The Simpsons The Simpsons Seasons

Season 22

2010.09.26    

Bret McKenzie  Cheech Marin  Dan Castellaneta  Daniel Radcliffe  David Copperfield  David Mamet  Hank Azaria  Harry Shearer  Jemaine Clement  Joe Mantegna  Julie Kavner  Marcia Wallace  Martha Stewart  Martin Landau  Nancy Cartwright  Pamela Hayden  Paul Rudd  Penn Jillette  Ricky Gervais  Ricky Jay  Teller  Tommy Chong  Tress MacNeille  Yeardley Smith

Elementary School Musical

When I slept in class it was not to help Leo DiCaprio

Homer: It’s 4am. You kids should have been in bed a half hour ago.

Kent Brockman: And now to comment on joining the ranks of Martin Luther King, Gandhi and Desmond Tutu, here’s the man who always parks in my spot, Krusty the Klown.

Ethan: Don’t question me in front of the children.
Kurt: She can’t hear us. We’re stage whispering.
Lisa: I can hear you.
Kurt: No, you can’t.

Krusty: What’s going on? Where’s my Nobel Prize?
Officer: There is no prize. It was merely a rouse to get you to Europe. So we could try you for the terrible crimes you’ve committed on this continent.
Krusty: It was all a setup. You gotta read me the charges!
Officer: You dropped a monkey from the Eiffel Tower.
Krusty: Uh huh.
Officer: In Greece you committed something called “Aggravated Hey Hey”.
Krusty: Forgot about that one.
Officer: And here in Holland you stole the entire act of our beloved clown Von Krusten.

Otto: What’s the matter, Lisa? You’re usually the first one off of this death trap.

Kurt: In a way, I think we learned more from her than she did from us.
Ethan: Yeah, well, obviously. Because we taught her nothing.

Loan-a-Lisa

I did not see teacher applying for welfare

Homer: No fair. We just went to church.
Bart: Yeah, so we’ve already heard stories from thousands of years ago about stuff that didn’t happen.

Marge: Is that the cat in there?
Homer: It’s a cat. I wouldn’t say it’s the cat.

Homer about the Marc Frederich’s bag: After Bart, that bag’s the best mistake we ever made.

Skinner: I hear he’s doing quite well with his bicycle pimpery.

Homer: Maybe I’ll just come back during someone else’s shift. Is Claire working today? She’s a real sucker.

Homer: You’ll never get me! {he runs off… and then saunters back in} I have to sign a release so you can broadcast this, right? {signing} And initial there… and… Never! {…} Can you tell me when this going to be on? I’m thinking of having a party.

MoneyBART

I must not write all over the walls

Dahlia Brinkley: Two clubs? Well that’s a bridge bid, not an Ivy League application.

Marge: Sweetie, you could still go to McGill. The Harvard of Canada.
Lisa: Anything that’s the something of the something isn’t really the anything of anything.

Bart: But without a coach, we can’t play!
Marge: Homie, maybe you could do it.
Homer: Sorry Marge. Last time I stepped on a baseball field I got tazed.
Marge: You know, some day these kids will be out of the house and you’ll regret not spending more time with them.
Homer: That’s a problem for Future Dad. Man, I don’t envy that guy.

Lisa: Look. If you want to play liability-insured baseball, I’m your only shot.

Nelson: Get a room, you two!
Lisa: We’re brother and sister.
Milhouse: So are my parents. I think.

Lenny: I hate guys that just push buttons all day.
Carl: You just push buttons all day.
Lenny: You know ever since Obama’s come in you’ve got all the answers, don’t you?

Lisa: Hot streaks are a statistical illusion!
Bart: I wish you were a statistical illusion.
Lisa: Well there’s a ninety-seven percent chance that I’m not, so do what I say.

Treehouse of Horror XXI

Frink: Welcome precious prime time viewers, valued internet downloaders and scary digital pirates.

