Psych Other Characters (Psych)

Season 6

2011.10.12    

Shawn Rescues Darth Vader

Chief Karen Vick (Kirsten Nelson): What I do want is for you to work out whatever silliness is going on between you two.

Chief Vick: This case was brought to our attention by perhaps the most impressive bit of premonition yet from Mr. Spencer here. He not only knew the address, but the initial location, the jewelry that the victim was wearing, and also that the party punch was a little bit skunky. So, Mr. Spencer, strong work.

Henry Spencer (Corbin Bernsen): My son needs my help. I think he bit off a bit too much this time.
Woody (Kurt Fuller): You don’t have to tell me. I know Gus well.
Henry: Shawn.
Woody: Him too. Never thought of them as brothers though. Bit of a game changer.

Ambassador Fanshawe (Malcolm McDowell): I’d like to hire you.
Gus: You can’t do that.
Fanshawe: Why?
Gus: We think you did it.
Shawn: Do not.
Gus: Did before.
Shawn: Dude, that was like half an hour ago.

Fanshawe: Annabeth was trying to contact me the night of the party.
Gus: Did she say what she wanted?
Fanshawe: Only that it was about the case and that it was urgent. She sent me a cryptic text. Here. {hands the phone to Gus} “The witnesses were right.”
Gus: Right about what? She’d just proven they were wrong.

Fanshawe: Where are you getting your accents from?
Shawn: I don’t know, the usual places, I guess. Peter Pan. Geico gecko. Phineas and Ferb’s granddad.
Fanshawe: Is there any of them that don’t come from animated characters?
Shawn: Not really. Does Russell Brand count?

Shawn: We just wanted to talk to you, Dude.
Colin Hennessey: Then why were you shouting, “I’ll shoot you repeatedly in the skull when I catch you”?
Gus: That was me. I was going to shoot him.

View all quotes from Shawn rescues Darth Vader

Last Night Gus

Woody: Hey guys. When’s the pinata coming out?
Shawn: I don’t know if there is a pinata.
Woody: Oh. I was told this was a party.

Lassiter: Oh dear Lord, please tell me this is a dream.
Woody waking up: Calm down. Peaches. Come back to bed.
Lassiter: Whatever you think happened last night didn’t happen, because nothing happened you got it?
Shawn: That’s nice, Lassie. Way to belittle the man.
Woody: Yeah, Detective. I do have feelings.
Gus: What is all over your face?
Woody: I can’t be sure. {checks} Oh god. You didn’t see a small Colombian with a hook for an arm, did you?
Gus: No.

Gus: Okay. If no one else is going to freak out, then I will. {he freaks out}.
Shawn: It’s just a minor ding, buddy. You can only see it because the sun’s hitting at that angle. Isn’t that right, Woody?
Woody: I don’t feel right inside.

Shawn: Lassie, I need you to look inwards. Take a swim in Lake You. See what you see. We can do this.
Lassiter: Spencer, I can’t survive without the facts. I don’t know what happened last night. I’ve never lost control of my faculties in my life.
Woody: Me neither. Unless I’m being tickled. Then all bets are off.

Bobo’s Donuts: Come on. Look at me. Does it look like I’m going around trying to bed a bunch of Desperate Housewive-types? Like that’s my thing. ‘Cause they can’t get enough of this.
Shawn: I’m drawn to you in a weird sort of way.
Gus: Maybe they recognized you from Children of the Corn.
Bobo’s Donuts: Maybe they recognized you from The Cosby Show, Bud.
Gus: I’m not Bud!

Lassiter: Hello?
Woody: Guten tag.
Lassiter: There’s been another body.
Woody: I just got verified on Twitter.
Shawn: Oh, that’s nice. Good for you.
Woody: Thanks.

Chief Vick: This is Scott Williams. Age 44. Caucasian. Found dead in his car off San Viejo Drive.
Gus: That’s right down the block from Bobo’s Donuts!
Chief Vick: What bearing does that have, Mr. Guster?
Shawn: Fun fact. Gus is making a book of them.

Chief Vick: Does someone want to explain to me what happened last night?
Lassiter: Okay, I just want to go on record and say I was on that couch first.
Chief Vick: I don’t even know what that was supposed to mean.

Chief Vick: Excuse me, may I help you?
Ed Lover: My beef ain’t with you, lady. I need to talk to these two cats right here.
Shawn: Mother of God.
Gus: It’s Ed Lover.
Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, what is Ed Lover doing in my office?

Ed Lover: I guess your mother never taught you about taking another grown ass man’s bling.
Gus: Wait, that’s your bling?
Ed Lover: That’s my brand, playa.
Gus: Dude, you took Ed Lover’s bling?
Shawn: I would never do that, I swear!
Ed Lover: Come on, son. You know damn well you swiped my ultra bright while I was on the dance floor gettin’ my freak on.

Chief Vick: Listen, Mr. Guster, we’re all happy that you can manage to captivate the honeys, or whatever it is. But right now, you are on my time.
Gus: Can you hold on one sec? {to the chief} Actually, Chief, I’m on my time. I almost lost my life an hour ago, and I’m sick of it. Last Night Gus had it right. And I don’t want to sit here wasting another moment when I could be living the life I was meant to live: balling and shot-calling. So if you don’t mind, I’m gonna keep it one hundie and take this call.

Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, where are your pants!?
Henry: I’m not entirely sure, Chief.

View all quotes from Last Night Gus

This Episode Sucks

Marlowe Viccellio (Kristy Swanson): I hope you weren’t saving this stool for someone else.
Lassiter: Do I know you? Or do you think I’m someone else?
Marlowe: To the night.

Marlowe: So what’s your story, Carlton.
Lassiter: How do you know my name?
Marlowe: I asked you first.
Lassiter: Are you a prostitute?
Marlowe: Is that the vibe I’m giving off? I’m sorry, no. I’m just um, just a little I don’t know…
Lassiter: Lonely.

Marlowe: So you gonna tell me about yourself or not?
Lassiter: Yep. {he throw back his drink} Well you already know my name. I come here to unwind because my job can be… intense. I often pretend I’m Clint Eastwood.
Marlowe: Even in Blood Work?
Lassiter: Mostly Heartbreak Ridge.
Marlowe: Please continue.
Lassiter: I’m somewhat recently divorced, I believe there’s little to no room for interpretation when it comes to the United States Constitution, and I have an unusually high threshold for pain.

Lassiter: How did you know my name?
Marlowe: Why don’t you hold that thought while I go freshen up. We’re gonna need more whiskey.

Woman: Hey! You blind, Flat Stanley?

