Queer Eye

Carson Kressley


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Season One


Carson Kressley: Look at you! Are you just the handyman or the victim?

Carson: You know, I was always the last kid picked in dodgeball. They were like, “Um, okay we’ll take Sharon. Now we’ll take the girl in the iron lung and… you guys get Carson.”

Butch: Would you like some soy sauce with that?
Carson: There was already some soy sauce in it.
All groaning: Oh, god!
Carson: Was it soy sauce or boy sauce? I can’t remember.

Carson: We’re not here to change you, we’re here to make you better.

Carson: I used to have hair just like yours. But I also used to be named Louise and I lived in Germany.

Butch: referring to his sleeves I like ’em straight.
Carson: I like ’em straight, too, but it usually doesn’t work.

Carson: This is a Hollywood tan. Right now he’s got a Dollywood tan.

Carson: Look at this! You put a living room where the crack den used to be!

Kyan: This guy’s kinda hot.
Carson: That guy is kinda hot. I think he just touched his ass.

Jai: Oh wait, there’s some announcement.
Carson: Or some Greek dancing.

Adam Z.

Carson: whispering I see straight people!

Carson: I said walk. Not… march like a weird little troll.

Tom K.

Carson after finding a pair of women’s underwear : I don’t remember ever getting drunk here.

Carson: I need a ritalin smoothie to remember all this.

Carson: Jesus Christ, superstar!

Carson upon seeing Lisa: There’s a hooker in Trenton who wants her boots back.

Lisa: I thought they would have made you into some corporate yuppie type.
Carson: Who are we? The five fags from IBM?

John B.

Carson: What is this, your ying and your yang? Can we see your ying and your yang?

Carson: When was all your furniture repossessed, then?
Thom: Were you robbed?
Carson: Do you have bad credit, or just bad taste?

Carson: Where’d you get this?
John: Um… Kmart.
Carson putting his hand over John’s mouth: Don’t use that kind of language around me.

Carson: You’re kind of like… not George Strait. George Gay.
Kyan Douglas nodding thoughtfully: I like that… George Gay.

Carson: If she doesn’t marry you, you get to marry one of the five of us. Isn’t that great? So it’s a win/win situation!

Carson looking at John’s sparkly shirt: Somewhere in Omaha there’s a rave missing a shirt.

John B.: People say I look like Keanu Reeves.
Kyan: Really? People say I look like Keanu Reeves.
Carson: People say I look like Ellen Degeneres!

Carson: What does Tina got that I don’t? Besides a working vagina?

Andrew L.

Carson: You don’t have a complete inventory of all your couture?

Carson: Oh look! My God. Just when I thought there was no more left in the universe.

Carson referring to Andrew: I heard he’s hung like a bee.

Carson finds a videotape: This a cooking tape, it’s about girls who like to eat stuff. pops tape in
Ted: He’s doing all the eating!
Carson: I don’t think this is cooking.

Carson: Look! It’s plaid droppings! You just marked your way in case you get lost.

Carson: For days and days I thought, “Who’s the homeless Guy.” And they’re like, “No he’s part of the crew.” And I thought, “Oh, I thought he was here to steal the camera.”

Andrew: So this spa, this isn’t like, a bathhouse, or anything, is it?
Kyan: No! You’ve got nothing to worry about.
Carson: There’s no sexual overtones. That’s extra.

Andrew: Did you put the gay on me?
Carson: Yep, I put the gay on you. In 24 hours you’re going to be buying flip-flops.

Carson: It takes a village, jackass.

Carson: Do you like this?
Andrew: Yeah, it looks like a pitcher shirt.
Carson: Pitcher. Are you a pitcher or a catcher?

Andrew: Do I look like Ben Affleck?
Carson: You look like Ben & Jerry Affleck.

Carson whispering to a shirt in a plastic case: Hold on! Mommy’s gonna send for help. You stay right there.

Carson is instructing Andrew on putting in contacts
Carson: You want to use a dry finger. Sometimes a dry finger is good. Hold it erect. If you need to use two fingers you can.

John V.

Carson: I love fried chicken, but Barry Sanders is dead!

Carson: You’ve got more terry in here than the West Village.

Carson to Ayana: Love you more than my luggage!

Carson: I could have fled the scene like, so many times by now.

Carson meeting Ayana: Hi, Peanut.
Ayana: Are we ready for our covert operation?
Carson: Your boyfriend’s been upstairs working my last gay nerve.

Carson: You look like a million dollars. Canadian dollars, but a million dollars.
Ted helpfully: It’s still a lot!

John has a smear of lotion on his cheek
Carson: He might wanna rub that little bit in there.
Ted: It’s very There’s Something About Mary.
Carson: There’s something about John Verdi.

John: Those also accent your boobages.
All: Boobages!
Carson: What a romantic! wipes tear from eye

Carson: He’s acting gayer than I am.

Carson: She’s doing that dry-chew, can’t swallow thing.
Ted: Why does everyone do that when they eat my food?

Carson: See in our community that’s frowned upon. When you have a big brown wad of something on your finger. “Let me… get rid of that.”

George K.

