The Simpsons The Simpsons Seasons

Season 2

1990.10.11    S02

Audrey Meadows  Cloris Leachman  Dan Castellaneta  Danny Devito  Dustin Hoffman  Hank Azaria  Harry Shearer  Harvey Fierstein  James Earl Jones  Jon Lovitz  Julie Kavner  Marcia Wallace  Nancy Cartwright  Pamela Hayden  Phil Hartman  Tress MacNeille  Yeardley Smith

Bart Gets an F

I will not encourage others to fly.

Mrs. Krabappel: There were moments when I truly believed you were Hemingway. Bravo, Martin.
Martin Prince: Oh please. Call me Papa.

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, did you read the book?
Bart: Mrs. Krabappel, I am insulted! Is this a book report or witch hunt?

I will not fake my way through life.

Marge: Our little tiger tries so hard. Why does he keep failing?
Homer: Just a little dim I guess.

Bart: I swear I can do better. Look in my eyes. See the conviction? See the sincerity? See the fear? As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade!
Homer: And if you don’t, at least you’ll be bigger than the other kids.

Lisa: Prayer. The last refuge of a scoundrel.

Lisa: I heard you last night, Bart. You prayed for this. Now your prayers have been answered. I’m no theologian. I don’t know who or what God is exactly. All I know is he’s a force more powerful than Mom and Dad put together and you owe him big.

Ben Franklin: I’ve invented something fun. The sled!
Framer: Look everybody! John Hancock’s writing his name in the snow.

Mrs. Krabappel: What’s the matter? Well I would think you’d be used to failing by now.
Bart: No, you don’t understand! I really tried this time! I mean I really tried.
Mrs. Krabappel: There there.
Bart: This is as good as I can do! And I still failed!
Mrs. Krabappel: Well, a 59. It’s a high F.
Bart: Who am I kidding? I really am a failure! Oh, now I know how George Washington felt when he surrendered Fort Necessity to the French in 1754.

Homer: We’re proud of you, Boy.
Bart:Thanks Dad. Part of this D-minus belongs to God.

Simpson and Delilah

Tar is not a plaything.

Mr. Burns: Wait. Who is that young go-getter?
Smithers: Well it kind of looks like Homer Simpson, only dynamic and more resourceful.

Karl (Harvey Fierstein): No no no. Stand naturally, Mr. Simpson. Let it all hang out. {to the tailor} You! Conceal it.

Mr. Burns: Brilliant! Who could ever have imagined that Simpson’s sweeping reforms could pay off so quickly.
Smithers: You know sir, accidents decreased by exactly the number that Simpson himself is known or suspected to have caused last month. And our output level was just as high during Simpson’s last vacation.

Homer: Okay. I’m not going to kill you, but I’m going to tell you three things that will haunt you the rest of your days. You ruined your father. You crippled your family. And baldness is hereditary!

Karl: Dear Mr. Simpson, I’ve taken the liberty of preparing your speech on the enclosed, numbered three-by-five cards. All the big words are spelled phonetically. God bless you. You are one of Springfield’s very special creatures.

Executive: Some nerve. Telling us how to run the plant. He doesn’t even have hair.

Treehouse of Horror

Marge: Hello, everyone. You know, Halloween is a very strange holiday. Personally, I don’t understand it. Kids worshipping ghosts, pretending to be devils. Things on TV that are completely inappropriate for young viewers. Things like the following half-hour! Nothing seems to bother my kids, but tonight’s show—which I totally wash my hands of—is really scary. So if you have sensitive children, maybe you should tuck them in early tonight instead of writing us angry letters tomorrow. Thanks for your attention.

Marge: I’m not going to live in a house of evil just to save a few dollars.
Homer: Don’t be so stubborn! We’re not talking about a few dollars. We’re talking about a few thousand dollars! {he floats upwards as he talks} It’s got great high ceilings!

Marge: This family has had its differences and we’ve squabbled, but we never had knife fights before. And I blame this house.

Bart: Do it again!
The House: What?
Bart: Make the walls bleed.
The House: No.
Bart: Hey man, we own you. Let’s see some blood.
The House: I don’t have to entertain you.
Bart: Come on, man, do it! Do the blood thing.

Lisa: It chose to destroy itself rather than live with us. You can’t help but feel a little rejected.

Kang (Shearer): Greetings, Earthlings, I am Kang. Do not be frightened. We mean you no harm.

Serak the Preparer (James Earl Jones): Here you go Earthlings. Take all you want, but eat all you take.
Marge: Well thank you very much, Mr.—
Serak the Preparer: To pronounce it correctly, I would have to pull out your tongue.
Marge: Ew.

