Talk Derby to Me

1987

Henry: Something’s missing. I took something of yours, you need to figure out what it is.
Young Shawn: Dad, you robbed me?
Henry: No, robbery’s the taking of property by force or fear. I’m not afraid of anyone in this room.
Young Gus: So you’re a burglar then.
Henry: No, Gus, burglarly involves breaking in. This is theft, pure and simple. You need to figure out what it is or you’re not getting it back.

Young Shawn: You thief! You stole my beebee gun!
Henry: Technically yes. Theft makes me a thief, so yes. You’re learning.
Young Shawn: So can I have it back now?
Henry: No. I told you not to play with it in the yard. It’s too dangerous.
Young Shawn: But you said if I figured out what’s missing—
Henry: Shawn. Thieves always lie. Remember that.

Present Day

Lassiter: Spencer, what the hell are you doing up there?
Shawn: Right now I’m putting my hand in my pocket, sans thumb. Pointing at an imaginary seagull.

Shawn: Gus, I need you paying attention. Do you think you can make that happen?
Gus: I only opened my book for a second, Shawn. You know I have to study for my exam.
Shawn: Right. The Rx… something.
Gus: Rx Rec Rx. Pharmaceutical Rep Recertification Exam.
Shawn: That is the second worst name for a test ever. Right after the Proctological Practicum.

Shawn: What is this green slime on your book? You just come from the Kid’s Choice Awards?
Gus: This place is filthy.
Shawn: Maybe it’s a clue.
Gus: Maybe it’s urine.
Shawn: Smell it.
Gus: I’m not going to smell it. Are you going to help me or not?

Lassiter: Alright, we definitely need to check all the local paramilitary groups, the security contractors, ROTC—
Shawn: Santa Barbara Ladies Auxilliary.
Lassiter: Huh?
Shawn: Oh. They’re women.

Lassiter: I’ve been itching to do some undercover work. And I’ve got a new mustache guy.

Shawn: We checked the schedule. These were the only two teams that were off on all the night the break-ins occurred. We call that detective work. It’s a rare and beautiful thing. Like clubbed thumbs.

Gus: What are we doing, Shawn?
Shawn: Well for starters we’re both growing mustaches very very slowly. But we’re also investigating.
Gus: This is Juliet’s investigation. We’re gonna blow her cover. We need to stay out of her way.
Shawn: You’re exactly right, Gus. Or: We do the exact opposite. I vote for number two.

Gus: Dude, you are leering.
Shawn: If by leering you mean staring oddly in a creepy way, yes. But it’s for an investigation, Gus. They’re all scraped up from burglarizing. Burglarization? Burglarism.

Shawn: I’ll see you tonight. Bring the outfit. One of us might wear it.

Chief Vick: Did you break somebody’s nose?
Juliet: Yes, I did. Thank you.

Lassiter: Let me in on this.
Shawn: Sure Chief. Lassie seems like a smart choice. We know he’s a demon on wheels and of course he’s so very good with women.
Chief Vick: Under the circumstances I might consider you, Carlton. But you’re never more obvious than when you’re undercover. Perhaps you’ve forgotten then prosthetic nose debacle of 2005.

Shawn: They stole a DVD of Spanglish. Clearly they weren’t after the merchandise.

Shawn: Sweet Fantasy Island, that is a body!
Gus: I told you.

Shawn: You can not sit out here alone in the dark in a parked car. You’ll be picked up for mopery.
Gus: Mopery?
Shawn: With intent to creep. Trust me. It’ll kick a big hole in your future.

Shawn: It’s okay! It’s alright. My name is Shawn Spencer, this my partner… I can’t believe I’m blanking. I’ve done this a million times.
Gus: Nice work.
Credit Dept Woman: Office. Code Blue.
Shawn: It’s okay. We’re not here to rob you.
Credit Dept Woman: Your buddy stole the clothes right off the mannequin.