Queer Eye

Thom Filicia

2003.07.15    

Season One

Butch

Thom Filicia: I mean it looks actually like you’re nuts. And if you weren’t here to represent yourself, I’d think that, pretty much, we’d found him and I’d call the police.

Thom: It looks like… if you were to sit on this, not only would you get crabs you’d get scoleosis.

Thom: She’s like, “Meet me in that bathroom, I wanna have sex with you.”

Adam

Thom: It’s harrhible!

Thom using a child’s telephone: It’s 1984. They want their decorations back.

John B.

Carson: When was all your furniture repossessed, then?
Thom: Were you robbed?
Carson: Do you have bad credit, or just bad taste?

Thom: Do you know what minimalism is? Minimal? Like minimal is real clean.
John B.: Yeah.
Thom: This is bleak.

John tells Thom he was thinking of putting a cat run in his livingroom
John: Like I said I have two cats, and I wanted to actually put a cat run— ‘Cause you know how cats like to—
Thom interrupting: That’s a really really really bad idea.

John V.

Thom examining pills: Penis enlargement? {looks at camera}

Thom: What’s this over here? This whoosh? Were you like, “Let’s put this stuff over here *whoosh*”?

Thom: This room is just stupid.

Ayana: The vagina is leaving the nest.
Thom: No, no, no, we’ve got Jai.

Thom: Ted, we’re gonna need you to get away from that bar for five seconds.

Thom: No why is it a man quiche? Because obviously a gay man would ever use that much cream?
Carson: Exactly.

Thom: She’s not as happy as she should be, because when she left it was a tragic basement.

Thom: Can you believe they were talking about cruelty to animals, and they have a red leather sofa the size of a Volkswagen?

John: Thanks to the five guys I feel like… like I’ve got a spark in my pants.
Thom: That had nothing to do with me! I had nothing to do with a spark in his pants!

George K.

Ted: I think he’s got a transgendered thing going.
Thom: He’s got a transtragic thing going.

Thom: With all these mirrors I’m amazed that you still have that hair.

Thom: George, you’re a damn kleptomaniac! If I stole my mother’s furniture, I would never ever ever have a chance of getting laid.

Thom: Look at this. He keeps his Victoria Secret catalog next to the dictionary. Wow she’s very very… pauses to look in dictionary Voluptuous.

Thom: You got shot. I think she has an idea you really really like her.

Thom: This I thought could be a bar. Cause you wanna keep the women socially-lubricated at all times. That’s what I do with the guys.

Carson: How do you like that, I got the straight guy into the closet
Kyan: It was bound to happen sooner or later.
Thom: The tough part is getting him out of the closet.

Josh D.

Jai: That is reefer if I’ve ever seen it.
Thom upon seeing tomato plants on Josh’s balcony: I had a t-shirt with a tomato plant leaf on it very similar to that.

Thom: I can’t believe I’m going to say this, because it’s not something I say often in my line of work, but my favorite thing in your livingroom is your fire hydrant.

Carson: This is like a bad episode of Soul Train with really bad dancing white people.
Thom: No Soul Train.

Tom M.

Thom: Even though you’re 6’6″ you look like a fag. We’re gonna ship this off to Josh Schwartz in Boca.

Thom: What was Jack Tripper’s friend on Three’s Company?
Carson: Shall we put these and go to Regal Beagle?

Tom M: I need like five gay men to come to my house!
Jai looks at Thom and smiles.
Thom: You know I say that all the time!

Thom is wearing pink wings
Jai:Those wings make your ass look so fierce.
Thom: Don’t it though? Do these wings make my ass look big?

Thom examining a large stain on the rug:We can’t get rid of the rug. This is where his wife gave birth to his first daughter.

Carson: What is that? Wasabi paste?
Ted: That’s a lot of wasabi.
Thom: The kids are going to love that.
Carson: That’s gonna shut the party down like a bad ferris wheel.

Alan C.

Thom: Did you hear Katie laughing when he offered them drinks?

JEFF T.

Carson breaks display scissors
Thom: Oh my god. Holly Hobby’s gonna kill us.

Ted: They’re grilling fish wrapped in banana leaves.
Thom: How gay is that?
Ted: nodding That is so gay.

