Season 20

Sex, Pies and Idiot Scrapes

Homer: Now let’s think about this. If you shoot me I won’t be able to stop you and you’ll be free to go. BUT! Someone may come after you. Probably not, given your reputation for shooting people who come after you. What I’m trying to say is, not shooting me now would be the biggest mistake of your life.

Homer: Marge, I could see you withholding sex or withholding cake. But withholding sexy cake? I know we have to move past this but I don’t see how.

Homer: I loved you, man.
Ned: For the last few weeks. But most of the time I’ve known you, you’ve treated me like dirt.
Homer: You hang on to resentment like a Confederate widow!
Ned: I forgave you for accidentally killing my wife.
Homer: Yeah, but you hold on to the big things.

Lost Verizon

Teacher’s diet is working

Bart: Ah, the sun never sets on the Bartish Empire.

Denis Leary: Can I give you some advice?
Marge: Of course! You’re Denis Leary.
Denis Leary: Give your kid back the phone, but first activate its built-in GPS system. That way you can
log on to your carrier’s web site and track your son’s movements. The way I track every actor who gets a movie that I was up for.
Marge: Shouldn’t you just be happy for their success?
Denis Leary: I should be a lot of things, lady.

Marge: In these days of stranger dangers and sinister ministers I think it’s important to keep in touch.

Double, Double, Boy in Trouble

There’s no such month as “Rocktober”

Marge: Bart Simpson, did you just spray water on me?
Bart: Well… it was water this morning.

Bart: McMansion. McMansion. McMansion. McDonalds?

Lisa: Mom, “Bart” has something to tell you.
Marge: Hm. I don’t like the look of those air quotes.

Treehouse of Horror XIX

Homer about the rigged voting booth: This doesn’t happen in America! Maybe Ohio, but not in America.

Homer: Is there something different about the kitchen?
Transformed Appliances: No. No.
Homer: Well. The toaster’s never lied to me before.

Crazy Ethel’s day care Center: Where your child learns to trust strangers

Krusty: Entertain the troops? No way! What have they ever done for me?

Comic Book Guy: Rip Taylor? You’re not even dead!
Rip Taylor: Someone needs to check my apartment.

Homer: Before you kill me, I’ve gotta know. What is the one true religion?
Krusty: Eh, it’s a mix of voodoo and Methodist.

Groundskeeper Willie: Care for a pumpkin seed?
Grand Pumpkin: You roast the unborn?!

Nelson: Touch me and I’ll cut your friend.
Grand Pumpkin: What do I care. That’s a yellow pumpkin.
Nelson: You’re a racist!
Grand Pumpkin: All pumpkins are racist. The difference is I admit it.
Nelson getting eaten: I’d rather die than hate!

Dangerous Curves

I did not see teacher siphoning gas

Homer: Really? Not married. And you are bicycling two abreast?
Ned: I wish. We were bicycling to a lake.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Word play. Never cared for it.

Selma: I don’t trust that Homer Simpson. He’s that rare combination of up to something and good for nothing.

Homer: I know parts of our marriage are based on lies, but so are a lot of things. Religion, American history…

Homer and Lisa Exchange Cross Words

Lisa: BART. San Francisco People Mover!
Bart: Speaking of San Francisco People Mover…

Lisa: Guess what, Mom? I’m a cruciverbalist!
Marge: Another religion? You know you’re just going to drop the whole thing when you go to college and get a Jewish boyfriend.
Lisa: Probably. But a cruciverbalist is a fan of crossword puzzles. Which I am!
Grampa: Me too. I’ve been doing them since 1958. Back then we called them “alphabet hotels” because every letter gets its own little room.

Lisa: Grampa, everyone knows that the only real test of skill is the New York Times puzzle, edited by Will Shortz.
Grampa: Will and shorts. Two things I’m no longer allowed to change by myself.

Mypods and Boomsticks

Prosperity is just around the corner

Homer: Wow. Nobody gives better parenting advice than childless drunks.

Mapple Guy: Sir, it’s not even turned on.
Homer: But it’s glowing.
Mapple Guy: That light confirms that it’s off.

