The Simpsons The Simpsons Seasons

Season 5

1993.09.30    S05

Albert Brooks  Dan Castellaneta  Ernest Borgnine  George Harrison  Hank Azaria  Harry Shearer  James Woods  Joey Ramone  Julie Kavner  Kathleen Turner  Kelsey Grammer  Marcia Wallace  Michelle Pfeiffer  Nancy Cartwright  Pamela Hayden  Tress MacNeille  Werner Klemperer  Yeardley Smith

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Homer’s Barbershop Quartet

I will never win an Emmy

Homer: Junk … junk… the airplane’s upside down. Stradi-who-vius?

Marge: Your teenage son or daughter will think this wishbone necklace is really cool.
Man: I doubt my son or daughter is that stupid.

Skinner: We need a name that’s witty at first. But that seems less funny each time you say it.
Apu: How about the Be Sharps?

Homer: “There was nothing in Al Capone’s vault. But it wasn’t Geraldo’s fault.”

About the “Baby On Board” car sign
Marge: Look what I got. Now people will stop intentionally ramming our car.

President Reagan: Damn ceremonies. This is a time I could be working, Mommy.

Homer: We had fame and fortune. Now all we needed was the approval of record company lowlifes.

Bart: What’d you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus?
Homer: All the time. It was the title of our second album.

The Be Sharps perform on a building rooftop
George Harrison: It’s been done.

Cape Feare

The cafeteria deep fry is not a toy

Bart: This is horrible.
Lisa: The FOX network has sunk to a new low.

Bart: But who’d want to hurt me? I’m this century’s Dennis the Menace.

Chief Wiggum: I’d like to help you, ma’am. But I’m afraid there’s no law against mailing threatening letters.
Marge: I’m pretty sure there is.

Lisa: Bart! I figured it out. Who’s someone you’ve been making irritating phone calls to for years?
Bart: Linda Lavin?
Lisa: No, someone who didn’t deserve it.

Lawyer: What about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn’t it say, “Die Bart, Die.”?
Sideshow Bob (Kelsey Grammer): No! That’s German for “The Bart, The.”
Juror: No one who speaks German could be an evil man.
Parole Board: Parole granted!

Bart: I was wondering if you could sing the entire score of the HMS Pinafore.
Sideshow Bob: Very well, Bart. I shall send you to Heaven before I send you to Hell.

Chief Wiggum: It’s a good thing you drifted by this brothel!

Homer Goes to College

Mr. Burns: A watchdog of public safety. Is there any lower form of life?

Homer: So you want me to go to college?
Bart: College! Barber or clown?
Homer: Bart!

Lisa: “List your three favorite books and how they’ve influenced your life.”
Homer: Is TV Guide a book?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Son of Sniglet?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Katharine Hepburn’s Me?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Oh, I suck!

Homer: But nerds are my mortal enemy!
Lisa: Dad, nerds are nothing to fear. In fact they’ve done some pretty memorable things. Some nerds of note include popcorn magnate Orville Redenbacher, rock star David Byrne, and Supreme Court Justice David Souter.
Homer: Not Souter! Oh no!


Joey Ramone: Go to hell, you old bastard!
Mr. Burns: Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: But sir, those aren’t—
Mr. Burns: Do as I say!

Homer: I’ll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.
Lisa: I’d like to believe that this time. I really would.

Smithers: Look at all the wonderful things you have, Mr. Burns. King Arthur’s Excalibur. The only existing nude photo of Mark Twain. And that rare first draft of the Constitution with the word “suckers” in it.
Mr. Burns: Yes yes yes. So what?
Smithers: You want your bear Bobo, don’t you?

Pilot: You’ve got to start selling this for more than a dollar a bag. We lost four more men on this expedition.
Apu: If you can think of a better way to get ice I’d like to hear it!

Bart: Hey Apu, this bag of ice has a head in it!
Apu: Ooo! A head bag! Those are chockfull of… heady goodness.

Marge: I’m sure he’ll offer us a fair reward. And then we’ll make him double it! {everyone is shocked} Well why can’t I be greedy once in awhile?