Jeff’s college-aged son compliments the food
Thom: If you didn’t get snaps from him… that would have been ugly.

Richard

Thom: He’s neurotic, he’s needy… He’s like every guy I’ve ever dated!

Steve S.

Thom: going into a store before Steve Sorry, ladies before gentlemen.

Thom: Lemme get this straight: your friend is a straight hairstylist with wicker furniture? I have a feeling he’s not telling you the whole truth.

Thom: So now we’re going to the Wicker Hut.

Thom about Gothic Girl and her piercings: She’s cool… Just probably no fun to go to the airport with.

Ross M.

Thom First of all they don’t know English. Second of all they just stupid. And C, I don’t know why this book’s about waves.

Thom whispering and heading for the freezer Let’s have another hamburger.

Thom: You’re funny, you’re laid-back, you’re a great kisser.

Thom: Remember when you told me you’d make out with me if I got you a flat screen TV? Well pucker up, baby.

Thom: We also totally agreed you were the best kisser.

Thom: conspiratorially I put in a clear shower curtain. the door shuts on the camera.
Everyone: Awww!
Thom: For the love of God!

A Very Queer Eye Holiday

on the video
Carson: Didn’t Thom say these squiggly mirrors needed to go?
John: Um…
back in the apartment
Thom: Harrhible!
Thom jumps on top of Tina and mock-strangles her as Ted chases John around the room.

Thom to George’s girlfriend : Wait a minute. Are you in morningwear? So much for the white dress!

to Butch’s friend
Thom: Now, you’re married?
Butch’s friend: I have a girlfriend.
Thom: Oh! beat Does she know about Butch?

Thom: Run like a woman, Ted! Run!

WHAT’S THAT SOUND:
The Making of the Queer Eye Music Video

Ted singing: You came into my life, and my world never looked so bright. Something something something, something something something.
Thom: It’s better when she does it, somehow.

Thom: We’re not gay.
Ted: Because we don’t date anyone.

A scene from the video: the boys are stuck in a traffic jam
Jai: Thom, why did we take the bridge?
Thom: Feel free to put your floaters on and swim, Punkin.

Ralph S.

Thom: This table is completely tragic.

As they exit
Carson: Rock and roll!
Thom: Don’t kill anybody!
Kyan: Lay off the strippers!

KEVIN D.

Thom: Dude, you’re living like … like a crazy person!

Thom: I wanna go home!

Thom: It’ll fit! Put the damn ring on!

Warren L.

Ted: When you look at this color, what feeling does it evoke?
Thom: Must die now.

Thom: It’s like taking a wire hanger from the cleaners and faux-painting it wood.

Warren tastes the anti-nail biting polish on his nails.
Thom: That’s like buying mace and being like, “Let’s see if this works.”

John Z.

Thom: These are harrhible!
John: Sylvia and I made them.
Thom: These are delightful!

Thom: Trying to get an Italian woman out of the kitchen is impossible.

Rob M.

Thom to Ted: Keep your little weird fetishes out of this.

Rob is walking around in a towel
Thom: What if that fell off, for god’s sake?
Ted: That’d be great.

James M.

Thom: Welcome to your new apartment. It’s even gayer than before.

Carson: Time is running out. My hair almost caught on fire.

Mark Fa.

Carson: You know, if you don’t have a male role model in your life, bad things can happen.
Thom: For example?
Carson: Poster Child!

Kyan holding up shot glasses: Hey you guys, we should toast with these later.
Thom: No no no no no no. We have to get rid of those.
Kyan: Really?
Thom: Yeah.

Thom: You guys, look. This is my pile of stuff I don’t like. Is it getting too big?

Thom: I’ve never had anyone cry over my work before.

Mark Fi.

Thom: Oh, I see what we’ve done. This is a really good use of shower curtains.

Thom watching the shirts burn: I don’t think the EPAs going to be happy about this.

Thom: If you ruin that furniture I will kill you!

Season Two

Brandon & David B.

Thom: I’ve never decorated around butt holes before so I’m not really sure how to handle that.

Thom leaving quietly: I can’t do anything for these people.

Thom: If you chip it, you know with like a tooth, when you’re wrestling? You can have it buffed out. The twins nod. I love it how you guys don’t even flinch when I say that.

Thom: It’s no longer the cover of American Squalor magazine.