Carson: Now you’re in for a real workout. Shopping’s my cardio.

Carson: Here are some things I pulled when I was thinking of you. *leading George over to a table with magazine clippings on it* I pulled some other things while thinking about you but were not gonna get into that.

Seeing the made-over George
Carson: You took away Xena and you brought us a Baldwin!

Carson: How do you like that, I got the straight guy into the closet
Kyan: It was bound to happen sooner or later.
Thom: The tough part is getting him out of the closet.

A swan blocks the boy’s view of George in the shower
Carson: Those darn swans!

Jai: I don’t know if you’ve picking up on it, but the entire night her body language has been saying, “I am so into you.”
Carson: Ray Charles could pick up on it.

Josh D.

Carson: Did you see he has a 14-size shoe? You do the math.

Thom: You know what, we’re laying in a random guy’s bed.
Carson: I know. Feels like old times.

Carson: Tonight’s about Angie. Tomorrow can be about you and me, but tonight’s about Angie.

Carson: Point out the footwear, quick! No whammies, no whammies, no whammies, stop! Josh points. Wrong answer.

Carson: What’s the magic word is?
Josh: Please?
Carson: No… screams NOW!
Josh: NOW!

Carson cuddling with Josh and Kyan: Look it’s a manwich!
Kyan nodding: It’s a manwich.
Carson: More than a meal.

Carson: This is like a bad episode of Soul Train with really bad dancing white people.
Thom: No Soul Train.

Tom M.

Carson about the carpet stain: Let’s just try and shout it out. OUT! GET OUT!

Carson: We sold your children to pay for the furniture. I think you’ll find it’s a better investment in the long run.

Carson: What is that? Wasabi paste?
Ted: That’s a lot of wasabi.
Thom: The kids are going to love that.
Carson: That’s gonna shut the party down like a bad ferris wheel.

Ted: I don’t know if I’d eat this man’s raw fish.
Carson: It’s all fun and games ’til someone gets SARS.

Carson: You know why they call them board games? snore. Bored.

Tom: Let me tell you I’m going to have a sushi buffet. That’s the theme.
Carson: Sushi Buffet. That sounds like a drag queen.

Alan C.

Carson gouges Ted with a bottle opener.
Carson: It’s not a deep wound. I used to be a nurse in the army.
Ted: It’s only a flesh wound!

Thom: Has anyone seen the lighter fluid?
Carson: Oh, good idea.

Holding out a penny
Carson: C’mon it’s a penny. You could live on this for like a week.

Watching Alan pour Katie’s dad a drink.
Kyan: Oh my goodness. 2/3 gin, 1/3 tonic.
Ted: What’s wrong with that?
Carson: Mom’s going to be taking her top off any minute now.

Carson: Gin makes people happy.


Carson: You know, Richard’s so formal. Let’s just say we’re looking for Dick.

Thom’s looking for a lighter
Carson: Good idea! Let’s torch the place.

Carson: Okay, everybody’s keys in the bowl.

Carson: We had Saks together. Was it as good for you as it was for me?

Carson about the caterers: What a weird bunch of dinner guests. They all look like Dieter.

Steve S.

Steve: These shoes aren’t going to make me gay?
Carson bending over Steve to put on a shoe: No, but this will.

Carson: He left the security tag on. That’s a little too Winona Ryder for my liking.

Carson: Gothic girl needs to give the tie back.

Carson: First off you’ve got a mouth like a trucker. Second, you’re mean, and third, give him his clothes back!

Carson screaming: Don’t give the couture away!

Ross M.

Carson: I love the way he works the stick of butter. It’s kind of getting me heated up.

Carson: Rimming it does help it rise, I’ve found.

A Very Queer Eye Holiday

Tina: Everyone needs a junk drawer.
Carson: Yeah, but a junk wall?

on the video
Carson: Didn’t Thom say these squiggly mirrors needed to go?
John: Um…

Carson: Oh wow. That’s fiesta de salmonella!

WHAT’S THAT SOUND: The Making of the Queer Eye Music Video

Carson: Oh! We just ran over a pedestrian.

Carson: Freeze!
Ted: That was so Angie Dickinson.

Ralph S.

Carson with his head covered: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Drag Queen.

Carson: You always have to look your best, even at home, because you never know when a striking Jehovah’s Witness is going to come to your door.

Carson: Lions, and tigers, and bad taste, oh my!

Carson: You know how skin can get big… and then contract.

As they exit
Carson: Rock and roll!
Thom: Don’t kill anybody!
Kyan: Lay off the strippers!

Warren L.

Carson: Tucking is so last week.
Warren: Mother tuckers!

Carson: Put down the monkey and get ready!!

John Z.

Carson: Here’s a tip for you: when buying a velour tracksuit, stop.

Carson accidentally squirts ointment onto Ted’s shirt
Carson: I didn’t know I was so close.

Carson: They should just stay home and make sweet, sweet love.
Kyan: You know, they really should.

Rob M.

Rob is a phone engineer
Jai: Now does he climb the poles and stuff?
Carson: No, that’s our job.

Carson: When you’re bored and there’s nothing better you can do, there’s nothing like a potato.

