The Simpsons The Simpsons Seasons

Season 11

1999.09.06    

Dan Castellaneta  Ed Asner  Garry Marshall  Hank Azaria  Harry Shearer  Jan Hooks  Joe Mantegna  John Goodman  Julie Kavner  Lucy Lawless  Marcia Wallace  Mark McGwire  Mel Gibson  Nancy Cartwright  Pamela Hayden  Parker Posey  Penn Jillette  Ron Howard  Teller  Tim Robbins  Tress MacNeille  Yeardley Smith

Beyond Blunderdome

Fridays are not “pants optional”

Saleswoman: Thinking of saying goodbye to gas?
Bart: You betcha! {he burps}
Marge: Bart! {she passes gas} Well that shut me up.

Mel Gibson: Don’t forget to be completely truthful when you fill out your opinion cards. Honesty is the foundation of the movie business.

Mel Gibson: Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea. I’m sorry I dragged you out here. Let me pay your bus fare home.

Studio Executive: You desecrated a classic film. This is worse than Godfather 3.
Mel Gibson: Woah. Hey. Woah. Let’s not say things we can’t take back.

Mel Gibson: I’m getting too old for this crap.
Homer: How old are you anyway?
Mel Gibson: Well I’ve been told I can play anywhere from 28 to—
Homer: Sorry I asked!

Mel Gibson: Take the wheel, Lisa.
Lisa: But my dad—
Mel Gibson: I said you!

Brother’s Little Helper

Pork is not a verb

Principal Skinner: I’m afraid I’ll have to expel your son. Unless you’re willing to try a radical, untested, potentially dangerous—
Homer: Candybar?
Principal Skinner: No! It’s a new drug called Focusin.

Principal Skinner: Good Lord! He’s gotten into the pep closet.
Homer: I’d say he’s coming out of the pep closet.

Lisa: I’m so glad you’re here. Bart’s really acting funny.
Homer: Ray J funny or O.J. funny?

Homer: Hey! I had Lenny’s name on that.
Bart: They have it now.
Lisa: Who are “they” exactly?
Bart: Who else? Major League Baseball.

Mr. Burns: Smithers! We’re at war.
Smithers: I’ll begin profiteering, sir.

Mark McGwire: Young Bart here was right. We are spying on you pretty much around the clock.
Bart: But why, Mr. McGwire?
Mark McGwire: Do you want to know the terrifying truth or do you want to see me sock a few dingers!
Townsfolk: Dingers! Dingers!

Guess Who’s Coming to Criticize Dinner?

I am not the last Don

Homer: If he’s so smart how come he’s dead?

Bart: Check it out dad, you can print out the headlines from the day you were born.
Homer: Pointless nostalgia.

Editor (Ed Asner): This is a joke, right? I mean this is the stupidest thing I’ve ever read!
Homer: What’s wrong with it?
Editor: You keep using words like “pasghetti” and “momatoes.” You make numerous threatening references to the UN. And at the end you repeat the words “Screw Flanders” over and over again.

Restaurant Owner: Come on! You’re gonna kill him with a pastry? I’ve seen the man eat a bowl of change.
French Chef: This eclair is over one million calories. Twenty-five pounds of butter per square inch. Covered with chocolate so dark, light cannot escape its surface!

Marge: Only your father could take a part-time job at a small town paper and wind up the target of international assassins.

Treehouse of Horror X

Lisa: What do aliens have to do with Halloween?

Lisa: We’ve gotta go to the police!
Bart: They’ll never believe a Simpson killed a Flanders by accident. Even I have my doubts.

Homer: Okay Marge, you hide in the abandoned amusement park. Lisa, the pet cemetery. Bart, spooky roller disco. And I’ll go skinny dipping in that lake where the sexy teens were killed a hundred years ago tonight.

Skinner: Uh oh. Radiation. Duck and cover!

Skinner: Oh my god! Lisa! She’s been crushed. And so have the hopes of our Mathletics team.

