Dead Man’s Curveball

1991

Young Shawn: Hey Cal. Someday I’m going to be just like you. Well, not just like you. I won’t chew tobacco, that’s murder on the gums. And I’ll get a different haircut. Not that yours is that bad. It just won’t work my head, you know? And, ah, I definitely won’t grab my crotch so much during games. It’s weird.

Present Day

Umpire: You’re outta there! Game over!
Lassiter: Son of a…
Gus: This guy!

Shawn: What do you have, doll’s eyes?
Henry: You mocking me?!
Shawn: No, I am stating a fact. You need glasses. Last week you mistook me for Michael Chiklis!
Henry: That’s because you were dressed like Michael Chiklis!
Shawn: First of the month. Gus and I play The Commish. You know that!

Juliet: I’m gonna leave before he does something truly embarrassing. {Shawn tosses home base}
Gus: Too late.

Henry: Pick it up!
Shawn: Suck it!
Henry: Out! Get out!
Shawn: Suck home plate!
Henry: You suck it!

Mel Hornsby (Danny Glover): Look at you. Former bat boy, all grown up.
Shawn: Gus, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Mel Hornsby. Manager of the Seabirds.
Gus: Oh wow. That sounds like the coolest job ever.
Shawn: It’s a minor league baseball team. Not the actual birds.
Gus: Oh.

Shawn: We’ll help you, Mel. But in order for me to investigate properly I’m going to have to get on the inside. I mea deep on the inside.
Mel: I’m not making you my shortstop.
Shawn: Third baseman. Utility infielder? Lefty situational reliever?
Gus: You’re right-handed, Shawn.

Gus: I’m not dressing up as that mascot again. That was humiliating.
Shawn: Oh come on, Gus. You killed it, man. Didn’t you hear the crowd go nuts when you did the Worm?
Gus: That wasn’t the Worm.
Shawn: I’m sorry, the Centipede.
Gus: It wasn’t the Centipede either. I was dealing with an itch on my stomach. I think that suit has fleas.

Shawn: Oo! Macadamias.
Gus: I’m pretty sure those are old chickpeas.
Shawn: Why would he leave those out!
Gus: Because he’s dead.
Shawn: That’s no excuse, Gus.

Shawn: Oh look, Gus. Grady really did coach with some of the greats. It’s a picture of him and Tito Jackson in a baseball uniform.
Gus: That’s Rod Carew.
Shawn: Agree to disagree.

Gus: Are you feeling okay?
Shawn: Actually I feel pretty terrific. Like super duper focused.
Gus: Why are you staring at my ear?
Shawn: I don’t know, but I can’t take my eyes off it.
Gus: Why are you talking so fast?
Shawn: Why are you hearing so slow?

Gus: Shawn, enough. I need you to focus right now.
Shawn: Buddy, I’m not sure I’m capable of anything else. I’m locked in your ear again.

Shawn: Dad, who wears number 42?
Henry: Izzy Jackson. Organization’s top prospect. Signed a massive contract last year.
Shawn: Sweet! Let’s go. {he runs off}
Henry: How long until this stuff wears off?
Gus: Hopefully in about half an hour.

Gus: Wait a second. Izzy’s taking greenies. Don’t they test for that stuff?
Shawn: Yeah. But it’s pretty easy to get around those tests.
Gus: How?
Shawn: I can pass one tomorrow by simply taking some of your urine, putting it in a cup, and swapping it out with my urine.
Gus: I would not let you touch my urine.
Shawn: Oh, you’re not the friend I thought you were.

Shawn: Gus, don’t be Pete Rose’s haircut.

Izzy Jackson (Ken Luckey): Hey, you’re the new mascot, right? You do a killer Worm.
Gus: I actually had mange.

Izzy: Listen Shawn, don’t take this the wrong way but I’m on a bit of a hot streak of late. I don’t want you coming in, messing with my swing. Because I have a tendency to over think things.
Shawn: That surprises me.

Cal Eason (Michael Trucco): It’s never wise to mess with a drunk idiot, Shawn. You should know that.
Shawn: Oh man, are you a sight for sore eyes, Cal. Man, I can’t believe you’re back here playing for the Seabirds.
Cal: Yeah, nor can I. After the Rangers cut me it was either sign up here or get some lousy job like selling pharmaceuticals.
Gus: That’s a noble profession.

Cal: I gotta tell you, man, I would do anything to get back into the big leagues. I just feel like I got something left in the tank, you know?
Shawn: You bet your butt you do. And I’m gonna help you get back, Cal.
Gus: You are not a real coach.
Shawn: And you are not a real person.

Henry: Stealing the pants off a drunk guy for a urine sample? Really, Shawn?
Shawn: Hey hey hey. Look, for the record, he removed them himself. Okay? I just hooked them with a stick and then ran off as he tried to set Gus on fire. That guy parties hard.

Shawn: Hey! I am your coach. I am not the towel boy. I have my own windbreaker!

Gus: Last night you said, “Let’s steal this guy’s pants and the investigation will be over.”
Shawn: Look, just for the record, usually when I say that it turns out to be the case.