Treehouse of Horror IV

Bart: Paintings. Lifeless images rendered in colorful goop. But at night, they take on a life of their own. They become portals to Hell, so scary and horrible and gruesome that—
Marge: Bart, you should warn people this episode is very frightening. Maybe they’d rather listen to that old War of the Worlds broadcast on MPR.
Bart: Yes, Mother.
Marge: Good! Now you hold Maggie. I’m going to buy earrings at the gift shop.

Homer: Stay calm. Remember your training. {checks the emergency procedures book} “Dear Homer, I.O.U one emergency donut. Signed Homer.” Bastard! He’s always one step ahead! I’d sell my soul for a donut.
Devil Flanders: That can be arranged.
Homer: Flanders! You’re the Devil?
Devil Flanders: It’s always the one you least suspect.

Mr. Burns: Who’s that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib.
Smithers: Prince of Darkness, sir. He’s your eleven o’clock.

Devil Flanders: Hey Bart.
Bart: Hey.

Ironic Punishment Division: I don’t understand it. James Coburn went mad in fifteen minutes.

Marge: Bart! Stop pestering Satan.

Devil Flanders: I give you the jury of the damned! Benedict Arnold. Lizzie Borden. Richard Nixon.
Nixon: But I’m not dead yet. In fact I just wrote an article for Redbook.
Devil Flanders: Hey listen, I did a favor for you.
Nixon: Yes, master.
Devil Flanders: John Wilkes Booth. Blackbeard the Pirate. John Dillinger. And the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers.

Bart checking his sheets: I hope this is sweat.

Homer: Lisa. Vampires are make-believe. Just like elves, gremlins and Eskimos.

Marge: Homer, we have to do something. Today he’s drinking people’s blood. Tomorrow he could be smoking.

Homer: Kill my boss?! Do I dare live out the American dream?

Marge on the Lam

Troy McClure: Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You might remember me from such telethons as Out with Gout 88 and Let’s Save Tony Orlando’s House!

Homer: Marge, this may be hard to believe, but I’m trapped inside two vending machines.

Rescuer: Homer, this is never easy to say. We’re going to have to saw your arms off.
Homer: They’ll grow back, right?
Rescuer: Oh. Yeah.
Homer: Whew!

Scientist: Are you just holding on to the can?
Homer: Your point being?

Ruth Powers: I envy you and Homer.
Marge: Thank you. Why?
Ruth Powers: If you ever met my ex-husband you’d understand. All he ever did was eat, sleep and drink beer.
Marge: Your point being?

Homer: Moe, get the darts. I wanna play.
Moe: No. We’re phasing out the games. People drink less when they’re having fun.

Ruth Powers: Marge, you’re the levelheaded friend I never had.

Bart’s Inner Child

Lisa: Dad, this one gesture almost makes up for years of shaky fathering.

Jimbo outside: Hey! No more trampoline!
Dolph: Let’s jump on the car instead.
Homer: Okay, apparently it was a bad idea.

Brad Goodman (Albert Brooks): There you have it. Unrehearsed testimonies from important celebrities. She’s one of my favorites. I loved her in the thing I saw her in.

Troy McClure: Oh hi! I’m Troy McClure. You might remember me from such self-help videos as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Confident, Stupid.”

Brad Goodman: As soon as you’re not a human being, you’re a human doing. Then what comes next?
Bart: A human going!

Bart: Lis, today I am a god.
Lisa: Is that why you’re sitting on an ice cream sandwich?
Bart: Ew.

Homer: Oh boy. If only Bart had been a better role model for everyone.
Marge: That’s not fair. The lesson here is that self-improvement is better left to people who live in big cities.
Lisa: No! Self improvement can be achieved, but not with a quick fix. It’s a long, arduous jurney of person and spiritual discovery.
Homer: That’s what I’ve been saying! We’re all fine the way we are.

Boy-Scoutz ‘N the ‘Hood

Apu: If you survive, please come again!

Bart: Woah! That’s good Squishee.

Bart: Okay. We’re young, rich and full of sugar. What do we do?
Milhouse: Let’s go crazy, Broadway-style!

