The Unblairable Lightness of Being

Gossip Girl: Up and at ’em, Upper East Siders. It’s time to awake from our slumber and learn the hard truth. That some nightmares don’t end once we open our eyes.

Serena: Want to tell us what’s going on?
Chuck: I thought our relationship could withstand anything. Apparently I was wrong.
Serena: Well you still love her don’t you? Then show her that you’re sorry. Take her to Blue Hill Upstate or buy her those Louboutins at Saks.
Chuck: I could buy Saks itself and it still wouldn’t be enough. She doesn’t want to talk to me. I tried.
Serena: When?
Nate: Look, you haven’t been outside in days.
Chuck: She asked me to leave her alone.
Serena: You don’t want to wait too long, Chuck, or she’ll think you don’t care.

Eleanor (Margaret Colin): Dorota. What on earth is going on?
Dorota: I am sorry, Miss Eleanor, Mr. Cyrus. That was my mother. She come with Father to New York on Monday.
Cyrus (Wallace Shawn): But that’s wonderful! I can’t wait to meet them. Maybe we could all go have the vodka flight at the Russian Samovar.
Dorota: We go nowhere once they see me. My parents don’t know I’m pregnant. And since I’m not married they will disown me. Or worse. They will kidnap and take back to Old Country.

Cyrus: Nate!
Eleanor: Hello, Nathaniel.
Nate: I’m here to see the invalid.
Eleanor: And not a moment too soon. She hasn’t left her room for days. It’s like living with Howard Hughes. Blair is upstairs. I hope you can make some headway with her. I am not allowed to cross the transom.

Blair: Great, he sent Good Cop.
Nate: Chuck didn’t send me.
Blair: Serena.
Nate: Look, we’re concerned about our best friends. And whatever he did, I’m sure you can find a suitable punishment for him.
Blair: There is no punishment for what he did.

Blair: What did Chuck tell you about how he got his hotel back?
Nate: He didn’t. He just said, “Money solves everything.”
Blair: He didn’t use money. He used me. As a trade.
Nate: C’mon. No way.
Blair: He set me up to sleep with Jack in exchange for his beloved Empire. So now do you see why I couldn’t tell anyone.
Nate: Oh my god.

Cyrus: My Slavic language skills are a little rusty, but I’m pretty sure she just said “Over my dead goat.” Or body. The words are very similar.
Eleanor: Cyrus! Come away from there. Eavesdropping on the help is undignified. Plus it confuses them.

Chuck: Well. I haven’t heard that much overwrought Polish drama since I cancelled my BAM subscription. What is going on?

Dorota: Every marriage I know fail if wedding has no tradition. Where did you and Mr. Harold get married?
Eleanor: I don’t think that’s the reason the marriage didn’t work out.

Eleanor: Blair does love herself a wedding.

Dorota: Please. Miss Blair, Mr. Chuck. Will you be happy couple for Vanya and me?
Chuck: Well I can’t speak for Blair but it would be my great pleasure.

Gossip Girl: Poor B just realized that Chuck will do anything to keep the flame alive.

Carter Baizen (Sebastian Stan): Hello Beautiful. Glad you came.

Gossip Girl: As for Serena, looks like she’s playing with fire.

Chuck: You look like you need a task.
Blair: What I need is a Zofran. All this disingenuous generosity is making me want to vomit.
Chuck: There’s nothing disingenuous about it. I’m happy I can give Dorota and Vanya the dream wedding that they deserve.
Blair: The only reason you’re giving it is so you can spend time with me. You know weddings are my weakness.
Chuck: Really? It never occurred to me.
Blair: Everything occurs to you, Chuck.
Chuck: Blair, you and I are magnetic. You can feel it. The pull is as undeniable as ever.
Blair: It’s different this time.
Chuck: It doesn’t have to be. I love you. Saying it was hard but I did and I’ve never looked back. So now I’m asking you, please do this for me. Please forgive me.
Blair: I’m sorry. I can’t.

