The Simpsons The Simpsons Seasons

Season 21

2009.09.07    

Angela Bassett  Bob Costas  Dan Castellaneta  Dick Smothers  Hank Azaria  Harry Shearer  Jonah Hill  Julie Kavner  Marcia Wallace  Nancy Cartwright  Pamela Hayden  Randy Jackson  Ryan Seacrest  Sacha Baron Cohen  Sarah Silverman  Simon Cowell  Tom Smothers  Tress MacNeille  Wren T. Brown  Yeardley Smith

Homer the Whopper

The class hamster isn’t just sleeping

Bart: Excuse me, I just heard that before Spider-man was a movie, it was a comic book. Is that possible?

Movie Exec: Hey! Don’t blame us. Brett Ratner had final cut.
Comic Book Guy: I’m well aware of who had what cut.

Comic Book Guy: You! Are! Acceptable!
Homer: Great. You wanna see me naked?
Movie Exec: Oh, there’s no nudity in this movie.
Homer: What movie?

Bart Gets a “Z”

Chalkboarding is not torture

Bart: Maybe Mrs. K would be nicer if we “Irish up” her coffee.
Nelson: Put blood in it?
Bart: No. Booze!

Disco Stu: Disco Stu is about more than disco. I’m also—hunh!—super Christian.

Bart: Bookstores don’t have answers. They just have creepy guys sitting in easy chairs at the end of aisleways.
Moe: I ain’t paid for Doris Kearns Goodwin in my life and I ain’t gonna start now. Oh, that’s some good Doris there.
Milhouse: You’re right. I guess no one’s ever written a book about how to help a middle-aged woman turn her life around.

Bart: Look Mrs. K. I’m a Simpson. And a Simpson never gives up until he tries at least one easy thing.

The Great Wife Hope

I am not allergic to long division

Homer: There’s no better violence than self-inflicted violence!

Marge: Call me a killjoy, but I think that because this is not to my taste no one should enjoy it.

Chet Englebrit: That woman has natural breasts. This can’t be good.

Marge: If Gandhi could go without eating for a whole three-hour movie, I can do this.

Lisa: This goes against every feminist bone in my body, but Dad, can’t you control your woman?!
Homer: How can I control her? I have nothing to withhold!

Principal Skinner: In order to save money, the following presidents will no longer be taught: Buchanan. Fillmore. Pierce. Bush. Bush.

Chet Englebrit: That’s the first time I ever hit a woman I didn’t love.

Bart: Hey Lis. I don’t know when we’ll be in a septagon again. Wanna settle this bad blood that’s been going on between us since you were born?
Lisa: You’re on.

Treehouse of Horror XX

Homer: Lighten up, Ladies. It’s not cheating when you’re wearing a costume.

Bart: If I say criss cross one more time will that change your mind?
Lisa: Listen, you’re a persistent fellow, but I—
Bart: Criss cross!
Lisa: I’m in.

Lisa: You should have seen the look on Krabappel’s face.
Bart: You should have seen the look on Hoover’s face. In fact, here it is!
Lisa: You killed her?
Bart: Right! Like we agreed.
Lisa: I never said “kill”!
Bart: Yeah, ’cause you’re smart. You don’t say “kill”. You say “prank”. Like mom and dad say “snuggle” when what they really mean is “let’s lock the door and hug.”
Lisa: Well I didn’t kill Mrs. Krabappel.
Bart: So all you did was ring her doorbell and run?
Lisa: Yeah! Ding dong ditch!
Bart: “Ding dong ditch” means you kill her! Then you throw that ding dong into a ditch. Geez. Pick up a book.

Kent Brockman: I’m here at Krusty Burger for the launch of the highly anticipated Burger Squared. Krusty, can you tell us about this fantastic new sandwich?
Krusty: I’m glad you asked, Kent. We start with Grade A beef, feed that to other cows, then kill them and serve the unholy results on a seven grain bun. Burger Squared!
Homer: Math checks out.
Lisa: Cows eating cows? That’s an abomination.
Marge: Now Lisa, you’re a vegetarian but these cows have made a different choice.