War and Pieces

Bart: Hey, I’ve never seen this one before.
Milhouse: Satan’s Path?
Bart: Hey, it’s gotta be good if Satan put his name on it. Here. I’ll be the demon, you be the thimble.
Milhouse: Oh! I’m always the thimble.

Homer playing Drops and Risers: Oh man, I’m never coming down…. Woo hoo! Another ladder. Ridin’ high!… Sinkin’ Low! … Top of the heap! Back down I go… On top for good! Oh, cruel hubris!

Bart: There comes a time to beat the crap out of childish things.

Master and Cadaver

Marge: Why did you do that?
Homer: It was poison!
Marge: No, it wasn’t.
Homer: Well it was rhubarb.

Homer: They should call this one Recipe for Murder.
Marge: What do you mean, “this one”?
Homer: Never mind.

tweenlight

Edmund (Daniel Radcliffe): You have beautiful eyes.
Lisa: They’re just dots and circles.

Lisa: Edmund’s almost here so please, nobody be themselves.
Homer: I know, I know. Don’t serve garlic, don’t stab your guest in the heart with a wooden stake. Don’t ask him if he knows Frankenstein. It’s racist somehow.

Lisa: I can’t spend eternity using kid scissors. They barely cut anything.

Homer: Pretty ironic, a cross being used to kill someone.

Lisa Simpson, This Isn’t Your Life

Krusty: It’s Texxon’s way of saying, “Sorry about those million dead pelicans.”

Homer: Heh heh heh. Maggie, you can’t climb into the TV. If you could, I’d make Alex Trebek answer some questions.

Homer: No child of mine will go without anything ever! Except quality healthcare.

Nelson: You think you’re so smart, don’t you Simpson?
Bart: We’re both in the same reading group. I think you know how smart I am.

Lisa: Cloisters Academy? That bus could pick me up any day of the week.

Lisa: Lord Buddha, I know I’m not supposed to want stuff, but come on!

Bart: A kid at school’s going to beat me up.
Marge: Is it Milhouse?
Bart: Milhouse couldn’t beat me up.
Marge: Are you sure? He’s having a growth spurt.
Bart: It’s not Milhouse!
Marge: Is it a girl?
Bart: It’s Nelson!
Marge: Hm. I never figured him for the bully type. Well if he’s got you cornered and Milhouse isn’t there to help you, there’s only one way out. Make him feel good about himself.
Bart: How do I do that?
Marge: I don’t know. Compliment his glasses.
Bart: It’s not Milhouse!

Ms. Marshall: Hi Lisa. I’m Ms. Marshall, and I’m your teacher.
Lisa: Well, I am so happy to be in your class.
Ms. Marshall: No, I’m your teacher. I only teach you. Your short story about the lonely pony? Gripping.
Lisa: Did you get that the pony was actually me?
Ms. Marshall: It hit me the next day, and I read the whole thing again. I thought we’d start this semester by turning this into a novel.
Lisa: Self-published?
Ms. Marshall: Real-published.
Lisa: Oh!

Nelson: This is it, Simpson. After this your nose will not be an outie.

The Fool Monty

FOX News: Not Racist, But #1 with Racists

FOX News Copter crashing: We’re unbalanced! It’s not fair!

Head Exec: I’d like to call to order this secret conclave of America’s media empires. We’re here to come up with the next phony baloney crisis to put Americans back where they belong. In dark rooms glued to their televisions, too terrified to skip the commercials.
NBC: Well I think—
Head Exec: NBC you are here to listen and not speak!

Introducing the Kitty Melt
Krusty: You know, I don’t know when this was ever a good idea.

Burns: I’m warning you. You are making a very powerful temporary enemy.

Burns: Smithers, I want to die quietly. On my own terms. Crushing as many of those baby sea turtles as I possibly can.

Bart: Look, I know you’re cool now, but my dad hates you more than celery and my mom said no new pets. So I’m hiding you in my room.

Burns: Oatmeal accept premise.

Sgt. Activity: “Attack during their sacred holiday.”