Thom: Now you guys can wrestle til you dislocate something without getting a rug burn.

Thom: In the words of Yoda, “May the force be with you.”

Thom: So much for the interior design. The whole house is going to burn down. With 80 candles. Oh my god!

Thom: Sometimes light bulbs are like lunch ladies from high school: you don’t wanna seem ’em naked.

David G.

Thom: I’m a do-it-yourselfer. Usually two or three times a day.

David: You’ve earned my trust.
Thom: Are you serious or are you kidding?

Thom: I’m the straight guy, you’re the decorator. You tell me what to do.

Thom: Was it fun being gay?

Thom: We’re going to use a dragging brush… It doesn’t mean you dress up as a woman when you use it.

Jai: Thom, let me drive! Let me drive!
Thom: No! Get away! Get away!

Michael C.

Thom about the fake plants: This is like a bad suburban nightmare.

Thom: Alright so you had the two cats. As you can hear, I’m a little verklempt.

Thom to Michael: I’m sorry, but as a Buddhist you probably shouldn’t be putting down other people.
Carson: Or calling them douches.

Thom: You’re looking cute there, Punkin.
Carson: He really is.Can I keep him? Please?

Thom: This is just like the one you have but—
Michael: Not ugly.
Thom: Not ugly.

Thom: I have a plan for the cats. And I’m not gonna tell you exactly what it is. But just as a note: remind me to pick up barbeque sauce on the way home.

Thom: Wait wait: remember it’s Buddha-licious.

Jai: I kind of think he could kill his whole prep time by looking in the mirror.
Thom pointing toward Kyan: Hello! Look who he learned from.

Thom: I’m so glad that they totally understand that I’m a genius.

TJ pulls all the videotapes out of the TV cabinet
Thom: It’s called discipline people! Say no to the baby!
All smacking Jai: No! No! No!

Kyan: It’s the gays. They really get you to eat the potatoes.
Thom: Actually it’s not the gays. Have you ever been to a gay dinner party?

Ted: It looks like the Gong Show, doesn’t it?
Thom: It really does.

Phil R.

Ted: This guy is 28 years old and he’s been married twice.
Thom Scooby Doo impression: Ruh Ro.

Thom trying to politely confirm the reason for the Britney cut-out: ‘Cause it sticks to the wall… and I don’t see any tape.

Thom: Oh my god. Look at all these sofas. Don’t you feel like you’re in therapy?

Thom: We kept your TV. Only because it was so big I couldn’t get it out of the apartment.

Thom: He’s moving slow. He’s kind of irritating me. But he’s cute.

Thom: You might not want to tell your employers that you’re a quitter.

Thom: He’s a nice guy. Not exactly a public speaker, but a nice guy.

Thom: You guys, he has one more “little” surprise for her.
Jai: You guys, he’s Puerto Rican. It’s not a little surprise.

The Ex: Wow. A chrome refrigerator.
Thom: Stainless steel, people. Hello.

Queer Eye for the Gay Guy

Thom about a massaging shower head: Our sisters of the other community… they love these.

Kyan: Are you gonna paint in here, Thom?
Thom: Um, guys. I’m at a loss.

Wayne: Once I got to college I was never alone for very long.
Ted: I guess that’s fun.
Thom: You’re a slut! I love it!

Thom: You know this leather headboard—which you can clean easily. I don’t even want to get into it, but just a little FYI.

Carson: Oh my god, that’s not the reaction I was hoping for.
Thom: A giggle is not what we were hoping for.

Thom; Look! Look at this! New doors! See the homosexuals! closes glass door See the homosexuals!

Thom: Definitely get rid of the mangina.
Kyan: Yeah, definitely get that off.

Thom: Gays love their frostings.

Carson: Now here we are at a gay watering hole.
Thom: Their are patterned shirts as far as the eye can see.

John S.

Thom: How quintessential straight guy is this? The poker game…
Carson: This guy is USG.
All: The ultimate straight guy!

Thom: This could be the worst color ever!

Ted: So Thom, what do we get rid of? This is ugly.
Thom: Well, Ted, if we had to rid of everything that was ugly—
Ted and Thom in unison: You wouldn’t be here.

Thom: He’s a booze hound! I love it!

Chris L.