28 Days Later…

Rainier Wolfcastle: Come with me if you want to live! {the Munchers devour him}
Homer: Another politician who can’t keep his promises.

Lisa: Dad, are you becoming a muncher?
Homer: I think the better brains is, are you brains a brains?

Marge: What kind of civilized people eat the body and blood of their savior?

Homer: Can you still love a man who’s half beer?
Marge: I always have.

The Devil Wears Nada

I do not have the hots for my mom

Marge: I call to order this meeting of the Springfield Charity Chicks. As you all know, last year’s cake and cookie sale raised $112 to fight childhood obesity.

Marge: I love this wine.
Photographer: Yeah, it’s Andalusian.
Marge: Well it seems real to me.

Marge: I’ve been pin-upped! And every month is me.

Carl: I love Paris—the women, the wine. Everything except their lame-o version of rock and roll.

Pranks and Greens

Halloween does not kick Thanksgiving’s ass

Skinner: I’ll grill your cheese yet, boy. You weren’t the first prankster to destroy the car I rent from Mother and you won’t be the last.
Bart: Rent?
Skinner: Rent to own.

Bart: Something happened. Something that changed Skinner and you!
Groundskeeper Willie: I haven’t changed. I’ve always been Swim Teacher Willie. And I always will be!

Andy Hamilton (Jonah Hill): Potato chip?
Bart: Hm. Wait a minute. Are there spring snakes in this can?
Andy Hamilton: No no no no no. Give me credit. It’s a real snake.

Lisa: This Andy sounds like kind of a loser.
Bart: How could someone so much like me be a loser?

Bart: Dad! Lisa’s making me see things from both sides again!
Homer: Lisa, I warned you about that.

Lisa: So now Andy’s a TV writer. Loser. Loooser.

Rednecks and Broomsticks

Teachers’ unions are not ruining this country

Homer: I hate traffic! The band and the phenomenon!

Homer: Oh! Why do my actions have consequences?

Cletus: You gonna shoot those Google Earth folks what caught me with my britches down.

Cletus about the still: This here’s my pride and joy. Old Betsy.
Homer: A female that gives birth to alcohol.

Bart: No no no. You’re too young to be a witch. Savor the steps leading up to it. College anorexic, string of bad marriages, career disappointments, failed pottery shop. And then when you’re old and alone you can hit the witch thing hard.

Ned: Just as I feared. Her Buddhism has led directly to witchcraft.

O Brother, Where Bart You?

Marge: Look how the snow glistens on the tiniest branches!
Bart: Yeah yeah. Miracles are all around us.

Bart: Alright, I’ll watch a DVD. There’s no way that runs on electrictity. {Marge groans} Really? Does Obama know about this?

Tom Smothers: Dick, you’re my brother and I love you.
Dick Smothers: Well I love you too, Tom. Thank you very much. But! If you hadn’t fought CBS they would never have fired us from our show.
Tom Smothers: Oh, they didn’t fire us, Dick.
Dick Smothers: They didn’t?
Tom Smothers: We quit.
Dick Smothers: We did not quit. They fired us.
Tom Smothers: You, you were fired. They didn’t—
Dick Smothers: They fired us from the show.
Tom Smothers: No, they fired you. They didn’t fire me.
Dick Smothers: Why wouldn’t they fire you?
Tom Smothers: Because they can’t fire The Yo-Yo Master!

Bart: Oh my god, I want a brother!
Lisa: You can have mine, but he’s kind of an idiot.

Bart: Dad, I want a baby brother.
Homer: Son, I love you kids. But I’m only going to the hospital one more time in my life and I ain’t coming out.

Homer: And I don’t have to tell girls how their bodies work because I don’t know.
Bart: You never told me how my body works.
Homer: Point and shoot.

Charlie: I’m your new baby brother!
Bart: Are you from the orphanage? Or do I really not understand how babies are born?

Thursdays with Abie

Grampa: A splash ’em up show? Reminds me of the time I high-dived into a damp sponge for the amusement of Federal Reserve Chairman Paul Volker.

