Psych Shawn Spencer

Season 6

2011.10.12    

Shawn Rescues Darth Vader

Present Day

Shawn Spencer (James Roday): Alright, I’m in. Describe the item.
Burton “Gus” Guster (Dulé Hill): Really? You’ve forgotten already?
Shawn: I’m sorry. I thought I was busy James Bonding it up in here, Gus.
Gus: It’s a Star Wars toy, Shawn. Easy as that. We went through this. Twice.

Gus: Are you playing with the toys?
Shawn: Dude, this kid has Mattel Electronics Football 2. The one where you can throw passes. {to the game} Suck it, hyphen.

Gus: What happened?
Shawn: You want the good news or the bad news?
Gus: What do you think?
Shawn: “I am not your mother!”
Gus: He didn’t say that, Shawn. What’s the bad news?
Shawn: Drive!

Shawn: I’m seeing a woman!
Lassiter: Really? Can you tell me her name? Or is it a secret?
Shawn: A dead woman.

Shawn: So they just bust out immunity and that’s it?
Gus: They just did.
Shawn: Awesome. Put that on my bucket list.
Gus: Before or after invisible plane?

Juliet: Well?
Lassiter: Well what?
Juliet: Well don’t you think you owe me an apology?
Lassiter: You know what? You’re right? I’m sorry. I’m sorry for expecting a little bit of honesty out of you.
Juliet: Ugh. We’re still on that?
Lassiter: Still on what?
Shawn: Hey guys, what’s going on?
Juliet: Okay, fine. I am seeing Shawn. We have been dating for awhile. We kept it from you. Does that make you happy?
Lassiter: Happy’s not the word. I think we need to see the chief.
Juliet: Oh, okay, so now you want to tell on us?
Lassiter: Actually, O’Hara, I think we need to see the chief about getting me a new partner. One I can trust.

Henry Spencer (Corbin Bernsen): My son needs my help. I think he bit off a bit too much this time.
Woody (Kurt Fuller): You don’t have to tell me. I know Gus well.
Henry: Shawn.
Woody: Him too. Never thought of them as brothers though. Bit of a game changer.

Shawn: Wait. Can’t. Don’t think immunity works in the wrong direction.

Gus: You stole a key from a kid?
Shawn: Come on, Gus, that was no kid. That was the product of centuries of inbreeding.

Ambassador Fanshawe (Malcolm McDowell): I’d like to hire you.
Gus: You can’t do that.
Fanshawe: Why?
Gus: We think you did it.
Shawn: Do not.
Gus: Did before.
Shawn: Dude, that was like half an hour ago.

Fanshawe: Where are you getting your accents from?
Shawn: I don’t know, the usual places, I guess. Peter Pan. Geico gecko. Phineas and Ferb’s granddad.
Fanshawe: Is there any of them that don’t come from animated characters?
Shawn: Not really. Does Russell Brand count?

Shawn: We also have evidence that Annabeth York had new evidence regarding this case.
Lassiter: We do?
Shawn: I didn’t tell you that? Yeah. Yeah, I divined that she was killed because she was very close to identifying the murderer.
Lassiter: Thanks for sharing, Spencer. Man, you really put the “me” in team.

Shawn: Look, I’m strongly sensing it’s not her.
Juliet: Her DNA was all over the body.
Lassiter: And she immediately invoked immunity.
Shawn
: You’d use it if you could get it. It’s more addictive than little crack nuggets.
Gus: And House Hunters International.

Gus: That woman wears loyalty like a micro-miniskirt.
Shawn: What?

Shawn: We just wanted to talk to you, Dude.
Colin Hennessey: Then why were you shouting, I’ll shoot you repeatedly in the skull when I catch you”?
Gus: That was me. I was going to shoot him.

Lassiter: One more question.
Shawn: If it’ll make you happy.
Lassiter: I think it will. Are you psychic?
Shawn: Excuse me?
Lassiter: Are you—Shawn Spencer—psychic?
Henry: You’re gonna have to answer that one, Shawn.

Lassiter: I’ve known you for six years, Spencer. I know your little act. You do your little dance, you beat polygraph machines. You always manage to guess the right culprit after missing the first four or five times. You whip that hair around and fall over every reasonable girl that Guster hasn’t unsuccessfully hit on already. And now, you’ve made your ay to O’Hara.
Shawn: What? Oh come on, it’s not like that.
Lassiter: When I first met you, you outted my relationship with my former partner. Who I really liked by the way. Got her transferred. That doesn’t matter now. My point is: if you don’t treat O’Hara with the respect she deserves or if you hurt hr in any way I will discharge my pistol.
Shawn: You’re saying you’ll shoot me.
Lassiter: Repeatedly. {the lie detector concurs}

1991

Young Shawn (Skyler Gisondo): The answer is… No.
Henry: Wrong again. Shawn, I knew you were lying. You have to believe the lie. Don’t sweat it. Feel your heart.
Young Shawn: Dad, this feels a little unethical.
Henry: Trust me, Shawn, there will come a day—unfortunately—when this might be necessary. Perhaps you’ll be working undercover. Though most likely not. Now answer the questions again. But this time, first, breathe.
Young Shawn: “No.”
Henry: Perfect.

View all quotes from Shawn rescues Darth Vader

Last Night Gus

Shawn: Please explain to me again we’re doing here. As opposed to doing anything else in the world.
Gus: We’re paying respects to a man who dedicated his life’s work the police department, Shawn.
Shawn: Oh please! You don’t know Jim.

Woody: Hey guys. When’s the pinata coming out?
Shawn: I don’t know if there is a pinata.
Woody: Oh. I was told this was a party.

Juliet: Okay, well as fun as this is I think I’m gonna scoot.
Shawn: No!
Gus: You’re leaving? What about Jim?
Juliet: I don’t even know Jim. Plus I have to work on the D.A.’s case. Lassiter and I have to testify in court tomorrow.
Gus: Lassiter’s still here.
Juliet: Lassiter’s sleeping.

Gus: Oh, they’re both for me.
Shawn: You don’t have enough game for half of one of those women.
Gus: Please. I’ve got game.

Gus: What happened last night?
Shawn: Strangely, I have no idea. Wait. {he gets a lot of spinning images} Nothing. Weird. Disjointed. My finger-to-eyebrow device is broken. It’s never happened to me before. My memory is completely blank.
Gus: Shawn, why is there a shower cap on your head?
Shawn: I’m sure there’s a very easy explanation to this.
Gus: Is there a very easy explanation as to why you’re wearing sandals that aren’t yours?
Shawn: Where are my Nike’s?
Gus: And why are you wearing a gold chain, Shawn?

Lassiter: Oh dear Lord, please tell me this is a dream.
Woody waking up: Calm down. Peaches. Come back to bed.
Lassiter: Whatever you think happened last night didn’t happen, because nothing happened you got it?
Shawn: That’s nice, Lassie. Way to belittle the man.
Woody: Yeah, Detective. I do have feelings.
Gus: What is all over your face?
Woody: I can’t be sure. {checks} Oh god. You didn’t see a small Colombian with a hook for an arm, did you?
Gus: No.
Woody: Why do you have a black eye?
Lassiter: Okay. It’s nothing to freak about. Everybody relax. It’s no big deal, it’s just a small shiner.
Shawn: Lassie’s absolutely right. His lover’s spat with Woody is really none of our business.

Shawn: Uh oh.
Lassiter: My baby! Son of a— . It’s missing three bullets. I can tell by the weight. It’s three light. It’s been fired.
Gus: Shouldn’t someone start freaking out right now?

Gus: Okay. If no one else is going to freak out, then I will. {he freaks out}.
Shawn: It’s just a minor ding, buddy. You can only see it because the sun’s hitting at that angle. Isn’t that right, Woody?
Woody: I don’t feel right inside.

Chief Vick: Detective Lassiter, why are you wearing sunglasses at an autopsy?
Lassiter: I—
Shawn: Chief, if I may. Lassie spoke to us all about a week ago about wearing sunglasses to all autopsies moving forward to show respect for the dead. I simply forgot. And Gus refused because he has no value for human life.

Lassiter: Plus I’ve got Shawn and Gus to help me.
Juliet: I’m sorry. You’re requesting to work with Shawn and Gus? What is going on? And please take those sunglasses off.
Lassiter: You put some sunglasses on!

Juliet: Shawn I didn’t get any sleep last night. Aren’t you going to say anything about the phone call you made to me? It’s kind of a huge deal.
Shawn: Phone call… Yes. Of course. Obviously. It is huge, isn’t it?
Juliet: Does Gus know about this?
Shawn: Why… wouldn’t he? Something of this magnitude.

Lassiter: Okay, I think I’m going to turn myself in.
Shawn: What, for spooning with Woody?

Shawn: Lassie, I need you to look inwards. Take a swim in Lake You. See what you see. We can do this.
Lassiter: Spencer, I can’t survive without the facts. I don’t know what happened last night. I’ve never lost control of my faculties in my life.
Woody: Me neither. Unless I’m being tickled. Then all bets are off.
Shawn: What about me, fellahs? I’m not having any psychic visions. Flashbacks or recreation flashbacks. Or recreation flashbacks with new psychic visions! I mean imagine you weren’t just a plain, gangly average human, huh?. That you could wink at someone and light up their world! That you could make a child think that you have given them an ice cream cone without giving them the cone! And then watch them skip off into a beautiful meadow licking nothing but air! Imagine that!

Gus: Shawn was wearing the dead man’s sandals!
Shawn: Huh. I was hoping you guys didn’t notice that.

Shawn: I am sensing that our victim was some kind of stalker.
Lassiter: Stalker?
Shawn: Yeah, I get a vision. Of a blonde woman. Attractive, in a soccer mom sort of way. Kind of Teri Garr-esque.

Lassiter: Okay. First off, I didn’t realize peyote stayed in your system so many years. I have only myself and my then-girlfriend Lollypop to blame. Secondly, Guster, your cholesterol is really high!
Shawn: Man, I told you eating something called “stick of butter in a bun” was a bad idea.
Gus: I can’t help it, Shawn. My body craves buttery goodness.

Gus: Last Night Gus had some serious game.
Shawn: I’ll be damned, I think I owe you an apology.

Shawn: Good news. I know where we went when we left the bar last night. And Woody. You don’t have a cocaine problem.

Bobo’s Donuts: Come on. Look at me. Does it look like I’m going around trying to bed a bunch of Desperate Housewive-types? Like that’s my thing. ‘Cause they can’t get enough of this.
Shawn: I’m drawn to you in a weird sort of way.
Gus: Maybe they recognized you from Children of the Corn.
Bobo’s Donuts: Maybe they recognized you from The Cosby Show, Bud.
Gus: I’m not Bud!

Shawn: This is good, this feels good. This is great! We finally have a handle on what happened last night.
Hey! You killed Bobo!
Shawn: Or, there could still be a few details floating around out there.