Shawn: Necrobutcher!
Woody: Ryan Phillipe.
Shawn: We’re trying out pet names. Yours is Baloney.

Gus: Woody, in your professional opinion, is it possible that this person was the victim of a vampire attack?
Juliet: Don’t dignify that with a response.
Woody: I wasn’t planning on it.
Shawn: Is it possible?
Woody: Most likely, yes.
Juliet: Woody!
Woody: It’s a given, really.

Gus: Charlatan!
Bartender: Look who’s talking. Count Chocula over here. Please.
Gus: Charlatan? You must be out of your damn mind!
Shawn: What did I tell you? No one remembers Blacula except for us and Quentin Tarantino.

Lassiter: You don’t live alone.
Marlowe: No, it’s me and three guys.
Lassiter: Have you ever dated, thought about dating or had any casual relations with these free-loading parasites?
Marlowe: No. Is this an interrogation?
Lassiter: Believe me, I wish it weren’t, but… Where’s the necklace?
Marlowe: I don’t understand.
Lassiter: “For all eternity.” The necklace.

Juliet: Carlton, what exactly is going on here?
Lassiter: I suppose I do owe you an explanation, partner. I owe you two nothing and you look like a couple of asshats in those ridiculous costumes.
Shawn: I’m dangerous. In a sexy way.
Marlowe: More like a gay way.
Gus: Well I’m straight-up iconic.
Marlowe: I wouldn’t call Count Chocula an icon.

Juliet: Marlowe, we’re going to need to talk to each of your roommates and find out which one made that call.
Marlowe: Ah, yeah, I understand. It’s Eddie, Jake and Lucien.
All: Where’s Lucien?

Shawn: Hold up. Will King Putt honor an expired two-for-one Groupon: yes or no?
Gus: Shawn! This is serious. Listen, on the third hole I usually
putt up the right side, bank through the rubber bumpers, but I still keep getting nailed by the swinging mammaries.
Lucien: Those aren’t mammaries. They’re the bells on the end of a jester’s cap.
Gus and Shawn: Really?
Lucien: Yes. It’s putt-putt. For kids.

Shawn: O negative!
Ron: You what?
Doctor: How did you know his blood type?
Shawn: It’s a special gift that I bust out on rare occasions. And almost all the time.

Marlowe: I wasn’t sure you’d come.
Lassiter: I’m a man of my word.
Marlowe: I’m so sorry. I wish I’d—
Lassiter: You did what you thought you had to do.

Lassiter: Can I ask you something?
Marlowe: Anything.
Lassiter: Where would you rate Pink Cadillac in the Eastwood canon?
Marlowe: Not very high, I’m afraid. I mean I suppose it’s a good companion piece to City Heat, but he’s much funnier with the orangutan.

View all quotes from This Episode Sucks

The Amazing Psych-Man & Tap Man, Issue #2

Reginald (Miles Fisher): Chief, can you give us any information? What can you tell us?
Red Head: Have the Caminos really taken control of all cocaine production from rival gangs?
Chief Vick: No comment.
Bald Guy: Chief, who was the masked man?
Chief Vick: No comment.
Woman: Should other citizens follow his lead?
Chief Vick: Okay, that I’ll comment on. Vigilantism is a dangerous act. The art of apprehending criminals should be left to the police officers who have been adequately trained and equipped.
Reginald: Well then why does Detective Lassiter’s report say that the police consultant failed to apprehend the four suspects because he was quote, “Woefully out-of-shape”?

Shawn: That’s quite a grip you have there, Scott. You must work out.
Scott Reynolds (Joey McIntyre): A little.
Shawn: Nah. Come on now. Feels like more than just a little. Doesn’t it, Gus?
Gus: Shawn.
Shawn: Feel it.
Gus: I’m not feeling it.
Shawn: Feel the man’s fitness.
Gus: I’m not feeling—
Shawn: Do it.
Gus: Fine.

Reynolds: Listen, man. I’m sorry I acted all weird earlier. I’m just not used to getting hit on.
Shawn: You’re not… what?
Reynolds: Look, I’m flattered. But I don’t shoot that way.

Shawn: Hm. No bite marks, no scratches. And you have a tattoo of a bull mastiff.
Reynolds: That’s my Nana.
Shawn: Is she pretending to be a bull mastiff? Ah. I bet she’s stopping traffic in Heaven.
Reynolds: She’s not dead!
Shawn: Good talk.

The Mantis: I also have reason to believe that a huge drug shipment to the Caminos is imminent.
Shawn: Ha! We already know that one. Suck it!
Juliet: Shawn, we’re all professionals.
The Mantis: Oh yeah? You suck it!
Shawn: You suck it! What kind of man takes off another man’s pants in a smokey boiler room? I’m on to all your little tricks, man.

Gus: We’re here actually to help— Pow!
Shawn: Clear your— Bam!
Gus: Because we know— Oof!
Shawn: We know that you were— Leg swipe!
Gus: Cozened!— Slam!
Shawn: Nobody knows what cozened means. Slam!
Gus: Cozen is a fairly common word, Shawn.
Shawn: Why can’t you just be a normal person and say—
Gus: Framed? We know you were framed?
Reginald: You do?
Gus: Yeah.

Reginald: It’s amazing. Nobody’s gotten this close to figuring out who I actually am. Your psychic powers are amazing.
Shawn: Gus, we have to help him. He’s a good man.

Gus: Okay, so what really happened to the guy on the rooftop of the Baine building?
Reginald: That was Carlos Jacott. He’s my inside man with the Caminos.

Reginald: Yeah, I don’t know guys. I mean it’s one thing to fight one on four, but if we actually do find their distribution center it’s gonna be more like one on ten.
Shawn: What if you had help?

Shawn: This was never about honor or justice. Or even Presidential fitness. You just wanted to take down the Caminos so you could steal their dirty money.
Reginald: I gotta say I’m impressed. You figured it out.

View all quotes from The Amazing Psych-Man & Tap Man, Issue #2

Dead Man’s Curveball

Mel Hornsby (Danny Glover): Look at you. Former bat boy, all grown up.
Shawn: Gus, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Mel Hornsby. Manager of the Seabirds.
Gus: Oh wow. That sounds like the coolest job ever.
Shawn: It’s a minor league baseball team. Not the actual birds.
Gus: Oh.

Izzy: Listen Shawn, don’t take this the wrong way but I’m on a bit of a hot streak of late. I don’t want you coming in, messing with my swing. Because I have a tendency to over think things.
Shawn: That surprises me.