Lisa: Slimu looks kind of uncomfortable.
Homer: Wouldn’t you be if you were a salt water fish in a fresh water aquarium?

Mr. Burns: …and that’s how you win an opium war.
Homer: Oh ho, great stuff. And the life lesson is?
Mr. Burns: The Yangtze River swallows all secrets.
Homer: Hm… I’m just gonna put haste makes waste.
Mr. Burns: Yes, although these days I can make neither haste nor waste.

Lisa: Bart, I’m losing my grip.
Bart: Put the rope in your teeth.
Lisa: What will that do?
Bart: It’ll shut you up.

Grampa: Well at least you never tried to kill me.
Homer: Just with indifference.

Grampa: I think you’re ready for your first ramble.
Homer: Oh, I’ve been waiting for this day for so long. The year is 1946. In a war-torn world, a single flower blooms. And that flower is an angry Japanese monster named Godzilla! How am I doing, Dad?
Grampa: I’m hanging on every word!
Homer: Fortunately there was one man who could help. Colonel Tom Parker. The Colonel took this monster, cleaned him up and put him on stage under the name The Rolling Stones. The first concert was a sellout. With many many many people eaten. But those that survived raved about the undeniable harmonies and brutally honest lyrics of what they had just seen.

Once Upon a Time in Springfield

The world may end in 2012 but this show won’t

Krusty: Hey, if my writers knew how to appeal to girls they wouldn’t be writers.

Guard: Why didn’t you try to stop him?!
One-armed Guard: I did once.

Mr. Burns: I’m afraid your daily donuts are no more.
Homer: You can’t do that.
Mr. Burns: Until Mr. Roosevelt’s New Deal starts working, this country’s still in a depression. I’m spending a fortune on atoms!

Krusty: Oh, why do clown things always happen to clowns?

Krusty: I work like I drink: alone. But with a monkey watching me.

Million Dollar Maybe

Bart: Can I just ask, who the hell says “po-tah-to”?
Homer: Songwriters that are stuck.

Mr. Burns playing Funtendo Zii: Wait, I’m shooting at Nazis? That’s not how I remember it.

Boy Meets Curl

Marge: This isn’t fair. I want romance.
Homer: What about bromance?
Marge: It’s not the same.
Homer: Dude!
Marge: I’m not a dude. I’m a hottie.
Homer: This bromance just got interesting.

Announcer: And now, in the Olympic spirit of peace and goodwill, we release the Canadian dove—the beaver!

Bart: Your dress is covered with pins.
Lisa: There is no dress. It’s just pins!

Bob Costas: Oh my, that delivery has less juice than Sunny Delight.

Lisa: I traded away my pearls. Without them I’m just a big Maggie!

The Color Yellow

Willie: Well done, boy!
Bart: Wait. Here comes the mykia.
Willie: What’s a mykia? {the stump falls on Skinner’s car}
Skinner: My Kia!

Homer: Yeah, the Simpson family is a long line of horse thieves, deadbeats, horse beats, dead thieves and even a few alcoholics.

Homer: If I were you I wouldn’t dig into the past. I lived in some of that past and I got out for a reason!
Lisa: I won’t give up. I have to know that somewhere in the muck and the mire and the Pittsburgh poisoners, this family had a noble start. And I will find it. Even if I have to go back to Adam and Eve.
Grampa: Oh, you mean Adam and Eve Simpson. Or as you may know them, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg.

Lisa: “Dearest Diary, Today I am the happiest girl in Springfield.”
Marge: See? All good.
Lisa: “Because tomorrow I shall get my very first slave.”

Virgil (Wren T. Brown): You look like you could use a little help.
Eliza Simpson: Actually I’m here to help you. Follow me north, to freedom.
Virgil: I don’t think so.
Eliza: Why? Because I’m young and I’m a woman?
Virgil: No, because you’re pointing south.
Eliza: Right, right. Sorry, it’s my first time.
Virgil: That’s okay. It’s my fourteenth.

