Gus Walks Into a Bank

Shawn: Lassie, Jules. What are you doing here?
Lassiter: What are you doing here?
Juliet: Shawn, we have a situation. Somebody held up the bank and we think he’s taken hostages. {Shawn makes a break for the door but Lassiter stops him}
Lassiter: Woah. Take it easy.
Shawn: Gus is in there.

Commander Cameron Lutz (Gary Cole): Heads up, we’re on the clock.
Shawn: And cut. Great. Dripping with swagger. Let’s go again though and maybe ease up on the cocksure smile, just a bit. I liked it, I’m just not sure it’s going to play in the Midwest.
Lutz: Who the hell are you?
Shawn: Oh, my apologies. I’m Shawn Spencer. Lead psychic of the SBPD. And dilettante of shadow puppetry.

Shawn: Don’t worry. It’s fine, Jules. Dare I say dandy. Isn’t that a word from his generation?
Juliet: Shawn!

Shawn: Chief. Elder Commanding Officer Lutz. You need to let me get involved here. You need to let me scope things out.
Chief Vick: Absolutely not. You’re not a trained tactical officer, Spencer.
Lutz: Are we positive he’s even house trained?

Shawn: Alright, Phil. I am just as mad about this as you are. Why don’t you let me go out there and make it right. On the way back in I’ll have them throw in a couple liters of Old Fashioned Root Beet and some Cinna Stars. They look like Cinna Dots, just, they’re pointy. They’re good. They’re not great, but I can get them free of charge. I’ll be right back. {he goes to leave}
Phil Stubbins (Alan Ruck): You’re not going anywhere. You’ve just become my next hostage.

Gus: I’ve had a lot of time to think in here, Shawn. And I’ve realized some things about life.
Shawn: It’s been two hours.
Gus: Yes. But two hours hostage time. Things happen fast in here, Shawn.

Shawn: I’ve taken the liberty of putting together a list of demands that you can give to Lutz.
Phil: Demands?
Shawn: Yeah, we’re gonna call out there and you’re just going to read these off to him.
Phil: “My Demands. By Phil. An airplane to take me wherever I want. Tour bus, blue, with a full tank of gas. And groupies.”
Shawn: That’s non-negotiable.
Phil: Five thousand dollars in unmarked bills. This is a huge list. what if they won’t give me any of this stuff?
Shawn: I don’t expect them to, Phil. It’s just to buy us time until we can figure out who in here has put you up to this.
Phil: “A zipline pulley system used to transport deliciously flavored snacks and such from one location to another.” What is this?

Lassiter: Look, I am breaking about fifty codes of police procedure just by talking to you about this.
Shawn: Code! That is your biggest problem!
Lassiter: Oh it’s my problem?
Shawn: Just once, can you grab life by the little Lassiters and follow your instincts? I know you don’t like my methods. I know you don’t like me. But we are pressed for time. And I’m telling you, I am vibing like crazy! Can we screw protocol and get the hell out of here?
Lassiter: You take shutgun.
Shawn: You’re so sexy right now!

Shawn: Look at you, man. Surviving a bank hostage crisis and still looking all Poitier on a hot day.
Gus: What.
Shawn: Go ahead. Slap me in the face, tell me to call you Mr. Tibbs.
Gus: I’m not doing that!