Cal Eason (Michael Trucco): It’s never wise to mess with a drunk idiot, Shawn. You should know that.
Shawn: Oh man, are you a sight for sore eyes, Cal. Man, I can’t believe you’re back here playing for the Seabirds.
Cal: Yeah, nor can I. After the Rangers cut me it was either sign up here or get some lousy job like selling pharmaceuticals.
Gus: That’s a noble profession.

Cal: Let me tell you something, Shawn. First of all, Izzy doesn’t need any help getting into trouble, okay? Secondly, if I was cheating, I wouldn’t be stuck in A-ball.

Mel: Since when did you chew tobacco?
Shawn: I don’t. This is all pretzel, my friend.

Mel: You have any updates for me?
Shawn: Let’s just say I’m zeroing in on a suspect.
Mel: Okay, good. ‘Cause I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this charade.
Shawn: All season.

Shawn: Hey, ump! I need a time.
Umpire: Time! {Shawn runs out to the mound}
Mel: Hey! You can’t do that.
Henry in the stands: Oh this can’t be good.
Well this is something you rarely see. The pitcher is getting a visit from the hitting coach.

Cal: What the hell are you doing?
Shawn: Cal. Dammit man, I’m so sorry. That was wrong to accuse you of trying to sabotage Izzy. The whole time, it’s been Ricky. Yeah, he’s trying to get Izzy back for sleeping with his wife.
Cal: Ricky isn’t married.
Shawn: You sure about that? He was awful lovey dovey at the bar the other night with that smokin’ hot filthy, slutty blonde in the red.
Rodriguez: Hey, that’s my wife.

Player: What’s going on?
Rodriguez: Ricky’s sleeping with my wife.
Shawn: And Izzy too. Possibly. That’s an issue for another time.

Commentator: This has got to be the weirdest mound meeting I have ever seen.

Commentator: Well folks in all my years, this is a first. A bench-clearing brawl consisting of one team.

Mel: I’m getting too old for this crap.
Shawn: I guess now’s not the best time for me to talk about pinch hitting?

Neil Stillman (Matt Kaminsky): By the way, I don’t know who you are, but you’re fired.
Shawn: I’m the new hitting coach.
Stillman: No, this {indicates Boggs} is the new hitting coach.
Shawn: That’s Wade Boggs. Oh my god!

Shawn: Do you have any idea what this man has accomplished? For seventeen seasons, he ate chicken before every single game.
Boggs: I also won five batting titles and was a twelve-time allstar.
Gus: Grilled or crispy?
Boggs: Very funny.
Shawn: No. Gus never kids around about food.
Gus: Nope.
Boggs: Mostly crispy.
Gus: Wow. That’s impressive.
Shawn: See what I’m saying?
Gus: Wow.

Mel: I wanted to give him a piece of my mind. I’ll admit that. But I never found him. Hey, you guys gotta believe me.
Lassiter: We don’t.

Woody: I also embalmed Sparky Anderson. One of my thrills.

Cal: So I see I’ve gone from being your idol back to cold-blooded killer, huh?
Shawn: Just like O.J. and Jamie Farr.
Cal: Jamie Farr never killed anyone, Shawn.
Shawn: You’re so naive.

Shawn: I will never doubt you again. Dammit Cal!
Cal: Oh, I wish that was true.

Stillman: Why aren’t you in Oakland, Eason?
Cal: I was gearing up for the game and something kept eating at me. Mel couldn’t have hit Izzy because he bats right-handed. Came back on a hunch, turns out I was right.
Gus: And all you brought was a baseball bat?
Cal: I said it was a hunch. Give me a break.

Stillman: I can’t shoot Wade Boggs.
Boggs: Chicken! {Stillman runs off until Henry clotheslines him}
Shawn: Nice, Dad!
Henry: Wade Boggs! I’m a giant fan.
Cal: I’m never coming back here.
Henry: Hey, Wade, when’s Steve Garvey getting in the Hall of Fame?
Shawn: Fair question. That’s fair.

View all quotes from Dead Man’s Curveball

Shawn, Interrupted

Dr. Elliot (Gerard Plunkett): I’m in charge of pharmacology so I’ll make sure all your pills are sugar pills.
Shawn: Sweet. Literally.

Dr. Elliot: Your departmental profile suggests that the closest psychological identification for you would be narcissistic personality disorder.
Shawn: That’s a handsome disease.

Shawn: I couldn’t help but notice you’re trying to quit smoking.
Bernie Bethel (Brad Dourif): How’d you know that?
Shawn: I’m the Magic Man.

Nurse McElroy (Molly Ringwald): Tell us about yourself, Shawn.
Shawn: Well. They tell me I’ve got something called narcissistic personality disorder. But the truth is this lustrous hair and dimpled chin are merely chapter one. I’m a veritable cornucopia of high-octane maladies. Such as outrageous intelligence syndrome, huh? And a little obsessive successful disorder.
Nurse McElroy: Goodness. I’ve never encountered a patient who suffers from so many diseases that don’t exist.
Shawn: Well they exist where I come from.
Nurse McElroy: And where is that?
Shawn: The future.

Lassiter: You’ve only been here one day they’ve already got you in restraints?
Shawn: Oh come on. Dr. Elliot’s only making me wear these mittens to protect my cover.
Dr. Elliot: That and I was concerned Shawn might really be unstable.

Daniel Bethel (Matthew Harrison): Oh my god. Has something happened to my brother?
Lassiter: No no. He’s fine. Actually he’s insane. Or not. It’s hard to tell at this point.

Shawn: Lavender? Really?
Nurse McElroy: My parents were hippies.
Gus: Evil hippies.
Shawn: Aren’t they all.
Gus: You know that’s right.
Shawn: They set stuff on fire.
Gus: “Accidentally.”

Nurse McElroy: I admit that I was paid to change Bernie’s dosage and give him ECT. But I did not kill Dr. Elliot. I swear. As far as this Zurn person goes, I’ve never even heard of him.

Nurse McElroy: No! Please!
Daniel Bethel: Quiet!
Nurse McElroy: I have cats!
Daniel Bethel: I don’t care about your cats.

View all quotes from Shawn, Interrupted

In for a Penny…

Florida, 1990

Mrs. O’Hara: Juliet, the party’s almost over. I don’t think Daddy’s coming, sweetie.
Young Juliet: He’s coming. I know it.
Mrs. O’Hara: Okay. But it’s a little rude to stay in here all day. And hey, your clown’s leaving soon.
Young Juliet: He can’t even juggle.

