The Simpsons The Simpsons Seasons

Season 27

2015.09.27    27

Dan Castellaneta  Hank Azaria  Harry Shearer  Julie Kavner  Kaitlin Olson  Kate McKinnon  Kelsey Grammer  Kristen Bell  Lena Dunham  Nancy Cartwright  Natalie Maines  Yeardley Smith

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Every Man’s Dream

Dr. Hibbert: First, you’re gonna need a spinal tap.
Homer Simpson: Please be the band. Please be the band.

Marge Simpson: Kids, a professional felt the best way for your father and me to work on our relationship was to give up on it.

Mr. Burns: Simpson! Where are your shoes?
Homer: Narcolepsy.
Mr. Burns: Sorry. Sorry.

Homer: I wish my head was filled with guacamole.

Candace (Lena Dunham): Do not take these with alcohol.
Homer: What if I’ve already been drinking and I don’t plan to stop?
Candace: Are you asking me out?

Cue Detective

Homer: If I don’t come home with a washing machine my wife will be so mad. Should I do the thing I’m supposed to do or the thing everybody knows I’m going to do?

Homer: I made them all for you.

Scotty Boom: I’m Scotty Boom and I’m challenging you to an eat-down!
Homer: What’s that? Some kinda eat-down?
Scotty Boom: It’s my new show where I use my big time New York City chef skills to obliterate amateur cooks.
Homer: Who would wtch such a one-sided farce? I’m in.

Lisa Simpson: Okay, look for clues. Are there any local mud samples that we can trace to local heaths and moors. {beat} Sorry. I’ve been watching a lot of Sherlock.

Marge: Come on. Buddhists aren’t quitters.
Lisa: Actually Mom, Buddhism is really just quitting in yoga pants.


Halloween of Horror

The Day Before Halloween

Homer: Oo. Mariachi skeletons. They’re spooky but they also teach you about Mexico.

Pop-up Worker: You’re gonna be real sorry for getting us fired.
Homer: I’m sorry now.
Pop-up Worker: Yeah. You’re gonna be.
Homer: I said I’m sorry now.
Pop-up Worker 2: We said you’re gonna be.
Homer: I know when I”m sorry and I’m sorry now. You guys don’t know me at all.

Halloween Day

Marge: Homer, I think we should take down Everscream Terrors.
Homer: What the—? We can’t! I’m the Mozart of Halloween decorations and tonight is the Super Bowl.

Homer: Look, I don’t want to be rude, but you sad losers should go suck somewhere else.

Treehouse of Horror XXVI

Wanted: Dead Then Alive

Sideshow Bob: It seems the only thing that made me happy in my accursed life was killing you. Well. If white zinfandel can make a comeback, so can you.

Sideshow Bob: I feel like a bad New Yorker cartoon.


CBG: Now we will no longer have anyone floating donuts uselessly in the ocean. They have made our fish fat and ugly. Pathetic.

Homerzilla: D’oh-jo!

Movie Exec: We’ll make millions! After spending hundreds of millions!

Telepaths of Glory

Lisa: We’ve got to save him!
Bart Simpson: Fine. You’ll follow me with a camera, right? Because the important thing these days is everything must be on film.

Homer: You know this is an ASCAP household. God gave you this power for good, not Jazz.

Kang: Once again we only have a cameo.
Kodos: Don’t complain or they’ll put us in 4:3. {4:3} No!
Kang: Just because it looks like season 4 doesn’t make it season 4.

Friend with Benefit

Harper (Kristen Bell): I’m Harper. Just moved here. Trying to make friends.
Lisa: I’m Lisa. Always lived here. Trying to make friends.

Homer: If there’s anything that has true wisdom it’s crowds.

Rich Texan: I don’t give handouts to poor people. It’s not in the spirit of self-made Americanism. As espoused by Russian weirdo Ayn Rand.

Drederick Tatum: Remember when we were A-list?
Rainier Wolfcastle: It all went south for me when I got that DUI and said all those things I secretly believe.

Lisa with an “S”

It’s November 6th–how come we’re not airing a Halloween show?

Homer: Listen, Lady, you can’t take a daughter from a mother unless you’re a bigger star and this is a third world country!

Bart: Mom, if you have any doubts how a showbiz kid turns out, just look at all of them!

Moe: Cheering for someone getting a word right. That is a low bar.

Paths of Glory

At the Alternative Energy Derby
Chalmers: Children! Start your engines.
Lisa: They’re not engines. That’s the whole point of this thing.
Chalmers: Just go.

Lisa: Let me try this again: will you help me break in to an abandoned insane asylum?

Bart: Sociopath? That’s they what they think I am? Fine. I’ll pretend to be the biggest sociopath in the world. And I only need to change three answers.


Marge: So how was your camping trip with your father?
Bart: It was okay. We got lots of Starwood Points at the hotel.
Marge: Oh! My thrifty pioneers.

Marge: First no more ¡Ay, caramba!, now this.
Bart: Mom, don’t have a—
Marge: “Have a cow, man”?
Bart: I was gonna say, Don’t have a foolish attachment to the past.

Milhouse: In college I’m gonna reinvent myself. I’ll pretend I have a girlfriend in Canada. I’ll say she lives in Alberta and her name is Alberta. So I don’t have to remember two lies.

The Girl Code

Quinn Hopper (Kaitlin Olson): Well look what we got here. One Silicon Sally in a room full of dongle donkeys.
Lisa: I just wanna learn coding.
Quinn: You think I’m going to give you special treatment just because you ride a pink bike? Well I am. Hit the front row, sister.

Burns: Wordplay is for crosswords and Kazurinskys. We produce atomic energy. We can’t joke about the “m” word. How many people have seen this hate speech?
Smithers: Oh I don’t know. 55?
Burns: A baker’s half hundred. Good lord!

Homer: I hate the modern world and all its made up words! Siri, tell Amazon to drone me a beer.

Teenage Mutant Milk-Caused Hurdles

Apu: I know you have concerns, but this video will gloss over all of them.
Homer: It better.

Bart: I’ve got a starter ‘stache! Next I’m a loser. Then I’m a creep. Then I’m a perv. I’ve gotta buy a van.

Skinner: You do not have to tutor this boy under the new One Child Left Behind law.