Season 5

Enemies

Selmak: Kree. Apophis. I am Selmak, commander of this ship.
O’Neill: Commander?
Jacob: You wanna bicker about rank now?

O’Neill: I distinctly remember somebody saying, “We’re not gonna make it!” I think we made it.
Jacob: I’m sorry I overreacted. At the time it looked very much like we weren’t going to make it.
O’Neill: Yes, well. Maybe next time we’ll just
wait and see.
Jacob: And blow the last chance I might ever have to be right?

O’Neill: Whatcha got going here, Teal’c?
Apophis: Well done, Teal’c. Finally you can resume your rightful position as my first prime.

I’m gonna go check on Teal’c.
Jack. We got his body back. Getting his mind back might not be as easy.

Apophis is dead.
I don’t believe you.
Trust me.
Gods cannot be killed.

Threshold

Bra’tac: If Teal’c won’t hear the truth in words, he must learn it another way. The only way left to us.

Hammond: Master Bra’tac, before we proceed—
Bra’tac: We waste time!
Hammond: Please explain to me what you hope to achieve by depriving Teal’c of his symbiote.
Bra’tac: I hope to save him.
Jackson: By killing him.
Bra’tac: If necessary.
O’Neill: See. I think we disagree on the meaning of the word “save.”

Bra’tac: The Rite of Mal Sharran is the only way.
Jackson: Last Rite.
Bra’tac: To save Teal’c’s soul, first we must take him to the very threshold of death.

Carter: How’s Junior doing?
Dr. Fraiser: The symbiote is fine for now. Although I don’t know what we’re going to do with it if we let Teal’c die. But that won’t be my problem. I’ll have already resigned if we let this go that far.

Bra’tac: The rite has succeeded. He has returned to us.
O’Neill: Ah, just out of curiosity, how do you feel about—
Teal’c: Apophis is a false god. A dead false god.
O’Neill: Good enough for me.

Ascension

Fraiser: Make sure you come back if you start speaking an alien language.
Carter: I’m sure I’ll have no choice.

Carter: How did you get in here?
Orlin (Sean Patrick Flanery): I won’t hurt you.
Carter: No, I’ll hurt you if you come any closer.
Orlin: Please don’t. I just want to talk to you.
Carter: About what?
Orlin: It’s complicated.

Carter: Who are you?
Orlin: My name is Orlin. I’m from the planet you just visited. I followed you back through the Stargate.

Carter: Please don’t say “take it easy.”
O’Neill: Take care.

Orlin: Things have been going well between us, right?
Carter: There is no “us”, Orlin. I don’t see how there ever could be.
Orlin: That’s just because we both used to live on different planes of existence.

Colonel Simmons (John de Lancie): Need I remind you, Dr. Jackson, the dangers that we’re trying to defend Earth against?
Jackson: Oh, could you? I mean, go slow.

Orlin: You wouldn’t believe the things you can make from the common, simple things laying around your planet. Which reminds me. You’re going to need a new microwave.

The Fifth Man

Tyler: What is this place?
O’Neill: I wouldn’t buy a time share but it’s defendable.

Tyler: Colonel. You could have made it to the Gate.
You came back for me.
O’Neill: What’s your point?
Tyler: I guess I’m grateful.
O’Neill: Well I wasn’t going to let you die, Lieutenant. It’s like… a ton of paperwork.
Tyler: Paperwork?
O’Neill: It’s a joke. My way of deflecting attention from my own obvious heroism. You’ll get used to it.

Colonel Simmons (John de Lancie): I’d like you to explain your relationship with Dr. Sarah Gardner.
Jackson: What does that have to do with this?
Colonel Simmons: Dr. Jackson, I am here to investigate potential alien influences over Stargate Command. The fact that a Goa’uld has taken your ex-girlfriend as a host has everything to do with this.
Jackson: What?
Colonel Simmons: You were very close at one time.
Jackson: That’s none of your business.
Colonel Simmons: Your entire life is our business.
Jackson: Do I need to call an attorney here?
Colonel Simmons: Serious questions have been raised concerning your viability with this command. I am giving you an opportunity to respond.
Jackson: Okay, respond. Fine. I lost someone I care about. And not for the first time I might add.

