Queer Eye

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Season One

Ayana: The vagina is leaving the building.
Thom: No, we still have Jai.

Andrew to Carson: Don’t put your finger in my mouth though. I know where that finger’s been.

Steve: These shoes aren’t going to make me gay?
Carson: bending over Steve to put on a shoe No, but this will.

Kevin: Gay guys rule!

Carson: Tucking is so last week.
Warren: Mother tuckers!

Lawson: Are you checking out my ass?
Mable: No.
Lawson: Why aren’t you?

Lawson: Let’s celebrate. Do you want to eat nude?

Thom: You didn’t like your flower-covered couch?
Mark: I didn’t like it.
Ted: We liked it even less.

Mark: Even I have an eye for that.

Ted: You should spring a pasta dinner on her.
Mark: And I think I can boil water.

Brandon on Thom and Kyan: These guys can wrestle!

Mom: What can I say? I have failed as mother.

How’s my hair?
It looks nice for once, actually.
Kyan: There was a compliment in there somewhere.

Twin about to read a poem: Please don’t throw fruit, we got all new stuff.

Twin: Two straight guys, writing that poem for five gay guys…

Jessica about the Rubiks cube in the bathroom: He actually can get two sides, but I don’t touch it because there’s fecal matter all over it.

David: You’ve earned my trust.
Thom: Are you serious or are you kidding?

Thom: I’m so glad that they totally understand that I’m a genius.

TJ pulls all the videotapes out of the TV cabinet
Thom: It’s called discipline people! Say no to the baby!
All smacking Jai: No! No! No!

Kyan: You had a beer in the shower?
Phil: Oh, like you haven’t.
Kyan pauses and then cracks up

Wayne’s Friend: Wayne’s apartment is dorm room meets blah.

Al: Max, let me ask you a question. Is it proper to… to…
Max: Eat with my fingers like I’m doing? No.

Ted about his fellow trashmen: Are these guys gonna bust your chops?
Al: They are going to break my balls.

Al about the steaming washcloth: Looks like your toe is smoking a cigarette.

Carson: On the Jumbotron it will say, “Will you marry me, Raquel?”
Brian: Rachel.
Carson: Yeah, I know, but in case she doesn’t say, “yes,” you can say, “No no no, that wasn’t me.”

Kyan: I usually try to avoid hair care products that smell like bubblegum.
Brian: Really?
Kyan: Yeah.

Darin: I usually end up cooking three different things. They’re all chicken dishes: Mushroom Chicken, Tangy Chicken and Chicken Delish.
Ted: Chicken Delish? What’s in Chicken Delish?
Darin: Mushroom soup, chicken soup, chicken and… cheese.
Ted awkward pause: Ooh.

Ted about the cheese: How do you feel about mold?
Darin: Sure. I guess.
Ted: Usually when we do this the mold is found in the straight guy’s house.

Hip Tips:
Ted: More tea, your Majesty?
Queen Elizabeth: Aren’t you the queen?

Michael: How am I gonna cook for 50 people? Am I a Navy shop or something?

Carson about the new look: Do you feel confident and sexy?
Michael: No.
Carson throwing the couture and storming out: I DON’T CARE!

Thom about the Turkish wrestling book: I’m thinking we can have one next to your bed, and one next to your toilet.
John: I think it would look better next to your bed and Carson’s toilet.

Ted: So if anybody asks—
John: It’s not because I’m a cheap bastard, it’s because I’m ahead of my time.
Ted: No. I mean you might be a cheap bastard, but it’s not because of this.
John: Fair enough.

Ted about the last occupants: So this deep fat fryer has their grease in it?
Scott: I’ll be damned. I didn’t know that was in there.

Scott: It’s a lot like equestrian figure skating.
Ted: I thank you for putting that in terms I can understand.

Scott seeing Carson in the coin pond: You know they’ve got laws against this.

Thom: Are these two washers and one dryer?
Paolo: That’s two dryers and one— actually two washers and one dryer.
Thom: You’ve definitely not done laundry before. He’s like, “Those are two microwaves, and this is the oven.”