Milhouse: Hey, don’t Bogart that Squishee!
Barney: I don’t know where you magic pixies came from, but I like your pixie drink.

Bart: What’s done is done. I’ve made my bed and now I’ve got to weasel out of it.

Ned: God speed, little doodle.

Ernest Borgnine: Well it sure is lucky we stumbled upon this old abandoned summer camp.

The Last Temptation of Homer

All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy

Martin: Oh, pick me, teacher. I’m ever so smart!

Lenny: Homer, what’s the matter?
Carl: Ain’t you never seen a naked chick riding a clam before?
Homer: Gotta go! {he rushes out of the room} What the hell was that? I probably shouldn’t have eaten that packet of powered gravy I found in the parking lot.

Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah?
Homer: See, I got this friend named… Joey Jo Jo… Junior… Shabadoo.
Moe: That’s the worst name I ever heard.
Joey runs out of the bar sobbing
Barney: Hey! Joey Jo Jo!

Mindy Simmons (Michelle Pfeiffer): I can see I’m gonna love working with you. Well, gotta go. I want to sneak in a quick nap before lunch.
Homer: Foul temptress! I bet she thinks Ziggy’s gotten too preachy too.

Homer: Colonel Klink! Did you ever get my letters?
Colonel Klink (Werner Klemperer): I’m not actually Colonel Klink. I’m just assuming his form.
Homer: Hee hee hee. Did you know Hogan had tunnels all over your camp?
Colonel Klink: Homerrrrr!

Homer: “You will find happiness with a new love.” Oh! Even the Chinese are against me. What’s the point. I can’t fight fate.
Meanwhile in the kitchen
Waiter: Hey, we’re out of these new love cookies.
Waiter: Well open up the “stick with your wife” barrel.

Mindy: What’s wrong?
Homer: Oh yeah, like you don’t know. We’re gonna have sex.
Mindy: Oh. Well, we don’t have to.
Homer: Yes we do.
The cookie told me so!
Mindy: Well. Desserts aren’t always right.
Homer: But they’re so sweet.

$pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling)

I will not say “Springfield” just to get applause

Homer: The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: That’s a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D’oh!

Lisa: Dad, you shouldn’t wear glasses that weren’t prescribed for you!
Homer: Lisa, just because you’re ten feet tall doesn’t mean you can tell me what to do.
Bart: I’m Bart.

Kent Brockman: Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.
Barney: I haven’t been able to find a job in six years!
Kent Brockman: Huh. And what training do you have?
Barney: Five years of modern dance, six years of tap.

Marge: In honor of legalized gambling, why not go as the state of Nevada?
Lisa: No. Nevada makes my butt look big.

Bart getting kicked out of the casino: By the way, your martinis suck!

Homer: Remember when I let that escaped lunatic in the house because he was dressed like Santa Claus? Well you have a gambling problem!
Marge: Homer, when you forgive someone you can’t throw it back at them like that.
Homer: Aw, what a gyp.

Homer the Vigilante

I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers

Lisa: Bart’s pain is funny, but mine isn’t. That saxophone was the one way I could truly express myself.

Apu: Thank you for coming! I’ll see you in hell!

Homer: So I said to him, “Look buddy. Your car was upside-down when I got here. And as for your grandma, she shouldn’t have mouthed off like that!”

Lisa: If you’re the police, who will police the police?
Homer: I dunno. Coast Guard?

Kent Brockman: Well it looks like we have our first caller. And I mean ever, because this is not a call in show.

Kent Brockman: Hello, you’re on the air.
Molloy (Sam Neill): Hello, Kent. Hello, Homer. My archnemesis.
Homer: Hello.
Molloy: Ah, you do realize who this is.
Homer: Ah… Marge?
Molloy: No Homer, I’m not your wife. Althouh I do enjoy her pearls.

Grampa: I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. There was something strange about the way he walked. Much more vertical than usual.

Bart Gets Famous

My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man

Bart: I know, I’ll just do like Lisa and escape into fantasy. {it doesn’t work} Damn TV, you’ve ruined my imagination! Just like you’ve ruined my ability to, ah…

Homer: You’ll have to speak up. I’m wearing a towel.

