Psych Season 5

Dead Bear Walking

2010.12.15    

April Bowlby  Brian Klugman  Michael Gross

Lassiter: This is my sister.
Buzz
: Not genetically though, right?
Lassiter: Yes, genetically, you idiot! What’s the matter with you? Okay, I get it. There might be a little age difference between us, but I can assure you, although she may not have been traditionally planned, she was a happy accident.

Shawn: Hey Lassie. Hey Jules.
Lassiter: How’d you guys find out about this already?
Shawn: Well first off, Gus follows several of the zebras on Twitter and his phone is blowing up with tweets. I follow the exotic birds and they’re actually tweeting. And finally, we heard someone was making a motion picture.

Shawn: Hello. I’m Shawn Spencer and this is my partner Radio Star. I’m afraid your video will kill him.

Lassiter: Back off hippies!
Juliet: They’re protestors, Carlton.
Lassiter: Same diff.

Lauren Lassiter (April Bowlby): What must it be like to have the privilege to work alongside my brother every day? Isn’t he amazing?
Gus: You’re amazing. The way you press that record button and whatnot.
Lauren: He used to run hurdles in high school until he sprained his groin.
Shawn: You know, Gus here doesn’t have a groin. And that’s a true story. {Lauren walks off}
Gus: Why?
Shawn: ‘Cause you’re being super creepy.

Gus: I’m out. You got this alone.
Shawn: Are you serious?
Gus: I’m dead serious. I don’t even like bears in fables, Shawn. Goldilocks was a crazy blonde shorty for goin’ up in that house in the first place.
Shawn: Don’t say shorty.
Gus: Shorty.

Shawn: You’re on the wooded path to nowhere!
Gus: I just don’t like bears Shawn.

Gus: I don’t want to be the uptight one here, but listen, we cannot keep a bear in the Psych office held in by a piece of kite string.

Macleod Sinclaire (Brian Klugman): Animals were not meant to be in captivity!
Gus: Or my office.

Juliet: Where’s the bear, Shawn?
Shawn: What would possibly make you believe I have any idea where this bear is.
Juliet: Oh, well first off, someone called in a tip about a tiny blue car driving an enormous trailer down Mariposa. Secondly, I am dating you and I know when you’re lying. And third, there are like three packets of tartar sauce on your doorstep.

Juliet: Just so you know, if you go to prison Shawn, I will not wait for you.
Shawn: You won’t have to, I’ll escape. We both know that.

Cody Blair (Michael Gross): This is highly unorthodox.
Shawn: I can assure you, you will not feel that way after I prove to you that this bear did not kill its trainer. You can enter that unto the record.
Lassiter: Spencer, this isn’t a coutroom, there are no records.
Shawn: Permission to treat this man as a hostile witness.
Blair: No.
Shawn: Quick sidebar?
Blair: Absolutely no.
Shawn: Should we poll the jury?
Blair: Negative.
Shawn: May I try on your robe, Judge?
Blair: If you’ll excuse me.

Shawn: Zack and Miri Make a Porno? {thumbs down}. Goodbye, Seth.

Shawn: Now Lauren, please remember, if anyone ever makes a movie out of your documentary, I would like to be played by Cillian Murphy. Because it’s unexpected. It’s odd. People will talk. Obviously, Stoney Jackson will play Gus. And Fyvush Finkel will play my father. Now he’s probably going to want to do it with a lisp, but… That actually feels right to me.

Lassiter: You murdered your neighbor over two feet. You were at war with each other.
Shawn: Like Belushi and Akroyd.
Lassiter: Yes! In Trading Places.
Shawn: Neighbors.
Lassiter: I gave it a shot.
Gus: Know the feeling.

Lauren: Very impressive, Detective Lassiter.
Lassiter: Please. Call me Carlton.
Lauren: I will. I was doing a bit.