Thom: You guys, I found the Lindbergh baby!

Thom: You’re asthetically-challenged.

Thom: We are about to go through table-top 101. For gay people this is like Monday-night football.

Thom: Carson. Wait. Wearing white. I think that’s a stretch.

Chris: You’ve encouraged me to remember everything that it is to be a man.
Thom: And isn’t that ironic?

Kyan: Why am I sitting next to Thom?
Thom: Because I’ve got a good personality and you don’t.
Kyan: Oh. That makes me feel so much better.

AL D.

Thom: Does Sandra, like, hate this apartment because it’s just… uncomfortable and weird?

Thom: I think you get this, like, going in or out of rehab.

Thom: May the force be with you, Kyan.
Kyan: And also with you.

Thom: He’s like, “I’m gonna take you on the grand tour.”
Ted: “Here’s the grand tour.”
They both rotate 360° in place.

Michael Z.

Thom: Your landlord covered up a multitude of sins up here.

Thom: Your room is pretty scary. I can’t believe you have a girlfriend. Good job.

Thom: How do you know you’re in love?
Michael: In love, I guess, when you think about a person all the time, and I call her like ten times a day.
Thom: Um, that’s actually called a stalker.

Thom: You have a huge livingroom. Right now you could rollerblade from piece of furniture to piece of furniture. You only have, like, three pieces.

Thom: He’s lighting candles inside of a bookshelf. Can someone say “fire hazard”?

Winston M.

Thom: Winston, this is your brain on gel!

Thom: Right now, it does look like you’re here to drop off a urine sample.

Thom: Isn’t it weird what cleaning can do?

ARI V.

Thom: Excuse me. I found some tissues and lotion next to the bed. Told ya.

Ted and Thom are screaming a plant
Ted: Grow! Grow!
Thom on the megaphone: You’re ugly!

Thom: Think Paris 1920’s in New York on a budget.

John W.

Ted: When Carson gets back I’m gonna put him in a ten-step couture program. Then I’m gonna kill him.
Kyan: I’m gonna kill him first, you kill him second.
Thom: Easy, killers.
Jai: We can dress John Williams from New Jersey!
Ted: Alright, everybody do a flip. everyone does a Carson hair flip

THANKSGIVING

Thom: You guys, I can’t wait to get home and set the table.
Kyan: Dude, that’s the gayest thing you’ve ever said.
Thom: It’s almost as gay as when I said I liked your hair.

A Very Queer Eye Christmas

Thom: It’s a very drug store Christmas.

Steve P.

Thom: Coffee, tea, or ugly shoes?

Thom: This is even a worse situation than I imagined. How long has it been that you’re getting blocks of cheese delivered?

Thom: Are you happy?
Steve: I’m very happy.
Thom: Well, then I have to go, get you off to your next homosexual.

RAY S.

Ted: Filicia, we’ve got some bad fashion in sector 12.
Thom: There’s no fashion in the kitchen, moron.
Ted: There is when I’m in the kitchen.

BRIAN M.

Thom about the food tray: Come on kids! Everyone gather around for some botchulism!

Thom about furniture: That might be an industry or a gay thing to say: it’s an occasional.

DARIN D. : LONDON

Thom holding the door shut to keep Ted inside the little closet: Ted, you’ve been in the closet for your whole life, just relax!

Jai: This is a little sandwich.
Thom: Oh my God, it looks like he made it with a lawnmower.

Thom: He has not written the clues out yet and she’s at the door.
Ted: He’s currently clueless.

Michael S.

Thom: Carson! Does this saxophone make my ass look big?

Thom: That’s real ugly. And I wrote a song about it. would you like to hear it, here it goes—
Kyan: No.
Thom singing: —That old chest of drawers is so ugly. Looks like a hooker picked it out.

Thom: This lamp commemorates the Year of the Electrical Fire.

Thom: This is very, sorta like, Unabomber.
Ted: I know. We’re gonna attack in Sector Four.

ALEX M.

Thom: He has no connections at all.
Carson: He’s going to have to sleep with someone important.
Thom: Immediately! If not sooner.

Thom: It almost looks like you guys are running from the law.

Thom: You could take a bus from the sofa to the television.

Carson: He is sweating like a whore in church.
Thom: Is he sweating or is he crying?

