The Simpsons Updates Halloween

Treehouse of Horror


Daniel Radcliffe  Fran Drescher  James Earl Jones  Jennifer Garner  Jerry Springer  Lucy Lawless  Richard Lewis

Treehouse of Horror

Marge: Hello, everyone. You know, Halloween is a very strange holiday. Personally, I don’t understand it. Kids worshipping ghosts, pretending to be devils. Things on TV that are completely inappropriate for young viewers. Things like the following half-hour! Nothing seems to bother my kids, but tonight’s show—which I totally wash my hands of—is really scary. So if you have sensitive children, maybe you should tuck them in early tonight instead of writing us angry letters tomorrow. Thanks for your attention.

Marge: I’m not going to live in a house of evil just to save a few dollars.
Homer: Don’t be so stubborn! We’re not talking about a few dollars. We’re talking about a few thousand dollars! {he floats upwards as he talks} It’s got great high ceilings!

Marge: This family has had its differences and we’ve squabbled, but we’ve never had knife fights before. And I blame this house.

Bart: Do it again!
The House: What?
Bart: Make the walls bleed.
The House: No.
Bart: Hey man, we own you. Let’s see some blood.
The House: I don’t have to entertain you.
Bart: Come on, man, do it! Do the blood thing.

Lisa: It chose to destroy itself rather than lie with us. You can’t help but feel a little rejected.

Kang (Shearer): Greetings, Earthlings, I am Kang. Do not be frightened. We mean you no harm.

Serak the Preparer (James Earl Jones): Here you go Earthlings. Take all you want, but eat all you take.
Marge: Well thank you very much, Mr.—
Serak the Preparer: To pronounce it correctly, I would have to pull out your tongue.
Marge: Ew.

Marge: For a superior race, they really rub it in.

Bart: Are we scared yet?
Lisa: Bart! He’s establishing mood.

Homer: Oh. Oh, I hate Halloween.

Treehouse of Horror II

Marge: Hello, everyone. Before last year’s Halloween show, I warned you not to let your children watch. But you did anyway. Mm. Well, this year’s episode is even worse. It’s scarier, more violent, and I think they snuck in some bad language too. So please, tuck in your children and— Well, if you didn’t listen to me last time, you’re not going to now. Enjoy the show.

Homer: What a dump! Why would Princess Grace live in a place like this?
Lisa: Dad, that’s Monaco.
Homer: D’oh!

Marge: Homer, there’s something I don’t like about that severed hand.

Kid about the Bart t-shirt: $18 for this? What a rip off!

Lisa: I wish for world peace.
Homer: Lisa that was very selfish of you!

England: Eh, sorry about the Falklands, old boy.
Argentina: Oh, forget it. We kind of knew they were yours.

Kodos: People of Earth! We come to you in the spirit of hostility and menace!

Kang: Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons!

Mrs. Krabappel: Well class, the history of our country has been changed again. To correspond with Bart’s answers on yesterday’s test. America was now discovered in 1942 by… “Some Guy.” And our country isn’t called America anymore. It’s “Boner Land.”

Mr. Burns: Bad corpse! Bad corpse! Stop scaring Smithers!

Mr. Burns: Dammit, Smithers! This isn’t rocket science, it’s brain surgery.

Treehouse of Horror III

Homer: Good evening. I’ve been asked to tell you that the following show is very scary. It’s stuff that might give your kids nightmares. You see, there are some crybabies out there—religious types, mostly—who might be offended. If you are one of them, I advise you to turn off your set now. Come on, I dare you. {clucking} Chicken! {the lights go out} Hey!
Marge: Homer, did you just call everyone “chicken”?
Homer: No. I swear on this Bible!
Marge: That’s not a Bible, that’s a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mm… fuzzy.

Marge: Where’d you get all the money?
Grampa Simpson: The government. I didn’t earn it. I don’t need it. But if they miss one payment, I’ll raise hell!

Homer: Do you sell toys?
Shopkeeper: We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread. We also sell frozen yogurt. Which I call “frogurt”.

Shopkeeper: Take this object. But beware—it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Oo, that’s bad!
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free frogurt.
Homer: That’s good.
Shopkeeper: The frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That’s bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of topping.
Homer: That’s good.
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate. {no reaction} That’s bad.
Homer: Can I go now?

Bart: I’d say that the pressure’s finally gotten to dad, but, what pressure?

Patty: There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.

Homer: The doll’s trying to kill me and the toaster’s been laughing at me!

Bart: Grampa, why don’t you tell us a story. You’ve led an interesting life.
Grampa: That’s a lie and you know it! But I have seen a lot of movies…

Mr. Burns: What do you think, Smithers?
Smithers: I think women and seamen don’t mix.
Mr. Burns: We know what you think.

Bart: I’ve got a story so scary you’ll wet your pants.
Grampa: Too late.

