Queer Eye

Ted Allen

2003.07.15    

Season One

Butch

Ted: Alright guys, have a good time at band camp.

Ted: He was working that room like a Kennedy!

Ted: Cheers, Queers!

Tom K.

Ted: I’m sensing kind of an alcohol situation here. And botulism.

John B.

Ted: Corned beef from Uruguay. Wow… who knew.

Ted breaks a Captain Morgan rum bottle.
Ted: Oh my god. Clean up in aisle four.

Andrew L.

Carson finds a videotape: This a cooking tape, it’s about girls who like to eat stuff. pops tape in
Ted: He’s doing all the eating!
Carson: I don’t think this is cooking.

John V.

Ayana: That’s a big pan o’ olive oil.
Ted: You know, you can get more.

Ted grabbing Jai to face the camera: Turn around, turn around, turn around.
Jai sheepish: I was eating their food.
Ted: What are you eating, Jai?
Jai: Eating their food.
Ted: And who does that food that belong to?
Jai: Them.
Ted: It belongs to John and Ayana.
Jai: It belongs to the straight people.

Ted: He appears to be doing it properly. That spoon’s gonna light on fire any second, but other than that…

John has a smear of lotion on his cheek
Carson: He might wanna rub that little bit in there.
Ted: It’s very There’s Something About Mary.
Carson: There’s something about John Verdi.

Ted: Dishwashing naked. That’s hot. I like to do electrician work naked, too.

John is making the man quiche and it is not going well
Ted: You know, he did a great job cooking it, but now he looks like he’s about to mangle it.
Boys are cringing at the disintegrating quiche
Ted: No wait, no wait. It actually—
Kyan: We have a situation.
Ted: No, let me explain— quiche breaks in half
Carson: No, it’s not okay.
Ted: It may not be okay.

Carson: She’s doing that dry-chew, can’t swallow thing.
Ted: Why does everyone do that when they eat my food?

George K.

Ted: I think he’s got a transgendered thing going.
Thom: He’s got a transtragic thing going.

Ted: Oo. Mushrooms in a can. Dee-licious!

Ted: One of the first illustrations that your refrigerator needs some adjustment is when your milk transitions from a liquid to a solid.

Ted: Nothing says like $500 worth of meat.

Josh D.

Ted: You know if you take some dried-up pepper and a beer. Cuisinart? pause I got nothing.

Ted: It looks as if you’re preparing for some unforeseen disaster in the future.
Josh:Well these are uncertain times.
Ted: I don’t know if they’re uncertain enough to eat salmon from can.

Ted: I hope he doesn’t rush too much shucking the oysters or he might shuck his hand off. That would be a shucking tragedy.

Tom M.

Ted: The theme in the kitchen appears to be: A bomb went off.

Ted holding up handcuffs: Are you involved in law enforcement or is this some kind of a kink thing?
Tom: Oh my god, where did you find those?
Ted: I think that answers my question.

Ted: I don’t know if I’d eat this man’s raw fish.
Carson: It’s all fun and games ’til someone gets SARS.

Alan C.

Carson gouges Ted with an Anna bottle opener that I have.
Carson: It’s not a deep wound. I used to be a nurse in the army.
Ted: It’s only a flesh wound!

Ted: Life is to short to drink cheap booze.

While talking to Alan about the cocktail party they want him to throw:
Ted: Well what you want to do is have your parents meet Katie’s parents. And you want to impress them. Well, they’d probably be less impressed with a keg than I would be.

JEFF T.

Ted: Look! I caught a fag!

picking up a windmill in the front yard
Ted: Here. Let’s put this in the neighbor’s yard.

Ted: They’re grilling fish wrapped in banana leaves.
Thom: How gay is that?
Ted: nodding That is so gay.

Steve S.

Ted: We made a girl shake. For the first time ever.

Ross M.

Ted: Give the man a moment. He’s garnishing for gods sake!

