Psych Carlton Lassiter

Season 6


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Shawn Rescues Darth Vader

Carlton “Lassie” Lassiter (Timothy Omundson): Name.
Juliet “Jules” O’Hara (Maggie Lawson): Juliet. {Lassiter eyes her} O’Hara.
Lassiter: Hm. No sign of deception. Truth.
Juliet: See? It’s working fine. Let’s go.
Lassiter: One more question, one more question. Are you… what’s a good question… I don’t know. Are you currently dating anyone? Answer any time you like. Hm. I see you’re experiencing some stress.
Juliet: I don’t see what this has to do with anything.
Lassiter: Just a control question. You and I both know you’re not dating anyone, right? So simple answer truthfully and we’ll know the machine is working properly. Like you say it is. Unless of course you are dating somebody and you don’t want to tell anybody.
Juliet: What are you getting at?
Lassiter: Nothing. I’m simply testing a potentially defective piece of machinery, and since partners don’t lie or keep secrets from each other because we put our lives in each other’s hands, I’m asking a question I believe I know the answer to: are you currently or have you ever been in a relationship with anyone at the station.
Juliet: Well see that’s a different question.
Lassiter: Answer either one. I’m flexible.

Shawn: I’m seeing a woman!
Lassiter: Really? Can you tell me her name? Or is it a secret?
Shawn: A dead woman.

Lassiter: Great job, Spencer. You had a vision at a diplomat’s house. Next time why don’t you try to get us into North Korea. It’ll be easier.

Juliet: Well?
Lassiter: Well what?
Juliet: Well don’t you think you owe me an apology?
Lassiter: You know what? You’re right? I’m sorry. I’m sorry for expecting a little bit of honesty out of you.
Juliet: Ugh. We’re still on that?
Lassiter: Still on what?
Shawn: Hey guys, what’s going on?
Juliet: Okay, fine. I am seeing Shawn. We have been dating for awhile. We kept it from you. Does that make you happy?
Lassiter: Happy’s not the word. I think we need to see the chief.
Juliet: Oh, okay, so now you want to tell on us?
Lassiter: Actually, O’Hara, I think we need to see the chief about getting me a new partner. One I can trust.

Shawn: We also have evidence that Annabeth York had new evidence regarding this case.
Lassiter: We do?
Shawn: I didn’t tell you that? Yeah. Yeah, I divined that she was killed because she was very close to identifying the murderer.
Lassiter: Thanks for sharing, Spencer. Man, you really put the “me” in team.

Shawn: Look, I’m strongly sensing it’s not her.
Juliet: Her DNA was all over the body.
Lassiter: And she immediately invoked immunity.
: You’d use it if you could get it. It’s more addictive than little crack nuggets.
Gus: And House Hunters International.

Lassiter: Forty-seven violations and you never made it into a car. Solid work, Spencer.

Lassiter: One more question.
Shawn: If it’ll make you happy.
Lassiter: I think it will. Are you psychic?
Shawn: Excuse me?
Lassiter: Are you—Shawn Spencer—psychic?
Henry: You’re gonna have to answer that one, Shawn.

Lassiter: I’ve known you for six years, Spencer. I know your little act. You do your little dance, you beat polygraph machines. You always manage to guess the right culprit after missing the first four or five times. You whip that hair around and fall over every reasonable girl that Guster hasn’t unsuccessfully hit on already. And now, you’ve made your ay to O’Hara.
Shawn: What? Oh come on, it’s not like that.
Lassiter: When I first met you, you outted my relationship with my former partner. Who I really liked by the way. Got her transferred. That doesn’t matter now. My point is: if you don’t treat O’Hara with the respect she deserves or if you hurt her in any way I will discharge my pistol.
Shawn: You’re saying you’ll shoot me.
Lassiter: Repeatedly. {the lie detector concurs}.

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Last Night Gus

Juliet: Okay, well as fun as this is I think I’m gonna scoot.
Shawn: No!
Gus: You’re leaving? What about Jim?
Juliet: I don’t even know Jim. Plus I have to work on the D.A.’s case. Lassiter and I have to testify in court tomorrow.
Gus: Lassiter’s still here.
Juliet: Lassiter’s sleeping.