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, do you mean to tell me you read a book intended for preschoolers?
Bart: Well, most of it.

Lisa: Bart! You cast the wrong spell! Zombies!
Bart: Please, Lis. They prefer to be called the living impaired.

Bart: I thought dabbling in the Black Arts would be good for a chuckle. How wrong I was.

Homer cocking a shotgun: To the book depository!

Bart: Dad! You killed the zombie Flanders.
Homer: He was a zombie?

Marge: Well I’m sure glad we didn’t turn into mindless zombies.
Bart: Sh! TV.

Treehouse of Horror IV

Bart: Paintings. Lifeless images rendered in colorful goop. But at night, they take on a life of their own. They become portals to Hell, so scary and horrible and gruesome that—
Marge: Bart, you should warn people this episode is very frightening. Maybe they’d rather listen to that old War of the Worlds broadcast on MPR.
Bart: Yes, Mother.
Marge: Good! Now you hold Maggie. I’m going to buy earrings at the gift shop.

Homer: Stay calm. Remember your training. {checks the emergency procedures book} “Dear Homer, I.O.U. one emergency donut. Signed Homer.” Bastard! He’s always one step ahead! I’d sell my soul for a donut.
Devil Flanders: That can be arranged.
Homer: Flanders! You’re the Devil?
Devil Flanders: It’s always the one you least suspect.

Mr. Burns: Who’s that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib.
Smithers: Prince of Darkness, sir. He’s your eleven o’clock.

Devil Flanders: Hey Bart.
Bart: Hey.

Ironic Punishment Division: I don’t understand it. James Coburn went mad in fifteen minutes.

Devil Flanders: I give you the jury of the damned! Benedict Arnold. Lizzie Borden. Richard Nixon.
Nixon: But I’m not dead yet. In fact I just wrote an article for Redbook.
Devil Flanders: Hey listen, I did a favor for you.
Nixon: Yes, master.
Devil Flanders: John Wilkes Booth. Blackbeard the Pirate. John Dillinger. And the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers.

Bart checking his sheets: I hope this is sweat.

Homer: Lisa. Vampires are make-believe. Just like elves, gremlins and Eskimos.

Marge: Homer, we have to do something. Today he’s drinking people’s blood. Tomorrow he could be smoking.

Homer: Kill my boss?! Do I dare live out the American dream?

Treehouse of Horror V

Marge: Hello once again. As usual, I must warn you all that this year’s Halloween show is very, very scary, and those of you with young children may want to send them off to bed. {reading} Oh my! It seems the show is so scary that Congress won’t even let us show it. Instead they’ve suggested the 1947 classic Glenn Ford movie, 200 Miles to Oregon.

Mr. Burns: That’s odd. Usually the blood gets off on the second floor.

Willie thinking: Go easy on the wee one. His father’s gonna go crazy and chop ’em all into haggis.
Bart: What’s haggis?
Willie: You read my thoughts. You’ve got the shinning!
Bart: You mean “shining.”
Willie: Shh! You want to get sued?

Homer: So what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of “No TV and no beer make Homer… something something.”
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer: Don’t mind if I do!

Marge on a CB radio: Hello, police? This is Marge Simpson. My husband’s on a murderous rampage. Over.
Chief Wiggum: Oh. Well thank god that’s over. I was afraid there for a second.

Homer: Television! Teacher. Mother. Secret lover.

Homer: Look at that! I’m the first non-Brazilian person to travel backwards through time.

Treehouse of Horror VI

Homer: Ah, the Neon Mile. Where value wears a neon sombrero and there’s not a single church or library to offend the eye. {sees the Lard Lad} There it is! The chain that put the fat in fat Southern sheriffs.

Bart on the Devil’s shoulder: What are you waiting for? Wreck the school. You know you wanna. I agree! Wreck the school.

Homer: He came to life. Good for him.

Homer: Don’t you ever get tired of being wrong all the time?
Marge: Sometimes.

Ad Man: Advertising is a funny thing. If you stop paying attention to it, pretty soon it goes away.
Lisa: Like that old woman who couldn’t find the beef?
Ad Man: Exactly!

Ad Man: Well it’ll sound a lot better coming out of Paul Anka.

Kent Brockman: Even as I speak, the scourge of advertising could be heading toward your town. Lock our doors, bar your windows. Because the next advertisement you see could destroy your house and eat your family!
Homer: We’ll be right back.

Mrs. Krabappel: Remember class, the worse you do on this standardized test, the more funding the school gets. So don’t knock yourselves out.

Marge: Kids, it’s time we told you the true story and put your fears to rest. It’s the story of murder and revenge from beyond the grave.

Homer: “Do not touch Willie”. Good advice.

Bart: Wait a minute, if you’re here then you’ve fallen asleep too!
Lisa: I’m not asleep. I’m just resting my eye— Uh oh.
Bart: Goodbye, Bart!
Lisa: Goodbye, Lis. I hope you get reincarnated as someone who can stay awake for fifteen minutes.