O’Neill: Do you know what the Goa’uld really want from us? Minnesota, that’s what. For the fishing, mostly. I’ll take you some time.
Tyler: Fishing?
O’Neill: Oh, yeah. Ask Teal’c. He can’t get enough.

Teal’c: If I were still loyal to the Goa’uld you would know it.
Colonel Simmons: Really?
Teal’c: It would be immediately apparent as I would not hesitate to kill you where you sit.

Hammond: I let this investigation go on long enough to make a few phone calls. I learned enough to know your orders are politically-motivated.
Colonel Simmons: Sir. I thinking you’re missing the point. I don’t care.

Tyler: You could have escaped.
O’Neill: We don’t leave our people behind.
Tyler: But… I am not your people.
O’Neill: You could have fooled me. Actually you did fool me.

Red Sky

Rite of Passage

Cassandra: Dominic’s waiting.
Dr. Janet Fraiser: Fine. invite him in. I’m sure he’d love have a piece of the birthday cake that Sam went to all the trouble to bake.
Carter: Buy.
Dr. Fraiser: Bring.

Cassandra: Mom.
Dr. Fraiser: I’m here.
Cassandra: I couldn’t finish the harvest.
Dr. Fraiser: That’s okay.
Cassandra: I have to go into the forest.

Cassandra: You’re not my mother.
Dr. Fraiser: Okay. Then what have I been to you these past few years?
Cassandra: You don’t understand.
Dr. Fraiser: Alright, listen to me. If nothing else, I am your doctor, Cassandra. So let’s go.
Cassandra: So what!?
Dr. Fraiser: I care about what happens to you.

Cassandra: I know what’s happening to me.
Carter: Oh. Okay. What?
Cassandra: I’m changing. Into something. And there’s nothing you can do to stop it.
Carter: You know how me and your mom feel when someone issues a challenge like that.
Cassandra: Dr. Fraiser isn’t my real mother. She died. When Nirrti poisoned the village.
Carter: I know that. Janet knows that too. And please, don’t call her Dr. Fraiser.
Cassandra: Why?
Carter: Because she loves you and she deserves better. We all do for that matter.

Cassandra: Jack calls them horses.
Carter: Yeah, well, that’s Colonel O’Neill for you.
Cassandra: He always pretends he’s not as smart as he really is.

Cassandra: What do you see when you look at me now?
Carter: I see you. And until your head starts spinning around—and probably even then—I will still see you.

Dr. Fraiser: Sweetheart, sometimes when a person is sick it’s important for them to fight. I want you to fight this, okay?

O’Neill: I figure you fought her off the first time, I’m safer here with you.
Cassandra: She was here the whole time you’ve been back.
O’Neill: We’ll find her.
Dr. Fraiser: No, she’s right. Why did she wait until now to come after Cassandra?

Beast of Burden

Burrock (Larry Drake): No one has come through the Chappa’ai for as long as anyone can remember.
O’Neill: Well now you’ll have a story to tell your grandkids.

Burrock: It is our custom to welcome visitors with a drink. Will you join me?
O’Neill: It is our custom to drink. Of course.

O’Neill: Look, we’re not going to tell you anything so you might as well just let us go. We’ll go back to where we came from, you can go on doing what you do so well.
Burrock: Because now I know for certain, there is more out there.
O’Neill: Yeah, I know, the grass always looks cleaner. Fact is, there’s a whole bunch of bad guys with glowing eyes out there, and you really don’t wanna mess with them.

Burrock: Impressive weapon. But not as efficient as a fire stick. It seems to stop working after it’s been fired for a while. I assume that’s what these are for. Tell me how to make it work again.
O’Neill: Give it to me, I’ll show you.

The Tomb

Vallarin: Wait here.
Jackson: Yes, you go down the dark hallway alone and I’ll wait here in the dark room alone.

Colonel Chekhov: I trust this will have no bearing on our future participation.
O’Neill: I wouldn’t count on future participation if I were you.
Colonel Chekhov: Hm. I would.

Between Two Fires

Narim: Counselor Omoc was well aware that he had very few true friends. He was not concerned with trivial relationships. In his testament, he asked that his memorial be attended only by those whom he respected.
Jackson: Uh, no offense, but what are we doing here?
Narim: He may not have shown you much warmth or affection, but I can tell you Omoc had a great deal of reverence for all of you.