A Very Queer Eye Holiday

Ted giving a tip while sitting on a very sexy Santa’s lap: The fruitcake. A holiday tradition. But then so is sitting on laps in department stores. When you’re giving the gift of food, consider giving something people would actually want to eat. looks at Santa meaningfully

WHAT’S THAT SOUND: The Making of the Queer Eye Music Video

Ted singing: You came into my life, and my world never looked so bright. Something something something, something something something.
Thom: It’s better when she does it, somehow.

Carson: Freeze!
Ted: That was so Angie Dickinson.

Thom: We’re not gay.
Ted: Because we don’t date anyone.

Ralph S.

Ted: Jai, I think my pants just came unzipped. Can you help me out with that?

KEVIN D.

Ted: The last supper clock. Wow.

Warren L.

Ted: When you look at this color, what feeling does it evoke?
Thom: Must die now.

Ted: I’m so tempted to throw this [glass] across the room right now. But it would probably freak people out.

John Z.

Ted: And he’s already pounding the liquor. An athlete after my own heart.

Rob M.

Rob is walking around in a towel
Thom: What if that fell off, for god’s sake?
Ted: That’d be great.

Ted: Do you think he has a therapist? ‘Cause I can’t do that.

James M.

Ted and Carson move a couch toward the window
Carson: Are we really throwing it over?
Ted: Yeah.
Carson: Okay. Don’t throw like a girl.

Mark Fa.

Ted about Costco: They’ve got trampolines. They’ve got plastic TVs. They have tube socks… They have the greatest tube socks.

Ted: J-Ro! I’ve got a straight guy for you!

Lawson C.

Ted: Thirty’s an important time in your life. I’m looking forward to it.
Carson: Yeah. Me too.

Carson: Ted’s not wearing his glasses.
Ted: It’s true. I couldn’t see for the entire episode.
Carson: That’s why you were wearing that shirt.

Ted reassuring Lawson: By the way, I’m the nice one.

Carson: It was like $500 worth of clothes.
Ted: That was a lot of shoplifting for you.

Lawson steals Ted’s line
Ted: I think he stole my line.

Mark Fi.

Ted: You should spring a pasta dinner on her.
Mark: And I think I can boil water.

Season Two

Brandon & David B.

Ted: You’re almost out of milk and soda, but you got a full bottle of Penzoil!

Ted over Brandon’s shoulder: Safety meeting! Safety meeting!

Carson tosses a football and completely demolishes a light fixture
Carson: Mom always said don’t play ball in the house. I so didn’t mean to do that.
Ted: “When Gays Throw Footballs.”

Ted: It’s called a bottle opener people!
Kyan: Use it!
Ted: Widely available!

David G.

Ted: Siding from hell!

Michael C.

Ted: Cause with real plants you don’t have to dust them as much.

Ted: Oh my goodness! Power-play Love Pack
Amy starts laughing, completely mortified
Ted: It’s okay, Carson has one of these. But he has the power pack.

Ted: The good news is you’re preparing yourself for the retirement village.

Ted: Poor little baby. You know we’re used to having crybabies around, ’cause we have Jai.

Michael: You have to screw the thing into the hole.
Ted: Alright, now, Missy—
Carson: Don’t get fresh with me!

Ted waving around French bread: In your face, low-carb people! In your face! bites a huge hunk out of the bread.

Ted: We made a new drink!
Carson: The fruit cocktail!
Ted: In honor of Michael’s weird fruit addiction!

Ted: It looks like the Gong Show, doesn’t it?
Thom: It really does.

Ted: That was beautiful.
Carson: That was horrible.
Ted: Not from the music standpoint.
Carson: I didn’t have an ear-gasm.

Phil R.

Ted: This guy is 28 years old and he’s been married twice.
Thom Scooby Doo impression: Ruh Ro.

Jai: This would make a great country song, though.
Ted singing: I tore my leg and then you left me.

Jai with a Britney cut-out on his lap: No, uh, no I’ve never gotten married and annulled it in one day. But we do have a lot in common.
Ted: Oh, Jai.

Ted: They’ll let you keep car parts but you can’t have a cat?

Ted: We should bring back the cape. More people should wear capes, don’t you think?

