The Polarizing Express

Present Day

Katie: KSRP23 has obtained the video footage that lead to the mistrial.
News Anchor: Thanks for that report, Katie. The person seen in the video conducting that unauthorized search is one Shawn Spencer, a psychic consultant for the Santa Barbara police department.

Gus: I told you not to go into that building without the police but you never listen to me. Ever. Now they look like amateurs and Psych might be finished.
Shawn: Gus, don’t be the way Eriq La Salle spells “Eriq.” You know I would never go snooping around without checking for security cameras. They must have been hidden.

D.A. Clark (Greg Kean): You have nobody to blame but yourselves. Particularly when it comes to this psychic.
Chief Vick: Okay, instead of pointing fingers let’s focus on next steps.
D.A. Clark: Fine. I strongly suggest that SBPD take a long look at their methods.
Chief Vick: Duly noted.

Chief Vick: I have been given an ultimatum by the Mayor. And as a result this department has decided to take preemptive action.
Shawn: About time I was issued a weapon.
Chief Vick: I’m placing you on suspension. Indefinitely.
Shawn: Indefinitely? Well make up your mind, Chief. Am I suspended or not?
Henry: You made your bed, kid.
Shawn: I haven’t made my bed in fifteen years.
Chief Vick: In addition, Internal Affairs is gonna want to speak with you so I’d advise you not to leave town.
Henry: I’ve been telling you all along. Your blatant disregard for protocol, your reckless police work, it was bound to happen—
Chief Vick: Furthermore, I’ve notified the Mayor that as a result of you failing to control your special consultant, your position is being dissolved. Effective immediately.
Henry: Meaning what, Karen?
Chief Vick: Your services are no longer required.
Henry: What exactly are you trying to say?
Chief Vick: You’re fired, Henry.

Henry: I’m just so tired of the grind. You and me, spinning our wheels, going in opposite directions. I can’t help but wonder what our lives might have been like if you’d just stayed wherever the hell you were and not come back to Santa Barbara five years ago.
Shawn: Wow. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I shouldn’t have come back.

Tony Cox: The bottom line is, it’s snowing styrofoam and I’m stuck here.
Shawn: Why?
Tony Cox: Because I’m your super-ego.
Shawn: No kidding. Boy, I wish I could show you to all the people that said I should be more humble.

Tony Cox: You’re supposed to go on a journey of self-discovery, fool. Now let’s do this.

Shawn: Oh my god. My dad turned into Nick Nolte.

Shawn: I guess he was dead wrong. It’s a good thing I came back after all.
Tony Cox: You do realize you’re pulling all the strings in this dream. You did this just to make yourself feel better.

Shawn: Who’s next?
Tony Cox: It’s Gus. Now his Old Lady has a kid from a different baby daddy. His alcoholic mother-in-law lives with them too. And I’m pretty sure they live next door to Edie McClurg.
Shawn: That sounds like a UPN sitcom from the mid-nineties.

Stranjay (Keshia Knight Pulliam): Give your daddy a fist bump.
Anfernee: He ain’t my daddy!
Stranjay: What’s happening, Anfernee?
Anfernee: You ain’t my daddy.
Shawn: Is that all he says?
Tony Cox: This season. Lat year was, “Sniff this, unit.”

Shawn: Here’s the weird thing. I think this is a rerun.

A spokesperson for the SBPD found it odd that the surveillance footage wasn’t submitted earlier in the investigation.

Shawn: Wow. This is really horrible. Gus is so underappreciated around here.
Tony Cox: Bingo. Now you’re getting it. Your imagination is dark and ridiculous, but at least the message is buried in there somewhere.
Shawn: Oh you mean that everyone would be miserable if I hadn’t come back to Santa Barbara? I could have told you that.
Tony Cox: Boy are you in for a surprise.

Shawn: So because I never came back, she ends up getting demoted and Lassie ends up with his dream job. {he peeks in on him}. At least they respect him.

Officer Bachynsky (Graeme Beddoes): We have no back up, they have heavy artillery.
Juliet: We called for back up, Bachynsky. If we wait and lose them, we have nothing to back up. It also means we suck.

Shawn: Jules, this is so hot. You’re like Heather Locklear in T.J. Hooker. Which means he’s Adrian Zmed. Wait a minute. Are you dating Dwyane Wade? That doesn’t even make sense. He’s dating Gabrielle Union.

Tony Cox: How much longer are you going to stay in denial, huh?
Shawn: How much time do we have?
Tony Cox: Get out of the car.
Shawn: Can I be perfectly honest? I can’t feel anything below my chin.

Shawn: I need to wake up.
Tony Cox: Not until you learn your lesson.
Shawn: I did. I learned how important I am to everyone.
Tony Cox: This isn’t about them. haven’t you seen It’s a Wonderful Life?
Shawn: No. I can’t do black and white.
Tony Cox: How about a Christmas Carol?
Shawn: I can’t do subtitles. You know what I did see? Elf. How come you’re not in that movie?
Tony Cox: It’s not about me or which movies I should have gotten over Dinklage.

Tony Cox: It’s time to grow up, or you’re going to lose the people that care about you the most.
I am? I guess I could afford to make a stride or two.

Tony Cox: Who is this?
Shawn: Us. As a kid.
Tony Cox: It doesn’t look like us as a kid.
Young Shawn: Well we change. Sometimes from week to week, huh?
Shawn: That’s true.

Shawn: Oh Brown Snowman Gus. I think I’ll miss you most of all.

Shawn: Gus, the lightbulb came on. I’ve had a catheter.
Gus: Catharsis.

Shawn: Of all the relationships in my life, ours is easily the most stable and the only one I haven’t screwed up. If I hadn’t come back to Santa Barbara, I don’t know what you’d be doing, but wherever I was I’d be wishing I had you there to lean on.

Shawn: Where do you think the Super Sniffer ranks among other hero’s powers?
Gus: Below X-ray vision and weather control, but definitely better than anything Robin brings to the table.
Shawn: Which is nothing.
Gus: Exactly.

Gus: So what’s our move?
Shawn: Brace yourself, Gus. We’re going to have to play by the book. It’ll be difficult, but I’m gonna help you through it.
Gus: I always play by the book.

Shawn: Now come on. Let’s hug it out.
Lassiter: I would rather fall in love with a vegan.
Shawn: That’s fair.
Lassiter: Look, this lack of animosity is kind of freaking me out right now.

Shawn: Is it area codes or state capitols that you’re all Rain Man-y with?
Gus: I’m Rain Man with area codes. With state capitols I’m more like John Nash.
Shawn: The dude from Clean House?
Gus: That’s Niecy Nash, Shawn. And she’s a fine, full-bodied woman.

Shawn: You know they say the wormwood in absinthe makes your shadow glow. We should do shots and then play laser tag.
Gus: Shawn, you need to try to take a nap. You look tired.
Shawn: Gus, don’t be Keith Sweat now. I’m sharp as a tack.

Shawn:I apologize to cockroaches everywhere. Especially Jiminy Cricket. Although for the first time in over thirty years it occurs to me, he might be a cricket.
Gus: Of course he’s a cricket.