Queer Eye Queer Eye Seasons

Season 2

2004.06.01    

Brandon & David B.

Brandon on Thom and Kyan: These guys can wrestle!

Ted: You’re almost out of milk and soda. But you’ve got a full bottle of flax oil!

Carson: It’s like a chainletter, this shirt.

Thom leaving quietly: I can’t do anything for these people.

Carson tosses a football and completely demolishes a light fixture
Carson: Mom always said don’t play ball in the house. I so didn’t mean to do that.
Ted: “When Gays Throw Footballs.”

Brandon: My mom thought my room was nice, for some reason.
Carson: She did? Did she have a German Shepherd and a cane, too?

Thom: If you chip it, you know with like a tooth, when you’re wrestling? You can have it buffed out. The twins nod. I love it how you guys don’t even flinch when I say that.

Thom: It’s no longer the cover of American Squalor magazine.

Carson: How would you not wanna go home with these two? Or just one.

Kyan: And stay out of each other’s products.

Thom: In the words of Yoda, “May the force be with you.”

Carson: You need some socks to dry those tears.

Thom: Dude, you got the beer!
Ted: I figured this would be apropos for the Bravo brothers.

Ted: It’s called a bottle opener people!
Kyan: Use it!
Ted: Widely available!

Thom: So much for the interior design. The whole house is going to burn down. With 80 candles. Oh my god!

Twin about to read a poem: Please don’t throw fruit, we got all new stuff.

Thom: Sometimes light bulbs are like lunch ladies from high school: you don’t wanna seem ’em naked.

David G.

Thom: I’m a do-it-yourselfer. Usually two or three times a day.

Ted: Siding from hell!

Jessica about the Rubiks cube in the bathroom: He actually can get two sides, but I don’t touch it because there’s fecal matter all over it.

Thom: We’re very safe Jewish people, so… breaks plastic glass with his foot

Kyan: And then you stand in the shower with an electrical device. Which always seems like a good idea.

Carson: You’re the business partner. You’re the Dolce of Dolce and Gabana. You’re the Pra of Prada.

David: You’ve earned my trust.
Thom: Are you serious or are you kidding?

Thom: I’m the straight guy, you’re the decorator. You tell me what to do.

Thom: Was it fun being gay?

Thom: We’re going to use a dragging brush… It doesn’t mean you dress up as a woman when you use it.

Carson: Love you more than my Louie. And that’s a lot. Trust me.

Jai: Thom, let me drive! Let me drive!
Thom: No! Get away! Get away!

Michael C.

Carson about the crying baby: I think he’s afraid of your hair, actually.

Carson: I feel we’re in a pediatric office, actually… I feel like I should be reading Highlights magazine.

All: …W, X, Y and Z.
Carson: God this is a long song.
All: Now I know my ABCs…
Carson: I know that part.

Ted: Oh my goodness! Power-play Love Kit
Amy starts laughing, completely mortified
Carson: Well now where’s the Power Pack?
Ted: It’s okay, calm down. Carson has one of these. But he has the power pack. It’s not as worn though.

Amy screaming and ripping up the sofa: I hate this sofa!
Ted: How do feel about fruit soup?
Amy: I hate fruit soup!
Thom: What about the baby?
Amy: I love the baby!

Ted: Poor little baby. You know we’re used to having Jai around, so we’re used to crybabies.

Kyan: Your hair is so greasy. What do you put in it?
Michael: Um… it’s called Soft and Beautiful. takes out bottle
Kyan: Let me see that. *takes bottle from Michael* Dude, this stuff is for African American textured hair.
Michael: Yeah.
Kyan: That is NEVER the answer.

Michael: You have to screw the thing into the hole.
Ted: Alright, now, Missy—
Carson: Don’t get fresh with me!

Thom to Michael: I’m sorry, but as a Buddhist you probably shouldn’t be putting down other people.
Carson: Or calling them douches.

Thom: I have a plan for the cats. And I’m not gonna tell you exactly what it is. But just as a note: remind me to pick up barbeque sauce on the way home.

Ted waving around French bread: In your face, low-carb people! In your face! bites a huge hunk out of the bread.

Thom: Wait wait: remember it’s Buddha-licious.

Ted: We made a new drink!
Carson: The fruit cocktail!
Ted: In honor of Michael’s weird fruit addiction!

Jai: I kind of think he could kill his whole prep time by looking in the mirror.
Thom pointing toward Kyan: Hello! Look who he learned from.

Thom: I’m so glad that they totally understand that I’m a genius.