Lassiter: Oh dear Lord, please tell me this is a dream.
Woody waking up: Calm down. Peaches. Come back to bed.
Lassiter: Whatever you think happened last night didn’t happen, because nothing happened you got it?
Shawn: That’s nice, Lassie. Way to belittle the man.
Woody: Yeah, Detective. I do have feelings.
Gus: What is all over your face?
Woody: I can’t be sure. {checks} Oh god. You didn’t see a small Colombian with a hook for an arm, did you?
Gus: No.
Woody: Why do you have a black eye?
Lassiter: Okay. It’s nothing to freak about. Everybody relax. It’s no big deal, it’s just a small shiner.
Shawn: Lassie’s absolutely right. His lover’s spat with Woody is really none of our business.

Shawn: Uh oh.
Lassiter: My baby! Son of a— . It’s missing three bullets. I can tell by the weight. It’s three light. It’s been fired.
Gus: Shouldn’t someone start freaking out right now?

Chief Vick: Detective Lassiter, why are you wearing sunglasses at an autopsy?
Lassiter: I—
Shawn: Chief, if I may. Lassie spoke to us all about a week ago about wearing sunglasses to all autopsies moving forward to show respect for the dead. I simply forgot. And Gus refused because he has no value for human life.

Lassiter: Plus I’ve got Shawn and Gus to help me.
Juliet: I’m sorry. You’re requesting to work with Shawn and Gus? What is going on? And please take those sunglasses off.
Lassiter: You put some sunglasses on!

Lassiter: Okay, I think I’m going to turn myself in.
Shawn: What, for spooning with Woody?

Shawn: Lassie, I need you to look inwards. Take a swim in Lake You. See what you see. We can do this.
Lassiter: Spencer, I can’t survive without the facts. I don’t know what happened last night. I’ve never lost control of my faculties in my life.
Woody: Me neither. Unless I’m being tickled. Then all bets are off.
Shawn: What about me, fellahs? I’m not having any psychic visions. Flashbacks or recreation flashbacks. Or recreation flashbacks with new psychic visions! I mean imagine you weren’t just a plain, gangly average human, huh?. That you could wink at someone and light up their world! That you could make a child think that you have given them an ice cream cone without giving them the cone! And then watch them skip off into a beautiful meadow licking nothing but air! Imagine that!

Shawn: I am sensing that our victim was some kind of stalker.
Lassiter: Stalker?
Shawn: Yeah, I get a vision. Of a blonde woman. Attractive, in a soccer mom sort of way. Kind of Teri Garr-esque.

Lassiter: Okay. First off, I didn’t realize peyote stayed in your system so many years. I have only myself and my then-girlfriend Lollypop to blame. Secondly, Guster, your cholesterol is really high!
Shawn: Man, I told you eating something called “stick of butter in a bun” was a bad idea.
Gus: I can’t help it, Shawn. My body craves buttery goodness.

Lassiter: I am sorry for your loss.

Lassiter: Hello?
Woody: Guten tag.
Lassiter: There’s been another body.
Woody: I just got verified on Twitter.
Shawn: Oh, that’s nice. Good for you.
Woody: Thanks.

Juliet: You asked me to move in with you.
Shawn: Lassiter killed Williams.
Juliet: Lassiter killed Williams?
Shawn: Move in? We’ve only been together for like four months.
Juliet: Again: Lassiter killed this man?
Shawn: I don’t think he did. Not anymore.

Chief Vick: Does someone want to explain to me what happened last night?
Lassiter: Okay, I just want to go on record and say I was on that couch first.
Chief Vick: I don’t even know what that was supposed to mean.

View all quotes from Last Night Gus

This Episode Sucks

Bartender: What’s your poison?
Lassiter: Humanity.
Bartender: Bad day in the universe, huh?
Lassiter: Eh. They all sort of run together. Unless a corpse resurfaces and a body [?] liquidates some nut loving rodentia.

Marlowe Viccellio (Kristy Swanson): I hope you weren’t saving this stool for someone else.
Lassiter: Do I know you? Or do you think I’m someone else?
Marlowe toasting: To the night.