Ted holding up a saw: Anybody got any unnecessary limbs?

Carson: Oh god Smell it!
Ted: Thanks, I’m trying to quit.
Carson: It smells like an old scab!

Ted: Well he got promoted to first grade. He made one promotion.

Ted: This is a salad spinner. flips the top up. And it’s happy to see you.

Queer Eye for the Gay Guy

Ted looking at a studded bracelet: This is for his wrist, right? Because… raises eyebrow you know…

Ted setting up a dunking bird dealie: Drink, you stupid bird! bird falls over. I don’t know how to work this bird. What does that say about me?

Ted: Man does not live by croutons alone.

Ted: You ate something green! Yay!

Ted: It involves no vegetables at all but fruit, a date. Are you willing to try a date?

Wayne looking in his drink: Where’s my cherry?
Ted: That’s really not something I can answer, Wayne.

Ted: That was referential tones. As he addressed the couture.

Wayne is completely over-obsessing
Ted: We should have given him a bong.

Ted: Cheers, queers!

John S.

Ted: Look! It’s like I’ve got a deck of meat cards. Deal me in some mad cow.

Thom handcuffs Jai to a lamp and Thom and Ted lose it.
Jai: What, you’ve never seen a guy attached to a lamp before?
Ted: Hey, Jai, could you come over here? We could lose some light over here.

Ted: So Thom, what do we get rid of? This is ugly.
Thom: Well, Ted, if we had to rid of everything that was ugly—
Ted and Thom in unison: You wouldn’t be here.

Ted: How much beer is in this?
Garret: Um, let’s see. That would be like 42 kegs.
Ted: Dude!

Carson: Tonight we’re playing poker, tonight we’re upping our Ante Mame.
Ted: Wait, did you pull a fashion bait-and-switch?
Carson: Yes, we did!

Ted: What do you think about dieting?
John: I don’t know. I’ve never thought of it.
Ted: Good. Me neither.

Ted: They’re kinda like the Fab Five in a way, only without the whole “sleeping-with-guys” thing.

John K.

Ted: What? I couldn’t hear you. I was in the OK Corral Saloon.

Ted: This looks like a doll that’s like a warning to people like Carson. “Stop tanning! Stop tanning!”

Ted: As a new bachelor you’re gonna need a good functioning mattress. Do you like it firm or do you like it soft?
John: What— what are you talking about?

Carson: Alright, soldier, no more tears.
Ted: Don’t let Carson bottle up your emotions.

Carson about the Rainbow Room: There are no rainbow flags. I don’t get it.
Ted: Yeah, I thought this was a gay bar.

Ted: Wait, play something stiff and uptight for us.

Chris L.

Ted: It’s like self-help refrigerator magnets. That’s just creeping me out.

Ted: Will it make her cry? I wanna make her cry!

Ted: Come on in guys. We pitched a tent!

Ted: Guys just don’t get to play with ribbons and hole-punches enough, don’t you think?

AL D.

Ted: Let me out! Help!

Ted: Al, is it weird to be 41 and collect kitty cats?

Ted: This a 41-year old guy with like, 41-year-old rosemary.

Ted about his fellow trash men: Are these guys gonna bust your chops?
They are going to break my balls.

Ted hanging off the front of a trash compactor: Onward… Trash men of the… world.
Al: You okay Ted?
Ted: Yeah, yeah. I always wanted to be a hood ornament.

Ted: He’s got ulterior votives.

Thom: He’s like, “I’m gonna take you on the grand tour.”
Ted: “Here’s the grand tour.”
They both rotate 360— in place.

Ted grabbing Carson’s other foot: Here, I’ll do your other one.
Carson: Oh god, I’m so flexible.

Ted: This is very Mafioso.
Carson: “I’m gonna hug ya, then whack ya.”

ARI V.

Ted: His girlfriend lives in London and he only sees her 4 times a year. You know what that means.
Carson: A lot of hand lotion.

Ted and Thom are screaming a plant
Ted: Grow! Grow!
Thom on the megaphone: You’re ugly!