TJ pulls all the videotapes out of the TV cabinet
Thom: It’s called discipline people! Say no to the baby!
All smacking Jai: No! No! No!

Kyan: It’s the gays. They really get you to eat the potatoes.
Thom: Actually it’s not the gays. Have you ever been to a gay dinner party?

Carson: Everyone likes a nice basket. Even when it’s not Easter.

Phil R.

Carson: These backdoor boys need to kick his Backstreet ass.

Jai with a Britney cut-out on his lap: No, uh, no I’ve never gotten married and annulled it in one day. But we do have a lot in common.
Ted: Oh, Jai.

Kyan: You had a beer in the shower?
Phil: Oh, like you haven’t.
Kyan pauses and then cracks up

Thom trying to politely confirm the reason for the Britney cut-out: ‘Cause it sticks to the wall… and I don’t see any tape.

Ted holding up a saw: Anybody got any unnecessary limbs?

Carson: Oh god Smell it!
Ted: Thanks, I’m trying to quit.
Carson: It smells like an old scab!

The Co-worker: He does pay attention to his look. It’s just horrible.

Phil: You know it’s funny, ’cause we were fixing the inside of my car and really it’s like we were fixing the inside of me.
Kyan: Did you just use a metaphor?! Oh my god, you used a metaphor!

Thom: We kept your TV. Only because it was so big I couldn’t get it out of the apartment.

Ted: This is a salad spinner. flips the top up. And it’s happy to see you.

Kyan: Look! Here’s a beer. Why don’t you go have a shower.

Thom: He’s moving slow. He’s kind of irritating me. But he’s cute.

Kyan: He just left all those beer bottles on the table.
Carson: And all the lights on. Doesn’t he realize our fossil fuels are dwindling?

Carson: She’s either still in love or wants to play Hide-the-Salami later. One or the other. Discuss.

Carson: He’s getting a promo ’cause of the homos.

Thom: You guys, he has one more “little” surprise for her.
Jai: You guys, he’s Puerto Rican. It’s not a little surprise.

The Ex: Wow. A chrome refrigerator.
Thom: Stainless steel, people. Hello!

Queer Eye for the Gay Guy : Wayne H.

Jai: It just goes to show: bad taste does not discriminate.
Ted: They’ll let anybody be gay these days!
Thom: Exactly. How did he get his gay card?

Kyan: There’s a disco shower curtain in here. Ted, have you seen this? This beats all the shower curtains I’ve ever come in contact with.

Ted looking at a studded bracelet: This is for his wrist, right? Because… raises eyebrow you know…

Thom about a massaging shower head: Our sisters of the other community… they love these.

Carson after almost swallowing an entire hotdog: Oo, I do have a gag reflex!

Thom: Why are you getting undressed in the refrigerator?
Wayne: They told me to.

Ted setting up a dunking bird dealie: Drink you stupid bird! bird falls over. I don’t know how to work this bird. What does that say about me?

Carson: I have some terrible news for you, okay? Lesbians have come in, taken all of your clothing, and left nothing but fleece.

Wayne: Once I got to college I was never alone for very long.
Ted: I guess that’s fun.
Thom: You’re a slut! I love it!

Thom: You know this leather headboard—which you can clean easily. I don’t even want to get into it, but just a little FYI.

Ted: Man does not live by croutons alone.

Carson:The only thing that separates us from the heterosexuals is our ability to accessorize.

Carson: This shirt says martini. This shirt says cocktail lounge. This shirt says pickle smoker. pause In a good way.

Kyan: Don’t you love happy endings?

Thom; Look! Look at this! New doors! See the homosexuals! closes glass door See the homosexuals!

Wayne looking in his drink: Where’s my cherry?
Ted: That’s really not something I can answer, Wayne.

Carson: I thought you’d like a little head in the bedroom.

Thom: Definitely get rid of the mangina.
Kyan: Yeah, definitely get that off.

Wayne: How come I don’t have a sponge
Jai: Why doesn’t he have a sponge, Ted?
Kyan: Why doesn’t he have a sponge, Thom?
Carson: Dammit, Ted. Where’s the sponge?
Ted: I’m not the sponge provider.

Wayne is completely over-obsessing
Ted: We should have given him a bong.

Ted: Cheers, queers!

John S.

Thom: How quintessential straight guy is this? The poker game…
Carson: This guy is USG.
All: The ultimate straight guy!

Thom: This could be the worst color ever!

Carson: These are some of the smallest condoms I’ve ever seen.