John D.

Thom: It is really great to be back in Staten Island! Everyone, lock your doors.

Thom: The city would shut this down. They’d shut this place down like a bad ferris wheel.

Thom: Look at this lamp. I’m loving this. We should have like a code. So if you don’t like her it’s down, and if you like her it’s up, and if you really like her you take the hat off. And then if you decide that instead of liking her, you like men, you can just put this hat on.

Thom about the Turkish wrestling book: I’m thinking we can have one next to your bed, and one next to your toilet.
John: I think it would look better next to your bed and Carson’s toilet.

Thom: Notice he hasn’t introduced Emily to anybody. He’s smart. Smart man.
Ted: I think he’s figured out that Emily is a liability.

Thom: He should be like, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I have good news and I have Emily!”

KORD S.

Thom: Do you think he owns a pre-fabricated Irish castle somewhere in America?

CAMERON A. : UNT

Thom: opening the fridge Ted! Oh my God, get out of there!
Ted: climbing out of the fridge Guess who’s coming to dinner?

Thom: You guys, come shower with us! Didn’t you ever want to shower with another man?

Thom: You wore this to poker night. I bet you didn’t poke ‘er.

Thom: Remember this: Sorority girls love wood.

Thom: Oh my god, did we turn them into Sorority sisters?

Thom: I think Tyler’s become like the grooming guru.
Kyan: I think he’s become like, the Kyan-in-training.

JOE H. : Dallas

Thom finding a bra: This an “over-the-shoulder boulder holder,” as far as I’m concerned.

Thom: And the fish… can we kill it? It looks like just a cesspool of filth.

Thom: This a coffee table. Do you like it?
Joe: Yeah.
Thom: You can put a lot of storage in there. Or if you want I can line it with glass and we can put the fish in there.

Season Three

Boston Red Sox

Kyan: Is there huge pressure to sort of pull it off next year or is it kind of like, “Okay, we did it.”?
Thom: It’s like, “We’ve got 86 more years!”

Ted: So Jason you flew all the way here in a helicopter to get your back waxed.
Thom: That’s really gay.

Thom: Okay, you can start tweezing his beard now.
Wakefield takes a swing with the handheld mirror at Thom

Thom: Don’t forget, crudité is very important before a baseball game!

PAOLO P.

Thom: Are these two washers and one dryer?
Paolo: That’s two dryers and one— actually two washers and one dryer.
Thom: You’ve definitely not done laundry before. He’s like, “Those are two microwaves, and this is the oven.”

Thom: Look! Daddy’s making a grease fire for mom!

Hector D.

Thom about furniture shopping: Whenever I go shopping with Ted I make sure there’s a bed.

Thom to Hector: We got you an old man named Ted!

Patrick M.

Thom pulling out a filigreed decorative piece: Things a straight guy doesn’t want to own. This is a book I’m writing.

Thom: This is the computer station. I’m loving it. I’m sure this is just a porn receptacle.

Thom: Well you know what’s great? You look like you’re not going to rob anything.

Kyan: What is it with you and sea creatures?
Ted: I hate sea creatures.
Thom: If it swims in the ocean Ted wants to kill it.

Moose Lodge

Ted: These guys just don’t get together and get drunk…they raise funds for children!
Thom: They get drunk for a reason!
Ted: They’re drunks with heart!

Thom: Who are all these people?  Looks like a lot of tax evasions going on around here.

Ted in the lodge’s red jacket: Congratulations. You’re Century 21’s top seller of the month for Dayton, Ohio.

Michael B.

Michael: Now one thing, it’s very moving to me that you valued our art. I get the feeling that if I walked into this place, that this is somebody who really cares about these paintings. Because it’s true.
Carson: Now don’t be mad at us. These are actually color Xeroxes. We sold the originals.
Thom: To pay for this.

Thom: Remember the pitiful stereo that he had?
Carson: Oh, their Walkperson?
Thom: Their Walkperson, yeah.

Thom: They have a really great relationship. I think that could also be the magic of boarding school.

Season Four

Max C.

Max about the sofa: This is great too.
Thom: Isn’t it? And it’s comfy.
Max: We’re gonna have sex right here.
Carson grabbing Max: Okay.