Lucy Lawless: Must remove my breastplate! {Xena fans start snapping photos} Maybe later.

The Collector: I have here the only working phaser ever built. It was fired only once. To keep William Shatner from making another album.

Lisa: Bart just let me drop and save yourself!
Bart: What do you think I’ve been trying to do!

Bart: Wow! Thanks for saving us.
Lucy Lawless: No problem. Now let’s get you kids home.
Lucy flies, carrying Bart and Lisa.
Lisa: Wait a minute, Xena can’t fly.
Lucy Lawless: I told you, I’m not Xena. I’m Lucy Lawless.

Lenny: Hey Homer, weren’t you the plant’s Y2K compliance officer?
Homer: Absolutely.
Carl: Must have been hard debugging all those computers, huh, Homer?
Homer: Doin’ what now?
Lisa: You did fix them, right Dad? Because even a single faulty unit could corrupt every other computer in the world.
Homer: That can’t be true, honey. If it were I’d be terrified.

Homer: Well those Ivory Tower eggheads have screwed us again.

Lisa: Look at the “wonders” of the computer age now.
Homer: Wonders Lisa? Or blunders?
Lisa: I think that was implied by what I said.
Homer: Implied… Or implode?

E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)

I did not win the Nobel Fart Prize

Movie Clerk: I’m sorry, but we’re not supposed to put butter on the milk duds.
Homer: You’re not supposed to go to the bathroom without washing your hands either.
Movie Clerk: Touché.

Zorro: I am Zorro. I have come to return King Arthur to the throne.
Bart: It’s a history lesson come to live.
Lisa: No it isn’t! It’s totally inaccurate.
Bart: Quiet. Here come the ninjas.

Homer: I had the worst nightmare. This glove kept slapping people and I was getting blamed.

Country Folk: Well well. Look at the city slicker pulling up in his fancy German car.
Homer: This car was made in Guatemala.
Country Folk: Well pardon us, Mr. Gucci loafers.
Homer: I bought these shoes from a hobo!
Country Folk: Well lah-di-dah, Mr. Park Avenue manicure.
Homer: I’m sorry, I believe in good grooming.

Homer: It’s been a month. Why won’t anything grow?
Marge: Maybe it needs more fertilizer.
Homer: I’m only one man.

Homer: Brace yourselves, everybody. You’re about to see the hugest, juiciest, possibly super intelligent vegetables man has ever known!

Lisa: Tomacco? That’s pretty clever, Dad. I mean for a product that’s evil and deadly.
Homer: Aw, thanks honey.

Lisa: Dad, this might be one of those things you should go to the hospital for.
Homer: After pie.

Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder

I won’t not use no double negatives

Krusty: Kids, today we have to talk about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum-like Substance. We knew it contained spider eggs but the Hanta Virus! That really came out of left field. So if any of you’ve experienced numbness or comas send proof of purchase and five dollars to Antidote, P.O. Box 14—

Mrs. Krabappel: Mr. Simpson bowled a perfect game, without the aid of steroids, crack, angel dust or the other narcotics that are synonymous with pro bowling.

Homer climbing over Ron to center square: Hey, hi Ron!
Ron Howard: There’s a stairway, dumbass!

Teller: Will you shut up!
Homer: Hey, I thought you never talked.
Teller: I didn’t mean to. It just slipped out. Oh god, now Penn’s gonna beat me.
Penn Jillette: Folks, it’s all part of the act.
Teller: No it isn’t! Don’t leave me alone with him!
Penn to Homer: You ruined the act! I’m gonna kill you!
Teller: He’ll do it.
I’m not the first Teller.

Homer: Lisa, I know what’s going on here. They did it to Jesus and now they’re doing it to me.
Marge: Are you comparing yourself to our Lord?
Homer: Well in bowling ability.

Homer: Well World, this is it. You know I always thought you’d die before me. Now as I prepare my soul for an eternity of fire and poking—
Fellow Jumper: Yeah. Less chat, more splat, pal.