Ted: Look! It’s like I’ve got a deck of meat cards. Deal me in some mad cow.

Kyan: Do you participate in the whole poker thing?
The Son: Yeah, I usually beat him.
Kyan: Really?
The Son: Yeah, he gets drunk early and…
Kyan: Seriously?

Thom handcuffs Jai to a lamp and Thom and Ted lose it.
Jai: What, you’ve never seen a guy attached to a lamp before?
Ted: Hey, Jai, could you come over here? We could lose some light over here.

Carson: I’m not going anywhere. You can hug me all you want, but I’m staying.

Kyan: I am the genie. I grant you three wishes. No nose hair? I do it.
Carson: I want you to rub something.

Jai: I’m sorry. I’m depressed about this so I’m having a fluffernutter.

Ted: So Thom, what do we get rid of? This is ugly.
Thom: Well, Ted, if we had to rid of everything that was ugly—
Ted and Thom in unison: You wouldn’t be here.

Carson: So tell me about poker night. It’s like all the male bonding you want without going to Riker’s Island.

Carson: This isn’t beach bum, this is beach homeless.

Ted: How much beer is in this?
Garret: Um, let’s see. That would be like 42 kegs.
Ted: Dude!

The Wife: He didn’t know what to do [with the hole in the wall] until he took a picture of the hole, framed it, and put it over the hole.

Carson: I’m just in the closet.
Kyan: Oh, come out! Come out!

Carson: Tonight we’re playing poker, tonight we’re upping our Ante Mame.
Ted: Wait, did you pull a fashion bait-and-switch?
Carson: Yes, we did!

Ted: What do you think about dieting?
John: I don’t know. I’ve never thought of it.
Ted: Good. Me neither.

Kyan: Poker? I don’t even know her!

Thom: He’s a booze hound! I love it!

Ted: They’re kinda like the Fab Five in a way, only without the whole “sleeping-with-guys” thing.

Kyan: I bet Jai!
Jai: I can’t be bet! You can’t bet humans!

John K.

The boys are all running to the house
Kyan: Ted, watch your hip!
Thom: Ted, be careful!

Ted playing with kitchen swinging doors: Wait, I’m in the OK Corral. What?
Thom: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

Jai carrying a stack of ashtrays: I think you have enough ashtrays. I’m guessing, but I think you’re good.

Carson: You don’t have to call me sir. You can call me ma’am or something.

Kyan: I’ve found that the oven is good for storage. It’s especially good to keep cardboard in the oven.

Ted: This looks like a doll that’s like a warning to people like Carson. “Stop tanning! Stop tanning!”

Kyan: He’s got an ashtray in the bathroom. Oh my goodness, he smokes on the can.

Carson: You know what I love about Corel? It’s non-breakable! drops plate on floor. “I really shouldn’t be drinking and cooking.” starts dropping more and accidentally destroys plates Apparently, when you bang the two together, all of their magic power go away.

Carson walking over the broken plates: God, look! I’m Annie Lennox! Walking on broken glass.

Carson: Every time a gay baby is born, a drag queen gets it’s wings!

Kyan: You have power tools in your bathroom, dude.

Carson: Take the patron saint of retail with you.

Ted: As a new bachelor you’re gonna need a good functioning mattress. Do you like it firm or do you like it soft?
John: What— what are you talking about?

John: You could make me an honorary marshal at the–
Carson: At the gay pride parade with this.

Carson: Alright, soldier, no more tears.
Ted: Don’t let Carson bottle up your emotions.

Carson: Super-Gay powers activate in the form of: neckwear!

Carson about the Rainbow Room: There are no rainbow flags. I don’t get it.
Ted: Yeah, I thought this was a gay bar.

Ted: Wait, play something stiff and uptight for us.

Chris L.

Carson: You can live in New Jersey but you can’t live in sin!

Thom: You guys, I found the Lindbergh baby!

Ted: It’s like self-help refrigerator magnets. That’s just creeping me out.

Carson: It’s like the Amish version of Sex in the Country.

Thom: You’re asthetically-challenged.

Ted: Will it make her cry? I wanna make her cry!

Thom: We are about to go through table-top 101. For gay people this is like Monday-night football.

Carson: You’re wearing brown now. I think that was a happy accident. Or that was.

Carson: Sometimes it’s so hard to find the hole.

Carson: I don’t want to put the ho in homewrecker.

Ted: Come on in guys. We pitched a tent!

Thom: Carson. Wait. Wearing white. I think that’s a stretch.