Lassiter: Hello?
Woody: Guten tag.
Lassiter: There’s been another body.
Woody: I just got verified on Twitter.
Shawn: Oh, that’s nice. Good for you.
Woody: Thanks.

Chief Vick: This is Scott Williams. Age 44. Caucasian. Found dead in his car off San Viejo Drive.
Gus: That’s right down the block from Bobo’s Donuts!
Chief Vick: What bearing does that have, Mr. Guster?
Shawn: Fun fact. Gus is making a book of them.

Juliet: You asked me to move in with you.
Shawn: Lassiter killed Williams.
Juliet: Lassiter killed Williams?
Shawn: Move in? We’ve only been together for like four months.
Juliet: Again: Lassiter killed this man?
Shawn: I don’t think he did. Not anymore.

Shawn: I’m not keeping it from you, I just don’t remember what happened. I expect someone to come around every corner and say, “Not you again.”

Juliet: So if you technically don’t remember asking me, do you still want to move in?
Shawn: Are you kidding me? Of course I do. Of course. Why else would I be shrink-wrapping all my old sweaters to make room in the closet for yours?
Juliet: I just think you like to shrink-wrap things.
Shawn: That’s true.

Shawn: Remember when we talked about inside voice?
Gus: I’m using my inside voice.
Shawn: Okay, now it’s time to learn about no voice.

Shawn: I have a very strong vision about another place we may have been last night. This one does not involve food, so please bring snacks if you are peckish.

Chief Vick: Excuse me, may I help you?
Ed Lover: My beef ain’t with you, lady. I need to talk to these two cats right here.
Shawn: Mother of God.
Gus: It’s Ed Lover.
Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, what is Ed Lover doing in my office?

Ed Lover: I guess your mother never taught you about taking another grown ass man’s bling.
Gus: Wait, that’s your bling?
Ed Lover: That’s my brand, playa.
Gus: Dude, you took Ed Lover’s bling?
Shawn: I would never do that, I swear!
Ed Lover: Come on, son. You know damn well you swiped my ultra bright while I was on the dance floor gettin’ my freak on.

Henry: Who the hell is Ed Lover?
Shawn and Gus: Come on, son!
Shawn: I apologize for my dad’s life.

Chief Vick: Listen, Mr. Guster, we’re all happy that you can manage to captivate the honeys, or whatever it is. But right now, you are on my time.
Gus: Can you hold on one sec? {to the chief} Actually, Chief, I’m on my time. I almost lost my life an hour ago, and I’m sick of it. Last Night Gus had it right. And I don’t want to sit here wasting another moment when I could be living the life I was meant to live: balling and shot-calling. So if you don’t mind, I’m gonna keep it one hundie and take this call.
Shawn: Buddy—
Gus: Sorry, Shawn.
It’s hard out there for a pimp.
Shawn: That’s true, Chief. He’s gotta make money for the rent.

Shawn: That’s the girl! That’s the girl from the bar last night that Gus supposedly hooked up with. Only younger and cuter and less murderer-y. Oh man, that means Last Night Gus did not have the game he thought he did.

Shawn about Bobo: It’s not really gender specific, isn’t it?

Juliet: Look. I don’t want the future us to be dictated by something that Last Night Shawn said. So if you can look me in the eye and tell me that Today Shawn definitely wants to move in… That’s what I thought.
Shawn: No, I was about to say yes.
Juliet: No, you weren’t.
Shawn: I was. I was just going to use an accent and I was waffling between Scottish and Gaelic. And the differences are very subtle.
Juliet: It’s fine. The fact that any version of Shawn wanted to move in is…
Shawn: Minty?
Juliet: I was going to say romantic.
Shawn: Really? So you’re not terribly disappointed in me?
Juliet: Look, I’m just saying that it doesn’t have to happen right now, today. Does that make sense?
Shawn: I understand. You’re an incredible slob. A hoarder, right? You just live amidst stacks and stacks of periodicals and… taxidermy? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?

View all quotes from Last Night Gus

This Episode Sucks

Shawn: Listen, Jules. Just don’t beat yourself up. You can’t possibly be expected to control whether or not Gus and I surreptitiously follow you after you get a call during breakfast.
Juliet: But I specifically told you not to follow.
Shawn to Gus: She said farrow.
Juliet: Farrow is not a word. I said follow. {to Gus} He knows I said follow.
Gus: I wasn’t there, but farrow is most definitely a word. It means to birth a calf or a litter of pigs.
Juliet: Okay, fine. Why would I ask Shawn not to birth a calf or a litter of pigs?
Gus: I don’t know.

Lassiter: Please tell me why they’re at my crime scene.
Shawn: Lassie, it’s not her fault. She told me not to follow her and I thought she told me not to be pregnant with swine.

Shawn: That dude’s awfully pale.
Gus: Abnormally pale. Especially since he’s only been dead for—
Shawn: Check the neck. Check the wrist.

Shawn: Gus. No blood. Puncture wounds.
Gus: Abnormally pale. What? Do it! Do it! Or better yet, let me do it. I’ll do it!
Shawn: Settle down. You’re not gonna do it. I wish I had a bigger audience.

Shawn: What we’re up against here is no mere mortal. I’m afraid this very well may be the work {dramatic pause} of a vampire.
Gus: Sookie is mine!
Juliet ignoring them: What are you thinking, partner?
Lassiter: Actually I’m going to have to go with Spencer on this one.

Shawn: You know, you weren’t nearly this pumped when we thought we were chasing a werewolf.
Gus: I’m not trying to get devoured by a hairy famished beast, Shawn. But I will whip me some lithe, wispy vampire ass.

Shawn: Necrobutcher!
Woody: Ryan Phillipe.
Shawn: We’re trying out pet names. Yours is Baloney.

Gus: Woody, in your professional opinion, is it possible that this person was the victim of a vampire attack?
Juliet: Don’t dignify that with a response.
Woody: I wasn’t planning on it.
Shawn: Is it possible?
Woody: Most likely, yes.
Juliet: Woody!
Woody: It’s a given, really.

Shawn: Look around. You’re the fish out of water here.
Juliet: Because they’re all pretending to be dead, Shawn.
Shawn: Or perhaps it is us who pretend to be alive.

Gus: Charlatan!
Bartender: Look who’s talking. Count Chocula over here. Please.
Gus: Charlatan? You must be out of your damn mind!
Shawn: What did I tell you? No one remembers Blacula except for us and Quentin Tarantino.

Juliet: Carlton, what exactly is going on here?
Lassiter: I suppose I do owe you an explanation, partner. I owe you two nothing and you look like a couple of asshats in those ridiculous costumes.
Shawn: I’m dangerous. In a sexy way.
Marlowe: More like a gay way.
Gus: Well I’m straight-up iconic.
Marlowe: I wouldn’t call Count Chocula an icon.

Shawn: Hold up. Will King Putt honor an expired two-for-one Groupon: yes or no?
Gus: Shawn! This is serious. Listen, on the third hole I usually
putt up the right side, bank through the rubber bumpers, but I still keep getting nailed by the swinging mammaries.
Lucien: Those aren’t mammaries. They’re the bells on the end of a jester’s cap.
Gus and Shawn: Really?
Lucien: Yes. It’s putt-putt. For kids.

Shawn: Edward has entered the building.
Juliet: What? Where?
Shawn: It’s a classic shifting technique. It was incognito man-to-animal maneuver.
Gus: If that’s correct, it looks like we may be dealing with an Elder or even worse—a diablerie.
Shawn: No!
Gus: Yes!

Juliet: God, I used to be a detective, now i’m a babysitter!
Shawn: That makes you Elizabeth Shue. Gus is Keith Coogan.
Gus: You’re Coogan!
Shawn: You’re Coogan!
Gus: Your momma’s Coogan.

Shawn: Did I just see what my brain is telling my eyes I just saw?
Gus: Is that a cape?

Gus: Mr. Spencer, if I may. What we’re looking at is someone capable of vamp speed. Or present-space quantum leap.
Shawn: Blacula gives a shout-out to Bakula.

Shawn: Come on, Lassie! Let the Right Ones In, buddy!
Gus: Unless you’re already undead!
Shawn: In which case, would you kindly impale yourself with a wooden stake!
Lassiter: Spencer! Guster, go away!
Juliet: Carlton, open the door!
Lassiter: O’Hara?
Henry: Give us some sort of signal you’re okay. A cough or a thump of some kind!
Lassiter: Henry?
Buzz: Should I call for the battering ram?
Lassiter: McNab!

Shawn: Come on, let’s hug it out.
Lassiter: I would rather learn to play the harp.
Shawn: Okay.

Juliet: Is he responsive at all?
Shawn: No. Nothing. We even held a plate of bean and cheese nachos in front of his face.
Henry: How much blood was it exactly, Shawn?
Shawn: Just a little stream! It’s not like it was the end of Carrie. Or the beginning of Carrie.

Shawn: Alright, listen up buddy. This hurts me way more than it hurts you. {Shawn winds up and Gus punches him. Hard.}
Henry: Welcome back, Guster.

Gus: I’m hungry like a mug.
Shawn: You’re hungry like a what?

Shawn: O negative!
Ron: You what?
Doctor: How did you know his blood type?
Shawn: It’s a special gift that I bust out on rare occasions. And almost all the time.

Shawn: I need a diversion. Slip a disk or pee yourself. {Gus gets up and feigns back pain} Doctor, my friend has peed himself.

Shawn: Hey, Lassie. I just wanted to say, you know, that the sea is vast. And filled with many strange creatures. And corals. Mostly divorced corals. Probably with a bunch of kids. And they’re just looking for any old crustacean with a steady income, so—
Lassiter: Sorry, Spencer. No time for your empty, bone-headed musings. I’m late for an appointment.

View all quotes from This Episode Sucks

The Amazing Psych-Man & Tap Man, Issue #2

1991

Young Shawn: Where’s your costume?
Young Gus: I’m wearing it. I’m Tap Man. The tap-dancing super hero.
Young Shawn: Yeech. How is it that you always make the wrong choice between cool and stupid?

Young Shawn: Are you sure no one can tell my true identity under this?
Henry: For your sake, let’s hope so.

Present Day

Shawn: Stop! Freeze! SBPD!
Gus: This is all your fault, Shawn.
Shawn: You’re the one that blew my cover.
Gus: No one told you to open the car door and set off the alarm.
Shawn: Why was the alarm on? We were still inside the car.
Gus: Inside the car not getting car-jacked and brutalized, thank you very much.

Shawn: This is the last time I let you use your fast-twitch muscles as an excuse for anything!
Gus: You and I both know that’s not true.
Shawn: Dammit.

Shawn: Looks like somebody got to these guys before we did. {He finds a note} “The Mantis.”

