Psych Henry Spencer

Season 6

2011.10.12    

Shawn Rescues Darth Vader

Present Day

Henry Spencer (Corbin Bernsen): My son needs my help. I think he bit off a bit too much this time.
Woody (Kurt Fuller): You don’t have to tell me. I know Gus well.
Henry: Shawn.
Woody: Him too. Never thought of them as brothers though. Bit of a game changer.

Lassiter: One more question.
Shawn: If it’ll make you happy.
Lassiter: I think it will. Are you psychic?
Shawn: Excuse me?
Lassiter: Are you—Shawn Spencer—psychic?
Henry: You’re gonna have to answer that one, Shawn.

1991

Young Shawn (Skyler Gisondo): The answer is… No.
Henry: Wrong again. Shawn, I knew you were lying. You have to believe the lie. Don’t sweat it. Feel your heart.
Young Shawn: Dad, this feels a little unethical.
Henry: Trust me, Shawn, there will come a day—unfortunately—when this might be necessary. Perhaps you’ll be working undercover. Though most likely not. Now answer the questions again. But this time, first, breathe.
Young Shawn: “No.”
Henry: Perfect.

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Last Night Gus

Henry: Who the hell is Ed Lover?
Shawn and Gus: Come on, son!
Shawn: I apologize for my dad’s life.

Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, where are your pants!?
Henry: I’m not entirely sure, Chief.

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This Episode Sucks

Henry: That’s a feline.
Gus: That will drink you like a juice box.

Shawn: Come on, Lassie! Let the Right Ones In, buddy!
Gus: Unless you’re already undead!
Shawn: In which case, would you kindly impale yourself with a wooden stake!
Lassiter: Spencer! Guster, go away!
Juliet: Carlton, open the door!
Lassiter: O’Hara?
Henry: Give us some sort of signal you’re okay. A cough or a thump of some kind!
Lassiter: Henry?
Buzz: Should I call for the battering ram?
Lassiter: McNab!

Juliet: Is he responsive at all?
Shawn: No. Nothing. We even held a plate of bean and cheese nachos in front of his face.
Henry: How much blood was it exactly, Shawn?
Shawn: Just a little stream! It’s not like it was the end of Carrie. Or the beginning of Carrie.

Shawn: Alright, listen up buddy. This hurts me way more than it hurts you. {Shawn winds up and Gus punches him. Hard.}
Henry: Welcome back, Guster.

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The Amazing Psych-Man & Tap Man, Issue #2

1991

Young Shawn: That’s Gus. He and I are going to the comic book convention.
Henry: Just be finished saving the world before the street lights come on.
Shawn answers the door and Gus comes tapping in.

Young Shawn: Where’s you costume?
Young Gus: I’m wearing it. I’m Tap Man. The tap-dancing super hero.
Young Shawn: Yeech. How is it that you always make the wrong choice between cool and stupid?
Henry: Hey hey! Shawn. Give Guster a chance to present his case for Tap Man.
Young Gus: Tap Man meets all the super hero requirements. Super power: rhythm. Alter-ego: mild-mannered dance instructor. Arch-nemesis: River Dance Man.
Henry: Wow. That is stupid.
Young Shawn: Yeah. And plus, how does he fight?
Young Gus: Well, he confuses the bad guys with his quick syncopation, and grabs the tap sand from his trusty pouch and *Splat*! Right in the eyes.
Young Shawn: Come on, Let’s go. We’re already late.
Young Gus: To the Tapmobile! {he taps off}
Young Shawn: Are you sure no one can tell my true identity under this?
Henry: For your sake, let’s hope so.

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Dead Man’s Curveball

Shawn: What do you have, doll’s eyes?
Henry: You mocking me?!
Shawn: No, I am stating a fact. You need glasses. Last week you mistook me for Michael Chiklis!
Henry: That’s because you were dressed like Michael Chiklis!
Shawn: First of the month. Gus and I play The Commish. You know that!

Henry: Pick it up!
Shawn: Suck it!
Henry: Out! Get out!
Shawn: Suck home plate!
Henry: You suck it!