Carson about Mildred: It’s a little bit like 101 dogs go to Africa.

James M.

Carson closing himself into a curio cabinet: Look! I’m a collectible!

Ted and Carson move a couch toward the window
Carson: Are we really throwing it over?
Ted: Yeah.
Carson: Okay. Don’t throw like a girl.

Carson: We’re stressy, we’re edgy. Like us running off to Belize together.

Carson: If I didn’t know you, I’d try to lure you to a wayside rest area.

Carson: Time is running out. My hair almost caught on fire.

Mark Fa.

Carson: You know, if you don’t have a male role model in your life, bad things can happen.
Thom: For example?
Carson: Poster Child!

Carson: Your clothes are in the basement?
Mark: Yeah.
Carson: That’s so Silence of the Lambs.

Carson about the sheets: It’s a full queen. Just like you, Thom!

Carson doing Hannibal Lechter voice: It’s lamb, Clarisse. It’s lamb.

Carson: I think she actually squeaked.

Carson: Those other two little Charlie’s Angels better shut their mouths, or they’ll ruin everything.

Carson: They’re like a white Destiny’s Child.

Lawson C.

Carson: Everyone needs to know that we made the pilot in 1979. That’s why we look so young.

Ted: Thirty’s an important time in your life. I’m looking forward to it.
Carson: Yeah. Me too.

Carson: Ted’s not wearing his glasses.
Ted: It’s true. I couldn’t see for the entire episode.
Carson: That’s why you were wearing that shirt.

Carson: I found it helpful when asking for wardrobe to just tell them we were making a mayonnaise commercial for the Russian Network.

Carson examining Lawson’s forehead: Oh my god. It’s a AMC Pacer!

Carson: It was like $500 worth of clothes.
Ted: That was a lot of shoplifting for you.

Carson: Let’s not worry about labels. I won’t call you a pervert if you won’t call me a big homo.

Carson: Doug knows I’m a big bisexual. Buy me something and I’ll be very sexual.

Carson: Just because you get your hair frosted doesn’t mean you’re gay. But if you frost someone else’s hair, that’s another story.

Carson: I think he put the wrong stuff… I think he put mouthwash in his hair.

Mark Fi.

Carson: Is his team on our team?

changing the thermostat temperature
Carson: Let’s see how you do with 69.

Mark is worried carson will throw his shirts into the fireplace
Carson: No! I would never. throws shirt into fire. Oops!

Carson: There’s no “I” in team.
Mark: No.
Carson: There is an “M” and an “E” though.

Jai: Let’s go someplace new and interesting.
Carson: Ooh. I thought you were going to Hooters or something.

Carson holding a whistle to Mark’s mouth: Now blow me.

Carson: Look at all of this wood. It’s definitely getting me in the mood.

Mark: I’m a very fuzzy guy.
Carson: You’re what my people call a cub.

Carson: Beers for queers!

Carson: Okay, take the sunglasses off because no one likes a blind coach.

Carson: What the hell is he talking about? This looks like new math.

Mark’s son blows the Tiffany’s whistle
Carson: That kid’s either gonna be a coach or a raver.

Carson: He’s gonna scald his berries.

Carson imitating the wife’s reaction: Those rascally gays moved our dining room.

Carson: Do your part for the environment. Plant a tree. In your shoe!

Season Two

Brandon & David B.

Carson: It’s like a chainletter, this shirt.

Carson tosses a football and completely demolishes a light fixture
Carson: Mom always said don’t play ball in the house. I so didn’t mean to do that.
Ted: “When Gays Throw Footballs.”

Carson being carried over a shoulder: Look! I’m in a half-Charles Nelson Reilly.

Carson: I have a minor dislocation in my shoulder.

Brandon: My mom thought my room was nice, for some reason.
Carson: She did? Did she have a German Shepherd and a cane, too?

Carson to the wrestler: I don’t want you to get beat up at the bus stop. rolls eyes.

Carson: Would you not wanna go home with these two? Or just one.

Carson: So I’ll put Papi on this one. And on this one I’ll put Chulo.

Carson: You need some socks to dry those tears.

Carson: Please, don’t wrestle while wearing couture.

Carson: He is going to fly off the spatula any minute!

Carson: Snaps for cleaning!

David G.

Carson: I think we should make him a little less geeky, a little more chic-y.

Carson: Oh my goodness. The hills are alive with the sound of bad footwear.

Carson: Oh my gaudy.

Carson: You’re the business partner. You’re the Dolce of Dolce and Gabana. You’re the Pra of Prada.

Carson: Love you more than my Luis. And that’s a lot. Trust me.

Michael C.

Carson about the crying baby: I think he’s afraid of your hair, actually.

Carson: I feel we’re in a pediatric office, actually… I feel like I should be reading Highlights magazine.

Carson: God, I’ve never felt so un-Caucasian.

All: …W, X, Y and Z.
Carson: God this is a long song.
All: Now I know my ABCs…
Carson: Oh wait, I know this part.

Michael: You have to screw the thing into the hole.
Ted: Alright, now, Missy—
Carson: Don’t get fresh with me!