Carter: Sir? Narim just handed me this.
Narim: Samantha, I’m sorry I was unable to tell you this in person. I do not know who I can trust. Before his death, Omoc gave me a warning and I believe it to be true. Earth is in grave danger.

Narim: As you know another world once destroyed themselves because we shared our technology with them. That’s why we had so strongly resisted sharing what we know with more primitive societies.
O’Neill: You know we prefer “less advanced” if you don’t mind.

Travell: Apparently the one he serves has no name.
Tanith: Oh, he has a name. The likes of you are simply forbidden to know it.

2001

O’Neill: This is what you’re wearing?
Faxon: What’s wrong with it?
Teal’c: Nothing.
Carter: You look fine.

Faxon: It looks just like—
O’Neill: Oh yeah. Just when you think you’re not in Kansas anymore… you are.

Hammond: You’re telling me there’s a one-in-four chance that the Aschen home world is a planet that I ordered off limits?
Walter Harriman: Yes sir.

Molum: Colonel, you seem pensive.
O’Neill: No, I was just thinking.

Faxon: History will remember your contribution to this.
O’Neill: O’Neill. Two L’s.

Desperate Measures

Homeless Guy: Ninjas!

Homeless Guy: You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
O’Neill: Why not?
Homeless Guy: I’m just a crazy guy with a shopping cart full of canes.
O’Neill: I’m just a cynical Air Force guy with a closet full of National Geographics.

Maybourne: Hi Jack. Don’t turn around. {Jack turns around}
O’Neill: Harry. Where’ve you been? You never write, you don’t call. I have a gun.
Maybourne: So do I.
O’Neill: I’m just trying to protect you. I’m a wanted criminal, it’s your duty to arrest me.
Maybourne: Always thinking of the other guy. How’d you find me?
O’Neill: Played a lot of hide-and-seek as a kid.

Maybourne: You know how this game is played and the kind of people who play it. You gotta prepare yourself for the possibility that she may not be coming back.

Maybourne: Geez, Jack. You’re stealing my routine.
O’Neill: Consider it an homage.

Maybourne: You gonna turn me in?
O’Neill: Actually that overwhelming desire to shoot you is coming back.

Maybourne: You know we make a pretty good team, Jack.
O’Neill: Shut up.
Maybourne: I’m just saying, if you ever get tired of the SGC you could make more money than you ever dreamed of.
O’Neill: Hey. G Gordon. Don’t give me another reason to shoot you.

Adrian Conrad: The exits are sealed, Major.
Carter: Who are you? What the hell am I doing here?
Adrian Conrad: My name is Adrian Conrad. You’re here because of me.

Jackson: I said I just electrocuted myself. Do you have any idea what that feels like?
Guard: No. {Daniel zats him}
Jackson: Something like that.

Conrad: I expect better treatment than this.
Colonel Simmons (John de Lancie): Well right now you have no choice. But once you start delivering on your end of our little bargain, I might be able to move you to better accomodations.
Conrad: You do not offer anything of equal value to the knowledge I possess.
Colonel Simmons: I’m not so sure about that.

Wormhole Extreme

Martin Lloyd (Willie Garson): Okay, scene 23 takes place on another planet. So do you think aliens eat apples?
Crew Member: Why not? They speak English.

Director (Peter DeLuise): We’ve already established that one shot stuns and two shots kills. Nick just shot everybody twice.
Martin: So, three shots disintegrates them.
Director: You know what? I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that, because that is quite possibly the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard you say.

Director: Because you’re “out of phase”.
Yolanda: So, how come I don’t fall through the floor?

Martin: Never ask a writer where he gets his ideas. In truth, we don’t know.

Martin: Okay, fine. I’m an alien. Whatever.
O’Neill: They are aliens too. They’re from your planet.
Martin: Okay, that is the stupidest act four opening ever.

Dr. Tanner: Colonel, please. You know as well as I do they’re never going to leave us alone. There’s nothing for us here. It’s time for us to go.
O’Neill: You officially owe me one.
Alien: What about Martin?
Teal’c: I believe Martin Lloyd has chosen a new path.
Martin: We’re gonna win an Emmy for this! … Visual effects category.

