The Simpsons



Dan Castellaneta  Doris Grau  Hank Azaria  Harry Shearer  Joe Mantegna  Julie Kavner  Karl Wiedergott  Maggie Roswell  Marcia Wallace  Maurice LaMarche  Nancy Cartwright  Pamela Hayden  Phil Hartman  Russi Taylor  Tress MacNeille  Yeardley Smith

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Season 1

Patty: It’s almost nine o’clock.
Selma: Where is Homer anyway?
Patty: It’s so typical of the big doofus to spoil it all.
Lisa: What, Aunt Patty?
Patty: Oh nothing, dear. I’m just trashing your father.
Lisa: Well, I wish that you wouldn’t. Because, aside from the fact that he has the same frailties as all human beings, he’s the only father I have. Therefore, he is my model of manhood, and my estimation of him will govern the prospects of my adult relationships. So I hope you bear in mind that any knock at him is a knock at me. And I am far too young to defend myself against such onslaughts.
Patty: Mm hm. Go watch your cartoon show, dear.

Bart: Can I pick the song?
Mrs. Krabappel: No. The song will be “John Henry was a Steel-Drivin’ Man”.

Mr. Burns to Homer: You’re not as stupid a you look. Or sound. Or as our best testing indicates.

Bart: Hello, is Al there?
Moe: Al?
Bart: Yeah, Al. Last name Caholic.

Season 2

Mrs. Krabappel: There were moments I truly believed you were Hemingway. Bravo, Martin.
Martin Prince: Oh please. Call me Papa.

Mrs. Krabappel: What’s the matter? Well I would think you’d be used to failing by now.
Bart: No, you don’t understand! I really tried this time! I mean I really tried.
Mrs. Krabappel: There there.
Bart: This is as good as I can do! And I still failed!
Mrs. Krabappel: Well, a 59. It’s a high F.
Bart: Who am I kidding? I really am a failure! Oh, now I know how George Washington felt when he surrendered Fort Necessity to the French in 1754.

Mr. Burns: Wait. Who is that young go-getter?
Smithers: Well it kind of looks like Homer Simpson, only dynamic and more resourceful.

Mr. Burns: Brilliant! Who could ever have imagined that Simpson’s sweeping reforms could pay off so quickly.
Smithers: You know sir, accidents decreased by exactly the number that Simpson himself is known or suspected to have caused last month. And our output level was just as high during Simpson’s last vacation.

Mr. Burns: Why are my teeth showing like that?
Campaign Manager: Because you’re smiling.
Mr. Burns: Ah. Excellent! This is exactly the kind of trickery I’m paying you for. But how do we turn your average Joe Six-pack against Mary Bailey?
Campaign Manager: With this team of investigators. Your muckraker, your character assassin, your mudslinger, your garbologist.

Campaign Manager: Congratulations, Mr. Burns. The latest polls show you’re up six points.
Mr. Burns: Ah. Giving me a total of?
Campaign Manager: Six. But we’re on our way.

Mother Simpson: At the risk of losing my voice, let me just say one more thing: I’m sorry I came.

Roger Meyers writing Marge a letter: …In regards to your specific comments about the show, our research indicates that one person cannot make a difference no matter how big a screwball she is. So let me close by saying…
Marge reading: “…and the horse I rode in on.”?! I’ll show them what one screwball can do!

Kent Brockman: Are cartoons too violent for children? Most people would say, “No, of course not. What kind of stupid question is that.” But one woman says, “Yes.” And she’s here with us tonight. This is Marge Simpson.

Mrs. Lovejoy: Get dressed, Marge. You’ve got to lead our protest against this abomination.
Marge: But that’s Michelangelo’s David. It’s a masterpiece.
Mrs. Lovejoy: It’s filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human body which, practical as they may be, are evil.
Marge: But I like that statue.
Maude Flanders: I told you she was soft on full frontal nudity.

Lionel Hutz (Phil Hartman): My fee is fifty percent.
Homer: Fifty percent?
Lionel Hutz: You’ll be getting more than just a lawyer, Mr. Simpson. You’ll also be getting this exquisite faux pearl necklace—a ninety-nine dollar value—as our gift to you.

Court Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Marge: Yes I do.
Lionel Hutz: She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.

Moe: Homer, lighten up! You’re making Happy Hour bitterly ironic.

Grampa Simpson: She did things your mother never would. Like have sex for money.

Dr. Hibbert: Provocative, but powerful.
Mrs. Hoover: He’s bad, but he’ll die. So I like it.

Ralph: Does that mean you’re crazy?
Suzie: No, that means she was faking it!
Ms. Hoover: No, actually it was little of both.

Dr. Hibbert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.
Marge: Thank you, I will, Dr. Hibbert. Thanks for coming.
Dr. Hibbert: Remember, I said “if”.

Bart: Hey Martin, tell him what we do with squealers.
Martin tied up: I don’t know. Is it worse than what you do to people who have to go to the bathroom?

Season 3

Mr. Burns: Spare me the tiresome antics of the Simpson family!

Kent Brockman: Mr. Burns, people are calling this a meltdown.
Mr. Burns: Oh, meltdown. One of those annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.

Mrs. Krabappel: Well class, the history of our country has been changed again. To correspond with Bart’s answers on yesterday’s test. America was now discovered in 1942 by… “Some Guy.” And our country isn’t called America anymore. It’s “Boner Land.”

Mr. Burns: Dammit, Smithers! This isn’t rocket science, it’s brain surgery.

Apu: I won’t lie to you. In this job you will be shot at.