Spinny Headline: Masked Stranger Saves the Day Again / Psychic Detective Spencer Trips
Gus: See? It’s easy to read no matter how you spin it. I’m telling you, I’ll never buy a real paper again.
Shawn: I can’t believe you told them I tripped. You tripped.

Chief Vick: Vigilantism is a dangerous act. The art of apprehending criminals should be left to the police officers who have been adequately trained and equipped.
Reginald: Well then why does Detective Lassiter’s report say that the police consultant failed to apprehend the four suspects because he was quote, “Woefully out-of-shape”?
Shawn: I have a comment! I was tripped by my clumsy assistant, Watson Williams.
Gus: I am not your assistant and my name is not Watson Williams.
Shawn: Oh. But you do admit to tripping me.

Shawn: Sounds like you want to give this weirdo some kind of medal.
Juliet: Shawn, often times vigilantes are just good people who want to take back their neighborhood from a bad element.
Shawn: Sure. Charles Bronson. Real charmer. Eastwood in Gran Torino. There’s a guy you wanna hop in the tub with.

Juliet: You have to admit, he’s done a better job than we have of slowing down the Caminos, and he’s just one guy.
Shawn: I’m just one guy. And I’ve solved more crimes than I can count. Because I’ve solved a lot of crimes. Not just because I can’t count very high.

Shawn: Thanks a lot, Benedict Arnold Jackson.
Gus: I know what this is about. You’re jealous of all the attention The Mantis is getting. Especially from Juliet.
Shawn: Please. You think I care if Juliet gives another guy a little attention. How insecure do you think I am? {beat} Seriously. How insecure do you think I am?

Shawn: It’s on, Mantis!
Gus: I’m not The Mantis, Shawn.
Shawn: You’re damn right you’re not. You could never be The Mantis.
Gus: You’ve got problems.

October 26

Gus: Whoever this brother is, he’s going to be hard to spot.
Shawn: You can’t just assume he’s a brother because he’s all mysterious and smooth.
Gus: You’ll see. He’s either a brother or Persian.
Shawn: I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.

Shawn: That’s quite a grip you have there, Scott. You must work out.
Scott Reynolds (Joey McIntyre): A little.
Shawn: Nah. Come on now. Feels like more than just a little. Doesn’t it, Gus?
Gus: Shawn.
Shawn: Feel it.
Gus: I’m not feeling it.
Shawn: Feel the man’s fitness.

Gus: So what do we do next?
Shawn: I should probably go throw some lunch meat at the guys in the drunk tank.
Gus: After we prove he’s The Mantis?
Shawn: No, we do that first.

Shawn: First. I used a classic combat distraction mode.
Gus: You went boneless, didn’t you?
Shawn: I used my entire body as a weapon. After an epic—very evenly matched fight—he sucker-punched me. I woke up with the fire alarm blaring, wearing that ridiculous painted-on costume, which means… he saw me in my underwear.
Gus: You mean like on Diff’rent Strokes?
Shawn: Yes, Gus. Just like Diff’rent Strokes.
Gus: That’s not cool.

Reynolds: Listen, man. I’m sorry I acted all weird earlier. I’m just not used to getting hit on.
Shawn: You’re not… what?
Reynolds: Look, I’m flattered. But I don’t shoot that way.

Shawn: Hm. No bite marks, no scratches. And you have a tattoo of a bull mastiff.
Reynolds: That’s my Nana.
Shawn: Is she pretending to be a bull mastiff? Ah. I bet she’s stopping traffic in Heaven.
Reynolds: She’s not dead!
Shawn: Good talk.

Shawn: We’re dealing with a fake bust. The Mantis is padding his resumé and possibly his costume.

Juliet: His voice is really deep.
Shawn: I’ve heard deeper.
Gus: Really?

The Mantis: I also have reason to believe that a huge drug shipment to the Caminos is imminent.
Shawn: Ha! We already know that one. Suck it!
Juliet: Shawn, we’re all professionals.
The Mantis: Oh yeah? You suck it!
Shawn: You suck it! What kind of man takes off another man’s pants in a smokey boiler room? I’m on to all your little tricks, man.

Spinny Headline: The Mantis Wanted for Murder / Police on Citywide Manhunt
Shawn: Wow! Now I can read the newspaper and listen to my movie score play list at the same time.

Shawn: I guess I’m just a little giddy now that my nemesis has been exposed for the fraud that he was. And yes, I realize using the term “giddy” is a bit facetious, because the truth is, I am tickled pink.

Shawn: Look, we can’t find him. Unless we blast the Mantis Light into the sky, which would be pretty stupid, right? Because the mantis looks like a little stick that walks around.
Gus: You’re thinking of a walking stick.

Shawn: “Could not remove stain on sleeve.” Well, I could have told him that. Nothing gets out motor oil. Especially not more motor oil. Which I tried.

Gus: We’re here actually to help— Pow!
Shawn: Clear your— Bam!
Gus: Because we know— Oof!
Shawn: We know that you were— Leg swipe!
Gus: Cozened!— Slam!
Shawn: Nobody knows what cozened means. Slam!
Gus: Cozen is a fairly common word, Shawn.
Shawn: Why can’t you just be a normal person and say—
Gus: Framed? “We know you were framed”?
Reginald: You do?
Gus: Yeah.

Reginald: It’s amazing. Nobody’s gotten this close to figuring out who I actually am. Your psychic powers are amazing.
Shawn: Gus, we have to help him. He’s a good man.

Reginald: Yeah, I don’t know guys. I mean it’s one thing to fight one on four, but if we actually do find their distribution center it’s gonna be more like one on ten.
Shawn: What if you had help?

Gang Member: It’s The Mantis!
Shawn: The Catch.
Gus: And Tap-Man!

Gus: Shawn, I thought you said we were going to just scare them away. They don’t seem scared to me.
Shawn: That’s because you just went up on your toes and started dancing!

Shawn: The Catch is an impenetrable wall, Gus. And he will smack the mess out of you with this mitt.
Gus: Please.

Lassiter: Spencer, why are you wearing that ridiculous get-up? What are you supposed to be, anyway? The Turtle?
Shawn: I’m The Catch. Though I might have to borrow The Turtle if The Catch is already taken. That’s not bad, The Turtle.

Juliet: He really deserves all the credit.
Lassiter: I wouldn’t say that. Not that it isn’t true,
I just wouldn’t say it.
Shawn: Oh come on. You might like it if you try it.
Lassiter: I would rather spend the rest of my life at Lillith Fair.

Shawn: This was never about honor or justice. Or even Presidential fitness. You just wanted to take down the Caminos so you could steal their dirty money.
Reginald: I gotta say I’m impressed. You figured it out.

Shawn: The Catch can not be stopped! {he runs off}
Juliet: What? Where are you going? Shawn?
Gus: Dagnabit, Shawn.

Shawn: Give me those sleeves!
Gus: Make me.

View all quotes from The Amazing Psych-Man & Tap Man, Issue #2

Dead Man’s Curveball

1991

Young Shawn: Hey Cal. Someday I’m going to be just like you. Well, not just like you. I won’t chew tobacco, that’s murder on the gums. And I’ll get a different haircut. Not that yours is that bad. It just won’t work my head, you know? And, ah, I definitely won’t grab my crotch so much during games. It’s weird.

Present Day

Shawn: What do you have, doll’s eyes?
Henry: You mocking me?!
Shawn: No, I am stating a fact. You need glasses. Last week you mistook me for Michael Chiklis!
Henry: That’s because you were dressed like Michael Chiklis!
Shawn: First of the month. Gus and I play The Commish. You know that!

Henry: Pick it up!
Shawn: Suck it!
Henry: Out! Get out!
Shawn: Suck home plate!
Henry: You suck it!

Mel Hornsby (Danny Glover): Look at you. Former bat boy, all grown up.
Shawn: Gus, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Mel Hornsby. Manager of the Seabirds.
Gus: Oh wow. That sounds like the coolest job ever.
Shawn: It’s a minor league baseball team. Not the actual birds.
Gus: Oh.

Shawn: We’ll help you, Mel. But in order for me to investigate properly I’m going to have to get on the inside. I mea deep on the inside.
Mel: I’m not making you my shortstop.
Shawn: Third baseman. Utility infielder? Lefty situational reliever?
Gus: You’re right-handed, Shawn.

Gus: I’m not dressing up as that mascot again. That was humiliating.
Shawn: Oh come on, Gus. You killed it, man. Didn’t you hear the crowd go nuts when you did the Worm?
Gus: That wasn’t the Worm.
Shawn: I’m sorry, the Centipede.
Gus: It wasn’t the Centipede either. I was dealing with an itch on my stomach. I think that suit has fleas.

Shawn: Oo! Macadamias.
Gus: I’m pretty sure those are old chickpeas.
Shawn: Why would he leave those out!
Gus: Because he’s dead.
Shawn: That’s no excuse, Gus.

Shawn: Oh look, Gus. Grady really did coach with some of the greats. It’s a picture of him and Tito Jackson in a baseball uniform.
Gus: That’s Rod Carew.
Shawn: Agree to disagree.

Gus: Are you feeling okay?
Shawn: Actually I feel pretty terrific. Like super duper focused.
Gus: Why are you staring at my ear?
Shawn: I don’t know, but I can’t take my eyes off it.
Gus: Why are you talking so fast?
Shawn: Why are you hearing so slow?

Gus: Shawn, enough. I need you to focus right now.
Shawn: Buddy, I’m not sure I’m capable of anything else. I’m locked in your ear again.

Shawn: Dad, who wears number 42?
Henry: Izzy Jackson. Organization’s top prospect. Signed a massive contract last year.
Shawn: Sweet! Let’s go. {he runs off}
Henry: How long until this stuff wears off?
Gus: Hopefully in about half an hour.

Gus: Wait a second. Izzy’s taking greenies. Don’t they test for that stuff?
Shawn: Yeah. But it’s pretty easy to get around those tests.
Gus: How?
Shawn: I can pass one tomorrow by simply taking some of your urine, putting it in a cup, and swapping it out with my urine.
Gus: I would not let you touch my urine.
Shawn: Oh, you’re not the friend I thought you were.

Shawn: Gus, don’t be Pete Rose’s haircut.

Izzy: Listen Shawn, don’t take this the wrong way but I’m on a bit of a hot streak of late. I don’t want you coming in, messing with my swing. Because I have a tendency to over think things.
Shawn: That surprises me.

Cal Eason (Michael Trucco): It’s never wise to mess with a drunk idiot, Shawn. You should know that.
Shawn: Oh man, are you a sight for sore eyes, Cal. Man, I can’t believe you’re back here playing for the Seabirds.
Cal: Yeah, nor can I. After the Rangers cut me it was either sign up here or get some lousy job like selling pharmaceuticals.
Gus: That’s a noble profession.