Marlowe: So what’s your story, Carlton.
Lassiter: How do you know my name?
Marlowe: I asked you first.
Lassiter: Are you a prostitute?
Marlowe: Is that the vibe I’m giving off? I’m sorry, no. I’m just um, just a little I don’t know…
Lassiter: Lonely.

Marlowe: So you gonna tell me about yourself or not?
Lassiter: Yep. {he throw back his drink} Well you already know my name. I come here to unwind because my job can be… intense. I often pretend I’m Clint Eastwood.
Marlowe: Even in Blood Work?
Lassiter impressed: Mostly Heartbreak Ridge.
Marlowe: Please continue.
Lassiter: I’m somewhat recently divorced, I believe there’s little to no room for interpretation when it comes to the United States Constitution, and I have an unusually high threshold for pain.

Lassiter: How did you know my name?
Marlowe: Why don’t you hold that thought while I go freshen up. We’re gonna need more whiskey.

Lassiter: What did you find out about the girl I met last night?
Buzz: I might need a little bit more to go on, sir.
Lassiter: What do you mean? What more do you need? I told you: she’s blonde and pale and perfect and beautiful and perfect. So get me a name and get me an address. And get me some aspirin.

Lassiter: Please tell me why they’re at my crime scene.
Shawn: Lassie, it’s not her fault. She told me not to follow her and I thought she told me not to be pregnant with swine.

Shawn: What we’re up against here is no mere mortal. I’m afraid this very well may be the work {dramatic pause} of a vampire.
Gus: Sookie is mine!
Juliet ignoring them: What are you thinking, partner?
Lassiter: Actually I’m going to have to go with Spencer on this one.

Lassiter: You don’t live alone.
Marlowe: No, it’s me and three guys.
Lassiter: Have you ever dated, thought about dating or had any casual relations with these free-loading parasites?
Marlowe: No. Is this an interrogation?
Lassiter: Believe me, I wish it weren’t, but… Where’s the necklace?
Marlowe: I don’t understand.
Lassiter: “For all eternity.” The necklace.

Juliet: Carlton, what exactly is going on here?
Lassiter: I suppose I do owe you an explanation, partner. I owe you two nothing and you look like a couple of asshats in those ridiculous costumes.
Shawn: I’m dangerous. In a sexy way.
Marlowe: More like a gay way.
Gus: Well I’m straight-up iconic.
Marlowe: I wouldn’t call Count Chocula an icon.

Shawn: Come on, Lassie! Let the Right Ones In, buddy!
Gus: Unless you’re already undead!
Shawn: In which case, would you kindly impale yourself with a wooden stake!
Lassiter: Spencer! Guster, go away!
Juliet: Carlton, open the door!
Lassiter: O’Hara?
Henry: Give us some sort of signal you’re okay. A cough or a thump of some kind!
Lassiter: Henry?
Buzz: Should I call for the battering ram?
Lassiter: McNab!

Shawn: Come on, let’s hug it out.
Lassiter: I would rather learn to play the harp.
Shawn: Okay.

Shawn: Hey, Lassie. I just wanted to say, you know, that the sea is vast. And filled with many strange creatures. And corals. Mostly divorced corals. Probably with a bunch of kids. And they’re just looking for any old crustacean with a steady income, so—
Lassiter: Sorry, Spencer. No time for your empty, bone-headed musings. I’m late for an appointment.

Marlowe: I wasn’t sure you’d come.
Lassiter: I’m a man of my word.
Marlowe: I’m so sorry. I wish I’d—
Lassiter: You did what you thought you had to do.

Lassiter: Can I ask you something?
Marlowe: Anything.
Lassiter: Where would you rate Pink Cadillac in the Eastwood canon?
Marlowe: Not very high, I’m afraid. I mean I suppose it’s a good companion piece to City Heat, but he’s much funnier with the orangutan.

Lassiter: My Dear Marlowe,
I will wait for you these six to eighteen months. See You Next Wednesday.

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The Amazing Psych-Man & Tap Man, Issue #2

Lassiter: What the hell’s this?
Gus: He’s too cheap to pay the caricature artist at the pier thirty dollars so he decided to get one this way.
Lassiter: That’ll be all. {to Shawn} You are done wasting our time.
Shawn: I’ll say when I’m done! Alright, I’m done wasting everyone’s time.