Homer: Well it’s my house so it’s my spot.
Bart: Nuh uh, ’cause we called it.
Homer: Did not.
Lisa: Well we’re calling it now.
Homer: You are?
Bart: ‘Fraid so.
Homer: Oh! They got me with their legal mumbo jumbo.

Homer: That’s weird. It’s like something out of that twilight-y show about that zone.

Marge: Homer, where are you?
Homer: Uh, I’m somewhere where I don’t know where I am.
Marge: Do you see towels? If you see towels you’re probably in the linen closet again.

Homer: Mmmm… unprocessed fish sticks.

Homer: Man, this place looks expensive. I feel like I’m wasting a fortune just standing here.

Marge: Bart, what happened?
Bart: Well we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself. But Dad seemed cautiously optimistic.
Homer: Crap!!!!!!!!!!!!

Homer: Oh my god. This is the worst place yet. {walking along} Oo! Erotic cakes.

Treehouse of Horror VII

Marge: You went into the attic? I’m very disappointed and terrified.

Dr. Hibbert: You don’t forget a thing like Siamese twins!
Lisa: I believe they prefer to be called “conjoined twins.”
Dr. Hibbert: And hillbillies prefer to be called “sons of the soil.” But it ain’t gonna happen.

Lisa: My god, I’ve created life!
Marge: Lisa! Breakfast. We’re having waffles.
Lisa: Oo! Waffles!

Lisa: Wait. One of them is nailing something to the door of the cathedral. I’ve created Lutherans!

Homer: Oh my god, space aliens. Don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Kodos: Take us to your leader!
Homer: Well I guess you mean President Clinton. He usually hangs around Washington D.C.
Kodos: President Clin-ton. Excellent!
Homer: Except. Um. There’s this election next week so after that it might not be him anymore. It might be whats-his-name. Mumbly Joe. I saw him on TV the other… Bob Dole!

Kang: The politics of failure have failed. We need to make them work again. Tomorrow when you are sealed in the voting cubicle, vote for me. Senator Kan— Bob Dole.

Treehouse of Horror VIII

FOX Censor reading: No… no…. {starts laughing} No. I think we can do without the crack pipe. Oh, hi! As the FOX censor, it’s my job to protect you from reality. And thanks to my prudent editing, tonight’s special Halloween show has been rated TV G. This means there will be no raunchy NBC-style sex. Or senseless CBS-style violence. So sit back and enjoy a night of worry-free— {the ratings system stabs him} What the fudge! Oh for Pete’s sake! Jiminy Christmas! Darnit!

Mayor Quimby: I stand by my ethnic slur! Do your worst you filthy, pretentious savages.

Comic Book Guy staring down the bomb: Oh, I’ve wasted my life.

Homer eating out of a can: You call that prime rib? Yech.

Dr. Hibbert: Not everyone died in the blast, Homer. Some of us were horribly mutated.

Homer: Marge! Kids! You’re alive!
Lisa: All the layers of lead paint in this house made it the perfect bomb shelter.

Lisa: Wow, look at all these gadgets. If I were a nerd I’d be in Heaven.

Lisa: There’s one thing I don’t understand. When Bart went through the transporter, what happened to his head?
Homer: Eh. It’ll turn up somewhere.

Lisa: If they’re really witches why don’t they use their witch power to escape?
Homer: That sounds like witch-talk to me, Lisa.
Lisa: Never mind.

Marge: Let’s come to our sense, everyone. This witch hunt is turning into a circus.

Selma: You know, scaring people into giving us treats is fun. We should do this every year.
Marge: I just wish we hadn’t filled up on all those kids before we got to the Flanders.

Sea Captain: And it wasn’t long before this yearly custom became an annual tradition.

Treehouse of Horror IX

Marge: It’s almost as if he’s murdering from beyond the grave.
Lisa: I told you capital punishment wasn’t a deterrent.

Lisa: Of course. The transplant. Somehow Snake’s hair must be controlling—
Marge: Oh please, Lisa. Everyone’s already figured that out.

Lisa: Oh, Bart! That’s plutonium. It’s highly unstable.
Bart: Don’t you ever get tired of being wrong?

Bart: Lis, we’re characters in a cartoon!
Lisa: How humiliating.

Homer: Look! Marge! Maggie lost her baby legs.

Homer: Is there anything you can prescribe, Doctor?
Dr. Hibbert: Fire. And lots of it.
Marge: Oh that’s your cure for everything.

Marge: Homer, Kang is Maggie’s father.
Homer: You intergalactic hussy! How could you?

Kang: Insemination complete.
Marge: Really? That seemed awful quick.
Kang: What are you implying?

Bart: There’s only one man who can settle an argument this bizarre.

Audience Member: Yeah, I got a question for that gross thing, whatever it is.
Jerry Springer: Homer.