Marge: For a superior race, they really rub it in.

Bart: Are we scared yet?
Lisa: Bart! He’s establishing mood.

Homer: Oh. Oh, I hate Halloween.

Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish

I will not Xerox my butt.

Dave Shutton: And what’s your name, son?
Bart: I’m Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?

Homer: Where are we going, sir?
Mr. Burns: To create a new and better world.
Homer: If it’s on the way could you drop me off at my house?

Mr. Burns: Why are my teeth showing like that?
Campaign Manager: Because you’re smiling.
Mr. Burns: Ah. Excellent! This is exactly the kind of trickery I’m paying you for. But how do we turn your average Joe Six Pack against Mary Bailey?
Campaign Manager: With this team of investigators. Your muckraker, your character assassin, your mudslinger, your garbologist.

Homer: I’m here to talk to you about my little friend here: Blinky. Many of you consider him to be a hideous genetic mutation. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Campaign Manager: Congratulations, Mr. Burns. The latest polls show you’re up six points.
Mr. Burns: Ah. Giving me a total of?
Campaign Manager: Six. But we’re on our way.

Mary Bailey: My worthy opponent seems to think that the voters of this state are gullible fools. I however, prefer to rely on their intelligence and good judgment.
Press: Interesting strategy. Good luck.

Marge: Lisa, you’re learning many lessons tonight. And one of them is to always give your mother the benefit of the doubt.

Mr. Burns: Ironic, isn’t it, Smithers. This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election. And yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail.

Dancin’ Homer

I will not trade pants with others.

Bart: You throw like my sister, man!
Lisa: Yeah! You throw like me!

Dancin’ Homer: Well I’m ready to punch in!
Bart: Woah. Hey. Cool, man.
Lisa: Our lives have taken an odd turn.

Isotopes Owner: Why don’t you talk it over with your family.
Homer: Because they might say no.

Lisa: We’re simple people with simple values. Capitol City is too big, too complex. Everyone in Springfield knows us. And has forgiven us.

Homer: We would talk about it always. For the first time in our lives, Marge fell asleep before I did.

Homer: Bart was strangely quiet. Later he explained he was confused by feelings of respect for me. It wouldn’t last.

Homer: My wife and kids stood by me. On the way home I realized just how little that helped.

Dead Putting Society

I am not a thirty two year old woman.

Lisa: I’m studying for the Math Fair. If I win I’ll bring home a brand new protractor.
Homer: Too bad we don’t live on a farm.

Homer: That shot is impossible! Jack Nicholson himself couldn’t make it.

Marge: Homer, I couldn’t help overhearing you warp Bart’s mind.

Homer: Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I’m tired of making other people feel good about themselves.

Bart: I can’t believe it. You actually found a practical use for geometry.

Ye Olde First Annual Miniature Golf Tournament Today!

Homer: Remember what Vince Lombardi said: If you lose, you’re out of the family!
Marge: Homer!

Announcer: You’ll forgive an old Brit for crying, but this is the most stirring display of gallantry and sportsmanship since Mountbatten gave India back to the Punjabs.

Lisa: Why do I get the feeling that someday I’ll be describing this to a psychiatrist?

Bart vs. Thanksgiving

I will not do that thing with my tongue.

Marge: Mom, you made it! How are you?
Mother Simpson: I have laryngitis and it hurts to talk. So I’ll just say one thing: You never do anything right.

Lisa: Mom, I poured my heart into that centerpiece. Things like that always happen in this family.
Marge: I noticed that too.

Mother Simpson: At the risk of losing my voice, let me just say one more thing: I’m sorry I came.

Bart: Twelve bucks and a free cookie. What a country.

Marge: Homer, this is a terrible thing that’s happened but we can’t blame ourselves.
Homer: We can and will.

Bart the Daredevil

I will not drive the principal’s car.

Principal Skinner: Tonight: Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony.
Homer: Unfinished. Oh good. This shouldn’t take long.

Lisa: Mr, Murdoch, my brother is thinking of jumping Springfield Gorge on his skateboard.
Lance Murdoch to the nurse: Could you leave me with the younguns, please? {she leaves} Now let me start by saying: good for you, son! It’s always good to see young people taking an interest in danger. A lot of people are going to be telling you you’re crazy—and maybe they’re right—but the fact of the matter is bones heal, chicks dig scars, and the United States of America has the best doctor-to-daredevil ratio in the world.

Homer: I tried ordering you, I tried punishing you and—god help me—I even tried reasoning with you. And the only thing left is for me to jump the gorge myself.

