaceful weekend together.
Lisa: Yeah, I’m bored too.

Season 11

Lisa: What do aliens have to do with Halloween?

Lisa: Wow, it’s got every Nancy Drew. Even the controversial Clue in the Clock. Tsk tsk tsk. So many swears.

Bart: You changed, Lisa. You used to be cool.
Lisa: No I didn’t.

Season 12

Lisa: You know, she’s only fattening you up so she can eat you.
Bart: Eh. What are you going to do?
Lisa: You could at least stop basting yourself.

Lisa: Well you can’t post news if you don’t have any.
Homer: That’s a great idea. I’ll make up some news!
Lisa: At least take off your Pulitzer Prize when you say that.

Season 13

Gay Pride Marchers: We’re here! We’re queer! Get used to it!
Lisa: You do this every year! We are used to it!

Season 14

Announcer: …Victory seems certain for Governor Thomas C. Dewey.
Homer: Dewey! Dewey! Dewey!
Lisa: Dad, I’m telling you. Truman wins.

Lisa: Mom! What happened? Your endowment’s bigger than Harvard’s.
Homer: Well that cinches it. Lisa gets the prize for the best off-the-cuff response.
Lisa: Actually I saw them earlier and I was working on it in the hall.

Lisa: Mom. Dad. My birthday’s coming up and Girltech Turbo Diaries are in stores now.
Homer: Lisa, nobody likes a shill.
Lisa: Just buy me the friggin’ toy.
Homer: Heh heh heh. I love that little shill.

Lisa: Does it make you feel superior to tear down people’s dreams?
Declan: Yes. Does it make you feel smart to question people’s motives?
Lisa: Yes.
Declan: Well alright then.

Season 15

Father Frink: Every brain unlocks more secrets of the Universe! Muffins are surprisingly high in calories. The pyramids were actually built by Sears.
Lisa: He’s right! It all checks out.

Krusty: Are you sure that’s “kosher”?
Lisa: There’s nothing in the Talmud that forbids it.
Bart: How do you know all this stuff?
Lisa: I have a Jewish imaginary friend. Her name is Rachel Cohen. And she just got into Brandeis.
Rabbi Krustofski (Jackie Mason): Wonderful!

Lisa: To save money on a new dish, we’ll call you Snowball II and just pretend this whole thing never happened.
Skinner walking past: That’s really a cheat, isn’t it?
Lisa: I guess you’re right. Principal Tamzarian.
Skinner: Well, I’ll be moving along then. Lisa… Snowball II.

Marge: How did you get her out?
Lisa: I tried the coat hanger again. I don’t understand why we can only try ideas once.

Lisa: This movie is drivel. She’s wooden and unpleasant, and no matter what he does he’s still Ryan O’Neal.

Marge: Bart, stop fooling with the remote!
Bart: Lisa made me with a witches spell.
Lisa: It’s called Wicca and it’s empowering.
Bart: Wicca’s a Hollywood fad.
Lisa: That’s Kaballah, jerk!

Homer: I bet this is all a big surprise, huh? Mild-mannered Homer Simpson.
Lisa
: You’re not mild-mannered. You’re often liquored-up and rude.
Homer: Honorable men can differ.

Bart: This is it. They’re selling us for crash test dummies.
Lisa: Oh please let it be Volvo.

Lisa: This is ridiculous. Only babies and ex-junkies are afraid of needles. Stick me, Chuckles.

Lisa: What kind of journalism experience do you have?
Nelson: I dunno. Beating up nerds.
Lisa: Great. You’re our TV critic.

Burns: Maybe you should just go!
Lisa: I can’t! My mom’s not picking me up for an hour.
pause
Burns: So… what do you think of today’s popular music scene?
Lisa: I think it distracts people from the more important social issues of today.
Burns: My god, are you always on?

Season 16

Lisa: Stupid selfish Bart. Like he’s ever gonna do another nice thing for me. Oh! He’s building a me! Well, I mean it’s a little American Primitive, but who am I to dismiss outsider art.

Bart: Yeah, well you love Moleman.
Lisa: No you do. You’re gay for Moleman!
Bart: You’re gay for Moleman!
Moleman: No one’s gay for Moleman.

Season 17

Lisa is trying to escape a big-horned sheep:
Lisa: Mad beast!
Burns: Liberal midget!

Season 18

Lisa: I’m proud of you, mom. You’re like Christopher Columbus. You discovered something millions of people knew about before you.

Lisa: I can’t believe you listened to this magazine. It’s a Larry Flynt publication.
Marge: Lisa, stop reading mastheads.
Lisa: I can’t. I won’t!

Season 19

Kodos: You are very observant Lisa. That’s why I have a special job for you. Go find out the secret locations of your country’s missile defense systems.
Lisa: They were in yesterday’s New York Times.

Marge: So how was your outside time?
Lisa: We were never outside! We were here all day!
Marge: That quick talking is never a good sign.
Lisa: That’s usually true but in this case it’s not.

Lisa: Give me an Indian burn.
Bart: But—
Lisa: Don’t make me say “Indian” again.

Lisa: I learned that beneath my goody two shoes lies some very dark socks.

Mayor Quimby: It was a rhetorical question.
Lisa: And I used rhetoric in my answer!

Lisa: The intern thing could open up a whole new world of free labor for you. Did you know the Discovery Channel doesn’t have a single paid employee.

Krusty: Go to my joke file and make all the Sophia Lorens into Lindsay Lohans.
Lisa: So, do a global change?
Krusty: What am I, Al Gore? Just do it!

Season 20

Lisa: Guess what, mom? I’m a cruciverbalist!
Marge: Another religion? You know you’re just going to drop the whole thing when you go to college and get a Jewish boyfriend.
Lisa: Probably. But a cruciverbalist is a fan of crossword puzzles. Which I am!
Grampa: Me too. I’ve been doing them since 1958. Back then we called them “alphabet hotels” because every letter gets its own little room.

Lisa: As a rational skeptic I find that hard to believe. Also as a vegetarian I hope there’s not meat in that sauce.
Luigi: Any other orders, Mussolini?

Marge to herself: Wait a second Marge. Do you really want to use your baby as a tool to spy on your husband?
Lisa: Yes you do.
Marge: I wasn’t talking to you.
Lisa: When you say it, it’s not just in your head.

Lisa: I’d just like to remind you that we were all immigrants at one time.
Homer: Well you were a baby once. Does that mean that you still like milk and hugs?
Lisa: Yes. I’d like both right now.