Lisa: A little tired of revenge, are we?
Homer: Yeah. I’ve done all I can do with that medium.

How Munched Is That Birdie in the Window?

“A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving” is as good as “A Charlie Brown Christmas”

Lisa: Yes, I believe I have your pigeon—Raymond Bird—and I need to know how to return him to you.
Pigeon Guy: He’s a homing pigeon, girlie. Why don’t you let him fly home. Unless you want to spring for a limo.
Lisa: Yes. He could fly home, except that he has a broken wing. Perhaps you and your sarcasm could come to Springfield and retrieve him.

Bart: Just what is it in my long, sad history with frogs makes you think I can take care of a bird?

Bart: Wow, Ray. You have hidden talents.
Homer: Is he good at tic-tac-toe like that chicken I played, lost to and ate at the State Fair?

Homer: Why can’t you support my gibberish? I’d do it if you were stupid!

Lisa: It’s amazing how I can feel sorry for you and hate you at the same time. I’m sure there’s a German word for it.

The Fight Before Christmas

Marge: Lisa, what are you doing?
Lisa: Marking a crime scene! To celebrate an ancient pagan ritual, this tree was cut down and tarted up like a dime-a-dance floozy! {pulls out a Fir is murder! sign}
Marge: Next you’ll have a problem with my gingerbread house.
Lisa: You mean your gingerbread McMansion!
Homer: Hey, show some respect. Three gingerbread workmen died making this!

Bart dreaming: Bowlful of jelly, pump lead in his belly.

Elf Moe: Kid, you got a lot of shoddy, money-saving ideas. Like a major airline, but you were here on time.

Bart: Listen here, Kringle, I may have been naughty this year. But by today’s standards, naughty’s nothing. I didn’t get anybody pregnant, I didn’t Facebook a kid to death. Make with my dirt bike!
Santa Krusty: Kid, this company’s bust. For years I’ve been giving out free toys and getting cookies in return. It’s not a sustainable business model.

Patty: Simpson, you’re shipping out tonight.
Marge: Right before Christmas?
Patty: Hitler doesn’t take a holiday!
Selma: Well he does, but he doesn’t tell people until the last minute so they can’t make plans.
Patty: Bastard.

Lisa with a toy elephant and a copy of The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich: This is the last time I bring these two to bed at the same time.

Martha Stewart: Wake up, Marge. Magical memories don’t make themselves.
Marge: Martha Stewart! How did you get in here?
Martha Stewart: A picket fence, stood on its end, makes a sturdy and attractive ladder.

Martha Stewart: You boys want to play soldier?
Bart: I can’t think of a better way to spend Jesus’ birthday.
Milhouse: I’m not sure I like where this is going.
Martha Stewart: Well I’m not sure anyone asked your opinion. {she tapes over their mouths.}

Lisa: Ms. Stewart, I made a star for the tree out of discarded water bottles.
Martha Stewart: Lovely, dear. Except I would have soaked the labels off with warm water. Then I would have melted the plastic down in a double-boiler and poured it into a candy mold. And finally, I wouldn’t have presented it quite so proudly.
Lisa: I’ll go outside and make snow angels.
Martha Stewart: Lie face down, and your beautiful smile will be molded into the snow.
Lisa: Okay.

Marge: Martha, the house looks beautiful. It’s like Christmas with a childless gay couple.

A Fluppet Christmas Special
Mr. Burns: Last night I had a visit from three spirits.
Grampa (Waldorf): I wish this show had a visit from three new writers.

Donnie Fatso

Merry Christmas from FOX News. But no other holidays.

Candy canes are not elf bones

Moe: I’m going to chop you into little pieces and make you into a Rubix Cube! Which I will never solve!

Moe: Eh. It was either this or put in a ladies room.

Homer: This is horrible! I keep smelling my own breath.

Fat Tony: To heterosexual male friendship! The kind the Greeks wrote about.

Fat Tony: In the strip club of my heart, you held the key to the champagne room.

