Carson: This suit actually exploded on stage? It was probably God’s will.
Max about the sofa: This is great too.
Thom: Isn’t it? And it’s comfy.
Max: We’re gonna have sex right here.
Carson grabbing Max: Okay.
Carson: Does it get any better than this? First gowns and now shoes. Later I’ll dip you in chocolate.
Ted: He looks like a professional dungeons and dragons player, not a professional poker player.
Random guy: I’m working on a straight.
Ted: Jai’s often working on straights.
Kyan: This is very… apartment complex chic. Without the chic.
Thom: What about all this stuff on top? These stuffed animals?
Elaine: They’re sentimental.
Thom: They are? They’re sentimental? Like enough to be in the livingroom, not in the bedroom or guest room or the office or a closet or a box in the garage or storage out on the deck?
Thom: Hey Ted. What do you think about these curtains?
Ted: Um, it looks like a really cheap wedding dress that exploded.
Thom to Elaine: Well he’s a real bitch. I was just going to say they weren’t that cool.
Kyan when Ed talks with the interviewer: Oh, my God, is this story over yet?
Ted: There he is…
Kyan: Yay, Thom Filicia!
Ted: Thom’s the only one who’s actually drinking already!
Carson: You are suffering from the post-collegiate tee-shirt syndrome. PCTS. Not to be confused with post-traumatic stress disorder. Which I have after looking at this.
Carson yelling out the window: Hey! Are you single?
Thom: No. He’s just annoyed.
Thom sitting on Jeff’s lap: We’re trying to get you a date and here you are—
Jeff: I like older men.
Thom: Older! Oh my god! You’re in so much trouble.
Ted: Thom’s style is really masculine, oddly enough. Considering what a flamer he is.
After fitting into a t-shirt with Tyson Beckford
Carson: Fantasy #400: fulfilled.
Carson manipulating the girlfriend’s tattoo: Did you see her tattoo? Her skin art? I’m trying to make it wink but it just won’t do it.
Ted to Tyson: Based on the color of your shirt and what you’re drinking you appear to be very secure in your masculinity.
Tyson: I really— I am.
Thom to Ted: Based on the color of your shirt and what you’re drinking you’re still in the closet.
Thom: So you’re his squire. Now what would be under a squire?
Squire: His wife.
Ted about the backyard jousting: Does anybody ever tell you guys that this is kind of weird?
Ted: Look, Thom. It’s art from the Molly Hachet collection.
Ring Guy: There’s a lot of shaving and trimming that needs to be done.
Carson: Yeah, and not just on the ring.
Thom: Welcome to the Knights of the Round Coffee Table!
Thom about the heraldic pants: Unless he finds a witch and a wardrobe I don’t think he should wear that.
Carson about Tani’s reaction: “Oh my.” That’s another word for “I hate it.”
Thom: Ted and I went to a pre-gay course once. Ted got not-so-straight As.
Carson: You look like a gay bank robber. “Give us all of your sweaters!”
Carson: They’re very Woody Allen and Mia Farrow. Minus the Woody Allen part.
Kyan: We have handwriting like a woman, don’t we?
Ted: Can you make Carson butch?
Miles: I don’t know anybody that can make Carson butch.
Miles about his status at college: They changed my sex from female to not reported.
Carson: Talk about an undeclared major.
Kyan about the air bed: It needs a little air. My ass is touching the floor right now.
Ted: My dad always took me to bars, but the track is good too.
Thom: I took the plastic off. And I really believe that this material is like an outdoor fabric. I don’t think it’s going to stain it.
Everyone: Oh boy.
Thom pouring a little sauce on it: Just a little. trying to wipe it up Nope. It’s not stain resistant!
Ted about Kyan: You might be gay if you’re ironing your napkins.
Kyan: You might be.
Peter Jr.: Did I put too much stuff in my hair? I gotta wash it.
Kyan: What the hell? You’re kidding me! You are kidding me. He’s washing his hair with some sort of hand soap in the sink while his family is downstairs waiting for him. This is a first.
Thom: All I can say is that Peter Sr. did an amazing job at doing nothing.
Carson bearing gifts: We’re like the five Wise Men. But we’re gay.
Thom: None of this furniture is worthy of the amount of stairs you had to carry it up.
Thom: Let’s find a table for him to sit at. Look at this one. This is waterproof and breathable.
Ted: Which you really want in a table. I think this was supposed to be on a sweater or something, and some joker stuck it on a table.
Carson: Oh my god, your skin is the same color as bologna!
Ted: Adam looks like he’s in prison now and wants to kill himself.
Thom: Do you eat this [Macaroni and Cheese]?
The Brother: I will. But the difference is that I’ll have one bowl. Todd will have two bowls and, like, sprinkle some, like, Ranch dressing in there and see what happens.
Jai cringing: Ugh!
Thom: So he’s more of a chef?
Carson weighs in
Carson: No, I am not 172. Someone’s standing on the scale!
Carson about the display belts on faux grass: This is the belt shown in its natural habitat.