Ted: Guys just don’t get to play with ribbons and hole-punches enough, don’t you think?

Kyan: All I have to say to you, is “Pour me a glass of champagne, bitch.”

Kyan: Do you want what is in the trash can, or curtain number one?

Carson: We’re just in here playing with a girl’s best friend. It’s rock hard and shiny. It’s called diamonds.

Chris: You’ve encouraged me to remember everything that it is to be a man.
Thom: And isn’t that ironic?

The Cousin: The best part about Chris is… he married my cousin.

Carson: And, by the way, he’s got a slammin’ body.

Carson: What more could a gal like me ask for?

Kyan: Why am I sitting next to Thom?
Thom: Because I’ve got a good personality and you don’t.
Kyan: Oh. That makes me feel so much better.

Al D.

Carson: You know it’s really not very welcoming when your girlfriend is afraid to sit down and pee.

Thom: Does Sandra, like, hate this apartment because it’s just… uncomfortable and weird?

Ted: This a 41-year old guy with like, 41-year-old rosemary.

Thom: I think you get this, like, going in or out of rehab.

Kyan: Who twists their ankle skiing on a bed? I do.

Carson: It’s like plastic surgery for your ass. But much cheaper.

Ted hanging off the front of a trash compactor: Onward… Trashmen of the… world.
Al: You okay Ted?
Ted: Yeah, yeah. I always wanted to be a hood ornament.

Carson dropping in on the cheese and wine tasting: Are we praising cheese-us?
Ted: We sure is.

And they played the Pixies’ Here Comes Your Man. Nice.

Ted: He’s got ulterior votives.

Al about the steaming washcloth: Looks like your toe is smoking a cigarette.

Ted: This is very Mafioso.
Carson: “I’m gonna hug ya, then whack ya.”

Michael Z.

Carson: He needs to face his fears with these five queers.

Carson: We need to put some fine back in New York’s finest.

Thom: Your landlord covered up a multitude of sins up here.

Jai: Where’s the porn?

Thom: Your room is pretty scary. I can’t believe you have a girlfriend. Good job.

Carson: If Mike gets on a train in Albany at 2 pm, and Sally gets on a train in Atlanta at 5 pm, how long will it take Mike to realize this tie is the most ugliest thing I’ve seen in my whole life?

Thom: How do you know you’re in love?
Michael: In love, I guess, when you think about a person all the time, and I call her like ten times a day.
Thom: Um, that’s actually called a stalker.

Thom: You have a huge livingroom. Right now you could rollerblade from piece of furniture to piece of furniture. You only have, like, three pieces.

Ted: So maybe we should take the soy burgers back to your buddies and don’t tell ’em what it is. And then they’ll kick your ass afterwards, but… it’s good!

Ted: Wait, did you just call a couch “cinnamon”?
Jai: Wow, you really have been hanging out with Thom.

Ted: I found something in your fridge that calls itself parmesan cheese and it’s *sniffle* in a plastic can! Michael grabs for it Wait, it’s too late. I already found it, man.

Carson about the hot dogs: I’d like a hot weiner inside a tight bun.

Thom: He’s lighting candles inside of a bookshelf. Can someone say “fire hazard”?

Carson: Out! Wait. I’m out, he’s safe.

Ted: He hit a homo-run!

Kyan: Don’t share your nose hair trimmer!
Carson: What’s next? Sharing needles?

Sean K.

Ted wooden utensil fighting with Kyan: You’re dead! I just stabbed you in the heart. Kyan starts combing his hair. Oh, thanks. I need that.

Ted vacuuming out a drawer: Wow this vacuum cleaner sucks. In that it doesn’t.

Kyan playing with numchucks: Look at me. I’m a regular martial arts master.
Ted: Kyan, you’re going to hit yourself on the head.
Kyan: I know.

Jai watching porn and then turning it off: And off it goes. Literally, off it goes.

Carson: When you wear that whole black thing you look like a Branch Davidian or something.

Carson: Enjoy your privacy. Carson peeks around the corner
Sean: No peeking, Carson.

Sean: You’re so much fun.
Carson; Oh, Sean. Wait ’til we start making out.

Carson about speed dating: It’s like bingo. But at the end you get laid.

Winston S.

Ted dressed in scuba gear: I’m going into the fridge!

Jai messing up Kyan’s hair: What goes around comes around, honey. There you go, Ted. I got your back.

Thom: Winston, this is your brain on gel!

Carson: Oh, just when I thought the plaid had ended!

Jai: You guys, seriously, he has a hot body.
Kyan: Oh yeah, he’s flamin’.