Marge: I can’t believe it. Jerry Springer didn’t solve our conflict.
Lisa: And now he’s dead.

Treehouse of Horror X

Lisa: What do aliens have to do with Halloween?

Lisa: We’ve gotta go to the police!
Bart: They’ll never believe a Simpson killed a Flanders by accident. Even I have my doubts.

Homer: Okay Marge, you hide in the abandoned amusement park. Lisa, the pet cemetery. Bart, spooky roller disco. And I’ll go skinny dipping in that lake where the sexy teens were killed one hundred years ago tonight.

Skinner: Uh oh. Radiation. Duck and cover!

Skinner: Oh my god! Lisa! She’s been crushed. And so have the hopes of our Mathletics team.

Lucy Lawless: Must remove my breastplate! {Xena fans start snapping photos} Maybe later.

The Collector: I have here the only working phaser ever built. It was fired only once. To keep William Shatner from making another album.

Lisa: Bart just let me drop and save yourself!
Bart: What do you think I’ve ben trying to do!

Bart: Wow! Thanks for saving us.
Lucy Lawless: No problem. Now let’s get you kids home.
Lucy flies, carrying Bart and Lisa.
Lisa: Wait a minute, Xena can’t fly.
Lucy Lawless: I told you, I’m not Xena. I’m Lucy Lawless.

Lenny: Hey Homer, weren’t you the plant’s Y2K compliance officer?
Homer: Absolutely.
Carl: Must have been hard debugging all those computers, huh, Homer?
Homer: Doin’ what now?
Lisa: You did fix them, right Dad? Because even a single faulty unit could corrupt every other computer in the world.
Homer: That can’t be true, honey. If it were I’d be terrified.

Homer: Well those Ivory Tower eggheads have screwed us again.

Lisa: Well look at the wonders of the computer age now.
Homer: Wonders Lisa? Or blunders?
Lisa: I think that was implied by what I said.
Homer: Implied, Lisa? Or implode?
Lisa: Mom, make him stop.

Treehouse of Horror XI

Homer: Who cut out Beetle Bailey? I need my Miss Buxley fix.
Marge: I don’t like you ogling her! Why don’t you read Cathy? She’s hilarious.
Homer: Eh. Too much baggage.

Homer: Snakes. Nature’s quitter.

Homer: That horoscope was baloney. Nothing happened except for the pickaxe in my head, the rattlesnake bite and the testicle thing.

Dr. Hibbert: Another broccoli-related death.
Marge: But I thought broccoli was—
Dr. Hibbert: Oh yes. One of the deadliest plants on Earth. Why, it tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.

Marge: Well I’ve got a whole list of chores. Clean the garage, paint the house—
Homer: Woah woah woah. I’m just trying to get in. I’m not running for Jesus.

Homer: I lost my job as an oaf today.
Marge: What? Oh why are the oafs the first to go?
Bart: Maybe you could be a dunce, Father.

Lisa: You know, she’s only fattening you up so she can eat you.
Bart: Eh. What are you going to do?
Lisa: You could at least stop basting yourself.

Mayor Quimby: People, please! We’re all frightened and horny. But we can’t let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring.

Lisa: Oh no, you poor thing. {she removes plastic and it bites her} Ow! Son of a—

Kang: Can you believe it, Kodos? They left us out of the Halloween show!
Kodos: Are you sure the space phone is working? {Kang checks} Hang up! They could be trying to call right now.
Kang: I knew we should have sent them a muffin basket.

Treehouse of Horror XII

Gypsy: You’ve ruined me! Oh why didn’t I see this coming!

Homer: Leprechauns? Don’t they live in Ireland?
Moe: Yeah, but they come over here in wheel wells of Aer Lingus jets.

They try the Dennis Miller Ultrahouse 3000 Voice:
Lisa: Isn’t the the voice that caused all those suicides?
Marge: Murder-suicides.

Homer: Trusting every aspect of our lives to a giant computer was the smartest thing we ever did.

Homer: Mmm…. unexplained bacon.

Homer: Die, you monster!
Lisa: Dad! That’s the water softener.
Homer: Well I am missing the back of my head. I think you could cut me some slack!

Mrs. Krabappel to Bart: Lisa’s casting spells at an eighth grade level. You’ve sinned against nature.

Lord Montymort: We can’t attack her while she’s got that wand. We’ll need a go-between to get it away from her.
Slithers: How about Satan?
Lord Montymort: No no. I’m ducking him. His wife has a screenplay.

Bart: Prank be undone! Destroy the evil one! {it zaps him} Not me!

Treehouse of Horror XIII

Homer: Now, before I abandon you in this cornfield, does anyone remember the way home?
Homer clone: I do.
Homer shoots the clone.
Homer: Anybody else?
Another clone raises his hand. Homer shoots him.
Homer: Anybody else? Come on.
Another clone raises his hand and gets shot.
Homer: Okay, everyone out.