Postcards from the Wedge

Marge: Then again, there’s only one way to get an accurate reading. Bart. Pants!
Lisa: Just close your eyes and think of Milhouse.
Marge: Yep. One-oh-three on the dot. You’re staying home.
Lisa: How did you— ?
Bart: I don’t want to talk about it.

Homer: Oh my, a child who doesn’t enjoy school! {picks up the phone} Hello Hollywood? You want to buy the rights to this incredible story? A million dollars? Deal! {hangs up} Oh… now I have to write it.

Lisa: Congratulations. You’re officially a sociopath.
Bart: Hey, at least I’m on a path.

Homer: After sex, I’m not talking to you!
Marge: Then there won’t be any sex!
Homer: You can’t sex fire me! I sex quit!

Stealing First Base

World War II could not beat up World War I

Bart: Damn, this caterpillar can eat!

Bart: Oh man you girls ruin everything. Even vampires.
Nikki (Sarah Silverman): Hey! Vampires are cool outsiders who love girls who hate cheerleaders.
Bart: No. They’re all about chomping neck. And they don’t put product in their hair like this loser.

Madison McKenna: Mr. Simpson, I’m a prosecutor. And my husband is a federal attorney, and neither of us is happy.
Homer: Well maybe you guys should look for easier jobs.

Bart: This is awesome! If only real life was in 3D.

Principal Skinner: So the lesson is, children—
Michelle Obama (Angela Bassett): I’ll tell them what the lesson is.
Superintendent Chalmers: He’s our Joe Biden.
Michelle Obama (Angela Bassett): Understood.

The Greatest Story Ever D’oh’ed

Ned: Now let us download the holy “tweet” of the Lord.
Mrs. Skinner: Stop making this relatable!

Ned: That man is beyond redemption.
Rev. Lovejoy: That might seem to be true.
Ned: I sense a “but” coming here, Reverend.
Homer outside: Here comes the butt!

Pickle: You have been chosen, Homer.
Homer: Chosen for what, Almighty Gherkin?
Pickle: Rise and listen, my child. Yours is a great destiny.
Homer: Pickle carrot tomato! Pickle carrot tomato!

Lisa: Dad, are you okay?
Homer: I am more than okay! I am the Messiah, come to save the world! Look upon me and shudder.
Bart: I already do that.

Jacob (Sacha Baron Cohen): I’m pushy? Please! You stay there, surrounded by your great enemy, Canada. Try Syria for two months. Then we’ll see who’s pushy.

American History X-cellent

Hot dogs are not bookmarks

Mr. Burns: And so our Employee of the Month is the late Roger Ducette. Who tragically died from complications due to union organizing.

Bart: I hate being stuck at home.
Marge: Play with Lisa!
Bart: Mom you don’t play with Lisa. You play despite her.

Guard doing inventory: Social security card.
Mr. Burns: That’s just an SS card, you dummkopf!

Guard: Time for a cavity search!
Burns: I haven’t had a cavity in over forty years.
Guard: I wasn’t talking about your teeth.
Burns: Nor was I.

Chief of Hearts

This counts as gym and art class

Bart: Hey, dinks. Whatcha dweebin’?
Partygoer: You don’t know Battleballs?
Partygoer: It’s a Japanese card game based on a cartoon based on an ancient religion based on a candybar.

Homer: No, I want to go to jail! Free food! Tear drop tattoos! Library books that come to you! I’ll serve anything but the community!

Homer: My wife can parm anything.
Chief Wiggum: My wife only parms on my birthday.

Homer: Drunk and Disorderly? That’s a little redundant.

Chalmers: We have reason to believe your son has been dealing drugs.
Marge: Dealing drugs? That’s impossible! He doesn’t have the math skills.

Chief Wiggum: Can you read me a story that you write yourself? It should be about an imaginary meeting between Babe Ruth and Hitler. But make no mention of baseball or Germany. And… begin.

Marge: Bart Simpson, are you a druggo?
Bart: What? No! Not until you raise my allowance.

The Squirt and the Whale

Je ne suis pas français

Homer: Tie it to my car and you’ve got a deal.
Wind Power Guy: Lars! Get the twine. You will not regret this.
Homer: I’m starting to regret it already.
Wind Power Guy: Too late. Lars got the twine.