Nate: Thank god you’re here! I need help with the flowers. You know, I wish I was kidding.

Nate: I know what you did.
Chuck: Blair told you.
Nate: Yeah, she did. She didn’t want to, but she did. I mean this time you have crossed a line.
Chuck: In your rush to pass judgment, did you ever consider you don’t know the entire truth. What exactly did Blair say?
Nate: That you traded her for the hotel. No. No, you deserve to be alone.
Chuck: I may be heartless, but you’re naive. I made the deal, sure. But Blair didn’t know that when she went to Jack. I guess she left that part out. I can feel your brain strain, Nathaniel. I don’t expect you to understand.
Nate: What’s that supposed to mean?
Chuck: You and Serena have it easy. Until now your biggest concern is who’s hair is shinier. Did she tell you where she was this morning?
Nate: She went to breakfast at the Humphrey’s, what does it matter?
Chuck: Well, did she tell you Carter Baizen’s back in town? Because my friend at the Regis did. And guess who he saw with Carter this morning.
Nate: No. You have no idea what you’re even talking about.
Chuck: No, you have no idea what I’m talking about, and that’s the problem.

Serena: B, I know you and Chuck are going through a hard time right now. But do you at least think what he did was romantic?
Blair: Oh my god, this was your idea.
Serena: I may have encouraged him to make a gesture but throwing a whole wedding was his idea.
Blair: That’s the thing with him, S. Everything is a game.
Serena: But that’s what makes you guys so good together. You love games. That’s who you are.
Blair: The last game we played we both lost.

Gossip Girl: Surprise, S. A special delivery courtesy of Little J. I guess good things don’t always come in small packages.

Chuck Bass. I hear a lot about you. You’re infamous in Brighton Beach.
Chuck: I’m guessing so are you.

Serena: I should have told you you about Carter. I bumped into him on the street the other day and I told him we could have coffee and that’s it.
Nate: That’s not how Carter made it seem.
Serena: You know how he is. He convinced his fourth grade class at Dalton that Barney’s was named after the dinosaur.

Cyrus: The papers are signed!
Eleanor: Papers? What papers? Did you get her a puppy?
Cyrus: Even better. An apartment!
Eleanor: An apartment. Have you gone crazy? I was thinking more of a Vera Wang cake knife.
Cyrus: A cake knife is not enough. The apartment is great. It’s in Queens—an easy commute on the subway.
Eleanor: Why does Dorota need an apartment in Queens when she lives in a penthouse on the Upper East Side?
Cyrus: She’s getting married. They have a baby on the way. I figured—
Eleanor: You figured wrong. Getting Dorota an apartment is highly inappropriate. She’s just a maid. For goodness sake!
Cyrus: But Dorota is family. She practically raised Blair.

Dorota: Miss Blair, you go down!

Chuck: Looks like we might win.
Blair: Well you can have the doll. I’m sure you’ll know what to do with five women with removable heads.

Blair: This game is over.

Dan: Hey. You okay?
Blair: No. I’m not. Why do you even care? You’ve always thought the worst of Chuck and me. You think we’re horrible. Depraved. Soulless.
Dan: I may have used all of those words at one point or another, but… I’m sorry, I’m not following. What’s going on? Did Chuck do something?
Blair: No, it’s not just what he did. It’s what I did. This whole time I was blaming him but it was me too. I’ve become the person you always thought I was.
Dan: Look Blair, you’re not— I don’t think you’re that bad of a person. Maybe not my type but you’re not terrible. And whatever it is that happened between you and Chuck I’m sure you can fix it. Because if there’s a pair meant for one another, it’s you two.
Blair: You’re absolutely right. Chuck and Blair. Blair and Chuck. Who else could love me after what I’ve become. Thank you for helping me see, Humphrey. Your ice is melting.