Carson: You know what? We can either clean this place or sing show tunes!
Ted: Showtunes!

Michael Z.

Ted: So maybe we should take the soy burgers back to your buddies and don’t tell ’em what it is. And then they’ll kick your ass afterwards, but… it’s good!

Ted: Wait, did you just call a couch “cinnamon”?
Jai: Wow, you really have been hanging out with Thom.

Ted: I found something in your fridge that calls itself parmesan cheese and it’s *sniffle* in a plastic can! Michael grabs for it Wait, it’s too late. I already found it, man.

Ted: He hit a homo-run!

Sean M

Ted wooden utensil fighting with Kyan: You’re dead! I just stabbed you in the heart. Kyan starts combing his hair. Oh, thanks. I need that.

Ted vacuuming out a drawer: Wow this vacuum cleaner sucks. In that it doesn’t.

Kyan playing with numchucks: Look at me. I’m a regular martial arts master.
Ted: Kyan, you’re going to hit yourself on the head.
Kyan: I know.

Winston M.

Ted dressed in scuba gear: I’m going into the fridge!

Ted: Speaking of being brutally honest, I have to tell you, you’re insane.

John W.

Ted: When Carson gets back I’m gonna put him in a ten-step couture program. Then I’m gonna kill him.
Kyan: I’m gonna kill him first, you kill him second.
Thom: Easy, killers.
Jai: We can dress John Williams from New Jersey!
Ted: Alright, everybody do a flip. everyone does a Carson hair flip

Kyan and Ted are talking in Irish accents
Kyan: I remember growing up as a wee little kid in the father land.
Ted: Ay.
Kyan: Rushin’ down the hills. And I almost fell and busted me collarbone, I did.
Ted: Was that what turned ya queer, was it?
Kyan: That’s what turned me homo.

John: It was love at first sight.
Ted: Now when you felt like that, how many cocktails had you had?

Jai: Are you gonna hang, Ted?
Ted: I was gonna hang five or six or… however many I was able to hang.

THANKSGIVING

As Carson slowly pulls a knife out of the sink.
Ted: No! Carson, no!

A Very Queer Eye Christmas

Ted: Maybe one of you guys should volunteer not to eat.

Steve P.

Ted about the olive oil: Well you can always use an extra virgin.

Ted: I think we’re all set for olive oil.
Kyan: Extra virgin. That doesn’t apply to you.

RAY S.

Ted: Filicia, we’ve got some bad fashion in sector 12.
Thom: There’s no fashion in the kitchen, moron.
Ted: There is when I’m in the kitchen.

BRIAN M.

Ted: We’ve never made over the lord of darkness before.

Ted to a daughter: I know. Cover your eyes. Don’t look. That’s a parent’s undergarments.

Ted: …and Jai is going to top that with a little chipotle buffalo sauce.
Jai: As I’m known to do.

DARIN D. : LONDON

Ted holding six bottles of hot sauce: Look, Thom. I think hot sauce was on sale!

Ted peeking into a little closet under the stairs: Thom, look! I found Harry Potter’s room!

Darin: I usually end up cooking three different things. They’re all chicken dishes: Mushroom Chicken, Tangy Chicken and Chicken Delish.
Ted: Chicken Delish? What’s in Chicken Delish?
Darin: Mushroom soup, chicken soup, chicken and… cheese.
Ted awkward pause: Ooh.

Ted about a furry ottoman: This is kind of fun. It’s like Carson’s hair. Except soft. Not brittle.

Ted about the cheese: How do you feel about mold?
Darin: Sure. I guess.
Ted: Usually when we do this the mold is found in the straight guy’s house.

Ted about the cheese selections: You’ll recognize these guys. You might recognize the aroma. Smells like feet.

Ted: He’s packing the picnic—
Carson: He’s packin’ a nice basket

Thom: He has not written the clues out yet and she’s at the door.
Ted: He’s currently clueless.

Ted: This is the room where all the minty action happens.

Hip Tips:
Ted: More tea, your Majesty?
Queen Elizabeth: Aren’t you the queen?

