The Chrismukkah Bar Mitzvah-kkah

Summer: And what do you think, Cohen?
Seth: My Chrismukkah forecast calls for trouble.

Kirsten: I came to see how you were.
Julie: I’m great. Some of the neighbors are having a cock fight in an hour using stray dogs. It’s a holiday tradition. My money’s on the feisty Weimaraner.
Kirsten: Good. ‘Cause I’m awful.
Julie: I’m spitting Skol into a can, drinking wine from a bottle I unscrewed, and living in a home that—if I wanted to—I could put in reverse. I’m beyond awful.

Sandy: It’s a sacred religious event. A tradition that marks a Jewish child’s obligation to observe the ten commandments.
Seth: I’m sorry. And that’s the problem with the Jews right there. We have no concept of marketing.

Seth: As soon as you hear “that’s what friends are for” you’re done.
Ryan: That song is Jewish?
Seth: It might as well be. It’s a staple of every Bar Mitzvah. It’s you and all your friends, your arms around each other swaying. It’s awesome.
Ryan: I thought all the kids you invited went to Luke’s birthday party.
Seth: It’s hypothetically awesome.

Young Seth: This is my funeral. Not my Bar Mitzvah. And no one showed up. And you said Summer Roberts was coming.

Seth: Jews don’t believe in saints. Just really good stand up comics.

Seth: That was remarkable timing, my mom right there.
Sandy: Oy, humbug.

Neil Roberts (Michael Nouri): The way my wife self-medicates she could be a pharmacist. Been miserable for years.
Julie: I live in a trailer park.

Sandy: Marissa, come join us. You’re practically family.
Seth: I think technically she is.

Seth: Seth Cohen. Hello. Ryan… forgot his glasses so he’s going to be right back.
Sandy: Ryan doesn’t wear glasses.
Seth: He does when he’s reading from right to left.

Sandy: What did I tell ya!
Kirsten: Best. Chrismukkah. Ever.