Lisa: Dad, is there anything you’d like to tell us about this horde?
Homer: You’d think so. But no.

Mayor Quimby: Springfield’s weapons of death have been converted into weapons of climbing and sliding.

Mayor Quimby: I proudly declare our town utterly defenseless!

William Bonney: Looks like the only guns left are in my cold, dead hands.

Marge: These are horrible ghouls from the past.
Homer: Hey, so are the Grammy judges.

Sideshow Mel: Another tragedy prevented by gun violence!

Moe: Now to get me some cavemen hookers.

Dr. Hibbert: Now he may try to slobber on your crotch.
Homer: Eh. I’ve been around Scotsmen.

Lisa: It’s Mr. Burns.
Bart: With a FOX attitude.

Treehouse of Horror XIV

Grampa ignited by a flaming log: I’m still cold.
Marge: Would everyone please stop fighting and burning.
Homer: Never!

Kang: Pathetic humans! They’re showing a Halloween episode. In November!
Kodos: Who’s still thinking about Halloween? We’ve already got our Christmas decorations up.

Bart: Please don’t take me! Take Milhouse. We all know there’s no happy ending there.
Death: Your time is up.
Homer killing Death: This is for Snowball I and JFK!

Homer: Death! Death! We miss you so much. You were a busboy in the restaurant of life. Clearing away the oldies and the sickies and the chokies. And you made NASCAR racing exciting.

Homer: Jasper! Your time has come!
Jasper: Where’s the regular guy? Where’s Doug?
Homer: Never mind. I’m Death now.
Jasper: Aw… I liked Doug.

Sir, I’m honored to inform you that you’ve won the Nobel Prize.
Homer: The Nobel Prize! Finally! So it’s for what? My whole deal?

Frink: We had to replace several vital organs with machinery. But that doesn’t make you any less of a man. Except… you have no penis. In the, ah, traditional sense.
Father Frink: So what am I? Some kind of a tin can man from Planet Tomorrow?
Lisa: Sir, your son has brought you into the twenty-first century. It’s a lot like the twentieth except everybody’s afraid and the stock market is much lower.

Father Frink: Hey, 700 Club, you look like a healthy specimen.
Flanders: Well I did finish first in the walk for the cure. Of homosexuality!

Jennifer Garner: You know Doctor Hershbach, our jobs are actually not that different.
Doctor Hershbach: I disagree.

Father Frink: Every brain unlocks more secrets of the Universe! Muffins are surprisingly high in calories. The pyramids were actually built by Sears.
Lisa: He’s right! It all checks out.

Bart: Do you realize what this means?
Milhouse: Yeah… But… you say it first.

Lisa: Why can’t I tinker with the fabric of existence?
Homer: Let the baby have her bottle.

Treehouse of Horror XV

Bart: Am I the only one here who’s in horrible pain?
Homer: You’re the only one who won’t shut up about it!

Flanders: Concussion diddly… hemorrhage doodly… injury bodily…

Flanders: What the Family Circus! A second premonition came to fruition. Lord, why have you given me these unholy visions of doom? {sees the Rosie O’Donnell Musical—Closed after 3 performances}. Well I didn’t need any special power to know that was coming.

Lisa: Mr. Flanders, why are you moving?
Flanders: Because I had a vision of myself shooting your father.
Bart: In this neighborhood, who hasn’t.

Flanders: Don’t worry, Sweetie. I’m not ogling to kill your father.
Homer: Flanders? Kill me! {laughs} You’ve never killed anybody and you’re going to start with the big dog?

Flanders: Homer please, don’t tempt the gods. I mean God. There’s one god. Only one. Well, sometimes there’s three.

Flanders: Quit whackin’ my barrel!
Homer: Never.

Scotland Yard
Our motto: “What’s all this, then?

Mysterious Hindu: Please, I am not a killer! I am but a humble purveyor of disgusting British food. Lark tongues, head pudding, eel pies.
Inspector: Eel pie? My favorite! We British sure eat crap.

Bartley: Well I’ll be blazed! I know these missionaries.
I just told the natives they were having sex the wrong way.

Inspector: You’ll never catch me! I’m travelling at the speed of wind!

Ralph: Daddy, I had the craziest dream.
Inspector: Ralphie, you’re still in it.

Professor Frink: Now now, my dear woman. Don’t worry. She will be rocked gently to sleep by the stomach acids.

Professor Frink: Let the commencement beginulate!

Lisa: Dad, you should listen to him. He’s a man of science and you can barely read.
Homer: Bah! Has science ever kissed a woman? Or won the Super Bowl? Or put a man on the moon? This is what I think of your precious science! Help me Science!

Professor Frink: Watch out for retroviruses. Oh ho boy, are they retro. It’s a fun design by R. Crumb. Who was friends with Harvey Pekar. Seriously though, touch one and you’re dead.