Homer: You think you got guts. Try raising my kids.

Itchy & Scratchy & Marge

I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.

Homer: You heard me. I won’t be in for the rest of the week. […] I told you! My baby beat me up. […] No, it’s not the worst excuse I ever thought up.

Roger Meyers writing Marge a letter: …In regards to your specific comments about the show, our research indicates that one person cannot make a difference no matter how big a screwball she is. So let me close by saying…
Marge reading: “…and the horse I rode in on.”?! I’ll show them what one screwball can do!

Homer: Twenty million women in the world and I had to marry Jane Fonda.

Kent Brockman: Are cartoons too violent for children? Most people would say, “No, of course not. What kind of stupid question is that.” But one woman says, “Yes.” And she’s here with us tonight. This is Marge Simpson.

Mrs. Lovejoy: Get dressed, Marge. You’ve got to lead our protest against this abomination.
Marge: But that’s Michelangelo’s David. It’s a masterpiece.
Mrs. Lovejoy: It’s filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human body which, practical as they may be, are evil.
Marge: But I like that statue.
Maude Flanders: I told you she was soft on full frontal nudity.

Marge: I guess one person can make a difference. But most of the time, they probably shouldn’t.

Bart Gets Hit by a Car

I will not sell school property.

Devil: Remember, lie, cheat, steal and listen to heavy metal music!
Bart: Yes sir!

Marge: Oh Bart, for a minute we thought you’d gone away from us.
Bart: I did go away, Mom! I was miles and miles and miles away! Writhing in agony in the pits of Hell! And you were there, and you and you and you… {seeing Lionel Hutz} You I’ve never seen before.
Homer: Yeah, who are you? I saw you chasing Bart’s ambulance.
Lionel Hutz (Phil Hartman): Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney at law. Here’s my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.
Homer: Classy.

Lionel Hutz: My fee is fifty percent.
Homer: Fifty percent?
Lionel Hutz: You’ll be getting more than just a lawyer, Mr. Simpson. You’ll also be getting this exquisite faux pearl necklace—a ninety-nine dollar value—as our gift to you.

Court Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Marge: Yes I do.
Lionel Hutz: She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.

One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish

I will not cut corners.
”    ”    ”    ”    ”
”    ”    ”    ”    ”

Lisa: Thursday. Meatloaf night. As it was, is now, and ever shall be.

Bart: Sushi? Hey, maybe this is just one of those things you hear on the playground, but isn’t that raw fish?
Lisa: As usual the playground has the facts right but missed the point entirely.

Bart: Do you have any giant squids? The kind that drags men to their deaths?
Akira: Not today.

Homer ordering blowfish: C’mon pal! Fugu me!

Homer: That’s sort of nice. What are you in for?
Prisoner: Atmosphere.

Moe: Homer, lighten up! You’re making Happy Hour bitterly ironic.

The Way We Was

I will not get very far with this attitude.

Marge: A lot of times we’d stay home and talk, just like this.
Bart: I’m livin’ it, but I ain’t lovin’ it.

Barney: Hey, Homer. You’re late for English.
Homer: Pfft. English. Who needs that. I’m never going to England.

Marge: The first step to liberation is to free ourselves from these male-imposed shackles! {she lights her bra on fire}
Student: I didn’t think it would burn so fast.
Marge: I guess it’s the tissue paper inside.

Mrs. Bloomenstein: Homer, would you like to present your rebuttal?
Homer: With pleasure! {he moons the class}

Grandma Bouvier: If you pinch your cheeks, they’ll glow. {Marge tries it}. A little more. Try to break some capillaries, dear.
Marge: Couldn’t we just use rouge for this?
Grandma Bouvier: Ladies pinch, whores use rouge.

Homer: How could the only thing I’ve ever been sure about in my life be wrong?
Marge: I don’t know. But it is.

Limo Driver: Where to now, Romeo?
Homer: Inspiration Point.
Limo Driver: Okay, but I’m only paid to drive.

Artie Ziff (Jon Lovitz): Marge, I would appreciate it if you didn’t tell anybody about my busy hands. Not so much for myself. But I am so respected it would damage the town to hear it.

Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment

I will not make flatulent noises in class.

Mt Sinai : 1220 B.C.

Azran, Carver of Graven Images: Moses is back.
Homer the Thief: Quick! Everybody look busy.

Cable Guy: If you’re having second thoughts just read this pamphlet.
Homer reading: “So You’ve Decided to Steal Cable”.

Marge: Bart! You’re no longer in Sunday School. Don’t swear.