BRUD L.

Ted: I think he’s trying to poison us, Jai.

As Thom walks around in a pseudo dynamite belt.
Ted: I don’t know if you should go outside in this.

Kyan: I can’t believe a straight guy just made his own facial mask.
Ted: And the leftover mask would make a great smoothie.

Ted: Even the bikers are tearing up!

Michael S.

Ted: Okay, these are bullets… for a gun.

Ted: So you have an assault rifle? Okay, I’ll be going now.

Ted: Could you discuss the philosophical differences between The Horse and say, American Iron? Which one has the most tits?

Thom: This is very, sorta like, Unabomber.
Ted: I know. We’re gonna attack in Sector Four.

Ted: It’s gonna be a bitch to carry that hummus on a motorcycle, I gotta say.

ALEX M.

Kyan: I feel so bad for him, because the brothers are identical twins and he’s fraternal.
Ted: I feel bad for the brothers because they’re named Aristotle and Socrates.

John D.

Ted: This was on the toilet. It should not be on the toilet. It should be in the toilet. throws banana And now it is.

Ted: This is possibly the straightest guy who ever lived.

Ted: Noooo! mock crying White Zinfandel…

Ted: Oh look! Light beer! Why do guys drink light beer? I guess because they want to drink 57 of them.

John about his physique: This is mostly beer.
Ted: Well party on, John.

Ted: So if anybody asks—
John: It’s not because I’m a cheap bastard, it’s because I’m ahead of my time.
Ted: No. I mean you might be a cheap bastard, but it’s not because of this.
John: Fair enough.

Emily takes a bite
Ted: Don’t you piss me off!

Thom: Notice he hasn’t introduced Emily to anybody. He’s smart. Smart man.
Ted: I think he’s figured out that Emily is a liability.

KORD S.

Ted as Carson attempts a ribbon routine: Mr. Kressley is going for the gold in rhythmic gymnastics.
Kord: Amazing presentation and dexterity.

Ted: This is a beautiful fabric. It’s actually made of an, um, outdoor picnic table tablecloth.

Butcher about the sausage casing: This is a hard casing.
Ted: They used to make condoms out of this stuff. But I don’t think they do that anymore.
Butcher: I had a feeling that was coming.

Ted: Nothing says “I love you” like sausage.

Ted: Hi, are you the pitcher?
Carson: No, I’m the catcher.
Ted: Are you the thrower-of-the-ball guy?

CAMERON A. : UNT

Ted: Is it weird to think of women as bait? No, of course not.

Thom: Nothing really smells bad.
Ted: looking into the fridge That’s ’cause there’s nothing in here.

JOE H. : Dallas

Ted about some leftover pizza: Is this part of a low-carb low-cal diet?
Penny: It’s not that old.
Ted: This is just aged. Bring in the carbon dater!

Thom: What happened on these chairs?
Penny: I honestly don’t know.
Ted: Was somebody murdered here?

Ted about some fresh produce: Behold! This is what it looks like before they put it in the can.

Carson: Thank god you didn’t teach him to do origami.
Ted: Or surgery. Or baby massage.
All: Ohhh!

Ted: I hate that they have to waste time on the food!

Dad: I’ve been working with the federal government for the last 20 years.
Ted: That’s where you were. You’re a spy!

Scott B. : Dallas

Ted: Not only is your sofa sticky, but you can smell it. Furniture shouldn’t have a smell.

Ted about the last occupants: So this deep fat fryer has their grease in it?
Scott: I’ll be damned. I didn’t know that was in there.

Scott: It’s a lot like equestrian figure skating.
Ted: I thank you for putting that in terms I can understand.

Ted: Beers, steers, and here’s the queers!

Carson: Look, he’s braiding raffia!
Ted: He’s a regular florist.
Carson: He’s a raffia whisperer.
Ted: He’s eating the raffia.
Carson: Don’t eat the raffia!

Season Three

Boston Red Sox

Player: And when I hold the ball I have to hold it with my fingernails.
Carson: In my line of work they get mad when you hold the ball with your fingernails.
Ted: I bet you guys never make ball jokes, do you.