Cal: I gotta tell you, man, I would do anything to get back into the big leagues. I just feel like I got something left in the tank, you know?
Shawn: You bet your butt you do. And I’m gonna help you get back, Cal.
Gus: You are not a real coach.
Shawn: And you are not a real person.

Henry: Stealing the pants off a drunk guy for a urine sample? Really, Shawn?
Shawn: Hey hey hey. Look, for the record, he removed them himself. Okay? I just hooked them with a stick and then ran off as he tried to set Gus on fire. That guy parties hard.

Shawn: Hey! I am your coach. I am not the towel boy. I have my own windbreaker!

Gus: Last night you said, “Let’s steal this guy’s pants and the investigation will be over.”
Shawn: Look, just for the record, usually when I say that it turns out to be the case.

Shawn: Man, I believed in you.
Cal: You believed in me?
Shawn: That’s right. Because I believe in a lot of things. I believe in fresh tennis balls, the healing power of bunnies. And that the novels of Susan Sontag are something I’ll never read. In fact, I don’t even know who Susan Sontag is. What is she, like a painter? I believe in Crystal Light, because I believe in me! I believe in the movies of Val Kilmer, though these days it ain’t so easy. I believe in Darren Sproles. The word “dabble,” the first season of Silk Stalkings, and big, warm, moist, gooey chocolate chip cookies that melt in your mouth and all over your face. Finally, I believe that you secretly tried to drug Izzy so that you could steal his playing time, you son of a bitch.
Cal: Oh my. That was a stupid speech.
Shawn: Can you deny it?
Cal: Let me tell you something, Shawn. First of all, Izzy doesn’t need any help getting into trouble, okay? Secondly, if I was cheating, I wouldn’t be stuck in A-ball.

Mel: Since when did you chew tobacco?
Shawn: I don’t. This is all pretzel, my friend.

Mel: You have any updates for me?
Shawn: Let’s just say I’m zeroing in on a suspect.
Mel: Okay, good. ‘Cause I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this charade.
Shawn: All season.

Cal: What the hell are you doing?
Shawn: Cal. Dammit man, I’m so sorry. That was wrong to accuse you of trying to sabotage Izzy. The whole time, it’s been Ricky. Yeah, he’s trying to get Izzy back for sleeping with his wife.
Cal: Ricky isn’t married.
Shawn: You sure about that? He was awful lovey dovey at the bar the other night with that smokin’ hot filthy, slutty blonde in the red.
Rodriguez: Hey, that’s my wife.

Player: What’s going on?
Rodriguez: Ricky’s sleeping with my wife.
Shawn: And Izzy too. Possibly. That’s an issue for another time.

Mel: I’m getting too old for this crap.
Shawn: I guess now’s not the best time for me to talk about pinch hitting?

Neil Stillman (Matt Kaminsky): By the way, I don’t know who you are, but you’re fired.
Shawn: I’m the new hitting coach.
Stillman: No, this {indicates Boggs} is the new hitting coach.
Shawn: That’s Wade Boggs. Oh my god!

Shawn: Do you have any idea what this man has accomplished? For seventeen seasons, he ate chicken before every single game.
Boggs: I also won five batting titles and was a twelve-time allstar.
Gus: Grilled or crispy?
Boggs: Very funny.
Shawn: No. Gus never kids around about food.
Gus: Nope.
Boggs: Mostly crispy.
Gus: Wow. That’s impressive.
Shawn: See what I’m saying?
Gus: Wow.

Shawn: Dude, check it out. I stole Wade Boggs’ belt.
Gus: Why?
Shawn: Because he’s Wade Boggs.

Cal: So I see I’ve gone from being your idol back to cold-blooded killer, huh?
Shawn: Just like O.J. and Jamie Farr.
Cal: Jamie Farr never killed anyone, Shawn.
Shawn: You’re so naive.

Shawn as Seabird Gus: What’s happenin’, baby?
Afternoon, Mr. Guster.
Shawn: Ah. Did you hear about Pluto?

View all quotes from Dead Man’s Curveball

Shawn, Interrupted

1991

Henry: Hey Shawn. How was your day?
Young Shawn: Oh, the usual. Well, I’m headed up to my room to play Legend of Zelda.
Henry: Got a call rom your school awhile ago.
Young Shawn: Uh. You did?
Henry: Mm hm. It was the nurse and she said—and I quote, “Shawn tried to get himself declared insane today.”
Young Shawn: Huh. That’s weird. Wow. I must have been in a weird fog or something. Well, the good news is I’m feeling much better now.
Henry: Ah ah ah. Shawn. It’s not that simple. Now your principal wants to have a discussion with me about putting you on Ritalin.
Young Shawn: Oh, that’s not necessary. Let’s consider this an isolated episode, okay? I’m home now, I’ll get some rest. We’ll pick this up tomorrow.
Henry: Didn’t you have your quarterly project due today?
Young Shawn: Ah… Did I? Like I said, everything was such a blur.
Henry: Kitchen table. Now.

Present Day

Shawn: Let me get this straight. Lassie solves a case without any help. And throws a party for himself to celebrate?
Juliet: I am proud of him. And I think that his hard work should be congratulated.
Gus: I’ll eat to that.
Shawn: You’ll eat to anything.
Gus: You know that’s right.

Shawn: For starters, he made that banner himself.
Gus: Yeah, but the craftsmanship more than offsets the megalomania, Shawn.
Shawn: Alright, fine. He put crime scene photos above the punchbowl.
Gus: It’s called theming.

Lassiter: I busted my ass to nail this guy and now he gets to stay in a cushy mental hospital talking about his feelings instead of rotting in prison, busting rocks and building the cross country railroad.
Shawn: Wow. They can sentence you to go back in time?

Shawn: Why would someone pretend to be insane?
Gus: So he doesn’t have to go to prison.
Shawn: Sold.

Henry: Shawn does have a way of… sensing the truth.
Gus: And he’s the only one of us who could actually pass for someone in need of institutionalization.
Shawn: I’ll take that as a compliment.
Gus: I wouldn’t.

Shawn: Don’t worry, Jules. I have a keen understanding for the inside of mental hospitals.
Juliet: Watching Girl, Interrupted six times doesn’t make you an expert.
Shawn: No, but seven does. Gus and I Netflixed it again last night.

Dr. Elliot (Gerard Plunkett): I’m in charge of pharmacology so I’ll make sure all your pills are sugar pills.
Shawn: Sweet. Literally.

Dr. Elliot: Your departmental profile suggests that the closest psychological identification for you would be narcissistic personality disorder.
Shawn: That’s a handsome disease.

Shawn: Dude, this place has electronic bidets. It’s like the Westin for insane people.

Nurse McElroy (Molly Ringwald): Tell us about yourself, Shawn.
Shawn: Well. They tell me I’ve got something called narcissistic personality disorder. But the truth is this lustrous hair and dimpled chin are merely chapter one. I’m a veritable cornucopia of high-octane maladies. Such as outrageous intelligence syndrome, huh? And a little obsessive successful disorder.
Nurse McElroy: Goodness. I’ve never encountered a patient who suffers from so many diseases that don’t exist.
Shawn: Well they exist where I come from.
Nurse McElroy: And where is that?
Shawn: The future.

Shawn: I’m like the ice cream man except I have barbiturates! Ha!

Shawn: Gus, there is one thing we have yet to consider.
Gus: What is that, Shawn?
Shawn: What if Bernie isn’t faking it at all.

Juliet: They have a pool here?
Shawn: Heated. And a gym with full nautilus. And a music room. And a leather tooling class. Spoiler alert: I’m making you a wallet.
Juliet: Oh my god. This is worse than my nightmare. You like it here.

Shawn: I gotta tell you, Bernie, I believe wholeheartedly that you are insane. Alright? Cuckoo. Six fat, sweet nuts to the wind.

Gus: That didn’t go the way you saw it in your head, did it?
Shawn: Not completely.

Shawn: Dude. Frank is stacked.

Shawn: How the hell did he get in?
Gus: You were supposed to check the house, Shawn.
Shawn: I wasn’t checking the house. You knew I was waiting over there to scare her.

View all quotes from Shawn, Interrupted

In for a Penny…

Chief Vick: So what’s the story with these guys?
Lassiter: This group of thieves hit West Medical Supply earlier this morning, made off with a couple dozen oxygen tanks.
Shawn: Because of the Great Oxygen Drought.
Gus: Hold your breath, people. Do your part.

Shawn: Okay, Jules. We’re nervous about three things. Gary Busey.
Gus: Gary Busey.
Shawn: And your thirtieth birthday bash!

Gus: “Not presentable”. What does that mean?
Shawn: I’ll tell you what it means. Juliet has a problem and, as the man, it’s my job to fix it.
Gus: I don’t think that’s what it means.

Frank O’Hara (William Shatner): You don’t look like Tito Nagasaki and Bob Jones.
Shawn: I’ve been told on many occasions that I am the spitting image of Tito Nagasaki. And if this guy doesn’t look like Bob Jones, well I don’t know anything.

Shawn: Mr. O’Hara, I am here to broker a reunion between father and daughter.
Mr. O’Hara: See, I’ve reached out to Jule. But unless she responds, I think it’s wise to stay away.
Shawn: See sir, I think that would be a mistake. I know how Juliet feels. I didn’t speak with my father for many years. And I know it creates a void in your life. I’ll say this: I can and will help orchestrate this reunion.

Juliet: Do you have any idea how completely inappropriate it is that you went behind my back and invited him here?
Shawn: Yeah, but I only did all of this to show you that you are completely wrong. He’s totally presentable! He’s got a giant house and a yacht.
Juliet: He doesn’t have any of those things.
Shawn: Gus, back me up here.
Gus: He’s rich and awesome and powerful.
Juliet: He’s not rich and he’s not powerful. He’s a con man.

Shawn: Relax, Gus. So Frank fooled us. Big deal. It happens to us every seven days.

Shawn: Congratulations! You’re a con man.
Mr. O’Hara: I prefer confidence man.
Gus: You should be ashamed of yourself.
Mr. O’Hara: I’ll have you know that I’ve been referred to as the modern day Robin Hood by many of my colleagues.
Shawn: Really? You rob from the rich and give to the poor?
Mr. O’Hara: I con from the rich and give to myself when I’m at my poorest.

Mr. O’Hara: Tell you the truth here, I miss my daughter. And I have recently—and I accept the fact it was only eleven hours ago—turned a corner. I’m going straight.
Shawn: What do you honestly think Gus and I were born on the Fourth of July?
Gus: Or yesterday.
Shawn: Or to run?

Shawn: Come on. Foghorn needs Leghorn.
Gus: They’re the same rooster, Shawn.
Shawn: Exactly.

Shawn: I know i’m in the doghouse.
Juliet: Or, you’re not in the doghouse.
Shawn: I’m not?
Juliet: No, you’re going to have to work really hard to make it into the doghouse.
Shawn: So I’m in the yard. Which is still an enclosed area. Unless I’m in the pound. Jules, am I in the pound? Where’s Gus? Is Gus with me?
Gus: Why do I have to be in the pound?
Shawn: So they get adopted together like two inseparable wienie dogs.

