The Tao of Gus

Shawn: We’ve got serious business to attend to.
Henry: Serious business? You’re going to the opening of a new cupcake store.
Gus: No, we’re going to the closing of an old cupcake store.
Shawn: And then we’re going to an opening of a new cupcake store.
Henry: Bring me back a red velvet.

Gus: I want to die and come back as that peach scarf.
Shawn: What? I thought you wanted to come back as the skinny Elvis.
Gus: No, you wanted to come back as Skinny Elvis. I wanted to come back as black Michael Jackson.
Shawn: And now you’re downgrading to a scarf?
Gus: You know that’s right.

Juliet: If you need absolutely anything else please don’t hesitate to call.
Nicole (Diora Baird): What’s your number?
Gus: I was going to ask you the same question.
Juliet: Gus, please. This woman may have witnessed a crime.
Gus: A crime in progress. She’s stealing my heart. But I ain’t pressing charges.

Juliet: Wow. I would like to apologize for my creepy colleague.
Nicole: No need. I find his energy soothing.
Gus: Really? Your silhouette should be on a mud flap.
Shawn: That’s the weirdest flirting I’ve ever heard.

Juliet: Don’t go anywhere near this one.
Gus: Why’s that?
Lassiter: Because Janis Joplin over there is crazier than Janice Dickinson.

Shawn: I don’t know, man. As much as I like to zig when Lassiter zags, I’m feeling pretty zaggy. So what do you say we hit the Museum of Lactose Intolerance like you’ve been wanting to.
Gus: No can do, Shawn. I feel a case coming on. And it’s coming hard.
Shawn: That’s the creepiest euphemism of all time.

Nicole: Wait, I do remember something about the victim. He had a very heavy presence.
Gus: That’s good.
Shawn: It’s not great.
Gus: Yes, for this conversation it is.

Shawn: Trust me, this girl did not witness a murder. {a speeding car nearly runs Nicole down} I’ve given it some thought, and I’m willing to reconsider.

Juliet: Did you get a good look at the car?
Shawn: Yes, I did. Dark blue sedan. No license plates. Or license plates.

Shawn: Gus, we may have a Children of the Corn situation here.

Geoff (Carlos Jacott): When one of us is gone, the whole balance is off. I haven’t been regular all day, and that’s not like me at all.

Shawn: I feel like a eucalyptus tree.

Eli (Diedrich Bader): Normally we don’t take in strangers.
Shawn: Perfect.

Shawn: I’m telling you, man, there’s something seriously strange about these people.
Gus: Like what?
Shawn: Like maybe… it’s a cult?

Henry: You know it’s a real longshot that a car would blow a red light at the exact moment your guy was standing there.
Shawn: Dad, just look. Otherwise Gus is going to end up handing out lunchmeat at airports.

Gus: These plums are God’s candy.
Shawn: Okay, if God meant for them to be candy, then why did he invent candy? Huh?

Shawn: Dude, this is like Footloose! Brawling with townies. That means I’m Bacon and you’re Lori Singer.
Gus: Why do I have to be a girl?
Shawn: Because you just swung like that.

Shawn: Yes! Jules, this is amazing. It means I can get the hell out of this place. And that Gus isn’t going to end up robbing a bank in a beret with a machine gun.

Shawn: Isn’t that the same car that tried to run down Nicole?
Gus: Yes, but that doesn’t make any sense. Pierce is in custody.
Shawn: That means Pierce isn’t the killer. And the killer just got here.

Eli: I’m Eli. You may call me Eli.

Lassiter: Eli, I’m going to need to interrogate your entire herd of weirdos.

Eli: Milosh, my man. The Gourd of Transparency, please. {Milosh hands him a shoe}. This is your left shoe, Milosh. The gourd. I need the gourd.

Shawn: Oh, vision of darkness! Shed some light on the dark… shed. … {he considers his options}. Check the shed.

Shawn: Upon arrival, you all signed this piece of paper, correct?
Nicole: Yeah, it’s a Pledge of Simplicity.
Shawn: Right. It’s a carefully worded document that gives Eli here power of attorney. Which means he now owns everything that used to belong to you.
Eli: Don’t listen to him. He’s a slave to cynicism.
Shawn: I’m a slave to love, Jack. To fashion. And movies where dogs cover their eyes when couples get intimate around them.

Lassiter: Should I shoot him in the leg?
Shawn: No. Dot’s got mad wheels.

Gus: Um Shawn. Why am I wearing [baller] beads around my neck?
Shawn: ‘Cause you’re a fool.
Gus: Are you ever going to let me forget about this?
Shawn: No I am not.

Nicole: Love will abound, Gus.
Gus: My love doesn’t abound like that.
Nicole: But it can.
Gus: But it won’t.