Thom to Michael: I’m sorry, but as a Buddhist you probably shouldn’t be putting down other people.
Carson: Or calling them douches.

Carson: Not like Paula Abdul is there to critique you.

Thom: You’re looking cute there, Punkin.
Carson: He really is. Can I keep him? Please?

Ted: We made a new drink!
Carson: The fruit cocktail!
Ted: In honor of Michael’s weird fruit addiction!

Carson: He could not carry a tune in a Louie bag.

Carson: Everyone likes a nice basket. Even when it’s not Easter.

Ted: That was beautiful.
Carson: That was horrible.
Ted: Not from the music standpoint.
Carson: I didn’t have an ear-gasm.

Phil R.

Carson: These backdoor boys need to kick his Backstreet ass.

Carson about Phil’s necklace: Looks like someone’s been a very bad dog.

Carson drinking from a flask: Ooh, I think that’s a personal lubricant or something.

Carson: Oh god Smell it!
Ted: Thanks, I’m trying to quit.
Carson: It smells like an old scab!

Carson: This is like a Suzy Homemaker vacuum. It would take me hours.

Carson about his current wardrobe: You’re like the Puerto Rican Richard Simmons. It was weird.

Carson: Now I’m feeling it. Yo, what up dawg? pause. Why are you Puerto Rican and I’m darker?

Kyan: He just left all those beer bottles on the table.
Carson: And all the lights on. Doesn’t he realize our fossil fuels are dwindling?

Carson: She’s either still in love or wants to play Hide-the-Salami later. One or the other. Discuss.

Carson: You’ve got to get that ACLU thing taken care of.

Queer Eye for the Gay Guy

Carson running up five flights of stairs: We’re gonna have buns of steel by the time we get there!

Carson: You’ve got leopard bedding. How tribal.

Wayne looking through records: Madonna, Madonna, Madonna.
Carson: Okay, he’s gay!

Carson: This comic strip dude is hot. Why are these pages stuck together?

Carson holding up a shoe: Are you sleepy? pause Oh it’s just these shoes that are tired.

Carson: I have some terrible news for you, okay? Lesbians have come in, taken all of your clothing, and left nothing but fleece.

Carson: Every thing you have is too huge. I never thought I’d say that. “It’s too huge!”

Carson:The only thing that separates us from the heterosexuals is our ability to accessorize.

Carson: This shirt says martini. This shirt says cocktail lounge. This shirt says pickle smoker. pause In a good way.

Carson: I thought you’d like a little head in the bedroom.

Carson: Couture scream!

John S.

Thom: How quintessential straight guy is this? The poker game…
Carson: This guy is USG.
All: The ultimate straight guy!

Carson: I’m just glad they didn’t pave their front lawn.

Carson: These are some of the smallest condoms I’ve ever seen.

Carson: I’m not going anywhere. You can hug me all you want, but I’m staying.

Kyan: I am the genie. I grant you three wishes. No nose hair? I do it.
Carson: I want you to rub something.

Carson: Oh my god! There’s bleach in there!

Carson: So tell me about poker night. It’s like all the male bonding you want without going to Riker’s Island.

Carson: This isn’t beach bum, this is beach homeless.

Carson: I’m just in the closet.
Kyan: Oh, come out! Come out!

Carson: Tonight we’re playing poker, tonight we’re upping our Ante Mame.
Ted: Wait, did you pull a fashion bait-and-switch?
Carson: Yes, we did!

Carson: Men are pigs but I love pork!

Carson: He doesn’t need to wear the sunglasses indoors! He’s not Corey Hines!

Carson: That’s the hot one. Lean back all you want. I’ll be right over!

John K.

Carson: You don’t have to call me sir. You can call me ma’am or something.

Carson: You know what I love about Corel? Non-breakable! drops plate on floor. “I really shouldn’t be drinking and cooking.” drops another plate, which breaks. Apparently, when you bang the two together, all their magic powers go away.

Carson walking over the broken plates: John, look! I’m Annie Lennox! Walking on broken glass.

Carson: Every time a gay baby is born, a drag queen gets his wings!

Carson: Take the patron saint of retail with you.

Carson: Alright, soldier, no more tears.
Ted: Don’t let Carson bottle up your emotions.

Carson: Super-Gay powers activate in the form of: neckwear!

Carson about the Rainbow Room: There are no rainbow flags. I don’t get it.
Ted: Yeah, I thought this was a gay bar.

Chris L.

Carson: You can live in New Jersey but you can’t live in sin!

Carson: It’s like the Amish version of Sex in the Country.

Carson: You’re wearing brown now. I think that was a happy accident. Or that was.

Carson: Sometimes it’s so hard to find the hole.

Carson: I don’t want to put the ho in home wrecker.

Carson: We’re just in here playing with a girl’s best friend. It’s rock hard and shiny. It’s called diamonds.

Carson: And, by the way, he’s got a slammin’ body.

Carson: What more could a gal like me ask for?

Al D.

Carson: You know it’s really not very welcoming when your girlfriend is afraid to sit down and pee.

Carson: Let’s recycle this garbage man!

Carson: So let’s do some naked mud wrestling!

Carson: It’s like plastic surgery for your ass. But much cheaper.