To Surveil with Love

Nelson to Milhouse: Ha ha! You’re a spaz!
Lisa: That’s not true! First of all, Milhouse fell because you tripped him. Secondly, “spaz” is short for spastic diplegia, someone who suffers from a serious medical condition. Thirdly, your “ha ha!” through overuse, has lost its power.

Lisa: That’s a rather unambitious book.

Bart: Blond guys aren’t dumb. They’re evil. Like in Karate Kid or World War II.

Marge: That’s not Sesame Street. That’s a gay bar.

Flanders: Stop gleaming that cube!

Homer: Hey boy, whatcha doing?
Bart: Experimenting with my butt.
Homer: Heh heh heh. My little Einstein.

Homer: Remember how you wanted me to get that expensive operation? Well now I can afford a motorcycle!

Marge: It’s just plain wrong to use that blind spot to turn our backyard into a mecca of misdemeanors.
Ned: Blind spot!? Mecca?!

Moe Letter Blues

Eating my vegetables is not a Mother’s Day present

Manjula: What a great father, I say sarcastically.
Apu: If only that mark on your forehead was an off button.

Grandma Bouvier: It’s that Patty and Selma, there’s something evil about them. Do you know that they smoked when I was pregnant with them?

Moe: Think of it as a a wake-up call from a man who ain’t got nothin’ but a blow-up doll. And even she left me. I should not have used helium.

The Bob Next Door

Batman is not “nothing without his utility belt”

Cookie Kwan: Sorry, someone else has bought the house.
Homer: But my loan has already
been sold in pieces to banks, hedge funds and municipalities across the globe.

Marge: A lot of people sound like Sideshow Bob. Like Frasier on Cheers.
Homer: Or Frasier on Frasier.
Marge: Or Lieutenant Commander Tom Dodge in Down Periscope.

Homer: Oh! Nothing is ever boobs or ice cream.

Sideshow Bob: Blasted Wiggum! How did you find us?
Wiggum: You see Bob, Bart was never convinced you were Walt. So before he left for the game he called us and warned us to track you. Which we were able to do through the dashboard of your car.
Which like all hybrids is secretly monitored by the government.

Judge Me Tender

End of “LOST”: It was all the dog’s dream. Watch us.

Krusty judging the ugly dog contest: That one’s so ugly it reminds me of my ex-wife! {silence} That one reminds me of her lawyer…. congress… elderly drivers… commercials. Bella Abzug.

Homer: Watchin’ hockey. Watchin’ them pass that puck. Oh yeah.
Bar Patron: It’s lacrosse, idiot.

Bar Patron: Hey man, can you settle a bet? What was the greatest XFL team that never one a championship?
Homer: Uh… the Long Island Ice Teas?
Bar Patron: I think you want the gay bar across the street.

Simon Cowell: How do you like LA?
Moe: Oh it’s a hell of a city. It’s like someone stepped on New York and scraped it off on a beach.
Simon Cowell: Clever. Slightly nasty. Very impressive.

Grampa: Sure is hell to have your husband around all the time, ain’t it?
Marge: At least in hell the heat still works.

Moe: Simon? Huh. Was he really here or was it just my imagination?
Simon Cowell: I’m here. My black tee shirt makes me blend into the shadows. I’m here. I’m gone. I’m here. I’m gone. I’m here. I’m gone.
Moe: I get it. I get it. That’s your thing.

Ryan Seacrest: Okay. Randy, what did you think of that performance?
Randy Jackson
: A’ight, a’ight. You know what? I was feeling that, dog. Happy was very cool, right? But “birth” was definitely a little pitchy. But I gotta tell you something, you worked it out on “day”, man. And then when you hit that “to you”? Dude, that was the bomb. You blew out all the candles, baby.
Ryan Seacrest: If you think that answer was a “yes”. Text the number at the bottom of your screen. Giant secret charges may apply.

Moe: There is one bright side. I’m also forbidden from watching FOX.
Marge: You can’t even show it in the bar?
Moe: That’s right. And business has never been better.