Krusty: Bart! I need to get your fingerprints on a candlestick. Meet me in the conservatory, chop chop.

Bart wrecking the set: I didn’t do it.

Fan: It’s that kid!
Fan: It’s the “I didn’t do it” guy!
Krusty: He’s mine! I own him. And all the subsidiary rights!

Lisa: This biography of Bart came awfully quickly. It’s not even about him!
Bart: Sure it is. Look at the cover.
Lisa: But inside it’s mostly about Ross Perot, and the last two chapters are excerpts from the Oliver North trial.
Homer: Ah, Oliver North. He was just poured into that uniform.
Marge: Hm…

Bart: I never thought I’d say this, but shouldn’t we be learning something?
Milhouse: Say the line, Bart!

Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
Homer breaks lamp: D’oh!
Bart: Aye Carumba!
Marge: Hmmm.
Maggie sucks her pacifier.
Flanders: Hidely-ho.
Barney burps
Nelson: Ha ha!
Burns: Excellent!
They all stare at her.
Lisa: If anyone wants me, I’ll be in my room.

Homer and Apu

I will not go near the kindergarten turtle

Martin: How much is your penny candy?
Apu: Surprisingly expensive.

Homer: You’re selling what now?
Apu: I’m selling only the concept of karmic realignment.
Homer: You can’t sell that! Karma can only be apportioned out by the cosmos. {he slams the door}
Apu: He’s got me there.

Marge: Ooh, Lisa! Is that too spicy for you?
Lisa: I can see through time!
Homer: Stop being such babies. You can’t be afraid to try new things. For instance, tonight I’m using a… Apu, what do you call this thing again?
Apu: A napkin.
Homer: Heh heh heh heh. Outrageous!

James Woods: Can I just ask you a question. Did you, did you believe that? The way I just gave you the change. Did I sould like a real Kwik-E-Mart kind of guy?
Jimbo: Actually I thought it was a little labored.

There she is. The world’s first convenience store.
Homer: This isn’t very convenient.
Must you dump on everything we do?

CEO of Qwik-E-Mart: You may ask me three questions.
Apu: That’s great, because all I need to know—
Homer: Are you really the head of Qwik-E-Mart?
CEO of Qwik-E-Mart: Yes.
Homer: Really?
CEO of Qwik-E-Mart: Yes.
Homer: You?
CEO of Qwik-E-Mart: Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you.
Apu: But I must ask—
CEO of Qwik-E-Mart: Thank you, come again.
Apu: But—
CEO of Qwik-E-Mart: Thank you, come again.

Homer: Apu, if it makes you feel any better, I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy

Lisa: “A hush falls over the General Assembly as Stacy approaches the podium to deliver what will no doubt be a stirring and memorable address.”
Malibu Stacy: I wish they taught shopping in school. {Lisa tries again} Let’s make some cookies for the boys.
Lisa: Come on, Stacy. I’ve waited my whole life to hear you speak. Don’t you have anything relevant to say?
Malibu Stacy: Don’t ask me. I’m just a girl.

Marge: Lisa, ordinarily I’d say you should stand up for what you believe, but you’ve been doing that an awful lot lately.
Bart: Yeah. You made us march in that gay rights parade.
Homer: And we can’t watch FOX because they own those chemical weapon plants in Syria.

Voiceover: Malibu Stacy. America’s favorite eight-and-a-half inches.

Lisa: It’s awful being a kid. No one listens to you.
Grampa: It’s rotten being old. No one listens to you.
Homer: I’m a white male. Age eighteen to forty-nine. Everyone listens to me! No matter how dumb my suggestions are.

Lisa: Excuse me. Ms. Lovell? I’d like to talk to you about Malibu Stacy.
Stacy Lovell (Kathleen Turner): Do you have any idea how many kids have tried to track me down?
Lisa: Am I the first?
Stacy Lovell: … Yes.

Ms. Lovell: What do you expect me to do?
Lisa: Change what she says. It’s your company.
Ms. Lovell: Not since I was forced out in 1974. They said my way of thinking just wasn’t cost-effective.
Lisa: That’s awful!
Ms. Lovell: Well that and I was funneling profits to the Viet Cong.