FBI Agent: Homer, I just want to say that, of all the rat bastards we’ve had working for us, you were the snitchiest.

Homer: Fat Tony!
Fit Tony: No, I’m his cousin from San Diego. “Fit” Tony.
Homer: Wow. I’ve never seen a mobster use a track suit for exercising.

Homer: What kind of a world is this?
Fit Tony: It’s pretty screwed up. That’s why I keep my friends close.
Homer: And your enemies closer?
Fit Tony: No. Why would I do that? If they were close they would kill me.

Homer: …I’m just an average schnook like everyone else. Stuck in this backwater burg where all you can count on is your family. And the only one who ever shot anyone is the baby. I have to admit. It’s a pretty good life.

Moms I’d Like to Forget

January is not Bart History Month

Nelson: I hate you fifth graders!
Martin: I deem this victory Pyrrhic.
Fifth Grader: Your response is puerile!
Fifth Graders: Puerile! Puerile!

Bart: …and absolutely no Brazilian hardwood.
Fifth Grader: Is this a rumble or a Harvest dance?
Bart: Okay, you want hardwood?
Fifth Grader: No no!
Bart: Then let’s do this thing.

Bart: Are you sure none of you guys gave me this?
Kearney: I’m going through my bully logbook here, but I just don’t see it.
Jimbo: Don’t be afraid to use your glasses.

Bart: Ah, such an innocent time. Before cooties ravaged our community.

Bart: Woah, you don’t look like a mom. You look happy.

Marge: Maybe we could get back together.
Bart: Awesome! I’ll get the white wine.
Marge: You can’t buy white wine.
Bart: Why not? Are you having red meat?

Dr. Hibbert: Listen are you going to see him now? Give him some news for me. Tell him it’s the Worst. Prognosis. Ever.

Bart: All right, Comic Book Guy. Tell me my origin story.

Lisa: Can we hurry this up? I am really uncomfortable being a girl in this store!

Flaming Moe

Smithers: Sir, the shifts are fighting like Iran and Iraq!
Burns: Who?
Smithers: Persia and Mesopotamia.

Moe: Frankly I’m surprised you’re not across the street. Where they have fun. Instead of here, where a horrible addiction compels you.

Homer: Wait a minute. Your standard mark-up is four hundred percent?
Moe
: Gimme that! Don’t you dare question the Gospel According to Dr. Swig McJigger. He’s drinking his own brains.

Mr. Largo: Honey, just teach the one with the starfish head and you’ll be okay.

Marge: You know this is the first time I’ve ever been at Moe’s without that little voice in the back of my head saying, “This is not a safe place to drink.”

Pride Day at Krustyland: This makes up for years of slurs!

Bart: What am I doing here, Seymour? The thing I’m planning hasn’t even gone off yet. {Willie falls into a pit}. That wasn’t me and you’re my alibi.

Patty: The city won’t let us march in the Springfield Founder’s Parade.
Moe: Well who needs ’em. We can have our own parade.
Julio: We do. We have like twenty of them.

Moe: Like all gays I find myself attracted to all men.
Comic Book Gay: Most. Insidious. Stereotype. Ever.
Julio: You’re cute. You wanna go out later?
Comic Book Gay: Who ever said that, yes.

Bart: What happened?
Principal Skinner: Well, it could have been a day and it could have been the rest of my life.
Bart: And?
Principal Skinner: It was only a day.
Bart: You’ve been gone for three months.
Principal Skinner: Groovy.

Homer the Father

Prince is not the son of Martin Luther King

Voiceover: Filmed before a live studio audience.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Everyone in that studio audience is dead now.

Homer: Life was so much easier when a machine told you when to laugh.

Bart: I think I just met the thing I’m gonna die on.

Homer: When you get anything you want, you don’t want anything you get.
Bart: What is this crap? Are you wearing a wire?

Bart: Does he give you money for getting good grades?
Lisa: I’ve been doing the family’s books for years. I take what I need.