Gus: You know what really sucks? Being a classically-trained tap dancer that’s being forced to perform the macarena in front of a bunch of liquored-up townies while wearing a flea-infested Seabird suit.
Shawn: Since when are you classically-trained at anything?

Shawn: Man, I believed in you.
Cal: You believed in me?
Shawn: That’s right. Because I believe in a lot of things. I believe in fresh tennis balls, the healing power of bunnies. And that the novels of Susan Sontag are something I’ll never read. In fact, I don’t even know who Susan Sontag is. What is she, like a painter? I believe in Crystal Light, because I believe in me! I believe in the movies of Val Kilmer, though these days it ain’t so easy. I believe in Darren Sproles. The word “dabble,” the first season of Silk Stalkings, and big, warm, moist, gooey chocolate chip cookies that melt in your mouth and all over your face. Finally, I believe that you secretly tried to drug Izzy so that you could steal his playing time, you son of a bitch.
Cal: Oh my. That was a stupid speech.
Shawn: Can you deny it?
Cal: Let me tell you something, Shawn. First of all, Izzy doesn’t need any help getting into trouble, okay? Secondly, if I was cheating, I wouldn’t be stuck in A-ball.

Mel: Since when did you chew tobacco?
Shawn: I don’t. This is all pretzel, my friend.

Mel: You have any updates for me?
Shawn: Let’s just say I’m zeroing in on a suspect.
Mel: Okay, good. ‘Cause I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this charade.
Shawn: All season.

Shawn: Hey, ump! I need a time.
Umpire: Time! {Shawn runs out to the mound}
Mel: Hey! You can’t do that.
Henry in the stands: Oh this can’t be good.
Well this is something you rarely see. The pitcher is getting a visit from the hitting coach.

Cal: What the hell are you doing?
Shawn: Cal. Dammit man, I’m so sorry. That was wrong to accuse you of trying to sabotage Izzy. The whole time, it’s been Ricky. Yeah, he’s trying to get Izzy back for sleeping with his wife.
Cal: Ricky isn’t married.
Shawn: You sure about that? He was awful lovey dovey at the bar the other night with that smokin’ hot filthy, slutty blonde in the red.
Rodriguez: Hey, that’s my wife.

Player: What’s going on?
Rodriguez: Ricky’s sleeping with my wife.
Shawn: And Izzy too. Possibly. That’s an issue for another time.

Commentator: This has got to be the weirdest mound meeting I have ever seen.

Commentator: Well folks in all my years, this is a first. A bench-clearing brawl consisting of one team.

Mel: I’m getting too old for this crap.
Shawn: I guess now’s not the best time for me to talk about pinch hitting?

Neil Stillman (Matt Kaminsky): By the way, I don’t know who you are, but you’re fired.
Shawn: I’m the new hitting coach.
Stillman: No, this {indicates Boggs} is the new hitting coach.
Shawn: That’s Wade Boggs. Oh my god!

Shawn: Do you have any idea what this man has accomplished? For seventeen seasons, he ate chicken before every single game.
Boggs: I also won five batting titles and was a twelve-time allstar.
Gus: Grilled or crispy?
Boggs: Very funny.
Shawn: No. Gus never kids around about food.
Gus: Nope.
Boggs: Mostly crispy.
Gus: Wow. That’s impressive.
Shawn: See what I’m saying?
Gus: Wow.

Shawn: Dude, check it out. I stole Wade Boggs’ belt.
Gus: Why?
Shawn: Because he’s Wade Boggs.

Mel: I wanted to give him a piece of my mind. I’ll admit that. But I never found him. Hey, you guys gotta believe me.
Lassiter: We don’t.

Shawn: Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound?
Henry: Yes I do. Now that I’ve said it out loud.

Woody: I also embalmed Sparky Anderson. One of my thrills.

Cal: So I see I’ve gone from being your idol back to cold-blooded killer, huh?
Shawn: Just like O.J. and Jamie Farr.
Cal: Jamie Farr never killed anyone, Shawn.
Shawn: You’re so naive.

Shawn: I will never doubt you again. Dammit Cal!
Cal: Oh, I wish that was true.

Shawn as Seabird Gus: What’s happenin’, baby?
Afternoon, Mr. Guster.
Shawn: Ah. Did you hear about Pluto?

Gus: I know you think that I know stuff, but I can assure you, that I don’t. In fact, if you promise not to shoot, I can take you to the guy who really knows stuff. And then you can shoot him. In fact, I may help you.

Stillman: Why aren’t you in Oakland, Eason?
Cal: I was gearing up for the game and something kept eating at me. Mel couldn’t have hit Izzy because he bats right-handed. Came back on a hunch, turns out I was right.
Gus: And all you brought was a baseball bat?
Cal: I said it was a hunch. Give me a break.

Stillman: I can’t shoot Wade Boggs.
Boggs: Chicken! {Stillman runs off until Henry clotheslines him}
Shawn: Nice, Dad!
Henry: Wade Boggs! I’m a giant fan.
Cal: I’m never coming back here.
Henry: Hey, Wade, when’s Steve Garvey getting in the Hall of Fame?
Shawn: Fair question. That’s fair.