Apu: He slept, he stole, he was rude to the customers. Still. There goes the best damned employee a convenience store ever head.

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart! Are those liquor bottles?
Bart: I brought enough for everybody.
Mrs. Krabappel: Take those to the teacher’s lounge. You can have what’s left at the end of the day.

Professor Frink: Brace yourselves gentlemen, according to the gaschromatograph the secret ingredient is… love?!? Who’s been screwing this thing?

Lionel Hutz: I’m sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but you can’t copyright a drink. This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of ’78. How about that? I looked something up!

Burns: What good is money if you can’t inspire terror in your fellow man. I’ve got to get my plant back!

Bart: What about Groundskeeper Willie?
Mrs. Krabappel: I’m not even gonna tell you what that guy’s into. Bart you are the closest thing to a man in my life. And that’s so depressing I think I’m going to cry.

Carl: Okay, Homer. Bases loaded, you’re up. Where’s that secret weapon?
Homer: Check it out, boys. My magic bat.
Carl: That’s it?
Lenny: Yeah.
Carl: I’ve got a magic bat too.
Carl: Yeah, and I’ve got an enchanted jock strap.

Smithers: How do you like working for the Dodgers?
Mike Scioscia: Well it’s okay. But sometimes I wish I had something a little more blue collar job. You know, with big machines and cool dials and stuff. Like an oil refinery. Or a hydro-electric plant.
Smithers: We should talk.

Barney: And I say England’s greatest prime minister was Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Okay, you asked for it, Boggs.

Skinner: …and a state-of-the-art detention hall. Where children are held in place by magnets.
Teacher: Magnets. Always with the magnets.

Butler: Sir, your llama just bit Ted Kennedy.
Kent Brockman: Good!

Otto: Better fasten your seatbelts, little dudes.
Lisa: We don’t have seatbelts.
Otto: Well then… just try to go limp.

Nelson: Mrs. Krabappel, how come you don’t live with Mr. Krabappel?
Mrs. Krabappel: Because Mr. Krabappel chased something small and fluffy down a rabbit hole.

Season 4

Miss Hoover: I have nothing left to say to any of you. So if nobody minds lets just quietly run out the clock.

Dolph: Yo, Mr. Black. Another brandy.
Mr. Black: Gentlemen, to evil!

Krusty: Well I’m gonna make it all up to you. I’m gonna show you kids the time of your life. Get ready for two weeks in the happiest place on Earth—Tijuana!

Marge: I’m Marge Simpson. I’ll be playing Blanche. I made some peanut butter brownies for everyone.
Llewellyn Sinclair (Jon Lovitz): Well. would anyone else like a bite of banality?
Wiggum: I would.

Homer: Hey Ganeesha, want a peanut?
Apu: Please do not offer my god a peanut.

Ned: Homer, God didn’t set your house on fire.
Rev. Lovejoy: No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they went to your aid. Be they Christian, Jew or… miscellaneous.
Apu: Hindu! There are seven hundred million of us.
Rev. Lovejoy: Aw, that’s super.

Contestant 1: Did you see Tina Epstein?
Contestant 2: Woah. If you’re going to binge you better purge.
Contestant 1: Uh oh.
Contestant 2: Amber Dempsey.
Contestant 1: In the same week she was Pork Princess and Little Miss Kosher.
Lisa: She’s beautiful.
Contestant 2: Wait, she’s about to bring out the big guns.
Contestant 1: Eyelash implants.
Lisa: I thought those were illegal.
Contestant 1: Not in Paraguay.

Marge: Where’d you get all the money?
Grampa Simpson: The government. I didn’t earn it. I don’t need it. But if they miss one payment, I’ll raise hell!

Patty: There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.

Mr. Burns: What do you think, Smithers?
Smithers: I think women and seamen don’t mix.
Mr. Burns: We know what you think.

Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film The Never-Ending Story.
Homer: So you think I have a case?
Lionel Hutz: Homer, I don’t use the word “hero” very often, but you are the greatest hero in American history.
Homer: Woo hoo!

Moe: Amanda Hugginkiss. Hey, I’m looking for Amanda Hugginkiss. Why can’t I find Amanda Hugginkiss?
Barney: Maybe your standards are too high!

Mayor Quimby: Mr. Plow, for making it possible for people to get to where they’re going without resorting to public transportation or carpooling, I give you the key to the city.

Mr. Burns: Do you think we could dig up Al Jolson?
Smithers: Ah… do you remember we did that once before?
Mr. Burns: Oh that’s right, he’s dead… and rather pungent. The rest of that night is something I’d like to forget.

Krusty: I personally am going to spit in every fiftieth burger.
Homer: I like those odds.

Dr. Nick: singing The knee bone’s connected to the… something. The something’s connected to the… red thing. The red thing’s connected to my wrist watch… Uh oh.

Smithers: Well sir, where should we dump this batch? The playground?
Mr. Burns: No. All those bald children are arousing suspicion. To the park!

Agent Malone: Some Boy Scouts stumbled on your little game of Hide the Ooze.

Lyle Lanley (Phil Hartman): You know a town with money is a little like the mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it. The name’s Lanley. Lyle Lanley. And I come before you people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest— Oh, it’s not for you. It’s more of a Shelbyville idea.

Lyle Lanley: So then. Mono means one. And rail means rail. And that concludes our intensive three week course.