CBG: Traitor! Your heart is blacker than your turtleneck!

Mapple Chick: Who dares question the boss we fired ten years ago and then brought back?!

Bart: Stupid angry mob, chasing me because I shine a harsh light on modern society. Now I know how Dane Cook feels.

Kearney: What’s your name, Sweat Stain?
Bashir: Um. Bashir.
Kearney: “Bash Here”? I love a kid that comes with directions.

Moe: This Bashir kid is Muslim. And therefore up to something.
Homer: Oh. I can’t believe that until I see a fictional TV program espousing your point of view.

Marge: Homer that’s very nice of you having Bart’s Muslim friend’s Muslim family over.
Homer: Here’s the plan. You keep them drunk. I’ll be listening. And quietly judging.

Marge: You’re teaching Bart a terrible lesson of intolerance!
Homer: I’m sorry. It’s just so fun and easy to judge people based on their religion.
Marge: I want you to go over to their house and apologize.
Homer: But we’re the more powerful country for a few more years!

The Burns and the Bees

Jesus is not mad his birthday is on Christmas

Lisa: Dad! We have to do something! All the bees are dying!
Homer: Oh no! No bees! Oo. Now who will sting me and walk all over my sandwiches?
Lisa: But Dad, bees pollinate flowers.
Homer: Pfft. Flowers. The painted whores of the plant world.

Marge: Stop Milhousing your sister!

Lisa the Drama Queen

I will not use permanent ink on the chalkboard

Teacher: If you two thoughtful and creative girls don’t like the way I teach, there’s a world of fun outside.
Lisa: See ya.

Skinner: By the way, I enjoyed the photos of your trip to Yosemite.
Homer: Oh, that. We were actually just going out for brunch and I got lost. But don’t worry, Officer. We’ll definitely have a talk with the boy.

Marge about the Model UN: Are you saying Lisa’s not there?
Martin: To the extent that you can trust the word of a Belgian, yes!

Take My Life, Please

HDTV is worth every cent

Lisa: Dad, just because you won a high school election doesn’t mean your whole life would’ve been better.
Homer: That’s exactly what it means! And Dondelinger took that life away from me. And the taking of a life is murder. And the punishment for murder is— well it varies from state to state and by race.

Lisa: As a rational skeptic I find that hard to believe. Also as a vegetarian I hope there’s not meat in that sauce.
Luigi: Any other orders, Mussolini?

Saucier: Can you keep her quiet?
Bart: Not even when she’s snorkeling.
Lisa: I was describing beautiful fish, Bart!

How the Test Was Won

“March Madness” is not an excuse for missing school

Bart: What are you doing?
Marge: It’s the first day of school!
Homer: You’re the government’s problem now!

Welcome Back Students! Miss Caldecott is now Mr. Newbery

Skinner: At the end of the month we’ll be participating in the Vice President’s Assessment Test.
Nelson: He stinks!
Skinner: We’re assessing you, not him.
Nelson: Withdrawn.

Lisa: Dad! Bart’s throwing away his future!
Homer: Oh no! Now who will sell oranges on the off-ramp?

Homer: For the first time in my life I’m financially responsible for my actions!

Skinner: For your information I am not a loser, I’m a successful principal who paints houses in the summertime.

Jimbo: Hey Skinner, wanna see our impression of you?
Skinner: Well I guess I could use an affectionate homage.

Mrs. Skinner: I’ve been cleaved!

Chalmers: Lisa, like Captain Kirk I’m not supposed to interfere. But like TJ Hooker I say what is on my mind. If you don’t know the answer just guess.

Skinner: Time to do what I’ve never done as principal. Something!

Groundskeeper Willie: Skinner! Otto! Bullies! The cowabunga kid. And the wee nit wit. It’s so good to see you all.

No Loan Again, Naturally

I will not have fun with educational toys

Homer: Oh Mardi Gras, oh Mardi Gras! You see a lot of boobies.

Flanders: 3-2-1. It’s Ash Wednesday everyone! Set down your gins and confess your sins!

