Hilton Fox (Wayne Brady): Look, all you have to do is line the people up in a row. Here, you want me to fix this. Watch this. Take one white guy, put him in a suit along with the rest of the Backstreet Boys. Boom! And you fall in love. There we go, show done.
Shawn: I’ll pitch him on all my genius reality ideas.
Gus: No no, Shawn. Please don’t. All your ideas sound insane.
Shawn: You must be out of your damn mind. “Punk My Mom.” “The Girl With the Bear.” “So You Think You Can Think You Can Dance.” “Don’t Touch That: It’s Infected.” These are all slam dunks.
Shawn: Just go with me, okay. A guy shows up, knocks on a door, right? It’s his big overnight date. You know, he’s showered, he feels fresh, he feels good, he’s got something goin’ on down here. Door opens, boom! It’s—
Steve Rollins (Lochlyn Munro): A bear. Yeah, the Japanese already tried that. Too many people died.
Shawn: What? Man, the Japanese ruin everything.
Shawn: There’s only one way Gus and I know how to investigate and go completely unnoticed.
Shawn Womack: I’m a heart surgeon. And sometimes brain. But I am also the inventor of the hamburger candle.
Melinda: Can I still choose Todd?
Hilton Fox: Todd is in a coma.
Melinda: I know. Can I still choose him?
Jay (Greg Grunberg): I birthed this show. This came from my loins and no one is going to screw this up!
Shawn: We’re not going to screw your loins. I mean I could— No, I don’t see, I don’t think it’s going to happen.
Jay: I sold this to NBC, right? NBC. They make classics like Friends and… ah… ah…
Shawn: Their next runaway smash reality show about the crabbing industry called—wait for it, you wait for it—America’s Got Crabs.
Jay: That’s brilliant. I like it, there’s something there. You and I are gonna talk about that later.
Hilton Fox: Hm. It does not look good for you, Homey.
Gus: That’s alright. Everybody knows that as the only brother on the show I get a free pass through the first round.
Hilton Fox: Then she dumps you like it was the end of her semester abroad.
Melinda: With Brody, there’s so much more than just his handsome looks. Like… …
Shawn: Excuse me. This is a real call from actual reality.
Shawn: I need to say something to the group.
Jay: What the hell’s going on now?
Shawn: Melinda, if I may. I know the decision is yours, who you want to give the heart to, but I think you should know there is someone here amongst us who does not have your best interests in their heart.
Hilton: Brother’s gone rogue.
Gus: Just let him get his patties on the grill. There’s no way we can’t eat and investigate at the same time.
Lassiter: Listen up, fifteen minuters! Todd Cramer’s crash was not an accident. Someone is trying to kill the contestants of this… pathetic replacement for human interaction.
Shawn: Hey Brody, where are you going?
Brody: I’m quitting. Look, Melinda’s a nice girl and she looks great naked, but she’s not worth dying for. There’s easier ways to get exposure.
Shawn: When did he see her naked?
Shawn: This is a taco-burrito conversation. Nachos.
Melinda: What the hell is going on with you guys? It’s like you’re more into each other than you are me.
Shawn: That’s fair.
Shawn: Gus is prepared to pay for all the profiteroles.
Fox: Whatever happens tonight, you’re not the loser. One of them is.
Shawn: I’m not a doctor.
Melinda: Yeah, I kind of figured that when you said you graduated from Bob Hoskins Medical School.
Gus: Shawn, I don’t know about you, but the last time I checked I wasn’t faster than a plane.