Carson dropping in on the cheese and wine tasting: Are we praising to cheese-us?
Ted: We sure is.

Al: On the back it says “DSNY.”
Carson: Oh, that’s very Donna Karan!

Ted grabbing Carson’s other foot: Here, I’ll do your other one.
Carson: Oh god, I’m so flexible.

Ted: This is very mafioso.
Carson: “I’m gonna hug ya, then whack ya.”

Michael Z.

Carson: He needs to face his fears with these five queers.

Carson: We need to put some fine back in New York’s finest.

Carson: This is like pubic hair from Barney.

Carson: If Mike gets on a train in Albany at 2 pm, and Sally gets on a train in Atlanta at 5 pm, how long will it take Mike to realize this tie is the most ugliest thing I’ve seen in my whole life?

Carson: ‘Cause you need to look cute when you’re playing the game. You’re a role model!

Carson: Are we clear?
Michael: We’re clear.
Carson: Are you excited? embracing Michael. Do you want to kiss me? Of course you do!

Carson picking out a shirt and skirt: I’ll change into this little look and make some extra money along the way.

Carson: I want you to take the outfit to the game, so that when you walk out of the locker room, boom! You surprise Melly with the wedding dress.

Carson about the hot dogs: I’d like a hot weiner inside a tight bun.

Carson: Out! Wait. I’m out, he’s safe.

Kyan: Don’t share your noise hair trimmer!
Carson: What’s next? Sharing needles?

Sean M

Carson: When you wear that whole black thing you look like a Branch Davidian or something.

Carson: Enjoy your privacy. Carson peeks around the corner
Sean: No peeking, Carson.

Sean: You’re so much fun.
Carson; Oh, Sean. Wait ’til we start making out.

Carson about speed dating: It’s like bingo. But at the end you get laid.

Winston M.

Carson: Oh, just when I thought the plaid had ended!

Carson: He’s far too calm. Maybe I shouldn’t have given him all that lithium.


Ted: His girlfriend lives in London and he only sees her four times a year. You know what that means.
Carson: A lot of hand lotion.

Carson: It’s like a Jewish car alarm!

Carson: It’s a concert. I need a lighter!

Carson: Nothing like some maple syrup shots first thing in the morning.
Jai: Really gets you going.
Carson: You know what this needs? A pancake chaser.

Jai: Hey! Everybody! If you’re gay get in this room.
Carson: I’m not gay. I’m questioning!

Carson: You know what? We can either clean this place or sing show tunes!
Ted: Showtunes!

Carson: Let’s do a little couture tour here.


As Carson slowly pulls a knife out of the sink
Ted: No! Carson, no!

A Very Queer Eye Christmas

Carson: They’re definitely one Brady short of a bunch!

Carson: Oh my god, who saw Annie? Oh, my god, who saw Oliver? Oh my god, who saw Valley of the Dolls? Me!

Steve P.

Carson: That bunny turned out to be a shark!

Carson: They’re playing “my divorce sucks more than your divorce.”

Carson: Let’s play Steven and Stella get their grooves back.

Carson petting Stella’s tail: This seems… strangely familiar…

Carson to a Lassie look-alike: What is it, girl? Are last season’s shoes in here?

Carson: So, why doesn’t he say, “Just donate them to charity?” Those people have enough problems, okay?


Carson: You should get that thing so that babies don’t stick thing in electrical outlets. My parents never got those.

Carson: Oo, I’m getting an apartment complex!

Ray: It’s not a very good laptop.
Carson: No, it’s like an Etch-a-Sketch!


Carson: From playing the field to sealing the deal. We should get pom-poms, too.

Carson: Here’s the plaid collection. All alphabetized. Heinous, more heinous, and super-heinous.

Carson: You just want to keep around a pair of old socks because if you start to fall asleep—sniffs socks—it wakes you right up.

Carson: On the Jumbotron it will say, “Will you marry me, Raquel?”
Brian: Rachel.
Carson: Yeah, I know, but in case she doesn’t say, “yes,” you can say, “No no no, that wasn’t me.”

Carson: You’re giving me Ryan O’Neill in Love Story right now. Do I look a little like Allie McGraw?

Carson about the meat thermometer: It’s going to beep and vibrate when it’s getting close? Are you kidding me? Where do I get this?


Carson: Let’s start spending it like Beckham!

Carson: In the words of Joey Lawrence, “Woah!”

Thom: Why did you mess the bed up?
Jai: Because he had to make it for Julie. He learned how to make hospital corners.
Carson: That’s a mental-hospital corner.

Carson: I thought if he answered the door only in high-heeled shoes and a smile, it’d be a really memorable afternoon.

Ted: He’s packing the picnic—
Carson: He’s packin’ a nice basket.


Carson: He kinda has a hee haw-chic thing going on.

Carson: Our people have been here, Brud. They’ve left Fairy Dust everywhere.

Carson: It’s Hanson and Charles Manson.

Carson: Reaffirmation to your commitment to one another. That sounds so gay.

Michael S.

Carson: Look, it’s sprockets. would you like to touch my monkey?

Carson: This guy obviously thinks that black is the new black.