Mayor Quimby: Now I’d like to turn things over to our Grand Marshal, Mr. Leonard Nimoy.
Leonard Nimoy: I’d say this vessel could do at least warp five.
Mayor Quimby: And let me say, may the force be with you!
Leonard Nimoy: Do you even know who I am?
Mayor Quimby: I think I do. Weren’t you one of the Little Rascals?

Lisa: Happy Valentine’s.
Ralph: You choo choo choose me?
Lisa: Happy Valentine’s.

Ralph: …The doctor says I wouldn’t have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger out of there.

Chief Wiggum on phone: Uh, Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news. Your husband was found DOA.
Marge: Oh my god! He’s dead?
Chief Wiggum: Oh, I’m sorry. He was DUI. I get those two confused. {hangs up phone}
Woman walking in: My name is Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband was DUI?
Chief Wiggum: Uh… talk to one of those officers over there. I’m going to lunch.

Homer: Hey, what does this job pay?
Carl: Nothin’.
Homer: D’oh!
Carl: Unless you’re crooked.
Homer: Woo hoo!

Mr. Burns: Smithers, I’m beginning to think that Homer Simpson was not the brilliant tactician I thought he was.

Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour, you run a tight ship.
Skinner: Well you know what they say, sir. Where there’s no smoke, there’s no fire.
Superintendent Chalmers: What an odd remark.

Troy McClure: I’m Troy McClure, star of such films as P Is for Psycho. And The President’s Neck Is Missing

Nick Riviera: Order now and you’ll also get Sun-n-Run. The suntan lotion that’s also a laxative!

Lionel Hutz: Uh oh. We’ve drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Lionel Hutz: Well he’s had it in for me ever since I kind of ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Lionel Hutz: Well replace the word “kind of” with “repeatedly.” And the word “dog” with “son.”

Lisa: Krusty! What have you done to yourself?
Krusty: I thought I’d get into shape so I’ve been drinking nothing but milkshakes.
Lisa: You mean those diet milkshakes?
Krusty: Uh oh.

Krusty: I’m a star again. I don’t know how to thank you kids.
Bart: That’s okay, Krusty.
Lisa: We’re getting fifty percent of the t-shirt sales.
Krusty: What?! That’s the sweetest plum!

Season 5

Marge: Your teenage son or daughter will think this wishbone necklace is really cool.
Man: I doubt my son or daughter is that stupid.

Skinner: We need a name that’s witty at first. But gets less funny each time you say it.
Apu: How about the Be Sharps?

Mr. Burns: A watchdog of public safety. Is there any lower form of life?

Joey Ramone: Go to hell, you old bastard!
Mr. Burns: Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: But sir, those aren’t—
Mr. Burns: Do as I say!

Mr. Burns: Who’s that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib.
Smithers: Prince of Darkness, sir. He’s your eleven o’clock.

Troy McClure: Hello. I’m Troy McClure. You might remember me from such telethons as Out with Gout 88 and Let’s Save Tony Bennett’s House!

Rescuer: Homer, are you just holding on to the can?
Homer: Your point being?

Ruth Powers: I envy you and Homer.
Marge: Thank you. Why?
Ruth Powers: If you ever met my ex-husband you’d understand. All he ever did was eat, sleep and drink beer.
Marge: Your point being?

Homer: Moe, get the darts. I wanna play.
Moe: No. We’re phasing out the games. People drink less when they’re having fun.

Ruth Powers: Marge, you’re the levelheaded friend I never had.

Apu: If you survive, please come again!

Bart: Okay. We’re young, rich and full of sugar. What do we do?
Milhouse: Let’s go crazy, Broadway-style!

Milhouse: Hey, don’t Bogart that Squishee!
Barney: I don’t know where you magic pixies came from, but I like your pixie drink.

Ned: God speed, little doodle.

Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah?
Homer: See, I got this friend named… Joey Jo Jo… Junior… Shabadoo.
Moe: That’s the worst name I ever heard.
Joey runs out of the bar sobbing
Barney: Hey! Joey Jo Jo!

Mindy Simmons (Michelle Pfeiffer): I can see I’m gonna love working with you. Well, gotta go. I want to sneak in a quick nap before lunch.
Homer: Foul temptress! I bet she thinks Ziggy’s gotten too preachy too.

Krusty: Bart! I need your fingerprints on a candlestick. Meet me in the conservatory, chop chop.

Bart: I never thought I’d say this, but shouldn’t we be learning something?
Milhouse: Say the line, Bart!

Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
Homer breaks lamp: D’oh!
Bart: Aye Carumba!
Marge: Hmmm.
Maggie sucks her pacifier.
Flanders: Hidely-ho.
Barney burps
Nelson: Ha ha!
Burns: Excellent!
They all stare at her.
Lisa: If anyone wants me, I’ll be in my room.

Mrs. Lovejoy: That animal of yours is certainly bad-tempered.
Lisa: Yeah, well you’d be grumpy too if you were taken out of your natural habitat and gawked at by a bunch of slack-jawed yokels.
Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel: Hey Ma! Look at that pointy-hairded little girl!

Mr. Burns: Careful Smithers, that sponge has corners you know!

Mr. Burns: I suggest you get off my lawn.
Homer: Or what? You’ll release the dogs. Or the bees. Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you? Well go ahead! Do your worst.

Lionel Hutz: I’ve argued in front of every judge in this state. Often as a lawyer!

Willie: There’s nary an animal alive who can outrun a greased Scotsman.

Milhouse: This is great. Not only am I not learning, I’m forgetting stuff I used to know.

Principal Skinner: One question remains: how do I get out of the army?
Bart: No problemo. Just make a pass at your commanding officer.
Principal Skinner: Done and done. And I mean done.

