Gus’s Dad May Have Killed an Old Guy

1987

Young Gus: This sucks.
I know! We were tied a hundred and fourteen to a hundred and fourteen. And I was up.

Young Gus: You weren’t supposed to be playing with my new ball.
I’ll give you a thousand dollars to go get it.
Young Gus: Two thousand.
Done.

Present Day

Shawn: The Christmas Spirits told me to give this {pulls out a toy rifle} to you.
Buzz: Oh my goodness. A Daisy Red Rider. I had noe of these when I was a kid. It was the reason I wanted to become a policeman.
Shawn: Well Merry Christmas from me and Gus.
Buzz: Thanks guys. {he walks off}
Gus: He’s gonna shoot his eye out.
Shawn: Yes he is.

Gus: That was amazing. How did you know that?
Shawn: Ah, the room where I take my naps shares a vent with the room where they do the psychological evals.

Lassiter: I hate snow globes.
Shawn: That’s strange. My psychic senses told me specifically that snow globes didn’t give you nightmares about being trapped in a clear ball with snow that burns your skin off.

Shawn: I can think of someone who could use a little cheer this time of year. {hinting} Recently divorced.
Gus: Separated.
Shawn: Estranged. {Gus quibbles} Embattled.
Gus: Yes.
Shawn: And all alone for the holidays.
Lassiter: Alright! Who keeps telling people I want snow globes for Christmas?

Shawn: Dude, I’m really stoked. In over twenty years of friendship I can count on one shop teacher’s hand the number of times your folks have had us over. I assume it’s because they can’t stand my father. Understandably.
Gus: Well I wouldn’t necessarily say that.
Shawn: What would you say necessarily?
Gus: Let’s just say it’s not because of your dad.

Gus: Because of you, Shawn, I got my first B, broke my first curfew, accidentally killed the state bird.
Shawn: How was I supposed to know he couldn’t hold his own liquor?

Shawn: Speaking of smoked turkey, you know why Gus isn’t a smoker? Because when we were kids I made him smoke an entire pack of cigarettes and he discovered he hated the taste. Pretty good influence, if I do say so myself.
Winnie Guster (Phylicia Rashad): Probably what gave him asthma.
Bill Guster (Ernie Hudson): Probably what stunted his growth too.
Gus: I’m five ten and a half.
Mr. Guster: We hear you, son. We hear you.
Henry: Gus, you’re tall enough. Shawn, you’re an idiot. To be fair there’s lots of complicated causes for asthma.

Mrs. Guster: And how does this differ from the pet baptism business you had as kids?
Shawn: First of all, that was an LLC.

Shawn: Now you’re feeling me, you convertible LeBaron.

Lassiter: You know, Drake, technically Jesus was born around April. So you need to get rid of this winter foliage. Oh, and Finn. The word manger actually refers to the wooden feeding trough that the animals used. So let’s put baby Jesus in this little shot glass. Perfect!

Lassiter: You know interestingly enough, the Dutch version of Santa used slaves to deliver toys.

Shawn: My god. We went almost three hours without having an argument.
Henry: Hm. It’s our best holiday in years, huh?

Gladys: You had the cutest little lawn mowing business.
Shawn: Wow! That’s right, we did.
Gladys: In fact, I think we paid you five dollars for a job that never got done.
Shawn: Oh, this guy!
Gladys: You know, the yard tools are out back. I’ll go get them.
Shawn: She’s not… she’s not serious? She is.

Gus: Whatever the cost is, I’ll cover it. Don’t worry about it.
Mr. Guster: We appreciate the gesture, Burton. But son, we’re talking real money.
Gus: You have a savings account and a penny jar. I have a401K. A diversified asset-allocated portfolio full of securities and equity to tap into.
Mrs. Guster: He’s always been so good with the big words.

Gus: All my life it’s been, “Gus can’t handle this.” “Protect Gus from that.” Well guess what? I’m the most responsible, well-prepared, non-criminal record having person in this room. And it’s high time you two stopped babying me. I’m twenty-nine years old. And by the way, I know you’ve only been married for twenty-eight years. I did the math a long time ago. So stop protecting me from that. Starting now, I’m going to take care of you. I’m going to give you money. And we’re gonna solve this case. Shawn may not have always been the best influence on me, but he’s always believed in me. Even when I didn’t believe in myself. And right now, I believe in him.
Mr. Guster: Huh. We hear you, son. {he shakes his hand}
Shawn: Alright, you’ve had your moment, man. You nailed it. Go ahead and make a timely exit. Come on, man. Before you gotta make another speech.

Shawn: If she’s like most old ladies, she probably thinks you were on The Jeffersons, and she wears the same perfume from her youth.