Lassiter: Alright, that’s it. The last thing we need is a bunch of reporters twisting our words. Especially you copy monkeys at The Mirror. Don’t think I’ve forgotten about the whole Detective Dipstick incident.

October 26

Lassiter: The Mantis took out four perps. Single handedly.
Gus: Again, without a gun or needless bloodshed. That is classic super hero moral code.

Shawn: Well. He escalated the game alright.
Lassiter: Yeah. To murder.

Lassiter: Spencer, why are you wearing that ridiculous get-up? What are you supposed to be, anyway? The Turtle?
Shawn: I’m The Catch. Though I might have to borrow The Turtle if The Catch is already taken. That’s not bad, The Turtle.

Juliet: He really deserves all the credit.
Lassiter: I wouldn’t say that. Not that it isn’t true,
I just wouldn’t say it.
Shawn: Oh come on. You might like it if you try it.
Lassiter: I would rather spend the rest of my life at Lillith Fair.

View all quotes from The Amazing Psych-Man & Tap Man, Issue #2

Dead Man’s Curveball

Umpire: You’re outta there! Game over!
Lassiter: Son of a…
Gus: This guy!

Mel: I wanted to give him a piece of my mind. I’ll admit that. But I never found him. Hey, you guys gotta believe me.
Lassiter: We don’t.

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Shawn, Interrupted

Lassiter: This verdict is an absolute travesty of justice!
Juliet: I am as outraged by it as you.
Lassiter: I busted my ass to nail this guy and now he gets to stay in a cushy mental hospital talking about his feelings instead of rotting in prison, busting rocks and building the cross country railroad.
Shawn: Wow. They can sentence you to go back in time?

Henry: Lassiter, Shawn’s our best bet at putting Bethel behind bars.
Lassiter: Dammit. Alright, fine. But this is still my case and I’m running this operation. And I insist when we’re done, he stays an extra twenty-four hours for psychiatric evaluation.
Henry: How ’bout forty-eight?
Lassiter: Done.

Daniel Bethel (Matthew Harrison): Oh my god. Has something happened to my brother?
Lassiter: No no. He’s fine. Actually he’s insane. Or not. It’s hard to tell at this point.

Lassiter: Much as I hate to say it, it’s time to get Spencer out of the looney bin.

Juliet: That was the hospital. Shawn just broke Bethel out.
Lassiter: That’s your boyfriend.
Juliet: I know.

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In for a Penny…

Chief Vick: So what’s the story with these guys?
Lassiter: This group of thieves hit West Medical Supply earlier this morning, made off with a couple dozen oxygen tanks.
Shawn: Because of the Great Oxygen Drought.
Gus: Hold your breath, people. Do your part.

Lassiter: Idiots.
Juliet: What he said.

Juliet: I thought I was clear before. The only people allowed here are the people working the case.
Mr. O’Hara: But Jule, I am working the case.
Juliet: What are you talking about? Shawn, what is he talking about?
Lassiter: This is awkward.

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The Tao of Gus

Juliet: Don’t go anywhere near this one.
Gus: Why’s that?
Lassiter: Because Janis Joplin over there is crazier than Janice Dickinson.

Lassiter: Eli, I’m going to need to interrogate your entire herd of weirdos.

Lassiter: Should I shoot him in the leg?
Shawn: No. Dot’s got mad wheels.

View all quotes from The Tao of Gus

Neil Simon’s Lover’s Retreat

Lassiter: Do what I do. Put your laundry outside and blast the place with Right Guard.
Gus: Your girlfriend’s gonna wish she stayed in prison. Don’t you usually see her on Saturdays?
Lassiter: Yeah, but she got thrown in solitary for dry gulching a homegirl in the chow line. She sure hates cutsies.

Lassiter: I’ll tell ya, if I weren’t in a serious and meaningful relationship, I could be doing all sorts of damage up in this hizzie. Am I saying that right? “Hizzie.”?

Lassiter: Don’t get me wrong, Guster, you have a certain sort of charm about you. But I’m a classic. I never go out of style. I’m like pleated pants.

Henry: Are you kidding me. Neither of you thought to bring a vegetable.
Lassiter: This is a man’s weekend, not a rotary luncheon.