Hector: They just broke the chandelier in there.
Ted: Is that bad?
Andrea: No. That’s great.
Hector: That guy Thom is like a walking disaster.

Ted: It’s not everyday that you cook with a hammer.
Patrick: And nails.

Kristen: Just to get my nerves under control, I’m gonna be bouncing out of this cake, right? There’s gonna be just, like, his friends around. There’s not gonna be over random people at this—?
Jai: No no. How many seats are there in the Garden?
Carson: I think Nassau Coliseum holds 50,000.

Kyan: Well what do you guys want to do? What’s your sort of idea?
Mikey: You know, a nice dinner—
Kyan: You know what? You’re bullshitting me. I’m gonna call you on it right now.
Ryan to Mikey: Be honest. Tell the truth!
Mikey: Strippers!
Ryan: Mikey, you can say midgets and farm animals. It’s alright.

Carson: You Bacon people are very young-looking. You’ve got good genes. On both sides.
Kevin: I’d love to tell you it’s clean living. But it’s not.
Mom: On both sides.

Lance trying to guess the card Carson is thinking of: The name of your card is “Bill”. I’m sorry, I’ve confused everyone. Tell them the name of your card.
Carson: American Express Gold card.

Max about the sofa: This is great too.
Thom: Isn’t it? And it’s comfy.
Max: We’re gonna have sex right here.
Carson grabbing Max: Okay.

Kyan: But wait a minute. Isn’t that a boy dog?
Max: Kitty works in drag. Kitty’s real name is Bruno.
Ted:   No dog’s gender identities were harmed in this production.

Thom: What about all this stuff on top? These stuffed animals?
Elaine: They’re sentimental.
Thom: They are? They’re sentimental? Like enough to be in the livingroom, not in the bedroom or guest room or the office or a closet or a box in the garage or storage out on the deck?

Thom sitting on Jeff’s lap: We’re trying to get you a date and here you are—
Jeff: I like older men.
Thom: Older! Oh my god! You’re in so much trouble.

Ted: Do you have any ideas what Thom’s going to be doing to your apartment?
Jeff: Well, I went to the store and picked out some pieces we’re going to put in there.
Jai: What kind of style is it?
Jeff: It’s exactly the kind of style I was looking for. One of my roommate’s had said to me privately, “I hope they make this place, like, really gay and throw a big rainbow flag up there.
Jai: We shoulda, just to f– just to mess with them.
Ted: Thom’s style is really masculine, oddly enough. Considering what a flamer he is.

Jeff: I think I’m literally going to faint, this so gorgeous.
Thom: Oh my god! You are gay.

Ted: You guys collect some strange things.
Anna Marie: I like frogs.
Ted: Oh my god, I just got a menu idea.

Thom: Is this the shared space for the both of you?
Miles: It’s the common room.
Carson: Yeah, it’s pretty common.

Ted: Can you make Carson butch?
Miles: I don’t know anybody that can make Carson butch.

Miles about his status at college: They changed my sex from female to not reported.
Carson: Talk about an undeclared major.

Peter Jr.: Did I put too much stuff in my hair? I gotta wash it.
Kyan: What the hell? You’re kidding me! You are kidding me. He’s washing his hair with some sort of hand soap in the sink while his family is downstairs waiting for him. This is a first.

Carson: Well hello. Are you Kathy?
Kathy: Yes I am.
Carson: Oh, come on in! Do you like to shoplift? They hate that here.

Thom: Do you eat this [Macaroni and Cheese]?
The Brother: I will. But the difference is that I’ll have one bowl. Todd will have two bowls and, like, sprinkle some, like, Ranch dressing in there and see what happens.
Jai cringing: Ugh!
Thom: So he’s more of a chef?

Carson: You’re like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music.
Hannah: Except I am three times as old!

Hannah: This is what a girl’s room should look like.
Thom: This is what a girl’s room should like.
Jai: No one knows a girl’s room like Thom.