Ted: Speaking of being brutally honest, I have to tell you, you’re insane.

Thom: Right now, it does look like you’re here to drop off a urine sample.

Kyan: You have a yeast infection, Winston,

Thom: Isn’t it weird what cleaning can do?

Carson: He’s far too calm. Maybe I shouldn’t have given him all that lithium.

Ari V.

Ted: His girlfriend lives in London and he only sees her 4 times a year. You know what that means.
Carson: A lot of hand lotion.

Kyan: You have a small basket. That’s the unfortunate thing about this.

Thom: Excuse me. I found some tissues and lotion next to the bed. Told ya.

Carson: It’s a concert. I need a lighter!

Carson: Nothing like some maple syrup shots first thing in the morning.
Jai: Really gets you going.
Carson: You know what this needs? A pancake chaser.

Jai: Hey! Everybody! If you’re gay get in this room.
Carson: I’m not gay. I’m questioning!

Carson: You know what? We can either clean this place or sing show tunes!
Ted: Showtunes!

Kyan: Oh no I have all the time in the world. You go take your precious little time. Don’t worry about me!

Thom: Think Paris 1920’s in New York on a budget.

Ari: Oh, I can feel a difference.
Kyan: That’s because it’s clean.

Carson: Let’s do a little couture tour here.

John W.

Ted: When Carson gets back I’m gonna put him in a ten-step couture program. Then I’m gonna kill him.
Kyan: I’m gonna kill him first, you kill him second.
Thom: Easy, killers.
Jai: We can dress John Williams from New Jersey!
Ted: Alright, everybody do a flip. everyone does a Carson hair flip

Kyan and Ted are talking in Irish accents
Kyan: I remember growing up as a wee little kid in the father land.
Ted: Ay.
Kyan: Rushin’ down the hills. And I almost fell and busted me collarbone, I did.
Ted: Was that what turned ya queer, was it?
Kyan: That’s what turned me homo.

john: It was love at first sight.
Ted: Now when you felt like that, how many cocktails had you had?

Jai: Are you gonna hang, Ted?
Ted: I was gonna hang five or six or… however many I was able to hang.

Kyan: Buckle up, John. Thom can’t drive to save his life.

Steve P.

Carson: They’re playing “my divorce sucks more than your divorce.”

Jai looking at the basement canned goods: Woah. He’s saving for wartime.

Carson to a Lassie look-alike: What is it, girl? Are last season’s shoes in here?

Ted: I think we’re all set for olive oil.
Kyan: Extra virgin. That doesn’t apply to you.

Thom: Are you happy?
Steve: I’m very happy.
Thom: Well, then I have to go, get you off to your next homosexual.

Steve: From Minnesota.
Jai: Yah, eh.

Carson: So, why doesn’t he say, “Just donate them to charity?” Those people have enough problems, okay?

A Very Queer Eye Thanksgiving

Thom: You guys, I can’t wait to get home and set the table.
Kyan: Dude, that’s the gayest thing you’ve ever said.
Thom: It’s almost as gay as when I lied to you and said your hair looked good.

As Carson slowly pulls a knife out of the sink
Ted: No! Carson, no!

A Very Queer Eye Christmas

Carson: They’re definitely one Brady short of a bunch!

Kyan: You guys have quite the litter there.

Carson: Oh my god, who saw Annie? Oh, my god, who saw Oliver? Oh my god, who saw Valley of the Dolls? Me!

Thom: It’s a very drugstore Christmas.

Ted: Maybe one of you guys should volunteer not to eat.

Ray S.

Carson: You should get that thing so that babies don’t stick thing in electrical outlets. My parents never got those.

Carson: Oo, I’m getting an apartment complex!

Ted: Filicia, we’ve got some bad fashion in sector 12.
Thom: There’s no fashion in the kitchen, moron.
Ted: There is when I’m in the kitchen.

Ray: It’s not a very good laptop.
Carson: No, it’s like an Etch-a-Sketch!

Kyan: Here. shoving a board game at Jai. Get a life.

Brian M.

Ted: We’ve never made over the lord of darkness before.

Carson: From playing the field to sealing the deal. We should get pom-poms, too.

Carson: Here’s the plaid collection. All alphabetized. Heinous, more heinous, and super-heinous.

Ted to a daughter: I know. Cover your eyes. Don’t look. That’s a parent’s undergarments.

Carson: You just want to keep around a pair of old socks because if you start to fall asleep—sniffs socks—it wakes you right up.