Cool special effect.
I’ve seen better.
Eh. We’ll fix it in post.

Proving Ground

O’Neill: What’s your excuse?
Satterfield (Grace Park): I didn’t believe Dr. Jackson was the Goa’uld.
Carter: Why not, Sattefield?
Satterfield: I don’t know, ma’am. It was just my instinct.
Jennifer Hailey (Elisabeth Rosen): She thinks he’s cute.

O’Neill: Okay, so one of your team members distracted you into getting shot by the enemy and you want to poke holes in the training scenario.
Elliot (Courtenay Stevens): It wasn’t a fair test.
O’Neill: There’s such a thing as overthinking a situation, Lieutenant. When you’re dealing with what we deal with, you’ve got to think on your feet and think fast. These and other clichés will be available to you all for one more day of training with me. After that, you’ll either be assigned to an SG team. Or not. Dismissed.

Hailey: Let’s all decide, right here right now, we all make it. Together.
Elliot: Like the man said, it’s not up to us.
Hailey: You’re wrong about that too.

Hailey: You guys, something’s going on.
Grogan (David Kopp): Maybe he’s ordering our execution.

Elliot: You’re injured. You’re going to need help.
O’Neill: This is not an exercise.
Elliot: No sir, it’s a foothold situation. And from what we just saw it looks like it’s already reached outside the SGC. You need our help.
O’Neill: Forgive my bluntness, Lieutenant, but I was just about to fail you. I’m not sure I want your help!
Elliot: Can’t speak to that, sir. But at the moment we’re all you’ve got.

Elliot: Looks like their leader is Dr. Jackson.
O’Neill: I always knew he wanted that office.

Kerrigan: Same wager as last time, Goeorge?
Hammond: Well that’s hardly fair. These young people are up against SG-1.
Kerrigan: I’ll give you double or nothing.
Hammond: Well in that case how can I refuse?

48 Hours

Colonel Simmons (John de Lancie): I was just introducing Major Carter, and Dr. McKay. The doctor has been studying the Stargate program out of Area 51 for over a year now.
Carter: Without access to a working Gate?
Dr. Rodney McKay (David Hewlett): I had a virtual computer model that was built when the second Gate was there.
Hammond: Well I’m sure it’s a thrill to be here to see the real thing.
McKay: Hm. Not really.
Simmons: The Pentagon feels that Dr. McKay has become the world’s foremost expert.
Hammond: Next to Major Carter.
McKay: With all due respect, Major. You spend most of your time in the field.
Hammond: Major Carter spent two years working on the Gate prior to her five years of service at the SGC. She’s the one who made this program viable.
McKay: Actually, the interface she designed is full of flaws.
Carter: Well I admit it’s not perfect, but it’s certainly—
McKay: It has caused numerous unnecessary situations, any of which could have ended in catastrophe.
Simmons: And we certainly don’t want that to happen. That’s why the doctor is here to help.
Hammond: Good. He can report to Major Carter.
Simmons: And the two of them might be able to work together to solve this problem to get Teal’c back in one piece. In the time allotted.
Carter: Excuse me? In the time allotted?
Simmons: Forty-eight hours.

Hammond: I don’t care who you are or who you work for, you will not come into my facility and dictate procedure to me.
Simmons: Oh General, don’t shoot the messenger. I’m just bringing you your orders.

Harry Maybourne (Tom McBeath): Hi Jack.
O’Neill: You rat bastard!
Maybourne: Hey hey hey. Take it easy.
O’Neill: I’m so gonna kick your ass!
Maybourne: There’s people watching.
O’Neill: I don’t care!
Maybourne: It wasn’t me. It didn’t shoot you, Jack.
O’Neill: I trusted you!
Maybourne: Come on, would I come back here like this if I’d done it?
O’Neill: You might!

Maybourne: If you need me I’m at the Accent Inn checked in under the name “Cassidy”.
O’Neill: David or Shawn?
Maybourne: Butch.

O’Neill: You know Simmons says you’re the one who sullied the good name of the NID.
Maybourne: You believe that?
O’Neill: No.
Maybourne: trust me, Jack. I know him well. I’m the one who recruited him.