Superintendent Chalmers: God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion.

Troy McClure: Hello, I’m Troy McClure! You might remember me from such films as The Boatjacking of Supership ’79 and Hydro: The Man with the Hydraulic Arms.

Season 6

Milhouse: Hey Nelson, he’s really hurt. I think he broke his leg.
Nelson: I said, “Ha ha.”

Flanders: I wish there was some other explanation for this, but there isn’t. I’m a murderer. I’m a murderer!
Bart: Then that’s not the real Ned Flanders.
Flanders: I’m a murder-diddly-urdler!
Bart: If that’s not Flanders, he’s done his homework.

Sideshow Bob: Attempted murder. Honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for “attempted chemistry”?

Sideshow Bob: That was a big mistake, Bart. No children have ever meddled with the Republican party and lived to tell about it.

Lionel Hutz: Mr. Mayor, is it true you rigged the election?
Sideshow Bob: No.
Lionel Hutz: Kids, help.

Mr. Burns: That’s odd. Usually the blood gets off on the second floor.

Marge on a CB radio: Hello, police? This is Marge Simpson. My husband’s on a murderous rampage. Over.
Chief Wiggum: Oh. Well thank god that’s over. I was afraid there for a second.

Bart: That’s no fair, Nelson. They didn’t have the Kill-matic 3000 back then.
Nelson: Hey! Records from that era are spotty at best.

Willie: The kilt was only for day-to-day wear. For battle, we donned a full length ball gown covered in sequins. The idea was to blind your opponent with luxury!

Ralph: Me fail English? That’s unpossible!

Marge: There are only forty-nine stars on that flag.
Grampa: I’ll be deep in the cold cold ground before I recognize Missourah!

Grampa: Let’s see… I’m an Elk, a Mason, a Communist… I’m the president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason. Ah, here it is! The Stonecutters.

Number One (Patrick Stewart): Welcome to the club, Number 908. You have joined the Sacred Order of the Stonecutters, who since ancient times have split the rocks of ignorance that obscure the light of knowledge and truth. Now let’s all get drunk and play ping pong!

Who controls the British crown / Who keeps the metric system down
We do! We do!
Who leaves Atlantis off the maps / Who keeps the martians under wraps
We do! We do!
Who holds back the electric car / Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star
We do! We do!
Who robs cave fish of their sight / Who rigs every Oscar night
We do! We do!

Number One: Homer Simpson, for your continuing and baffling desecration of our beloved sacred parchment, you are hereby banished from the Stonecutters forever.

Al: Show up tomorrow, bring three rags. Oh and, ah, change your pants.
Homer: Why?
Al: When it happens, you’ll know.

Mr. Burns: It’s company policy to give you the plague.
Smithers: Uh sir, that’s the plaque.

Skinner: Because you have impeded science you must now aid science. Yes. Starting tomorrow you will assist me with my amateur astronomy. Taking down coordinates, carrying equipment and so forth. Four-thirty in the morning.
Bart: There’s a four-thirty in the morning now?

Grampa: Sounds like the doomsday whistle. Ain’t been blowed for nigh on to three years.
Jasper: Trouble abrewin’.

Kent Brockman: I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Democracy simply doesn’t work.

Kent Brockman: Now, over the years a newsman learns a number of things that for one reason or another he just cannot report. It doesn’t seem to matter now, so… the following people are gay.

Krusty: Now. When the wealthy dowager comes in the party’s over right? Wrong! {he slams a pie in her face}
Homer writing: “Kill wealthy dowager”.

Bart: Look Boris, I think Ballet is for sissies.
Madame: Ballet is for the strong, the fierce, the determined! But for the Sissies? Never! Now. Put on this fuschiatard. You are a fairy.

Madame: Is something wrong, Mr Simpson?
Bart: I don’t like wearing tights. ma’am.
Madame: But so many of your heroes wear tights. Batman for example… And… Magellan.

Supervisor: Wait a minute. Those are yours sir?
Homer: Yes. I am in flavor country.
Supervisor: Both of them?
Homer: It’s a big country.
Supervisor: Ladies, I apologize. And you, sir, are worse than Hitler.

Lisa: Wow. Now that I know all this is there any way to change the future?
Fortuneteller: No. But try to look surprised.

Announcer: Your cable television is experiencing difficulties. Please do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless.
Wiggum checking: Well I’ll be damned.

Burns: singing Some men hunt for sport, others hunt for food. The only thing I’m hunting for… is an outfit that looks good.
sung to “Be Our Guest”
See my vest, see my vest, made from real gorilla chest.
Feel this sweater, there’s no better than authentic Irish Setter.
See this hat? ‘Twas my cat. My eveningwear? Vampire bat.
These white slippers are albino African endangered rhino.
Grizzly bear underwear. Turtles’ necks, I’ve got my share.
Beret of poodle on my noodle it shall rest.
Try my red robin suit, it comes one breast or two.
See my vest! See my vest! See my vest!
Like my loafers? Former gophers! It was that or skin my chauffeurs.
But a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best.
So let’s prepare these dogs
Maid: Kill two for matching clogs!
Burns: See my vest! See my vest! Oh please won’t you see my vest! {he finishes the song} I really like my vest.
Smithers: I gathered that.

Mr. Burns: I’ll be taking my puppies back.
Lisa: But they’re ours, you stole them from us!
Mr. Burns hands her a cell phone: Here’s a phone. Call somebody who cares. Lisa dials 9-1— Give me that!