Gus: Chelsea, it was pleasure meeting you, but I need to head to Ojai to kill my best friend in the world.
Lassiter: And I need to help him bury the body.

Henry crawls into the backseat
Lassiter: You’re an idiot.

Lassiter: Who are Clive and Barbie?
Shawn: Clive and Barbie are cold-blooded murderers who lie and make tennis dates they have no intention of keeping. And… they have my Nintendo.

Housekeeping: You could have just asked me to open the door, you know. Instead of pulling your gun on me.
Lassiter: Sorry. It’s force of habit.
Housekeeping: Jerk.
Lassiter: That’s fair.

Gus: I think after this weekend, I can go without seeing you guys for awhile.
Lassiter and Henry: Agreed!

View all quotes from Neil Simon’s Lover’s Retreat

Indiana Shawn and the Temple of the Kinda Crappy, Rusty Old Dagger

Holme: I want him jailed!
Lassiter: Mr. Holme, as much as that idea pleases me, you can’t actually put someone in jail for being stupid.
Shawn: Or for being a good samaritan.
Holme: Or stupid! It does bear repeating.

Holme: He financed expeditions to the remote corners of the earth, in search of the rarest artifacts.
Juliet: I get it. He’s Howard Hughes and Indiana Jones.
Holme: The terms of his will stipulates that on the fiftieth anniversary of his death—which was last Thursday—his entire collection should be removed from the Louvre and brought to the Santa Barbara Museum of Art.
Lassiter: Where it stayed for exactly one hour until your boyfriend lost it.

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Heeeeere’s Lassie

Lassiter: You are looking at the newest resident of Prospect Gardens.
McNab: The Prospect Gardens?
Lassiter: Yes, McNab. “The” Prospect Gardens. Try and hide your jealousy. You’re embarrassing yourself.
McNab: I heard that place has bad juju.
Lassiter: No you didn’t.
McNab: You’re right. Congratulations.

Lassiter: I’m here because I have a… situation at my new condo.
Shawn: Dead hookers.
Gus: Robot cockroaches.
Lassiter: I heard things.

Lassiter: You understand why I’m upset, right?
Shawn: Lassie, we have to be prepared for any and all scenarios.
Gus: Including ones that may involve spirits, shades or sprites. Even thought we know it’s not any of that.

Lloyd (Louis Gossett, Jr): Don’t you ever touch me, son.
Lassiter: Duly noted.

Gus: That’ll be one thousand dollars.
Lassiter: Fine. So the creepy twins live in the building. But I haven’t touched my chairs since someone or something put them on top of the table.

Shawn: I think this is just a case of your imagination getting the best of you.
Happens to Gus and I once every seven days.
Lassiter: This is not my imagination. Alright, think about it. How sure must I have been that something nefarious is at play here for me to come to you two dunderheads for help.

Juliet: Alright, if you could think of one thing in the world that could make you feel better right now, what would it be?
Lassiter: I wouldn’t say no to a sloppy joe.

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Shawn and the Real Girl

Lassiter: Listen up, fifteen minuters! Todd Cramer’s crash was not an accident. Someone is trying to kill the contestants of this… pathetic replacement for human interaction.

View all quotes from Shawn and the Real Girl

Let’s Doo-wop It Again

Gus: Any ideas on Deacon’s shooter?
Lassiter: No. All we know is that he went back to the green room after the fundraiser and a single shot was fired.

Lassiter: Guster, it is bad enough that I’m forced to work with Spencer week after week, but I am sure as heck not going to discuss police strategy with you and The Pips.

Marlowe (Kristy Swanson): I’m just thinking about how lucky I am to have a boyfriend that’s so committed to our relationship and working on getting me an early release.
Lassiter: Marlowe, I would move heaven and earth to be with you. Just as long as that movement is in accordance with the state laws of California.

Drake (Mekhi Phifer): Damn, Jail Girl. You fine.
Lassiter: You watch your mouth, Barry White. That’s my lady.
Drake: Oh come on. I mean at some point he’s gotta run out of black artist references, right?
Gus: There’s a lot of them.

Gus: We need to get inside Chuy’s headquarters and find some clues now.
Lassiter: Well luckily I’m wearing my probably cause door-kicking shoes.