Carson to Michael: You feel like a jackass? Maybe it’s because you are a jackass.

Carson about the new decor: Do you like it Mikey? He likes it! He really likes it!

Carson about the new look: Do you feel confident and sexy?
Michael: No.
Carson throwing the couture and storming out: I DON’T CARE!

Carson: I can’t wait to see some hot biker action!

Kyan: Don’t laugh and point! Embrace!
Carson: Oh, I’d like to embrace him!

Carson: They’re agog!


Thom: He has no connections at all.
Carson: He’s going to have to sleep with someone important.
Thom: Immediately! If not sooner.

Carson: It’s very Transformer. I’m going to show you the power of accessories to transform.

Carson: When you go for casting you can’t be like that. You have to own the world. Even if you have to charge it.

Carson: You look like a million Drachmas.

Carson: It’s hot Thespian-on-Thespian action!

Carson: He is sweating like a whore in church.
Thom: Is he sweating or is he crying?

John D.

Kyan: How much can you know from a person through a webcam?
Carson: Actually…

Carson about the Hawaiian shirt: Exhibit UGLY, okay?

Carson: Let’s have a three-martini playdate. C’mon!

The Boss: Not bad.
Carson: Not bad?
The Boss: Coming from my age group, not bad.
Carson: Okay, lay off the hot dogs and let us know in a week.


Jai: Marina and Kord.
Carson: That’s very Port Charles.

Carson: It’s like a sporting goods store threw up in your closet.

Carson: She’s getting all Paris Hilton on us: “That’s hot.”

Ted: Hi, are you the pitcher?
Carson: No, I’m the catcher.
Ted: Are you the thrower-of-the-ball guy?


Carson: Wow, it’s warm in here, we should all take our shirts off! Go ahead, everybody, start taking your shirts off!

Carson: holding a pool cue Show me how you stroke it. stands in front of a frat boy Now grab onto my stick.

Carson: If I was a pledgee and I came in here and saw this place I’d think it was a women’s correctional facility. And I’d so be running to the nearest fraternity that had comfortable leather furniture.

Carson: Everyone can style each other tonight and it’ll be really a lot of fun. Actually it’ll be like fantasy number three.

JOE H. : Dallas

Carson: Isn’t someone missing?
Thom pops out of the coffee table

Carson: Thank god you didn’t teach him to do origami.
Ted: Or surgery. Or baby massage.
All: Ohhh!

SCOTT B. : Dallas

Carson: The double-wing chair crib is sensational.

Carson: Ted’s always trying to get strangers to rub his meat. It’s just ridiculous.

Carson: He’s also not wearing the shirt I told him to wear. He’s so dissing me right now!

Carson: Look, he’s braiding raffia!
Ted: He’s a regular florist.
Carson: He’s a raffia whisperer.
Ted: He’s eating the raffia.
Carson: Don’t eat the raffia!

Carson: I love Tinker and Bucky. I wanna move in with them.

Season Three

Boston Red Sox

Player: And when I hold the ball I have to hold it with my fingernails.
Carson: In my line of work they get mad when you hold the ball with your fingernails.
Ted: I bet you guys never make ball jokes, do you?

Carson surveying the damage to the concession stand: The bathroom. That’s crucial! You need a place to fix your hair.

Carson: This is a little “We’re not in Kansas anymore.”

Carson passing out new equipment to the little leaguers: Bueller! Bueller!

Carson: Oh my gosh. Am I the Size Whisperer? Perfect fit!

Carson: If you bedazzle it, they will come.

Carson as Damon walks onto the field: And we’re moonwalking, we’re moonwalking…

Carson: Do we know what the signals are?
Kids: No!
Carson: One tzujz: we bunt. Second tzujz: we steal. A flip of the hair: is just me fixing my hair. Disregard it!


Carson putting on a smock: Oh look. I look like a gay dentist.

Carson: We gotta smock and roll.

Carson about the chimes: You are now a frog.

Hector D.

Carson: I think Pilar might have a problem with the Home Shopping Network.

Carson: I think this porcelain hobo is masturbating.

Carson to Andrea: Kiss him goodbye. We’re gonna miss you like carbs.

Carson about shoe shopping: All of the sudden I feel like Al Bundy or something.

Carson on the new shoes: It’s like Christmas! But without all the liquor!

Ted: He can actually gift wrap.
Kyan: You guys, they do a lot of gift wrapping in the Marines.
Carson: It’s part of their corps training.

Carson: You know what, if you drop all your Rs you’ll sound like you’re from Long Island. Spectaculah!

Patrick M.

Carson: What’s your husband’s name? I don’t know, what is it? Is it Dick? I thought so!
Sheila: I can’t say it!
Carson: You can say it!
Kyan: It’s like Richard.
Carson: He’s your Dick.
Sheila: He’s my Dick.
Carson: See! Didn’t that feel good?

Sheila: I learned my Italian cooking from the men on Coney Island.
Carson: Wait ’til you hear what I learned from the men on Coney Island.

Carson carrying an antiquated monitor: He has really got to get a new laptop. This thing is so heavy.

