The Simpsons The Simpsons Seasons

Season 26

2014.09.28    S26

Billy West  Dan Castellaneta  Hank Azaria  Harry Shearer  Jane Fonda  John DiMaggio  Julie Kavner  Katey Sagal  Marcia Wallace  Nancy Cartwright  Pamela Hayden  Robert Siegel  Tress MacNeille  Willem Dafoe  Yeardley Smith

Clown in the Dumps

Spoiler Alert: Unfortunately my dad doesn’t die

Krusty: My only comfort is the roast is over and will only be shown four times a day for the rest of all time.

Therapist Pickles: So, what brings you here? And don’t say, “Clown car.”
Krusty: I’m a sad, tragic clown! Like whats-his-name. Liberace.

Krusty: Have you been going to Temple?
Bart: Yeah, and I’ve learned that all religions are equally boring. Come and see.
Krusty: Kid, there’s no way you can cheer me up. Not when whiskey, good deeds and hookers failed.
Bart: Who’s a hooker?
Krusty: Uh. With me it’s easier to say which ones aren’t hookers.

Homer: Your daughterly love saved me, sweetie.
Lisa: That’s all I wanted. A tiny bit of control.

The Wreck of the Relationship

Homer: I thought we installed parental blocking software on all our computers.
Bart: I don’t know what that stuff blocks.
Marge typing: “Mammogram appointment”. {an alarm goes off}

Bart: Why do I need to eat broccoli?
Homer: So you can grow up healthy and strong, like… Randy Quaid. Yeah. Randy Quaid. He’s very healthy.

Marge: Homey! The fantasy draft just ended. I got you five kickers. It is called football, right?
Homer to Bart: You are definitely eating that broccoli.

Lisa: Mom, it’s trash talk. You know, how guys say mean things to their friends like women say nice things to their enemies.

Marge: The wifi! The wifi! I’ve got to take out the wifi! {she grabs the router and runs out of church}
Lisa: She’s under a lot of stress. Her husband’s at sea.

Super Franchise Me


Treehouse of Horror XXV

School is Hell

Eternal torture is the only punishment for the unbaptized.

Lisa: It’s true. It would be a cold day in hell when I was popular.

Teacher: Wow. Wow. That is so evil. And I know evil. I’m head of the teacher’s union.

A Clockwork Yellow

Moog: We was narsty tastards, we were. Even though we dressed like Carole Channing’s back-up dancers.

Moog: Those punks got no respect for them what come before. They didn’t even wear no cod pieces.
Dum: How do they expect to draw the eye to their chunky wunks?

Moog: And so my brothers, I was beaten, I was bruised I couldn’t even score at an orgy. But I was happy.

The Others

Homer: The power of Chrysler compells you!

Dr. Marvin Monroe: Simpsons, please! This fighting solves nothing.
Marge: Dr. Marvin Monroe? Are you alive or dead?
Monroe: I’m in some horrible limbo. I walk halfway through walls then I get stuck.

Opposites A-Frack

Patty: Screw this. We’ll just go outside.
Selma: Nature is God’s ashtray.

Lisa: Stopping Mr. Burns may be beyond the power of an eight-year-old girl who has a book report due on Beezus and Ramona, but I know someone who can help.

Maxine Lombard (Jane Fonda): As Chairwoman of this committee on Energy, Natural Resources and Blimp Safety, your fracking operation is hereby shut down.

Mr. Burns: My Antonin Scalia bedroom!
Robert Siegel: It’s a National Public Radio broadcast center now.
Mr. Burns: Who are you?
Robert Siegel: I’m Robert Siegel. And this is All Things Considered.


Couch Gag
Hedonismbot: Wiggle in! Get comfortable.
Homer: Hey, a couch is a couch.

Homer: What the hell was that?
Lisa: Probably just another piece of America’s space junk falling out of orbit.
Bart: Remember when this country didn’t suck? ‘Cause I don’t.

Homer: The eyes of that picture are following me!
Bart: That’s a mirror.
Homer: Isn’t all great art kind of a mirror?

Homer: Don’t drink my loved one!
Bender Bending Rodriguez (John DiMaggio): Bite my shiny metal ass!
Homer: A robot! With a catchphrase!

Lisa: You know, they look a little similar.
Bart: Yeah, like the guy who designed Bender just took a drawing of Dad and stuck an antenna on.
Lisa: A little lazy if you ask me.

Lisa: Wait! Stop! Why must you kill my dad? Especially when cheeseburgers are doing the work for you.
Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth (Billy West): Homer Simpson must be eliminated immediately. The creatures destroying New New York have his DNA.

Prof. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone!
Phillip J. Fry (Billy West) to Bart: That means it’s bad.

Bart: Wow. I’m doing the same jokes a thousand yeas later. Ay, Carumba!

Lisa: I can’t believe you’re all giving up without a fight!
Turanga Leela (Katey Sagal): Lisa, we’re just a package delivery service.
Fry: And not a very good one.

Blazed and Confused

Superintendent Chalmers: Behold! Your lemons. Sociopathic child-haters who are only teachers because they got tenure after two short years.

Jack Lassen (Willem Dafoe):  …and I’ve got a full HBO special on your fat mama.
Nelson: My mom can’t afford to be fat. She’s an exotic dancer!
Lassen: Oh! And in what exotic location does she dance?
Nelson: A Touch of Class. But the C-L fell off.
Lassen: Son, there was never a C-L.
Nelson: I… I think I always knew that.

Lassen: You seem lonely and kind of weird.
Miss Hoover: You left out single.

Milhouse: That’s against the terms and conditions!
Bart: We’ve all read the terms and conditions, Milhouse.


Lisa: Look at all these monstrosities.
Homer: Lisa, how many times have I told you to bow down to our corporate overlords.

Kent Brockman: Apu and the band appeared on Saturday Night Live as the punchline of a game show sketch.
Bart: What’s a game show?
Homer: Something they make sketches about.

Lisa: Dad, you shouldn’t be jealous of Apu. Remember, it’s all about the music.
Homer: I’m not jealous. I’m envious. Jealousy is when you’re worried someone will take what you have. Envy is wanting what someone else has. What I feel is envy.
Lisa checking: Wow. He’s right.

Homer: If something great happens to one person, everyone else’s life gets a little worse. Look it up. It’s called physics!

I Won’t Be Home for Christmas

Reindeer meat does not taste like chicken

Homer: Maybe a drink will help me with my driving.

Bart: Aw, it’s Christmas Eve, man. We do not want to set a precedent for fat guys being late tonight!

Homer: Doesn’t the money go to our schools?
Apu: You’ve been to our schools. What do you think?

Bart: They say a boy never gets over seeing his dad in a Santa suit getting hanged and electrocuted on Christmas Eve.

Marge: Well, with all that you folks have experienced, I think we could enjoy listening to a little of your wisdom.
Grampa: The problem with Puerto Ricans is—
Marge: No casual racism!

Homer: Mm. Load-bearing wall…

The Man Who Came to Be Dinner


Bart’s New Friend


The Musk Who Fell to Earth


Walking Big & Tall


My Fare Lady


The Princess Guide


Sky Police


Waiting for Duffman


Peeping Mom


The Kids Are All Fight


Let’s Go Fly a Coot




Mathlete’s Feat