Shawn: Those silly coin expos you go to. Do they really have coins that are worth more than their face value?

Shawn: Man, I wish you were my little league coach.
Henry: Hey! Hey, I was your coach in little league.
Shawn: Really? That short-fused balding guy was you?

Mr. O’Hara: A real pro can get through this safe in two minutes. Your coins are sitting ducks in there.
Sheldon (Marc Evan Jackson): Please. Have you not listened to anything I’ve said?
Shawn: I certainly haven’t but I didn’t think you’d noticed.

Gus: Frank stole the penny?
Shawn: Unfortunately, yes.

Shawn: Dammit, you have got to stop doing this to your daughter. She was just starting to allow herself to believe that you were actually a changed man.
Mr. O’Hara: I know, I know. And I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize that.
Shawn: Could have fooled me.

Shawn: Don’t touch anything!
Mr. O’Hara: Nothing worth touching.

Shawn: Being the closeted soft rock fan that you are, are you familiar with a station called 103.1 The Surf?
Gus: No. I’m not.

Juliet: Where are the ginormous ponies?
Shawn: You mean horses. Apparently they’re very expensive to rent and they poop a lot.
Juliet: Oh, good call.

Shawn: You think this is my first surprise party for a girlfriend who’s dad is a professional con man? Huh? It is. It is my first.

View all quotes from In for a Penny…

The Tao of Gus

Shawn: We’ve got serious business to attend to.
Henry: Serious business? You’re going to the opening of a new cupcake store.
Gus: No, we’re going to the closing of an old cupcake store.
Shawn: And then we’re going to an opening of a new cupcake store.
Henry: Bring me back a red velvet.

Gus: I want to die and come back as that peach scarf.
Shawn: What? I thought you wanted to come back as the skinny Elvis.
Gus: No, you wanted to come back as Skinny Elvis. I wanted to come back as black Michael Jackson.
Shawn: And now you’re downgrading to a scarf?
Gus: You know that’s right.

Juliet: Wow. I would like to apologize for my creepy colleague.
Nicole: No need. I find his energy soothing.
Gus: Really? Your silhouette should be on a mud flap.
Shawn: That’s the weirdest flirting I’ve ever heard.

Shawn: I don’t know, man. As much as I like to zig when Lassiter zags, I’m feeling pretty zaggy. So what do you say we hit the Museum of Lactose Intolerance like you’ve been wanting to.
Gus: No can do, Shawn. I feel a case coming on. And it’s coming hard.
Shawn: That’s the creepiest euphemism of all time.

Nicole: Wait, I do remember something about the victim. He had a very heavy presence.
Gus: That’s good.
Shawn: It’s not great.
Gus: Yes, for this conversation it is.

Shawn: Trust me, this girl did not witness a murder. {a speeding car nearly runs Nicole down} I’ve given it some thought, and I’m willing to reconsider.

Juliet: Did you get a good look at the car?
Shawn: Yes, I did. Dark blue sedan. No license plates. Or license plates.

Shawn: Gus, we may have a Children of the Corn situation here.

Shawn: I feel like a eucalyptus tree.

Eli (Diedrich Bader): Normally we don’t take in strangers.
Shawn: Perfect.

Shawn: I’m telling you, man, there’s something seriously strange about these people.
Gus: Like what?
Shawn: Like maybe… it’s a cult?

Henry: You know it’s a real long shot that a car would blow a red light at the exact moment your guy was standing there.
Shawn: Dad, just look. Otherwise Gus is going to end up handing out lunch meat at airports.

Gus: These plums are God’s candy.
Shawn: Okay, if God meant for them to be candy, then why did he invent candy? Huh?

Shawn: Dude, this is like Footloose! Brawling with townies. That means I’m Bacon and you’re Lori Singer.
Gus: Why do I have to be a girl?
Shawn: Because you just swung like that.

Shawn: Yes! Jules, this is amazing. It means I can get the hell out of this place. And that Gus isn’t going to end up robbing a bank in a beret with a machine gun.

Shawn: Isn’t that the same car that tried to run down Nicole?
Gus: Yes, but that doesn’t make any sense. Pierce is in custody.
Shawn: That means Pierce isn’t the killer. And the killer just got here.

Shawn: Oh, vision of darkness! Shed some light on the dark… shed. … {he considers his options}. Check the shed.

Shawn: Upon arrival, you all signed this piece of paper, correct?
Nicole: Yeah, it’s a Pledge of Simplicity.
Shawn: Right. It’s a carefully worded document that gives Eli here power of attorney. Which means he now owns everything that used to belong to you.
Eli: Don’t listen to him. He’s a slave to cynicism.
Shawn: I’m a slave to love, Jack. To fashion. And movies where dogs cover their eyes when couples get intimate around them.

Lassiter: Should I shoot him in the leg?
Shawn: No. Dot’s got mad wheels.

Gus: Um Shawn. Why am I wearing [baller] beads around my neck?
Shawn: ‘Cause you’re a fool.
Gus: Are you ever going to let me forget about this?
Shawn: No I am not.

View all quotes from The Tao of Gus

Neil Simon’s Lover’s Retreat

Shawn: Make sure you water my plants thrice daily, but do not talk to them. Because once they get started they will not stop. Especially Jim.
Gus: Jim’s the ficus?
Shawn: He is indeed.

Shawn: Read my thoughts.
Gus: I don’t know how to do that.
Shawn: Yes you do. Ready?
Gus: Fine. Waffles!
Shawn: My god, it’s crazy. That’s exactly what I was thinking. It was just a test. Ready?
Gus: Still waffles.
Shawn: Dammit! One more time.

Juliet: Why are you gazing into each other’s eyes?
Shawn: We’re not… doing that. It’s just a routine forehead check. Reciprocated.

Shawn: Look, Jules, I know you have very definite expectations for this weekend.
Juliet: What do you mean?
Shawn: Well you sent me an email on the fifth saying, “Shawn, I have very definite expectations for this weekend.”
Juliet: Right. To which you responded, “Slumber party. Nudie times. Drinky drinky.”
Shawn: That’s my out of office reply.

Juliet: We’re going to have fun, relax and most importantly, no work. For two whole days I am not a cop and you are not a psychic.
Shawn: Come on, you know I can’t just turn it off like that.
Juliet: Okay. Just… {she does the temple thing} none of this.

Shawn: Gus. This is my fifth message. I’m all out of aliases. It’s Shawn. I need to talk to you.

Shawn: Why are you inviting strange couples into our vacation?
Juliet: Because that is what adult couples do. They make vacation friends.
Shawn: Why do we need new friends? I have Gus. You have… whoever your friends are.

Juliet: What’s your damage, Spencer?
Shawn: What is my damage? I’m gone five minutes and all the sudden we’re swingers? What is this, The Ice Storm? Who are those people?
Juliet: They’re just people!
Shawn: That’s the worst kind.

Clive: Baby, you look ravishing this evening.
Shawn: Baby, all your facial parts are in the right spots.
Juliet: Thanks, Shawn.

Shawn: Stop saying that the resort is sorry for our loss. The resort is a building. Unless it is Monster House or the Overlook Hotel, I am not impressed. Neither is my lady friend.

Shawn: Have you contacted Interpol?

Hotel Manager: Feel free to take your bathrobes with you. A two hundred dollar value.
Shawn: Dude. Like we weren’t going to take those anyway.

Shawn: I need Clive Noble’s room, please.
Hotel Manager: There’s no one by that name registered at the resort.
Shawn: The tennis is off.

Shawn: So I admit I was seduced by delicious flavor. I am just a man, Jules!

Juliet: You’re acting like a child, Shawn.
Shawn: I am not acting!

Gus: Shawn, this is the fourth vacation you’ve paid for on my credit card.
Shawn: How are my plants?

Jerry Kincaid (Tony Hale): I had to walk five miles. First it was cloudy, then it was blazing hot.
Shawn: That explains your face.
Jerry: Is it obvious?
Shawn: It looks like spam.

Lassiter: Who are Clive and Barbie?
Shawn: Clive and Barbie are cold-blooded murderers who lie and make tennis dates they have no intention of keeping. And… they have my Nintendo.

Shawn: You guys lied to us! You made us believe that you really liked us as people!
Juliet: And they killed someone.
Clive: Come again?
Shawn: Oh, that’s true also, but it’s the lying— It’s the lying that’s really hurtful.
Barbie: Well of all the people we’ve robbed, we liked you the best.
Clive: It’s true. She went on and on about it the whole time we were rifling through your stuff.

Shawn: You guys are horrible people, but you’re so cool.

DePalma: He’s not the first person to die during a tasting, you know.
Shawn: Is it often that people are shot in the gut and dumped in a barrel?
DePalma: No. That, that was new.

DePalma: Would you buy wine from a Goldberg Vineyards? No.
Shawn: Maybe a spritzer.
DePalma: That Texan was my ticket out. He coulda put a picture of his ass on the box for all I care.
Shawn: That I’d buy. {to Juliet} Curiosity.

Shawn: As we’ve learned this weekend, Jules, people are not always what they seem to be. Except on reality TV. We’re all the Real Housewives of somewhere.

Shawn: …Jerry loses his Schlitz. That’s a thing, right?
Juliet: Pretty sure that’s malt liquor.

Filipe: Should we head back now?
Shawn: No, Filipe, I do believe we’d like to take the long way home.

Juliet: You didn’t think that when I said definite expectations that I meant… ?
Shawn: No. No no no. Of course not. That would mean I’m a complete moron.

View all quotes from Neil Simon’s Lover’s Retreat

Indiana Shawn and the Temple of the Kinda Crappy, Rusty Old Dagger

1991

Henry: Alright, Shawn. Say a few words, let’s wrap this up so we can get this dead thing off my kitchen table.
Young Shawn: I’m not ready yet.
Henry: Shawn, not again. You left the hamster in the freezer for two months while you hemmed and hawed over the appropriateness of a burial at sea.

Present Day

Gus: You wanna explain this?
Shawn: Ah… yes. I would like to very much. But we are so late, Gus. And these coffee cups are not going to put themselves away.
Gus: You take a trip with the intention of proposing and don’t tell me, your oldest and blackest friend?
Shawn: I called you eight times on that trip!
Gus: I’m not letting you off on a technicality, Shawn.

Christopher Holme (John Rhys-Davies): What are you doing here anyway?
Gus: We’re always here whenever a valuable shipment comes in.
Shawn: To sense trouble.
Gus: And collect a check.
Shawn: But mostly sense trouble.