Digby Sheridan: Crap. Total crap. You! Writer! What’s your name?
David Mamet: Um. David Mamet.
Digby Sheridan: Well, “Mr. Mamet.” Why don’t you *bleep* learn how to *bleep* write a *bleep* script!
David Mamet: Hm. “*bleep*.” I could use that. {writing “Glengarry Glen Ross: Act One”}

Marge: Maybe you shouldn’t listen to a thirty year old TV show that only got on the air because the creator had evidence the network president ran over a guy.

Homer about the subtitles: I know what you’re saying. I understand food talk in every language.

The Blue and the Gray

I will not make fun of Cupid’s dink

Dr. Kissingher: If you’re watching this alone, your love life is like Sister Act 3. No Whoopi!

Hairdresser: Marge, it’s time I told you the truth. You’ve been grayer than a Seattle Cinco de Mayo for years now.
Marge: Really?
Hairdresser: Yes, the dye not only colors your hair but the fumes wipe the experience from your mind.

Homer: So basically my job is to make you look good by comparison. Like West Virginia does for Virginia.

Mrs. Krabappel: I hope I look half as good as you when I give up.

Lisa: I can’t take it. I’m just going to draw a hairline on.

Lisa: Mom, your choice to go back to blue is so empowering.
Marge: But you said going from blue to gray was empowering.
Lisa: Well as a feminist, virtually anything a woman does is empowering.
Marge: Oh.
Homer: Is my job creating power empowering?
Lisa: No. It’s oddly dehumanizing.

Angry Dad: The Movie

Homer: Stupid kid, all you do is cost me money. Money I could be wasting.

Bart: That’s Angry Dad! The semi-autobiographical web cartoon I created!
Homer: I legally forced him to say “semi.”

Bart: My stupid cartoon? A movie? Thank you!
Herman Milgood: Oh, don’t thank me. Thank Hollywood for being completely out of good ideas.
Homer: My little Roman Polanski.
Marge: Homer!
Homer: What? What’s wrong with being Polanski? {she whispers in his ear} He what?! You monster!

Homer: Don’t feel bad, boy. Everyone makes mistakes. Yours is just public and expensive.

Under a photo of Ricky Gervais
Do not allow this man to host.

Rolling 80: Hey, you two are honorary members for life. That means if any other gang sees you, they’ll kill you.

Ricky Gervais: What do you think?
Not-Ridley Scott: I’m a seat filler.
Ricky Gervais: Well why didn’t you say that a minute ago? Don’t take any of my ideas.

The Scorpion’s Tale

I’m not here on a spitball scholarship

Park Ranger: This park’s environment has been preserved free of invasive species. Except for one. Rock climbers.

Nelson: Bart, this is Fools Porn. I’ll take it off your hands. {goes behind cactus} C’est si bon! Si bon! Si bon! And… remorse.

Lisa: Now they’re aggressive again! I’m sure there’s a correlation. But could there be a… causation?

Bart: Cool! Are they robots?
Suitcase Suzy: No. Robots can develop human feelings. We’re graduates of Arizona State.

Otto: You sell drugs. Why can’t you dress like that?
Dealer: Because I use them too, idiot.

A Midsummer’s Nice Dream

“Daylight Savings” is not a failed bank

Kent Brockman: The Queen will be held without bail until the sample is returned from the lab.

Chong: And what is rain, man? It’s like we’re in the apartment under God and his fat sister overflowed the tub.

Kent Brockman: Now these homegrown heroes will kick off their summer tour at Squidport’s new amphitheater, The Clampitheater. The eight hundred million dollar boondoggle based on nothing more than a cute play on words.

Bart: Who the hell are Cheech and Chong?
Homer: Bart! Cheech and Chong were the Beavis and Butthead of their day.
Bart: Who are Beavis and Butthead?
Homer: I’ve failed as a parent. I swore the day my son was born he would appreciate stoner comedy. To the media room!

Marge: What are you guys doing up there?
Homer: Ack! Hide the dope!
Bart: We don’t have any dope.
Homer: Then what did I just smoke?