Ted boxing up the donuts: We should really get some pink ones in there for the gay children.
Michelle: Yeah. Maybe two, ’cause there might be more than one.
Ted: Make it two, there might be two little gay kids.

Ted to the outfielders: Back up! It’s a baseball wife.

Ted: So Jason you flew all the way here in a helicopter to get your back waxed.
Thom: That’s really gay.

PAOLO P.

Ted as one toddler pushes another away from a toy car: Uh oh. There’s a carjacking in progress.

Ted: C’mon. Let’s go play with some stemware or something!

Jai taking a quarter out of the fountain: I don’t know why people throw good money away, They’re so—
Ted interrupting: Jai. Jai. Jai. Jai. That’s for charity. Jai, put the quarter back.
Jai: It’s for charity?
Ted: Yeah. Put the quarter back.

Ted feeding Paolo fruit: Here. I’ve never fed fruit to a large Italian man before.

Hector D.

Hector: They just broke the chandelier in there.
Ted: Is that bad?
Andrea: No. That’s great.
Hector: That guy Thom is like a walking disaster.

Ted: Get out of my— oh wait, it’s your kitchen. I’ll leave.

Ted on a bike: Exercise is hard. Seriously. takes a sip of champagne

Ted: He can actually gift wrap.
Kyan: You guys, they do a lot of gift wrapping in the Marines.
Carson: It’s part of their corps training.

Patrick M.

Ted about the bait: We already have fish. Let’s just eat these!

Dave: Now what we’re going to do is we’re going to scale the fish. We’re just gonna scrape it up nice.
Ted: So, Dave, would you say that you’re exfoliating the fish, basically?
Dave: If that’s what you want to call it, yes.

Ted: It’s not everyday that you cook with a hammer.
Patrick: And nails.

Carson to Ted: Oh don’t you look nice and cute.
Ted: And you look cute in suede.
Carson: Thank you. It’s the new beige.

Kyan: What is it with you and sea creatures?
Ted: I hate sea creatures.
Thom: If it swims in the ocean Ted wants to kill it.

Carson: They just did the straight guy hug.
Carson and Ted hug and—in unison: I’m not gay.

Ryan M.

Ted: Was this your idea? Chihuahuas are very butch.

Ted: Kyan, it’s like an antebellum Southern toilet paper cozy. Kyan attacks him with a random spray bottle

Carson: Here we are. I can’t wait.
Ted: There’s gonna be a lot of pink polka dots.

Moose Lodge

Ted: These guys just don’t get together and get drunk…they raise funds for children.
Thom:   They get drunk for a reason.
Ted: They’re drunks with heart.

Ted in the lodge’s red jacket: Congratulations. You’re Century 21’s top seller of the month for Dayton, Ohio.

Ted: Ever been waxed before?  It’s really fun, you’re gonna LOVE it.

Michael B.

Ted: Alright Carson. Get all those bacon jokes out of your system.
Carson: I am. I’m purging myself of all pork products.

Season Four

Max C.

Ted: You dip the dog in Kool Aid?
Joni: No. You put it in water and then wash him.
Ted: Ah. I thought he tasted good.

Ted:   Kyan, that’s worth like 87 thousand dollars.
Kyan:   It’s something simple and understated. Very much like me.

Ted: We’re gonna give you a deep fryer. Which you can use as part of a healthy diet.

Kyan: But wait a minute. Isn’t that a boy dog?
Max: Kitty works in drag. Kitty’s real name is Bruno.
Ted:   No dog’s gender identities were harmed in this production

Asher & Tsiliana

Ted:   Carson’s been arrested by Roman guards!
Carson: A funny thing happened on the way to the forum shops.

Asher: I think the recipe for our success is whatever is more important to the other one, the other one gives in. We compromise a lot. So if something’s really important to me and she’s not really into it, she’ll give in to make me happy and vice versa.
Ted: I wish my fucking boyfriend would do that.

ED M.