Shawn: Dad, who wears number 42?
Henry: Izzy Jackson. Organization’s top prospect. Signed a massive contract last year.
Shawn: Sweet! Let’s go. {he runs off}
Henry: How long until this stuff wears off?
Gus: Hopefully in about half an hour.

Henry: Stealing the pants off a drunk guy for a urine sample? Really, Shawn?
Shawn: Hey hey hey. Look, for the record, he removed them himself. Okay? I just hooked them with a stick and then ran off as he tried to set Gus on fire. That guy parties hard.

Shawn: Hey, ump! I need a time.
Umpire: Time! {Shawn runs out to the mound}
Mel: Hey! You can’t do that.
Henry in the stands: Oh this can’t be good.

Shawn: Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound?
Henry: Yes I do. Now that I’ve said it out loud.

Stillman: I can’t shoot Wade Boggs.
Boggs: Chicken! {Stillman runs off until Henry clotheslines him}
Shawn: Nice, Dad!

Henry: Wade Boggs! I’m a giant fan.
Cal: I’m never coming back here.
Henry: Hey, Wade, when’s Steve Garvey getting in the Hall of Fame?
Shawn: Fair question. That’s fair.

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Shawn, Interrupted

1991

Henry: Hey Shawn. How was your day?
Young Shawn: Oh, the usual. Well, I’m headed up to my room to play Legend of Zelda.
Henry: Got a call rom your school awhile ago.
Young Shawn: Uh. You did?
Henry: Mm hm. It was the nurse and she said—and I quote, “Shawn tried to get himself declared insane today.”
Young Shawn: Huh. That’s weird. Wow. I must have been in a weird fog or something. Well, the good news is I’m feeling much better now.
Henry: Ah ah ah. Shawn. It’s not that simple. Now your principal wants to have a discussion with me about putting you on Ritalin.
Young Shawn: Oh, that’s not necessary. Let’s consider this an isolated episode, okay? I’m home now, I’ll get some rest. We’ll pick this up tomorrow.
Henry: Didn’t you have your quarterly project due today?
Young Shawn: Ah… Did I? Like I said, everything was such a blur.
Henry: Kitchen table. Now.

Present Day

Henry: Shawn does have a way of… sensing the truth.
Gus: And he’s the only one of us who could actually pass for someone in need of institutionalization.
Shawn: I’ll take that as a compliment.
Gus: I wouldn’t.

Henry: Lassiter, Shawn’s our best bet at putting Bethel behind bars.
Lassiter: Dammit. Alright, fine. But this is still my case and I’m running this operation. And I insist when we’re done, he stays an extra twenty-four hours for psychiatric evaluation.
Henry: How ’bout forty-eight?
Lassiter: Done.

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In for a Penny…

Shawn: Man, I wish you were my little league coach.
Henry: Hey! Hey, I was your coach in little league.
Shawn: Really? That short-fused balding guy was you?

Shawn: What happened out there today?
Henry: The other team played better.

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The Tao of Gus

Shawn: We’ve got serious business to attend to.
Henry: Serious business? You’re going to the opening of a new cupcake store.
Gus: No, we’re going to the closing of an old cupcake store.
Shawn: And then we’re going to an opening of a new cupcake store.
Henry: Bring me back a red velvet.

Henry: You know it’s a real long shot that a car would blow a red light at the exact moment your guy was standing there.
Shawn: Dad, just look. Otherwise Gus is going to end up handing out lunch meat at airports.

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Neil Simon’s Lover’s Retreat

Henry: Listen. I’m as young on the inside as these kids are on the outside.
Gus: Yeah, but when you were that young on the outside, this was all farm land.

Henry: Are you kidding me. Neither of you thought to bring a vegetable.
Lassiter: This is a man’s weekend, not a rotary luncheon.

Henry: Don’t you think I’m a little old for you?
Chelsea (Arden Myrin): No, I like old men. Especially the balding virile type. You know. Terry Bradshaw… Shawn Connery. Oo. Dick Cheney.

Henry: You see my generation embraced a long forgotten value called respect. {beat} I just hope she got the text.