Shawn: Well you need to check your facts, Jack. Because we are museum heroes.
Gus: So you’re kind of stuck with us.
Shawn: Don’t check him though. {Gus looks at him} They got your name wrong on the plaque.
Gus: Twice! The first time they called me Bruton Gaster, and then they switched it to Brutal Hustler on the new one.
Shawn: He likes it.
Gus: Well I don’t mind it.
Shawn: He doesn’t want them to change it.
Gus: You can call me Brutal.

Shawn: I think what this woman is trying to say here, Gus, is that you can suck it.
Jacqueline Medeiros (Mädchen Amick): No, I’m not saying that.
Shawn: I’m paraphrasing.
Gus: Do you even know what paraphrase means?
Shawn: It means, “Suck it please, Gus.”
Gus: It doesn’t mean “suck it please, Gus.”

Holme: I want him jailed!
Lassiter: Mr. Holme, as much as that idea pleases me, you can’t actually put someone in jail for being stupid.
Shawn: Or for being a good samaritan.
Holme: Or stupid! It does bear repeating.

Shawn: The cops don’t even have the kind of firepower we need.
Gus: Dude. If you suggest Batman one more time I will pull out your eardrums.
Shawn: I was talking about a pro, Gus. A pro’s pro. I’ve already called him and downloaded him on the situation.
Gus: Really. And who might that be?
Pierre Despereaux (Cary Elwes): Somebody call for an art thief?

Gus: You look ridiculous.
Shawn: You’re just jealous ’cause there’s no black dudes in Raiders.

Shawn: What was that thing?
Despereaux: It’s a Civil War-era dagger. Only about five hundred of them were made.
Shawn: Really? What’s it worth?
Despereaux: Oh, about nine thousand dollars maybe.
Gus: Do they know that?

Despereaux: The story goes that Yerden kept his most secret and valuable items hidden in a core collection. Went to the grave before he managed to tell anybody what or where it was. That dagger was said to protect the collection.
Shawn: I think you mean dragon.
Despereaux: No, I mean dagger.

Lawyer: He left you the bulk of his possessions.
Gus: No no no thank you. Those are instruments of crime and probably all stolen.
Shawn: I’ll take this though.
Gus: You can’t have it.
Shawn: What are you, my boss?
Gus: I’m your conscience.
Shawn: Tony Cox is my conscience.

Lawyer: Mr. Despereaux was not about to be acquitted.
Shawn: You shut your drunk mouth! He told me as much.
Lawyer: We were losing that trial. I was trying to make a plea but the state was reluctant because… we had no grounds.

Shawn: Woody, I need Despereaux’s remains.
Woody: Can’t sell them to you, Shawn. I’m kind of on probation for that sort of thing.
Shawn: I don’t want to own them.
Woody: Good, because as a hobby it is very expensive.

Shawn: That’s it?
Woody: It’s enough. Cause of death: diabetes. {Shawn looks surprised} I kid. He exploded.

Henry: He’s gone. Deal with it.
Shawn: He’s not gone. He’s too good.
Henry: You’ve been hiding from the pain of death since you were a kid. Let it hurt. It’s gonna hurt.

Gus: Please don’t say any of this, Shawn.
Shawn: I’m not saying it. I’m rapping it.

Shawn: If we learned anything from FX and FX2 it’s that anything can be faked. And Brian Brown cannot carry a movie.
Gus: What about Full Body Massage?
Shawn: We both know why we rented that.

Gus: Don’t you think your take on this is a little easy?
Shawn: Easy? Yes. But life is easy, Gus. If you really want it to be.

Gus: No one crosses me. I believe you have something of mine.
Shawn: What, did I borrow your socks?
Gus: We scoured the lake and the wreckage and it was nowhere to be found, which means it can only be in one place.
Shawn: David Lee Roth’s beach house.
Gus: Give me the dagger.
Shawn: I don’t have it.

Gus: What the hell happened? And why does she think we have the dagger?
Shawn: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe {he pulls the dagger out with some effort} because of this.
Gus: You had that in your pants?
Shawn: I swiped it off Despereaux at the bucket before we split off. You know what that means.
Gus: You’re not going after the core collection, are you?
Shawn: No. We are!

Shawn: That dastardly woman killed the coolest man on earth over this treasure, and I will not let her get there first, Gus!

Shawn: That’s your problem, Gus. You brought a funeral program to a knife fight.

Shawn: What can you tell us about the core collection?
Holme: It doesn’t exist.
Shawn: But if it did.

Holme: Have you ever taken the tour?
Shawn: No, we have not. But we will now.
Holme: Good. Don’t hurry back.

Patience (Lindsey Stoddart): No food. Drinks, smoking, flash pictures. Heeled shoes, hand lotion, offensive colognes, Minnesotans {ahem}, tattoos with wolves {Shawn indicates Gus}, exposed liposuction scars, lap bands, hair extensions, loud noises, surprising gestures {she demonstrates}. Bodily fluids…
Shawn: Alright, I’ll lose the Cheetos.
Patience: I already disposed of them.

Jacqueline: I’ve worked with professionals, mercenaries, compromised double agents… and yet no one’s behavior has been as utterly confusing as yours.
Shawn: Thank you.
Jacqueline: It’s not a compliment.
Shawn: Well it depends on your definition of confusing, doesn’t it.

Shawn: Levers. Why did it have to be levers.

Shawn: You can hack too.
Despereaux: I have a guy.

Despereaux: It’s gotta be Rembrandt’s unfinished portrait of Alexander the Great! It was rumored Yerden had it for years!
Shawn: Or perhaps it’s a Thomas Kinkade.
Gus: Shawn, you really need to learn another painter.
Shawn: Yeah, like that’s ever gonna be necessary.

Shawn: Think about it, fellas. This man traveled to the ends of the earth, risking everything to find beautiful things made by others. One unattainable goal that he would never achieve was to be the object of one of those searches. To have someone go on a quest like ours for his works. To be the prize at the end of a journey.
Despereaux: Perfect.
Gus: It’s narcissistic.
Despereaux: In the biggest way.
Shawn: I like the one with the cat.
Despereaux: Still crappy.

View all quotes from Indiana Shawn and the Temple of the Kinda Crappy, Rusty Old Dagger

Heeeeere’s Lassie

Gus: So?
Shawn: Nothing suspicious. I’m going to have to go rogue and fabricate something to get us in on this one.
Gus: How is that different from usual?
Shawn: I’m completely sober.
Gus: You’re an idiot.
Shawn: I could eat.
Gus: Me too.

Shawn: Well Jules, my vision has told me that the hanging dude hung himself. So should I just invoice you or is there a cash machine nearby?
Juliet: Hm. That doesn’t really strike me as a billable observation, Shawn.

Shawn: Gus. I’ve learned my lesson. It turns out that toys are not a safe place to hide expensive jewelry.

Lassiter: I’m here because I have a… situation at my new condo.
Shawn: Dead hookers.
Gus: Robot cockroaches.
Lassiter: I heard things.

Lassiter: You understand why I’m upset, right?
Shawn: Lassie, we have to be prepared for any and all scenarios.
Gus: Including ones that may involve spirits, shades or sprites. Even thought we know it’s not any of that.

Amy (Sara Rue): Who are your friends?
Shawn: Shawn Spencer, psychic detective, SBPD. This is my partner, Fellatio Del Toro.
Gus: We’re investigating a haunting in Lassiter’s new condo.
Amy: Wow. That’s some good skinny. I gotta get up to this floor more often.

Shawn: I think this is just a case of your imagination getting the best of you.
Happens to Gus and I once every seven days.
Lassiter: This is not my imagination. Alright, think about it. How sure must I have been that something nefarious is at play here for me to come to you two dunderheads for help.

Woody: The blood wasn’t human.
Gus: Chupacabra?
Shawn: Dead robot hookers?
Woody: Some kind of animal. One with abnormally high triglycerides and what appears to be an STD.

Shawn: Lloyd, my good man. I’m Shawn Spencer. This is my partner Eddy Adams from Torrance.
Lloyd: Yeah, I remember you. You had your hand in the dead man’s fridge.

Shawn: So you’re aware of the unexplained phenomena in unit 536.
Lloyd: The business in unit 536 ain’t unexplained.
Shawn: That’s what we were thinking. I told you we came to the right dude.
Gus: We think someone is trying to scare Carlton Lassiter out of 536.
Lloyd: You’re right. And I know who the culprit is. Condo 536.
Shawn: Hm.
Gus: I think we’re done here.
Lloyd: Wait wait. I’ve seen it. Sound-minded men move in there. Then they begin to unravel. Before you know it, they’re delivered into the mouth of madness. Condo 536 has a curse within its walls.

Henry: Now I’m no expert in this stuff, but there’s definitely something weird going on here.
Gus: It’s not haunted.
Shawn: No, it isn’t.
Henry: I think it’s haunted.

Shawn: She’s got the crazy coursing through her legs!

View all quotes from Heeeeere’s Lassie

Shawn and the Real Girl

Shawn: I’ll pitch him on all my genius reality ideas.
Gus: No no, Shawn. Please don’t. All your ideas sound insane.
Shawn: You must be out of your damn mind. “Punk My Mom.” “The Girl With the Bear.” “So You Think You Can Think You Can Dance.” “Don’t Touch That: It’s Infected.” These are all slam dunks.

Shawn: Just go with me, okay. A guy shows up, knocks on a door, right? It’s his big overnight date. You know, he’s showered, he feels fresh, he feels good, he’s got something goin’ on down here. Door opens, boom! It’s—
Steve Rollins (Lochlyn Munro): A bear. Yeah, the Japanese already tried that. Too many people died.
Shawn: What? Man, the Japanese ruin everything.

Shawn: There’s only one way Gus and I know how to investigate and go completely unnoticed.

Shawn Womack: I’m a heart surgeon. And sometimes brain. But I am also the inventor of the hamburger candle.

Jay (Greg Grunberg): I birthed this show. This came from my loins and no one is going to screw this up!
Shawn: We’re not going to screw your loins. I mean I could— No, I don’t see, I don’t think it’s going to happen.

Jay: I sold this to NBC, right? NBC. They make classics like Friends and… ah… ah…
Shawn: Their next runaway smash reality show about the crabbing industry called—wait for it, you wait for it—America’s Got Crabs.
Jay: That’s brilliant. I like it, there’s something there. You and I are gonna talk about that later.

Shawn: Excuse me. This is a real call from actual reality.

Shawn: I’m doing everything I can to fend Melinda off. But in the end, I think my charms may prove too much for her to resist.
Juliet: You kiss her you die.
Shawn: Duly noted.

Shawn: I need to say something to the group.
Jay: What the hell’s going on now?
Shawn: Melinda, if I may. I know the decision is yours, who you want to give the heart to, but I think you should know there is someone here amongst us who does not have your best interests in their heart.
Hilton: Brother’s gone rogue.

Shawn: Hey Brody, where are you going?
Brody: I’m quitting. Look, Melinda’s a nice girl and she looks great naked, but she’s not worth dying for. There’s easier ways to get exposure.
Shawn: When did he see her naked?