Ms. Lovell: You all have hideous hair! {everyone gasps} I mean from a design perspective.

Lisa: You know, if we get through to just that one little girl it’ll all be worth it.
Ms. Lovell: Yes. Particularly if that girl happens to pay
sixty-four thousand dollars for that one doll.
Lisa: What?
Ms. Lovell: Oh nothing.

Deep Space Homer

Homer: TV respects me. It laughs with me, not at me.

Homer: Hello, is this President Clinton? Good! If anyone knew where to get some Tang I figured it’d be you.

NASA Scientist: Sir, we’ve run into a serious problem. These Nielsen ratings are the lowest ever.

Reporter: Toby Hunter, Minneapolis Star. No really, is this a joke?
Scientist: No, Toby. And no more questions about whether this is a joke.

Marge: You know Homer, when I found out about this I went through a wide range of emotions. First I was nervous, then anxious, then wary, then apprehensive, then kinda sleepy, then worried, and then concerned. But now I realize that being a spaceman is something you have to do.
Homer: Who’s doing what now?

Lisa: Come on, Dad. You can make it.
Grampa: Oh, of course he’ll make it. It’s TV.

Homer: Maybe I do have the right… what’s that stuff?

Homer Loves Flanders

I am not delightfully saucy

Kent Brockman: If you have the fever, there’s only one cure. Take two tickets and see the game Sunday morning.
Voiceover: Warning: tickets should not be taken internally.
Homer: See, because of me now they have a warning.

Marge: Homer, that’s not God. That’s just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.
Homer: I know I shouldn’t eat Thee, but… mmm…. sacrilicious.

Homer singing: Nacho, Nacho man. I want to be a Nacho man.

Homer: They don’t call me Springfield Fats just because I’m morbidly obese.

Moe: Hey, I don’t want no people in here with their evils of alcohol crap.
Flanders: Wait a second. You’re the man at the hospital who reads to sick children.
Moe: If this gets out the next words you say will be muffled by your own butt.

Bart: Flanders are a bunch of geeks, man.
Homer: The Flandereses are not geeks! Okay, Rod and Todd are, and the wife has a thing for me. But she hides it behind a mask of low-key hostility.

Lisa: Don’t worry, Bart. It seems like every week something odd happens to the Simpsons. My advice is to ride it out, make an occasional smart aleck quip, and by next week we’ll be back to where we started from: ready for another wacky adventure.
Bart: Ay carumba!
Lisa: That’s the spirit.

Ned: Oh Lord, please give me the strength to endure Homer Simpson.

Wiggum: Where’s your Messiah now, Flanders?

Bart Gets an Elephant

Organ transplants are best left to the professionals

Marge: Stop remembering TV and get back to work!

Marge: Homer, it looks like it could gore.
Homer: Heh heh. It does look like Al Gore.

Marge: I really think this is a bad idea.
Homer: Marge, I agree with you. In theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.

Homer: Now I’ve had my head in an elephant, a hippo and a giant sloth.

Mrs. Lovejoy: That animal of yours is certainly bad-tempered.
Lisa: Yeah, well you’d be grumpy too if you were taken out of your natural habitat and gawked at by a bunch of slack-jawed yokels.
Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel: Hey Ma! Look at that pointy-hairded little girl!

Lisa: Mr. Blackheart?
Mr. Blackheart: Yes, my pretty?
Lisa: Are you an ivory dealer?
Mr. Blackheart: Little girl, I’ve had lots of jobs in my day. Whale hunter, seal clubber, president of the FOX Network.

Homer: D’oh!
Lisa: A deer!
Marge: A female deer.

Lisa: Dad! You’re sinking!
Marge: Get a rope, Bart.
Homer: Nah, that’s okay. I’m pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I’ll just reach in and pull my legs out. {his arms and legs are now stuck} Now I’ll pull my arms out with my face.

Burns’ Heir

The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan

Mr. Burns: Careful Smithers, that sponge has corners you know!

Mr. Burns: I have planned a far greater reward for you. When I pass on, you shall be buried alive with me.
Smithers: Oh. Goodie.