Homer: I need a mouth hole. Um… and some other holes too.

Treehouse of Horror XVI

Kang: This is the most boring game in the Universe!
Kodos: And with all the steroids they take the players look like freaks.

Kodos: Smooth move, Space Lax. You’ve destroyed the totality of existence.
Kang: It’ll be fine. I’ll just leave a note.

Flanders: Hi-diddly-ho! There’s no bot like a robot! {David punches Flanders}. Ow. My Flander Doodles.

Bart: Eat my shorts!
David: I will comply.

Lisa: I hate going to the zoo. I feel so sorry for the animals.
Homer: Lisa, the zoo opens up a whole new world for the animals. In the wild, they would never experience boredom, obesity, loss of purpose. You know, the American Dream!

Robot: Tell me, young man, what is it like to have feelings?
Bart: I said I’m human, not a girl.

Lisa: Dad, Dad! Wake up! You’re not a robot. You’re just possessed by the Devil.

Bart: No fair! Dad gets to shoot wild animals. But I kill one bird and I have to go to a psychiatrist.
Marge: Mm. He still thinks that hobo was a bird.

Announcer: You’re watching the World Series of Manslaughter. Most violent TV spectacle since the Image Hip Hop Awards.

Agnes: Seymour, I told you not to go as GI Joe.
Skinner: Mother I’m fine. I— {checks pants}. Uh oh.

Mayor Quimby: I am not a Happy Meal right now.

Wiggum: I’m Jared from the Subway ads! I’m only a little overweight and sexually ambiguous.

Treehouse of Horror XVII

Moe: Woah, look at that. My blood’s a genius. Fancy roman numerals and everything.

Homer: Oh, no you don’t! If I can keep down Arby’s I can keep down you!

Homer: No! Today’s teens have enough problems without me eating them.

Bart: Krusty, what’s that monster?
Krusty: It’s the Golem of Prague. Legendary defender of the Jewish people. Like Alan Dershowitz, but with a conscience.

Bart: Can’t you read my writing? I didn’t say “kick Homer’s walls.”

Lisa: Bart, did your mystical Jewish monster beat up those bullies?
Bart: Oh, it’s always the Jews fault!

Carl: I don’t get it. What’s so great about this depression?

Kodos: Colonel Kang, your report?
Kang: Ah well. The earthlings continue to resent our presence.
You said we’d be greeted as liberators!
Kodos: Don’t worry. We still have the peoples’ hearts and minds. {he demonstrates}
Kang: I don’t know. I’m starting to think Operation Enduring Occupation was a bad idea.

Treehouse of Horror XVIII

Marge: Can’t anyone just watch the show they’re watching!

Homer: Mmm… Developed by…

Kodos: You are very observant Lisa. That’s why I have a special job for you. Go find out the secret locations of your country’s missile defense facilities.
Lisa: They were in yesterday’s New York Times.

Bart: You killed them!
Kodos: Well done Columbo! That’s right, we watch Columbo. It’s on during rainouts of Gleep Glop games.

Mr. Burns: Greetings, 241.
Homer: Why does he always bring up my weight!

Marge: You’re a killer for hire!
Homer: You ruined that pie!

Bart: Trick or Treat isn’t just some phrase you chant mindlessly like The Lord’s Prayer. It’s an oral contract.
Nelson: You’re right. We’ve forgotten the old ways.

Lenny: How is this a prank? Give me back my TV.
Lisa: I fed your fish.
Lenny: You overfed them. You’re the worst one of all.

Bart: He died as he lived. Like a dork!
Flanders: No! The lesson here is he’s being punished for thinking women are beautiful!

Flanders: That concludes our Halloween show for this year. I just want to say that for watching this network you’re all going to hell. And that includes FX, FOX Sports and our newest Devil’s portal, The Wall Street Journal. Welcome to the club!

Treehouse of Horror XIX

Homer about the rigged voting booth: This doesn’t happen in America! Maybe Ohio, but not in America.

Homer: Is there something different about the kitchen?
Transformed Appliances: No. No.
Homer: Well. The toaster’s never lied to me before.

Crazy Ethel’s day care Center: Where your child learns to trust strangers

Krusty: Entertain the troops? No way! What have they ever done for me?

Comic Book Guy: Rip Taylor? You’re not even dead!
Rip Taylor: Someone needs to check my apartment.

Homer: Before you kill me, I’ve gotta know. What is the one true religion?
Krusty: Eh, it’s a mix of voodoo and Methodist.

Groundskeeper Willie: Care for a pumpkin seed?
Grand Pumpkin: You roast the unborn?!

Nelson: Touch me and I’ll cut your friend.
Grand Pumpkin: What do I care. That’s a yellow pumpkin.
Nelson: You’re a racist!
Grand Pumpkin: All pumpkins are racist. The difference is I admit it.
Nelson getting eaten: I’d rather die than hate!