McKay: I’m guessing we got off on the wrong foot.
Carter: To what probability factor did you use figuring that out?
McKay: For the record, I don’t work for Colonel Simmons.
Carter: What difference does that make?
McKay: I thought I sensed a little tension there.

Colonel Chekov: Don’t be ridiculous. How can the United States go to war over something the American people know nothing about?
Major Davis: It wouldn’t be unprecedented, Colonel.

McKay: I wish I didn’t find you so attractive. I always had a weakness for dumb blondes.
Carter: Go suck a lemon.

O’Neill: Hey. You sure you want to be in there for this.
Siler: Not really, sir.
O’Neill: I wasn’t talking to you!

Summit

Osiris: You waste my time.
Zipacna: You misunderstand. I’m not asking you to serve me. I must regret that I am merely an emissary for a much more powerful Goa’uld. One whom you once knew well.
Osiris: Of whom do you speak?
Zipacna: Anubis.

Ren Au: The deaths of Kronos and Apophis created a power vacuum that the remaining System Lords have been trying to exploit. Over the past seven months they have suffered heavy losses and expended an enormous amount of resources fighting amongst themselves.
O’Neill: Let the good times roll.
Ren Au: Unfortunately, the good times may be coming to an end. They declared a truce. And now it looks as if they’re going to have a meeting to discuss the establishment of a new order.
Hammond: So you want to stop them?
Ren Au: Quite the opposite actually. We want them to meet. It will give us the rare opportunity to strike against all of them at once.
Carter: You’re talking about taking out the entire Goa’uld leadership?
Ren Au: We are.
O’Neill: Welcome to the dark side.

Jackson: So how are you gonna get me in?
Jacob: Yu will be among the System Lords attending.
Carter: I thought you said he was going in as a slave.
Jacob: The System Lord Yu.
Carter: Little joke there.
O’Neill: Funny!

O’Neill: Why do I get the feeling there’s something you’re not telling us?
Jacob: Oh, Jack.

Jacob: All you have to do is prick him. Once. The effect will be immediate. He’ll believe you to be his loyal slave Jerren.
Jackson: Jerren?
Jacob: Just don’t jab yourself with it.
Jackson: Why?
Jacob: Actually I don’t know exactly. That in itself should scare you.

Carter: What are you doing?
Ren Au: I’m cutting power to the base. The energy signature would give away our position. Now they’ll have to resort to random bombardment.
O’Neill: Well that’s encouraging.

Yu: Olokon is still seething over a recent loss to my forces. He may try to kill you out of spite. Do not make me look foolish by allowing yourself to be murdered.
Jackson: Yes, my Lord.

Ren Au: We will die before we give up its secrets.
O’Neill: You know, we really need to come up with a new strategy. One that does not include us dying.

Jacob: How’s it going?
Jackson: Oh, swell. It’s kind of like Goa’uld Mardi Gras here.

Osiris: Daniel Jackson. You’re a rather long way from home, aren’t you?

Last Stand

Jacob: You know what’s at stake here, Daniel. No single person’s life is more important. Complete your mission.

Osiris: I am here to represent the vote of another.
Yu: Whom do you serve?
Osiris: Anubis.
African SL: What?
Ba’al (Cliff Simon): You lie!
Yu: He is dead!
Osiris: That was what you assumed after you attempted to murder him. Was it not enough that he was banished from the System Lords?
Yu: Never to be allowed to return!
Osiris: That was long ago. And only one System Lord remains from that time.

Jackson: Hey, here’s a question for you. Why do you think the Goa’uld are allowing their human slaves to hear everything that’s going on?
Jacob: I’m not sure. The truth is we suspected they were going to kill the slaves when the summit was done.
Jackson: And you didn’t think that was important enough to tell me?
Jacob: Not considering that you were going to kill all the Goa’ulds.
Jackson: I’m not doing that anymore.
Jacob: True. What’s your point?
Jackson: There’s a big vat of live symbiotes here.

Osiris: Over the years we have all lost a great deal to the infiltrations, subversions and rebellious acts of the Tok’ra. Today will henceforth be known as the day the blood of the Tok’ra ran free and their rebellion ended for good.