Troy McClure (Phil Hartman): Hello. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me in such movies as Cry, Yuma and Here Comes the Coast Guard!

Lisa: Dad, I think that’s pretty spurious.
Homer: Well thank you honey!

Principal Charming

I will not belch the national anthem.

Marge: Oh, Homer. Remember you promised you’d try and limit pork to only six servings per week.
Homer: Marge! I’m only human!

Lisa: Aunt Selma, do you think you’ll ever get married?
Selma: Oh, I don’t know. Why? You know somebody?

Marge: It’s Patty who chose a life of celibacy. Selma simply had celibacy thrust upon her.

Bart: Hello, is Homer there?
Moe: Homer who?
Bart: Homer… sexual.
Moe: Wait one second, let me check. {to the bar}Ah, Homer Sexual? Come one, come. One of you guys has got to be Homer Sexual.
Bart: Don’t look at me!
Moe: Oh no. You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you I’ll sick my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!

Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?

I will not sell land in Florida.

Homer: … And thank you most of all for nuclear power, which has yet to cause a single proven fatality. At least in this country. Amen.

Homer: Quiet, you kids! If I hear one more word Bart doesn’t get to watch cartoons and Lisa doesn’t get to go to college.

Grampa Simpson: She did things your mother never would. Like have sex for money.

Herb Powell (Danny Devito): People don’t want cars named after hungry old Greek broads! They want names like Mustang and Cheetah.

Herb Powell: You! What are your roots?
Exec: Well I guess you could say they extend to when the Anglos met the Saxons.
Herb Powell: In other words when white met bread.

Herb: Homer, you’re the richest man I know.
Homer: I feel the same about you.

Herb: Okay, this is what you’re going to do. YOu’re gonna hang up, call me back and say the exact opposite of everyhing you just said. Goodbye. {hanging up} Bart, Lisa, come over here.
Lisa: What is it, Uncy Herb?
Herb: I want you to hear what the guys down at the plant think of your old man. {picking up} Yello?
Engineer: Ah. Homer Simpson is a brilliant man with lots of well-thought out… practical ideas. He is insuring the financial security of this company for years to come. Oh yes. And his personal hygiene is above reproach.

Lisa: His life was an unbridled success until he found out he was a Simpson.

Bart’s Dog Gets an F

I will not sell school property.

Lisa: “Keep On Trucking.” What does that mean?
Marge: I didn’t know then and I don’t know now.

Homer: Here’s your magazines! How many of these guys are named Corey?

Lisa: Look Mom! I finished my patch. It depicts the two greatest musical influences in my life. On the left is Mr. Largo, my music teacher at school. he taught me that even the noblest concerto can be drained of its beauty and soul. And on the right is Bleeding Gums Murphy. He taught me that music is like a fire in your belly that comes out of your mouth. And you better stick an instrument in front of it.

Bart: We never had a family meeting before.
Homer: We never had a problem with a family member we could give away before.

Old Money

I will not grease the monkey bars.

Grampa: Hello, young lady. Is your grandmother home?
Bea Simmons (Audrey Meadows): Oh Abe. I can tell I better keep my good eye on you.
Grampa: Damn straight.

Grampa: Outta my way! I got a date with an angel.
Jasper: You don’t know how right you are, Abe.

Grampa: What the hell is that?
Professor Frink: Why it’s a death ray, my good man. Behold! {he fires it}
Grampa: Hey. It feels warm. Kind of nice.
Professor Frink: Well it is just a prototype. With proper funding I’m confident this little baby could destroy an area the size of New York City.
Grampa: But I want to help people, not kill them!
Professor Frink: Oh. Well to be honest the ray only has evil applications. You know my wife will be happy. She’s hated this whole death ray thing from day one.

Brush with Greatness

I will not hide behind the fifth amendment.

Watching Krusty at Mt Splashmore
Lisa: This is a rather shameless promotion.
Bart: Hey, it worked on me.
Lisa: Me too.

Homer: As God is my witness, I’ll always be hungry again!

Lisa: Hey, Mom, these paintings are good. I know first hand how fragile young talent is. I’d love to hear the particulars of how your gift was squashed.

Homer: Woo hoo! I’m a work of art. Last Supper, eat your heart out.

Mr Burns: Will you cease that infernal tootling!

Homer: Alright scale, you don’t like me and I don’t like you.

About the painting of Mr. Burns
Dr. Hibbert: Provocative, but powerful.
Mrs. Hoover: He’s bad, but he’ll die. So I like it.