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Indiana Shawn and the Temple of the Kinda Crappy, Rusty Old Dagger

1991

Henry: Alright, Shawn. Say a few words, let’s wrap this up so we can get this dead thing off my kitchen table.
Young Shawn: I’m not ready yet.
Henry: Shawn, not again. You left the hamster in the freezer for two months while you hemmed and hawed over the appropriateness of a burial at sea.

Present Day

Henry: He’s gone. Deal with it.
Shawn: He’s not gone. He’s too good.
Henry: You’ve been hiding from the pain of death since you were a kid. Let it hurt. It’s gonna hurt.

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Heeeeere’s Lassie

Henry: Now I’m no expert in this stuff, but there’s definitely something weird going on here.
Gus: It’s not haunted.
Shawn: No, it isn’t.
Henry: I think it’s haunted.

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Shawn and the Real Girl

 

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Let’s Doo-wop It Again

Henry: You do know that Gus and those guys are going to go investigate this case without you.
Shawn: Man, I know.

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Autopsy Turvy

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True Grits

Shawn: I knew you were lying when you said you built that deck all by yourself.
Henry: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Shawn: I don’t know what happened. First I made Jules mad, then I made Thane lose faith, which cost us our fee, which made Gus cry which… is not that out of the ordinary.
Henry: Once again you find yourself stuck in the middle, Shawn, because you don’t want to take a side. But once you do, remember this: love lasts, money doesn’t. Oh come on, man. Go suck up to Juliet. You may never find a gal this good again.
Shawn: I know. But it was ten g’s!
Henry: Huh?
Shawn: Ten thousand dollars.
Henry: Are you kidding?
Shawn: Tax-free, I think.
Henry: Okay, scratch what I just said. Go buy Juliet a brooch!
Shawn: Brooch?
Henry: A tennis bracelet, a corsage… Get off the couch, go make up with Thane.
Shawn: You just said, “love lasts.”
Henry: It lasts a lot longer when you’ve got money in the bank. Trust me.

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Santabarbaratown

1991

Young Shawn: What’s going on, Dad?
Henry: What? Oh, ah, nothing. Just work stuff.
Young Shawn: Can you tell me about it?
Henry: Maybe when you’re a little older.
Young Shawn: Come on. I’m old enough to drive. I think I can handle hearing about one of your cases.
Henry: Shawn, you’re not going to be able to drive for three years.
Young Shawn: Really? Then how will Gus and I get to Vegas this weekend?
Lou Gamble (Tom Pickett): Come on, Henry. He can handle it.
Henry: Fine. But I’m calling you when he can’t sleep tonight.

Henry: We’re looking for a missing girl.
Young Shawn: What’s her name?
Henry: Veronica Towne.
Young Shawn: Where was she last seen?
Henry: This bar where she waitresses. Called the Blue Derby.
Young Shawn: What was she wearing?
Henry: Why does that matter?
Lou: A red dress. And a gold necklace with her initials on it.
Young Shawn: Thanks Lou. So do you think she was murdered?
Henry: It’s starting to look that way.
Young Shawn: Ah, who do you think did it?
Lou: A guy by the name of Jordan Beaumont. Her boss at the Blue Derby. But we can’t prove it until we find the place where he stashed the body. Or places.
Young Shawn: Gotcha.
Henry: You’re not going to be able to sleep tonight, are you?
Young Shawn: Not a wink.
Henry: Thanks Lou.

Present Day

Lassiter: How do you know so much about this case?
Henry: Because I was the lead detective, along with my partner at the time, Lou Gamble.
Shawn: May he rest in peace. Sweet old Uncle Lou had a thousand jokes about hemorrhoids. They were all hilarious.
Henry: Jordan was our lead suspect the entire time.
Juliet: So why couldn’t you get him?
Henry: Never got enough evidence.
Lassiter: So why couldn’t you get him?

Henry: I think I should also work the case.
Vick: As what? A detective?
Henry: Nobody knows it better than I do. You can reinstate me this one time.
Lassiter: Come on, Henry, with all due respect, you can’t just hop back in the game after all these years. There’s been a lot of changes on the job.
Shawn: Lassie’s right.
For example, the bicycle is no longer just one giant wheel with a tiny one in back.
Gus: And now my people can vote.