Asher & Tsiliana

Thom:   These are total Vegas outfits.
Carson:   Do I look like Liberace threw up on me?
Thom:   The jacket looks like the interior of an old Studebaker.

Thom: [There’s] nothing like shopping with a gun.

Ted: If the family gives you any static, just remind them how much money you saved them.
Carson: And then blame Jai.
Thom: That’s what we do.

Thom: This is like your bachelor party. Unfortunately, it’s with five gay guys.
Carson: And we have a donkey.

ED M.

Thom: What about all this stuff on top? These stuffed animals?
Elaine: They’re sentimental.
Thom: They are? They’re sentimental? Like enough to be in the livingroom, not in the bedroom or guest room or the office or a closet or a box in the garage or storage out on the deck?

Thom: Hey Ted. What do you think about these curtains?
Ted: Um, it looks like a really cheap wedding dress that exploded.
Thom to Elaine: Well he’s a real bitch. I was just going to say they weren’t that cool.

Thom: I think he’s trying to seduce the photographer.

JEFF B.

Carson yelling out the window: Hey! Are you single?
Thom: No. He’s just annoyed.

Thom sitting on Jeff’s lap: We’re trying to get you a date and here you are—
Jeff: I like older men.
Thom: Older! Oh my god! You’re in so much trouble.

Jeff: I think I’m literally going to faint, this so gorgeous.
Thom: Oh my god! You are gay.

Kyan: Who the fuck is he talking to?!
Thom: He’s definitely insane.

JESAN

Ted to Tyson: Based on the color of your shirt and what you’re drinking you appear to be very secure in your masculinity.
Tyson: I really— I am.
Thom to Ted: Based on the color of your shirt and what you’re drinking you’re still in the closet.

Steve H.

Carson: I want to ride on a fireman. I mean fire truck.
Thom: You mean fireman.
Carson: I mean fireman.

Eric Z.

Thom: So you’re his squire. Now what would be under a squire?
Squire: His wife.

Thom: Welcome to the Knights of the Round Coffee Table!

Thom about the heraldic pants: Unless he finds a witch and a wardrobe I don’t think he should wear that.

Thom on the father giving his blessing: “Good luck.” That’s not a great endorsement.

Anna Marie & Michael G.

Thom: Ted and I went to a pre-gay course once. Ted got not-so-straight As.

Carson: I always get the people I really like better outfits.
Thom: You do.
Carson: I was like, “I like them. Let’s go with Chanel.”

MILES G.

Thom: You came here with really sort of a duffle bag and a dream.

Thom: I’m kind of nervous that Austin isn’t going to like the house.

Rotondo Family

Thom: I took the plastic off. And I really believe that this material is like an outdoor fabric. I don’t think it’s going to stain it.
Everyone: Oh boy.
Thom pouring a little sauce on it: Just a little. trying to wipe it up Nope. It’s not stain resistant!

Thom: All I can say is that Peter Sr. did an amazing job at doing nothing.

Khadijah & Eric

Carson: We better call Kate Moss on this one, people.
Thom: What would Kate do?
Carson: What would Kate do?
Thom: What would Kate do that’s legal?

Thom: Are you a surgeon on the weekend as well?
Eric: That’s actually strawberry preserves.
Thom: Honey, your organ’s here!

Eric S.

Thom: None of this furniture is worthy of the amount of stairs you had to carry it up.

Thom: Let’s find a table for him to sit at. Look at this one. This is waterproof and breathable.
Ted: Which you really want in a table. I think this was supposed to be on a sweater or something, and some joker stuck it on a table.

Adam and Steve

Ted :Thom is gonna learn how to make banana splits with the kids.
Really?
Thom: I said as long as there are chocolate sprinkles, I’m there.

Thom: You don’t like brownies? So now what planet are you from?

TODD E.

Thom: Do you eat this [Macaroni and Cheese]?
The Brother: I will. But the difference is that I’ll have one bowl. Todd will have two bowls and, like, sprinkle some, like, Ranch dressing in there and see what happens.
Jai cringing: Ugh!
Thom: So he’s more of a chef?

JIM M.

Ted: Thom knows something about closets.
Thom: I know a lot about closets.

Hannah: This is what a girl’s room should look like.
Thom: This is what a girl’s room should like.
Jai: No one knows a girl’s room like Thom.