Mr. Burns: You know, I’m no art critic. But I know what I hate. And I don’t hate this. Your painting is bold but beautiful. And incidentally, thanks for not making fun of my genitalia {he wanders off}.
Marge: I thought I did.

Lisa’s Substitute

Lisa: …Three: you seem to be of the Jewish faith.
Mr. Bergstrom (Sam Etic/Dustin Hoffman): Are you sure I’m Jewish?
Lisa: Or Italian.
Mr. Bergstrom: I’m Jewish.

Mr. Bergstrom: And for the record there were a few Jewish cowboys, ladies and gentlemen. Big guys, who were great shots and spent money freely.

Mr. Bergstrom: Mrs. Krabappel, you’re trying to seduce me.

Ms. Hoover: You see class, my lyme disease turned out to be psychosomatic.
Ralph: Does that mean you’re crazy?
Suzie: No, that means she was faking it!
Ms. Hoover: No, actually it was a little of both.

Mr. Bergstrom: That’s the problem with being middle class. Anybody who really cares will abandon you for those who need it more.

Mr. Bergstrom’s Note: You are Lisa Simpson

Homer: Hey! Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.

Lisa: I’m sorry I called you a baboon, Dad.
Homer: Think nothing of it.

War of the Simpsons

I will not do anything bad ever again.

Marge: Homer, go easy on the alky-hol. Remember last year at the Winfield’s party when you threw up in the laundry hamper?
Homer thinking: No.

Marge: I apologize for my husband.
Dr. Hibbert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.
Marge: Thank you. I will, Dr. Hibbert. Thanks for coming.
Dr. Hibbert: Remember, I said “if”.

Marge: Homer, I like to think that I’m a patient, tolerant woman and that there was no line you could cross that could make me stop loving you. But last night you didn’t just cross that line, you threw up on it!

You’re going to stay here and explain to Bart why you scarred him for life!
No I didn’t! I— Oh, you mean inside don’t you?

Marge about the trust fall: Do I have to do this?
Rev. Lovejoy: No. Even if your husband were here I wouldn’t recommend it.

Three Men and a Comic Book

I will not show off.

Bart: I wonder how Richie died.
Lisa: Perhaps he realized how hollow the pursuit of money is and took his own life.

Mrs. Glick (Cloris Leachman): Filthy! But genuinely arousing.

Marge: Did you make any money?
Bart: Not yet but at least I’m in a lot of pain.

Bart: Hey Martin, tell him what we do with squealers.
Martin tied up: I don’t know. Is it worse than what you do to people that have to go to the bathroom?

Blood Feud

I will not sleep through my education.

Homer: Marge, what’s my blood type?
Marge: A-positive.
Homer: Aw nuts. Extremely rare blood and I don’t have it.
Lisa: You know his blood type? How romantic.
Marge: A mother knows everything about her family.
Lisa: Oh yeah? What’s my shoe size?
Marge: 4b.
Bart: How many teeth do I have?
Marge: Sixteen permanent and eight baby.
Homer: Earmuffs?
Marge: XL.
Lisa: Rings?
Marge: I don’t want you wearing rings. It looks cheap. But three.
Bart: Allergies?
Marge: Butterscotch and imitation butterscotch.
Bart: And?
Marge: Glow-in-the-dark monster makeup.
Bart: Hm. Impressive.

Homer: I promised my boy one simple thing: lots of riches! And that man broke my promise!

Homer: Hello. My name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Postal Worker: Okay, Mr. Burns. Uh, what’s your first name?
Homer: I don’t know.

Bart: They always told me I was going to destroy the family, but I never believed it.
Lisa: That’s okay, Bart. Nobody really believed it. We were just trying to scare you.

Mr. Burns: Don’t you dare sully this moment with your pricetaggery!

About the Olmec head
Mr. Burns
: This gruesome customer is Xtapolapocetl. A god of war.
Bart: Awesome!
Lisa: No Maggie. Not Aztec. Olmec.

Homer: Save a guy’s life and what do you get? Nothing! Worse than nothing! Just a big scary rock.
Bart: Hey man. Don’t bad mouth the head.
Marge: Homer, it’s the thought that counts. The moral of the story is a good deed is its own reward.
Bart: We got a reward. The head is cool.
Marge: Well then I guess the moral is no good deed goes unrewarded.
Homer: Wait a minute. If I hadn’t written that nasty letter we wouldn’t have gotten anything.
Marge: Well. The I guess the moral is the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Lisa: Perhaps there is no moral to this story.
Homer: Exactly! It was just a bunch of stuff that happened.
Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days.
Homer: Amen to that.