Homer: I can’t do reefer comedy. I’m drunk! Too different animals.

Homer: Do I get to meet Dave?
Cheech Marin: There is no Dave.
Homer: How about Don Johnson?
Cheech: It’d be easier to meet Dave.

Homer: Can we at least get some french fries?
Cheech: Too high in trans fats.
Homer: Stop speaking Spanish.

Marge: I’m not a hoarder! Do the Yankees “hoard” pennants? Does Marrakech hoard intrigue?

Bart: How now mad spirits! / Before we part
’Tis I! Mischievous and puckish Bart
Twas not I the players did disturb
Twas the doings of a green naughty herb
The gods have righted every wrong
Cheech the Stoner has his Chong
And Homer, he is back with Mom
You can watch us tomorrow at hulu.com

Knock knock
Chong: Who is it?
Cheech: It’s me, Dave, man. Open up. I got the stuff.
Chong: Who?
Cheech: Dave, man.
Chong: Dave’s not here.
Homer: Hold on, let me get the door. Who are you?
Cheech: It’s Dave, man.
Chong: You ruined it, man. You weren’t supposed to open the door.
Homer: Oh! Okay, wait. Let me start again. I’ll be out here with you.

Love Is a Many Strangled Thing

I will not ridicule teacher’s Final Four bracket

Burns: Help! Curtail my ascent! Curtail it, I say!
Homer: Hey, Burns needs our help.
Carl: Yeah, let’s just shoot at him and see what happens.

Lisa: Wow. I know I laid down in front of bulldozers to stop this stadium from being built, but I have to admit it’s pretty sweet.

Homer: I hope you kids are enjoying yourself today, because you and your children will be paying for this place long after the team moves to another city.

Homer: Come on, party pooper. Bust a move!
Bart: Meh. This song’s a little bossy for me.

Marge: You destroyed our son’s self-esteem.
Homer: Well it was your idea to give him self-esteem in the first place.

Dr. Zander (Paul Rudd): Homer, to emphasize the seriousness of this situation, I’m going to turn my chair around backwards.

Dr. Zander: I believe we’ve made excellent progress here today. And after another few more years of twice weekly sessions we can really—
Homer: Um… I lied about having health insurance.
Dr. Zander: And you’re cured.

Bart: You couldn’t get into Random House if your name was Bennet Cerf the Third.

Marge: Whatever you did to my husband, it was too effective.
Dr. Zander: Hm. Yes. One of the most common complaints of therapy.

The Great Simpsina

Homer: Masseuses. The half-doctors half-hookers who solve everything.

Lisa: How’d I get from over there to over here?
Raymondo (Martin Landau): Because this is a house of magic.
Lisa: Sounds like most of the house is still owned by the bank.

Raymondo: Well I guess I could teach a girl. Blackstone taught a monkey.
Lisa: I’m not exactly flattered by that.
Raymondo: You should be. That monkey wound up with eighteen car dealerships.

Raymondo: Any idiot with a soul patch and a deck of cards thinks he’s a magician.

Raymondo: Now the first thing you must do is make me a vodka tonic.
Lisa: You’re out of tonic.
Raymondo: That won’t be a problem.

Homer: Lisa, don’t feel bad. Judas betrayed Jesus but he still got paid.

Lisa: I guess it’s up to me to save you, Cregg Demon, Magic Freak.
Ricky Jay: You ain’t saving nobody demon nothing freak!
Lisa: Ricky Jay? David Copperfield? Penn! {gasps} Teller.
David Copperfield: We switched the trick milk can with a regular milk can.
Lisa: But why?
Penn: Because when he—
Teller: Quiet! You talk on stage, I talk off stage. That was the curse the witch put on us.

Lisa: I know he’s an unethical magician and his tattoos are an inconsistent mix of hieroglyphs and cuniforms, but he doesn’t have to die!

Penn: Woah. My ponytail’s been burnt. Teller, the witch’s curse is broken!
Teller: Penn, there never was a curse.
Penn: You’re a real jerk, you know that?