Carson measuring Patrick: Last—and my favorite—is the inseam. Here, let me!

Carson to Ted: Oh don’t you look nice and cute.
Ted: And you look cute in suede.
Carson: Thank you. It’s the new beige.

Carson: They just did the straight guy hug.
Carson and Ted hug and—in unison: I’m not gay.

Ryan M.

Carson: Now Kristen’s gonna be involved but at least she won’t be there, so you know, what happens on your lap stays on your lap.

Kristen: Just to get my nerves under control, I’m gonna be bouncing out of this cake, right? There’s gonna be just, like, his friends around. There’s not gonna be random people at this—?
Jai: No no. How many seats are there in the Garden?
Carson: I think Nassau Coliseum holds 50,000.

Carson: Before we get started, please hold my package. And open it.

Carson: They’re like a whole bunch of Lizas.

Carson: It’s like a drunken Blair Witch Project.
Kyan: I’m exhausted watching this.
Carson: Okay, these are firemen and they can’t find their way around.
Jai: This is very, like, drunken Amazing Race.

Moose Lodge

Carson: I’m gonna try and get new members. sticks his head outside Hey! They’ve got a bar in here.

Michael B.

Carson: You Bacon people are very young-looking. You’ve got good genes. On both sides.
Kevin: I’d love to tell you it’s clean living. But it’s not.
Mom: On both sides.

Michael: Now one thing, it’s very moving to me that you valued our art. I get the feeling that if I walked into this place, that this is somebody who really cares about these paintings. Because it’s true.
Carson: Now don’t be mad at us. These are actually color Xeroxes. We sold the originals.
Thom: To pay for this.

Thom: Remember the pitiful stereo that he had?
Carson: Oh, their Walkperson?
Thom: Their Walkperson, yeah.

Ted: Alright Carson. Get all those bacon jokes out of your system.
Carson: I am. I’m purging myself of all pork products.

Carson: Actually that’s not even a meat grinder. That’s a carburetor from a ’56 Impala.

Carson: She’s been putting up with the gays all day. She needs a drink.

Season Four

Max C.

Carson: This suit actually exploded on stage? It was probably God’s will.

Lance trying to guess the card Carson is thinking of: The name of your card is “Bill”. I’m sorry, I’ve confused everyone. Tell them the name of your card.
Carson: American Express Gold card.

Max about the sofa: This is great too.
Thom: Isn’t it? And it’s comfy.
Max: We’re gonna have sex right here.
Carson grabbing Max: Okay.

Carson: Thom, this kitchen is just so 50s cool, I just want to drink a lot and bake cakes.

Carson about the dog with the cone: Aw! He’s hearing voices again.

Carson: She said she sucks—
Kyan: I told her to never say that again.
Carson: —which is not always a bad thing.

Asher & Tsiliana

Thom: These are total Vegas outfits.
Carson: Do I look like Liberace threw up on me?
Thom: The jacket looks like the interior of an old Studebaker.

Ted: Carson’s been arrested by Roman guards!
Carson: A funny thing happened on the way to the forum shops.

Carson: Calm down. Don’t make me give you a roofie.

Carson: Does it get any better than this? First gowns and now shoes. Later I’ll dip you in chocolate.

Carson: Behold the hard wood suite!

Thom: This is like your bachelor party… unfortunately, it’s with five gay guys.
Carson: And we have a donkey.


Jai: Oh, my god, there’s mermaids.
Carson: It’s like ‘Finding Nemo’


Carson: All we have to do is sexually reorient you.
Rich: No, that’s okay.

Carson: You are suffering from the post-collegiate t-shirt syndrome. PCTS. Not to be confused with post-traumatic stress disorder. Which I have after looking at this.

Carson yelling out the window: Hey! Are you single?
Thom: No. He’s just annoyed.


After fitting into a t-shirt with Tyson Beckford
Carson: Fantasy 400: fulfilled.

Carson manipulating the girlfriend’s tattoo: Did you see her tattoo? Her skin art? I’m trying to make it wink but it just won’t do it.

Jesan gets his sunglasses stuck in his hair
Kyan: You and your damn eyewear, Carson!
Carson: No, it’s your hair! You got your hair in my eyewear!
Kyan: You got your eyewear in my hair!

Steve H.

Carson: He was in a drug-induced coma for six weeks. That sounds familiar.

Carson: I want to ride on a fireman. I mean fire truck.
Thom: You mean fireman.
Carson: I mean fireman.

Carson to the daughters: All this space for entertaining and no parties? You know what, they need to go on more trips out of town. With you left here unattended.

Carson about Kyan: Look, I found a little gay Yoda.

Carson: Put the tramp in trampoline.
Ted: I think you’ve done that already.

Eric Z.

Ring Guy: There’s a lot of shaving and trimming that needs to be done.
Carson: Yeah, and not just on the ring.

Carson: Is this something you’d wear to work?
Eric: I don’t think I’d wear the pants to work.
Carson: Really? Why not?
Eric: They’re a little too loud for my office.
Carson: D’you think?
Kyan: I.E. gay.
Carson: I don’t think they’re loud. I think they’re subtle.
Kyan: Carson, I have a question for you. Are you loud or are you subtle?
Carson: I’m expressive.
Kyan: Those pants are expressive.

