Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Richard: This is about sex!
Molly: This is about romance.
Richard: This is about you’re fired.

Owen: Where is my roommate and what have you done with him?
Roommate: Beatrice, my girlfriend from high school, is coming into town and she’s gonna be staying here—
Owen: I’m sorry. Here? As in our very tiny little dorm room?
Roommate: Just close your eyes. And… ears.
Owen: Are you high?
Roommate: Or just think of us as a live action porno.
Owen: I’m outta here.

Richard: Hey Zoe, you seen Cynthia?
Zoe: Our new financial reporter?
Richard: I made a mistake.
Zoe: She can’t add?
Richard: Can’t add, can’t write.
Zoe: Then why’d you hire her? {she gets a look from Richard.} Oh.
Richard: Yeah, but she and I agreed to stop sleeping together when she started writing for the paper.
Zoe: So you made two mistakes.

Sarah: I’m a little surprised you’re not staying with Natalie.
Owen clears throat: No, Natalie’s room smells like eucalyptus.
Sarah: Can I make you something to eat?
Owen: Yeah. Those Hot Pockets with pepperoni.

Macklin: It must be exhausting, trying to control everything all the time.
Sarah: What’s the alternative?
Macklin: Well, not trying to control everything, I guess.

Lee: Abstinence. Rachel and I are not having sex. So why is having sex with Zoe the only thing I think about?

Zoe: Don’t hire Cynthia back.
Gunther: Reason: sanity. Logic: from the mouths of proofreaders.
Richard: Why not?
Zoe: Because I wrote this column.
Richard: You? How long did it take you to write this?
Zoe: About an hour.
Richard: You’re hired. Gunther, get her a desk.
Gunther: She already has a desk.
Richard: Get her a chair, get her something. I want this woman working on her next column now.

Zoe: Gunther, I don’t want this job.
Gunther: Fine. You tell Richard.

Annie: This round’s on me.
Natalie: Thank you. Why the donation?
Annie: My boss screwed me. Took away my best shift so now he’s buying my favorite customers drinks. Enjoy.
Natalie: I love this woman.
Zoe: And I love her boss.

Cynthia: Who’s this? He’s cute.
Sarah: Well, this is my little brother, Owen.
Owen: I’m Owen. Younger, not little.
Cynthia: Owen. I love words with O and W in them. Like cowboy and rowdy and growl… rowr. How ’bout I buy you a drink?
Owen: You know what, I already have a date, so—
Cynthia: Incest. Now that’s… trendy.

Professor Cole: I read your paper. It’s good. Well-written, impeccably researched.
Lee: I’m glad you liked it.
Professor Cole: Indeed I did. In fact, I’ve enjoyed this paper every time I’ve read it. Which according to my computer cheat check is three times before.