Lassiter: Let’s hope Spencer’s hunch about Tina pays off.
Gus: Something about it isn’t sitting right with me. Didn’t it seem odd to you guys that Shawn was so sure?
Lassiter: When have Spencer’s hunches not seemed odd?
Juliet: We just thought he felt really strongly about this one.
Gus: No, I know Shawn. The stronger he feels about something the sillier he’ll act. He’ll make an obscure analogy or, if anything, he’ll say he’s two hundred percent sure, knowing good and well that I’ll correct him. Because that’s impossible. But this time he said he was one hundred percent sure. It’s too simple. Plus he would never refer to us as Blackapella.

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Autopsy Turvy

Woody: I don’t make mistakes.
Lassiter: Says the guy who left his keys in an old lady’s spleen last month.
Woody: Oh please, Detective. Like you’ve never lost your keys?

Lassiter: Let’s pay her a visit and make this little piggy squeal.
Juliet: Or we could just ask her some questions.
Lassiter: we could. But it’s never as much fun.

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True Grits

Lassiter: So you two breaking up over this?
Shawn: No!
Juliet: Of course not!
Lassiter: Don’t forget, I used to be involved with someone on the force. It can get very tricky keeping work issues from becoming personal. Now that I’m dating an incarcerated civilian, things are much simpler. Minus the two-inch glass and the leg shackles.

Juliet: I don’t take it personally that Shawn took on Thane’s case. Even though I am fairly certain that he is guilty.
Shawn: And I don’t take it personally that Juliet feels that way. Even though she simply couldn’t be wronger.
Lassiter: You two are so breaking up over this.

Lassiter: All convicts say they’re innocent, or they’re framed, or “Stop choking me.” But at the end of the day, Thane Woodsen was definitely guilty of something.
Shawn: Not according to the Innocence Project.
Lassiter: Which is why they’re high on my list of enemies. Right behind Internal Affairs, UNICEF and Lance Bass. {pause} Don’t ask.

Lassiter: So when things fall apart with Spencer and you, Marlowe and I met the perfect person.
Juliet: That means that person is in prison. And is a woman.
Lassiter: Which one of those is a problem?

Shawn: You’re really enjoying this, aren’t you?
Lassiter: I do like it when you get your comeuppance.
Shawn: I like it when you shutuppance.

Lassiter about the video footage: Well maybe this is his way of saying “thank you” for trying to clear his good name.

Shawn: Man, Thane. If you had seen the video we saw, you would have been like, “Damn. That dude is guilty.”
Gus: You know that’s right.
Thane: What? Man, you guys are supposed to believe me.
Gus: And you’re supposed to not get arrested for killing someone.
Shawn: Talk about what they’re supposed to do, what they’re not supposed to do.
Lassiter: He has a very good point.

Lassiter: Man, how many got out of jail free cards does a guy get?
Shawn: Two. One in Chance, one in the Community Chest.

Jasmine (Sharon Taylor): As far as the diamonds go, they were a gift from my lousy ex.
Juliet: Carl Dozier?
Jasmine: Yes. He brought ’em by trying to win me back, but I said “hell no” and I threw him out.
Lassiter: But you kept the diamonds?
Jasmine: They’re not the ones who slept with my sister.

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Lassiter: How do you know so much about this case?
Henry: Because I was the lead detective, along with my partner at the time, Lou Gamble.
Shawn: May he rest in peace. Sweet old Uncle Lou had a thousand jokes about hemorrhoids. They were all hilarious.
Henry: Jordan was our lead suspect the entire time.
Juliet: So why couldn’t you get him?
Henry: Never got enough evidence.
Lassiter: So why couldn’t you get him?

Henry: I think I should also work the case.
Vick: As what? A detective?
Henry: Nobody knows it better than I do. You can reinstate me this one time.
Lassiter: Come on, Henry, with all due respect, you can’t just hop back in the game after all these years. There’s been a lot of changes on the job.
Shawn: Lassie’s right.
For example, the bicycle is no longer just one giant wheel with a tiny one in back.
Gus: And now my people can vote.

Lassiter: I’ll bring him back in. Dead or alive.
Vick: Alive.
Lassiter: Fine. Didn’t say anything about conscious.

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