Carson: On the Jumbotron it will say, “Will you marry me, Raquel?”
Brian: Rachel.
Carson: Yeah, I know, but in case she doesn’t say, “yes,” you can say, “No no no, that wasn’t me.”

Thom about the food tray: Come on kids! Everyone gather around for some botchulism!

Kyan: I usually try to avoid hair care products that smell like bubblegum.
Brian: Really?
Kyan: Yeah.

Thom about furniture: That might be an industry or a gay thing to say: it’s an occasional.

Carson: You’re giving me Ryan O’Neill in Love Story right now. Do I look a little like Allie McGraw?

Fragrance Guy: How does lavender sound? It’s a bit citrus-y, with a nice base of amber.
Kyan: Sounds like a stripper.

Ted: …and Jai is going to top that with a little chipotle buffalo sauce.
Jai: As I’m known to do.

Carson about the meat thermometer: It’s going to beep and vibrate when it’s getting close? Are you kidding me? Where do I get this?

Simon B. : London

Ted: Former 80s pop star. Did quite well in London, actually. But look at him. He looks like Simply Red.
Thom: He looks simply tragic.

Carson: I’ve never done a British guy before.
Thom: Somehow, I think you have.

Carson: God, you look a little bit like—
Ted: Cyndi Lauper!
Carson: Cyndi Lauper. Or, uh—
Simon: Kenny G.!
Ted: Is that better?

Carson hearing a breaking vase in the background: Sorry about your, ah—
Ted: Everything.

Thom: Mirror, mirror, on the wall. You’re the ugliest mirror of them all.

Thom: You see. I’m bringing people together with decorating.

Carson about the bad hair: Actually, who did this?
Simon: Somebody did this about a year ago.
Graham Norton: Were they licensed?

Darin D. : LONDON

Ted holding six bottles of hot sauce: Look, Thom. I think hot sauce was on sale!

Ted peeking into a little closet under the stairs: Thom, look! I found Harry Potter’s room!

Kyan: Julie is addicted to thermal styling. You have a thermal styling addiction.

Thom holding the door shut to keep Ted inside the little closet: Ted, you’ve been in the closet for your whole life, just relax!

Darin: I usually end up cooking three different things. They’re all chicken dishes: Mushroom Chicken, Tangy Chicken and Chicken Delish.
Ted: Chicken Delish? What’s in Chicken Delish?
Darin: Mushroom soup, chicken soup, chicken and… cheese.
Ted awkward pause: Ooh.

Ted about a furry ottoman: This is kind of fun. It’s like Carson’s hair. Except soft. Not brittle.

Ted about the cheese: How do you feel about mold?
Darin: Sure. I guess.
Ted: Usually when we do this the mold is found in the straight guy’s house.

Carson: Let’s start spending it like Beckham!

Carson: In the words of Joey Lawrence, “Woah!”

Ted about the cheese selections: You’ll recognize these guys. You might recognize the aroma. Smells like feet.

Kyan: We put the tail in “detail.”

Thom: Why did you mess the bed up?
Jai: Because he had to make it for Julie. He learned how to make hospital corners.
Carson: That’s a mental-hospital corner.

Carson: I thought if he answered the door only in high-heeled shoes and a smile, it’d be a really memorable afternoon.

Jai: This is a little sandwich.
Thom: Oh my God, it looks like he made it with a lawnmower.

Ted: He’s packing the picnic—
Carson: He’s packin’ a nice basket

Thom: He has not written the clues out yet and she’s at the door.
Ted: He’s currently clueless.

Ted: This is the room where all the minty action happens.

Hip Tips:
Ted: More tea, your Majesty?
Queen Elizabeth: Aren’t you the queen?

Brud L.

Carson: He kinda has a hee haw-chic thing going on.

Kyan: We need to get this dude a new ‘do, dude.
Thom: Dude.
Ted: Dude.
Carson: Dude!
Thom: Yeah, dude!
Jai, Ted and Kyan: Duuude.

Carson: Our people have been here, Brud. They’ve left Fairy Dust everywhere.

Carson: It’s Hanson and Charles Manson.

Ted: I think he’s trying to poison us, Jai.

As Thom walks around in a pseudo dynamite belt.
Ted: I don’t know if you should go outside in this.

Carson: Reaffirmation to your commitment to one another. That sounds so gay.

Kyan: I can’t believe a straight guy just made his own facial mask.
Ted: And the leftover mask would make a great smoothie.

Ted: Even the bikers are tearing up!

Michael S.