Treehouse of Horror XX

Homer: Lighten up, Ladies. It’s not cheating when you’re wearing a costume.

Bart: If I say criss cross one more time will that change your mind?
Lisa: Listen, you’re a persistent fellow, but I—
Bart: Criss cross!
Lisa: I’m in.

Lisa: You should have seen the look on Krabappel’s face.
Bart: You should have seen the look on Hoover’s face. In fact, here it is!
Lisa: You killed her?
Bart: Right! Like we agreed.
Lisa: I never said “kill”!
Bart: Yeah, ’cause you’re smart. You don’t say “kill.” You say “prank”. Like mom and dad say “snuggle” when what they really mean is “let’s lock the door and hug.”
Lisa: Well I didn’t kill Mrs. Krabappel.
Bart: So all you did was ring her doorbell and run?
Lisa: Yeah! Ding dong ditch!
Bart: “Ding dong ditch” means you kill her! Then you throw that ding dong into a ditch. Geez. Pick up a book.

Kent Brockman: I’m here at the Krusty Burger for the launch of the highly anticipated Burger Squared. Krusty, what can you tell us about this fantastic new sandwich?
Krusty: I’m glad you asked, Kent. We start with Grade A beef, feed that to other cows, then kill them and serve the unholy results on a seven grain bun. Burger Squared!

Homer: Math checks out.
Lisa: Cows eating cows? That’s an abomination.
Marge: Now Lisa, you’re a vegetarian but these cows have made a different choice.

28 Days Later…

Rainier Wolfcastle: Come with me if you want to live! {the Munchers devour him}
Homer: Another politician who can’t keep his promises.

Lisa: Dad, are you becoming a muncher?
Homer: I think the better brains is, are you brains a brains?

Marge: What kind of civilized people eat the body and blood of their savior?

Homer: Can you still love a man who’s half beer?
Marge: I always have.

Treehouse of Horror XXI

Frink: Welcome precious prime time viewers, valued internet downloaders and scary digital pirates.

War and Pieces

Bart: Hey, I’ve never seen this one before.
Milhouse: Satan’s Path?
Bart: Hey, it’s gotta be good if Satan put his name on it. Here. I’ll be the demon, you be the thimble.
Milhouse: Oh! I’m always the thimble.

Homer playing Drops and Risers: Oh man, I’m never coming down…. Woo hoo! Another ladder. Ridin’ high!… Sinkin’ Low! … Top of the heap! Back down I go… On top for good! Oh, cruel hubris!

Bart: There comes a time to beat the crap out of childish things.

Master and Cadaver

Marge: Why did you do that?
Homer: It was poison!
Marge: No, it wasn’t.
Homer: Well it was rhubarb.

Homer: They should call this one Recipe for Murder.
Marge: What do you mean, “this one”?
Homer: Never mind.


Edmund (Daniel Radcliffe): You have beautiful eyes.
Lisa: They’re just dots and circles.

Lisa: Edmund’s almost here so please, nobody be themselves.
Homer: I know, I know. Don’t serve garlic, don’t stab your guest in the heart with a wooden stake. Don’t ask him if he knows Frankenstein. It’s racist somehow.

Lisa: I can’t spend eternity using kid scissors. They barely cut anything.

Homer: Pretty ironic, a cross being used to kill someone.

Treehouse of Horror XXII

Marge: I take your sugary sweets and I give you healthy items. Plain brown toothbrushes, unflavored dental floss, and fun-sized mouthwashes. TSA-approved.
Bart: This is exactly why kids need a union.

Marge: No sneaking off and eating that candy yourself!
: Marge, you know I’d never do that. I’m too scared of the evil Switch Witch!
Marge: The Switch Witch is me.
Homer: You know, on some level I’ve always known.

Homer: Hello, 911? I need a helicopter rescue and some cold milk.
911: Copy that, sir. Be there in twenty minutes.
Homer: What?! I can’t wait that long for candy! The only sane thing to do is chew off my arm.

Homer: Okay, I’m on the floor. I can’t move. So far a normal Sunday morning.

Homer: Ah, Halloween. The one time of year when our squalor works to our advantage.

Homer: “I miss holding you in my arms more than my butt can say. […] For further information I will require more beans.”

Ned: Springfield. My home town. Pretty little place. Although even the Garden of Eden can use a nice cleansing rain now and then. […] All these years I thought murder was a sin, then I got new instructions from the good Lord himself in His favorite language: English.

Homer: Okay, stupid Flanders. First I want you to kill that guy at the ice cream parlor that gave Homer Simpson a cone that had a little air in it.
Ned: Really?
Homer: Come on, God does crazy things! Check your Old Testament!
Bart: Hey Dad!
Homer: Hey Bart. I mean Jesus.

Ned: I’m going down and my hand basket seats two!