Homer: You’re our last hope, boy.
Bart: I really don’t want to be here, Dad! Besides, I started a fire this morning that I really should keep an eye on.

Marge: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Homer: Yeah. Let’s push him down the steps.

Mr. Burns: I suggest you get off my lawn.
Homer: Or what? You’ll release the dogs. Or the bees. Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you? Well go ahead! Do your worst.

Lionel Hutz: I’ve argued in front of every judge in this state. Often as a lawyer!

Marge about Hutz: You know, we should really stop hiring him.

Sweet Seymour Skinner’s Baadasssss Song

I will not celebrate meaningless milestones

Marge: How would you like it if twenty years from now people were laughing at things you did?
Bart: Not likely.

Willie: There’s nary an animal alive who can outrun a greased Scotsman.

Milhouse: This is great. Not only am I not learning, I’m forgetting stuff I used to know.

Bart: It’s weird, Lis. I miss him as a friend but I miss him even more as an enemy.
Lisa: I think you need Skinner, Bart. Everybody needs a nemesis. Sherlock Holmes had his Dr. Moriarty. Mountain Dew has its Mello Yello. Even Maggie has that baby with the one eyebrow.

Principal Skinner: One question remains: how do I get out of the army?
Bart: No problemo. Just make a pass at your commanding officer.
Principal Skinner: Done and done. And I mean done.

Superintendent Chalmers: God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion.

The Boy Who Knew Too Much

There are plenty of businesses like show business

Bart: Prison bus, Otto?
Otto: Regular school bus broke down. Now take a seat before I blow your heads off!
Lisa: Otto!
Otto: Huh, sorry. This bus and I have sort of a Shining thing going on.

Bart: Ah, the joys of mortgaging your future!

Quimby: Happy Birthday, Freddy. And may all your disagraces be private.

Bart: You see, Lisa, they don’t need my testimony.
Lisa: Only because Mayor Quimby is buying his nephew’s freedom.
Bart: Ah, the system works! Just ask Claus von Bulow.

Lady Bouvier’s Lover

I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball

Marge: Homer, you didn’t do a very good job frosting Maggie’s birthday cake!
Homer: What? It’s not Magaggie’s birthday?

Lisa: Doesn’t this family know any songs that aren’t commercials?

Troy McClure: Hello, I’m Troy McClure! You might remember me from such films as The Boatjacking of Supership ’79 and Hydro: The Man with the Hydraulic Arms.

Homer: 350 dollars! Now I can buy seventy transcripts of Nightline!

Marge: What about Abe Simpson? Don’t you have any feelings for him?
Mother Simpson: Aw, he’s a dear. But he’s too much of an old fusspot.
Marge: We’re all aware of Grampa’s problems, but compared to Mr. Burns, he’s Judge freaking Reinhold.
Mother Simpson: I don’t know who that is.

Secrets of a Successful Marriage

Five days is not too long to wait for a gun

Marge: If you feel so bad about yourself there’s always things you can do to feel better.
Homer: Take another bath in malt liquor?
Marge: There’s that. Or you can take an adult education course.

Homer: Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain! Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That’s because you were drunk!
Homer: And how.

Administrator: Oh, you’re married!
Homer: That depends. Is there another way to get this job?
Administrator: No. What I mean is, Mr. Simpson we may have a job for you after all. We need someone to teach a course on How to Build a Successful Marriage.
Homer: I’ll do it! Anything to get out of that house away from all that nagging and noise… of a family of love. La la la la.

Homer: Look everyone! Now that I’m a teacher I’ve sewn patches on my elbows.
Marge: Homer that’s supposed to be leather patches on a tweed blazer, not the other way around. You’ve ruined a perfectly good jacket.
Homer: Hup. Incorrect, Marge. Two perfectly good jackets!

Mrs. Krabappel: Marge dyes her hair?
Homer: Oh yeah. She’s been as gray as a mule since she was seventeen.

Marge: Homer, I really don’t like you telling personal secrets in your class.
Homer: Marge, I didn’t tell them personal stuff.
Marge: Today at the Kwik-E-Mart everybody knew I dyed my hair.
Homer: Oh. You mean about you.