Willie: Bonjour, ye cheese-eatin’ surrender monkeys!

Brockman: Krusty the Klown staged a press conference today to defend himself against charges that his products are unsafe, his theme parks is a death trap and that he’s marketing videos of Tonya Harding’s wedding night.
Krusty: And I contend that those tourists were decapitated before they entered the Krustyland House of Knives.

Moleman: Hello. This is Moleman in the Morning. Good Moleman to you.

Bleeding Gums Murphy: You made an old Jazz man happy, Lisa.

Lisa: I don’t want you to go.
Bleeding Gums Murphy: Sorry, but I have to. Goodbye.
Lisa: Goodbye.
Bleeding Gums Murphy reappearing: Oh, what the heck! Once more from the top.

Milhouse: We’ve squozen our whole supply. To the lemon tree!

Milhouse: So this is what it feels like when doves cry.

Smithers: Principal Skinner, this is your secretary. There is one last student here to see you.
Principal Skinner: That’s odd. I don’t have a secretary. Or an intercom.

Burns: I want that oil well. I’ve got a monopoly to maintain. I own the electric company. And the waterworks. Plus the hotel on Baltic Avenue.
Principal Skinner: That hotel’s a dump and your monopoly’s pathetic.

Burns: Pish posh. It’ll be like taking candy from a baby. Hey, that sounds like a larf. Let’s try it now.

Barney: These fumes aren’t as fun as beer. Sure, I’m all dizzy and nauseous, but where’s the inflated sense of self-esteem?

Season 7

Kent Brockman: Dozens of people are gunned down each day in Springfield, but until now none of them was important.

Smithers: This isn’t a rival company you’re battling with, it’s a school. People won’t stand for it.
Mr. Burns: Pish posh.
Smithers: It’ll be like taking candy from a baby, and— Say! That sounds like a larf.

Sideshow Mel: At the town meeting he mentioned that he watched Comedy Central. I made sure to note that as it seemed quite unusual.

Smithers: Thank god. Sir, I only hope you can forgive me for shooting your wooden leg.
Jasper: You shot who in the what now?

Eddie: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No! *buzz* Alright, maybe I did, but I didn’t shoot him. *ding*
Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir, you’re free to go.
Moe: Good, ’cause I got a hot date tonight. *buzz* A date. *buzz* Dinner with a friend. *buzz* Dinner alone. *buzz* Watching TV alone. *buzz* Alright! I’m going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria’s Secret catalog. *buzz* Sears catalog. *ding* Now would you unhook this already, please! I don’t deserve this kind of shabby treatment! *buzz*

Chief Wiggum: Homer Simpson, you’re under arrest for attempted murder.
Homer: D’oh!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, that’s what they all say. They all say, “d’oh.”

Mr. Burns: The old axiom was misleading. Taking the candy was exceedingly difficult.

Mr. Burns: Arrest the baby!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah right, Pops. No jury in the world is going to convict a baby. Mm… maybe Texas.

Bart to applause: Thank you. It’s all in the delivery. “Now is the winter of our discontent.”
Ralph: Oh no! Run!

Director: Fallout Boy will untie Radioactive Man and pull him to safety, moments before he’s hit with a forty-foot wall of sulfuric acid that will horribly burn everything in its path. Now that’s real acid so I want to see goggles, people!
Rainier Wolfcastle: Real acid?
Director: Okay, roll film! Tip the acid vats and… action!
Radioactive Man: Only Fallout Boy can save me now.
Director: Where’s Fallout Boy? Fallout Boy!
Rainier Wolfcastle: Uh oh. {the acid hits him} My eyes! The goggles do nothing!

Ned: Welcome to your new home, neglecterinos!

Maude: I don’t judge Homer and Marge. That’s for a vengeful god to do.

Jimbo: Way to breathe, No-breath.

Kirk van Houten: Milhouse give him back his soul! I’ve got work tomorrow.

Ralph: Ms. Hoover, my worm slipped into my mouth. Can I have another one?
Ms. Hoover: No, Ralph. There aren’t anymore. Why don’t you go to sleep while the other children are learning.
Ralph: Oh boy! Sleep! That’s where I’m a Viking!

Mr. Burns: I think I’ll donate a million dollars to charity… when pigs fly!
A pig flies past the window
Smithers: Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?
Mr. Burns: Eh, I’d still rather not.

Ad Man: Advertising is a funny thing. If you stop paying attention to it, pretty soon it goes away.
Lisa: Like that old woman who couldn’t find the beef?
Ad Man: Exactly!

Kent Brockman: Even as I speak, the scourge of advertising could be heading toward your town. Lock our doors, bar your windows. Because the next advertisement you see could destroy your house and eat your family!
Homer: We’ll be right back.

Mrs. Krabappel: Remember class, the worse you do on this standardized test, the more funding the school gets. So don’t knock yourselves out.

Dr. Hibbert: My god, that’s monstrous! I’ve never heard of anything so negligent. I’ll have no part of it.
Homer: Can you recommend a doctor that will?
Dr. Hibbert: Yes.

Dr. Nick: You’ll want to focus on the neglected food groups. Such as the whipped group, the congealed group and the chocotastic!
Homer: What can I do to speed the whole thing up, Doctor?
Dr. Nick: Be creative. Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use pop tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.

Mr. Burns: Push out the jive. Bring in the love.

Mr. Burns: Homer, your bravery and quick thinking has turned a potential Chernobyl into a mere Three Mile Island.

Joe Friday: Are you trying to stall us or are you just senile?
Grampa: A little from column A, a little from column B.