Lenny: Homer I always wonder. How can you afford this party year after year?
Homer: Because I have a magical thing called a home equity loan. I borrow all the money I want and the house gets stuck with the bill. Heh heh heh heh. Sucker!
Lenny: I’m not sure that’s how it works.
Homer: Fine Mr. Skeptical, gimme back your beads.
Lenny: But—
Homer: Beads please.

Homer: Marge, don’t worry. It’s like when we stopped paying the phone bill. They stopped calling us. In fact everyone did.

Homer: He’s nailing something to our door!
Lisa: Hm. I wonder if it’s theses.
Homer: That’s gross.

Marge: How about a family outing?
Bart: A family outing? I’ll start. Lisa’s gay!

Gone, Maggie Gone

Kent Brockman: A solar eclipse is like a woman breastfeeding in a restaurant. It’s free, it’s beautiful, but under no circumstances should you look at it.

Lisa: Okay people, we’ve hit penumbra. Brace yourself for umbra!

Homer: Wolves are taking all our women!

Mother Superior: Look at that. One of God’s discarded miracles.
Homer: Augh! Catholics!

Nun singing: “If you’re happy and you know it that’s a sin.”

Mr. Burns: Well well. If it isn’t the Tardy Boys and Nancy Clueless.
Lisa: Mr. Burns! What are you doing here?
Mr. Burns: Oh I’ve known about the gem for years. You see, dear girl, I joined the Freemasons before it was trendy. That’s my eyeball on the dollar bill. That’s also my pyramid.

Marge: Sorry, but I know God would never ask a mother to sacrifice her child for the good of the world. pause Again.

Smithers: Feels good to help someone. Doesn’t it, sir?
Mr. Burns: No. It feels weird.

In the Name of the Grandfather

Four-leaf clovers are not mutant freaks

Grampa: While you were lying here soaking like a bunch of dirty dishes, I was lonelier than Estes Kefauver at a meeting of Murder, Incorporated. {blank stares} That actually makes sense. Look it up.

Homer: “Things I want to do before I die.” “Pitch in the Negro Leagues.” I can think of at least two problems with that. Can’t read that one, my thumb’s over it. “Have one more beer at O’Flanagan’s Pub.” We’ll do that one.

Pilot: Welcome to Ireland. Also known as the Emerald Isle, Potatoville, East Boston, Freckle Bog, the Land of Poetry and the Land of Bad Poetry.

Homer: Ireland doesn’t like pubs anymore. It’s as if Danish people stopped liking sleek, modern design.

Grampa: Moe, you shipped yourself here?
Moe: No, it’s how you fly coach on Delta now.

Grampa: Are you saying we should break the law?
Moe: The law? That jerk?!

Homer: America is the New York Yankees of countries. Powerful and respected until the year 2000.

Wedding for Disaster

My piggy bank is not entitled to TARP funds

Reverend Lovejoy: And so in summary there are really only two commandments. The other eight are just filler.

Bart about the ruffled shirt: This one’s a little gay, isn’t it?
Salesman: Well the last time I checked, pirates weren’t gay.
Homer: Ew, how’d you check?

Marge: It’s all my fault. Homer wanted to serve those little cocktail hot dogs. But no! I had to have spring rolls. They taste like nothing.

Eeny Teeny Maya, Moe

Moe: I can’t build a relationship on a lie. The lies come later.

Marge to herself: Wait a second Marge. Do you really want to use your baby as a tool to spy on your husband?
Lisa: Yes you do.
Marge: I wasn’t talking to you.
Lisa: When you say it, it’s not just in your head.

The Good, the Sad and the Drugly

I will not mock teacher’s outdated cellphone

Milhouse: This really sucks, Bart. I’m grounded and spend all day listening to my dad yell at Mad Money with Jim Cramer.
Kirk: You said tech stocks were bulletproof!

Father Knows Worst

I will not put hot sauce in the CPR dummy

Marge: Feels like a sauna in here. {sees the Springfield Sauna sign} It is a sauna in here! Must have been out in by a previous owner. This house is full of surprises. But this is the first good one.