Eight Misbehavin’

Indian burns are not our cultural heritage

Lisa: Oo! I want to get the Krünk.
Marge: You don’t want something that overshadows the pencils. How about this “Pöpli”?
Lisa: Mom, no! Everyone at school picks on the Pöpli kids. Even I do! I just hate them so much.

Marge: Maggie loves baby talk.
Manjula (Jan Hooks): That was Hindi.

Homer: Kids are the best, Apu. You can teach them to hate the things you hate. And they practically raise themselves, what with the internet and all.

Apu: There comes a time in a man’s life when he asks himself, who will float my corpse down the Ganges.
Manjula: Oh Apu, take me now! {she flips out the light}
Apu: Oh! Calcutta!

Homer: Look, just give me some ice cream. {Apu hands him a carton} Um… how about one not touching your ass?

Homer: Man, the last nine months sure were crazy.
Bart: I’ll say. I learned the true meaning of Columbus Day.
Marge: I enjoyed a brief but memorable stint as Sideshow Marge.
Lisa: I became the most popular girl in school. But blew it by being conceited.
Bart: And then I learned the true meaning of winter.

Larry Kidkill (Garry Marshall): Get ready for the eight wonders of the third world. Welcome to Octopia!

Apu: If the police won’t help us we’ll simply have to take the law into our own hands.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah yeah. A lot of people are doing that these days.

Take My Wife, Sleaze

I can’t see dead people

Wolfguy Jack: Well well well. I have never seen such reckless disregard for a wife’s well-being in my life. You just won yourselves a motorcycle!

Homer: Hey! Don’t make me hassle you, Lisa.

Homer: The first meeting of Hell’s Satans is called to order.
Ned: I move we reconsider our club name. Make it something a little less blasphemous. After all, we don’t want to go to hell.
Moe: How about the Devil’s Pals?
Lenny: The Christ Punchers.
Ned: The Christ— I don’t think you understand my objection.

Chief Wiggum: The gang is wanted in seven other states. And we have a little saying around here: let Michigan handle it.

Marge: Could you at least tell me what you’re planning to do with me?
Meat Hook (John Goodman): Oh, don’t worry, you’re safe. None of us find you sexually attractive.
Marge: None of you? really? I could have sworn that Ram Rod— Well, did you see that picture of me in… ?
Meat Hook: Sorry.
Marge: Well good. I guess.

Meat Hook: There’s only one reasonable way to settle this. You and me in the Circle of Death.
Marge: Oh. I just swept the Circle of Death.

Grift of the Magi

I will not sell my kidney on eBay

Homer: What’s going on? And I want the non-gay explanation.
Milhouse: Uh. We’re drunk. Really drunk.
Homer: Oh thank god.

Principal Skinner: Two hundred thousand dollars. Are you mad?
Fat Tony: I don’t get mad. I get stabby.

Bart: You know what our homework is? Find a toy and bring it to class.
Marge: Boy, that sounds fun.
Bart: I know! But I’m still not gonna do it.

Lisa: Don’t you think there’s something weird going on here? We spent all day selecting fabric swatches and then our guest speaker was Phil from marketing.

Krusty: So have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Kwazy Kwanzaa, a Tip Top Tet and a solemn and dignified Ramadan. Now a word from my god: our sponsor.

Lisa: Instead of giving us an education they tricked us into designing a toy. Aren’t you outraged?
Bart: No. But if you’re gonna throw a spaz I’ll come with.
Lisa: Good. Saddle up the bikes.

Lisa: You people took advantage of trusting school children!
Jim Hope (Tim Robbins): How did you get past Gary Coleman?
Bart: Let’s just say he’s a few prawns short of a galaxy.

Lindsey Naegle: Lisa, I know you’re mad. But just for a damn minute try to see this from a product positioning standpoint.

Little Big Mom

I will not create art from dung

Homer: Stupid sexy Flanders!

