Dean (Kat Sawyer): I’m afraid you’re no longer a student here.
Summer: But my dad is living in Seattle with the step-monster. And Taylor Townsend is sleeping in my old bed. And Seth is moving out here so we can be together.
Dean: Ms. Roberts, you need to go home.
Summer: This is my home.
Summer to Pancakes: It’s just you and me now.
Ché (Chris Pratt): Back at the reservation they taught us, sometimes the weaker gazelle must be devoured for the good of the herd.
Summer: Oh Che, just shut up, okay? Before I tie you up with hemp rope, set you on fire and get high off of the fumes from your burning flesh.
Kirsten: I couldn’t help but notice that you wanted to talk to Seth.
Ryan: Oh. Ah, did I?
Kirsten: Well since he’s out of town and he’s going to be moving out next semester you’re going to need a new Seth. Don’t tell Sandy, but I thought I would audition for the job.
Ryan: Oh, uh, yeah. Well, that’s, ah, very thoughtful.
Kirsten: So, how does it work? Do I ask you what’s on your mind?
Ryan: Well usually you talk about yourself and I solve my problems on my own.
Kirsten: I couldn’t help but notice you’ve been spending time with Taylor.
Ryan: Real— Have I? It’s—
Kirsten: If we’re going to talk about girls, I am a far more knowledgeable resource than my son.
Ryan: Okay, but you can’t repeat this alright? Because if the real Seth found out I was telling the substitute Seth a real secret—
Kirsten: It’s in the vault.
Ryan: I kissed Taylor.
Ryan: What are you doing tonight?
Taylor: Oh, I’m updating my blog. It’s kind of a Felicity by way of Anais Nin. “The erotic memoirs of soulful college girl.”
Ryan: Taylor. Tonight. Are you busy?
Taylor: No. Blog-shmog.
Ryan: Is that a yes?
Ryan: Hey man. How’s the east Coast treating you?
Seth: Too soon to tell. I had a layover in Sault Lake and then got delayed in Poughkeepsie. It’s hard to get a direct flight last minute.
Ryan: Yeah well, at least you made it. Was Summer surprised to see you?
Seth: I’m headed over there right now. I’ve got an all-night study package. I scored a brick of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee and some reasonably-priced meth from this homeless guy.
Ryan: Well I’m sure she’ll appreciate the pick-me-up.
Seth: How are things with you? I know you wanted to talk.
Ryan: Things are weird. And about to get a lot weirder.
Seth: That wasn’t vague or ominous at all.
Bullitt (Gary Grubbs): I tell you, the women are well-preserved in this town. If my slacks weren’t so damn tight—
Julie: Bullitt. What are you doing here? I thought you were going to be a silent partner.
Bullitt: Oh, I ain’t here to work. Came to see my girlfriend.
Julie: What? No, I am not—
Bullitt: Car’s waiting outside. Dinner’s planned. I’d invite Blondie but she don’t look much like an eater.
Sandy: So Kirsten told me she came in yesterday and applied for the job of substitute Seth.
Ryan: Yeah, she may have.
Sandy: Well you know, if anyone’s qualified I think we all know it’s me and I’m thinking the only reason you didn’t ask me is because no interview is necessary.
Seth in Che’s room: This place reeks of incense and righteousness.
Kaitlin (Willa Holland): Okay, freak. Summer, why is this guy handcuffed to your wrist?
Summer: There’s no one handcuffed to my wrist. He doesn’t exist.
Kaitlin: Also kind of freaky.
Bullitt: I know the Jews are good with numbers and lending stuff—
Sandy: Now there’s a generalization that’s not even remotely offensive.
Summer: Cohen, you’re here!
Seth: Yeah. And I want to see what this guy’s got to say for himself.
Che: Please, Seth. Summer and I are on a journey together.
Che: A journey towards the truth.
Seth ominously: You’re on a journey. To the pool.
Summer still handcuffed to Che: What? No! Cohen!
Ryan: What are you doing paying your gay friend Roger to pretend he’s in love with you?
Taylor: Well, what if I did? Hm? What if I did rent a homosexual for the evening and pay him with rare collectibles from Asian cinema? What difference does it make to you?
Ryan: Well, it’s a little strange.
Taylor: Well, so am I. Which is why you ran away from me last night.
Ryan: No, it wasn’t ’cause you’re strange.
Taylor: You don’t find me strange?
Ryan: No, I do. But it’s not why I took off.
Bullitt: I swear, you make me all nervous inside.
Julie: So you only act like a bigot and a sexist pig around me?
Bullitt: No, I just feel worse about it when you’re around. You’re such a classy and elegant dame.
Julie: Well. That is true.
Spencer Bullitt (Brandon Quinn): Julie. Hey, it’s Spencer. I just wanted to call and say thanks. I had a great night.
Julie: I would assume so. It’s pretty late.
Spencer: I’ll, ah, I’ll give you your cut when you get back into town.
Julie: My cut? No, Spencer. You paid to join the service. Your date doesn’t pay you. That’s illegal. You’re not a gigolo.
Spencer: Right. Open phone line. Got it. My bad. Anyway, you got yourself one satisfied customer. See ya.
Julie: Spencer, wait. phone rings. Spencer.
Pam (Kelly Hare): I wish. But it’s probably for the best. I am tin roof rusted.
(Gotta love the B-52s)