Homer the helicopter parent: I did it! I helped my son! Helicopter Homer away! {he flies into a locker} Blackhawk down! Blackhawk down!

Oscar Wilde: Homer, there are only two tragedies in life. One is not getting what one wants and the other is getting it.
Homer: But that makes no sense.
Oscar Wilde: Experience is simply the name we give to our mistakes.
Homer: Shut up!
Oscar Wilde: “These days, man knows the price of everything. And the value of nothing.”
Homer: Whatever happened to Boo!!?

Homer: I’m sorry. I got carried away. From now on the only thing I’ll ever do for you is co-sign if you want a gun. But at least I made Lisa popular. {he gets a text}. “I Ha-Eight This”? Wha?
Lisa: I’m sorry, Dad, these girls are nice on the surface but it’s hard work staying this shallow. I hope you understand.
Homer: Yeah. It’s clear to me now. The best thing I can do as a parent is simply check out.
Lisa: No. There’s a middle ground.
Homer: Lisa, the light bulb is either on or it’s off.
Lisa: Not if you use a dimmer switch.
Homer: That’s what the dimmer switch companies want you to think.

Lisa: Bart, in my concurrent adventure I learned a really important lesson.

Waverly Hills 9-0-2-1-D’oh

Marge about sciencewater: The label is all in lowercase. It’s like drinking ee cummings!

Homer: We can’t afford to move to Waverly Hills. Their house prices have commas in them. As it is our lawn is just green-painted cement.

Homer: Four walls? Hm… I was thinking more of something in a two- or three.

Principal Skinner: Superintendent Chalmers! What are you doing in another school?
Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour, as superintendent I supervise every school in the district.
Principal Skinner: So you’re overseeing other people?
Superintendent Chalmers: I’m sorry if you misunderstood our arrangement.
Principal Skinner: What am I supposed to tell our children?
Superintendent Chalmers: They already know. And they’re happy for us.

Alaska Nebraska: I am so tired of fans in my food.
Lisa: Alaska, we’ve never met. But everyone thinks I’m your best friend.
Alaska Nebraska: Wait wait, let me guess. I’m supposed to give all your best friends front row seats and backstage passes.
Lisa: Could you?
Alaska Nebraska: First, riddle me this: what’s your favorite episode of my show?
Lisa: You have a show?

Kate Lynn: Those are last year’s shoes! Kill her!
Caitlin: Also, it’s Lisa.
Kate Lynn: Kill her twice!

Four Great Women and a Manicure

King Julio of Spain: Hello, Queenie Baby.
Queen Elizabeth: Forget it! I’ve seen you making goo goo eyes at my court jester.
King Julio of Spain: Well I like a man who can make me laugh. But for you, I’ll make an exception.
Queen Elizabeth: Hands off my harlequin! This is 1588 and his material is fresh and hip.

Lenny: There’s something in our house.
Crabby: Let’s put a pickax in his brain!
Lenny: You’re in marketing. Why’d you even bring an axe?
Crabby: If you were in marketing you’d know.

Lisa: Looks like Maggie wants a story too.
Marge: Oo! The Fountainhead.
Lisa: Isn’t that book the bible of right-wing losers?
Mrs. Skinner: Yeah, but the guy on the book jacket is one sexy slice of beefcake.

Coming to Homerica

It’s “Facebook,” not “Assbook”

Lawyer: Studies show your Krustyburger is the unhealthiest fast food item in the world.
Krusty: Worse than the Double Krustyburger?
Lawyer: Somehow, yes.

Homer: Look at me! I’m saving the earth! Where’s my Nobel Prize?

Lisa: I’d just like to remind you that we were all immigrants at one time.
Homer: Well you were a baby once. Does that mean that you still like milk and hugs?
Lisa: Yes. I’d like both right now.

Marge: You lost your job?
Homer: It’s not my fault! Those Ogdenville guys plied me with their native liqueurs and liquors. But mostly liqueurs
Marge: Poor Homey! And you with your alcoholism.
Homer: Yeah.

Lenny: What are you Barley jacks waiting for? Get in here!
Ogdenvillian: We’d be more than pleased to join you donut dunkers.