Present Day

Chief Vick: So what’s the story with these guys?
Lassiter: This group of thieves hit West Medical Supply earlier this morning, made off with a couple dozen oxygen tanks.
Shawn: Because of the Great Oxygen Drought.
Gus: Hold your breath, people. Do your part.

Frank O’Hara (William Shatner): You don’t look like Tito Nagasaki and Bob Jones.
Shawn: I’ve been told on many occasions that I am the spitting image of Tito Nagasaki. And if this guy doesn’t look like Bob Jones, well I don’t know anything.

Mr. O’Hara: So Burton, how long have you been a single man?
Gus: How do you know I’m single?
Mr. O’Hara: How much time do you have?

Shawn: Mr. O’Hara, I am here to broker a reunion between father and daughter.
Mr. O’Hara: See, I’ve reached out to Jule. But unless she responds, I think it’s wise to stay away.
Shawn: See sir, I think that would be a mistake. I know how Juliet feels. I didn’t speak with my father for many years. And I know it creates a void in your life. I’ll say this: I can and will help orchestrate this reunion.

Shawn: Congratulations! You’re a con man.
Mr. O’Hara: I prefer confidence man.
Gus: You should be ashamed of yourself.
Mr. O’Hara: I’ll have you know that I’ve been referred to as the modern day Robin Hood by many of my colleagues.
Shawn: Really? You rob from the rich and give to the poor?
Mr. O’Hara: I con from the rich and give to myself when I’m at my poorest.

Mr. O’Hara: Tell you the truth here, I miss my daughter. And I have recently—and I accept the fact it was only eleven hours ago—turned a corner. I’m going straight.
Shawn: What do you honestly think Gus and I were born on the Fourth of July?
Gus: Or yesterday.
Shawn: Or to run?

Mr. O’Hara: I’ll take that one.
Gus: It’s a three hundred thousand dollar Bentley. Everyone will take that one.

Mr. O’Hara: A real pro can get through this safe in two minutes. Your coins are sitting ducks in there.
Sheldon (Marc Evan Jackson): Please. Have you not listened to anything I’ve said?
Shawn: I certainly haven’t but I didn’t think you’d noticed.

Shawn: Dammit, you have got to stop doing this to your daughter. She was just starting to allow herself to believe that you were actually a changed man.
Mr. O’Hara: I know, I know. And I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize that.
Shawn: Could have fooled me.

Juliet: You are such a coward.
Mr. O’Hara: There’s no need for that.
Juliet: Actually there’s a long overdue need for it.

Juliet: What really breaks my heart is that you won’t be there for all the moments to come.
Mr. O’Hara: You don’t know that, Juliet.
Juliet: Yes I do. Because that’s my choice. And I don’t want you there.
Mr. O’Hara: You don’t mean that.
Juliet: Sadly, I mean every word. Because I feel cheated. I feel robbed. So congratulations, Frank. Your longest con of all was on your own daughter.

Shawn: Don’t touch anything!
Mr. O’Hara: Nothing worth touching.

Mr. O’Hara: I have a lot of proud moments of you, Juliet. But the proudest was when they swore you in and gave you that badge, and I realized—luckily—you’re nothing like me.

View all quotes from In for a Penny…

The Tao of Gus

Juliet: If you need absolutely anything else please don’t hesitate to call.
Nicole (Diora Baird): What’s your number?
Gus: I was going to ask you the same question.
Juliet: Gus, please. This woman may have witnessed a crime.
Gus: A crime in progress. She’s stealing my heart. But I ain’t pressing charges.

Juliet: Wow. I would like to apologize for my creepy colleague.
Nicole: No need. I find his energy soothing.
Gus: Really? Your silhouette should be on a mud flap.
Shawn: That’s the weirdest flirting I’ve ever heard.

Nicole: Wait, I do remember something about the victim. He had a very heavy presence.
Gus: That’s good.
Shawn: It’s not great.
Gus: Yes, for this conversation it is.

Geoff (Carlos Jacott): When one of us is gone, the whole balance is off. I haven’t been regular all day, and that’s not like me at all.

Eli (Diedrich Bader): Normally we don’t take in strangers.
Shawn: Perfect.

Eli: I’m Eli. You may call me Eli.

Eli: Milosh, my man. The Gourd of Transparency, please. {Milosh hands him a shoe}. This is your left shoe, Milosh. The gourd. I need the gourd.

Nicole: Love will abound, Gus.
Gus: My love doesn’t abound like that.
Nicole: But it can.
Gus: But it won’t.

View all quotes from The Tao of Gus

Neil Simon’s Lover’s Retreat

Clive Noble (Jason Priestley): We have a very simple life philosophy.
Barbie Noble (Jennifer Finnigan): We trust our instincts. If we feel like it, we do it. And then we usually have to call the fire department.

Clive: She gets migraines. Horrible, horrible migraines. Yeah, the room starts spinning. Down is up, up is down. Left is always left, though.

Hotel Manager: Feel free to take your bathrobes with you. A two hundred dollar value.
Shawn: Dude. Like we weren’t going to take those anyway.

Shawn: I need Clive Noble’s room, please.
Hotel Manager: There’s no one by that name registered at the resort.
Shawn: The tennis is off.

Henry: Don’t you think I’m a little old for you?
Chelsea (Arden Myrin): No, I like old men. Especially the balding virile type. You know. Terry Bradshaw… Shawn Connery. Oo. Dick Cheney.

Jerry Kincaid (Tony Hale): I had to walk five miles. First it was cloudy, then it was blazing hot.
Shawn: That explains your face.
Jerry: Is it obvious?
Shawn: It looks like spam.

Shawn: You guys lied to us! You made us believe that you really liked us as people!
Juliet: And they killed someone.
Clive: Come again?
Shawn: Oh, that’s true also, but it’s the lying— It’s the lying that’s really hurtful.
Barbie: Well of all the people we’ve robbed, we liked you the best.
Clive: It’s true. She went on and on about it the whole time we were rifling through your stuff.

Barbie: We are dirty thieves but we are basically nice people. And we are totally against animal cruelty.
Clive: And illegal downloading. Piracy makes me sick!

DePalma: He’s not the first person to die during a tasting, you know.
Shawn: Is it often that people are shot in the gut and dumped in a barrel?
DePalma: No. That, that was new.

DePalma: Would you buy wine from a Goldberg Vineyards? No.
Shawn: Maybe a spritzer.
DePalma: That Texan was my ticket out. He coulda put a picture of his ass on the box for all I care.
Shawn: That I’d buy. {to Juliet} Curiosity.

Housekeeping: You could have just asked me to open the door, you know. Instead of pulling your gun on me.
Lassiter: Sorry. It’s force of habit.
Housekeeping: Jerk.
Lassiter: That’s fair.