The Real Housewives of Fat Tony

Lisa: Bart, this is a truffle.
Bart: You’re a truffle!

Selma: The view was better inside the sack.
Fat Tony: You are one tough cookie. I tell you what, I’ll let you choose which body part I cut off first.
Selma: Fine. I choose my love handles.

Homer: So. Should I bring a towel?
Fat Tony: We have towels.
Homer whispering: I take a special size.

Lisa: This is our house. There’s nothing buried here but hopes and dreams.

Lisa: Bart, I haven’t been selling the truffles. I’ve been eating them!
Bart: Really? Why?
Lisa: Vegetarian food is so boring.

Selma: Marge, if I ever tell you I want to get married again, I want you to stick your thumbs into my eyes.

Homer Scissorhands

I do not deserve a Mother’s Day gift for being “one badass mother”

Selma: Lisa, this is going too slow for me. And I work at the DMV.
Patty: Mind if we take a nap?
Lisa: I’ll have to go more neo-classical and less mannerist, but okay.

Selma: Actually, it’s kind of cute. You look like Posh Spice.
Homer: That’s just what I was going for. {to Lisa} I was going for Scary.

Homer: Maybe I should open a hair salon.
Marge
: Well Newsweek magazine did say it’s good to change careers. Right after they laid off all their editors.

Lenny: Why don’t you do here what you do at the nuclear plant? Namely, suck.

Homer: There’s only one way out. I’m committing barbicide!

Milhouse: Everything’s comin’ up Milhouse!

Marge: You sure know how to please a woman.
Homer: As long as it doesn’t involve losing weight or changing my pants.

500 Keys

Guinea pigs should not be used as “guinea pigs”

Bart: Dad, the cake!
Lisa: Dad, our lives!
Homer: Fine.

Lisa: I’ve discovered a mystery wrapped in a riddle in the basement of a lousy school!

Principal Skinner: Mother, it is my birthday not our anniversary!

Homer: Hm. Is it drinking and driving if you’re flying a blimp? Maybe I could find the answer by texting.

Bart: Maybe this key will be the key to putting the “key” in anarchy.

Lisa: So the answer to our mystery lies on the other side of that ice bridge.
Bart: It’s summertime. The ice bridge will be a water nothing.

Lisa: Well there’s two things you didn’t count on. My dad getting a giant wedding cake and my sister locking herself in the car.
Skinner: We planned for the wedding cake. We just didn’t see the baby thing coming.
Chalmers: Well you should have.
Skinner: How could I? She wasn’t even born yet.

The Ned-liest Catch

The title of Lisa’s speech: I Have a Team

Willie: Me bleachers hve been weaponized!

Superintendent Chalmers: Rest assured, Mrs. Simpson, that we have a zero tolerance policy for this sort of thing when it occurs in front of witnesses.

Superintendent Chalmers: …and you may not refer to this experience as Kafka-esque or Orwellian.

Mrs. Krabappel: Okay Bart, what’s going on? I’m a teacher in the bathroom with a student. That’s why most of these people are here in the first place.

Ned: Did a volcano erupt in Candyland, ’cause I just caught me a flying red hot!

Ned: You’re a former missus. So where’s your husband buried?
Mrs. Krabappel: Probably between the hooters of the coat check girl in Shelbyville.

Ned: Guess I better refenestrate you.

Chalmers: Good news, Edna. The governor crushed the teacher’s union so you don’t have to stay here anymore.

Bart: If fairytales have taught us one thing it’s that first wives are perfect and second wives are horrible.
Homer: Just the opposite of real life.

Ned: You’ve been with a lot of men, but I forgive you.
Edna: You forgive me? You sanctimonious prude! Who are you to judge how I’ve lived my life? Ned, I’m not ashamged of dating those men, I’m proud.
Comic Book Guy outside: I still wear your bra!
Edna: Well not exactly proud. But… I’m stuck.