Truer Lies

1987

Henry: Shawn. What are you doing home from school?
Young Shawn: Uh. Ah… well… at the assembly today there was a guy and he hypnotized some students. And one of them thought he was a kangaroo. And he punched the guy. And he passed out before he could put the kids back to normal. But luckily, Mr. Detner, an ex-Navy SEAL, put everyone back before six kids had to go to the hospital.
Henry: Let me see the suspension note from your teacher.
Young Shawn: How did you know?
Henry: I’ve got a nickname at work. It’s the Human Lie Detector. I spend my day analyzing lies and the people who tell them. Rule number one. Every lie is built on a kernel of truth. Take your little fib for instance. If I was to put money on it I’d say the only true thing that you just said is that Mr. Detner is ex-Navy SEAL.
Young Shawn: You’re right. That’s amazing.
Henry: Not really. The relative specificity of that statement compared to the others made it obvious.

Henry: Look, Shawn. If you continue to lie like this nobody’s going to believe you when it counts. That could put your life on the line.
Young Shawn: Like maybe when I might be a cop?
Henry: No. Like now.

Present Day

Shawn: Shawn Spencer thrives on moments like this. When it’s just him, the ball, and the hole. Surrounded by silence. And the man wearing a Hefty bag on Angel Dust.

Ryan Bainsworth (Jonathan Silverman): Wait, that guy. The one with the great hair. He can vouch for me. I think we worked together at Busch Gardens one summer. Yeah, we made funnel cakes.
Shawn: Oh look, Gus. He must have gotten me confused with another man with great hair.
Ryan: And the white guy. I know him too.

Shawn: How can you tell someone’s a compulsive liar? I mean assuming that their pants aren’t on fire.

Shawn: When you’re finished I’d appreciate if you’d evaluate my partner Gus. For years he’s been claiming to be “insane in the membrane.”

Gus: Are you trying to show up the police department? Is this about pride?
Shawn: Gus. I got these jeans in a garage. Not a garage sale. A garage. Pride is clearly not an issue for me. This is about me not wanting a man to be wrongfully convicted because he has a sickness he cannot control. Plus he appreciated my hair.
Gus: No. He appreciated my hair.

Shawn: A handlebar mustache?
Gus: Like the Hamburglar?
Shawn: No no no. Mayor McCheese, he had the ‘stache. Burglar had the mask.
Gus: Right, right. Then it was Grimace. That brother was funny.
Shawn: No no no. Excuse us. I gave you Vin Diesel.
Gus: Gave me?
Shawn: You’re not claiming Grimace as a brother.
Gus: Grimace is a brother.
Shawn: He’s an amorphous mass. He’s like an amoeba.
Gus: He’s a black amoeba, Shawn.
Shawn: Purple.

Chief Vick: I’m not having a conversation with your pinkie.

Shawn: How much do we have in the Psych savings account?
Gus: I really hate when you ask that question.

Ryan: I know who, what, when and where.
Gus: Come again?
Shawn: Ryan, that’s everything we need to know. That’s all of it. Why didn’t you just say that in the first place?
Ryan: Because no one would let me.
Shawn: That’s true, Gus. That’s very true.
Gus: Yeah I got that, Shawn. Just go ahead Ryan.
Ryan: The time was ten o’clock.
Shawn: Ten o’clock.
Ryan: To four thirty.
Shawn: Four thirty.
Gus: A six hour window? What, do your killers work for the cable company?

Henry: Alright Shawn. Why are you working so hard on this one?
Shawn: I work hard on all my cases.
Henry: I know you do. You work hard, you have fun, you show off. I’m not an idiot. I know this guy’s got a screw loose. He’s lying out of his ass. What I dont understand is why you’re taking this one so seriously.
Shawn: I think it’s because nobody, including the police, believe him.
Henry: I know what’s going on. here.
Shawn: Oh really?
Henry: Yes I do. Shawn listen to me. You are not Ryan. Yeah you stretch the truth a little bit sometimes. At least you know where the line is.
Shawn: Of course I know where the line is.
Henry: But only because of two things. One, you always had somebody around who knew when you were lying and bothered to call you on it.
Shawn: What’s the second thing?
Henry: Well I’d like to say that you always had enough natural talent to fall back on. {Shawn smiles} But I’d be lying.

Henry: Listen to me, kid. If you ever drag my ass down here again to do Guster’s job I’m going to hit you up with a consultant’s fee.

Lassiter: What’s going on, Spencer?
Shawn: Ryan and I spent some time in the psychic sweat lodge. {Lassiter looks disturbed} Towelled.
Ryan: Fully.

Shawn: Very nice partner! You just weaved your way through those obstacles like a ferret on rollerskates or something.

Lassiter: That’s a nice handlebar. Wonder who his mustache guy is.