View all quotes from Neil Simon’s Lover’s Retreat

Indiana Shawn and the Temple of the Kinda Crappy, Rusty Old Dagger

Christopher Holme (John Rhys-Davies): What are you doing here anyway?
Gus: We’re always here whenever a valuable shipment comes in.
Shawn: To sense trouble.
Gus: And collect a check.
Shawn: But mostly sense trouble.

Holme: I want him jailed!
Lassiter: Mr. Holme, as much as that idea pleases me, you can’t actually put someone in jail for being stupid.
Shawn: Or for being a good samaritan.
Holme: Or stupid! It does bear repeating.

Shawn: The cops don’t even have the kind of firepower we need.
Gus: Dude. If you suggest Batman one more time I will pull out your eardrums.
Shawn: I was talking about a pro, Gus. A pro’s pro. I’ve already called him and downloaded him on the situation.
Gus: Really. And who might that be?
Pierre Despereaux (Cary Elwes): Somebody call for an art thief?

Holme: He financed expeditions to the remote corners of the earth, in search of the rarest artifacts.
Juliet: I get it. He’s Howard Hughes and Indiana Jones.
Holme: The terms of his will stipulates that on the fiftieth anniversary of his death—which was last Thursday—his entire collection should be removed from the Louvre and brought to the Santa Barbara Museum of Art.
Lassiter: Where it stayed for exactly one hour until your boyfriend lost it.

Shawn: What was that thing?
Despereaux: It’s a Civil War-era dagger. Only about five hundred of them were made.
Shawn: Really? What’s it worth?
Despereaux: Oh, about nine thousand dollars maybe.
Gus: Do they know that?

Despereaux: The story goes that Yerden kept his most secret and valuable items hidden in a core collection. Went to the grave before he managed to tell anybody what or where it was. That dagger was said to protect the collection.
Shawn: I think you mean dragon.
Despereaux: No, I mean dagger.

Gus: Can we delay the funeral?
Lawyer: Are you serious? It’s a matter of… the smell.
Gus: Too stinky, Shawn.

Lawyer: Mr. Despereaux was not about to be acquitted.
Shawn: You shut your drunk mouth! He told me as much.
Lawyer: We were losing that trial. I was trying to make a plea but the state was reluctant because… we had no grounds.

Shawn: Woody, I need Despereaux’s remains.
Woody: Can’t sell them to you, Shawn. I’m kind of on probation for that sort of thing.
Shawn: I don’t want to own them.
Woody: Good, because as a hobby it is very expensive.

Shawn: That’s it?
Woody: It’s enough. Cause of death: diabetes. {Shawn looks surprised} I kid. He exploded.

Shawn: What can you tell us about the core collection?
Holme: It doesn’t exist.
Shawn: But if it did.

Holme: Have you ever taken the tour?
Shawn: No, we have not. But we will now.
Holme: Good. Don’t hurry back.

Patience (Lindsey Stoddart): No food. Drinks, smoking, flash pictures. Heeled shoes, hand lotion, offensive colognes, Minnesotans {ahem}, tattoos with wolves {Shawn indicates Gus}, exposed liposuction scars, lap bands, hair extensions, loud noises, surprising gestures {she demonstrates}. Bodily fluids…
Shawn: Alright, I’ll lose the Cheetos.
Patience: I already disposed of them.

Jacqueline: I’ve worked with professionals, mercenaries, compromised double agents… and yet no one’s behavior has been as utterly confusing as yours.
Shawn: Thank you.
Jacqueline: It’s not a compliment.
Shawn: Well it depends on your definition of confusing, doesn’t it.

Despereaux: Don’t you just hate people who kill you?

Shawn: You can hack too.
Despereaux: I have a guy.

Despereaux: It’s gotta be Rembrandt’s unfinished portrait of Alexander the Great! It was rumored Yerden had it for years!
Shawn: Or perhaps it’s a Thomas Kinkade.
Gus: Shawn, you really need to learn another painter.
Shawn: Yeah, like that’s ever gonna be necessary.

Shawn: Think about it, fellas. This man traveled to the ends of the earth, risking everything to find beautiful things made by others. One unattainable goal that he would never achieve was to be the object of one of those searches. To have someone go on a quest like ours for his works. To be the prize at the end of a journey.
Despereaux: Perfect.
Gus: It’s narcissistic.
Despereaux: In the biggest way.
Shawn: I like the one with the cat.
Despereaux: Still crappy.

View all quotes from Indiana Shawn and the Temple of the Kinda Crappy, Rusty Old Dagger

Heeeeere’s Lassie

Lassiter: You are looking at the newest resident of Prospect Gardens.
McNab: The Prospect Gardens?
Lassiter: Yes, McNab. “The” Prospect Gardens. Try and hide your jealousy. You’re embarrassing yourself.
McNab: I heard that place has bad juju.
Lassiter: No you didn’t.
McNab: You’re right. Congratulations.

Amy (Sara Rue): Who are your friends?
Shawn: Shawn Spencer, psychic detective, SBPD. This is my partner, Fellatio Del Toro.
Gus: We’re investigating a haunting in Lassiter’s new condo.
Amy: Wow. That’s some good skinny. I gotta get up to this floor more often.

Lloyd (Louis Gossett, Jr): Don’t you ever touch me, son.
Lassiter: Duly noted.

Gus: Why did you send us a 911 text when we were just upstairs?
Woody: No, it was a 7-11 text and I was hoping you could bring me a Slurpee or a quesadilla in the shape of a tube.

Woody: The blood wasn’t human.
Gus: Chupacabra?
Shawn: Dead robot hookers?
Woody: Some kind of animal. One with abnormally high triglycerides and what appears to be an STD.

Shawn: Lloyd, my good man. I’m Shawn Spencer. This is my partner Eddy Adams from Torrance.
Lloyd: Yeah, I remember you. You had your hand in the dead man’s fridge.

Shawn: So you’re aware of the unexplained phenomena in unit 536.
Lloyd: The business in unit 536 ain’t unexplained.
Shawn: That’s what we were thinking. I told you we came to the right dude.
Gus: We think someone is trying to scare Carlton Lassiter out of 536.
Lloyd: You’re right. And I know who the culprit is. Condo 536.
Shawn: Hm.
Gus: I think we’re done here.
Lloyd: Wait wait. I’ve seen it. Sound-minded men move in there. Then they begin to unravel. Before you know it, they’re delivered into the mouth of madness. Condo 536 has a curse within its walls.