Marge: But you’re God. Couldn’t you make everything the way it was?
God: Well I could, but the big man downstairs wouldn’t like it.
Devil: Get me a coffee!
God: Yes sir.
Ned: Could this get any worse?
Maude: Honey, come back to bed.
Ned: Oh for crying out loud.

Kamala: And now let us touch testicles and mate for life.
Bart: Don’t you mean tentacles?
Kamala: I know what I said.

Bart: Traitor! How dare you betray the planet I got laid on.

Lisa: Halloween is over. Which means, America, it’s time to start your Christmas shopping. Infuse our stagnate economy with dollars we don’t really have.
Bart: And whatever you do, avoid the urge to make homemade gifts.
Marge: Knitting one sweater for someone costs twenty-seven Americans their jobs.
Moe: And don’t forget, Christmas is a wonderful time to take up alcoholism. Come on, you see your family all year ’round. The holidays are for your bartender.

Grampa: When are we doing the Black Swan?

Treehouse of Horror XXIII

Mayan Frink: Quetzal H. Coatl! We sacrificed the wrong person. Now the earth will be destroyed after the thirteenth bactun.
Mayan Bumblebee Man: Could you explain that in simple ancient Mayan?
Mayan Frink: Ah, of course. There’s no need to shout and scream. Let’s see, ah, converting to base-10, assuming for the birth of Jesus, invent and then carry the leap years, and then the world will end in 2012.
Mayan Quimby: And it will be Obama’s fault!

The Greatest Story Ever Holed

Marge to the black hole: Quit bageling my English muffins!

Un-normal Activity

Homer: Now, before we start what’s the safe word?
Demon: Cinnamon.
Homer: Oo! I like that. Now, I’d like to try something new if you don’t mind.
Demon: Cinnamon! Cinnamon! Cinnamon!

Bart & Homer’s Excellent Adventure

Bart: Now to get my comic book and explore a world where no one’s mad at George Lucas.

Homer: Ice cream with cookie dough! Unnecessarily big TVs! Thursday night football! And the globe feels so warm. I am in awe of the future!

Treehouse of Horror XXIV

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

Oh, the Places You’ll D’oh!

Lisa: ‘Twas Halloween night with the kids door-to-dooring, and all over town blood sugar was soaring.

Bore-ax: I am the Bore-ax, I speak for the woods. But I blasted my likeness on consumer goods.
Fat in the Hat: Sell out!

His breakfast is dinner, his dinner’s dessert. You might see his name on an Amber Alert.

Dead and Shoulders

Milhouse: Bart, isn’t it dangerous to fly your kite by an airport?
Bart: Hey, if they get on an Airbus they know they’re taking their chances.

Homer: I have this two-heads-for-one coupon.
Therapist: That’s for lettuce.
Homer: How about this one? “One random disorder free with every schizophrenia.”
Therapist: That’s mine but it’s expired.

Freaks No Geeks

Moe: Of all the kisses I’ve ever gotten in my life, that was the first.

Barney: What do you know, I am gathering moss!

Treehouse of Horror XXV

School is Hell

Eternal torture is the only punishment for the unbaptized.

Lisa: It’s true. It would be a cold day in hell when I was popular.

Teacher: Wow. Wow. That is so evil. And I know evil. I’m head of the teacher’s union.

A Clockwork Yellow

Moog: We was narsty tastards, we were. Even though we dressed like Carole Channing’s back-up dancers.

Moog: Those punks got no respect for them what come before. They didn’t even wear no cod pieces.
Dum: How do they expect to draw the eye to their chunky wunks?

Moog: And so my brothers, I was beaten, I was bruised I couldn’t even score at an orgy. But I was happy.

The Others

Homer: The power of Chrysler compells you!

Dr. Marvin Monroe: Simpsons, please! This fighting solves nothing.
Marge: Dr. Marvin Monroe? Are you alive or dead?
Monroe: I’m in some horrible limbo. I walk halfway through walls then I get stuck.

Treehouse of Horror XXVI

Wanted: Dead, Then Alive

Bart: Mr. Largo? Hm. Something’s wrong. That music is in tune.

Sideshow Bob: The deed is done. 24 years of trying to kill a ten year old child have finally paid off.

Still reading The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock:
Sideshow Bob: Any questions?
Student: Yes. What are you supposed to be again?
Sideshow Bob: A full professor! But the tenure committee is excruciatingly slow.


Executive 1: Now the key to this movie is it’s so cheap, it’s funny!
Executive 2: And just think of how popular it would be if we spent a fortune remaking it.
Executive 3: We’ll make millions! After spending hundreds of millions!

Telepaths of Glory

Homer: Lisa Simpson! The musician’s union does not allow this. You know this is an ASCAP household. God gave you this power for good, not jazz.

Lisa: Hm. Milhouse has gone mad with power. Frankly I thought it wouldn’t take this long.

Treehouse of Horror XXVI