Henry: Karen, I promise you I can handle this thing, plus I owe it to Lou Gamble to solve this case. Come on. Let me finish what I started.
Vick: Okay.

Lawyer: Excuse me. Who are you?
Shawn: Shawn Spencer. That is my partner, Sh’Dynasty. It is spelled S-H-comma-to-the-top-Dynasty.
Beaumont: “Comma-to-the-top”?
Gus: That’s a God’s comma.
Shawn: And I am a badass psychic detective, Jackfonswoo.
Henry: He’s also my son.
Shawn: Dad. You took the teeth right out of my badass comment.

Lawyer: I’d be very careful how you tread here, gentlemen. We will not stand for further libelous accusations, like the ones related to Veronica Towne.
Henry: Oh, you mean the woman we found dead thirty yards from his father. {Beaumont looks shocked} Yeah, that’s right. You got anything to say about that, smartass?
Beaumont: Small world?

Henry: There’s no way that Lou Gamble had anything to do with Veronica Towne’s death.
Gus: What was his DNA doing all over her body?
Henry: I don’t know. Maybe it was a mix up in the lab, somebody tried to set him up—it doesn’t matter. Lou was a great cop and he was as decent a guy as you’ll find.
Shawn: He certainly didn’t seem like the murdering type. Then again neither did Matthew McConaughey’s character in The Lincoln Lawyer.
Gus: Ryan Phillipe was the murderer in that movie.
Shawn: Really? I never saw it.

Shawn: Are you kidding me? You just crashed at the police station.
Gus: Playas don’t crash, Shawn. They rest their eyes and then they refuel. {he spills more candy on the carpet}
Henry: Burton!

Ida Lane (Lolita Davidovich): Detective Spencer, right?
Henry: Ida Lane. I thought you’d have found a new line of work by now.
Ida: I was about to say the same thing to you.

Henry: This is my son Shawn and his partner Gus.
Ida: Nice. I voted against Prop 8.
Gus: We’re partners in a detective agency.
Shawn: But we’re also lovers in the nighttime.
Gus: Will you stop it.
Shawn: We’re like The Insiders except even more gay.
Gus: The Insiders were not gay, and neither were we.

Woody: So. I’ve been doing some more work on Veronica here and two interesting things came up. One: I believe she went to Virginia Tech. Notice the VT on her necklace.
Gus: Which stands for Veronica Towne.
Woody: Scratch that. Second thing—this is the bombshell—she had recently given birth.
Henry: Are you sure?
Woody: One hundred percent. The lab confirms it.

Henry: No wonder I could never get a leg up on the investigation.
Jack Atwater (Jerry Wasserman): I’ll give you this: you weren’t an easy guy to throw off.

Vick: I’m trying to convince your father to stay on as a detective just a little longer. He hasn’t missed a step.
Henry: Hear hear.
Shawn: Nope. My detective days are over. So’s my career in police work.
Henry: What?
Vick: Wait. You’re retiring?
Shawn: Effective immediately. My resignation letter’s already on your desk.
Vick: Woah woah woah. Is this because I yelled at you for the pants thing?

Shawn: What? Your old police hat? You remember I used to put this thing on as a kid, run all over the house bumping into stuff. Dreaming that one day I’d be this amazing cop. Just like my old man.
Henry: Yeah, well. I guess your perception of me has changed a little since then, huh?
Shawn: Actually it’s quite the contrary.
Henry: What do you say you and I go out and grab a beer a little later.
Shawn: Beer? Well that’s not really our thing is it?
Henry: Yeah, I know. Maybe we can change that now that I have some time on my hands.
Shawn: I’m not gonna lie to you, a cold beer sounds rich and delicious. We should go now. Let’s get one now.
Henry: First I gotta break some bad news to an old friend.

Henry: It’s not too late to do the right thing, Jerry.
Jerry Carp (Max Gail): I’m sorry, Henry. {he shoots him}

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