Mona Simpson: Remember, whatever happens you have a mother and she’s truly proud of you.

Troy McClure: Hello, I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such FOX Network specials as Alien Nosejob. And Five Fabulous Weeks of the Chevy Chase Show. Tonight we’re here to honor America’s favorite non-prehistoric cartoon family.

Troy McClure: Yes, the Simpsons have come a long way since an old drunk made humans out of his rabbit characters to pay off his gambling debts. Who knows what adventures they’ll have between now and the time the show becomes unprofitable.

Announcer: It’s a Krusty Kinda Kristmas. Brought to you by ILG, selling your body’s chemicals after you die. And by Lil’ Sweetheart Cupcakes, a subsidiary of ILG.

Milhouse: This is great, and all I’ve done is enter my name. Thrillhouse! {cut to the screen reading Thrillho}

Troy McClure: Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You might remember me from such public service videos as, Designated Drivers: The Life-saving Nerds and Phony Tornado Alarms Reduce Readiness. I’m here today to give you the skinny on shoplifting. Thereby completely my plea bargain with the good people of Footlocker: Beverly Hills.

Moe: Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.

Disco Stu about the DISCO STU jacket: Hey, Disco Stu doesn’t advertise.

Mrs. Krabappel: Embiggens? I never heard that word before moving to Springfield.
Miss Hoover: I don’t know why, it’s a perfectly cromulent word.

Hollis Hurlbut: It’s just as phony as the Howard Hughes will, the Hitler Diaries. Or the Emancipation Retraction.

Hollis Hurlbut: Now get out! You’re banned from this historical society! You and your children, and your children’s children! … For three months.

Moe: Homer, I support most any prejudice you can name, but your herophobia sickens me. You and your daughter ain’t welcome here anymore. Barney, show them the exit.
Barney: There’s an exit?

Mayor Quimby: Can’t we have one meeting that doesn’t end with us digging up a corpse?

Principal Skinner: Regardless of who said it, a noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.

Smithers: I realize caring for Mr. Burns seems like a big job, but technically it’s just twenty-eight hundred small jobs.

Burns: Donuts? I told you, I don’t like ethnic food!

Wiggum: I’m seeing stars here!
Troy McClure: No, just one. Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such films as The Greatest Story Ever Hula’ed and They Came to Burgle Carnegie Hall.

Waiter: Please, don’t smoke in our restaurant. We don’t serve contemporary Californian cuisine in your lungs.

Macarthur Parker (Jeff Goldblum): Ever hear of The Planet of the Apes?
Troy McClure: Ah… the movie or the planet?

Troy McClure: “I hate every ape I see, from chimpan-ay to chimpan-zee.”

Selma: Are you gay?
Troy McClure: Gay? I wish! If I were gay there’d be no problem. No, what I have is a romantic abnormality. One so unbelievable that it must be hidden from the public at all costs.

The boys go to see Naked Lunch
Nelson: I can think of at least two things wrong with that title.

Grampa Simpson: Now my story begins in nineteen-dickety-two. We had to say “dickety” ’cause the Kaiser had stolen our word “twenty.”

Mr. Burns: Well Simpson, seven gone. As soon as you’re in your pressboard coffin I’ll be the sole survivor and the treasure will be mine.
Grampa Simpson: Over my dead body it will!
Mr. Burns: That’s exactly the point.

Kent Brockman: A large bear-like animal—most likely a bear—has wandered down from the hills in search of food or perhaps employment.

Aide: Sir, there’s an unruly mob to see you.
Quimby: Does it have an appointment.
Aide: Ah, yes it does.
Skinner: I phoned ahead!

Apu: I wish I could have stayed just one more year or two. There was so much I wanted to see and to do and to have done to me.

Wiggum: Okay, guys, here’s the order of deportations. First we’ll be rounding up your tired. And then your poor. And then your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.
Lou: Breathers. Got it.

Tester: Okay, here’s your last question. What was the cause of the Civil War?
Apu: Actually there were numerous causes. Aside from the obvious schism between abolitionists and anti-abolitionists, economic factors both domestic and international played a significant—
Tester: Just say slavery.
Apu: Slavery it is, sir.

Grampa: I used to be with it, but then they changed what “it” was. Now, what I’m with isn’t it, and what’s “it” seems weird and scary to me.

Student: The leatherolian covers were worth the extra money. You call smell the benzene!
Daisy: When the kids see these layouts and fonts you’re going to be the most popular girl in school!
Lisa: You know something, Daisy, I think you’re right.

Ned: Homer, I’m in a rhubarb of a pickle of a jam here.

Season 8

Dr. Hibbert: You don’t forget a thing like Siamese twins!
Lisa: I believe they prefer to be called “conjoined twins.”
Dr. Hibbert: And hillbillies prefer “sons of the soil.” But it ain’t gonna happen.

Mr. Burns: There, under the smiling eyes of four stuffed Eskimos, we expressed our love physically. As was the style at the time.

Mr. Burns: How were his test scores?
Yale Admissions: Let’s just say this. He spelled “Yale” with a six.

Mr. Burns: I don’t like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing there are too many fat children.

Bart: Are you having a party or something?
Belle: Non-stop. We’re a burlesque house.

Skinner: Ah, there’s no justice like angry mob justice.

Rev. Lovejoy: Thanks a lot, Marge. That was our only burlesque house.

Marge: Did anyone see that new Woodsy Allen movie?
Ned: You know I like his films except for that nervous fellah who’s always in ’em.