Mr. O’Hara (William Shatner): I sensed that you have an urgent question about my daughter. So spit it out. Don’t mince words.

Gus: Mr. O’Hara.Yes, Shawn has bent the truth on occasion, but he’s as decent as they come. In fact, he’s the type of guy I’d want my daughter to bring home. Provided he was mostly black. And God-fearing. And she wasn’t really my daughter.
Mr. O’Hara: I’ll think about that. That’s very sweet.

View all quotes from Heeeeere’s Lassie

Shawn and the Real Girl

Hilton Fox (Wayne Brady): Look, all you have to do is line the people up in a row. Here, you want me to fix this. Watch this. Take one white guy, put him in a suit along with the rest of the Backstreet Boys. Boom! And you fall in love. There we go, show done.

Shawn: Just go with me, okay. A guy shows up, knocks on a door, right? It’s his big overnight date. You know, he’s showered, he feels fresh, he feels good, he’s got something goin’ on down here. Door opens, boom! It’s—
Steve Rollins (Lochlyn Munro): A bear. Yeah, the Japanese already tried that. Too many people died.
Shawn: What? Man, the Japanese ruin everything.

Shawn Womack: I’m a heart surgeon. And sometimes brain. But I am also the inventor of the hamburger candle.

Melinda: Can I still choose Todd?
Hilton Fox: Todd is in a coma.
Melinda: I know. Can I still choose him?

Jay (Greg Grunberg): I birthed this show. This came from my loins and no one is going to screw this up!
Shawn: We’re not going to screw your loins. I mean I could— No, I don’t see, I don’t think it’s going to happen.

Jay: I sold this to NBC, right? NBC. They make classics like Friends and… ah… ah…
Shawn: Their next runaway smash reality show about the crabbing industry called—wait for it, you wait for it—America’s Got Crabs.
Jay: That’s brilliant. I like it, there’s something there. You and I are gonna talk about that later.

Hilton Fox: Hm. It does not look good for you, Homey.
Gus: That’s alright. Everybody knows that as the only brother on the show I get a free pass through the first round.
Hilton Fox: Then she dumps you like it was the end of her semester abroad.

Melinda: With Brody, there’s so much more than just his handsome looks. Like… …

Shawn: I need to say something to the group.
Jay: What the hell’s going on now?
Shawn: Melinda, if I may. I know the decision is yours, who you want to give the heart to, but I think you should know there is someone here amongst us who does not have your best interests in their heart.
Hilton: Brother’s gone rogue.

Shawn: Hey Brody, where are you going?
Brody: I’m quitting. Look, Melinda’s a nice girl and she looks great naked, but she’s not worth dying for. There’s easier ways to get exposure.
Shawn: When did he see her naked?

Melinda: What the hell is going on with you guys? It’s like you’re more into each other than you are me.
Shawn: That’s fair.

Rollins: Gus is prepared to pay for all the profiteroles.

Shawn: I’m not a doctor.
Melinda: Yeah, I kind of figured that when you said you graduated from Bob Hoskins Medical School.

Gus: If someone removed footage where would it go?
Shawn: Outer space I believe. Right, Steve?
Rollins: Ah no. That’s not correct.

View all quotes from Shawn and the Real Girl

Let’s Doo-wop It Again

Shawn: Kudos on the Asian Lori Petty look.
Tina (Liz Lapira): Congratulations on the skinny Chaz Bono look.
Shawn: Thank you very much. {to Gus} Was that a compliment?
Gus: No.

Juliet: How’s Deacon doing?
Doctor: Well luckily the bullet went straight through and missed hitting any vital organs. But he’s lost a lot of blood. These next two days are going to be crucial.
Shawn: Thank you, Doctor.

Marlowe (Kristy Swanson): I’m just thinking about how lucky I am to have a boyfriend that’s so committed to our relationship and working on getting me an early release.
Lassiter: Marlowe, I would move heaven and earth to be with you. Just as long as that movement is in accordance with the state laws of California.

Marlowe: Get your hands off me, screws!

Drake (Mekhi Phifer): Damn, Jail Girl. You fine.
Lassiter: You watch your mouth, Barry White. That’s my lady.
Drake: Oh come on. I mean at some point he’s gotta run out of black artist references, right?
Gus: There’s a lot of them.

Tony (Jaleel White): Fellahs, I don’t like how this is looking. Us, alone in the woods, tracking a would-be killer. This is not African American.
Drake: I was thinking the same thing. You know, Black guys in movies never make it out of these situations alive.
Shawn: Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Drake. LL Cool J survived Michael Myers, great white sharks and Queen Latifah.
Drake: Wait a minute, Holiday wasn’t a horror movie.
Shawn: It wasn’t?
Drake: No.
Shawn: Oh man, I didn’t get that movie at all.

Gus: We know you’ve been skimming from Deacon’s charity.
Shawn: We also know Deacon found out and to keep him quiet you shot him!
Tina: You don’t know anything, guy-on-the-screen-I-think-I-met-once.

Deacon Jones (Cheech Marin): The only way Chuy would let these young kids out of the gang is if I paid him to do it. So yes, I took money from my own charity. Technically it’s against the law. But I did it to save these young kids. And that’s why people donated money in the first place.

Shawn: Look around. You’re in a hospital, Jimmy. Think this through. You can’t just be shooting dudes.
Jimmy: Some orderly’s going to get in big trouble for accidentally giving you too much morphine.
Shawn: Really? Is it Prince Markie Dee from The Fat Boys?

Shawn: You okay?
Deacon: I’m on the banana sled with you.
Shawn: Feel the peel, baby. Feel the peel.

View all quotes from Let’s Doo-wop It Again

Autopsy Turvy

Chief Vick: Dr. Strode, does the name Bob White mean anything to you?
Woody: Is he a children’s clown?
Chief Vick: No.
Woody: Adults-only clown?
Chief Vick: No, he’s not a clown of any sort. You performed an autopsy on him two nights ago. He was hit by a bus.
Woody: Oh! Of course, I’m sorry. I often confuse clowns and bus victims.

Woody: I don’t make mistakes.
Lassiter: Says the guy who left his keys in an old lady’s spleen last month.
Woody: Oh please, Detective. Like you’ve never lost your keys?

Whip Chatterly (French Stewart): Gentlemen. Might I ask why this man in straight-cut denim is lying in the street while you are making bus sounds in the moonlight?
Shawn: If you must know we are pantomime artists from New Guinea. Developing a new routine.

Whip: So we have a drunken man run over by a large vehicle after he was already dead. This reminds me of a case from 1973 that I read about.
Gus: Wow. That sounds cool. {to Shawn} Dude, we already hung out with enough crazy white people this year.

