The Best Chrismukkah Ever

Seth: So what’s it going to be, huh? Do you want your menorah or candy cane? Hm? Hanukkah or Christmas?
Ryan: Uh…
Seth: Uh uh. Don’t worry about it, buddy. Because in this house you don’t have to choose. Allow me to introduce you to a little something that I like to call Chrismukkah.
Ryan: Chrismukkah?
Seth: That’s right. It’s the new holiday Ryan, and it’s sweeping the nation.

Ryan: What are you wrapping?
Seth: Two Seth Cohen Starter Packs. We’ve got Death Cab, we’ve got Brighteyes, we’ve got The Shins. we’ve got Kavalier and Clay. And we’ve got Goonies. It’s not
just for kids, Ryan. It’s not. I don’t care what they tell you.

Seth: C’mon, man. Lighten up! Ryan doesn’t lighten up. Okay fine. Stay dark. Dark works too.

Ryan: You’re really starting to scare me.
Seth: I’m okay with that.

Ryan: You better pray for a Chrismukkah miracle.
Seth: I’ve got Jesus and Moses on my side, man.

Seth: Hey. What are you doing, working from home?
Kirsten: I’m on vacation.
Seth surveying the paperwork: Yes. Clearly.
Kirsten: I find reviewing end-of-the-year accounts to be very relaxing.
Seth: Okay. I hope that’s a recessive gene.

Kirsten: You should be so lucky. Look, I haven’t taken a vacation in a while and I’m easing into it.
Seth: Hey, I don’t judge okay? I only mock.
Kirsten: That you get from your father.
Seth checking his eyebrows: Oh my god, they’re coming in? Oh that’s… I gotcha…

Jimmy: Marissa and I were just trying to decide on an appropriate punishment.
Julie: Oh really? Well way to rule with the iron fist, Stalin.

Seth: How was the mall?
Ryan: Eh, weird.
Seth: Yes. You’ve really painted a picture for me. I feel like I was there.
Ryan: Marissa picked up a few things. Without paying for them.
Seth: What, as in?
Ryan: Shoplifting.
Yeah.
Seth: Yeah, that’s weird.

Seth: I’m gonna go make magic happen. I feel like my hair’s working for me tonight.

Caleb: Come, Sanford, it’s a party. Think back on your Berkeley days. Maybe you
can smoke the tree.
Sandy: Smoke the tree. Funny. I’m going to nail him now.
Kirsten: Uh huh.

Julie: I hate the holidays.
Ryan: Right there with you.

Sandy: Allow me to summarize what you know already. The Heights are seismologically unsound. The whole area is uninsurable. It’s worthless.
Caleb: As is your theory.

Sandy: There’s no way you would have gotten a building permit. And you knew that.
Caleb: What do you want Sandy?
Sandy: I want to buy back The Heights. For a dollar.
Caleb: You can not be serious.
Sandy: Sandy putting a dollar in Caleb’s hand: Merry Christmas.

Seth: Hey Anna. Summer was just giving me her gift. It’s cool.
Anna: You’re Wonder Woman?
Summer: Yeah. So?
Anna: I mean you look… amazing. Is that my story? Oh my god. I made you a comic book. What am I, eight?
Summer to herself: Way to go, Wonder Whore.
Seth: Hey, Wonder Woman’s not a whore, okay? Stop.
Summer: What are we doing?
Anna: I don’t know. This is ridiculous.
Seth: Okay, you guys, one second please. Let’s not have one speed bump derail the whole train okay? Let’s not throw the baby out with the bath water. Let’s… let’s make some more metaphors.
Summer: Look, I’m not into talking about, like, feelings or whatever. But I like you, okay? And so does she. If we don’t put an end to this soon—
Anna: Someone’s going to get hurt.
Summer: You gotta choose Cohen.

Ryan getting pulled over with Marissa and an open bottle: Of course this is happening.

Marissa: Stop, okay? You’re scaring me!
Ryan: Good. You’re scaring me.

Ryan: There’s drinking, crying, cops. Well then it must be Christmas. I left this behind. I am not doing it again.
Marissa: Okay. Okay.

Seth: How was your night?
Ryan: Marissa got drunk and we got pulled over by the cops with an open container of vodka.
Seth: Hey. That Marissa, she’s really making life interesting for you.
Ryan: Yeah. We got into a fight.
Seth: What about the cop?
Ryan: He got a radio call. Let us off with a warning for the busted tail light. Now you see why I hate Christmas.
Seth: Hang on a second. Ryan. Um, it seems to me that what we have here is a Chrismukkah miracle.

Sandy: You’re here with us now. You don’t have to be the parent anymore.

Seth: Is that what I think it is.
Ryan: Yeah. Figured I’d hang it.
Seth: Alright man, another Chrismukkah convert!