Carson: Look, it’s sprockets. would you like to touch my monkey?

Thom: Carson! Does this saxophone make my ass look big?

Ted: So you have an assault rifle? Okay, I’ll be going now.

Carson: This guy obviously thinks that black is the new black.

Thom: That’s real ugly. And I wrote a song about it. would you like to hear it, here it goes—
Kyan: No.
Thom singing: —That old chest of drawers is so ugly. Looks like a hooker picked it out.

Thom: This lamp commemorates the Year of the Electrical Fire.

Thom: This is very, sorta like, Unabomber.
Ted: I know. We’re gonna attack in Sector Four.

Michael: How am I gonna cook for 50 people? Am I a Navy shop or something?

Carson to Michael: You feel like a jackass? Maybe it’s because you are a jackass.

Carson about the new decor: Do you like it Mikey? He likes it! He really likes it!

Carson about the new look: Do you feel confident and sexy?
Michael: No.
Carson throwing the couture and storming out: I DON’T CARE!

Carson: I can’t wait to see some hot biker action!

Kyan about the hummus prep: I think he’s going to the dark place.

Kyan about the couture: He’s going to that dark place again.

Ted: It’s gonna be a bitch to carry that hummus on a motorcycle, I gotta say.

Carson: They’re agog!

Alex M.

Kyan: I feel so bad for him, because the brothers are identical twins and he’s fraternal.
Ted: I feel bad for the brothers because they’re named Aristotle and Socrates.

Thom: He has no connections at all.
Carson: He’s going to have to sleep with someone important.
Thom: Immediately! If not sooner.

Carson: It’s very Transformer. I’m going to show you the power of accessories to transform.

Thom: It almost looks like you guys are running from the law.

Thom: You could take a bus from the sofa to the television.

Carson: When you go for casting you can’t be like that. You have to own the world. Even if you have to charge it.

Carson: You look like a million Drachmas.

Carson: It’s hot Thespian-on-Thespian action!

Carson: He is sweating like a whore in church.
Thom: Is he sweating or is he crying?

John D.

Thom: It is really great to be back in Staten Island! Everyone, lock your doors.

Kyan: How much can you know from a person through a webcam?
Carson: Actually…

Ted: This was on the toilet. It should not be on the toilet. It should be in the toilet. throws banana And now it is.

Ted: This is possibly the straightest guy who ever lived.

Ted: Noooo! mock crying White Zinfandel…

Ted: Oh look! Light beer! Why do guys drink light beer? I guess because they want to drink 57 of them.

John about his physique: This is mostly beer.
Ted: Well party on, John.

Carson about the Hawaiian shirt: Exhibit UGLY, okay?

Thom: Look at this lamp. I’m loving this. We should have like a code. So if you don’t like her it’s down, and if you like her it’s up, and if you really like her you take the hat off. And then if you decide that instead of liking her, you like men, you can just put this hat on.

Thom about the Turkish wrestling book: I’m thinking we can have one next to your bed, and one next to your toilet.
John: I think it would look better next to your bed and Carson’s toilet.

Kyan: You know what the irony is? I think your haircut before was very gay. It took a gay guy to fix that.

Ted: So if anybody asks—
John: It’s not because I’m a cheap bastard, it’s because I’m ahead of my time.
Ted: No. I mean you might be a cheap bastard, but it’s not because of this.
John: Fair enough.

Carson: Let’s have a three-martini play date. C’mon!

Jai: You know what? Jai stands up indignantly Some nice thoughtful gifts and she sneered at them!

She takes a bite
Ted: Don’t you piss me off!

Jai: I wanted to say she’s sassy, but at this point she’s just pessimistic.

Thom: Notice he hasn’t introduced Emily to anybody. He’s smart. Smart man.
Ted: I think he’s figured out that Emily is a liability.

The Boss: Not bad.
Carson: Not bad?
The Boss: Coming from my age group, not bad.
Carson: Okay, lay off the hot dogs and let us know in a week.

Thom: He should be like, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I have good news and I have Emily!”

Kord S.

Jai: Marina and Kord.
Carson: That’s very Port Charles.

Carson: It’s like a sporting goods store threw up in your closet.

Jai to Kyan: You’re sexy. You’re one sexy bitch.

Thom: Do you think he owns a pre-fabricated Irish castle somewhere in America?

Ted as Carson attempts a ribbon routine: Mr. Kressley is going for the gold in rhythmic gymnastics.
Kord: Amazing presentation and dexterity.

