Treehouse of Horror XII Gypsy: You've ruined me! Oh why didn't I see this coming! Homer: Leprechauns? Don't they live in Ireland? Moe: Yeah, but they come over here in the wheel wells of Aer Lingus jets. They try the Dennis Miller Ultrahouse 3000 Voice: Lisa: Isn't the the voice that caused all those suicides?…

Treehouse of Horror XI Homer: Who cut out Beetle Bailey? I need my Miss Buxley fix. Marge: I don't like you ogling her! Why don't you read Cathy? She's hilarious. Homer: Eh. Too much baggage. Homer: Snakes. Nature's quitter. Homer: That horoscope was baloney. Nothing happened except for the pickaxe in my head, the rattlesnake…

Beyond Blunderdome Fridays are not “pants optional” Saleswoman: Thinking of saying goodbye to gas? Bart: You betcha! {he burps} Marge: Bart! {she passes gas} Well that shut me up. Mel Gibson: Don't forget to be completely truthful when you fill out your opinion cards. Honesty is the foundation of the movie business. Mel Gibson: Maybe…

Lard of the Dance Homer: Marge, if you don't mind I'm a little busy now achieving financial independence. Marge: Through cans of grease? Homer: No. Through savings and wise investment. Of course with grease! Lisa: These are for pierced ears. Sherri: Yeah, aren't they great? Terri: Alex did ours. Alex Whitney (Lisa Kudrow): Yeah, all…

The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson Moe: Listen up guys. The Springfield police have told me that 91 percent of all traffic accidents are caused by you six guys. {they congratulate themselves} Yeah, I know, I know. But the bad news is we gotta start having designated drivers. We'll choose the same way…

Treehouse of Horror VII Marge: You went into the attic? I'm very disappointed and terrified. Dr. Hibbert: You don't forget a thing like Siamese twins! Lisa: I believe they prefer to be called "conjoined twins." Dr. Hibbert: And hillbillies prefer "sons of the soil." But it ain't gonna happen. Lisa: My god, I've created life!…

Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two) I will not complain about the solution when I hear it Kent Brockman: Dozens of people are gunned down each day in Springfield, but until now none of them was important. Lisa: Everyone in Springfield had a reason to shoot Mr. Burns. Even us. Bart, he broke your dog's…

Bart of Darkness Beans are neither fruit nor musical Bart: Look, Lisa. I snatched five bathing suits. All Martin's. Lisa: Take your best shot! I'm wearing seventeen layers. {the kids attack} I brought this on myself. Lisa: Dad, as you know, we've been swimming. And we've developed a taste for it. We both agree that…

Homer's Barbershop Quartet I will never win an Emmy Homer: Junk ... junk... the airplane's upside down. Stradi-who-vius? Marge: Your teenage son or daughter will think this wishbone necklace is really cool. Man: I doubt my son or daughter is that stupid. Skinner: We need a name that's witty at first. But that seems less…

Season 4 Kamp Krusty This punishment is not boring and pointless Miss Hoover: Here are your final report cards. I have nothing left to say to any of you. So if nobody minds let’s just quietly run out the clock. Teacher as the kids rush out with the bell: Wait a minute! You didn't learn…

Stark Raving Dad I am not a dentist Homer: Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different. Mr. Burns: Spare me the tiresome antics of the Simpson family! Lisa: Meditations on Turning Eight by Lisa Simpson I had a cat named Snowball. She…

Cry, Yuma Here Comes the Coast Guard! The Greatest Story Ever Hula'ed They Came to Burgle Carnegie Hall Meet Joe Blow Give My Remains to Broadway The Verdict Was Mail Fraud Leper in the Back Field Stop the Planet of the Apes, I Want to Get Off! Gladys the Groovy Mule Today We Kill, Tomorrow…

Treehouse of Horror Marge: Hello, everyone. You know, Halloween is a very strange holiday. Personally, I don't understand it. Kids worshipping ghosts, pretending to be devils. Things on TV that are completely inappropriate for young viewers. Things like the following half-hour! Nothing seems to bother my kids, but tonight's show—which I totally wash my hands…

Bart Gets an F I will not encourage others to fly. Mrs. Krabappel: There were moments when I truly believed you were Hemingway. Bravo, Martin. Martin Prince: Oh please. Call me Papa. Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, did you read the book? Bart: Mrs. Krabappel, I am insulted! Is this a book report or witch hunt? I…

Season 1 I will not waste chalk I will not skateboard in the halls I will not burp in class Season 2 I will not fake my way through life Tar is not a plaything Season 3 I will not squeak chalk I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge Season 4 I will not…