Rufus: Hi this is Rufus Humphrey. I’ve left a few messages for my wife Lily and haven’t heard back. And she didn’t call me at her usual time. I know you have rules about no phones. Lily Humphrey. Maybe it’s under Lily van der Woodsen. Bass. Rhodes?

Gossip Girl: Looks like Lily’s caught in a lie. Guess it’s the truth that’s getting massaged.

Blair: Everything you said last night was true. We’re both sick and twisted. If you think about it, we’re incredibly fortunate to have even found each other.
Chuck: Blair, I don’t want this to be you settling. Some sort of consolation.
Blair: We both hit rock bottom, Chuck. But we’ve hit it together. At least we won’t be lonely in hell.

Serena: What else do you want me to do?
Nate: I want you to stop seeing him.
Serena: I know you’re upset. But that doesn’t give you the right to tell me who I can and can’t see.
Nate: With Carter. Yes, it does.

Blair: I can’t keep pretending and I can’t lie to you, Dorota. Chuck and I aren’t happy. At all. And if we walk you in, your marriage wild be jinxed.

Gossip Girl: Poor Chuck. Looks like he’s got a runaway bridesmaid on his hands.

Dorota: I came to America to start new life, to make new traditions. And lucky for me, I find great people to do this with. I find my family.
Blair: When I saw how happy you and Vanya are, I realized how unhappy I am.
Dorota: I wish you to be like me one day. To find right love— good love. Don’t need you to be happy couple, Miss Blair. I just need you to be happy.

Elliot: Hi Eric.
Eric: Hi. Elliot. What are you doing here?
Elliot: I love Dorota. We’re tight now. We talked about The Vampire Diaries in the elevator on Friday.

Eleanor: You were right. Dorota is family. I guess I was just too scared to admit it because I didn’t want to admit that anyone could raise my daughter better than I could.
Cyrus: But you’re a great mother.
Eleanor: I could have been better. Like there was some stuff that happened before you came along.

Blair: I want what Dorota and Vanya have. Real love. Pure and simple love.
Chuck: You’d be bored within five minutes.
Blair: Better bored than ashamed of myself. I would do anything for you, Chuck. But what if that’s wrong? I never thought it was possible to love someone too much but maybe it is. I don’t like who I’ve become with you.
Chuck: Wait. Blair. Don’t bail on me. We have to see this through ’til the end.
Blair: This is the end, Chuck.

Gossip Girl: Goodbye Baizen. Hello Palm Beach. With Carter out of the picture, it looks like Serena’s making room for Daddy.

Rufus: I love my wife but I’ve had it with all the lies. Tell me what’s going on or I’m walking out this door and I’m never looking back.
Cece: Rufus. You’re right that Lily’s not with me but more than that it’s not my place to say. I’m afraid you’ll have to get the rest from Lily.

Dan: Just to clarify: I do think you deserve to be with someone who makes you happy.
Blair: Well coming as it does from someone who dates Vanessa Abrams, it means very little to me. But still. Thank you, Humphrey.

Nate: Hey Chuck, what are you doing?
Chuck: Don’t look so surprised. I’m single now. This is who I am.

Elliot: Hey. Wanna dance?
Eric: Um. Shouldn’t you be doing that with your girlfriend?
Elliot: Chelsea took off. We kind of got into a fight.
Eric: I’m sorry.
Elliot: I’m not. She was mad because I kept talking about this guy that I met in the lobby of my building. And then I dragged her out to Queens. I guess I’m a little obsessed.
Eric: I don’t get it. You like girls.
Elliot: But I also like boys. And I like you.

Gossip Girl: While most people think it’s our brain that controls our actions, it’s often our heart that gets the biggest workout. It can make us do the craziest of things. But it can also let us take a chance on new adventures. Because when we open our heart we can explore a world of love. And be pleasantly surprised by the people already in our life. But unfortunately our hearts are very sensitive. And when they’re broken everything around us is shattered. Total eclipse of the heart. XOXO —Gossip Girl.