Ted: This is a beautiful fabric. It’s actually made of an, um, outdoor picnic table tablecloth.

Kyan playing with a cigar cutter: For “cigars.”
Jai: Or emergency circumcisions.

Dr.: March in place.
Kyan: I can see you at the Gay Pride parade right now.
Kord: We’re here, we’re…
Kyan: Get used to it.

Butcher about the sausage casing: This is a hard casing.
Ted: They used to make condoms out of this stuff. But I don’t think they do that anymore.
Butcher: I had a feeling that was coming.

Ted: Nothing says “I love you” like sausage.

Carson: She’s getting all Paris Hilton on us: “That’s hot.”

Ted: Hi, are you the pitcher?
Carson: No, I’m the catcher.
Ted: Are you the thrower-of-the-ball guy?

Cameron A. : UNT

Ted: Is it weird to think of women as bait? No, of course not.

Carson: Wow, it’s warm in here, we should all take our shirts off! Go ahead, everybody, start taking your shirts off!

Carson: holding a pool cue Show me how you stroke it. stands in front of a frat boy Now grab onto my stick.

Thom: Nothing really smells bad.
Ted: looking into the fridge That’s ’cause there’s nothing in here.

Kyan: Where’s the porn?

Thom: opening the fridge Ted! Oh my God, get out of there!
Ted: climbing out of the fridge Guess who’s coming to dinner.

Thom: You guys, come shower with us! Didn’t you ever want to shower with another man?

Thom: You wore this to poker night. I bet you didn’t poke ‘er.

Carson: If I was a pledgee and I came in here and saw this place I’d think it was a women’s correctional facility. And I’d so be running to the nearest fraternity that had comfortable leather furniture.

Thom: Remember this: Sorority girls love wood.

Carson: Everyone can style each other tonight and it’ll be really a lot of fun. Actually it’ll be like fantasy number three.

Thom: Oh my god, did we turn them into Sorority sisters?

Thom: I think Tyler’s become like the grooming guru.
Kyan: I think he’s become like, the Kyan-in-training.

Kyan: Look at them. They’re not worthy. That’s really cool.

Joe H. : Dallas

Ted about some leftover pizza: Is this part of a low-carb low-cal diet?
Penny: It’s not that old.
Ted: This is just aged. Bring in the carbon dater!

Thom finding a bra: This an “over-the-shoulder boulder holder,” as far as I’m concerned.

Thom: What happened on these chairs?
Penny: I honestly don’t know.
Ted: Was somebody murdered here?

Thom: And the fish… can we kill it? It looks like just a cesspool of filth.

Thom: This a coffee table. Do you like it?
Joe: Yeah.
Thom: You can put a lot of storage in there. Or if you want I can line it with glass and we can put the fish in there.

Ted about some fresh produce: Behold! This is what it looks like before they put it in the can.

Kyan: I’ve never had a haircut with a straight guy before.
Joe: Oh. I’ve never had a haircut with…
Kyan: …a gay guy before.
Joe: Right.
Kyan: So there you go.

Carson: Isn’t someone missing?
Thom pops out of the coffee table

Carson: Thank god you didn’t teach him to do origami.
Ted: Or surgery. Or baby massage.
All: Ohhh!

Ted: I hate that they have to waste time on the food!

Dad: I’ve been working with the federal government for the last 20 years.
Ted: That’s where you were. You’re a spy!

Scott B. : Dallas

Carson: The double-wing chair crib is sensational.

Ted: Not only is your sofa sticky, but you can smell it. Furniture shouldn’t have a smell.

Jai: I have a question. You really live here? This is not a joke?

Ted about the last occupants: So this deep fat fryer has their grease in it?
Scott: I’ll be damned. I didn’t know that was in there.

Scott: It’s a lot like equestrian figure skating.
Ted: I thank you for putting that in terms I can understand.

Kyan: The gays wear chaps too, but it’s a very different thing.

Scott seeing Carson in the coin pond: You know they’ve got laws against this.

Ray about the meat rub: As we like to say, we apply it like a Democrat: liberally.

Carson: Ted’s always trying to get strangers to rub his meat. It’s just ridiculous.

Ted: Beers, steers, and here’s the queers!

Carson: He’s also not wearing the shirt I told him to wear. He’s so dissing me right now!

Carson: Look, he’s braiding raffia!
Ted: He’s a regular florist.
Carson: He’s a raffia whisperer.
Ted: He’s eating the raffia.
Carson: Don’t eat the raffia!

Carson: I love Tinker and Bucky. I wanna move in with them.