Any Given Friday Night at 10pm, 9pm Central

1987

Young Shawn: I’ve gotta get his autograph. He’s so cool.
Henry: Relax. Remember. He’s a person. Just like me.
Young Shawn: Oh no. He’s way better than you.

Present Day

Lassiter: Where have you two been? We’ve left you twelve messages.
Shawn: Sorry. We were having our bi-annual Rae Dawn Chong movie marathon.

Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, we need you to psychically tell us who belonged to this foot. {Gus ducks into another room, clearly freaked out}
Juliet: Does he know that’s where they keep the bodies for identification?
Shawn: I think he’s figuring that out right now.

Chief Vick: So what can you tell us?
Shawn: It’s weird. The lower extremities give off very very intense psychic vibes. For instance, the pinkie toe is tell me that he went to the market.

Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, we have to assume that we were meant to find this foot. Which means we’re dealing with a psycho. I’m gonna position this case as a possible murder investigation. I can only keep this foot thing quiet for a day or two. I don’t want to panic the community.
Shawn: You’re saying you think this thing might cause quiet a stink? {Jules and Lassiter roll their eyes and walk off} Alright, well I just feel like a heel. {Chief Vick follows} That was callus.

Gus: What are we going to do, just walk into a pro football training camp and start asking if anyone’s missing a foot?
Shawn: The words “foolproof” and “plan” do come to mind.

Shawn: He also happens to be a very good friend of mine.
Gus: You met him once when you were ten.
Shawn: And the only thing that my dad and I both like besides Asian slaw and Harry Hamlin. Who’s with me? Who’s with me on Hamlin?
Gus: Literally, no one’s with you.

Shawn assessing the line-up: Yes. No. Knee. Juiced. Gay. Possibly gay. Definitely gay.

Adam: I never heard of you before. You said you played in Tampa?
Shawn: Tel Aviv. Israeli Arena League. We didn’t play on the Sabbath so you’ve probably never seen me.

Gus: Look, let me be clear. These hands are not touching anyone. I only use these hands to touch myself. {Shawn stops} Ah. Let me rephrase that.
Shawn: Please stop speaking. And no more fist bumps for the rest of the day.

Shawn: New kicker. Emilio Estevez Estevezezzz.
You mean like the actor guy?
Shawn: You’re probably thinking of Charlie Sheen.

Shawn: The hover technique? Resourceful Gus makes a rare appearance.

Shawn: It’s game time. I’m about to blow their minds. How do I look?
Gus: Like an idiot.
Shawn: Sweet.

Shawn: Vlad’s body. It’s dark, it’s murky. His voice is a little, ah…
Gus: Warbly.
Shawn: That’s right. Like it’s calling to me from underwater. Maybe a river or a stream. Perhaps a—
Lassiter: Lake? Yeah, we pulled up Vlad’s body an hour ago.
Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, looks like you’re a little late to the game this time.
Lassiter: What, no witty retort? No reference to some obscure eighties film? Wow. O’Hara, write this down.