Fail Safe

O’Neill: “Assume there isn’t one” what?
Carter: Recall device.
O’Neill: The X-301? That was you guys?
Tech Guy: Well you have to admit it performed beautifully right up to the point where you and Teal’c were sent into deep space.

Tech Guy 2: I think I speak for about six billion people when I say, “good luck.”
Carter: You too. {they go to leave}
O’Neill: I’m gonna want to talk to you guys.

Hammond: Shouldn’t you be offworld by now?
Dr. Fraiser: I’m leaving with the next group, sir. Your name isn’t on the list.
Hammond: That’s correct.
Dr. Fraiser: May I ask why?
Hammond: If that asteroid hits, the only chance for the survival of the human race will rest with the Alpha site. We’ve limited their numbers because they’ll have limited resources.

The Warrior

O’Neill: Deliverance. Do you have any idea what happened to the guys in that movie?
Bra’tac: I do not.

Hammond: Master Bra’tac, I hope your faith in this man is well-deserved.
Bra’tac: I would stake my life on it.
O’Neill: Ours too, apparently.

K’tano: I see you are one who speaks your mind, O’Neill.
O’Neill: Yes, which is why I don’t say much.

O’Neill: Alright, so let me see if I get this straight. You assassinate one System Lord after another, you take all their ships and warriors—all of whom are willing to die for you—and this is different than the way things are now… How?
K’tano: The Jaffa will be free.
O’Neill: To follow you.

Lord Yu: Teal’c. Perhaps I’m not as weak as you were lead to believe.

Bra’tac: Our time will come, old friend. But not this day.
Teal’c: Indeed.

Menace

Reese (Danielle Nicolet): I want to have fun. Don’t you ever have fun?
Jackson: Not as much as I’d like to.

Reese about the Replicator: Don’t be afraid. It’s just a toy.

Reese: It wasn’t my fault. The people on my planet were afraid. They wanted to destroy my toys. They wanted to destroy me. They said that my father made me wrong. They thought that I was bad.
Jackson: What did you do?
Reese: I taught my toys to make more of themselves.

The Sentinel

Col. Grieves: The device is way too complicated for you to try and repair without us. And you already know that, or you wouldn’t be here.

Lt. Kershaw: I feel better just knowing there’s an archaeologist watching our backs.
Jackson: Yeah, which end do the bullets go in again?
Col. Grieves: I’ll be happy to show you.
O’Neill: Our mission objective is to fix whatever you screwed up. If you get any ideas other than that, I’ll shoot you. Understood?

Marul (Henry Gibson): What will I tell them? That the very people who doomed our world now ask us to trust our lives to them?

Meridian

Jackson: I’m gonna miss you guys.
O’Neill: Yeah. Me too.

 

Revelations

Osiris: Our days of bowing to the Asgard are finally over.

Freyr: There has been an incident with the Goa’uld.
O’Neill: An incident?
Freyr: Commander Thor has been killed.

Carter: I thought Thor was dead.
Heimdahl: He is not. Although his life is in great danger. He is a prisoner of the Goa’uld.

Heimdahl: It is only a matter of time before the Goa’uld pinpoint our location.

Thor: The Goa’uld are attempting to download the information stored in my pre-frontal cortex. It is only a matter of time before they break through my mental defenses.
O’Neill: Yeah well, you know. Love to help you, but we’ve got our own problems here.
Thor: I am aware of your situation. I believe I can rewrite some minor subroutines in the security protocol.
Teal’c: To what end? {the doors open}
O’Neill: Sweet.

O’Neill: Okay, next time I’m the hologram!

Osiris: Major Carter.
Carter: Osiris.
Osiris: We have Colonel O’Neill and the sholva. So that just leaves… Dr. Jackson. Where is he?
Carter: Forget it.

Osiris: Once more. Where is Dr. Jackson?
Carter: He’s dead.
Osiris: You lie.
Carter: Go to hell.

O’Neill: Thor! Buddy!
Thor: O’Neill. You can not take me with you.
O’Neill: Why not?
Thor: The link between myself and the Goa’uld ship has not been severed. They will be able to track our position. You must leave me behind.
O’Neill: Right. That doesn’t work for me. It’s not an option, okay?

O’Neill: Any ideas?
Heimdahl: We can not risk capture. We must destroy the ship ourselves.
O’Neill: Any good ideas?