Clown in the Dumps
Spoiler Alert: Unfortunately my dad doesn’t die
Krusty: My only comfort is the roast is over and will only be shown four times a day for the rest of all time.
Therapist Pickles: So, what brings you here? And don’t say, “Clown car.”
Krusty: I’m a sad, tragic clown! Like whats-his-name. Liberace.
Krusty: Have you been going to Temple?
Bart: Yeah, and I’ve learned that all religions are equally boring. Come and see.
Krusty: Kid, there’s no way you can cheer me up. Not when whiskey, good deeds and hookers failed.
Bart: Who’s a hooker?
Krusty: Uh. With me it’s easier to say which ones aren’t hookers.
The Wreck of the Relationship
Lisa: Mom, it’s trash talk. You know, how guys say mean things to their friends like women say nice things to their enemies.
Super Franchise Me
Treehouse of Horror XXV
School is Hell
Eternal torture is the only punishment for the unbaptized.
Lisa: It’s true. It would be a cold day in hell when I was popular.
Teacher: Wow. Wow. That is so evil. And I know evil. I’m head of the teacher’s union.
A Clockwork Yellow
Moog: We was narsty tastards, we were. Even though we dressed like Carole Channing’s back-up dancers.
Moog: Those punks got no respect for them what come before. They didn’t even wear no cod pieces.
Dum: How do they expect to draw the eye to their chunky wunks?
Moog: And so my brothers, I was beaten, I was bruised I couldn’t even score at an orgy. But I was happy.
Homer: The power of Chrysler compells you!
Dr. Marvin Monroe: Simpsons, please! This fighting solves nothing.
Marge: Dr. Marvin Monroe? Are you alive or dead?
Monroe: I’m in some horrible limbo. I walk halfway through walls then I get stuck.
Patty: Screw this. We’ll just go outside.
Selma: Nature is God’s ashtray.
Lisa: Stopping Mr. Burns may be beyond the power of an eight-year-old girl who has a book report due on Beezus and Ramona, but I know someone who can help.
Maxine Lombard (Jane Fonda): As Chairwoman of this committee on Energy, Natural Resources and Blimp Safety, your fracking operation is hereby shut down.
Mr. Burns: My Antonin Scalia bedroom!
Robert Siegel: It’s a National Public Radio broadcast center now.
Mr. Burns: Who are you?
Robert Siegel: I’m Robert Siegel. And this is All Things Considered.
Hedonismbot: Wiggle in! Get comfortable.
Homer: Hey, a couch is a couch.
Lisa: Wait! Stop! Why must you kill my dad? Especially when cheeseburgers are doing the work for you.
Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth (Billy West): Homer Simpson must be eliminated immediately. The creatures destroying New New York have his DNA.
Prof. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone!
Phillip J. Fry (Billy West) to Bart: That means it’s bad.
Bart: Wow. I’m doing the same jokes a thousand yeas later. Ay, Carumba!
Lisa: I can’t believe you’re all giving up without a fight!
Turanga Leela (Katey Sagal): Lisa, we’re just a package delivery service.
Fry: And not a very good one.
Blazed and Confused
Superintendent Chalmers: Behold! Your lemons. Sociopathic child-haters who are only teachers because they got tenure after two short years.
Jack Lassen (Willem Dafoe): …and I’ve got a full HBO special on your fat mama.
Nelson: My mom can’t afford to be fat. She’s an exotic dancer!
Lassen: Oh! And in what exotic location does she dance?
Nelson: A Touch of Class. But the C-L fell off.
Lassen: Son, there was never a C-L.
Nelson: I… I think I always knew that.
Lassen: You seem lonely and kind of weird.
Miss Hoover: You left out single.
Milhouse: That’s against the terms and conditions!
Bart: We’ve all read the terms and conditions, Milhouse.
Lisa: Dad, you shouldn’t be jealous of Apu. Remember, it’s all about the music.
Homer: I’m not jealous. I’m envious. Jealousy is when you’re worried someone will take what you have. Envy is wanting what someone else has. What I feel is envy.
Lisa checking: Wow. He’s right.
Homer: If something great happens to one person, everyone else’s life gets a little worse. Look it up. It’s called physics!
I Won’t Be Home for Christmas
Reindeer meat does not taste like chicken
Homer: Maybe a drink will help me with my driving.
Bart: Aw, it’s Christmas Eve, man. We do not want to set a precedent for fat guys being late tonight!
Homer: Doesn’t the money go to our schools?
Apu: You’ve been to our schools. What do you think?
Bart: They say a boy never gets over seeing his dad in a Santa suit getting hanged and electrocuted on Christmas Eve.
Homer: Mm. Load-bearing wall…
The Man Who Came to Be Dinner
Bart’s New Friend
The Musk Who Fell to Earth
Walking Big & Tall
Rich Texan: Guns are for celebrating. What do you do when you’re angry?
Moe: We’ve been singing this song like it only belonged to us. When every city in America’s had its lips on it. Even Des Moines. He spits.
Pharrell Williams: Shelbyville rules. Springfield drools!
Lisa: You’ve got a gift!
Bart: Don’t be so surprised. I did write that “Lisa, it’s your birthday” song.
Lisa: Yeah, with that mental patient who thought he was Michael Jackson.
Bart: Woah. Thinking back, I’m kind of surprised Mom and Dad let a crazy man spend all night in my bedroom.
Homer: Simpler times.
Comic Book Guy: Kumiko, would you still love me if I lost weight?
Kumiko: Much more!
My Fare Lady
The Princess Guide
Waiting for Duffman
The Kids Are All Fight
Let’s Go Fly a Coot