Steven Karp (Jay Baruchel): The point is I’m tall, and handsome. And I’ve gained weight. And I’ve like finally got a fashion sense. Man, it’s like the beginning of a whole new era.
Jack: A new era? You’re the same guy. You think you’re cool ’cause you grew like a freak and got a haircut?
Steven: I’m the same guy? Well, okay, that’s really interesting. I guess old Steve would have had no trouble doing this. grabs X-Men poster and tears it down the middle
Jack: Dude! What the hell are you doing? I would have taken that!
Steven realizing: Oh god, what’d I do?
Hal Karp (Loudon Wainwright III): I like your hair.
Mr. Karp: Not really. I’m just saying that because I’m your father.
Co-ed: Mom, will you just wake up Grandma and leave already!
Lucien: You remind me of a girl we had last year—same problems, everything.
Rachel Lindquist (Monica Keena): But she’s doing good?
Lucien: I think she’s… she’s much happier now where she is.
Lloyd Haythe (Charlie Hunnam): That was embarrassing.
Ron Garner (Seth Rogen): That was really embarrassing.
Marshall Nesbitt (Timm Sharp): I think she might come.
Steven: Um, excuse me. We’re, like, having a party tonight. Do you, like, wanna come?
Red Headed Woman: Oh, I’m a senior.
Steven: Oh, that’s cool.
Red Headed Woman: No, sweetie, that means I’m not coming to your party.
Marshall: That sucked.
Steven: We’re throwing a party tonight. I don’t know, do you want to come?
Lizzie Exley (Carla Gallo): Yeah, totally! Where’s it going to be?
Steven: It’s actually, um, right here.
Lizzie: It’s here?
Lizzie: So you’re inviting me to a floor party on my own floor?
Lloyd: I’m glad you came. Are you having a good time?
Co-ed: Yeah. Are you?
Lloyd: Yeah. I get a little bit shy at parties. The whole communication thing. It’s difficult for me to understand your language.
Lloyd: Joke. Wanna see my room?
Lucien: Steven! Guess who I found looking for his little boy!
Steven: Hey, Party Man! Didn’t I just see you at breakfast?
Rachel: Could you do me a favor? Could you hold my hand?
Marshall: Yeah, sure. Sure.
Rachel: It’s just, I’m having a panic attack and it usually goes away if I hold somebody’s hand and I tell them I’m having a panic attack.
Rachel: God, I’ve gotta get out of here.
Marshall: Um, no no. It’s okay. It’s okay. I’ll distract you. Um. I’m studying music. What’s your major?
Rachel: I don’t know yet. I haven’t decided.
Marshall shocked: You haven’t picked a major yet?
Rachel: God, what are you trying to do to me?!
Hal: Steven, I’ve given my entire life to you. So if I need to talk to you you’re going to listen.
Steven: I’m sorry.
Eric (Jason Segel): I know you’re feeling alone, and I know you’re feeling nervous. Just listen—
Lizzie: I just got here!
Eric: You know, maybe we should break up. Maybe we didn’t think hard enough about that.
Lizzie: Maybe we should. Maybe we should. I mean we talked about splitting up ’til the summer anyway. Maybe we should just go through with it.
Eric: Now you want to break up?
Lizzie: But you were— you—
Eric: Now you want to break up? You get to college one day— You’re at college for one hour and all the sudden you want to break up?
Lizzie: From now on, we have total freedom. And now is the time in our lives when we are supposed to be experiencing everything.
Steven: Exactly. Like, I can like stay up ’til eleven now.
Lizzie: And I could pierce anything I want.
Steven: Yeah, and I can watch as much tv as I want to, you know. And eat candy all day.
Lizzie: You know what we should do?
Lizzie: We should have sex.
Steven: Oh yeah?
Lizzie: Yeah. For fun.
Steven: Yeah, for fun. Right. Okay.
Lizzie: Do you have a condom?
Steven: I have eight condoms.
Hal: I have the gut of an eighteen-year-old.
Ron: I have the gut of a forty-eight-year-old.
Hal: Are you saying I’m wrong?
Ron: No. You’re not wrong, Hal. You’re just maybe less than right.
Hal: Oh crap.
Marshall: There’s a scrunchie on the door.
Lloyd: And I’m not in there. Wow.