Carson: That’s not supposed to be buttoned up like that. He looks like a gay matador.

Carson about Tani’s reaction: “Oh my.” That’s another word for “I hate it.”

Carson: Ew. It’s a pig’s head. It’s a pig’s head made out of ground pork.
Ted: That wasn’t my idea.

Anna Marie & Michael G.

Carson: Oh boy. I have all these gay men offering me fudge pops.

Carson: You look like a gay bank robber. “Give us all of your sweaters!”

Carson: They’re very Woody Allen and Mia Farrow. Minus the Woody Allen part.

Carson: I always get the people I really like better outfits.
Thom: You do.
Carson: I was like, “I like them. Let’s go with Chanel.”

Carson: The sunglasses ruin the whole look. He looks like a bug.

Justice of the Peace: It is a tradition here on our beautiful island of Bermuda to have witnesses—at least two witnesses.
Ted: And so we brought you Jimmy Buffet.
Carson: And Kato Kaelin.


Ted: It’s Vermont!
Carson: What’s the pink part? Is this where all the gay people live?

Thom: Is this the shared space for the both of you?
Miles: It’s the common room.
Carson: Yeah, it’s pretty common.

Miles about his status at college: They changed my sex from female to not reported.
Carson: Talk about an undeclared major.

Carson: Jeans are like the UPS man. They should always give you a nice package.

Carson: Oh my god, they have to make more stuff?
Kyan: Ted!
Ted: Look, they just have to put the edamame in the bowls and then season them—
Carson: “I need you to engineer and build your own oven. And then I need you to make some homemade pasta for 300.”

Rotondo Family

Jai: Hey, we get to do three guys!
Everyone: Hey!
Carson: Our first three-way!
Kyan: Well, I don’t know about first.
Carson: Well there was that one time on Fire Island.

Ted: about the Bush cutout: Oh my. What’s he doing here?
Carson: Let’s get him out of here. taking him out the front door There we go, a little body surfing. to the cutout Fix your tie, for god’s sake!

Kyan: Now what’s he doing to the closet?
Carson: Ruining it.

Khadijah & Eric

Carson: We better call Kate Moss on this one, people.
Thom: What would Kate do?
Carson: What would Kate do?
Thom: What would Kate do that’s legal?

Carson bearing gifts: We’re like the five Wise Men. But we’re gay.

Carson: This is very Legally Blonde 2.

Eric S.

Carson: Well hello. Are you Kathy?
Kathy: Yes I am.
Carson: Oh, come on in! Do you like to shoplift? They hate that here.

Carson: Oh and the pink pants!
Mom: I don’t think so.
Carson: For me.
Mom: For you.

Eric S.

Thom: None of this furniture is worthy of the amount of stairs you had to carry it up.

Carson: Well hello. Are you Kathy?
Kathy: Yes I am.
Carson: Oh, come on in! Do you like to shoplift? They hate that here.

Thom: Let’s find a table for him to sit at. Look at this one. This is waterproof and breathable.
Ted: Which you really want in a table. I think this was supposed to be on a sweater or something, and some joker stuck it on a table.

Carson: Oh and the pink pants!
Mom: I don’t think so.
Carson: For me.
Mom: For you.

Adam and Steve

Carson: This looks like an Elizabeth Arden Autobody. Behind the Red Door.

Carson: Oh my god, your skin is the same color as bologna!

Carson: Don’t we need fanciful team names?
Ref: You guys are the Blue Balls.
Kyan: We’re the Golden Showers.
Carson: Perfect!


Ted: This doesn’t make me gay right?
Todd: Does this make me gay because I’m in the middle?
Carson: No. Your hair on the other hand is another story.

Carson weighs in
Carson: No, I am not 172. Someone’s standing on the scale!
Thom’s standing on the scale

Carson to an onlooker: Do you come here often?
The Girl confused: Um… no.
Carson: Yeah, me neither.


Carson: Wait, you scream and I’ll open my mouth.
The daughter screams as Carson pretends to

Carson: You’re like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music.
Hannah: Except I am three times as old!

Carson about the display belts on faux grass: This is the belt shown in its natural habitat.

Carson: Oh he’s dressed like a sailor! That’s cruel.
Kyan: That little chihuahua’s gonna have issues.

Season Five


Susan Lucci: I would not like to be in your shoes, Fab Five.
Carson: I’d like to be in your shoes. They’re amazing!

Carson: It wouldn’t be a pageant if there wasn’t blood.

I’m pretty sure we turned him gay.
His wife is in the front row. I’m pretty sure we didn’t.

Kyan: That was actually a tzujz.
Carson: That was a moving tzujz.

Carson: Slip into something more heterosexual!
Thom: I’m feeling more straight already. What up, ho?

Thom: Who picked out these plastic dice?
Carson: I think they’re playful and ironic!

Married with Cancer Wife: I’m feeling love from my girl in the front row over there.
Carson: Thank you! But I’m over here.


Thom: Carson, she looks like Patsy Cline.
Carson: It’s very Peggy Sue Went Bowling.