Shawn: This is a taco-burrito conversation. Nachos.

Melinda: What the hell is going on with you guys? It’s like you’re more into each other than you are me.
Shawn: That’s fair.

Shawn: I’m not a doctor.
Melinda: Yeah, I kind of figured that when you said you graduated from Bob Hoskins Medical School.

Gus: If someone removed footage where would it go?
Shawn: Outer space I believe. Right, Steve?
Rollins: Ah no. That’s not correct.

View all quotes from Shawn and the Real Girl

Let’s Doo-wop It Again

Shawn: Shawn Spencer. Tony’s friend from the last time he came to town and got kidnapped.

Shawn: Kudos on the Asian Lori Petty look.
Tina (Liz Lapira): Congratulations on the skinny Chaz Bono look.
Shawn: Thank you very much. {to Gus} Was that a compliment?
Gus: No.

Shawn: You guys are trying to protect me from the fact that I’m going to spend the rest of my life in a gigantic plastic bubble. Just like the movie I’m writing.
Gus: They’ve already made two bubble movies, Shawn.
Shawn: Yeah, but mine’s gonna star Jake Gyllenhaal.

Juliet: How’s Deacon doing?
Doctor: Well luckily the bullet went straight through and missed hitting any vital organs. But he’s lost a lot of blood. These next two days are going to be crucial.
Shawn: Thank you, Doctor.

Gus: We want nothing more than to bust this low-life.
Shawn: But my incapacitation means that my psychic powers are down temporarily, fellas. I’m afraid Gus and I are going to have to sit this one out. This case is going to have to go unsolved.

Henry: You do know that Gus and those guys are going to go investigate this case without you.
Shawn: Man, I know.

Shawn: Are you in a women’s prison?

Tony (Jaleel White): Fellahs, I don’t like how this is looking. Us, alone in the woods, tracking a would-be killer. This is not African American.
Drake: I was thinking the same thing. You know, Black guys in movies never make it out of these situations alive.
Shawn: Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Drake. LL Cool J survived Michael Myers, great white sharks and Queen Latifah.
Drake: Wait a minute, Holiday wasn’t a horror movie.
Shawn: It wasn’t?
Drake: No.
Shawn: Oh man, I didn’t get that movie at all.

Gus: Will you two stop it. The three of us are not going to die.
Shawn: Gus is right. Only one of you is. And it’ll probably be Drake.
Gus: I know.

Gus: We know you’ve been skimming from Deacon’s charity.
Shawn: We also know Deacon found out and to keep him quiet you shot him!
Tina: You don’t know anything, guy-on-the-screen-I-think-I-met-once.

Shawn: I am sensing that Chuy is big into body art. Right? I can see one of his tattoos still in progress. I can’t be sure. It’s either a Burmese tiger or Sandra Bernhardt sitting on a sparkler.

Shawn: Gus. What happened? What are all those police cars doing there?
Gus: I can’t look at you, Shawn. I’m too ashamed.
Shawn: Don’t you turn your face away— Don’t you dare go Elephant Man on me.
Gus: Fine! I got Tony and Drake kidnapped, Shawn.
Shawn: What do you mean, like last time?
Juliet: Pretty much.

Shawn: Gus, don’t hide. You have to do something.
Gus: That’s easy for you to say. Those aren’t iBullets whizzing by.
Shawn: Gus, would you be a man! Be a man! {aside} Nurse, I would like a little more of that Jello please.

Shawn: Look around. You’re in a hospital, Jimmy. Think this through. You can’t just be shooting dudes.
Jimmy: Some orderly’s going to get in big trouble for accidentally giving you too much morphine.
Shawn: Really? Is it Prince Markie Dee from The Fat Boys?

Shawn: You okay?
Deacon: I’m on the banana sled with you.
Shawn: Feel the peel, baby. Feel the peel.

Juliet: Why did the morphine not affect you?
Shawn: Luckily my dad refused to pay for any kind of pain medication after twenty-four hours. That’s just glucose.

View all quotes from Let’s Doo-wop It Again

Autopsy Turvy

Gus: Why do I have to be the victim?
Shawn: Because to cast you as the killer wouldn’t be very PC.
Gus: Since when are you PC, Shawn?

Whip Chatterly (French Stewart): Gentlemen. Might I ask why this man in straight-cut denim is lying in the street while you are making bus sounds in the moonlight?
Shawn: If you must know we are pantomime artists from New Guinea. Developing a new routine.

Whip: … Turns out he was killed with cyanide by a dwarf before he ever even got on that tractor. They never caught that little fellow.
Shawn: Are you saying the dwarf is still at large?

Shawn: We know the drill, Whip. We’ve seen The First 48.
Whip: So have I. Every episode.

Whip: Gentlemen, allow me to be your secret weapon. What have you got to lose? I will also cover the cost of snacks.
Shawn: What kind of snacks? Keeping in mind that fruit and dried fruit are not snacks.
Whip: Food for thought.

Gus: I can’t believe you called Whip.
Shawn: Well believe it, Gus. Because here he is. His vast knowledge of murder and true crime may just come in handy.
Gus: Until he kills us.

Miss Ivana: Look at my brain.
Shawn: I’d rather not.
Miss Ivana: Do it.
Shawn: Okay.
Miss Ivana: What do you see?
Shawn: You are… putting up a wall. You don’t want me to see your naked innermost thoughts.
Miss Ivana: True. I have trust issues. My therapist tells me this. Your turn.
Shawn: Have at it. I’m an open book.
Miss Ivana: You’re thinking whether Ted Knight and Jim J. Bullock had anything to talk about on the set of Too Close for Comfort.
Shawn: Holy crap, she’s the real deal.

Shawn: This is an outrage! Shame your face! Poor Bob!
Gus: Who is now very very sad. You wanna know why? Mostly because he’s dead!
Miss Ivana: Say what?
Whip: Murdered!
Miss Ivana: Nuh uh!
Shawn: I hope you’re satisfied.
Miss Ivana: My god, you guys. Seriously? This is all my fault. I’m gonna go to hell in a hand basket.
Shawn: Uh… what happened to your accent?
Miss Ivana: People are more comfortable when I use it?
Gus: No. No no no no. We are leaving!
Whip: To find a girl named Penny!

Shawn: I gotta tell you, Lassie, investigating this neighborhood has been pretty bizarre. Underbelly. You know, like After Hours.
Gus: Without the comforting presence of Griffin Dunne.

Shawn: Please tell me that you let him down easy. I’m sensing he was very vulnerable.
Penny: I threatened to call the cops.
Gus: But you’re the bologna girl.
Penny: Yeah, but I’m also a single girl in the city.
Juliet: Who invites an entire audience of strangers into her apartment.

Gus: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Shawn: You want more plum cake?
Gus: I do. But no.

Shawn: Damn you, Whip Chatterly. You ensnared us in a web of turtle-necked lies. And now because of you, we don’t have any snacks.
Woody: You just can’t tell what a person is capable of until you’ve seen them naked. I’m almost positive that’s how the saying goes.

Shawn: You’re gonna drink a dead man’s Yoo Hoo?
Gus: You had to put that image in my head, didn’t you? The man may be dead but that Yoo Hoo is very much alive, Shawn.

Woody: I can’t thank you enough for believing in me.
Vick: I didn’t. I believed in your colleague who turned out to be a homicidal maniac.
Shawn: None of us is perfect, Chief.

View all quotes from Autopsy Turvy

True Grits

Shawn: So you want us to solve the crime that you were wrongfully convicted of.
Thane Woodsen (Anthony Anderson): I heard you’re one hell of a psychic from the very men that you put in jail.
Shawn: That’s not surprising. I’m sure my reputation in prison has reached mythical proportions.
Thane: Not really. But there is a long list of fellahs fixin’ to kill you as soon as they get out.
Shawn: Why just me? This is a two-man team.
Gus: Stop snitchin’, Shawn.

Shawn: We’re gonna fight the power!
Thane: Fight the power!
Shawn: Together!
Thane: Together!
Gus: Shawn, don’t get all Spike Lee and Do the Right Thing on me. {Shawn launches a waste basket at the window}
Shawn: It’s too late for that, brother! Love is gonna bust him out.
Gus: He’s already out, Shawn.
Shawn: Just ’cause you put syrup on something don’t make it pancakes.
Gus: What?

Juliet: Okay, I’ll bite. What’s the case?
Gus: Well in order to really appeciate it you have to first hear the back story.
Shawn: Yeah. Once upon a time, a poor country boy in search of a better life brushes off his overalls, hops on a freight and leaves the dusty roads of Georgia behind.
Gus: Shawn, that’s Grapes of Wrath. And it wasn’t a freight and it wasn’t Georgia. Thane wasn’t alive then.
Shawn: He had no formal education. But he did know a hundred uses for the peanut.
Gus: That’s George Washington Carver. Thane has a masters in culinary arts.
Shawn: So he moved to Santa Barbara and bought a horse.
Gus: That’s true.
Shawn: And in no time at all he got a job as a head chef. Then his life took a tragic turn when his restaurant was robbed.
Gus: He was at the wrong place at the wrong time.
Shawn: Got arrested, spent three long years in the Big House.
Gus: Not the clink!
Shawn: For a crime he didn’t commit.
Gus: Why?
Shawn: Faulty eyewitness testimony. Unfair justice system, and—
Juliet: Me.
Shawn: Trying to make this about you. This is our case.
Juliet: You’re talking about Thane Woodsen and that restaurant robbery was my case.

Lassiter: So you two breaking up over this?
Shawn: No!
Juliet: Of course not!
Lassiter: Don’t forget, I used to be involved with someone on the force. It can get very tricky keeping work issues from becoming personal. Now that I’m dating an incarcerated civilian, things are much simpler. Minus the two-inch glass and the leg shackles.

Juliet: I don’t take it personally that Shawn took on Thane’s case. Even though I am fairly certain that he is guilty.
Shawn: And I don’t take it personally that Juliet feels that way. Even though she simply couldn’t be wronger.
Lassiter: You two are so breaking up over this.

Lassiter: All convicts say they’re innocent, or they’re framed, or “Stop choking me.” But at the end of the day, Thane Woodsen was definitely guilty of something.
Shawn: Not according to the Innocence Project.
Lassiter: Which is why they’re high on my list of enemies. Right behind Internal Affairs, UNICEF and Lance Bass. {pause} Don’t ask.

Thane: You know what’s sorry? The state prison system. Where I spent three years.
Gus: I thought you said it was two years and eight months.
Thane: I’m rounding up, alright! And who are you? The Math Police?
Shawn: Why don’t you Ice Cube it down a notch or two or five.
Thane: Okay, cool. My bad.

