Dan: We just started dating. Isn’t it a little soon for “Meet the Parents”?
Vanessa (Jessica Szohr): Not for Olivia. She seems really easygoing and into you.
Jenny: Yeah. Seriously Dan. Play the parent card. People like you more when they meet your family.
Nate: Didn’t you spend a summer in Monte Carlo when she dated Carlos [?]?
Serena: I was nine. Carlos taught me to play using Necco wafers as chips.
Nate: Well just imagine Carter owes the Buckley’s half a million Necco wafers.
Dan: I love it. You know cobalt’s my favorite color.
Olivia (Hilary Duff): Push the button. (“It’s 11:45. Your hair is so pleasing!”) It’s a compliment watch. It flatters in three different languages.
Dan: Oh my god. This is the greatest watch in the history of all watches. The Swiss should be ashamed for not thinking of it first.
Olivia: So what are you gonna do this weekend to thank me?
Dan: You know, actually, about that. I was thinking I would invite you to the Parent-Freshman Dinner with me and my parents. I know you’re probably exhausted—
Olivia: I would love to.
Dan: Really? Are you sure? ‘Cause you heard the part about my parents right?
Olivia: Dan. The last three guys I dated, I met their agent, their manager, their publicist, a personal trainer who also read tarot cards and I never met a single one of their parents. I would love to meet yours.
Gossip Girl: Careful V. Don’t send out your invitations just yet. We hear another girl has her eye on the prize. Though things are rarely as simple as they appear. And something tells me we’re in for a show.
Amalia: Vanessa’s giving the toast again. And she’s got some big pink claw thing.
Blair: Well I don’t know about that. However phase one is complete.
PJ Buckley (Shane McRae): A picture really is worth a thousand words. Or in this case, an election.
Gossip Girl: Uh oh. Looks like Carter’s going down to Texas. And Trip’s career is going up in smoke.
Rufus: Hey. You made it!
Gabriela (Gina Torres): Rufus. Come here. Would you let me look at you! Lay off the caffeine. It’s giving you wrinkles.
Rufus: Eh. I’m just sorry Arlo couldn’t make it.
Gabriela: He says hello. He had to finish installing solar panels on the chicken coop at the co-op.
Gabriela: To be completely honest my husband and I don’t believe in private universities. Knowledge should not be for sale.
Chuck: I must confess. I missed our little game. Although your lady is late.
Blair: There she is now.
Chuck: She’s a guy.
Blair: Who took my speech at the freshman dinner and gave it to Vanessa Abrams. He double-crossed me. And I—
Chuck: Demand satisfaction.
Blair: You still up for it? My wonderful man. I’ll just go powder my nose for ten minutes.
Chuck: I don’t even need five.
Josh Ellis (Neal Bledsoe): Can I help you?
Chuck: Oh definitely.
Serena: I don’t know if PJ is not as stupid as he looks, but Nate, those tells were wrong. What are you going to do?
Nate: Well of course I had to tell my grandfather what happened. I mean I have completely destroyed Trip’s political career.
Blair: Have you no sense of decency? Well you got your kiss.
Josh Ellis: Number 27 on the Tribeca Scavenger Hunt: Kiss the Chuck Bass. Check.
Blair: I expect more from a representative of a college! And the toast?
Josh Ellis: I’ll do the deal. It’s all yours. I should call Vanessa, break the bad news.
Blair: Oh allow me. We’re rivals but… friends at heart. ‘Til tonight. Out, you cable-knit Queen!
Chuck: You were late.
Blair: I got caught in a text flurry with Dorota. I’m sorry.
Chuck: I have to get Uptown for a dinner. I assume you’re skipping the parents thing.
Blair: I may pop in for Vanessa’s toast. Just for laughs. Are you upset because you kissed a guy?
Chuck: I’m upset because it’s somebody that wasn’t you. You really think I’ve never kissed a guy before?
Blair: Love me?
Gabriela: Guess I should work on keeping my opinions to myself.
Vanessa: You think.
Gabriela: I just wanted to say, tonight I will promise to keep an open mind about your school. About everything.
Vanessa: When you hear my toast I think you’ll understand why this is the right place for me.
Gossip Girl: As for Lonely Boy, I suspect tonight is going to be strictly a family affair to remember.
Olivia: So. Anyone famous here? I mean besides me.
Chuck: You there. One of Blair’s new minions, aren’t you.
New Mean Girl: You’re Chuck Bass. Blair said you couldn’t come.
Chuck: Dinner cancelled. The Emir had to fly home. Something about a revolution.
Serena: I heard you talking to your grandfather. Why would you leak a fake photo? Are you trying to destroy Trip’s campaign?
Nate: No. That’s gonna win Trip the election.
Serena: What are you talking about?
Nate: Once the Buckley’s leak it we’ll release the real photo. It’s gonna look like the Buckleys planted the fake one. People are finally going to see them as the villains they are.
Serena: And what happens to Carter? You just used him?
Nate: Come on Serena. The guy proposed to PJ’s sister to pay off his gambling debt. Wake up. The guy’s hardly innocent. But I am sorry I had to lie to you.
Serena: No you’re not. But you will be.
Vanessa: So tell me once and for all. What makes you better than me?
Blair: Do you really want to know?
Blair: Everything. Generations of breeding and wealth had to come together to produce me. I have more in common with Marie Antoinette than with you. And granted you may be popular at some stuffy Ivy safety school, but the fact is the rabblers still rabble and they need a queen.
Vanessa: You stole the toast.
Blair: I was willing to do what was necessary. Including lying to Chuck. The one person who trusts me more than anyone. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to give my toast.
Vanessa: Actually Blair. Congratulations. You just did.
Gossip Girl: Sorry ladies. Les jeux sont faits. Thanks for playing. Each other.
Lily: Chuck is gone.
Blair: But I need to talk to him. I need to explain.
Lily: Blair, whatever you needed Chuck to do, do you really think he would have refused you?
Blair: No. He’d never say no. To anything. I messed up, didn’t I?
Lily: Yes. Yes you really did.
Blair: Lily, you’re supposed to say “Everything is going to be fine.” Where did you learn to give a pep talk, Guantanamo?
Lily: Blair. I understand a thing or two about ambitious women. But without trust you’re lost.
Carter: I saw the way you looked at me at the wedding. And I see the way you’re looking at me now. I think I’d rather have you hate me than feel sorry for me.
Gabriela: I think it’s time for you to consider who this place is turning you into.
Gossip Girl: Nice try, ladies. You came out swinging but never stood a chance against a Hollywood heavyweight.
Blair: Why did we do all this?
Vanessa: You tell me.
Chuck: What do you want Blair?
Blair: Forgiveness. I’m so sorry Chuck. I made a mistake. I know there’s no excuse but, it’s just a kiss.
Chuck: The people you manipulate. I know how little respect you have for them.
Blair: But not you. I don’t feel that way about you. And I won’t ever do it again. I promise. It was a mistake.
Chuck: I’m in a meeting.
Blair: I’ll call you later.
Gossip Girl: When it comes to family we’re all still children at heart. No matter how old we get, we always need a place to call home. Because without the people you love most you can’t help but feel all alone in the world.
Vanessa: You want it?
Gossip Girl: Fortunately, misery loves company. Well. For now at least. XOXO —Gossip Girl