Marge: I can’t be in the hospital. Tomorrow is laundry day, and I’ve got to de-meat Lisa’s bologna.

Lisa: You know, the reason for the hat—
Homer: Oh it’s a great hat. No one’s questioning the hat.

Nurse: You’re here to rest. If you want the window clean just push the call button.
Marge: Oh I don’t want to be a bother.
Nurse: Wouldn’t bother us. It just turns up your morphine.

Lisa: Will you guys turn that thing down!
Homer: Sweetie, if we didn’t turn it down for the cops, what chance will you have?

About Hawaii
Homer: We’ll take the cure, bag a few lobsters, then watch some gay guys get married.

Faith Off

I will stop phoning it in

Dr. Hibbert: I’m afraid it’s hopeless. Beneath that bucket he’s more glue than man.

Brother Faith: Brother, I sense you are feeling trapped and desperate.
Homer: Yeah! And I got a bucket on my head.

Homer: I see the light! It burns!

Bart: How’d you really get the bucket off my dad’s head?
Brother Faith: Well I didn’t, son. You did. God gave you the power.
Bart: Really? Hm. I would think he would want to limit my power.

Bart: Devil be gone!
Ralph Wiggum: My milk money! And my milk.

Lisa: Bart, I hope you don’t believe your own hype.

Today’s Topic: Life in Hell

Lisa: Do you have any food that wasn’t brutally slaughtered?
Homer: Well I think the veal might have died of loneliness.

The Mansion Family

Class Clown is not a paid position

Homer: Oh! Why won’t anyone give me an award.
Lisa: You won a Grammy.
Homer: I mean an award that’s worth winning.

Lisa: Wow, it’s got every Nancy Drew. Even the controversial Clue in the Clock. Tsk tsk tsk. So many swears.

Mr. Burns: Let’s see, social security number. Naught-naught-naught, naught-naught, naught-naught-naught-two. Damn Roosevelt. {…} “Cause of parents’ death.” Got in my way.

Pirate: And now we will cut you loose. For liability purposes it is the ocean that will kill you, not us.

Saddlesore Galactica

Substitute teachers are not scabs

Lisa: I hate to be a killjoy, but do you really think we can win doing Stars & Stripes Forever? It’s so Beginner Band. And we’re Advanced Beginner Band.
Ralph Wiggum: This is Band?

Milhouse: How about something cool? Like Camptown Races.
Nelson Muntz: Hey Grandpa, the Civil War’s over.

Bart: Who are those pleasant old men?
Homer: That’s BTO. They’re Canada’s answer to EOP. Their big hit was TCB. That’s how we talked in the 70s. We didn’t have a moment to spare!

Homer: See Marge? I told you they could deep fry my shirt.
Marge: I didn’t say they couldn’t. I said you shouldn’t.

Lou: You gotta stop being so trusting, Chief.
Chief Wiggum
: I’d rather let a thousand guilty men go free than chase after them.

Comic Book Guy: Worst. Episode. Ever.

Alone Again, Natura-Diddily

My suspension was not “mutual”

Dr. Hibbert: Hm. A Ford urinating on a Chevrolet.
Mrs. Hibbert: Don’t you usually laugh at everything?
Dr. Hibbert not laughing: Yes. Yes, I do.

Rev. Lovejoy: In many ways Maude Flanders was the supporting player in our lives. She didn’t grab our attention with memorable catchphrases or colorful accents. But whether you noticed her or not, Maude was always there. And we thought she always would be.

Todd: Keep firing. Convert the heathens.
Bart: Got him!
Todd: No, you just winged him. Now he’s a Unitarian.

Ned Flanders: I just gotta work through the grief. There’s not going to be an easy answer.
Homer: Easy answer, eh?

Bart: Do you even have a job anymore?
Homer: I think it’s pretty obvious that I don’t.