Whip: … Turns out he was killed with cyanide by a dwarf before he ever even got on that tractor. They never caught that little fellow.
Shawn: Are you saying the dwarf is still at large?

Shawn: We know the drill, Whip. We’ve seen The First 48.
Whip: So have I. Every episode.

Whip: Gentlemen, allow me to be your secret weapon. What have you got to lose? I will also cover the cost of snacks.
Shawn: What kind of snacks? Keeping in mind that fruit and dried fruit are not snacks.
Whip: Food for thought.

Woody: I mean let’s face it, a mortician is nothing more than a glorified make-up artist.
Grace Larsen (Glenne Headly): Well a make-up artist who knew to start with the abdominal cavity.
Woody: You looked better with long hair.
Grace: You look like a great big Gerber baby.

Vick: Woody, I’m trying to help you here. Because if this case turns into an unsolved murder—and it’s looking more likely by the minute that it will be—you may be out of a job.

Whip: This is invigorating. I feel tingly. It might just be my shampoo though.

Miss Ivana: Look at my brain.
Shawn: I’d rather not.
Miss Ivana: Do it.
Shawn: Okay.
Miss Ivana: What do you see?
Shawn: You are… putting up a wall. You don’t want me to see your naked innermost thoughts.
Miss Ivana: True. I have trust issues. My therapist tells me this. Your turn.
Shawn: Have at it. I’m an open book.
Miss Ivana: You’re thinking whether Ted Knight and Jim J. Bullock had anything to talk about on the set of Too Close for Comfort.
Shawn: Holy crap, she’s the real deal.

Shawn: This is an outrage! Shame your face! Poor Bob!
Gus: Who is now very very sad. You wanna know why? Mostly because he’s dead!
Miss Ivana: Say what?
Whip: Murdered!
Miss Ivana: Nuh uh!
Shawn: I hope you’re satisfied.
Miss Ivana: My god, you guys. Seriously? This is all my fault. I’m gonna go to hell in a hand basket.
Shawn: Uh… what happened to your accent?
Miss Ivana: People are more comfortable when I use it?
Gus: No. No no no no. We are leaving!
Whip: To find a girl named Penny!

Shawn: Please tell me that you let him down easy. I’m sensing he was very vulnerable.
Penny: I threatened to call the cops.
Gus: But you’re the bologna girl.
Penny: Yeah, but I’m also a single girl in the city.
Juliet: Who invites an entire audience of strangers into her apartment.

Shawn: Damn you, Whip Chatterly. You ensnared us in a web of turtle-necked lies. And now because of you, we don’t have any snacks.
Woody: You just can’t tell what a person is capable of until you’ve seen them naked. I’m almost positive that’s how the saying goes.

Woody: You know, you may not realize this, Grace. But you’re insane.

Woody: I can’t thank you enough for believing in me.
Vick: I didn’t. I believed in your colleague who turned out to be a homicidal maniac.
Shawn: None of us is perfect, Chief.

View all quotes from Autopsy Turvy

True Grits

At a press conference outside Lompoc
Thane Woodsen (Anthony Anderson): Look, state penal code 4903 states that I’m owed restitution. I know my rights! I have a law degree!
Mandelbaum (Rob Benedict): Okay, he doesn’t have a law degree.
Thane: I’m close!
Mandelbaum: Okay, he might have taken some classes.

Reporter: But in the eyes of the state he’s not due restitution until the real culprit is captured and proven guilty.
Thane: That’s what I’ll do then. After I get my law degree, I’ll enroll in the police academy and become a detective.
Mandelbaum: Okay, he’s not enrolling in the academy.
Thane: Then I will find somebody else to help me!

Shawn: So you want us to solve the crime that you were wrongfully convicted of.
Thane Woodsen (Anthony Anderson): I heard you’re one hell of a psychic from the very men that you put in jail.
Shawn: That’s not surprising. I’m sure my reputation in prison has reached mythical proportions.
Thane: Not really. But there is a long list of fellahs fixin’ to kill you as soon as they get out.
Shawn: Why just me? This is a two-man team.
Gus: Stop snitchin’, Shawn.

Shawn: We’re gonna fight the power!
Thane: Fight the power!
Shawn: Together!
Thane: Together!
Gus: Shawn, don’t get all Spike Lee and Do the Right Thing on me. {Shawn launches a waste basket at the window}
Shawn: It’s too late for that, brother! Love is gonna bust him out.
Gus: He’s already out, Shawn.
Shawn: Just ’cause you put syrup on something don’t make it pancakes.
Gus: What?

Thane: You know what’s sorry? The state prison system. Where I spent three years.
Gus: I thought you said it was two years and eight months.
Thane: I’m rounding up, alright! And who are you? The Math Police?
Shawn: Why don’t you Ice Cube it down a notch or two or five.
Thane: Okay, cool. My bad.

Juliet: I’m the kind of person that would never ever ever forgive myself if I thought I put the wrong person behind bars, so if the real culprit is still out there, believe me I want to find him more than anyone.
Thane: Ah hell no. Man, I ain’t feeling her at all. She’s part of the system that stole my life!
Shawn: Thane, I can personally vouch for Juliet here. Especially now that she agrees with me. We’re all on the same team.
Thane: Oh, well then you ain’t on my team now.
Shawn: What?
Thane: Last thing we need is for her to plant evidence to frame some other dude.

Gus: We work with Juliet all the time. Besides it’s the other one that’s most likely to plant the evidence.
Thane: Either you work separate from the police or you don’t get your ten thousand dollars.
Gus: What ten thousand dollars?
Thane: I agreed to pay you ten percent of my restitution if you help me get it. You didn’t get the contract that Mandlebaum sent over?

Thane: Thanks for letting me tag along, fellahs.
Gus: You were hiding in the backseat.
Thane: Well thanks for leaving your extra set of car keys in plain sight in the back of your desk drawer.

Thane: Mr. Dozier, we need your help proving your son is a no good criminal.
Shawn: Smooth. Thank you.
Fred Dozier (Stoney Jackson): Come on in.
Thane: That’s what I’m talking about.

Shawn: Man, Thane. If you had seen the video we saw, you would have been like, “Damn. That dude is guilty.”
Gus: You know that’s right.
Thane: What? Man, you guys are supposed to believe me.
Gus: And you’re supposed to not get arrested for killing someone.
Shawn: Talk about what they’re supposed to do, what they’re not supposed to do.
Lassiter: He has a very good point.

