Tobias “Toby” Beecher


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Ryan: Hey, Law-Boy. I thought Schillinger said you couldn’t get high anymore.
Beecher: Yeah. Fuck him.

Judge Grace Lema: Mr. Beecher, I appreciate your taking the time to see me.
Beecher: Well, you know, it’s a nice break from getting fucked up the ass.

Keller gets released from the hole
Beecher: Chris. At last. Give me a kiss.
Keller: You’re drunk.
Beecher: You bet your ass I am. Did you miss me? Christ, I missed you. Come on, let’s fuck.

Beecher: I bit the tip off a guy’s penis.
Case: So I heard.
Beecher: You’re not afraid?
Case: Well, I’ve got my pants on.

Beecher: Whatcha reading? Mein Kampf? I’ll tell you how it ends. The Aryans get their ass kicked.

Beecher: Don’t be mad.
Keller: I’m not mad.
Beecher: Yeah, you are.
Keller: No, it was a stupid idea. I just didn’t think things through. That’s my problem. I don’t think anything all of the fucking way through.
Beecher: I hate it when you’re self-deprecating. It’s so cute.

Nathan: You need to cut those fingernails.
Beecher: I will. As soon as I get back to my pod.

Keller: Look, what I did was wrong. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to prove to you that I’m truly sorry. And I do love you.
Beecher: How about I fuck you in the ass?

Beecher: How stupid do you think I am? You let me break your legs… and then you snitch on me.
Keller: I won’t. I swear.
Beecher: Swear. Promise. Take an oath, make a vow. Then go fuck yourself.

Beecher: Never considered that, huh? That it could’ve been me, standing in the dark in that storage room, watching you stack copying paper. And then: boom. Boom, baby!
Keller: Toby, was it you?
Beecher: No. But for a second, you believed it could have been. It could have been good ol’ Toby.
Keller: You didn’t kill Metzger.
Beecher: Nah. How could a little pussy bitch like me hurt anyone?
Keller: Beecher, if you weren’t in the storage room, how did you know I was shelving copy paper?
Beecher: Hmm… I dunno. Shit, maybe it was me.

Beecher: I wouldn’t mind a four way with Nooter and Pecky.
Ryan: What?

Beecher: Tsk, tsk, tsk… Vern, you need to adjust your attitude. If not, I got no reason to keep being the good friend to you that I am.
Schillinger: Good friend?
Beecher: Yeah. If not for what I have done, then for what I haven’t.
Schillinger: What’s that?
Beecher: I haven’t fucked him. At least not yet. You see, because I was there for Andrew when he needed someone, holding him—comforting him—I think he’s developed a little bit of a crush on me. I have been tempted to at least deep tongue him a couple times, but I knew that would upset you so I haven’t. Even though he wants me to stick my dick up his ass. And I’m afraid one of these nights, he and I alone in our pod, I’m not gonna be able to control myself.
Schillinger: You’ll be dead before you get the chance.
Beecher: Well, you better hurry. Keller’s getting horny and O’Reily’s been talking about a three-way with Cyril and Andy.

Beecher: When are you gonna figure it out? You and me. We’re never gonna happen.
Keller: You love me, Toby.
Beecher: standing up Fuck my ass.

Keller: I love you.
Beecher: I love you.
Keller: Kiss me.
Beecher walking away: Asalam Aleikum.

Beecher: Keller. I just asked McManus to let you be my roommate again.

Said: Don’t hate yourself.
Beecher: Why not? My son is dead because of me. My daughter’s a mess because of me. And Keller… Keller doesn’t love me. But I tried this new detergent, it really seems to get the whites clean.

Beecher: I didn’t kill Shemin.
Adebisi: Yeah, but you fucked him, though.
Beecher: Once. He was lousy. Browne slams Beecher’s head down So were you, Mondo. Browne slams his head again.

Keller: Well I see you fucking all these other guys.
Beecher: You said you didn’t care who I fucked.
Keller: Well I do. I do, okay?

Keller: You should take care of where you stick your dick. That baby is lethal.
Beecher: You know, I liked it better when we weren’t speaking.

Logan: All these incidents involved two other prisoners, Christopher Keller and Vernon Schillinger. Tell me about your relationship with them.
Beecher: We sing in the choir together.

Edward Gallson: As long as we understand each other. Fucking faggots are ruining the military. “Don’t ask, don’t tell,” my ass.
Beecher: I agree. You know, I think the military should stay the way it’s always been—a bunch of redneck he-men who murder children and rape women.
Gallson: You making a joke of me?
Beecher: Seems like you’re doing a pretty good job all on your own.

Beecher: Imagine that. Said, Schillinger, and me in a three-way.

Beecher: I haven’t seen him in months. I’m a little anxious. How do I look?
Rebadow: Anxious.
Beecher: I was hoping you were going to say fuckable.

Said: May I remind you of your promise to yourself never to speak to Keller again?
Beecher: Yeah. Well the great thing about breaking a promise to yourself is that only one person gets hurt. And I can live with my guilt a shitload easier than I can live without ever seeing Keller again.

Keller: I couldn’t face living the rest of my life in here without you. Don’t you see? I did what I did out of love.
Beecher: I loved alcohol. I loved heroin. But I had to put them behind me because they were poison. Death. You… are death.