Ned Flanders: Homer I’m having second thoughts. I feel so disloyal to Maude.
Homer: Oh wake up, Ned! You think Maude isn’t dating in Heaven?
Ned: You think she would?
Homer: How could she not! The place is full of eligible bachelors.
John Wayne, Tupac Shakur, Sherlock Holmes.
Ned: Sherlock Holmes is a character.
Homer: He sure is.

Missionary: Impossible

A belch is not an oral report

Bart: You’re watching PBS?
Homer: Hey, I’m as surprised as you.

PBS Pledge Drive Host: Not hard to see why it’s England’s longest running series. And today we’re showing all seven episodes.

Lisa: Mom! Dad’s on PBS!
Marge: Mmm. They don’t show police chases, do they?

Marge: From now on one of us always stays home.
Lisa: Agreed.

Homer: Save me, Jebus!

Rev. Lovejoy: I suggested missionary work and he jumped at the idea.
Marge: Missionary work?
Bart: He’s dead, isn’t he?

Craig: We taught them some English and ridiculed away most of their beliefs.
Amy: So you can take it from there.

Homer: If The Flintstone’s has taught us anything, it’s that pelicans can be used to mix cement.

Lisa Jr.: Please help us. Our island has not been this damaged since the A-bomb tests.

Pledge Drive Host: Sure, FOX makes a fortune from advertising. But it’s still not enough.
Rupert Murdoch: Not nearly enough!
Betty White: So if you don’t want to see crude low-brow programming disappear from the airwaves, please, call now.

Rupert Murdoch picking up phone: Hello, Murdoch here. […] ten thousand dollars? You’ve saved my network!
Bart: Wouldn’t be the first time.

Pygmoelian

Dodgeball stops at the gym door

Moe: I must be the ugliest man alive.
Homer: Oh Moe, there’s lots of people uglier than you. Like, you ever been to White Castle?

Gay Republican: We need a symbol. Something that says we’re gay and Republican. {the pink elephant balloon floats through}

Carl: Hey Lenny, how are things working out with you and that girl next door?
Lenny: Eh, it’s over. She got a window shade.

Moe: Yeah, hey, I’ve got a gift. As a child, I was bitten by the acting bug. Then it burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart. Now those eggs are hatching and I, uh, the feeling is indescribable.
Homer: I know what you mean. Our dog had that.

Bart to the Future

“Non-flammable” is not a challenge

Bart: Hey! An Indian casino.
Homer: God bless Native America.

Casino Owner: So. You like to sneak into casinos.
Bart: I wasn’t gonna gamble. I just wanted a Bloody Mary.
Casino Owner: Listen to me: unless you change your deceitful ways, I foresee a life of bitterness and failure for you, Bart Simpson.
Bart: How’d you know my name?
Casino Owner: Your father just took out a second mortgage downstairs. You’re listed as collateral.

Bart: Way to make a guitar, Sears.

Bart: I can’t believe “smell you later” replaced goodbye.

Homer: Why can’t you be more like Lisa?
Bart: I am so sick of hearing about Lisa. Look, just because she’s doing a little better than me—
Marge: She’s President of the United States!
Bart: President-Elect. I could have been President, but I’m too real.

Marge: We’re not giving you money.
Bart: Oh! But I want some.

Lisa: As you know, we’ve inherited quite a budget crunch from President Trump. How bad is it, Secretary van Houten?
Milhouse: We’re broke.

Bart: You’ve changed, Lisa. You used to be cool.
Lisa: No I didn’t.

Chinese Ambassador: You pay now! Now!
Bart: What happened to you, China? You used to be cool.
Chinese Ambassador: Hey, China still cool!

Bart: Why did a vision of my future include a story about Homer and Lincoln’s gold?
Casino Owner: I guess the spirits thought the main vision was a little thin.

Days of Wine and D’oh’ses

I was not touched “there” by an angel

Homer: I don’t remember the air in the kitchen being so wavy.

Homer: Wait a minute, Barney. You gotta be sober to fly. It’s not like driving a car.
Barney: Then I’m gonna stop drinking!