Kearney: Aw, man! You just kissed a girl!
Jimbo Jones: That is so gay!

Maude Flanders: Oh Neddy, it was terrifying. I thought I was headed for the eternal bliss of paradise.

Ned Flanders: Reverend, I need to know. Is God punishing me?
Reverend Lovejoy: Oo. Short answer, Yes with an if. Long answer, No with a but.

Ned: Why me, Lord? Where have I gone wrong? I’ve always been nice to people. I don’t drink or dance or swear. I’ve even kept kosher just to be on the safe side. I’ve done everything the Bible says, even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff. What more can I do?

Lisa: Mr. Flanders, with all due respect, Bart didn’t do anything.
Ned: Do I hear the sound of butting in?! It’s gotta be little Lisa Simpson. Springfield’s answer to a question no one asked!

Ned: If any of you does something I don’t like, you are gonna hear about it!
Dr. Foster: Yes, that’s very healthy, Ned.
Ned: And if you really tick me off, I’m gonna run you down with my car.

Edna Lovejoy: Hm. “Pita”. Well I don’t know about food from the Middle East. Isn’t that whole area a little iffy?
Fleet-a-Pita: Hey, I’m no geographer! You and I, why don’t we call it “pocket bread”.
Maude Flanders: Uh. What’s “tahini”?
Fleet-a-Pita: Flavor sauce!
Edna Krabappel: And “falafel”?
Fleet-a-Pita: Crunch patties.

Announcer: It’s the Krusty Komedy Klassic!
Krusty: Hey, hey! It’s great to be back at the Apollo Theater, and— {turns around, notices sign} K-K-K? That’s not good.

Shary Bobbins: As your nanny, I’ll do everything from telling stories to changing diapers.
Grampa: Put me down for one of each!

Skinner: Boy for sale! Boy for sale!
Jimbo: Is this legal, man?
Skinner: Only here and in Mississippi.

Roger Meyers: What we need is a new character. One that today’s kids can relate to.
Writer: Are you absolutely sure that’s wise, sir? I mean I don’t want to sound pretentious here, but Itchy and Scratchy comprise a dramaturgical dyad.
Krusty: Hey, this ain’t art, it’s business.

Lindsey Naegle: We’re talking the original dog from hell.
Writer: You mean Cerberus?

Lindsey Naegle: We at the network want a dog with attitude. He’s edgy. He’s in your face. You’ve heard the expression “Let’s get busy”? Well, this is a dog who gets biz-ay. Consistently and thoroughly.
Krusty: So he’s proactive?
Lindsey Naegle: Oh, god yes! We’re talking about a totally outrageous paradigm.
Writer: Excuse me, but “proactive” and “paradigm”? Aren’t these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I’m accusing you of anything like that…. I’m fired aren’t I?

Comic Book Guy: Last night’s Itchy and Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, that I was on the internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
Bart: Hey, I know it wasn’t great but what right do you have to complain?
Comic Book Guy: As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
Bart: What? They’ve given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? I mean if anything you owe them.
Comic Book Guy: Worst episode ever.

Janey: I can’t get enough of the Babysitter Twins. They arrested the counterfeiters, rescued the President and made four dollars!

Lisa: Enjoy Bob Saget!
Chief Wiggum: It’s Bob Seger. {checks tickets} Aw crap.

Moe: Listen up, this is the busiest drinking day of the year. Where are the designated drivers? Beat it! I got no room for cheapskates.

Brockman: Kent O’Brockman, live on Main Street, where today everyone is a little bit Irish. Except of course for the gays and the Italians.

Mrs. Lovejoy: Won’t somebody please think of the children!

Chief Wiggum: Ladies, please. All our funding fathers, astronauts and World Series heroes have been either drunk or on cocaine.

Duff Spokesman: We’re not worried. Our customers buy Duff for its robust taste, not its alcoholic content. I predict our alcohol-free Duff Zero will sell even better than its previous brand.

Homer: Glad you’re finally back in business, Moe.
Moe: Yeah. That was a scary couple of hours.

Mayor Quimby: Who are you to demand anything? I run this town. You’re just a bunch of low-income nobodies.
Aide aside: Election in November. Election in November.
Mayor Quimby: What?! Again! This stupid country.

Rex Banner: Are you the Beer Baron?
Ned: Well, if you’re talking about root beer, I plead guilt-diddily-itly as char-diddly-arged!
Rex Banner: He’s not the Baron, but he sounds drunk. Take him in!

Principal Skinner: …and finally, the bake sale to raise money for the car wash has been cancelled due to confusion.

Skinner: Mind if I sit down?
Krabappel: It’s a free country.
Skinner: I don’t follow you.
Krabappel: Just sit down.

Skinner: Is this how you imagined your life, Edna?
Krabappel: Well yes. But then I was a very depressed child.
Skinner toasting: To poor decisions.
Krabappel: Here here.

Ralph: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me.

Chalmers: You have got to end this thing, Seymour.
Skinner: We’re not coming down until our jobs are reinstated and you acknowledge and celebrate our love.
Chalmers: No one would like to celebrate your love more than I. But I am a public servant and not permitted to use my own judgment in any way.
Krabappel: Then let us take our case directly to the townspeople.
Chalmers: Oh yeah, that’ll be real productive. Who do you want to talk to first? The guy in the bumblebee suit or the one with the bone through his hair?

Maude: I don’t think we’re talking about love here. We’re talking about S-E-X. In front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N!
Krusty: Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down.