Ted: He looks like a professional dungeons and dragons player, not a professional poker player.

Random guy:  I’m workin’ on a straight.
Ted:   Jai’s often working on straights.

Jai: Two is a dealer’s ace.
Ted: What does that mean?
Jai: I don’t know.

Thom: Hey Ted. What do you think about these curtains?
Ted: Um, it looks like a really cheap wedding dress that exploded.
Thom to Elaine: Well he’s a real bitch. I was just going to say they weren’t that cool.

Ted:   There he is…
Kyan: Yay, Thom Filicia!
Ted:   Thom’s the only one who’s actually drinking already!

JEFF B.

Jeff: It’s exactly the kind of style I was looking for. One of my roommate’s had said to me privately, “I hope they make this place, like, really gay and throw a big rainbow flag up there.
Jai: We shoulda, just to f– just to mess with them.
Ted: Thom’s style is really masculine, oddly enough. Considering what a flamer he is.

Jai: All of us are very different. We don’t fit one specific stereotype.
Ted: Except for Carson.

JESAN

Ted to Tyson: Based on the color of your shirt and what you’re drinking you appear to be very secure in your masculinity.
Tyson: I really— I am.
Thom to Ted: Based on the color of your shirt and what you’re drinking you’re still in the closet.

Steve H.

Ted: Hey Kyan, look. The word of the day is legs. Spread the word.
Kyan: That’s terrible.
Ted: Did you ever go to junior high school?

Carson: Put the tramp in trampoline.
Ted: I think you’ve done that already.

Eric Z.

Ted about the backyard jousting: Does anybody ever tell you guys that this is kind of weird?

Ted: Look, Thom. It’s art from the Molly Hachet collection.

Carson: Ew. It’s a pig’s head. It’s a pig’s head made out of ground pork.
Ted: That wasn’t my idea.

Anna Marie & Michael G.

Ted: You guys collect some strange things.
Anna Marie: I like frogs.
Ted: Oh my god, I just got a menu idea.

Carson: She has no idea what’s happening.
Ted: And she doesn’t know that her husband is prancing around for our own personal enjoyment, either.

Justice of the Peace: It is a tradition here on our beautiful island of Bermuda to have witnesses—at least two witnesses.
Ted: And so we brought you Jimmy Buffet.
Carson: And Kato Kaelin.

MILES G.

Ted: It’s Vermont!
Carson: What’s the pink part? Is this where all the gay people live?

Ted: Can you make Carson butch?
Miles: I don’t know anybody that can make Carson butch.

Carson: Oh my god, they have to make more stuff?
Kyan: Ted!
Ted: Look, they just have to put the edamame in the bowls and then season them—
Carson: “I need you to engineer and build your own oven. And then I need you to make some homemade pasta for 300.”

Rotondo Family

Ted: My dad always took me to bars, but the track is good too.

Ted: about the Bush cutout: Oh my. What’s he doing here?
Carson: Let’s get him out of here. taking him out the front door There we go, a little body surfing. to the cutout Fix your tie, for god’s sake!

Ted about Kyan: You might be gay if you’re ironing your napkins.
Kyan: You might be.

Ted: He’s having trouble opening a bag of cheese. This doesn’t look good.

Eric S.

Thom: Let’s find a table for him to sit at. Look at this one. This is waterproof and breathable.
Ted: Which you really want in a table. I think this was supposed to be on a sweater or something, and some joker stuck it on a table.

Adam and Steve

Ted: Adam looks like he’s in prison now and wants to kill himself.

Ted: Thom is gonna learn how to make banana splits with the kids.
Really?
Thom: I said as long as there are chocolate sprinkles, I’m there.

TODD E.

Kyan: Look at this, Ted.
Ted: Let’s smell it. smells it. Regretting.
Kyan: Regretting. There’s a nice layer of carbon on it.

Ted: This doesn’t make me gay right?
Todd: Does this make me gay because I’m in the middle?
Carson: No. Your hair on the other hand is another story.

JIM M.

Ted: Thom knows something about closets.
Thom: I know a lot about closets.