Juliet: I’m the kind of person that would never ever ever forgive myself if I thought I put the wrong person behind bars, so if the real culprit is still out there, believe me I want to find him more than anyone.
Thane: Ah hell no. Man, I ain’t feeling her at all. She’s part of the system that stole my life!
Shawn: Thane, I can personally vouch for Juliet here. Especially now that she agrees with me. We’re all on the same team.
Thane: Oh, well then you ain’t on my team now.
Shawn: What?
Thane: Last thing we need is for her to plant evidence to frame some other dude.

Shawn: You’re really enjoying this, aren’t you?
Lassiter: I do like it when you get your comeuppance.
Shawn: I like it when you shutuppance.

Gus: Going undercover as day laborers? Worst idea ever.
Shawn: Do you know how many terrible ideas you’re not accounting for by saying that?

Shawn: I knew you were lying when you said you built that deck all by yourself.
Henry: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Thane: Mr. Dozier, we need your help proving your son is a no good criminal.
Shawn: Smooth. Thank you.
Fred Dozier (Stoney Jackson): Come on in.
Thane: That’s what I’m talking about.

Shawn: Man, Thane. If you had seen the video we saw, you would have been like, “Damn. That dude is guilty.”
Gus: You know that’s right.
Thane: What? Man, you guys are supposed to believe me.
Gus: And you’re supposed to not get arrested for killing someone.
Shawn: Talk about what they’re supposed to do, what they’re not supposed to do.
Lassiter: He has a very good point.

Lassiter: Man, how many got out of jail free cards does a guy get?
Shawn: Two. One in Chance, one in the Community Chest.

Shawn: I don’t know what happened. First I made Jules mad, then I made Thane lose faith, which cost us our fee, which made Gus cry which… is not that out of the ordinary.
Henry: Once again you find yourself stuck in the middle, Shawn, because you don’t want to take a side. But once you do, remember this: love lasts, money doesn’t. Oh come on, man. Go suck up to Juliet. You may never find a gal this good again.
Shawn: I know. But it was ten g’s!
Henry: Huh?
Shawn: Ten thousand dollars.
Henry: Are you kidding?
Shawn: Tax-free, I think.
Henry: Okay, scratch what I just said. Go buy Juliet a brooch!
Shawn: Brooch?
Henry: A tennis bracelet, a corsage… Get off the couch, go make up with Thane.
Shawn: You just said, “love lasts.”
Henry: It lasts a lot longer when you’ve got money in the bank. Trust me.

Shawn: That’s one of the many great things about you, Jules. Throughout this whole process you never got caught up in petty competitiveness.
Juliet: Oh, I so wanted to beat you guys.

Juliet: Did he just run a stop sign?
Shawn: Yes he did. But he also spent almost three years in jail for a crime he didn’t commit. I think we can give him a freebie.
Juliet: Yeah yeah. You’re right. Okay, that was a red light.
Shawn: Come on Jules.
Gus: Did he give you the check?
Shawn: I thought he gave you the check.
Gus: No.
Shawn: Oh, we gotta go after this dude.

View all quotes from True Grits

Santabarbaratown

1991

Young Shawn: What’s going on, Dad?
Henry: What? Oh, ah, nothing. Just work stuff.
Young Shawn: Can you tell me about it?
Henry: Maybe when you’re a little older.
Young Shawn: Come on. I’m old enough to drive. I think I can handle hearing about one of your cases.
Henry: Shawn, you’re not going to be able to drive for three years.
Young Shawn: Really? Then how will Gus and I get to Vegas this weekend?
Lou Gamble (Tom Pickett): Come on, Henry. He can handle it.
Henry: Fine. But I’m calling you when he can’t sleep tonight.

Henry: We’re looking for a missing girl.
Young Shawn: What’s her name?
Henry: Veronica Towne.
Young Shawn: Where was she last seen?
Henry: This bar where she waitresses. Called the Blue Derby.
Young Shawn: What was she wearing?
Henry: Why does that matter?
Lou: A red dress. And a gold necklace with her initials on it.
Young Shawn: Thanks Lou. So do you think she was murdered?
Henry: It’s starting to look that way.
Young Shawn: Ah, who do you think did it?
Lou: A guy by the name of Jordan Beaumont. Her boss at the Blue Derby. But we can’t prove it until we find the place where he stashed the body. Or places.
Young Shawn: Gotcha.
Henry: You’re not going to be able to sleep tonight, are you?
Young Shawn: Not a wink.
Henry: Thanks Lou.

Present Day

Lassiter: How do you know so much about this case?
Henry: Because I was the lead detective, along with my partner at the time, Lou Gamble.
Shawn: May he rest in peace. Sweet old Uncle Lou had a thousand jokes about hemorrhoids. They were all hilarious.
Henry: Jordan was our lead suspect the entire time.
Juliet: So why couldn’t you get him?
Henry: Never got enough evidence.
Lassiter: So why couldn’t you get him?

Vick: So now I’ve got two bodies. A girl who’s missing for twenty years and the father of the man long-suspected of killing her. Do you have any other bombshells for me?
Shawn: Did you see the finale of The Bachelorette?
Vick: Yes.
Shawn: Then no I do not.

Shawn: Why would Jordan bury one body and not the other?
Juliet: Maybe it was some weird admission of guilt.
Shawn: Ah. Kind of like Gus admitting that he likes cat food.
Gus: I said I like how it looks in commercials. There’s a difference.
Shawn: No. There is not a difference.

Henry: I think I should also work the case.
Vick: As what? A detective?
Henry: Nobody knows it better than I do. You can reinstate me this one time.
Lassiter: Come on, Henry, with all due respect, you can’t just hop back in the game after all these years. There’s been a lot of changes on the job.
Shawn: Lassie’s right.
For example, the bicycle is no longer just one giant wheel with a tiny one in back.
Gus: And now my people can vote.

Gus: Okay, so do we go with your dad or Lassie?
Shawn: Worst. Options. Ever.

Jordan Beaumont (Rob Estes): What’s your point?
Shawn: What do you think it is?
Beaumont: Well you clearly think that I killed my father.
Shawn: Oh yeah? Actually I forgot what my point was, but what you just said makes a lot of sense.

Lawyer: Excuse me. Who are you?
Shawn: Shawn Spencer. That is my partner, Sh’Dynasty. It is spelled S-H-comma-to-the-top-Dynasty.
Beaumont: “Comma-to-the-top”?
Gus: That’s a God’s comma.
Shawn: And I am a badass psychic detective, Jackfonswoo.
Henry: He’s also my son.
Shawn: Dad. You took the teeth right out of my badass comment.

Lawyer: Gentlemen, my client is under no obligation to answer any questions from you. Now I’ll have to ask that you leave. Immediately.
Shawn: Take it easy, Cat Von D. Know this, Jordan: I’m on to you. Like fat… on a fat person.

Thea: Have you always been such a snoop?
Shawn: Oh yeah. Hence my nickname in high school.
Thea: Snoopy?
Shawn: Hammertime.

Shawn: Chief I would very much like to elbow him in the sternum.
Vick: Please do.

Vick: What is up with Mr. Guster?
Shawn: Sugar crash. He just ate six hundred dollars worth of candy from the hotel minibar.

Henry: There’s no way that Lou Gamble had anything to do with Veronica Towne’s death.
Gus: What was his DNA doing all over her body?
Henry: I don’t know. Maybe it was a mix up in the lab, somebody tried to set him up—it doesn’t matter. Lou was a great cop and he was as decent a guy as you’ll find.
Shawn: He certainly didn’t seem like the murdering type. Then again neither did Matthew McConaughey’s character in The Lincoln Lawyer.
Gus: Ryan Phillipe was the murderer in that movie.
Shawn: Really? I never saw it.

Shawn: Are you kidding me? You just crashed at the police station.
Gus: Playas don’t crash, Shawn. They rest their eyes and then they refuel. {he spills more candy on the carpet}
Henry: Burton!

Henry: This is my son Shawn and his partner Gus.
Ida: Nice. I voted against Prop 8.
Gus: We’re partners in a detective agency.
Shawn: But we’re also lovers in the nighttime.
Gus: Will you stop it.
Shawn: We’re like The Insiders except even more gay.
Gus: The Insiders were not gay, and neither are we.

Shawn reading: “Sodium bicarbonate.”
Gus: Baking soda?
Shawn: “Bacon soda”? That’s a genius idea, Gus. But I’m not sure the world is ready for a pork-flavored beverage.
Gus: I disagree. But that’s not what I said.

Dr. May: I’ll advise you boys to watch your step. The past can be treacherous.
Shawn: Can you at least tell us the girl’s name?
Dr. May: Yes. Dahlia. Dahlia Towne.

Masked Figure: Nice night for a walk.
Shawn: Listen, I’ve got six bucks and a picture of Mary Stuart Masterson in my wallet. It’s all yours.
Masked Figure: Find another case. This is your last warning.

Gus: Who are we chasing?
Shawn: Jack Atwater. A detective used to work with my dad.
Gus: How old is he?
Shawn: At least seventy!
Gus: Then why can’t we catch him?
Shawn: I don’t know! I don’t eat well and I don’t exercise. What’s your excuse?
Gus: I don’t do well at high altitudes!
Shawn: What are you talking about?
Gus: You know, like Denver.
Shawn: We’re not in Denver!
Gus: Just run, Shawn.

Shawn: Rough day for you, man. No way around that. The girl you were dating turns out to be your sister. Who killed your father. Who killed her mother and was sleeping with your ex-girlfriend.
Gus: And Shawn punched you in the face.
Shawn: And there’s that too.

Shawn: His girlfriend. His sister. His girlfriend. His sister.
Gus: Forget about it, Shawn. It’s just Santa Barbara.

Shawn: Well. I guess I should swing by your place and pick up all my stuff now that you’re okay.
Juliet: Shawn all you brought over were some clothes, a toothbrush and your work out bricks.
Shawn: Right. All my stuff.

Vick: I’m trying to convince your father to stay on as a detective just a little longer. He hasn’t missed a step.
Henry: Hear hear.
Shawn: Nope. My detective days are over. So’s my career in police work.
Henry: What?
Vick: Wait. You’re retiring?
Shawn: Effective immediately. My resignation letter’s already on your desk.
Vick: Woah woah woah. Is this because I yelled at you for the pants thing?

Shawn: What? Your old police hat? You remember I used to put this thing on as a kid, run all over the house bumping into stuff. Dreaming that one day I’d be this amazing cop. Just like my old man.
Henry: Yeah, well. I guess your perception of me has changed a little since then, huh?
Shawn: Actually it’s quite the contrary.
Henry: What do you say you and I go out and grab a beer a little later.
Shawn: Beer? Well that’s not really our thing is it?
Henry: Yeah, I know. Maybe we can change that now that I have some time on my hands.
Shawn: I’m not gonna lie to you, a cold beer sounds rich and delicious. We should go now. Let’s get one now.
Henry: First I gotta break some bad news to an old friend.

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