Skinner: We can’t continue on like this. Trying to build a private relationship in public, the whole town watching our every move with a fine tooth comb.
Krabappel: I’m used to public humiliation but not in front of a crowd that size.

Skinner: That’s why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.

Moe: I was calling for Reverend Lovejoy. Who’s this?
Marge: Ah, well… this is the Listen Lady.
Moe: Yeah? Well listen, lady.

Kent Brockman: …which if true, means death for us all.

Moe: You are absolutely positively the dumbest haunted love tester that I have ever met.

Kent Brockman: And now, a family that doesn’t know the meaning of the word “cancelled”: The Simpsons!

Season 9

Mayor Quimby: I stand by my ethnic slur! Do your worst you filthy, pretentious savages.

Comic Book Guy staring down the bomb: Oh, I’ve wasted my life.

Sea Captain: And it wasn’t long before this yearly custom became an annual tradition.

Principal Skinner: Attention: all honor students will be rewarded with a trip to an archaeological dig. Conversely, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archaeological dig.

Burns: Smithers, use the amnesia ray.
Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir?
Burns: Precisely. Be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you’re finished.

Marge: Now, how are we going to get my Homey back?
Willie: I’ll kidnap him for fifty, deprogram him for a hundred, and I’ll kill him for five hundred.
Marge: No no no. Just the first two.
Willie: Alright. I’ll throw in the killin’ for free.

Cletus: Stranger, you’re ‘atrespassing on my dirt farm.
Leader: Uhh… do you happen to need a Messiah?
Cletus: No, but I’ll take them money bags from ye.
Leader: I should have stayed with the Promise Keepers.

Skinner: Remember, Otto. We’re trusting you with our greatest natural resource. The school bus.

Bart: I must find him not guilty.
Milhouse: All right!
Martin: But he ate our food!
Lisa: The law has spoken.
Nelson: Ah, sucks to the law.

Sideshow Mel: You can be so cruel when you’re sober.
Krusty: Well I’ll fix that! I’m going on the bender to end all benders.

Kent the Clown: Today’s top joke: It seems a local moron threw his clock out the window. We’ll tell you why after this.

Krusty: I learned something tonight, kid. It ain’t comedy that’s in my blood. It’s selling out.

Marge: Simpson gene? That’s just foolishness!
Grampa: No, baldness too.

Mrs. Krabappel: Now who’s calculator can tell me what seven times eight is?

Jimbo: Videotaping this crime spree is the best idea we’ve ever had!

Bart: Come on, Ralph, your dad’s a cop. There must be some cool stuff around here. Bullets, dead body photos, what-have-you.
Ralph: He keeps that stuff in his closet, but he says I’m not allowed in there.
Bart: Did he say I’m not allowed in there?
Ralph: Yes.

Ralph Wiggum: That’s where I saw the leprechaun! He told me to burn things.

Chief Wiggum: What is your fascination with my Forbidden Closet of Mystery?

Bart: Hey come on! I thought we were friends.
Jimbo: Yeah, well, I hope the irony’s not lost on you, Simpson.

Ralph: The pointy kitty took it!

Mr. Burns: Smithers! There’s a rocket in my pocket.
Smithers: You don’t have to tell me sir.

Chief Wiggum: Alright people, listen up. The harder you push, the faster we get out of here.

Mr. Burns: Hm. A pack of vicious dogs should be ripping you to pieces.
Homer: I don’t know what to tell you.
Mr. Burns: Very well. Come on in. Perhaps I have something I can scald you with.

McBain: McBain to base: Under attack by Commie Nazis.

Season 10

Lisa: These are for pierced ears.
Sherri: Yeah, aren’t they great?
Terri: Alex did ours.
Alex Whitney (Lisa Kudrow): Yeah, all you need is a thumbtack and a lot of paper towels.

Ralph: This snowflake tastes like fish sticks!

Smithers: It’s no use. Should I send out for some Chinese?
Mr. Burns: No, those people are all gristle. I want this jar open!

Lisa: But we can’t accept that money. It’s tainted.
Skinner: Now now. Leave the money out of this. It’s not the money’s fault you cheated.

Mrs. Krabappel: Now who can tell me the atomic weight of bolognium.
Martin: Oo! Delicious?
Mrs. Krabappel: Correct. I would also accept “snacktacular.”

Ralph: Hi Super Nintendo Chalmers!

Manjula: A chocolate husband! Oh, how darling.
Apu from inside the chocolate: I can’t breathe!
Manjula: Oh! My husband. You are the sweetest filling of all.
Apu: My ears are filled with nougat. There’s a nut in my eye.

Chief Wiggum: Why are the pretty ones always insane.

Karma-ceuticals Owner: You’re about to take a journey into the mind. You may see and experience things that are strange and frightening. But remember: they can’t physically harm you. Though they may destroy you mentally.

Senior Woman: What a lovely ending!
Bart: They cut out the best word!
Hans Moleman: Didn’t that movie used to have a war in it?
Orderly: Come on! You’ve been warned.

Nurse: Come on, Bart. We don’t want to overstimulate these people. They just had pudding.

Grampa: I haven’t felt this relaxed and carefree since I was watch commander at Pearl Harbor.

Comic Book Guy: Once again. my underwear has become tangled on a cow catcher.

Mr. Burns: Where’s my monster, tubby? What do you think I’m paying you people for?
Homer: Um, to work in your power plant?
Willie: You’re not paying me anything!
Professor Frink: You kidnapped me.

Professor Frink: This isn’t the monsterometer. It’s the frog-exaggerator!