Barney: Hello. My name is Barney and I’m an alcoholic.
Sarcastic Guy: I feel for ya, pal-y. But you want AA. This is AAA.
Homer: My name is Homer and I’m planning a trip to St. Louis.
Sarcastic Guy: East St. Louis?
Homer: Is there any other St. Louis.

Homer: Hey Apu, you got any of those potato chips that cause diarrhea? I need to do a little spring cleaning.

Barney: You brave man! You took six Silver Bullets for me.

Bart: We should be safe up here. I’m pretty sure fires can’t climb trees.

Kill the Alligator and Run

I am not here on a fartball scholarship

Bart: This isn’t real money. It’s printed by the Montana Militia.
Homer: It’ll be real soon enough.

Homer: Florida? But that’s America’s wang.
Plant Psychiatrist: They prefer the Sunshine State.

Last Tap Dance in Springfield

I will not dance on anyone’s grave

Marge: I remember Lil’ Vicki Valentine. Her perky smile and dancing brought America right out of the Depression.
Lisa: Well I think World War II helped a little, Mom.
Marge: Don’t smart mouth, Lisa.

Chief Wiggum: We’ll catch that mallrat.

Vicki Valentine: Giving everyone an equal part when they’re clearing not equal is called what again, class?
Class: Communism!
Vicki Valentine: That’s right. And I didn’t tap all those morse code messages to the Allies ’til my shoes filled with blood just to roll out the welcome mat for the Reds.

Vicki Valentine: I’m sorry, Lisa. People go to a children’s dance recital expecting a certain level of professionalism.

Marge: Where’s Lisa?
Homer: Sh! The plot is hard enough to follow as it is.

Vicki Valentine: Self-tapping shoes? I’m ever so pissed!
Lisa: I’m sorry, Vicki. I just wanted to be a dancer so badly.
Vicki Valentine: I understand. We all do crazy things when we’re desperate. I once destroyed Buddy Epsen’s credit rating.
Marge: Why?
Vicki Valentine: Oh, he knows why.

Homer: You can always write a depressing Broadway play of some kind.
Lisa: You think so?
Marge: Sure! It could be a story about people coming to terms with things.
Homer: Heck yeah! You could load it up with lots of swears. That’s what David Mamet does.

It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge

I cannot hire a substitute student

Marge: Homer, look! We’re invited to Otto’s wedding. {she opens the invite} Oo, and such delicate tissue paper. Huh. “Zig Zag.”

Marge: I thought you might want to see this bridal magazine. It’s got nine hundred tips for the perfect marriage. All don’ts.
Becky (Parker Posey): We’ll be fine. Otto’s got a clean police record and he doesn’t do any needle drugs.

Becky: Wow! You’re a real life Martha Stewart. I mean without the evil.

Marge: Don’t mess with me. I’ve got jimmies!
Waiter: I can only see a horrible rainbow!

Lisa: Poor Maggie. How many insanity hearings have you been to in your short little life?

Behind the Laughter

I will not obey the voices in my head

Marge: Nobody told us how tough it is to raise kids. They almost drove me to fortified wine.
Homer: Then we figured out we could park them in front of the TV. That’s how I was raised and I turned out TV.

Marge: Okay, the material was a little corny, but Homer and I had real chemistry on screen.
Homer: Every day I thought about firing Marge. You know, just to shake things up.

Lenny: Even Bart was throwing dough around. He paid me and Carl a thousand bucks to kiss each other.
Carl: Hey did we ever get that money?
Narrator: But reckless spending and interracial homoeroticism were just volume one of the Encyclopedia Self-Destructica.

Homer: Why did I take such punishment? Let’s just say fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.

Marge: I learned something. When people reach for their diaphragm, they don’t want to see my picture.

Homer: I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute.

Narrator: The Simpsons tv show started out on a wing and a prayer. But now the wing was on fire and the prayer had been answered. By Satan.

Narrator: The Simpsons’ bitter past was forgotten. And now the future looks brighter than ever for this Northern Kentucky family.