Thane: Note: we’re gonna sue the state for these last three hours as well.
Shawn to Gus: That means our cut’s three bucks.
Mandelbaum: No, he’s not gonna, not gonna sue the state.

Thane: Police Lady, you done right by me.
Juliet: Well I was horrified at the thought of making the same mistake twice.
Thane: I should have let you help a brother out when you offered. I misjudged you.

Jasmine (Sharon Taylor): As far as the diamonds go, they were a gift from my lousy ex.
Juliet: Carl Dozier?
Jasmine: Yes. He brought ’em by trying to win me back, but I said “hell no” and I threw him out.
Lassiter: But you kept the diamonds?
Jasmine: They’re not the ones who slept with my sister.

View all quotes from True Grits

Santabarbaratown

1991

Young Shawn: What’s going on, Dad?
Henry: What? Oh, ah, nothing. Just work stuff.
Young Shawn: Can you tell me about it?
Henry: Maybe when you’re a little older.
Young Shawn: Come on. I’m old enough to drive. I think I can handle hearing about one of your cases.
Henry: Shawn, you’re not going to be able to drive for three years.
Young Shawn: Really? Then how will Gus and I get to Vegas this weekend?
Lou Gamble (Tom Pickett): Come on, Henry. He can handle it.
Henry: Fine. But I’m calling you when he can’t sleep tonight.

Henry: We’re looking for a missing girl.
Young Shawn: What’s her name?
Henry: Veronica Towne.
Young Shawn: Where was she last seen?
Henry: This bar where she waitresses. Called the Blue Derby.
Young Shawn: What was she wearing?
Henry: Why does that matter?
Lou: A red dress. And a gold necklace with her initials on it.
Young Shawn: Thanks Lou. So do you think she was murdered?
Henry: It’s starting to look that way.
Young Shawn: Ah, who do you think did it?
Lou: A guy by the name of Jordan Beaumont. Her boss at the Blue Derby. But we can’t prove it until we find the place where he stashed the body. Or places.
Young Shawn: Gotcha.
Henry: You’re not going to be able to sleep tonight, are you?
Young Shawn: Not a wink.
Henry: Thanks Lou.

Present Day

Vick: So now I’ve got two bodies. A girl who’s missing for twenty years and the father of the man long-suspected of killing her. Do you have any other bombshells for me?
Shawn: Did you see the finale of The Bachelorette?
Vick: Yes.
Shawn: Then no I do not.

Henry: I think I should also work the case.
Vick: As what? A detective?
Henry: Nobody knows it better than I do. You can reinstate me this one time.
Lassiter: Come on, Henry, with all due respect, you can’t just hop back in the game after all these years. There’s been a lot of changes on the job.
Shawn: Lassie’s right.
For example, the bicycle is no longer just one giant wheel with a tiny one in back.
Gus: And now my people can vote.

Henry: Karen, I promise you I can handle this thing, plus I owe it to Lou Gamble to solve this case. Come on. Let me finish what I started.
Vick: Okay.

Jordan Beaumont (Rob Estes): What’s your point?
Shawn: What do you think it is?
Beaumont: Well you clearly think that I killed my father.
Shawn: Oh yeah? Actually I forgot what my point was, but what you just said makes a lot of sense.

Lawyer: Excuse me. Who are you?
Shawn: Shawn Spencer. That is my partner, Sh’Dynasty. It is spelled S-H-comma-to-the-top-Dynasty.
Beaumont: “Comma-to-the-top”?
Gus: That’s a God’s comma.
Shawn: And I am a badass psychic detective, Jackfonswoo.
Henry: He’s also my son.
Shawn: Dad. You took the teeth right out of my badass comment.

Lawyer: I’d be very careful how you tread here, gentlemen. We will not stand for further libelous accusations, like the ones related to Veronica Towne.
Henry: Oh, you mean the woman we found dead thirty yards from his father. {Beaumont looks shocked} Yeah, that’s right. You got anything to say about that, smartass?
Beaumont: Small world?

Lawyer: Gentlemen, my client is under no obligation to answer any questions from you. Now I’ll have to ask that you leave. Immediately.
Shawn: Take it easy, Cat Von D. Know this, Jordan: I’m on to you. Like fat… on a fat person.

Thea Summers (Amanda Schull): Feel free to help yourself to the minibar.
Gus: I’ve been waiting my entire life to hear those exact words.

Thea: Have you always been such a snoop?
Shawn: Oh yeah. Hence my nickname in high school.
Thea: Snoopy?
Shawn: Hammertime.

Shawn: Chief I would very much like to elbow him in the sternum.
Vick: Please do.

Vick: What is up with Mr. Guster?
Shawn: Sugar crash. He just ate six hundred dollars worth of candy from the hotel minibar.

Ida Lane (Lolita Davidovich): Detective Spencer, right?
Henry: Ida Lane. I thought you’d have found a new line of work by now.
Ida: I was about to say the same thing to you.

Henry: This is my son Shawn and his partner Gus.
Ida: Nice. I voted against Prop 8.

Lassiter: I’ll bring him back in. Dead or alive.
Vick: Alive.
Lassiter: Fine. Didn’t say anything about conscious.

Woody: So. I’ve been doing some more work on Veronica here and two interesting things came up. One: I believe she went to Virginia Tech. Notice the VT on her necklace.
Gus: Which stands for Veronica Towne.
Woody: Scratch that. Second thing—this is the bombshell—she had recently given birth.
Henry: Are you sure?
Woody: One hundred percent. The lab confirms it.

Dr. May: I’ll advise you boys to watch your step. The past can be treacherous.
Shawn: Can you at least tell us the girl’s name?
Dr. May: Yes. Dahlia. Dahlia Towne.

Masked Figure: Nice night for a walk.
Shawn: Listen, I’ve got six bucks and a picture of Mary Stuart Masterson in my wallet. It’s all yours.
Masked Figure: Find another case. This is your last warning.

Henry: No wonder I could never get a leg up on the investigation.
Jack Atwater (Jerry Wasserman): I’ll give you this: you weren’t an easy guy to throw off.

Vick: I’m trying to convince your father to stay on as a detective just a little longer. He hasn’t missed a step.
Henry: Hear hear.
Shawn: Nope. My detective days are over. So’s my career in police work.
Henry: What?
Vick: Wait. You’re retiring?
Shawn: Effective immediately. My resignation letter’s already on your desk.
Vick: Woah woah woah. Is this because I yelled at you for the pants thing?

Henry: It’s not too late to do the right thing, Jerry.
Jerry Carp (Max Gail): I’m sorry, Henry. {he shoots him}

View all quotes from Santabarbaratown